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Just a heads up, but the ForgetMeNot Panties are a hoax. They are not a real product. It's a joke.

If you click on Order Now, it takes you to another page, and if you roll over the images of panties, a banner pops up that says GOTCHA! (pantyraiders.org). Clicking on that brings up a page where they describe who they are and why they made up this product.

"If you thought Forget Me Not Panties were real, you got duped, but you aren't stupid. We had over 300 distribution requests and 90% of the press we got never figured out the "GPS panties" was really an art project. We even created a fake PR company to handle the press that suddenly bombarded our inbox." - from the site

Just wanted to let you know. I am an Internet-sleuth.

(Also, I clicked on Order Now because I was suspicious of the product, not because I was ordering a pair for my girlfriend.)

Thanks Jed, for saving face for your dear Tia. What's so interesting about this art project is that in order to find out it is a hoax you have to click order. Then the person who really was trying to order them is forced to reflect on that action. I mean, to me that is what art should be about. I'm so impressed by these women and this piece.

sure, jed, that's what you were doing, sleuthing.

mvs

Whether or not the panties are a hoax your point still stands! Nicely done.

So if you take a GPS out of a car where do you install it on the dog?

hey! this is leba from the panty raiders...thanks so much for this blog, i love the graphics! we should add them to the site!

we are doing some new projects with the panty raiders, so email us if you would like to get involved!

we have done a few other sites, my favorite of which is plasticassets.com, but the panties is our namesake :)

thanks la bloga, for your insightful feminist response.

PEACE
leba

I was SO hoping it was #5.

Besides wincing at the tense changes throughout, I kept feeling that you were missing the opportunity to tell me a pretty cool story. Put us at the point where they discover when & where they are and that the meteor is coming. What's at stake? Do any of the passengers think they shouldn't survive the meteor? What do they do about it?

I actually think the premise sounds interesting and you could make something of this, but the synopsis needs all the changes EE describes.

Okay, a couple of things. First, you list some strange things for people to be doing after a plane crash-- running a 2 week computer program? Second, you don't list the 'normal' things that would happen after the plane crash-- struggle to survive, perhaps?

Besides all that, though, this letter doesn't tell the story of the book, it tells the set up. You want to sell the story, show what makes it different.

I think that writing from Bob's perspective is probably a good tactic.

Good luck in the revisions.

"This is like the TV show Lost, except it takes place 65 million years earlier."

Actually, it may yet be exactly like LOST.

We lost LOST after the first season, so who knows?

I'm not buying this plane crash-landing into a lake and everyone (and their electronics) surviving. I need to be convinced that's even possible. Couldn't the pilots find some ground on which to land the plane?

This sounds fun, but I would definitely use EE's version and continue from there.

Also, and this is nitpicky I know, but DYLAN may have never thought her dreams would come true, or never believed her dreams would come true, but I don't believe for a second she never imagined they would. It's one of the fundamental reasons for having dreams--imagining they'll someday come true. That's one of those little things that sounds wrong when you read it, even if you don't immediately know why. And when a few of them add up, you lose credibility.

This reads like something my girls would've enjoyed reading when they were younger. I remember feeling the same about the query, but I had questions.

The way EE reorganized the info put most of the story in perspective, but I still have a question - how do they get from Lake Michigan to the Indian Ocean - is there an underwater passageway through the earth?

And there is the question of how the others found Animalia. I know these questions are hard to address in 400 words- I'm just wondering.

I like the bird's name.

And this was a good one from EE -
"Criminals rule the world now and humanity is hanging in there.]"

Preventing the B.E.G. discovering Animalia feels like a nebulous goal to me. How can Dylan be sure they won't discover it some time in the future? Does she convince them all it doesn't exist? Just removing their leader from power doesn't feel like enough.

Maybe the BEG is a setup for a series--every book Dylan has to thwart BEG again, like Bond & SPECTRE.

Thanks, guys. I'm in China and it is very difficult for me to post from here as all the menu options are in Chinese and the "broadband" is very slow. All your comments have really helped--especially EE's input. The story is set up to become a potential series...

I want to know where the cutter came from.

Why are they called lifeboats & not escape pods? Stupid thing to catch on, I know, but it bugged me.

It sounds like the cutter was on board or in tow. Which leads me to ask, why did everyone who already left take escape pods when there was a cutter available?

They are called escape pods in the first sentence of paragraph 3, so the question becomes, why are they called lifeboats thereafter? Slang for escape pod?

That was a lot of old nautical vocabulary, which added to the sense that it was really about earth folk at sea.

Geez, this sounds like yet another bad SciFi channel movie... I'd listen to EE's advice and remove those elements that make your plot sound disjointed and illogical. I'm sure it's much more cogent than you show in the letter!

I'm looking back and forth at this, and at FaceLift 471, and the query rewrites that someone mentioned read more like a synopsis.

I kind of like the legend bit at the beginning- not sure if it goes in the query or the synopsis, but I like it.

It looks like with this:
"On the bridge Nick realizes the ship has taken a shortcut through enemy territory in an attempt to make up time after various ship malfunctions. No distress call has been sent" you've answered EE's question from the FaceLift regarding why the ship was in enemy territory.

I'd also want to know what happens to the sleeping passengers.

I'm wondering about that last-minute save by the Marines. I know it happens all the time in the movies - the deus ex machina bit- but I think there'd have to be a compelling reason for this to have worked out - given that no distress call was sent out.

I'm not wondering at all about the quickie marriage proposal. I think wars and other traumatic events do drag this stuff along with in their respective wakes.

This reads to melike it could be a novel, or a screenplay for a one hour show in a series. That's not a bad thing - all I mean is - I'd think it's gonna need some really good writing and some plot points that differ from its genre brethren, to set it apart, in order to meet with success. Just my opinion - I am by no means expert at this.

And I still think synopses are boring. And I still don't know why anyone would want one - but there are some agent's websites that ask for them, so it seems people really are reading them, even though they seem, simply in format, to reak of a stale day-old-garlic-breath kiss of death. (Of course, I may believe this because my synopsis sucked. A lot.)

I think in the synopsis it's important to note why Nick's career appears to be over. He's a general screwup vs he made a decision in the heat of battle that went terribly wrong vs he fled a battle because he was afraid will make his actions on the Dream much clearer. Also, maybe intro him by his rank. That again grounds the reader, who will have different expectations of an ensign than of a captain. And it gives you a chance to show how the experience changes Nick, or reinforces who he is to those who lost faith in him, or whatever.

You really need to explain the cutter's availability.

Are Nick and his party wearing protective gear of some sort? If the bridge is in good enough condition that they can deduce what happened, then I have to ask the question why it was abandoned and why the crew all fled without releasing the cryo pods (I'm assuming they're all self-contained and will keep occupants alive in space). There's usually a disaster plan worked out in advance before any commercial ship leaves dock. And the main crew at least would know about the cutter so they would still have a way off the ship even if all the passengers left before them.

Is Khevan introduced just to provide diversity? Why does he get a name and race? species? religious? ID (sorry, I don't know what to make of him from the description) while the two kids don't? You don't really bring him up after naming him except as part of the "party," so I'm wondering why he's in the synopsis.

After they find the cutter, why doesn't Nick just go ahead and release the cryo pods before cutting out?

Why when they return to the ship is it preparing to explode? Volatile fuels generally explode on impact or if there's an accelerant handy. An ocean liner may go down, but it's not built to withstand a vacuum and doesn't have huge reserves of oxygen on board so people can't survive long when the ship sinks. There's immediate, tangible peril there. But a space liner that doesn't explode on impact? Maybe it eventually bleeds out all of its oxygen and becomes a derelict, but I'm not getting a clear picture of the imminent danger the passengers are in to feel they have to escape so quickly.

Sorry, but laid out this way, everything seems just too pat and convenient. The synopsis should demonstrate you have a viable idea that holds together. But the cutter suddenly being available, an entire crew abandoning ship leaving (cryo) passengers on board, the marines showing up to save the day at the end, and the whirlwind proposal all come across here as tired plot contrivances. Throw in the inevitable comparisons to Titanic and Poseidon Adventure, and it just doesn't seem like you have an original enough idea here. No doubt there's originality in the novel; it just isn't coming across in the synopsis.

If the passengers are in cryo sleep, why is there any sense of urgency? They're not around to complain. Or is it only the steerage passengers who're frozen?

umm, I'm curious as to why this brand-new space ship doesn't have long range sensors of any kind. Or, why they're not working if they do. It seems awfully strange that a ship that can travel long distances in space wouldn't have any way to examine area in front of them...even if it's just a lookout with a high powered hubble scope. LOL

David (Dhewco)

AUTHOR HERE:
Ok, here's the new rewrite. It's about 650 words (ie one page single-spaced in MS word). Hope the expanded version explains some of the plot holes people were seeing. Let me know if there were any I missed. Thanks for all your feedbacks in advance.

~Scott D.

There is a legend among space-workers that when someone dies during the building of a starship that ship will be cursed. So, when a mechanic is crushed beneath the new engines during construction, the nervous owners of The Nebula Dream hush up the incident, pay off the other workers, send the man’s wife far away, but still word gets out and the rumors start. Tales begin to spread among space-workers that the ship is cursed.

CAPTAIN NICHOLAS JAMESON (Nick) knows his military career in the Consolidated Star Guard is over. He’s been ordered to report to Sector Hub ASAP and the quickest way there is on the maiden voyage of the luxurious space-liner The Nebula Dream. The only good thing about the trip is when he meets fellow passenger MARA, a beautiful and no-nonsense inter-stellar business woman. Before Nick has a chance to ask her out, though, the Nebula Dream collides with an uncharted asteroid field.

On his way to an escape pod, Nick encounters KHEVAN, a D’vannae brother, one of an order of lethally trained men in service to their sinister Red Lady. Nick and Khevan are just about to get onboard a pod when Mara arrives begging for help to rescue two trapped children. They get the kids out all right, but discover that there are no more escape pods. The group head for the bridge, in hopes of getting some answers and some help. Along the way they rescue TWILKA, a flighty young socialite, from a pack of rowdies at the Casino Level.

On the bridge they find that the ship’s controls have been deliberately smashed. Nick realizes the ship’s unscrupulous captain has taken a shortcut through enemy territory in a desperate attempt to make up time after various ship malfunctions. No distress call has been sent. Nick’s party and the other survivors out in the lifeboats are stranded, and at the mercy of the alien Mawreg, who will undoubtedly come to investigate the incursion.

Nick’s band of survivors journey to the Dream’s hold to retrieve a top secret Special Forces communication device that Nick hopes to use to call for rescue. Nick activates the transmitter in the ship’s observatory and sends his message directly from his brain, out towards the nearest friendlies: a space freighter and a CSG battleship. Both ships are too far away to affect an immediate rescue, and the first wave of enemy aliens are already busily investigating the Dream. Nick is ready to blow the engines to keep the Mawreg from capturing the ship and enslaving its survivors but Khevan, working with Twilka, is able to call upon his Red Lady for help. The Red Lady attempts to kill Khevan as Her price for assisting the others, but she is prevented from doing so by Nick.

Nick’s group flies out on one of the ship’s cutters that the Red Lady provided for them. Fleeing from pursuit, they make contact with the freighter that was summoned to by Nick’s distress call. Once safely on board, Nick tells Mara he needs to return to the Dream and release the ship’s cryo sleep modules. Otherwise, 850 helpless passengers in the modules will be taken prisoner or die. Nick also intends to set the ship’s Yeatter engines to self destruct. Mara refuses to let him go without her. Nick and Mara manage to release the cyro pods but another Mawreg ship has arrived. The two of them are trapped on the ship. At the ships’ engines cycle down to implode, Space Marines from the newly arrived CSG battleship fly in to rescue Nick and Mara. The Nebula Dream self destructs, taking the Mawreg ships with it.

On board the battleship, Nick proposes to Mara, making the most of the life that has been given back to them, for themselves and for those who were not so lucky, on that ill fated voyage aboard the Nebula Dream.

I think this could still be condensed. It reads a bit wordy to me. For example:

There is a legend among space-workers that when someone dies during the building of a starship that ship will be cursed. So, when a mechanic is crushed beneath the new engines during construction, the nervous owners of The Nebula Dream hush up the incident, pay off the other workers, send the man’s wife far away, but still word gets out and the rumors start. Tales begin to spread among space-workers that the ship is cursed.

could be reduced to something like this:

When a mechanic dies during construction of luxury spaceliner The Nebula Dream, her owners try in vain to hush up the incident. Rumours soon spread that the ship is cursed.

When I copied it into Word, it was about a page and a third.

You have plugged some of the more obvious holes, but there are a few left. Like Nick and Mara get rescued, but what about the 850 passengers they released? There are no escape pods for them.

I believe - from a previous discussion - that your first paragraph is a summary of your prologue. I don't think it's necessary here and you could save quite a few words if you lose it.

I took out adverbs, rearranged some things, did general tightening.

Here's a 478 word version:
There is a legend among space-workers that when someone dies during the building of a starship that ship will be cursed. When a mechanic is crushed beneath the new engines during construction, the nervous owners of The Nebula Dream hush up the incident, but tales begin to spread among space-workers that the ship is cursed.

CAPTAIN NICHOLAS JAMESON (Nick) knows his military career is over. He’s been ordered to report to Sector Hub ASAP and the quickest way there is on the maiden voyage of The Nebula Dream. He meets fellow passenger MARA, a beautiful and no-nonsense inter-stellar business woman. Before Nick has a chance to ask her out, the Nebula Dream collides with an uncharted asteroid field.

On his way to an escape pod, Nick encounters KHEVAN, a D’vannae brother, one of an order of men in service to their sinister Red Lady. Nick and Khevan are just about to get onboard a pod when Mara arrives begging for help to rescue two trapped children. They get the kids out, but discover that there are no more escape pods. The group head for the bridge, in hopes of getting some help.

They find the ship’s controls smashed, the ship’s unscrupulous captain took a shortcut through enemy territory, and no distress call was sent. Nick’s party and the other survivors out in the lifeboats are at the mercy of the alien Mawreg.

Nick’s band of survivors journey to the Dream’s hold to retrieve a Special Forces communication device. Nick activates the transmitter and sends his message directly from his brain, out towards the nearest friendlies: a space freighter and a CSG battleship. Both ships are too far away to affect an immediate rescue. Nick is ready to blow the engines to keep the Mawreg from capturing the ship and enslaving its survivors, but Khevan calls upon his Red Lady for help. The Red Lady attempts to kill Khevan as Her price for assisting the others, but she is prevented from doing so by Nick.

Nick’s group flies out on one of the ship’s cutters provided by the Red Lady. They contact the freighter that was summoned by Nick’s distress call. Once safely on board, Nick says he needs to return to release the Dream’s cryo sleep modules. Otherwise, 850 helpless passengers will be taken prisoner or die. Mara refuses to let him go without her. Nick and Mara release the cyro pods but another Mawreg ship arrives. Nick sets the ships’ engines to implode. Space Marines from the CSG battleship fly in to rescue Nick and Mara. The Nebula Dream self destructs, taking the Mawreg ships with it.

On board the battleship, Nick proposes to Mara, making the most of the life that has been given back to them, for themselves and for those who were not so lucky, on that ill fated voyage aboard the Nebula Dream.

Aww, I liked it better when he bit her nose off. :)

Your first paragraph tips me off that this would be more fantasy than history, which is fine, but less my taste these days. You've said before that it has a historical grounding, though, so I'm not sure you want the fairyland elements to be the first thing the reader sees.

I have to wonder why Reynard would break Beau's heart and then follow her, rather than killing her right there.

Can Gabriel talk? I'd assume not, but I'm not sure how your plot can progress without it. You might want to let us know either way.

Good luck!

You're on form here, EE :). My husband even looked up from his computer to discover why I was laughing so hard.

Isn't Gabriel still married to Alison at the end...?

I am strongly reminded of Ladyhawke, a movie starring Matthew Broderick, Michelle Pfeiffer and Rutger Hauer. Hauer was a wolf at night, Pfeiffer a hawk by day. Pfeiffer's character's name was Ysabeau.

"I would think that in medieval times, if you land a guy who's not a plague-ridden, toothless, rag-wearing hunchback, you'd never let him go." Good one. I agree with buffy. Definitely on form.

What is it about wolves that women like? I'm not saying I'm immuned - I mean, I like facial hair, to a point. But there are whiskers and then there are WHISKERS. I'm just asking.

I always felt so sorry for the Lon Chaney werewolf guy.

Anyway..can Gabriel talk? I remember the opening to this, and I liked it. He was thnking quite well there - is he able to verbalize them? Hope so.

I don't know; my dog seems to be able to "talk" to me with her yowls and howls. There was a dog on a TV show that said a distinguishable "I love you" some time back.

Perhaps he talks like Scooby Doo?

Rabey dabey Gabe!!

I'm wondering why the king ddn't just kill him. Wolf found while hunting = nice warm cloak.

Anon 6:58 said exactly what I was going to. For some reason, the parallels weren't as clear in the query and opening we've already seen. Maybe I'm just more alert this morning.

Along with Anon 6:58 and Elissa, I thought "Ladyhawk ripoff" the moment I saw a lady named Isabeau and a Wolf in the same story.

I thought your character descriptions were really good. Just enough to intrigue me about each character (except Alison and the king, but I assume they're secondary) and understand their motivation. Nicely done.

In both the query and this synopsis, I end up stuck on the wolf-man details. I'm not clear if there is a physical werewolf-like transformation taking place throughout the novel, or if you're talking about a wolf with the mind of a man, or what.

You say Stress and loneliness take their toll, and Gabriel becomes all wolf. But earlier you said he was trapped as a wolf, and Reynard would lose everything if he ever appeared as Sir Gabriel, which implies that he already was all wolf. The distinction isn't clear to me, which I think takes some of the drama away from what I think you're suggesting is a pretty dramatic plot point. Also not clear when/whether Isabeau knows that Gabriel is really a man. I'm having a hard time picturing this relationship. Maybe a couple of details about how they spend their time together as princess and wolf, and what makes this wolf stand out from all the other wolves, would help me understand the nature of the connection between them.

For the people who say, "this reminds me of Ladyhawke," I can't disagree with you. If you say you were reminded, you were reminded.

However, for anybody who says, "this is a ripoff of Ladyhawke," I strongly disagree. "Ripoff" is a strong term to use - you are basically accusing the author of theft.

Just because two stories have similarities, it doesn't necessarily indicate that the newer one is a ripoff of the older one. We don't even know that the author in this case has even seen the movie Ladyhawke. I mean, Ladyhawke is not exactly the Wizard of Oz, a film most people are familiar with. Ladyhawke was modestly popular in its day, but it wasn't groundbreaking or genre-defining, nor is it now considered a classic, except perhaps by its fans.

More importantly in this case, the elements the author is accused of ripping off are hardly unique to Ladyhawke. Mythology and literature are full of characters who have been magically transformed into animals, including wolves. A little-known fact is that the concept of werewolves actually predates the movie Ladyhawke. ;-)

I think the juxtaposition of the wolf curse and the name Isabeau is mainly what's triggering this reaction from people, but in my experience when someone is actually ripping off someone else's story, the first thing they do is change the characters' names. At least, that's what I do. ;-) The duplication of the name Isabeau actually makes me think this is not a ripoff but just a coincidence.

Sorry if it seems like I'm overreacting, but one of my pet peeves is when people casually throw around the term "ripoff."

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to writing my novel about a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. I call it "Billy and the Cloneasaurus."*

*ripped off from the Simpsons

AUTHOR HERE:

I knew EE was gonna get me on the "Wolfs" typo. I caught it two minutes after I sent it off. *facepalm*

Below is a revised and beefed up synopsis built off EE's frame. I think I addressed most of the problems people were having with the plot. Most of them rose out of me trying to simplify and save on the word count. Anyway, feedback on this new one will be much appreciated.


GABRIEL was the bravest knight in the land- until his wife Alison betrayed him, trapping his now fading mind in the body of a wolf. While hunting in the forest, the king finds the wolf and has it brought to his castle, where he entrusts its care to ISABEAU (Beau), a noblewoman. Isabeau has grown so weary of men and their boring war stories that she's about ready to enter a convent. But this wolf intrigues her; he seems almost human.

Gabriel and Beau are initially drawn to one another, both are lonely and Beau is one of the few at court who seems to understand Gabriel- even though he cannot speak. Gabriel has vowed, however, never to trust a woman again after what his wife did to him. Besides, he's a wolf. Stress and loneliness take their toll, and Gabriel's humanity ebbs. Ultimately, Beau is the only one able to pull him out of it and calm his brutal wolfish urges.

After that, the two become inseparable. She takes to calling the wolf Garwaf, an old word for “werewolf”. On their daily walks through the king’s gardens, Beau begins to put the pieces together of what she knows of her wolf with rumors about Sir Gabriel’s disappearance several years before.

Gabriel, meanwhile, has fallen deeply in love with Beau. He longs to declare himself to Beau- even as he knows he cannot.

REYNARD, a ruthless knight with a penchant for violence, has married Alison. Having helped her betray Gabriel, Reynard is not pleased when tidings reach him of the uncanny wolf at the king’s court. Reynard will lose everything if Sir Gabriel ever regains human form.

Reynard arrives at court and Gabriel viciously attacks him. Beau fears Gabriel will lose himself completely if he does not become human again soon. Reynard manages to convince Beau that Gabriel attacked him to clear the way to Alison. Heart-broken and confused, Beau leaves the castle for a convent. Reynard follows her, intending to brutalize and murder her. The wolf thwarts him, but not before Beau is wounded.

Enraged by his own uselessness, Gabriel returns to his old home and confronts his wife, who has suffered herself for what she has done to him. Dying of leprosy, she gives Gabriel several magic talismans that will return him to his human body.

With the coming dawn Gabriel is transformed back into a man. He kills Reynard in a duel and rides to claim Beau as his bride.

She realizes she has always loved the spirit within Gabriel, even when he was a wolf. They are married at the end of the novel and live happily ever after.

~Moth

Hi Moth, I'll be back to comment on your rewrite. Just wanted to weigh in on the name capping and Ladyhawke dialogues.

I have a HUGE problem remembering who's who when first being introduced to characters (or real people, for that matter), and if I forget who someone is in a synopsis, the capping provides either a visual cue for me when I scan back up or a real reminder when I reread where the character is introduced. So I'm a big fan of the name capping when a character is intro'd.

I absolutely love "Ladyhawke," but since I have that problem remembering names (see above), I didn't connect Ysabeau with Ladyhawke because I didn't remember that was Ladyhawke's real name. Never even thought there was any kind of connection between your story and Ladyhawke since your query (or one version at least) indicates it's a retelling of "Bisclavret." And the curse is completely different. I don't think there's a worry there. Some similarities, yes. A few. But, sheesh, look hard enough and you can find similarities between just about any stories.

Hi Moth,

Sarah here. I'm going to write comments as I read through your new synopsis.

1. Doesn't smack of Ladyhawke to me and that's one of my favorite movies. Just my 2 cents on that one.

2. Isabeau/Beau - the nickname throws me every time I read it in the query. Any chance you'd consider sticking with her longer name? Isabeau puts me more in mind of medieval times - Arthur type stories.

3. I often have a problem when the tense switches in the middle of a paragraph. Your first paragraph starts in past tense then switches to present. I think you can keep it all present tense.

4. I think it can be tightened up some more and not lose the feel of the story or the information. Some of it is duplicated.

5. 'Stress and loneliness take their toll, and Gabriel's humanity ebbs. Ultimately, Beau is the only one able to pull him out of it and calm his brutal wolfish urges.' - Seems more like she would bring out the beast in him since they like each other so much.

6. 'even though he knows he cannot' - can he howl his desire or something. I think this line can be spiced up.

7. 'Reynard manages to convince Beau that Gabriel attacked him to clear the way to Alison.' Although I know what you mean, it's a little fuzzy for me.

8. Not sure about the Happily ever after tag, but a lot of novels do end that way.

Here's my edited version:

GABRIEL is the bravest knight in the land - until the day his wife Alison betrays him, trapping his fading mind in the body of a wolf. While hunting in the forest, the king finds the wolf and has it brought to his castle, where he entrusts its care to ISABEAU, a noblewoman. Isabeau has grown weary of men and their boring war stories. She's about ready to enter a convent, but this wolf intrigues her.

Gabriel and Isabeau are drawn to one another. Both are lonely and Isabeau is one of the few at court who seems to understand Gabriel - even though he cannot speak. Gabriel has vowed, however, never to trust a woman again. Besides, he's a wolf. Stress and loneliness take their toll, and Gabriel's humanity ebbs. Isabeau is the only one able to pull him out of it and calm his brutal wolfish urges.

The two become inseparable. She calls the wolf Garwaf, an old word for “werewolf”. On their daily walks through the king’s gardens, Isabeau begins to put the pieces together of what she knows of her wolf with rumors about Sir Gabriel’s disappearance several years before.

Gabriel, meanwhile, has fallen deeply in love with Isabeau. He longs to declare himself to Isabeau - even though he knows he cannot.

REYNARD, a ruthless knight with a penchant for violence, marries Alison after helping her betray Gabriel. Reynard is not pleased when tidings reach him of the uncanny wolf at the king’s court. Reynard will lose everything if Sir Gabriel regains human form.

Reynard arrives at court and Gabriel viciously attacks him. Isabeau fears Gabriel will lose himself completely if he does not become human again soon. Reynard convinces Isabeau that Gabriel attacked him out of love for Alison. Heart-broken and confused, Isabeau leaves the castle for a convent. Reynard follows her, intending to murder her. Gabriel thwarts him, but not before Isabeau is wounded.

Enraged by his own uselessness, Gabriel confronts his wife, who is dying of leprosy. She gives Gabriel several magic talismans that will return him to his human body.

With the coming dawn, Gabriel is transformed back into a man. He kills Reynard in a duel and rides to claim Isabeau as his bride.

She realizes she has always loved the spirit within Gabriel, even when he was a wolf. They marry and live happily ever after.

Your rewrite is much clearer but, ahem, a bit longer.

There will, of course, always be nits.

Is Beau young? I know she is from other work I've seen, but the synopsis makes her, and Gabriel, sound like they might be getting on in years -- or at least be middle aged, and you're aiming for a YA crowd. You call Beau a noblewoman who has grown weary of men, which to me is what's making her seem older than her years. And to say Gabriel disappeared several years before -- and since we know he was married and made a name for himself as a knight before being cursed -- well, it all makes him feel old, too.

I would add "Alison betrayed and cursed him" simply because betrayal doesn't usually result in a garwaf.

If Beau is "about ready to enter a convent," does meeting the wolf make her rethink that decision? The "But this wolf intrigues her" sentence doesn't make it clear to me whether the "But" is in reference to the convent decision or her weariness over men.

Gabriel and Beau are initially drawn to one another, both are lonely and Beau is one of the few at court who seems to understand Gabriel- even though he cannot speak.

Check your grammar in this sentence. Also, do more people at court understand Gabriel? That seems to go against what's been inferred so far. What does "understand" mean? Unless people know there's a man trapped in there, they might think he's depressed or irritable because he's a wild beast who's been brought into a tame environment, not that he's a human spirit needing to be able to act human again. I would just say Beau is the only one who seems to understand him. Then change the last sentence in that 'graph to "Ultimately, Beau's [persistent kindness, whatever] calms his brutal wolfish urges."

Garwaf is an old word to us. Would it have been an old word to Beau, or simply an idiom?

Tighten the next 'graph: "Gabriel, meanwhile, has fallen deeply in love with Beau, and longs to declare himself to her." The "cannot" part is understood since we know he was married and is now a wolf who can't speak.

You don't need both "ruthless" and "penchant for violence" to describe Reynard. "Lose everything" is a bit vague. "lose wife and title", perhaps?

Most attacks are "vicious" so you can cut "viciously" as well as "manages to" a couple of sentences later.

Don't know what "enraged by his own uselessness" means. We know he's pissed he's still a wolf, but he did manage to thwart Reynard. Perhaps a word other than "uselessness" would be stronger.

Is the wife's leprosy a direct result of her cursing him? If so maybe:

Enraged by mounting circumstances, Gabriel returns to his old home and confronts his wife. Little did she know the price for cursing him would be her own slow death from leprosy. Hoping to reverse the curse to herself, she gives Gabriel the talismans to return him to his human form.

Once transformed back into a man, Gabriel kills Reynard in a duel and rides off to woo Beau for his bride.



And finally, don't pull us out of the story to say "at the end of the novel."

You're almost there, I think!

This reads much better, but there are a couple of logic flaws.

First, why would a nobleman give a wolf you describe as having "brutal wolfish urges" into the care of a woman? Why is he running loose like a housepet? Or is he? Sounds like he is.

Second, the term "brutal wolfish urges" doesn't describe wolves. They aren't brutal, they are just practical.

Overall, this lacks what would make me care. I think you need to work on that factor, that emotional grab. The hook, I believe, is missing from this, although the story sounds interesting.

Yeah, the witch thing kinda came out of left field here. I thought the book was an angsty Oprah-pick in the making, and then shazam! It's suddenly about witches.

You want to mention the witchcraft aspect earlier, but it sounds like this could be a really cool book. The fact that one woman is going to die is pretty rivetting.

Thank goodness Tara's Mom brought her dead daugher's diary with her when she went to New Jersey. It sounds like if that she hadn't, they never would have figured out what was going on, which is too deus ex machina for me.

I agree about bringing in the witch world earlier. If you start out by concentrating on four women's life conflicts, the audience you will attract may not be the audience that will want to read the second half of the novel.

"underlying Wicca forces" It's wiccan, Author. Adjective form is WICCAN.

I'm a pagan. I'm a legal minister sort of pagan, meaning I actually studied my wiccan religion a really long time. And with your statment "underlying Wicca forces that must be recognized and appeased. One undeniable fact becomes clear: blood is required" you have outed yourself as 1) unknowledgeable about Wicca (might as well call any pagan a satanist) as well as say any wiccan ritual requires blood; and 2) you give the impression of a big ol' bias about the religion.

Have you studied it AT ALL?

This is a total no go from the religious standpoint, although the concept of four women converging and circumstances revealing a means to work together for their common good sounds like a great basis for a story.

And please don't try and defend what you wrote, just fix it. All the religious references are dead wrong.

In general, I like the way this synopsis is structured.

In detail, it needs, well, more detail.

I actually liked reading the character profiles, and I think when you re-work it, you could leave the overall structure intact:

* Hook paragraph
* 4 character profile paragraphs
* 1 paragraph bringing the women together and introducing the Wiccan crisis
* 1 paragraph expounding on the events and introducing the need for a blood sacrifice
* Final paragraph that has them making the sacrifice (it's a synopsis -- spill the beans on who it is and whether she is a willing sacrifice), and end on a more concrete note. Or is this a "lady or the tiger" ending. *squirm* It would have to be pretty sensational for the reader to not feel cheated at the end, if so.

Suggestion for Hook that brings in the supernatural element right up front:

When extraordinary circumstances bring four women in crisis together, a mysterious force bonds them into an improbable coven. [Insert brief description of the the mystery] that they must solve -- before it draws them to their doom.

We need more concrete details about Basia's personal and professional firestorm. Is she accused of consorting with the plaintiff's prime witness? Of betraying a client's trust? Be specific.

Marissa, Caitlin, and Tara's profiles have the level of specificity needed, I think. Then rework those last three paragraphs, and you'll have yourself a nice synopsis. IMO.

Yeah, the witch thing kinda came out of left field here.

Actually, it's not unreasonable. It was three years before I discovered my ex-wife was a witch.

The way the synopsis is written now, the witch part is the main plot and everything should be built around it. Everything else is background for the witch and murder part. If being a witch and doing something is NOT the central plot, and the plot is instead, say, something about the transformation of Basia's character, then the synopsis needs to be rewritten with that as the focus, in which the other witches (wish for switches) are just part of what changes Basia.

Finally, and this is just a question, there's no leaving things uncertain and teasing in a synopsis, correct? A query is a tool to interest someone enough to read a partial and can thus be incomplete, but a synopsis is supposed to convince the agent/editor that the author has created a great story from start to finish. Therefore, this should include what draws the coven together, what their task is, what the obstacles are, who they kill, how they make the decision, and the aftermath. Am I right about the purpose of a synopsis?

Hi author,

To be honest, I have no idea what does and does not constitute a good Wicca/n, unless you count me having a sister-in-law who lives in Glastonbury and who knows some witches/wicca/wiccans/women as a credibility factor. Since I don't count that, I'll just say that the plot sounds like it could be good.

I was actually pretty interested in the four women's backgrounds, although I do agree with EE, that "It's surprising how often it's a mistake to date the elite". (This gave me a good chuckle, probably because it can be so true.That and the way he said it.)

Anyway...it's disturbing that one of them has to die, especially as the surviving three don't seem to be able to confirm it was, somehow, necessary. I'm not saying beig disturbed is a bad thing. I'd just definitely wanna know why they thought the end of the world was near - or if, in fact - they'd simply gone histrionic in a very large way, as they are all facing major life crises, and blaming someone or something else just felt really good. (Just kidding here.)

So, as with so many things,or everything really, it's all in the telling.

Good for you for having the nerve to submit a synopsis. They're really hard, huh?

Oh Anonymous 8:18pm! That was so unexpectedly funny that it jolted a laugh out of me! Thanks for that! Long day and I needed it.

I have to agree that the fact that they are witches seems central to the story and should come earlier. Wrytten's chastisement aside, I thought the witchcraft aspect was the most interesting part of the synopsis. And it made everything leading to it all of a sudden more interesting cause it was connected to witchcraft. So in a backwards way, the story was quite interesting. So rework and it will be stronger!

Keep in mind that the author was limited to 400 words. Keeping the character descriptions severely limits any additions.

Not to put words in written's mouth, but I think the problem she is talking about is introduced when you bring in the term Wicca. There's likely no insurmountable problem with talking about witches with a blood sacrifice. There's a long cultural tradition of these sorts of stories. But when Wicca is used, you've introduced a real religion and real people, and now there will be some expectations of realism and a fair portrayal.

Honestly, you can probably get away with a lot just because most people are ignorant about Wicca, including myself, but the author has to decide if they want to go down that path just because they can.

I think you will alienate a lot of people if you refer to this blood-sacrificing coven as Wiccans. It implies prejudice and ignorance as it is written now.

I'm not a Wicca but I've studied religion and all that witches eating babies stuff was invented during the witch hunt. I'm not saying the characters can't be homicidal witches, I am saying you shouldn't drag Wicca into it. Apples and oranges really.

I also think you should introduce the coven stuff earlier. I got to that part and was like, "Wtf? Where did THAT come from?" Not in the good way either. It seemed more like you were writing a synopsis for one novel and then switched to a completely different story for the last few paragraphs.

I also agree with pacatrue. Part of the purpose of a synopsis (as I understand it) is to convince agents/editors that you can craft a compelling plot and conclude it satisfactorily. You cannot leave your ending ambiguous like that. You need to tell them who dies and why, whether she was willing or not, etc.

Although the character backgrounds are well written it might be more useful to get an idea of the dynamic of the women once they are actually IN the coven since, presumably, most of the novel they will be in those roles.

You're a good writer you just need to make this less of a character sketch and more of a plot outline. (and take out the Wicca ref, please!)

Good luck!

~Moth

The paranormal aspect is really powerful. I'm just saying that to label these women as wiccans is entirely incorrect if they are practicing blood rituals.

Now, if the author adjusts his/her language to make us understand that these gals only think they are enacting some valuable wiccan ritual, or he/she just calls them witches (which is still really an insult to those in the know, but certainly common practice in Hollywood at least) the synopsis would work IMO.

I know much less about Wicca than writtenwyrd, but even I know that human sacrifice isn't a part of it. The introduction of that plot element threw me out of the story completely.

Like EE and others, I also have a hard time with a murder/sacrifice about which the perpetrators are uncertain. Author, I think this decision process needs to be explained in the synopsis.

Author here—

Thanks very much for all the feedback.

The synopsis unfortunately reflects the difficulty I’m having with structuring the story. My instinct was to structure it chronologically in accord with its cyclical theme, but I’ve gone back and forth about that a few times. Yes, it’s only after the women realize they’re in a paranormal cycle that the plot really coheres and gains momentum.

As it stands now, even I can see that the synopsis sounds like “DaVinci Code”-ish bastardizations of “Waiting to Exhale” and “Practical Magic” welded together…and that’s looking at it kindly.

--I’ll remove the Wicca reference. In the manuscript, these women don’t blindly accept the word of a teenager’s diary or make cursory assumptions about supernatural coincidences. They research multiple explanations for what’s happening to them; they learn/know what they’re dealing with ISN’T true Wicca (which, for one thing, is an entirely VOLUNTARY religion…and, as writtenwyrdd pointed out, DOESN’T involve blood sacrifice). In fact, it’s not even witchcraft, although that umbrella might be more appropriate for the synopsis. The group finds out that the sinister phenomenon enveloping them is much older and more mysterious, although it’s based on some of the same naturalism and symbology. I apologize for using such cavalier shorthand in the synopsis (I never gave a name to the actual supernatural forces they’re dealing with), and I want to assure you that the synopsis doesn’t reflect how the manuscript discusses the Wicca religion.

--EE’s link was the original opening, but it has changed multiple times. In fact, the current opening focuses on one of the women reading a revealing excerpt of the teenage diary (which Mom already had in storage in her NJ home…I know, I know, it’s not just deus ex machina but also cliché).

--EE, thanks for condensing the plot points. That’s a great base for me to build on. And now I need to go back and tweak the structure of the manuscript again.

Thanks again for all the responses.

Yes, the catering to conventional ignorance about a specific religion, even one with as many diverse paths and traditions as Wicca, really gets a thumbs down from me.
And the "saving the world" bit also appears like aliens.

How about starting when the women get to Cape May, then flash back in chronological order in between advancing the Cape May part?

I also have a hard time with a murder/sacrifice about which the perpetrators are uncertain.

But if they are absolutely certain (like Abraham) then murder/sacrifice is okay? Either way, we are talking about a novel, right? Fiction? Sometimes characters do messy things!

I liked the premise (sort of) of your story, and I was surprised when (in the comments)the Wiccan spoke up (May the forest be with you!)and I immediately thought "pagan" would be much more ambiguous. So I googled pagan just to be sure. But then I thought that by using "pagan" was toooo general so then I checked out vodou, see below


http://www.rickross.com/reference/general/general168.html

So if you changed the locale to a Caribbean isle, switch the witches out for Yoruba practitioners and add some humor to all the dire consequence these women are facing, (end-of-the-world shtick, Tara shows up as a zombie, etc)I think it could be a really great novel.

If you stick with the witches, I hope you include a "Good" one?!

A lot of good comments already. Just my extra 2 cents:

'A tragic car accident, killing her daughter’s family, leaves Tara as the end of her family line.'

Killed the family, but not the daughter, yet I think the daughter died, too.

'How far could rock bottom be?'

How far down or how far away perhaps.

And 3 of the 4 are in their hell because of a man. Being the independent cuss that I am, I don't like to read about women who allow a man to cause them so much damage. Especially when it seems they are strong characters otherwise. Not sure if this was your intent or just how it reads in the synopsis.

Sarah

Sarah, I only see two who are in trouble because of a man. Caitlin's troubles are self-created. At least that's how I read it.

Ditto what Written said about Wiccans. There were lots of ancient pagan religions which practiced blood scarifice, but Wicca isn't even an ancient religion; it was invented in the 50s.

I'm a pagan, not a Wiccan, and it gets very tiring hearing "Wiccan" used as a blanket term for all pagans, when in fact it should be the other way around.

That said, now you've explained it, I think it sounds cool; but remove all references to Wicca, please.

Pagan really would be the best choice, seeing as the terms like "ancient pagan rites" don't ring any PC alarms, generally speaking. And just like December, I generally refer to myself as pagan. I think it's more truthful.

Moral of this exercise: don't try to remove ~150 words from your synopsis with only 1 hour remaining to submit and hope it will make any sense when you're done. *sigh* Yet another reason to check EE's blog every day, no matter what.

EE, since you keep asking: the Most High doesn't blast the bad guys because he doesn't need to. He put Rica there because he knows Rica will take care of it. So why should he bother? You'll also be...relieved to know that I took Sano and the Most High and pretty much everyone out of the query letter. Just to confuse people, here's my latest query letter. It probably still sucks, though I tried to make it simple "but hinting at complexity."

Rica is a common mercenary who is thrust into a deadly situation when she is chosen as the next queen of Norida. High Minister Kobri believes that Rica will be easy to manipulate and that he will remain the true power in Norida as he has been for the last twelve years. He is wrong.

Rica is determined to make her own decisions, even if it kills her--and it looks like it might. Kobri isn't content with second place, and there's more on the line than just power. A rival lord is attempting to expose Kobri's involvement in the assassination of the previous king in the hopes that Rica will arrest Kobri. Will Rica survive these intrigues, keep her throne, and bring her enemies to justice?



Is this really enough description? Darris is also a major player (involving about half of the book), and he isn't easy for Rica to defeat. Yet if I add any more information, things just seem to get muddled. Which makes covering Darris and associated events in the synopsis difficult.

EE, thanks for pointing out my synopsis problems. I do appreciate it.

Let's change your first sentence because off the jump you make her passive.

Rica is a common mercenary who is thrust into a deadly situation when she is chosen as the next queen of Norida.

How about:

Rica, a common mercenary, faces a deadly situation now that she. is in line to be Queen of Norida

Obviously the Most High has been waiting for Rica to be old enough :).

I found this very confusing--too many names spring up--and by the end I had, as EE predicted, given up. I think there's the core of something here, and EE made a fair stab at making sense of it. Good luck!

As a reader I would like to have a sense of why this is all happening now.

Why was Rica chosen after 12 years rather than immediately after the assassination. If she was too young, surely there'd have been a way for powerful heavenly beings to organize an interim monarch. They must have known how bad it would be for Norida to leave the throne vacant.

What does Norida have now? Bad government. What will Norida have if Rica fails? Bad government. It would be nice if she won, but there isn't really a threat of anything particularly bad happening if she doesn't.

Did EE forget to color a couple of his comments

Fixed.

Hey, author, I like your query much better than the synopsis. I think if you change the very first sentence, as suggested by anon 4:30, you've got a pretty kick ass query. Maybe try to put that same sense of urgency into the synopsis, and follow EE's template and you'll have a kick ass synopsis, too. Good luck, it sounds like a cool story.

The tone of your query is good. But I question what your hook is. What else is on the line other than power? The rival lord wants Rica to arrest her second in command who seems to be plotting against her anyway ... so that's the big intrigue? What are the stakes? What's unique about your story of rather tame-sounding court intrigue?

The synopsis has me wondering what Sano's role is other than to proclaim Rica queen. I'm hoping you don't come out and say as you put in your comment that he makes her queen 'cause he knows she'll take care of things. That removes the suspense for the reader, too. Having Sano and The Most High front and center in the synopsis makes me think there will be more heavenly involvement, but that thread just peters out after the first paragraph.

Rica likes to investigate rumors herself, doesn't she? Not sure how well she'll do as a ruler in any court full of intrigue. She'll be off chasing rumors at the drop of a hint. Dangle a bright, shiny rumor in front of her and she's gone...

I'm afraid I'm still looking for what's different about your story in your synopsis, too. The heavenly being and the Most High sounded promising as the hook, but when you got away from them, well, what's left that makes this fantasy?

[I need a scorecard to keep up with this. Anyone who was still with you up to that paragraph has just abandoned you. Except EE, of course. Onward, through the fog.]

EE, you read my mind...and I didn't give up reading it...but my brain did give up trying to understand it.

~Moth

Hi Author (what an amazing coincidence they named you this and you turned out to be a writer!)

I really like your query letter; it's snappy and caught my interest.

I agree with wonderwood about getting more of the essence of this into your synopsis.

Okay, is this re-write of the synopsis any clearer/better? It's still 400 words long.

--

Twelve years ago, Lord Kobri was named the Chancellor of Norida. Spurred on by his nephew's lust for power, he uses the knowledge entrusted to him as Chancellor to instruct an assassin how to get around the safe-guards bestowed upon the king by Norida's god. The King is dead, long live the... But there isn't another King. No one understands why their god doesn't immediately choose a new ruler. Kobri now fears openly declaring himself King and his nephew his heir, so he settles into ruling Norida as Chancellor instead. Kobri's rule isn't cruel, and many people start to forget that anything is wrong. But Kobri has angered a god, and justice won't wait forever.

Rica is a common mercenary, someone used to taking orders. She's as shocked as everyone else when Sano, a heavenly being that takes on the form of a panther, finally appears and indicates that she is the next Queen. Kobri consoles himself with the belief that Rica will be easy to manipulate because of her youth and that he will remain the true power in Norida. But he is wrong. Rica is determined to make her own decisions.

Then Lord Kanto, a rival lord, finds proof of Kobri's involvement in the regicide. Kobri learns of this before Rica does and desperately attempts to have Rica assassinated before she can see the proof and arrest him. The assassination fails. Kobri tries to frame Kanto instead, but the planted evidence is weak. Rica realizes that the evidence really points toward Kobri, her other high officials, and possibly even her army as the ones trying to kill her. She flees the palace in fear for her life and travels as a caravan guard to hide her whereabouts.

As she travels, she investigates her lords and discovers the truth about Kobri and his nephew, Darris, who is now a lord. Since she no longer commands the royal army, she recruits help from Kanto to defeat Darris in his fortified palace. They win after a hard fight and finally capture Darris. Success! Then the Royal Army shows up. They demand that the "rebels" release Darris and surrender. Rica confronts the army with Sano at her side. The soldiers are shocked to find they've been sent by Kobri to strike against their queen. Rica orders them back to the capital to arrest Kobri and later sentences Kobri and Darris to death.

To answer questions previously asked:

What does Norida have now? Bad government. What will Norida have if Rica fails? Bad government. It would be nice if she won, but there isn't really a threat of anything particularly bad happening if she doesn't.

Um, Anonymous 4:37 PM, if Rica loses, she ends up dead. I think that qualifies as "anything particularly bad happening"...at least, in her view. And the story is in her viewpoint.

Phoenix said: The heavenly being and the Most High sounded promising as the hook, but when you got away from them, well, what's left that makes this fantasy?

That's my greatest frustration. I have a number of fantastic elements in the story, but there's no way to explain them without raising more questions than I can explain in 400 words or less. So they get dropped out, and the story ends up sounding rather mundane. The fantasy elements are:

1) Sano appears in the form of a panther and can't speak, so he really does indicate that she is the queen. He then lurks around invisible (well, incorporeal) and only appears when needed to protect the ruler from assassins and to kill her if she screws up too badly. (Beheading people who annoy her would qualify as screwing up, BTW.) But Sano isn't all-knowing and he has difficulty communicating what he does know.

2) Once chosen as a ruler, the Most High makes that ruler stop aging for the next 1,000 years. So Norida's monarchs could rule for 1,000 years, but Sano or a sneaky assassin tends to kill them off before they reach that mark. The ruler also heals rapidly from injury, but sometimes it's not rapid enough. It's also hard to hide who you are if you happen to heal right in front of somebody.

3) The royal sword is also nifty in that it never needs to be sharpened, but Rica finds out that lugging around a magical sword has some major drawbacks.

The first two fantasy elements drive why the action happens as it does--why Kobri doesn't declare himself king, why he hires other people to assassinate the rulers, why Sano hasn't killed Kobri, why 12 years of waiting aren't that long (in the grand scheme of things), etc. But, again, I can't figure out how to explain them and the story in only 400 words. At best, I can hint at them.

To answer other questions: Rica initially has no idea that her government is corrupt or why the Most High selected her. "Why her and only her" is answered throughout the story. Yes, she does tend to be a rather hands-on type of gal, but part of her problem is that she's never commanded anyone before. She has to learn how to be a commander/ruler and leave stuff like that to others. There's also the small element that the people who are supposed to be doing the investigating for her are trying to kill her instead. So what's a girl to do? Do it herself, of course.

TO EVERYONE ELSE, thanks for the comments, re-writes, etc.

The revised version has only about 250 words, so there's room to bring in some of the fantastical elements.

Many have been annoyed by the 400-word limit. If you send a query letter alone, it usually contains a 150 to 200-word synopsis. If you feel that's insufficient to hook an editor, you might send a brief cover letter along with a synopsis, which would likely be 300 - 400 words.

If an agent writes to you and requests a synopsis, she'll usually let you know how detailed she wants it. Could be a page and a half, could be 25 pages.

My feeling is that the people who come here because they find it useful will come no matter what the length, but the people who come because it's entertaining may disappear if I start posting 1000-word synopses of unpublished novels. No one ever said a synopsis made for good reading.

Think of me as an editor who wants 300 - 400-word synopses. You send me what I want, but if you don't like that version, you send a longer version to other editors and agents. It's like this is a writing exercise. Can you get it into 400 words? It's a challenge, but if the answer is no, it's no big deal.

Should it not be calf's liver?

My sense is that the synopsis has sucked all the life out of the story. I'm anticipating a long, hard slog through someone's personal hell with nary a moment of lightness to punctuate the gloom. That's a hard read. I bet it's not so monochromatic in the book, but that's how it comes across in the synopsis.

Where I grew up it was always calves liver. Google gives me 1.7 million hits on calves, and only 1.6 million on calf's. My authority on liver has always been the Peacock Inn. Here's their recipe:

http://peacockinn.com/liver.htm

Just how lively should a synopsis be? I usually aim for clarity, brevity, and hitting important plot points, under the assumption that the sample chapters will reveal my writing style. Should I be jazzing up my synopses as well?

-mb

Well 1.7 million vs. 1.6 million is hardly a landslide, but if the Peacock Inn says it's calves liver, I'm good with that.

Being raped by an ill-tempered father and having that screw up your subsequent relationships is a small plot. The story has to be in Renae's emotional development and how her finding Geoff changes her life.

You need to put her emptional development into the synopsis. That's the story. You have to tell us why "pulling the plug" on her father is so satisfying.

The part of the synopsis that I don't get is the "returning to Raymond". Maybe if I was more engaged in these issues, I would understand. Part of the problem is age. I assume she's in her late teens or early 20s at the time of the rape and then in her late 20s or early 30s when it ends?

Why is it a terrible secret to want to return to Raymond? If she wants to move back in with her dad when she's an adult, it seems to be a rather creepy relationship. (OK, the creepiness is clear from the abuse; what I don't get is Renae's desire to go back). If she is an adult and just wants to check in on her dad for a weekend, then I can imagine Geoff not supporting it, but I don't know why it's a terrible secret.

Maybe a lot of this comes down to age. In my head I have years going by for Renae, but her brother is still at home. Does this all take place when she's 16 and I misread something?

I don't think she's raped by her own father (Dave's take above), is she?! While all the other party goers watch?! If so, then the sequel needs to be vigilante justice where people behead the party goers.

Just how lively should a synopsis be?

It's a sample of your writing. It needn't be loaded with flowery language, but you may be asked to submit one without chapters, in which case it may be the main sample of your writng. If it puts the reader to sleep, that's not good.

A good test for whether it's lively enough: could you dance a jig to it?

5. I have necronumismaphobia, the fear that while I'm sleeping someone will think I'm dead and put coins on my eyes.

That doesn't sound scary, especially if they're gold coins. Have you seen the price of gold lately?

OK, EE, you're right. This is so Dragnet, it's almost camp.

I cut 217 words in the hour and a half before I sent you this thing. Apparently I sucked all the life (if there ever was any) right on out of it with that subtraction.

This synopsis sounds like the book is one big freakin downer- and it isn't. New Beginnings 211 (the hoof lamp guy), 350 (the gonad) and 304, (OK- that's a bit of a downer) come from this book, as some of the chapters were reworked for short stories as I wrote my way through this manuscript.

EE, your rewrite is really good.

The synopsis ends like the last series of the Sopranos. I'm waiting for something else to be said and it isn't there...

I agree that the emotional story is missing. WHY is she torn between going back and her love? Without the emotional turmoil, this is dry stuff. EE's rewrite makes it sounds so much better, though.

Sorry not to answer other things before - I was hurrying.

Hi anon 3:06pm - you're right - it's not so monochromatic in the book- and thanks for saying that.

Hi Dave and pacatrue- No- the father doesn't rape Renae. The time frame is skewed by the way I wrote the synopsis. I was trying to use EE's "outline" of what a synopsis is supposed to be, but I didn't do it very well. At all.

Renae literally leaves town for several periods of time , and comes back home - not home as in back in the same house, but home as in back in the same neighborhood, same life that she's trying to work out how to leave. That's part of the plot, but I didn't say it very well. I was worried about being 'listy'.

And anon 4;38, you hit it so perfectly when you said - "I'm waiting for something else to be said and it isn't there..." because there is more, except it's not in this book; it's in another one. Funny you saw that. I didn't realize I'd written it that way until you pointed it out.

I don't find anything strange about Renae's behavior.

Boys and girls who are sexually or physically abused still love their parents or the person in-loco-parentus. Even Women with abusive husbands tend to love those men (up to a point). It takes a big step for them to move away from the abuser and more courage to admit the abuse to others.

Worse yet, fathers or brothers or cousins who molest their young girls convince them to keep the secret. I don't want to go into details before dinner. It's a control thing. It's not sex with the abuser, it's control. And unfortunately, some mothers are completely in denial about abuse.

It takes monumental efforts for the woman to break that barrier and understand real love. They are told a bunch of lies about what the abuser thinks love is. So I can understand the deathbed scene.

I think that the query or synopsis has to reflect the emotion of that event. The novels payoff has to be emotional. It's not revenge. Renae doesn't pull the plug. She ceases to be Raymond's victim.

I like this. It has a good start. I want to see more about Renae's growth/strength and her relationship with Geoff. How did the early hardships enable her to achieve fulfillment later in life? Like the other poster, I want to have an idea of the time span of the novel.

I'd also like to see Renae be the one to pull the plug at the hospital, but that's a different story.

Great start, good luck!

I definitely understand that people who are abused can still feel a strong connection to their abuser. It was the vagueness of "returning to Raymond" that confused me.

Robin, I do find the use of "mother" and "Raymond" quite fascinating in itself. It's like the first person is only a role, not an individual with her own pursuits, while Raymond is just this guy named Ray who happens to be around and isn't actually a father.

Hi Dave-

You said - "It takes a big step for them to move away from the abuser and more courage to admit the abuse to others" - that's exactly right.

Sometimes, it's a long time before the thought of "having been abused"
occurs to a child- as his or her world view has been tilted into an unreal position. This occurs quite often when abuse is not as much physical, after a while, but travels for into emotional abuse. No party to it acknowledges,or is able to acknowledge, the awareness that any abuse has taken place - most invasive when it is framed as 'love'.

Hi paca- yes, you're right - and I left the mother's name out purposefully - I figure you already knew that.

Hi chuerch lady- the time span is mid-1960s to late 1970s. The "early hardships" initially frame "strength" and "weakness" in a sick way - both by establishing aberrant boundaries and definitions for those concepts, and by focusing on "being strong" to the detriment of a fully functioning adult personality. It's a lot to overcome - a skewed mindset that frames experience in this way.

Wow, EE's rewrites have been amazing, for all three synopses.

I've been wanting to comment on the synopses, but I never know what to say. I don't know how to write a synopsis myelf, and I'm terrified of the day I'll need to write one for my own novel, which has a complex, twisty-turny sort of plot that doesn't condense well. Further, I've never been entirely certain what a synopsis is meant to achieve, or how the task of writing it should be approached. I could comment on whether the stories are to my personal taste, but I don't think that sort of feedback is useful to the author. So I'm reading these with interest, but I've little to comment on.

Hi Robin,

Is there something she is looking for from Dad? Like his finally being proud of her or saying he loves her? Something that recurs and draws her back into his life. Something that she tries to find in all those relationships and never fills the void?

Does he say the words when he is dying? Or is she left with that empty feeling still?

It is hard to write a synopsis that doesn't make you want to slit your wrists with these subjects. A lot of the turning points / highlights can be on the dark side.

Sounds powerful!

Good Luck!
Sarah

Hi Sarah,

I guess the best way to describe what she wants is to say - she wants to be free of the influence he's had on her life - and yet, at the same time, she loves him very much. But there's no simple closure here- (as life isin't simple- I'm not a big fan of answers that are simple in what I read or write)- other than mustering the courage to walk in the room.

What's missing from my synopsis is the humor and survival attitude that's in the manuscript. You're right- it's hard to write one of these without sounding like life is one big tear-jerk.

I still think the party should be to celebrate the cousin's ordination the next day, and he gets drunk and slips her some tongue during a friendly kiss, and the next day she remembers this just as she's kissing his hand and pukes all over him. It'll be the scene from the movie that they put in all the commercials. And getting frenched by her cousin would still turn her against men for life. And now your synopsis has some laughs. Think about it.

Hi EE-

I promise you - there are more than a few good scenes that would make funny commercials - like a row of half-naked Playboy bunnies standing in front of a long mirror, cupping their boobs upward, all in a row, lookin like they're preparing themselves as a kind of 'en masse offering'.

"And getting frenched by her cousin would still turn her against men for life."

Unless you live in West Virginia, parts of Utah, or in downtown Riyadh.

The paradox of loving the abusive parent. He's her Dad and Dad's are meant to be loved. He's abusive and she wants well away from him.

Deep inside, all she wants are parents who love her for who she is. I think everyone can relate to that.

Interesting that so much is focusing on Dad. Isn't she pissed at Mom? Or is she really such a non-entity in the book?

Sarah

Hi Sarah-

She's distant from mom - always has been.

Someone mentioned earlier - EE? that Renae now doesn't like men. Exactly the opposite is true- she likes men a lot, doesn't trust women, and has very few female friends.

hey church lady- good one about the cousin! I made my husband watch Deliverance when we were deciding if I was gonna move to Britain or if he was gonna move here- I figured he should see it, to prep him for my rural relatives. When he did meet them, they seemed so damned cosmopolitan in comparison.

To this day, banjo music is a big turn off for him.

Is banjo music ever a turn-on for anyone?

Maybe I don't want an answer to that.

When Raymond is beating her brother, there are two things I wondered about.

First, if Raymond is in a rage and he's been abusive to her, how does she stop him, especially if it isn't with a bat? The "enough" line makes it sound like this will be a "The Burning Bed" plot. But he's still conscious, which is why --

-- I also wondered why Raymond is embarrassed. That doesn't sound like a word to describe an abuser who doesn't seem too contrite with his "mean genes" comment and his smirk when she leaves.

The story arc and Renae's personal growth is kind of what's missing here. The motivation for her to change.

But I must admit, your clipped style let you put in a lot of timeline arc. For a different kind of book, that would be great. For this one, I think, a little more character focus is needed.

Hoof lamp man and gonad guy are both from this book? Sounds like you have lots of territory to cover in your story! :o)

Hi phoenix-

You're right - there is a lot of territory not covered in this synopsis - with people like hoof lamp and the gonad guy- I sliced the description of that part of the book down to the two lines about the years of going away and coming back again.

The thing with Raymond is hard to explain in a short version- but (very) basically - Renae is the only person in the family who will take him on, verbally or otherwise.
The guy isn't evil incarnate- he's a very flawed human being who is susceptible to derision. He's used to being the one doling out derision - and physical abuse, when he deems it necessary- and in his world- he sees himself as the sole judge of what’s right and wrong- but Renae understands (as she has taken on many of his personality traits) - that you don't need physical violence to take stop Raymond- he's very susceptible to derision himself. And as she's learned from the master, she is piercingly good at it. That, and she has a wooden chair in her hands when she walks in the room.

EE mentioned that even though my novel is character driven, I needed more plot in my synopsis. And you mentioned that I needed more character development. And I think you’re both right – which is very frustrating. I was so frustrated yesterday, in fact, I decided I wasn’t going to include anyone who requested a synopsis on my query list.

But that isn’t true- although it did make me feel better for a few hours.

Hey Robin:

Don't despair. Maybe your 617-word synopsis strikes just the right balance and has just the voice needed. If that's the case, then you simply need to stay away from agents asking for a 1-page synopsis :o)

In the end, though, it's a crapshoot, assuming your query and/or synopsis is the least bit coherent. Look at the queries Kristin recently posted for a couple of big-dollar deals. The one about the brothers (Demon Lexicon)had a LOT of writers scratching their heads, asking WTF (including me and Goblin). It would have been ripped to pieces here on EE's blog, I dare say. Even Nathan Bransford admitted he wasn't sure if he would have requested pages off of it.

So, if you've got something that's halfway coherent and grammatical and you're happy with it even if everyone else is down on it, send it. If you know in your heart it's not where you want it to be, rework it based on the feedback that's relevant and then send it. Only you know the intent of the story and whether or not the work resonates with other books an agent reps.

Best of luck!

Thanks, phoenix!

Perhaps I'm mis-remembering, but was Mt. Vesuvius's eruption not so much flaming lava but more mud and ash?

Like EE, I also find it strange that Trenus, "a devout" (is that a noun?) Christian, puts much stock in what the oracle of Apollo has to say about Vulcan's Forge. Or that the oracle of Apollo would have much to say about the Christian Apocalypse, when it comes down to it. This mix-and-match faith seems off to me.

In the beginning of the synopsis, you say that Trenus's goal is "to gain absolution." At the end of the synopsis, you don't tell us whether the church welcomes him back or all his efforts were for nothing.

I think "guard marches" is correct. It's a unit. You wouldn't say, "the praetorian group march..." would you?

Perhaps I'm mis-remembering, but was Mt. Vesuvius's eruption not so much flaming lava but more mud and ash?

Wow. How old are you?

I'm having trouble with "the Christian apocalypse" because It is the twilight of the Roman deities and not the the Christian apocalypse described in the last book of the New Testament.

Perhaps my confusion is caused by the imprecise use of God and gods for the Christian God and the Roman deities. I know apocalyptic beliefs were floating around in this historical time but is it reasonable for the Oracle at the Temple of Apollo to predict both the fall of Roman deities and the the Christian apocalypse? That calls up so much baggage of the "tribulation" and End Times.

Are you sure that you want to get mired in that much eschatology? Or is it that Trenus can restore the Roman deities and prevent the rise of the Christian God on Vesuvius? When he can't control the worldfire (shades of Loge) the Roman deities lose and the time of the Christian God begins?

I really don't want to provoke a long discussion of this, I just need the author to clarify what the novel says and perhaps change the wording to match.

You wouldn't say, "the praetorian group march..." would you?

I might. Most sites I've checked suggest that if the entire group act(s) as one, it takes a singular verb. If the members do their own thing, it's plural. For example:

The football team is on the road. Singular verb.

But . . . After the game, the football team shower, dress and head for their homes. Plural verbs.

So the question is, is the praetorian guard marching as a single unit against the Church, or are their members going to different places and acting against different people?

Perhaps I'm mis-remembering, but was Mt. Vesuvius's eruption not so much flaming lava but more mud and ash?

Wow. How old are you?



Really, really old. :-)

Which is why I'm having trouble thinking back to my college days, when I was a Classical Studies major and learned all this stuff.

"[If my life was in danger so long as the spy lived, and I had the power to summon and control fire, you would soon see a raging inferno engulfing the spy.]"

and

"Clue: The bigger the helmet crest, the bigger the . . . sword."

EE, you made my day.

I don't yet know what I think about the synopsis - I'm gonna have to do a reread - I really enjoy reading history - and a novel based on historical events would be interesting to me - but I confess I don't know much about this 'time'.

However, the mercenary/mage attraction thing - I'm definitely there, history or not. Tell me more.

So the question is, is the praetorian guard marching as a single unit against the Church, or are their members going to different places and acting against different people?

Hmm. If it's that ambiguous, I might be inclined to rephrase the sentence to be clear: i.e. ...the members of the praetorian guard march... or something similar.

I think the issue here, really, is that it's not really clear if the sentence refers to "guard" as a single person or "guard" as a group working in unison.

Using different words would seem to be the way to go...

But guys, surely this is an alternate reality, not historical fiction. 'Cause as far as I know, there weren't really mages mixed up with Diocletian. So I don't know that we can really demand "accuracy" here.

I did find the rewrite much easier to read. I especially enjoyed the bit about the pizza chefs, and was disappointed to go back to the original and see it wasn't there. Author, consider adding the pizza chef plot.

-mb

It's described as historical fantasy (in Face-Lift 396). It's my impression the author is aiming for historic accuracy. Plus mages.

Pizza was not invented in Italy. Wake up and smell the crust. IN NAPLES.
Pizza (as we know it) was invented in Naples for the visit of Princess Margherita of Italy in 1880.

Naples had a flatbread covered with tomato but it wasn't what anyone calls "pizza" today. It was the food of the poor and lower-classes flavored with oil, lard, tallow, cheese, tomato, or anchovies. FIshermen at it at nights after they returned to port.
I can just see the little Italian fisherman's wife with two knitting needles holding her bun, a gold tooth and a mole on her left cheek, throwing the roughly kneaded dough on the board, slopping oil or some other fat on it, sloshing the cold red sauce and some bits of cheese and yesterday's anchovy on it, then baking it over the dying embers of the baking over. That was good enough for her man when he got home.
I'm a romantic, ain't I?

I vote for the pizza chef subplot too. I picture two guys with fake mustaches, tossing pizza dough in the air while singing, I eat antipasta twice just because she is so nice, Angelina...

Also, most history is fantasy anyway, so what's the big deal?

No one said pizza was invented in Italy.

Fishermen at it at nights after they returned to port.

I didn't sleep well last night. I suspect it may have been a fisherman at it in the hotel room next to mine. Three freaking times. Why do they design hotels so the beds in adjoining rooms share the dividing wall?

"I suspect it may have been a fisherman at it in the hotel room next to mine. Three freaking times..."

...or maybe that was Trenus and Jerel, making up for all of that lost time. Yeah, I'm going with that one. Gives me nicer pictures to contemplate.

Maybe one of 'em even wore a helmet. You never know, so that's what I'm going with.

I was gonna end there - but I just typed in that word ver thing - and it's: suhsucm. I couldn't quite believe it, but, yeah, there it was, starin' me right in the eye.

Maybe one of 'em even wore a helmet.

Based on what I heard, his helmet was up front and center.

One thing to be aware of on the whole "guard" as singular or plural thing is that there are definite dialectal differences on this. In some dialects of English, "the crowd is going wild" while in others "the crowd are going wild". The second one makes me cringe in horror, but it's the only correct way to say it for other dialects of English. I'd go with whatever the history books you are reading do, particularly if they are published in the same area of the world as the publishers you are seeking. In other words, don't use an Australian book as a grammar model if you are submitting to NY houses. The only correct answer is the one that lets you communicate more easily with agents, editors, and readers.

I haven't heard "the crowd are going wild" before. I have heard "the crowds are going wild" which does make some sense.

In British English, names of towns and countries take plural verbs when they refer to sports teams but singular verbs when they refer to the actual place: England are playing Germany tonight refers to a football game, but England is the most populous country of the United Kingdom refers to the country. In North American English, such words are invariably treated as singular.

As Dave notes, different strokes for different countries, as pointed out in this usage note:

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/collective%20noun

England are playing Germany tonight refers to a football game...

Actually, in British English both forms are used. I've heard "England are playing", "England is playing", "England play".

However, if Germany are/is involved, it is/are not a game.

Oh, we can put punctuation outside the quotes too, which is very liberating. Much as the allies were in France in...

I've been reading/editing a Brit's short story. One of the Briticisms in the story that struck me as funny was, "she fell pregnant."

He was as surprised that I found the phrase odd as I was to see it. (And I don't believe it is a crude phrase, like "she got knocked up.")

When reading a Brit's writing, I ignore plurals and prepositions, which are "different to" American ones.

EE, the "knocked up" thing reminded me of a project from a few years ago wherein I was trying to construct a list of "euphomorphisms," a term that, as far as I know, I coined. I started that after the first appearance of snigglet lists. The only example I remember is "got knocked up with child," a combination of the crude "got knocked up" and the euphemistic "with child." Could this be one of your exercises?

Possibly, though a couple more examples would help us get the hang of it.

All of this illustrates why I hate Synopsis.
I write a novel of 260 pages and the thought of a dreaded synopsis scares me worse than a Vesuvius eruption.


suppose.wordpress.com

If I were the editor (which the reading public is probably glad I'm not), I would expect "praetorian guard" to be capped.

As "Diocletian's" is performing the role of an adjective here, rather than that of a noun, "his" must refer to the Guard. Maybe "When the Praetorian Guard marches against the Church in 304CE, 17 year-old TRENUS must use his magecraft to fight Diocletian's elite soldiers." Or something of that ilk.

Historical/ Mythological Nits - the Oracle of Apollo was the Oracle at Delphi. Referring to it as anything else will drive people who know the time frame and mythology crazy.

Vesuvius erupted primarily ash. It was the ash and not the lava flow that buried two cities.

Sibyl was a monster that bedeviled Odyseuss.

The Persion legion? The actual Persion army? It was mostly trying to wipe Rome and Greece out at this time. I doubt it would offer them support if that's who you mean.


If you are trying for historical/ alternate history fiction you need to get the terminology right.

EE should definately continue the Synopsis thing past the test group.

Most of my other comments have already been picked up. I would like some idea of whether he gets absolution now that he's not a mage or if he cares in the end.

Vesuvius' 79 AD eruption was gas, a pyroclastic flow, and mud. It still seems to have had some fire fountains, but not lava.

FWIW any time a volcano erupts like Vesuvius it's called a 'Plinian eruption'.

Helps to have a volcanologist in the family.

I went back and read the face-lift. Phoenix, I think this reads much better, given EE's suggestions.

From the revised version
I liked the first paragraph, it captures the conflict immediately:

304 A.D. Roman Emperor Diocletian's praetorian guard march against the Church, and 17-year-old TRENUS uses his magecraft to help repel the soldiers. But the Church elders, rather than show gratitude, censure Trenus as they have all mages. Forced to flee, the devout young man vows to gain absolution by ending Rome's religious persecutions.

The second paragraph fell flat. I can't say why, but it just didn't spark. Perhaps talk about Trenus' abilities and why Jerel is drawn to him. I want more emotion in this paragraph:

Not far from Rome, Trenus takes refuge with the "Persian legion," a ragtag group of gay soldiers. There he meets JEREL, a 20-year-old mercenary. Neither expects the searing soul-bond that ignites between them, but Trenus quickly embraces it for the security it promises. Jerel refuses to admit the attraction, yet already he finds it impossible to abandon the boy.


The third paragraph is almost there. I think the first sentence is too long.

Jerel helps Trenus return secretly to Rome, introducing him to a cabal of Christian and Manichaeist refugees plotting their own retaliations against the emperor from the catacombs beneath the city. Trenus, whose craft can summon and control fire, works with the leaders -- until a Roman spy assaults Jerel and holds him to ransom. Trenus negotiates Jerel's release, and the two leave Rome.

The fourth paragraph lost me, but I'm no expert on this time period. Perhaps your audience will be. I thought the Temple of Apollo was too much detail.

They visit the Temple of Apollo where the god's sibyl reveals that the Roman gods are set to die, the Christian apocalypse looms, and a mage will initiate all of this by loosing the firehounds and giving voice to the worldfire burning in Vulcan's Forge. The Seventh Seal must be opened; Mount Vesuvius -- the Mouth of Hell -- awaits.


I want some more emotion in this paragraph, it seems pivotal:
En route to Vesuvius, Trenus and Jerel are captured by a Roman tribune. Both are wounded -- Trenus in craft, Jerel in body -- but manage to escape by disguising themselves as pizza chefs from Venice. The ordeal draws them emotionally closer.

Last two paragraphs: I think these can be shortened and combined.

In the crater of Vesuvius, Trenus frees the firehounds, but when he tries to channel the worldfire, the backlash triggers a volcanic eruption. His craft is consumed; but the sacrifice of his magecraft opens the Seventh Seal, and sets in motion the apocalypse. It also acts as the catalyst Jerel needs to surrender soul and self to Trenus's love.

Even as lava from Vesuvius flows, Diocletian, bowing to prophecy -- and a young mage who can command volcanoes -- abdicates the imperial throne, ending the persecutions and preparing the way for Constantine to usher in a new era in Rome.


Anyway, just a few thoughts. I don't read this genre, but I gave it a shot.

Best of luck with this. I think it sounds like it's a great book!

Church Lady

I was hungry, really hungry. I was having an emotional relationship with pizza. Love at first bite.
;)

Author here.

The synopsis stuff:

A HUGE thank you, everyone -- and especially EE! Great rewrite, which I shall snitch from unashamedly, and I loved the snide comments (church's apse and not chilling are my faves!). You all have been MUCH kinder than I thought you'd be regarding the synopsis. Maybe I'm too close, but for me it doesn't have the voice I want it to or enough historical flavor.

Good point, all, about not tying back the absolution part (dang the 400-word limit. I cut most of this part, hoping no one would notice, but had to leave some of it in to explain motivation). If you're interested, the guy who becomes pope around the time Diocletian abdicates is historically pretty liberal. And he's the only one in the church where Trenus is raised that knows the boy's a mage. So, yeah, Trenus gets absolution.

Mmm... pizza.

Funny thing, Church Lady, the 'graph you point to as seeming pivotal really isn't. Well, the events are, yes, in the story, but not really necessary in the synopsis except to point to another obstacle and a way to get the guys growing closer. I almost ditched it altogether and left it in last minute just to see what people would say about it.

And I feel the Temple of Apollo 'graph is overlong, too, but it's my reason this prophecy fantasy story is different from all the billions of prophecy fantasies out there so I suppose I was trying to hammer in that point. It is different. I swear it's different. Really, it is!

Which brings me to ... the religious stuff:

I DO want to want to get mired in that much eschatology, Dave. I want to say that prophecy will out no matter whether it's John the Prophet (Revelation) or the Sibyl of Apollo doing the prophesying. Especially since the Greco-Roman gods don't have their own apocalypse or Ragnorak or other End of the World rhetoric. So yeah, it mixes religions with a purpose.

The firehounds are what the Roman gods call the four beasts that attend the Throne and who are present each time a Seal is opened. Vulcan captures the beasts hoping to stave off his impending doom. I obviously over-belabored the point that Vulcan's Forge is the same as the Mouth of Hell, which is the same as God's Lake of Fire, which is the same as Mount Vesuvius. It's also the firehounds/beasts that will set the flaming cross into the sky for Constantine to see a few years down the road.

The grammar stuff:

I've gone back and forth with capping and uncapping "praetorian guard" -- like the collective noun thing, nothing really definitive. Different style guides will point different directions... (I work with a global community in my editor role at my day job, and in the UK, a company name takes the plural, even when referring to the company as a single unit. But it always looks weird to my US sensibilities.)

The historical stuff:

Vesuvius spewed out lots of gas and stone, yes, but there's lava in that there volcano, too.
http://www.ingentaconnect.com/
content/bsc/gji/2005/
00000163/00000002/art00007
And pictures from a more recent eruption:
http://digitallibrary.smu.edu/
cul/gir/ww2/mcsc/italy/pages/mcs102it.htm

The lava flow reference is there simply to indicate Diocletian abdicates pretty quickly, not to infer the lava is burying anything. If it's coming across that way, I need to change that phrase. It was a toss-off anyway.

Oracle/Sibyl - many oracles (usually the Greek term) and sibyls (usually the Roman term) in the day; people all know the famous Oracle at Delphi, but there was one at Didyma and one in Rome, and elsewhere, too.

Sibyl as a monster bedeviling Odysseus? Hmmm...perhaps you're thinking of Scylla (also spelled Skylla)?

Persian army (Sassanids) was/were (choose your own collective noun verb form) fighting in Italy at this time. Skirmishes mostly, because the Romans had pretty much put them in their place. Almost a "gentleman's war." There were also a lot of Persian Manichaeists who were being persecuted along with the Christians, so there was religious sympathy between Persians and Christians; hence, they would be accepting of a Christian escaping Rome. Especially if he were a mage, in this story.

Milan is the official capital of the empire during this time, but Rome is still the big bad, and where most of the persecutions take place. Maximian is just a figurehead, and the persecution edicts are issued by Diocletian. So it's like when you have a suicide bomber outside an embassy in Africa, but the bomb is directed to the American president.

Again, thank you all for taking the time to respond! It's always eye-opening to see where people stumble over stuff you think is obvious and vice versa.

Nitting at nits:
Sibyl was a priestess of Apollo who prophesied by his inspiration. The most famous was the Cumaean Sibyl who, in Virgil, directed Aeneas to Hades.

I almost ditched it altogether and left it in last minute just to see what people would say about it.



I also almost ditched it, but there needs to be some transition from the previous paragraph to being in the crater. If you ditch their capture, there should still be a "They make their way to the volcano" sentence added to one of the surrounding paragraphs.

Evil Editor said... Possibly, though a couple more examples would help us get the hang of it.

EE, euphemorphism examples. This is informational; I won't be heart-broken if you don't post it.

--Child making--

Knocked up with child

--Experienced ladies and gentlemen--

Lady of the baudy evening

Living in sin together

Sleep undressed with

Consenting horny adults


--Ample people--

Big-ass boned.


--Lack of respiration--

No longer kicking the bucket with us (rare double-euphemism)

Go down for the third and last time

Go the way of all dead flesh

Bought the worm farm

Have your casket ticket punched

EE; Just curious - how many synopses did you receive? Enough interest to make this a regular feature?

Hmm, yeah, but to my UK sensibilities it looks wrong uncapped! lol These are the guys protecting the Emperor (usually)--they deserve capital letters ;).

I mistakenly assumed Persian Legion was the name of one of the Roman legions--like the Fulminata--but Google soon showed me the error of my ways. I think "Persian army" would reduce the opportunities for confusion.

How many synopses did you receive? Enough interest to make this a regular feature?

Four. Pretty much no interest. Of course I put the window at an inconvenient time, to avoid getting a hundred, but apparently I needn't have worried. As we often run low on queries, I could just include synopses in the query queue.

I should point out that it wasn't/isn't my intention to do revised versions of every synopsis, but I did want to get a few samples on the blog.

Wonder if this novel would be best displayed by a different form of synopsis, one sectioned by characters, historical background, etc.

My guess is - most people didn't have a snyopsis ready to send, and the short notice made it tough to come up with one quickly - but that beats receiving 100, as you mentioned.

I think this is really helpful- thanks for doing it.

It looks like a boatload of work for you.

Pretty much no interest. Of course I put the window at an inconvenient time...

Well, it was also a pretty short window for developing a 400-word synopsis (Church Lady and I both clocked in at 399 words, I think). CL trimmed hers from 1000+ words and I created mine new. I have two other works that I've already written synopses for, but they're longer than 400 words, and I didn't have the time to rework them to meet the deadline. Whereas most writers ready to submit have a one-page (or less) query and pages ready to go.

But being able to submit either a query or a synopsis might generate more interest. Thanks for considering synopses!

Yay me for getting mine in early to get the advantage of your rewrite!

I like the sound of this story (and understand it better now) much more than I did when I read the query (or NB?) or both? Might the firebird be using anachronisms later on??? Oh! does your sibyl have multiple personalities?

I totally missed the window. I saw the first synopsis and thought you'd hand-picked some minions for a trial run. My bad. I happened to have been working on a synopsis to shorten it.

There once was a Roman named Trenus
Whose helmet plume nomen obscenus.
It sat on his head
In Vesuvian red
While he waved it about like a...sword.

pulp

wow, pulp - good one!

You rhymed right around one of my all-time favorite words.

Well, that's it. Pulp wins this thread. Turn in your chips, this round's over.

OK. This works! EE, you're obviously starting on a high. Or you're just high. Whichever, I like what you did here.

So what are you on? And where do you get it?

OMG! That may be the funniest EE post I've ever read. My apologies to the author for my schadenfreude, but OMG! If this is any indication of what EE's Synopses bits are going to be like, I think they'll be an even bigger hit than the NBs.

The labeled artwork, in particular, really just made my morning.

To the author, I agree with EE's tightening of your synopsis...these boys go on a fantastical journey...they're faced with many serious challenges, and they grow as a result. We need to know more about the boys and why we should care about them. Fascinating concept with a lot of potential, I think.

Funny thing is, I spent a couple of months writing a synopsis that ended up being about 1,000 words. Then on the "Eve of the Synopsis," I got it down to 399 words and clicked 'save.' Totally lost the longer version. And now the shorter version sucks eggs.

Okay, all whining aside. The painting jokes were very funny. Loved the joke about the boy puking in particular. Actually, all your jokes were funny.

I really like your edits. I'm going to go with your version and expand a bit as you suggested.

Oh, and my deepest apologies that my short clunky sentence offended you. Hopefully you won't be reliving it in nightmares or anything :-)

Thanks so much!!!!

I agree, hilarious. And you know, after reading EE's version, I thought the plot sounded interesting. The first version was way too rambling, with no clear idea what Breughel had to do with anything. And I sympathize, author, completely. It is so hard to look at your own story and figure out which details to tell and which to withhold, because YOU know the significance of the dog, or the weird bedtime story, but you can't explain it without adding another paragraph. If I were you, I'd take EE's version and run with it.

-mb

...to the abandoned Kruger house, both gladly go... and ...but Andy is afraid of the Kruger curse... seem to conflict.

Hey Church Lady,

Sounds like an interesting book. Good way to teach some history and about the artist. I hope you can pull it all together. Looks like EE gave you a great push in the right direction.

I thought the post was very funny, too.

And, if you are using MS Word, you can turn on versions. It will save each version (every time you close it) so you can go back and retrieve an earlier one. I just started using it, so am not much help with the details.

Sarah

Bruegel painting and key: Too funny!

Church Lady! Precie! So this is where you hang out! Cool. It was nice to see Chumplet had some success after vetting her query here. Church Lady, I know it's tough being in the hot seat, but hopefully EE helped clarify your story's presentation in synopsis form.

It reminds me of the famous Flaubert quote:

"Language is a cracked kettle on which we beat out tunes for bears to dance to, while all the time we long to move the stars to pity."

Sure as hell applies to me.

For more illustrated quotes about writing and the writing life, please visit http://quoteitwrite.blogspot.com

I wonder if "Steve's father is never happy..." wouldn't work better as "Steve's father is never satisfied..."? Unhappiness could spring from many causes, but dissatisfaction implies more of what the author was getting at. Maybe?

Yanno, I've had my doubts about EE -- haven't always agreed with him. Yeah, yeah, he's a funny guy when he's snarking someone else's work, but we all know the saying, those who can't ...

Well, I must admit, EE's rewrite is. just. brilliant. (almost.) Sticks to the main story. Keeps the voice -- no, actually improves upon the voice (yes, EE, I said that!). A nice, easy flow with none of the labored synopsis feel.

So, why did I sneak in "almost"? No qualifications if this were a "straight" novel, like most of us are writing (and if you can do for mine what you did for CL's, I'd be thrilled without qualification). But this book's intent is to be instructional, so I think the peasants and some of the details in this particular instance are important to show an agent that those elements are firmly embedded in the storyline. The teenagers, no. The dog, no -- unless he stays behind to sire a new breed that wouldn't exist today if he hadn't gone back in time, yadda, yadda.

Church Lady, I still like your concept here for interweaving general history and art history for kids. When you buid out the synopsis from EE's start, I'd still like to see you slip in everyday period things like groats for dinner (just not in a "they are given groats for dinner" way; more in a "Eww, groats for dinner?" and "Sleeping on hay? Cool!" way) since you're demonstrating not just a fun story, but one that teaches about everyday life in that time, too.

That said, the synopsis I submitted is pure "what was I thinking when I wrote this" crap. So while I think we all know HOW it should be done, actually executing on the concept is what's killer. I have high hopes for your book(s), CL!

I had my doubts about the humor value in reading synopses, but EE came through. Thanks for being first, Churchlady.

I disagree with EE on one point: I did care about the time-traveling teenagers, and would have liked to hear more about them. They've spent a year in 1560 and they bully younger kids and now they're willing to stay in 1560 so the younger kids can go home quicker? I'm intrigued.

That keyed painting was priceless - I laughed out loud here at work.

Heh.

I had a hard time with the original (I'm a huge dog lover, but even I didn't know why the dog was included in the original synopsis), but EE came up with something that sounded like an interesting story.

Good luck with it!

~jerseygirl

They've spent a year in 1560 and they bully younger kids and now they're willing to stay in 1560 so the younger kids can go home quicker? I'm intrigued.



Unfortuntely, the kids who've spent a year in the past are now in 1561, so you won't meet them. Or rather you'll meet them, but just as they were arriving in 1560, and before anything intriguing has happened to them.

hi phoenix - You hit the nail on its head with this: "A nice, easy flow with none of the labored synopsis feel" - I can already see, from EE's redo of CL's synopsis, that the laboring issue is a part of mine as well.

EE, you were so on fire with the humor today.

Church Lady - I think a lot of your synopsis was good. I think it was said earlier- but - I'll say it again, I guess. I'd take what EE did and make it your own, adding and subtracting from it to get it the way you want it.

And sorry to hear about your now-missing longer synopsis!

Almost there, Church Lady.

EE - your synopsis was brilliant. Really made me want to read this ms. Can't wait to submit my own for a re-write.

That key to "Children's Games" is laugh-out-loud funny. If I ever see that painting again in another context, I'm sure I'll start giggling.

If you choose to keep selective details such as Phoenix suggests, I would recommend avoiding flat and mechanical description such as "they are approached by a band of archers."
Have them "blunder into a rag-tag band of mercenaries on the dusty roads."

Thanks again to EE for this rewrite. It *is* really good-makes me want to read my ms too! (Ha! I can trick agents into thinking I have a good book!)

I appreciate everyone's comments. This is so great--I was on the begging bandwagon for these synopses. And a first-rate editor wrote mine....errr..'edited' mine for me! Can't beat that :-)

Phoenix, the educational details are hopefully woven seamlessy so the child/reader doesn't realize that he's learning. Kinda like sitting on a floor with a toddler and playing with those ABC puzzles--toddler learns the alphabet without realizing it. That's what I'm aiming for. And a few of those details are in my query. Which begs the question--what's the difference between a query and a short synopsis like this? Is the query supposed to hook the agent, while a short synopsis describes your main story arc? Is that basically it?

Bernita--LOL! You'd be a great children's writer! I will take your advice, Thanks!

Thanks again, EE! Can't wait to see the next one.

Good question church lady-

"Which begs the question--what's the difference between a query and a short synopsis like this? Is the query supposed to hook the agent, while a short synopsis describes your main story arc? Is that basically it?"

I'd like to know because there are several agency websites now that request electronic submission synopses, 400-500 words. So - my guess would be there's a hook and arc involved in that instance, (sans traditional query) - but, with a query, a synopsis would be story arc only?

CL says: Which begs the question--what's the difference between a query and a short synopsis like this?

screams and pulls out hair before setting skull alight

That's NOT what "begs the question" means, which is "avoid the question"--the exact opposite of what you're trying to say.

I'm flummoxed at the inability of writers to get this level of standard grammar right.

HA! I **KNOW** you anon! You were on Miss Snark, setting yourself alight for the same reason!

I am not kidding--I thought about that post on Miss Snark when I typed those words "Begs the question"

ROTFLMAO

:-)
Church Lady

So, question beggar, you're 'flummoxed at the inability of writers to get this level of standard grammar right', huh?

Here's what I just found by Googling -- Begging the question is related to the fallacy known as circular argument, circulus in probando, vicious circle or circular reasoning. As a concept in logic the first known definition in the West is by the Greek philosopher Aristotle around 350 B.C., in the Prior Analytics.

Colloquially, the phrase is commonly used to mean "suggests the question" or "raises the question" ---

Colloquial usage works for me.
I think it might be time to, ya know, get a life or somethin like that.

Robin, I think your post begs the question, "Does question beggar get the colloquial thing?"

I'm flummoxed at the inability of writers to get this level of standard grammar right.

Shouldn't you be flummoxed by the inability of writers? Or is there more than one way to phrase something?

I wonder if "Steve's father is never happy..." wouldn't work better as "Steve's father is never satisfied..."?

Change instituted.

An art store? Lost me with that one...

I think the story could work, but the presentation doesn't interest me. What's the excitement? Where's the danger. You are basically telling me these kids are just wandering around safely, like they are playing a Myst game or something. Myst is fun to play, but no fun to read about.

Hi Wwrtnwrd--
One boy is afraid of the Kruger curse (yes, it's a werewolf curse) and the moon is nearly full. The other boy thinks he has the plague.

There are bullies, bed-bugs, and bone-pits. And that's just the letter 'B.'

I have to make sure the synopsis conveys this. Thanks!

'Steve's father remains overly critical but at least Steve has the satisfaction of infecting him with the plague'.

Loooool. Thx Evil Editor for that choke-on-coffee moment and thx Church Lady for yr bravery.

EE, I shouldn't have read the key to your illustration while I'm sick. I had a nasty cold and I'm hawking up nasty green stuff out of my lungs. After I read this I started laughing and wheezing and hawked up a nasty mucous plug onto my screen. I'm just glad it wasn't my keyboard or I'd be really mad at you.