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I want to tell you a quick story, with permission from who told it to me, of the unexpected ways books connect us. A few years ago I did a photographic essay of men and boys reading Princess Academy to illustrate that, yes, this does happen and yes, it is okay for heaven's sake. One of the participants is this man, who I've known for years:

He is a family man. He has many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren and is hands-on involved in their lives in an active, loving manner. He's a treasure. A few years ago one of his grandchildren gave up her two precious children for adoption. As is often the case, even though it was for the best, it was still very hard for the whole family.

The two kids, a brother and sister, joined a loving family. And not knowing that their birth grandparents knew me, they apparently became fans of my books. One day the grandson is reading through my past blog posts and sees the above picture. He recognizes "Papa." And so the boy has his mother take a picture of him reading Princess Academy in the same manner, recreating the photo. His adoptive mother sends the picture to his birth mother, who shows the birth grandparents. And today, with tears, they showed it to me.

Yesterday (Mother's Day) my 4yo woke me up at 6:30 am. She busied herself with something for a few minutes, so I opened my computer and wrote this.

It's mother's day! And I am a mother. I am not a goddess. I am not a saint. I am not an angel. I am Wile E. Coyote and perfection is the Road Runner. There have been times in my life when I yearned to be a mother and couldn't. There have been times when I was a mother and would have offered up the title to Mephistopheles in exchange for a few hours of sleep. At times I have wept with transcendental joy at the profound miracle of these precious tiny individuals, and hummed and sang and nearly burned up with the honor of being the one who got to care for them. At times I have wept with the crushing burden of being that one and allowed my gaze to flick to the road and contemplate, even for a second, on the possibility of just running away.

The Forgotten Sisters, the final book in the Princess Academy series, hits shelves one week from today. Preorder the book from anywhere and get a free poster.

Here are details of my upcoming appearances in Utah, Chicago, North Carolina, Wyoming, and Santa Monica. I need to focus more on writing and family than on trips and book events, so I will be cutting back wherever possible this year. Catch me while you can!

What am I currently working on? Nine things. Short stories, screenplays, a graphic novel, an adult novel, some middle grade and young adult novels. I honestly don't know which one will be finished and out first. I often hear non-writers muse that coming up with ideas must be the hardest part of writing. There are many things harder than coming up with ideas.

1. Sitting my butt down and writing every day
2. Ignoring the internet
3. Not letting myself get discouraged
4. Getting enough sleep at night
5. Eating healthy food
6. Ignoring the internet
7. Choosing which ideas to work on first
8. Staying with one book till it's finished and not getting distracted by all the other shiny ideas
9. Sitting my butt down and writing every day
10. Balancing work time with business/publicity and family needs

Today I took my four-year-olds to their indoor soccer class, stood outside the door, and had a phone interview with Sally from Publisher's Weekly about Princess Academy's tenth anniversary. The class pit the girls against the boys. My daughters had a stunning plan for victory: stand directly in front of the PVC-pipe-and-net goal and twirl their hair in eerie unison. And then when a boy kicked the ball anywhere near them, they picked up the goal and turned it around. I watched and laughed and gave my interview. A janitor overheard me on the phone and interrupted the call to ask, "Are you a writer? Do you have any books out? What are they? I love to read."

So do I, my friend.

A Salon article sparked some conversations yesterday on twitter and rightly so. I thought the article writer made some excellent points (as well as missed some others), but it all feeds into the conversation we've been having the last couple of weeks about writers and money and how we use our time. I think it's vital to acknowledge privilege wherever we have it--yes I've worked hard, I've sacrificed a lot to be able to write books, but I've also had help. It was a huge help that for the first 8 months of my marriage we lived on my husband's income while I finished The Goose Girl. When my student loan payments kicked in, I put aside fulltime writing to get a job, and my writing became slower and more sporadic.

We had some rocky years with job losses and recession, but then there were 2 1/2 cushy years when he had a job that paid our bills and I was able to stay home with our first child, who did not have special needs and was a good napper. (I did have two books published at this point, but that income was pocket change.) I was able to write Princess Academy, River Secrets, and Austenland during that time. I've written while having a fulltime job, I've written with small children and no babysitting help, I've put in the hardcore years. But I've been much more productive when I didn't have to work full time, when I did have a babysitter, etc.  Circumstance has as much to do with the ability to create art as talent and passion.

Privilege also meant I was born in a house with books in it. Both my parents were college graduates. I didn't have to worry about where I was getting my next meal. I wasn't mocked for spending a Saturday reading. I was encouraged and able to attend college. I was encouraged and supported in my decision to get an MFA. At every point in my life, I've been surrounded by people literate in things like how to apply for college or a student loan or a checking account, all the nitty gritty stuff that helps lead to success that I had the privilege of taking for granted.

One part of the article stood out to me. The writer tells about a bookstore event she attended for a breakout, successful author.

"When...an audience member, clearly an undergrad, rose to ask this glamorous writer to what she attributed her success, the woman paused, then said that she had worked very, very hard and she’d had some good training, but she thought in looking back it was her decision never to have children that had allowed her to become a true artist. If you have kids, she explained to the group of desperate nubile writers, you have to choose between them and your writing. Keep it pure. Don’t let yourself be distracted by a baby’s cry."

When I was young and hopeful of becoming a writer, I believed that was true too. I'd heard other women writers say the same. I thought I'd have to choose between being a writer or being a mother. It was a great motivator for me, actually, to finish The Goose Girl because I thought that would be it. I needed to get one book out before having a kid because then it would be all over.

Twenty books and four children later, it's not all over.

I've written at length about living in the crossroads of art and mothering. It's challenging for sure. And I have a feeling that the books I write (genre, for children), that glamorous, childless writer wouldn't consider real books anyway. But it's simply not true that children prevent deep thought, the creation of art, the passion for something as involved and longterm as writing a novel. There are many writers who have proved otherwise, over and over again. And for me, the more years I spend with my kids, the more stories I'm eager to tell, both for them and for me.

I dug out my childhood journal this week to read for research. I showed my 10yo and 7yo entries from when I was their age. And then I left it out while I went to put my younger kids to bed.

When I came back, my older kids had read on and found a post from when I was 14, depressed, and talking about killing myself. My initial reaction was shame and regret. I didn't want my kids to see in me that weakness. I was afraid of the mere topic of suicide. But I took a breath and said a prayer and we sat down to talk.

It turned out to be an amazing conversation. They wanted to know why I'd felt that way. THey were concerned about me. My first job was to assure them I was fine. We talked about my younger years, why I felt that way, and why sometimes there's no reason other than just plain sadness. We talked about how at the time for various reasons I didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to about it, and how my job as their mom was to always be someone they could talk to. And about suicide in general--what it is, and how if anyone ever tells them they want to hurt or kill themselves, they should tell me. That is a secret we never keep.

I think sometimes our instinct as parents is to hide our vulnerabilities. But it can be powerful for kids to understand that we went through hard stuff and came out okay. That can be a sturdy hope to cling to when they go through their own stuff. If we try to put up a veneer of perfection out of a misguided attempt to seem trustworthy and stable, we miss the opportunity to show empathy. My kids maybe now are more likely to admit to me their own worries and weaknesses because they know I'll understand.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays, y'all! Lots of stuff going down in 2014. As a last look at 2013, here's some tweets (and some slightly-longer-than-tweets) I wrote about our family over the past year. May your own year be as abundant in toddler toots.

THE HUSBAND AND ME

Setting up a nativity set.
Me: I can't find baby Jesus.
The Husband: Have you looked in your heart?

Friend: There is no "i" in team.
The Husband: But there is a great deal of meat.

Me (sick): My body's telling me that I really need to rest.
The Husband: My body's telling me that I need to go see a movie.

The Husband just walked in with a metal bar across his shoulders, swings attached to each end, and a child swinging from each swing. (not the toddlers, the older kids)

On realizing two of our friends are textbook hipsters:
Me: I wonder what we are.
The Husband: probably Affable Weirdos.

Me: I'm going to see the Little, Brown people when I'm in New York.
Husband: Yes, it is a diverse city.
#publishinghumor

I'm so lucky to have the kind of husband who I can email "what would an evil character name a pet rat?" and get 10 excellent names in return.

The Husband's name ideas for an evil rat: Scapula, Scrapple, First Lieutenant Skittery Boo, Holland Oats, Third Try, Bubonick, Marrow, and Steve

Tonight The Husband and I slow-danced, a 2yo on each of our shoulders. Appropriately, the song: "Don't Get Around Much Anymore"

Each evening I make plans to do X,Y, and Z after the kids go to bed. But by the time everyone's down, all I can manage is Zzz...

Me: It is hard, you know, when you love something and work so hard and yet some people hate it.
My dad: Tell 'em to shove it.
#advice

Just wrote about my villain, "She had such beautiful, beautiful pans." I meant "plans," but now want to have her obsessed with pans.

One of the most alarming things about being a parent is realizing our parents must have been faking it too.

One of my favorite things about young children: when we're walking, if I put my hand out, they'll hold it.

No, Mama won't stop cleaning the kitchen to hold you while you're eating a lollipop you stole from your sister's room. That would defeat the reason I pretended not to notice.

My 2yo was just sitting with her butt in the air 6 inches from my face and tooted epically loud. #preciousmoments #childrenareourfuture


THE KIDDOS

9yo yells at 6yo: "Just because I fell asleep for a second means you have to put your foot in my mouth?"

9yo to toddler: "No thanks, I'm not going to eat this chewed up meat you just spit into my hand."

There was a bowed swoop of clouds in the sky. My 9yo said, "look, it's an albino rainbow."

6yo was supposed to be getting into bed. Missing. Finally found her in the dryer. Opened the door. She said "meow"

All the toilet paper rolls in the house mysteriously disappeared. I discovered them stacked in my 6yo's room, used for bowling pins.

My 6yo: I almost didn't recognize you because you look fat in that shirt.
Me: do you mean majestic?
Her: no.

My 6yo making colored glue paintings: "The ones that are mistakes are beautifuler than the real ones!"

My 6yo just gave her plush cat a haircut so the cat would have a hairball to cough up

In my room writing. Kids out there with sitter. Little 6yo hand just pushed a ziploc bag full of water under my door. There are three dandelions inside. I think she's giving me an under-the-door version of a vase of flowers.

My 6yo screams from the other room: "Everybody in the whole wide world knows how to draw a werewolf except me!"

Today my 6-year-old held up a square of rubber and asked, “What is this?”
“A hot pad,” I said.
She scowled at it and then dropped it on the floor. She stood on it and jumped, and scowled again, unsatisfied. She held it up and inspected it, confused.
“You can put the hot pad in the kitchen,” I said, thinking she was wondering what to do with it.
“Oh,” she said, “I thought you said hop-pad.”

My toddlers are a heartwarming example of cooperation. Together, they can pull the freezer drawer open and then toss out all the contents.

2yo holds up knife and fork and slowly advances toward her dad: "Don't be scared, Papa. Don't be scared your face. I saw you soft."

Me: ok we should go
2yo: no we should didn't

My toddlers use screaming like an octopus uses ink.

Toddler friend has arrived to play with my 2yos. They're greeting her with repeated "Hi little poopy head." I'm so proud.

Me: Come here, love.
2yo: I'm not a love!
Me: I call you that because I love you.
2yo *considers*: Ok, I'm a love.

My toddler has turned flailing into a martial art.

2yo, stomping, with hands in fists: "I'm a MAD princess!"

My 2yos have begun giving each other permission to do as they please. "You don't wanna go night-night? It's okay, you don't have to."

On a walk, my 2yo: "Aw, the trees love me."

Me: Don't kick your sister.
2yo: I didn't kick her! I petted her with my feet.

Early this morning, Dinah climbed onto my bed, stuck an adhesive eyeball to my cheek, and said, "Surprise! You are going to school."
Kids invented surreal.

My 3yo started to cry.
Me: What's the matter?
3yo: I toot and it smells really stinky.

My toddler twins, standing in front of the mirror:
"That one's you and that one's me."
"No that one's me and that one's you."

This morning as I got my 3yo out of bed, she declared, "Mama, today I am going to grow bigger."

3yo: "I'm going to turn into a princess now."
Clenches fists, whole body trembles, screams as if in metamorphic pain.

3yo just announced, "Somebody peed in my pants."
Sure enough, they were wet. Who would do such a thing?!

Toddler girls in ballet costumes. Spinning, lurching, stomping. Never have they looked more like little ogres.

Leaving the room, my 3yo said, "I gotta bounce," and then she literally bounced away.

Final post from squeetus guest blogger and teacher, Kirsten Wilcox. This post Kirsten addresses common mistakes parents make while helping their kids learning to read.



Covering up the pictures:  Even if your child is on a beginning level and you feel they are just “memorizing the words” they are still reading.  DO NOT COVER UP THE PICTURES!  If they have “memorized” the words they are still benefitting from reading the book, especially if you have them point to the words as they are reading it.  Each time they look at the word and read it correctly it is working its way into their memory. 



Getting books that are above their child's reading level:  Don’t get anxious and buy harder books because you want them to grow.  This will slow their learning down rather than speed it up and will cause confidence issues.  



Continuing to read with a child when they are frustrated and angry:  When a child is angry they are unable to concentrate, focus or think.  This will only lead to more anger from both child and parent, and confirm their belief that they don’t like reading.  Try saying, “I can see that your angry right now, and need a little time to cool down.  Go get a drink and let me know when you’re feeling better about things”.  Sometimes they’ll insist they are ready even when you know they aren’t.  I usually say, “I love you too much too read with you when you’re upset.  We need to take a few minutes to calm down”.  They don’t need to go to time out, and it doesn’t need to be a consequence.  When working with my foster boy, he would sometimes throw a raging fit about it, but he quickly learned it just made things last longer.   I never talked to him about it when he was in the angry state.  I learned from their therapist that kids can’t process what you are saying when they are angry.  It is better to talk to them about things when they have calmed down and their mind can listen and think things through.  



Telling a child to sound it out whenever they come to a word they don't know: Sounding out a word is only one strategy and isn’t the answer to everything.  Many words can’t be sounded out.  I usually say, “Let’s say the sounds of the first couple of letters and see if the word ‘pops’ in our head”.  Or I just completely use the other strategies all together. 

Correcting a word immediately after the child makes a mistake:  Sometimes when reading the child will read the word wrong.  Let them continue reading to the end of the sentence to see if they can figure out that the word didn’t make sense.  If they go back and correct it on their own, praise them for it.  If they don’t go back, ask them if what they just read made sense.  



Getting frustrated when a child can't figure out a word or saying, "You just read that word!!!"  :D  This can be frustrating for us as adults, but even if a child just read a word, or it is a word you just talked about, they might need to see it and read it 500 more times before it becomes rote.  This is all part of the learning process and it’s ok.  How many things do we need to hear and do before we get something new down correctly? 



Not reading with their child on a daily basis (even when they've made it to chapter books):  I know it takes a lot of time, and is extremely difficult.  I’ve experienced this first hand, but reading with your child 20-30 minutes each day is so important especially if they’re struggling.  If it is too much time for them you can break it up into smaller pieces.  Let part of the time be talking about the pictures and the book.  Practice sight words with your child (there are many apps that help kids learn sight words you can use for part of the reading time). 

The most important thing is to have fun with it and keep it positive.  :D

THANK YOU, Kirsten! Your tips are timely for me. What are your thoughts? Any other traps you've caught yourself falling into? What's worked for you and your kids?

Continuing on with our 3-part series, welcome back squeetus guest blogger, Kirsten Wilcox, 1st grade teacher, literacy specialist, and darn fine lady. Next I asked Kirsten what parents can do with emerging readers if they're struggling with comprehension.

There are different things you can do with them.  Make sure you are reading with them when they read.  Stop after every few sentences and talk about what was read.  Here are some comprehension strategies I like:

Predict:  Have your child tell you what they think will happen next.
Retell or Summarize:  Have them tell you what they just read--do this every few sentences or paragraphs.  Don’t wait till a whole chapter has been read.
Make Connections:  Have your child tell you what the book reminds them of.  (ie. The Little Red Hen: This book reminds me of when my brother wouldn’t help me clean up our room, or when mom made us homemade bread, etc.) They can also make connections to other books (This book reminds me of Chicken Little because they both had Hens in it). 
Make a picture in their head:  Have them describe or draw what they are seeing when they read a part in the story.  This is a skill some kids have to develop. 
Questioning:  Probably the one we’re the best at.  Asking basic questions, but just because your child can answer the basic questions doesn’t mean they have good comprehension.
Inferring:  Many times kids can ask the basic questions but have trouble with inferring, where I believe true comprehension comes into play.  For example: Once I was doing a reading group with some third graders.  We were reading Stuart Little.  There is a part in the book where the cat is talking to another cat about how frustrated he is having to share his home with a mouse he isn’t allowed to eat.  Meanwhile a bird is sitting on top of a lightpost listening to their conversation.  The other cat says he will go to the home and eat the mouse for him.  That night Stuart Little finds a note saying he is in danger and needs to leave.  When I asked the students, “Who do you think left the note?”  No one could figure it out.  We ended up reading it three times before someone finally said, “It was the bird!”  A good rule of thumb is, when reading with your child, whenever your mind does something or thinks something, check to see if your child’s mind did the same thing.  You would be surprised at how much they might be missing. 
When reading any book, let your child look at the pictures and stop to talk about it.  This processing time is just as important as the time spent reading the words.

If your child is struggling with fluency: 

First of all, fluency isn't just reading fast.  I tell my first graders, it's making your reading sound like talking.  It includes reading smoothly, reading with expression, and phrasing correctly.  Fluency and comprehension go hand in hand.  Many times if a child is having trouble with fluency they are also struggling with comprehension and vice versa. 

One thing that can help with fluency is pair reading.  When you pair read with your child, read the book together at the same time matching your speed to theirs.  As your child starts to read more smoothly stop reading with them, when they start to get choppy, join in again.  I always prepare my students before doing this.  I tell them we are going to read together, but if I stop reading they should continue to read without stopping. 

I also really like the You Read To Me, I Read To You books by Mary Ann Hoberman.  They are fun to read with your child to help build fluency and the kids really like them.  I wouldn’t start this until your child is at least on an F or G reading level. 

It also helps children to hear fluent reading.  Reading to your child can be effective.  If you feel you aren’t a good reader, you can have your child listen to books on cd or audio books on the kindle or ipad.  They should listen while following along with the book. 

Reading books more than once is huge when working with fluency.  If it is a chapter book I always pick a paragraph for them to read a few times working on fluency.  Many times I try to find a paragraph with quotes, because phrasing can be tricky and imperative to comprehension.  It can also help them work on their reading expression. 

I already posted this on tumblr, so forgive the repetition.

What much of each day is like:

Plus one example of why they're worth it:

Returning to a familiar topic, I must rant once again about the lack of female characters in animated movies. The last time I blogged about this, some commenters questioned my analysis, so I'm going to get real technical here. Here are the  animated movies with major release in the US in 2011. I counted the male and female voice roles on imdb.com. I'm not looking at how male and female characters were portrayed, I'm just looking at the numbers.

Kung Fu Panda 2: male - 12, female - 3

Arthur Christmas: male - 9, female - 6

Tintin: male - 13, female - 1

Cars 2: male - 13, female - 2

Gnomeo & Juliet: male - 11, female - 3

Rango: male - 12, female - 3

Mars Needs Moms: male - 8, female - 7

Rio: male - 8, female - 7

Hoodwinked Too: male - 11, female - 4

Puss in Boots: male - 11, female - 4

Happy Feet Two: male - 11, female - 4

Let's break this down. In the animal kingdom, male to female ratio is almost exactly 1:1. However, in Hollywood animated movies, males outnumber females on average 13:4. Total characters from 2011 animated movies: male -130, females - 42. There are always more male characters in an animated movie than female. ALWAYS. I have not found a single animated movie made in the US in the past 20 years where that wasn't the case. And usually by a huge margin. (European-made movies generally don't have this problem. [EDIT: Or Japan, as some of you rightly pointed out!]) Props to Rio, Mars Needs Moms, and Arthur Christmas. Their main characters were male and the majority of characters were male, but at least they included a respectable number of speaking female characters. Tintin, really? You're going to give one female a voice in your entire movie? Cars 2? I generally love Pixar, but they are perennially disappointing in the numbers. Incredibles is the only one of their movies with even a decent ratio. (I don't even want to tally the numbers on my beloved Muppets.)

Animators, studios, writers - I am ashamed! I have daughters and a son. I would like them raised believing that girls are as worthy of being characters as boys. Girls matter. Girls do things. Girls have voices that deserve to be heard. That's not what your movies illustrate. I really hope that's not what you believe.

I'm not even asking for female main characters. I guess that's just too much to hope for in the 21st century. I'm not campaigning for strong or realistic female characters. We're not even ready for that yet. I'm just asking for ANY female characters. Some of this may be an accident. Most screenwriters are male, men naturally write more characters of their own gender. But some of this is on purpose. Some of this is studio execs believing that boy-heavy movies sell more tickets than girl-heavy. And for that, we parents are partly to blame. Do we take our girls to see "boy" movies but think our boys won't put up with "girl" movies so don't expose them to it? Do some people believe that if boys watch movies about girls that will make them weak and unmanly somehow? Ick. I hope not. I hope things change. But I'm not putting money on it.

Whenever I point this out to people, I'm most often met with a reaction of "I never noticed." Have you noticed? Does it bug you too? What can we do?

I am sitting in a cabin in Caribou, Maine and it is raining. It is raining, and my son has an ear infection. My son has an ear infection which should have been gone 24 hours ago because he is on day 4 of a 5 day anti-biotic. It is not gone. He is tired and crabby. He is tired and crabby and we are in Caribou so we can drop him off for a week of sleep-away summer camp. I do not want to drop off my baby when he is crabby and possibly still sick.

My Mama brain is of two minds. One. Go to the ER. This may be some mutant drug resistant infection. OR two. Relax and give it time. My son will probably wake up in the morning cheerful and happy and well.

Okay. So writing this made me call the ER here in Caribou where, because it is Caribou, the nurse talked to me and said, "Give it time."

This is me trying to take deep breaths while watching my child sleep, and willing him to get better so he can have loads of fun at the camp that he's been anticipating for months.

Grumble. Sniff.