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Life update: My second niece joined Planet Earth on January 10th! I was there for her arrival and it was one of the more memorable moments of my life, that's for sure! I love being an aunt and can't wait to get to know little Ellery as well as I do her big sister, Nora. They are my little loves.
Career update: Last week I wrapped up my latest illustration job and last night I came to a big decision.
After a lot of anguished discussions with Adam about my illustration career and my unhappiness with it, I've decided go on hiatus from freelancing. It's been a struggle to do work I'm not happy with just for the paycheck that comes some months later. I'm finally able to articulate that I don't want to be a children's illustrator. I want to be a children's book illustrator, which in practice is a world of difference. Ever since educational work became the only arena in which I get work, my career is not what or where I want it to be. It's completely lacking in my own ideas, my enthusiasm, my creativity, my personality, my problem solving skills, my passion. Ultimately: me.
My love for this line of work comes from a love of books and stories---not from a love of drawing or digital painting, or from quick deadlines and being told what to do. Today, my illustration career is an assembly line of detailed directions, dictated compositions, required elements down to each detail---sometimes rough sketches are even worked out for me beforehand. I find it a stifling, creativity-killing process from which I desperately want to distance myself. The problem is that I have been stuck in a cycle: I take a break from freelancing, but then want some money, so I take freelance job, but hate the work, I get bummed out, and take a break from freelancing. On and on for the last few years. And between gigs I'm left with such detest for my own work that I don't even try do work for myself in the downtime. I'm forgetting what it's like to like illustrating.
I am in a hugely fortunate position which allows me not to have to make a living at illustrating (thanks, Adam!). I get to do it because it is something I enjoy. Which is why I think it's counterintuitive to keep taking on work that I do not enjoy doing. Sure, the money is nice when it comes along but that's not good enough anymore. I want to work in the children's industry because I want to have a hand in telling stories. I don't know if I'm a writer or an illustrator (or both), or if perhaps I just really love books. I simply don't know, but I do know it is time I figured it out.
I want 2015 to be a year filled with experimentation, exploration, and hard work. I want to make work that challenges me, pushes me, and excites me.
I'm ready. I've been ready.
Now I have to prove it.
It's getting colder in Rhode Island and each day seems to pass in the blink of an eye. I've been keeping busy in my free time, spending it either reading books (currently
Bill Nye's newest), comics (
Bravest Warriors is a new fun favorite), or watching documentaries and educational programing via PBS, Netflix, Hulu, and YouTube while I work on new doodle paintings.
I have one more small craft show coming up on December 6th (
Blackstone River Theatre's Holiday Fair). It's the last show I have lined up at the moment so it seems a nice time to wrap up the doodles for a while so I can dive back into developing (and perhaps writing) my story idea.
Generally, during the cold months I tend to go into a hibernation mode, wanting very little to leave the house after sundown except for occasional trips to the movies. I've seen Interstellar [twice], and Big Hero Six---both excellent. Interstellar was just about everything I imagined and hoped it would be, namely epic and beautiful and emotionally moving and ambitious and mind bending, while at the same time different (enough) in plot from my own. There are many components of the story that overlap but thankfully there's still enough unexplored in my idea that continues to push me forward conceiving my own epic space odyssey.
I certainly haven't been able to get enough of space related stuff since I began this project a year and a half ago and I'm fairly certain the obsession won't let up any time soon. I'm also fairly confident that there's room for yet another space exploration story in the world...
Anyway, as I mentioned, I don't want to leave the house when it's cold which has a nice bi-product of increased productivity. Staying in = working longer = getting more done. I'm quite content to "work" until late each night since there isn't much else happening to distract me. This has resulted in several new doodles in progress, including this one just finished this evening.
I really do love the doodle painting process, and while it will always be part of me, I suspect I'm using it now more as a diversion from tackling the things that scare me most---and that truly matter to me and my ambitions. I don't so much miss illustrating but I miss the idea of actively pursuing a career I want. When I close my eyes and imagine my dream job, it's working in a studio writing and illustrating my own picture books. So why is it that I'm not working towards this every day?
Perhaps it's time to really consider my priorities and find a way to tend to all the branches of my creative tree---including pruning those that aren't what and where I truly want to be growing...
All in all, I am extremely grateful to be in a position where I have the luxury of contemplating what I want to be when I grow up. I just don't want to miss my chance to make something of myself.
No better day than today, no better time than now. The winter light is fading. Better get to work.
I've decided to get back to using my blog as a means to chronicle and remember noteworthy happenings since it is not likely to be used for posting illustrations anytime soon. Though I may be taking a break from that side of my life, I am still spending my days doing things that keep my imagination going. This weekend's trip to NYC was certainly an extension of that. Knee-deep in my YA sci-fi book project, I've been listening to a plethora of science podcasts of late, including my favorite, StarTalk Radio, hosted by Neil DeGrasse Tyson.
Each time Neil introduces his show, he makes mention of being the director of the Hayden Planetarium---and after listening to dozens of shows (and thus dozens of intros) my already strong inclination to visit was catalysed into action. I've loved planetariums since I was a kid, and my best friend lives in Manhattan, so BAM. Finally made it happen. Adam and I arrived in the city Saturday afternoon, and planned our trip to the American Museum of Natural History for Sunday.
Yet Saturday was not without inspiring time of its own. Even just riding the commuter rail into the city gets my brain stirring. There's something deeply moving to me about watching the dilapidated buildings pass by on the train...especially when contrasted against the periodic splash of much nicer, upscale areas. The divide between wealth and poverty is a theme making its way into my story...so even an otherwise dull train ride became a useful piece of my weekend.
Saturday was lovely outside and included some walking around Central Park before getting dinner and heading to Broadway. We had tickets to see The Cripple of Inishmaan, a revival (and first time on Broadway) of Martin McDonagh's dark comedy featuring Daniel Radcliffe. The Gamm Theatre put on The Beauty Queen of Leenane just last season and I loved it, so I was primed for another McDonagh play - especially given the chance to also see Mr. Radcliffe's return to Broadway after missing him in How to Succeed.
Our seats were up pretty high in the balcony section so while they didn't offer up close views of the actors, it was still a great view of the stage. The set was beautiful and absolutely deserving of its recent Tony nomination. From our seats, we viewed the set at an almost isometric perspective, which made me appreciate the triangular, rotating stage piece even more. The play itself was quite funny with darker moments of sadness you'd expect from Martin McDonagh. What I hadn't anticipated was the overall sweetness the play would have. It was a crowd pleaser...less controversial perhaps than some of his other plays, and I have to admit I appreciated the moments of tenderness and humor.
Theater is quickly becoming another favorite form of storytelling. It's magical and bizarre and quite wonderful to watch a story unfold live before your eyes...your imagination carried away by actors becoming their characters, sets becoming a new place you've never been to, and the smallest of lighting cues creating an entirely different atmosphere, be it inside a village shop bathed in the beautiful golden glow of morning, or a bluish moonlit night by the sea. I'm always so charmed by the mileage simple theatrics get with such minimalism.
And I know Dan Radcliffe is the money-making draw for the show, but ALL the actors were excellent and well-worth attending for in their own right (I loved the aunties in particular). A great show. I really enjoyed it.
....now on to Sunday!
I've never been to the
American Museum of Natural History before and was super impressed with the place. It's huge! We barely dipped our toes in the wealth of information there. Admittedly I was mostly there to see the planetarium show,
Dark Universe, and to check out the fossils and dinosaurs (Adam's favorite).
I LOVE PLANETARIUMS. Did I mention that already? Because I seriously LOVE planetariums. I wish I could sit in there all day long, day after day, watching every show they've made in the last few years on repeat. Because how can you not be blown away with how far our technology has come to allowing us to visualize and communicate this kind of information in such an accessible, inspiring way?!
Dark Universe succeed at precisely that. Seeing the idea of red shift/universe expansion was awesome. Visualizing dark matter was fascinating. Thanks to pieces like this and the updated
Cosmos series, my appreciation for science communicators and visualizers has multiplied exponentially.
Man, I LOVE PLANETARIUMS. Its like being on a rocket ship roller coaster ride through the universe. I can't get enough. Certainly not in only 25 minutes. But I guess that just means I'll be coming back again!
We were able to spend a bit of time breezing through other areas but truthfully we'd need to really take more time in each exhibit in order to not feel overwhelmed. Fortunately we did see the blue whale room, which was SO COOL. My husband and I had a fascination and appreciation for the dioramas that border the room. They were beautifully painted, sculpted, executed, what have you. An amazing example of many separate creative processes coming together for stunning results. I don't know who makes those things, but I'm sure glad they do.
It's funny to me...being at a museum. There's so much information inside, yet there are so many limitations to realistically appreciating and absorbing that knowledge. First of all, just walking around a place so large is exhausting. You start thinking about how much your feet hurt and less about what you're experiencing. Then before you know it you have to pee (so you waste time hunting for a bathroom). Or you get hungry so you have to stop to snack. Most of us breeze through museums without even scratching the surface. And from what I saw, if you bring kids, it's even worse. They don't have the attention span to read the information, they just want to run around, pressing buttons on exhibits or spinning the things that spin or turning the things that turn. I found myself imagining us museum visitors as aliens on planet Zorba, visiting the Museum of Zorban History...mommy and daddy aliens lugging around cumbersome strollers while kids whined about being bored. Here is an amazing place, a vast wealth of information cultivated by centuries worth of Zorban intellect and discovery. And yet there we are, modern day Zorban idiots staring thoughtlessly at the exhibits, wondering if they sell dehydrated astronaut ice cream in the museum gift shop (neapolitan, not that ice cream sandwich crap).
There are so many chances for us normal (aka not super intellectual) humans (or Zorbans) to learn new things that I find it deeply tragic how pedestrian we can be...
* * * * * * * * * *
I think the best part of this past year has been reconnecting to my own curiosity. It's not so much that I stopped being a curious person, it's just that I suffered from a fear of information overload. Let's face it: there's a lot about
everything that I don't understand. Old me tried to hide from that fact so I didn't have to think about how ignorant and stupid I am. But new me embraces the idea that there is so much out there to learn. Even if the majority of it goes well above my head, it still seems like the only quest worth taking. I've always had a deeply rooted fear and fascination with space in particular --seeing
Apollo 13, trips to air shows, and the Air & Space Museum as a kid enhanced a natural attraction to the topic. It's always been in the back of my head as a subject area. But for the last 20 years or so it hasn't had a way to come back into my life. Now age 29, I have the luxury of time and freedom to learn (at my own pace) about areas that truly get down deep and move me. Space and space exploration seem like the only things that matter in some ways... I get sad thinking that within my lifetime we may not make as much progress as I would like to see---certainly not as much as I thought we'd make when I was a child. I hope big things do happen. I hope big answers are pursued, and I hope we get some amazing returns on our investments. Even if I'm just a nobody artist/writer with no scientific background, I can appreciate what space means to me as a human being. I may never be an astronaut or a scientist or an engineer, but that doesn't mean I can't live vicariously and reap the rewards of the people who
are out there doing amazing things---and adding to the wealth of knowledge for which all humans can be grateful.
For the past two months I've been working heavily (and steadily) planning and exploring my YA/New Adult sci-fi trilogy story idea. It's still evolving of course, but so far it has already been the most fun, fascinating, and exciting creative endeavor I've ever attempted. But more importantly, it's been a catalyst for some personal change, conquering of fears, and overall general sense of enlightenment. Here's why:
1. I HAVE AN IMAGINATION AFTER ALL!
I've already learned a great deal about myself with regard to what it takes for me to unlock my imagination. I've always been afraid of not being able to think up interesting things. You know how every kid who has ever asked an author a question probably began with: "Where do you get your ideas?" Yeah, well...me too, kid.
As an illustrator I know how to generate ideas by doing research and collecting all sorts of visual references and inspiration. But until very recently I felt completely mystified by how authors come up with their ideas. Not knowing any other way but my own habits, I began applying the way I work visually to generating ideas for a written story. Research (LOTS), books on writing, lots of reading, building a photo sheet of my cast of characters, illustrating some characters, etc. I'm also creating a music playlist of songs that key me into mood/tone/atmosphere/pacing and sometimes directly inspire the action of a scene. All this thinking and immersion has lead to original ideas! Who knew?
2. CONQUERING ONE FEAR HELPS CONQUER A LOT OF FEARS
Attempting to write is currently alleviating many fears, because I am staring them in the face everyday:
- fear of thinking of ideas
- fear I am stupid
- fear that I am unimaginative
- fear that I am supposed to be an illustrator but don't want to be
- fear that my only value is in what I produce/create
- fear that I have nothing to say
- fear that I will never express myself
- fear of disappointing myself
- overwhelming fear of aliens. (Yup. Imagining a sci-fi novel about aliens is forcing me to deal with a lot of my issues.)
3. I AM ADDICTED TO CREATIVITY, AND IT NEEDS TO STOP
Three important things I need to reiterate to give this proper context:
1. I have been dealing with Lyme disease for 3 years
2. I do not eat well (I would live on bread & water)
3. I do not exercise enough
My good friend John is a personal trainer (though if I were to give him a more accurate title it would be something like "holistic health and fitness guide"). He came to his career through practice rather than formal education, and his passion for his work primarily concerns bringing awareness to how our daily behaviors (our diet & movement) play a massive role in not only our long term health but also our potential as human beings. So much of what he says inspires me and hits very close to home. It's like I'm finally in a place where what he's saying is getting through. Because I'm ready now in ways I wasn't before. (Because I happen to be writing a book about human potential.)
I've never been fit, or especially healthy, but I'm also not significantly overweight. And I've never cared enough about my looks to motivate me to the gym based on appearances alone. But I have always wanted to feel healthy and alive. This whole time I thought my biggest hurdle in improving my health and getting over Lyme disease was my reluctance to change my carb-heavy food addiction (which is partly true). But in undertaking this new huge storytelling project, I've realized that there is a much, much, larger addiction controlling me. And it probably has been for my whole life.
It's an addiction to creativity and productivity.
I put so much value on using my time for "creative" purposes that I will choose that over anything else every time. I should not have to tell my Lyme doctor that the reason I don't exercise is because I can't pull myself away from my art long enough to fit it in. Like a drug, art makes me feel good. And I do it all day, every day, for at least 12 hours. Why can't I make 30 minutes to take care of myself? And why is it that (on the rare occasion) I do go a long period of time without creating that I feel so depressed?
Because I have a dependency.
The only part of myself that I have viewed as having any value or worth is that which produces. In focusing only on the part of my being that makes me feel good about myself, I ignore and neglect the parts of myself that make me feel badly about myself (i.e. my health).
Putting creativity above all else is actually destructive to the other parts of myself.
I need to find a balance between mind and body. I can not be a complete person without tending to all parts of my well-being.
And that's what I'm learning from trying to write a book.
Who knew?
So I was painting this yesterday and it triggered some thoughts I wanted to share.
Whenever I get into a deep creative flow (usually while painting or drawing) all conscious thought fades away and is replaced by a quiet, meditative void. While in this state, my hands and brain are deeply connected, working independently from my conscious mind. As they do so, my mind is free to think about things other than what I am doing with my hands. This state of detached thought is why I love what I do. It's FLOW. Time passes without noticing. Productivity increases. My body and mind essentially remove "ME" from the equation altogether. After a particularly deep flow session, I'll come away from a drawing or painting not really remembering having done it. Of course, I was there the whole time but it was a different part of my brain that was in control and making decisions.
Recently, I've noticed that random memories from past dreams have been popping up into my mind while I'm in this creative flow. (I'm talking about images, places, and events from dreams from years and years ago that I haven't thought about since - crazy stuff that I didn't even know I remembered!).
It's believed that your brain does not distinguish dream memories from actual memories. Which is fascinating because they are obviously very different experiences. So I started to wonder: Why is creative flow triggering dream memories far more often than it is actual memories? And furthermore, why are these dream memories virtually inaccessible except while in the meditative state facilitated by creative flow?
My answer: Perhaps FLOW and DREAMS are the same process, utilize the same brain connective power, and access the same portion of the brain's hard drive.
Think about it:
- REM sleep creates dreams.
- Dreams are experiential manifestations of disparate subconscious stimuli, accessed and assembled by your brain while you sleep.
- It is suspected that dreams act as a training program for your mind, forging connections and confronting challenges/fears/etc, and creating insights you didn't know were there. They provide lessons meant to be carried into your waking life. Essentially, dreaming is a meditative state where you learn through randomly generated experiences.
- Remembering these dreams after waking creates dream memories.
- The brain stores dream memories in the brain just as it does actual memories.
- Dream memories tend to stay hidden until triggered, yet readily surface while in a state of creative flow.
- Creative flow is a subconscious state that transcends your normal thoughts and unlocks capabilities otherwise hidden. Essentially, it's a meditative state where you learn through doing.
So I suspect that creative flow is essentially the same unconscious process triggered by REM sleep. In both instances, the brain is randomly accessing subconscious thoughts and memories to forge new connections between them. It's like your brain goes into super computer mode, unlocking powers you don't have in your waking life, making you capable of things you didn't know you were.
CREATIVITY and DREAMS come from the same brain space.
Went for a 10-lap walk around the neighborhood (I think it's a little under 2 miles maybe?). On lap 8 I saw a falling star directly ahead of me. Considering all the directions I could have been walking in that moment, it must have been meant just for me. I sketched it to remember that beautiful surprises will find you if you're looking in the right places.
I think if you really believe in something, you must do as much as you can to eliminate the barriers preventing you from taking it seriously. Even if it means converting the spare bedroom closet into a quiet place to write. Which is exactly how I spent yesterday afternoon.
Lately, I've been doing a lot of reading and I find myself consistently retreating into the second bedroom to do so. It's bright, cheery, comfortable, and sparse, with a lovely big window that gets great daylight--the complete antithesis to my basement studio. I've definitely been craving the ability to work in the sun and I decided it was time to create a place where that can happen.
Little did I know that perfect place would be a closet! The idea came to me spontaneously as I was cleaning it out. It occurred on me that the small folding table already set up in the bedroom would probably fit in there rather perfectly. Turns out it does. Though, I had to fold it up and open it once it was in the closet, but it could not be a better fit. I can even close the doors and hide the whole thing if need be! (But I like to think that the doors will always be open, encouraging and inviting me to return day after day...yay symbolism.)
Once I got the desk set up, I brought in my writing books and clipped two super bright LED lights to the shelf--and VOILA! Suddenly it became a bright, clean, inspiring little set up. I found a white shadow box mirror at Target and hung it so that I can stare straight ahead into the reflection of the windows behind me. Almost as good as having a desk by the window. Then I pinned up some inspiring quotes from my favorite authors so their words can guide me through this exciting but wholly unfamiliar territory!
Today was the first day really using the space, and I must say, it was quite nice. I tacked up a couple of beautiful illustrations to inspire me as I write, along with dozens of handwritten notes with important or inspiring key words and phrases that I want to remain in the forefront of my mind as I write. Today was also Day 1 in attempting to follow "The Artist's Way." I'm hoping to use it as a way to sort out my priorities, overcome my fears and inhibitions, and open my mind to new learning experiences.
I flew through my three written "Morning Pages" and could have gone on for hours, but being that I've got 84 more days to write my heart out it's probably best to save some for the rest of 12 weeks. Writing things down is just so darn cathartic. I'm truly hoping that all this free writing will evolve into free thinking, which in turn will feed the idea generator... At the very least, it gets me into the habit of sitting in my chair with pencil in hand, letting my hand capture my thoughts! That's writing, right???
Yesterday I had a vivid, cinematic dream in which I was more viewer than participant.
It began with a montage of old sepia toned film clips-- one of which featured a lion tamer on stilts in a darkened circus ring. The tamer has his back to the lioness. He loses his balance and begins stumbling backwards towards the lion, sitting calmly on her pedestal. In a flash the lioness lashes out her paws, swiftly and effortlessly snapping the tamer's neck before he even realizes he's fallen within her grasp.
The montage stops. A new scene opens on a wide expanse of green field. I am outside, it is warm and bright under the midday sun. In the distance, I see a lion in the field. Slowly, the camera pulls out, revealing a tall chain link fence enclosing this field. The camera pans along the fence perimeter. A figure is standing on the outside of the enclosure. It is an aged (but not ancient) buddhist monk, clad in saffron robes. He is expressionless, yet somehow comforting. The camera pans to his left, and I see that directly in front of where he is standing, the chain link fence is broken in a four-foot gap of twisted metal. I gasp. Instantly I realize there is NOTHING separating the lion in the field and this solitary monk. I scream inside my head: "RUN! RUN! GET AWAY FROM THERE!" In my mind I envision the distant lion bounding towards the man. I panic. Can't he see the fence is compromised Why isn't he running away??? Yet the monk stares back at me, unconcerned.
Calmly and slowly he walks away from the fence towards some grass nearby. I'm overwhelmed with anticipation that any second that lion will emerge and there will be nothing to stop what may come. But the monk carries on, seemingly oblivious to the impending danger.
He takes out a deep blue blanket and lays it on the grass.
The final scene of the dream is in the form of an illustration, as if from a book.
White background. Birds eye view of the blue blanket and the peacefully sleeping monk. Curled up beside him is the sleeping lion (which has become a tiger). Together they are Yin and Yang.
______________________________________
I awake, the image lingering in my mind's eye.
This dream is so odd. So abstract and yet specific. I can't shake the feeling that it is trying to tell me something-- that encoded within the imagery and loose narrative is a message I need to hear.
The message I have found is this:
The monk was not unafraid. He knew the natural danger and threat presented by the lion and the faulty fence. But he also knew he could not control what may or may not happen to him. He acknowledges the existence of his fear, but behaves despite it. In so doing, he has mastered his fear and attained inner peace.
Only by accepting the existence of lions (or tigers) in our world can we find peace within it, and within ourselves.
I had to sketch this. Hoping to turn it into a polished piece.
My mind has been preoccupied with the tragic and heinous event that occurred on Monday. I've found it difficult to focus on the work at hand, and although I am getting what I need to done, my thoughts have surely been elsewhere as of late. Checking the news every 20 minutes. Or leaving it on, anxiously awaiting the moment I hear something new. Not because I think I'll ever come to understand why this happened, but because I CAN'T understand why this happened. Sometimes I live contentedly in my peaceful bubble and forget that the world can be a terrible, horrible, no good very bad place.
I lived in Boston for three years and was a spectator at the marathon twice. The Life is good office where I worked is at 863 Boylston, a hop skip and a jump from the second explosion. I walked by the finish line and 755 Boylston every week day for two years. It's impossible and overwhelming to wrap my head around something like this happening in such a familiar place. And after the relief of knowing all my friends and former coworkers were safe, came the continued disbelief that this actually happened. So many lives will never be the same. And it's not fair.
We, the helpless onlookers, join in their pain. Because we have humanity. Because we have imagination enough to fathom even just a tiny bit of that pain and become overwhelmed by the injustice of it all. Empathy is the greatest quality we have to offer the world.
I can't fix the world, but I can feel for it. And find reasons to love it despite it all. I contribute a little of my own color and my own happiness, and try to fight the dark with a glimmer of light.
This past weekend my husband Adam and I made our annual trip to Western Massachusetts to welcome the fall season. Our primary goal on the agenda was to attend Tony and Angela DiTerlizzi's book signing at
Odyssey Books in South Hadley Saturday afternoon.
Tony was there to promote his middle grade sequel
A Hero for Wondla, and Angela her new picture book
Say What? They both were extremely natural, enthusiastic, and fun (& funny!) with their pre-signing presentations and made for an enjoyable afternoon at the local indie book shop.
Angela read
Say What? aloud and gave some back story to how she comes up with her ideas (when she isn't stealing them from her adorable daughter, that is!). I found it very interesting that her foundation for this book was beginning with a question. I think that's a great prompt for creating a picture book and something I'll keep in mind as I write my own. Also worth remembering is that inspiration can strike anywhere---even from something candidly said by your child. I may not have kids of my own from which to garner inspiration--but I do have the ability to keep my eyes and ears open for little seeds that could grow into a story. Stories are all around us, you just have to be looking for them! What I found reassuring was that not every story can or should be EPIC in its subject matter. I get overwhelmed because I like fun, lighthearted stuff but get caught up and convinced that the only thing worth writing is something epic. It's much more important to just
write and have a good time enjoying the little things, too.
Tony's presentation was longer and more personal as he shared some of what he was like as a kid and how it helped shape the author and illustrator he has become. He is very conscious of understanding the things his ten year-old self liked and would like, and draws from those ideas as he creates his new material (i.e. Alice in Wonderland, Wizard of Oz, Peter Pan & Wendy). Although I'm not much like my 10 year old soccer/troll obsessed self who liked to read but didn't do much of it independent of the school curriculum, I absolutely believe in creating something your child self would love. After all, what's better than using your kid self as a barometer for interest? And as Tony said, it's an amazing thing to be able to put into the world something you wished was there but isn't. An exceptionally wonderful thing, actually.
Both Angela and Tony reminded me that the best way to connect with a group at this kind of even is through humor and personal anecdotes. They created a fun environment and in turn we all had a good time. Never underestimate the power of being silly and making people laugh! Being relatable, down to earth, and playful works wonders for kids and adults alike.
Tony was kind enough to sign lots of our books as well as a heap of Adam's Magic cards, and he drew a little something in a couple of books, which needless to say, is THE BEST.
It was truly inspiring to get to meet one of your favorite illustrators and to have them turn out to be so accessible, friendly, funny, gracious, and well....GREAT. Its just wonderful to see nice, insanely talented, hard-working people succeed and still be so nice to us adoring fans. Worthy role models, for sure.
I can't quite believe it's already the third week of June! I'm loving the long daylight and the fact that the local drive-in theatre is now open every night---a sure sign of summer and that school is officially out! Even though it's been forever since I had a summer vacation as a student, the thrill of remembering that beautiful feeling of unlimited potential at the start of every break will never fail to make me love my childhood all over again. As an adult, I'm trying to recapture that same exhilaration. I may not be a kid on vacation, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy all that summer has to offer (ice cream! daylight! frozen lemonade! reading time! the great outdoors! adventures! time to do whatever I want!) and find ways to harness that same feeling of tremendous potential in my creative life. Maybe this will finally be the summer I do everything I want to do--maybe I'll even finally start writing something again...
Having wrapped up my most recent illustration project at the beginning of the month, I've been pretty good at keeping busy during my abundance of free time. Between doodling, visiting with my sister and the new baby, working on various website updates, and assisting with a few extra-curricular design projects, I find myself going to bed each night wishing for longer days because I'm feeling so good about life that I don't want to go to sleep! I think this might be the happiest I've been in a while. Undoubtedly one of the key factors I've discovered is having things to look forward to. Whether it's on a per-hour basis (i.e. I want to read this afternoon)"or on a per-day basis (i.e, "today I want to make a doodle") or on a long-term basis (i.e."I'm going to do two more craft shows in the Fall"), setting attainable goals is essential in feeling hopeful and happy about life.
Working at the theatre Mondays & Tuesdays is great exercise for my design muscles, and I can feel it benefitting my personal design work at home. Doodling and maintaining the professional side of my little business feels great, too. And illustrating here and there as projects come along is what I've always wanted.
Having so many outlets is really keeping me engaged and stimulated. It keeps the guilty feelings of non-productivity away which FEELS AWESOME.
Also--I started my nightly walks around the neighborhood (I go for 1 or 2 miles, starting at 11:30pm---the best time to walk!) and hope to get one in every night of the summer, weather depending. I find them extremely relaxing---usually I'm listening to a Harry Potter video game soundtrack which gets my imagination going. Last night I even had some ideas for how I may be able to actually make something out of my all-but completely discarded and forgotten picture book manuscript I wrote while at RISD. Mental think time = extremely important!
I don't know quite what the summer has in store, but I sure hope it's continued productivity.
Here I was, jumping to conclusions thinking I was done---and then Scholastic requested two more portraits. I went ahead and threw together Mr. Thomas Edison and Mr. Jackie Robinson. I'm glad they added these great American figures and I was happy to end the project on a good note once and for all.
In other news, this break from illustration work is as well-timed as I could have ever hoped. Yesterday my husband officially took a new job at 38 Studios, which means we will be moving from our cozy little Somerville apartment to an as yet undiscovered new home outside of Providence, RI.
Although moving amidst all this other health stuff may get a bit overwhelming, I couldn't be happier. This is our chance to move closer to our families and settle down in a place where we can someday start our own. Plus, I kind of love packing and the idea of moving to a new space is pretty exciting to me.
The next couple months are bound to be interesting!
That's a wrap! I finished up the last two remaining portraits and have officially cleared the deck of any paid work for the time being.
Tomorrow begins Day 1 of my professional hiatus from my illustration work. I'm taking a leave of absence from my paying gigs but that doesn't mean I'll be away from my studio. Although I plan to spend the first few days catching up on some reading, I am looking forward to utilizing my time creatively to the fullest extent that my current health will allow.
As mentally and physically challenging as the constant body pain has been over the last half year, it's also giving me clarity and greater sense of purpose. Life can change quickly, unexpectedly, and with no real rhyme or reason. Now more than ever before, I see how precious and valuable my own time and life truly are. I think that if I can get through whatever the coming months have in store for me, I will inevitably be stronger and better for it. Maybe if I choose to see all this as a good thing, it will actually become a good thing. To me there can be no better time to FINALLY let go and make art that I want to make.
At the very least, I know crying and whining and wishing things were different has absolutely no effect on the outcome. Giving in to the negative thoughts and energies swirling around my own mind can not be allowed. When things get rough, the only thing that does anyone any good is simply doing good. Thinking positively seems to be the most logical thing to do right now. I'm hoping for the best because a positive mind is my best chance for making everyday a little easier to handle.
Deep breaths.
Here goes
everything.
It sure has been an interesting couple of weeks. After months of constant back pain, and sporadic hip, groin, knee, and neck pain, my symptoms took a turn for the less-than-ideal. Congestion, headache, head pressure, extreme fatigue, muscle twitching, loss of concentration and fogginess in my short term memory all decided to join me on my journey to Diagnosis Alley.
So, duh duh duh: While it still has not been officially proven one way or another, I'm starting long-term antibiotic treatment for Lyme Disease since all my symptoms appear to correspond. Whether it's Lyme or not, something definitely is not normal with my body and hopefully I can be evaluated further and get to the bottom of it all before too long...
Oh, and just to keep things fun, I've also acquired extreme elbow pain in my right arm, making it very difficult to do much of anything (least of all illustration work). So I'm doing what I can to power through the last of the Scholastic portraits but have begrudgingly pulled myself out of the second half of the project. It's simply too risky to commit to work I may not be able to deliver in the coming weeks.
With a little luck, lots of optimism, and a strong dose of doxycycline, I should see some improvement in the next few days. That is, if it actually IS Lyme disease...and if not, who knows!
Whatever happens, I'm going to try to make the best out of this health dilemma. I'm sure there are many lessons to be learned from enduring whatever the next few months have in store for me. I may not be in control over what is happening, but at least I can control how I deal with it all, right?
Think good thoughts, Courtney...
P.S. Did you know I live my life based on the wisdom and guidance of fortune cookies? Well, I do. Many of my most important life decisions were directly impacted by the timely receipt of a particularly compelling cookie message. The trick is that I ask it a relevant question, and it gives me an insightful response. This is the fortune I received when I asked the following:
How am I going to get through this overwhelming period of pain and uncertain health?Not bad, not bad at all. :)
Anyhooo.
I did actually manage to work for a few hours today which felt good. Here are a couple more portraits with just two more to go.
Now I'm off to read and relax for the evening!
This Saturday, at approximately 7:23pm, a dream of mine was officially, irrevocably, and absolutely shattered:
I discovered that that book I wrote already exists.
But my story doesn't start here. It starts in November of 2005.
I was a senior at The Rhode Island School of Design working on my final project in my children's book writing course. The task was to take four weeks to write an original story, layout the book dummy, and illustrate one or two final spreads from the story, all of which culminated in a final presentation to a panel of special guests from the publishing industry (our teacher was a children's agent from Boston so she used her connections to wrangle in a few notable people). It was an extremely important event in my life at that time, especially as former students had gotten book deals resulting from this particular class. A true optimist, I hoped with all my heart that my own book might make be selected and eventually published.
Having only about one month from start to finish, and many other classes to contend with, my manuscript was certainly no polished masterpiece. But for what it was, it was very special to me and very well received by my classmates and the panel of publishing insiders. I was given extremely encouraging feedback from the final critique and I left ELATED that my book had potential and that one day, after graduating, maybe I could really develop it into something worthy of the bookshelf.
Since then, I have picked up my manuscript from time to time and made some tweaks, but I always felt it could be better. I figured that when the time was right I would really take it seriously and do something with it. I was very confident that somehow, somewhere, sometime, it could realistically be published. I believed in it just enough to imagine that reality, but not enough to dedicate myself to it over the past 5 years.
Flash to May of 2009.
Reluctantly, I decided it was time to dust off my manuscript and take advantage of the fact that my contract with Abrams for Ballots For Belva REQUIRED me to submit any future manuscripts I might write to them before I could shop them around to other publishers. In an industry rife with anti-unsolicited submissions policies, it was too good an invitation NOT to at least try and get some feedback. So I sent it to my editor there and eagerly awaited a response. Something. Anything that might validate its potential. I didn't care if they published it, I just needed to know I wasn't crazy for thinking it was good. (Which I rarely feel towards my own work anyway).
0 Comments on Book Doppelgangers: The Horrifying Discovery That Your Book Already Exists as of 1/1/1900
Needless to say, life doesn't always go as planned. When I left my day job in June, I never could have foreseen that physical pain my body would be experiencing just eight months later. It's not getting any better, and may even be getting worse. But I refuse to give up. And although I have my bad days, overall I'm trying to stay positive and not let it affect my everyday life as much as it could.
I don't want to dwell on it, but rather acknowledge that it may even be a welcome challenge. I mean, come on. If I didn't have this back pain to contend with, life would be way too easy and I would feel super guilty about how perfect things are. Sounds crazy, but it's true.
In fact, all this may even be meant to help me focus more on my career. It makes sitting at my computer all day excruciating, BUT it also makes me realize that I need to be WAY pickier about how I spend my time everyday. I am beyond fortunate (right now) that I DO NOT rely on my job for a steady income, nor are our bills or rent dependent on how much I make with my illustration work. I imagine that this will change someday, but for the time being I should feel super lucky that I do not HAVE to take on projects if I don't WANT to.
That being said, why in the heck am I taking on projects that I do not want to do??
I AM A FREELANCER. I work for myself. No one depends on me. So why don't I feel like I have the freedom to pass up work?
Is it greed?
Gosh, with the low-paying jobs I've done recently it surely can't be that.
Nor do they offer challenging benefits to my career experience. Most of the educational work lately has been more like a math problem with so many constraints that only one answer is the right answer and anyone can figure it out, if they work at it long enough.
It's unbelievably frustrating to find yourself doing things you don't want to do when YOU are the person who put yourself in that situation to begin with.
So why do I do this to myself? I'm not supposed to owe anyone except myself right now. Why do I keep forgetting this?
Wouldn't my time be better spent working on my own projects, and moving my portfolio forward in the direction of the kind of artist I WANT to be? Heck, my time would better be spent reading than it would be working on some of the lame crap I've done lately.
I know why I've said yes to this work, and bottom line it's because I felt like I couldn't say no. Like it would look bad to my agent. Like I needed to prove to myself that I can do these meaningless jobs and make a quick buck.
But the bottom line is that I am not built with a switch that allows me to care less about one job over another. If I take on a crappy job, I'm going to work just as hard on it as I would an awesome job. No matter how long it takes me, no matter how stressed it makes me.
So if I can't change my work ethic, than perhaps I need to protect myself from my own proclivity for perfection. And that means that it's going to have to be ok for me to say NO to something that doesn't deserve my attention.
If someone else can do it, than get someone else to do it. Time is too precious. Don't waste it on art you don't want to make.
Hi all--Happy December! I can't believe how fast November went. Time flies when you're loving life!
I'm finally getting back in the swing of the famous Americans project I'm working on. Below should be the last of the pencil portraits. Once they get some color treatment I'll be moving on to the second portion of the project which will feature each historical figure in a respective illustrated scene from their life.
In the mean time, I'm still plugging away at the Red Riding Hood book and am trying to stay on schedule so I can get the finals done in 5 weeks time. The cover is still in progress but here is a sneak peak:
While I work on that, I'm also continuing to work on the three little pigs cover I started a few months ago which is due in January.
So big YAY for even having multiple projects to balance--I'm really truly thankful to have some work to keep me going through the start of winter. :)
* * * * *
In other news, life working at a desk all day has been taking a bit of a toll on me the last few months (way to go Courtney and your terrible posture!!) What began as lower back pain in August has since evolved into mid and upper back, neck, and most recently, tremendous hip pain. It has been debilitating at times, making it difficult to stand up straight, walk any decent length, and even get a decent night's sleep. Going to the chiropractor hasn't done much yet---but I'm working on it. I've even gone so far as to purchase a brand new ($4,000!?!?!?!) Tempur-Pedic mattress in hopes that the extra back support will alleviate the symptoms over time. Thankfully the anti-inflammatory medicine is working some magic right now or I wouldn't be typing any of this.
The point of me mentioning this is not to share my personal problems with you all, but to bring awareness to the harmful effects of non-ergonomic sitting/work habits and the importance of practicing good posture, especially for artists who, like me, either sit at a drafting table or computer all day. I'm only 26 but everything is catching up with me now. I'm wishing I could go back to the days when I felt no pain at all, and I'm kicking myself for not appreciating how good I had it then. Life can change so quickly...but I'm staying positive, taking responsibility, and hoping for the best.
"I do not believe in a fate that falls on men however they act; but I do believe in a fate that falls on them unless they act." -Buddha
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Hey Courtney, I thought I should leave a comment while reading this post. It's nothing great but I want to thank you for putting journal entries like this up. It's amazing how you relate your whole life to "a single project", but it makes so much sense to me! I like seeing everything in context and it encourages me to link different things in life together, even if they seem unrelated. Also thanks for being open about yourself, your strengths and weaknesses. Keep up the great work :-) Lisa
Thank you for the comment, Lisa. I very much appreciate it. :)
And it gives me a really nice feeling that when I write a post like this for myself, it can sometimes make unexpected connections with others. Life is life. And we're all in it together!
-Courtney