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I have to say(or do I mean hate to say?)that I loved every single entry in the terrible query letter contest. All of them made me laugh, and all of them were horribly awful.

However, there was one that stood above the others. This one truly surpassed everyone else in awfulness for one simple brilliantly terrible reason: part of it was written in rhyming verse.

Genius!

So, congratulations to Dee Ranged (or whatever your real name is) for creating a truly terrible letter. I've copied it so everyone else can also appreciate the wretchedness. On Thursday, I'll dissect all of the things (besides the rhyme) that is wrong with this letter.

Deer Mr., Mrs., Ms., or Whatever M. Smoot:

I bought the bright green sticker on the outside of the envelope on eBay so I don’t really know what gender you are since I didn’t actually attend the conference at witch you spoke. Sorry. I paid good money for the “M. Smoot” sticker to gain access to your closed publishing house, so I hope you appreciate it. I’m sure you did a wonderful, stupendous, fantastic job at the conference and gave a fabulous, mesmerizing, interesting speech. Thanks for being such a helpful, kind, grate editor.

Anyway, enough about you. Now for my soon-to-be best seller... you’re gonna love it! Since it has an elephant AND a donkey in it, it will surpass sales of "Horton Hears a Who" and "Winnie the Pooh" (with Eeyore) combined. I know it will be made into a poplar movie and will be translated into many languages. That’s why I want to keep all foreign rites. I also want fool plush animal sales.

My book is called THE ELEPHANT AND THE DONKEY and it is completely in rhyme. Since it is about animals, I tested it out on my cat and dog and they absolutely loved it! They showed their appreciation by marking the corners of this manuscript. You’ll probably be able to tell (or smell) witch corner is witch.

I didn’t read my story to any pre-schools because I didn’t want the teachers to still the idea, but I know kids will love it!!!

Hear is more about it...

My 20,000-word picture book
For ages two to four,
Covers many topics
Other children’s books ignore.

Taxes, stocks, and politics
Are introduced in rhyme.
The story is sure to be a hit
At every child’s bedtime.

You’ll want to publish this right away.
It’s going to be a best seller,
More popular than "The Cat in the Hat,"
Or that tearjerker, "Old Yeller."

The conflict is that an elephant
And donkey can’t agree.
They fight over just about everything,
Including cups of tea.

Will they ever learn to get along?
Can these protagonists save the world?
I’m writing a 1000-page sequel,
Where the answers will be unfurled.

Believe me, this book will fly off the shelves and beat the ebook download record, so you’ll want to publish this by November so we can both become rich quick. That’s only about a month away, but if you overnight the contract to me, I’ll sign it write away and the illustrator can start immediately. Oh, I really like the work of Tomie dePaola. I hope you can get him for this book. Do you have that kind of pool?

I know you only wanted a query and ten pages, but I am so confident you’ll like my work that I scent the hole book. I am offering this as an exclusive transmission for one week, but after that I’ll really need to move on if I haven’t herd from you. I want to enjoy my millionaire status before the world ends or before the next election - whichever comes first. Who knows what the tax rate will be after that!

I should tell you that I’ve already been published in my third grade newspaper, so I’ll want the “royal treatment” when it comes to royalties. We can go over all that when I meat you in person. Yule love how punny I am.

Sincerely,
Dee Ranged

P.S. - I hope you like the re

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I am obviously a teen at heart. (Maybe in my maturity level too.)

Somehow I always fall in love the CW or Fox shows.

Why?

Good question: I will tell you my top 5 reasons (besides #1 these are in no particular order :):

1. Paul Wesley and Ian Somerhalder - Honestly do I have to say any more? All I can say is "Yes please!" OK so who cares if they are dead, who cares if they have fangs, and who cares if they have anger management issues - I say "the more to love them with". (Oh wait, all that stuff is pretend, right?)

2. Vampire Diaries - This shows takes a good bite out of my Thursday nights and I love it! Obviously, a natural follow-up to #1. The show is awesome and follows the amazing books of LJ Smith )who BTW was wayyyyyyy before Stephanie Meyer. Like in the 90s before. This shows manages to get me to have 2 heart stops, 2 jumps, and 1 squeal - in each episode! Yes the jumping out of the trees and popping up in mirrors is probably predictable - but hey call me slow.

3. Glee - This show makes me happy! Why? because I see my life as a musical anyway - really! (check out the post I did on my life's soundtrack). Every time Lea Michele (AKA Rachel) sings - chills run down my spin and goose bumps form on my arms. The inappropriateness of the Principal, Coach Sue, and others crack me up. Yes I love inappropriate humor (as long as it is not about me!:) Mr Shu is a cutie pie, the music rocks, but most of all, Jane Lynch (Coach Sue) is hilarious.

Jane - you had me at Best in Show!!!



4. Dollhouse - All I can say is Echo is a bada$$! I love her guts and the concept is so cool. I mean - a illegal and underground group of people who have their personalities wiped clean so they can get any new personas. Plus they all have eternal amnesia - what a world! How cool is that! Wish I'd thought of it! Oh yeah, and Joss Whelon (who wrote Buffy) - can't wait to see your episode on Glee!!! Maybe Coach Sue and Mr Shu can have a rocking fight scene.



5. CW and Fox Reality shows - Give me Top model, Runway, American Idol, or So You Think You Can Dance any day. I love seeing regular people make it. OK OK so maybe it's staged, but I'll take a fake "making it" over no "making it" any day. Makes me think everyone has a shot in this business if you keep pushing for it.

It gives me hope and I love the see the underdog win. Only if they are talented in some way though. Lets be real - some schmuck who stinks doesn't give me hope.


PS maybe tomorrow I will list my next 5! Yes, that's right, the teen list goes on. Maybe Ill even start a feature called Teen Tuesday where I will list another teen thing I love.

http://feeds.feedburner.com/Faeriality?alt=rss

The newest issue of the Annual Children's Writer's & Illustrator's Market is now available. If your bookstore does not have it you can find it on Amazon.com.

Ho ho ho! It's My Last Post of the Year...

After today, my only day in the (weirdly quiet) office this week, I'll be off work through January 5th, so this is my last post of the year. I considered giving a recent news roundup, but that's not very, um, festive. I toyed around with a "12 Days of Christmas" parody, but I'm too sleepy to get any further than "11 good rejections."

So I will simply end another year of blogging by thanking everyone who visits this space. Whether you follow, stop in daily, or zip by once in a while, I really appreciate it and I hope, at least occasionally, you find something useful or interesting. This has been my best year of blogging, with more readers, more followers and more posts than ever.

Thanks also to all who participated in my blog this year--all the Debuts Authors of the Month, Bloggers of the Week, and editors and agents who answered questions for me.

And, finally, thanks to everyone who uses CWIM. It's a joy to produce my book year after year and I intend to keep doing it as long as long as it's fun. (I'm now working on my 17th edition, so it's going pretty well so far.)

I wish you all good cheer (and rum cake)!

Fun with Acronyms: Meet the other CWIMs...

Every day I get several Google alerts. Of course I have one set up for my name. (Who doesn't?) I also get one for CWIM, which mostly includes references to my book. But not always--and I've been keeping track of them. (And I might have also done some googling for non-my-book CWIMs when I was bored.) I will now share my list (with descriptions mostly using made up words):

• Covenant Warriors International Ministries (religiousy)
  
• Command Work Information Management (techie)
  
• Cetera Work Information Manager (also techie)
  
• Christian Women in Management (religousy + businessy)
  
• Colorado Women in Music (musicy)
  
• Chris Woollam Icon Magazine (newsy)
  
• Color Wheel Index Mark (printery)
  
• Corwyn's World Instant Messaging (chatty)
  
• Convergent Work Integration Manager (businessy)
  
• China Water Institution Management (environmenty)
  
• Climbing Works International Masters (outdoorsy)
  
• Cat Who Isn't Mine (cat sittery)
  

Alice Pope, editor of CWIM, is looking for debut authors of children's books to feature in the 2010 CWIM. Click here for the details on her blog. Get those emails rolling, people--the deadline is August 8th!

I was once the classic, clueless newbie writer. I thought it would be easy to write stories for kids. I bought a Children’s Writer's and Illustrator’s Market and I sent picture book manuscripts out by the handful. I thought I’d be published in a matter of weeks.

And then the rejections started coming.

I regrouped. I read every book on craft I could find. Every book on marketing. I attended conferences.

And it was all valuable information, but it was also a distraction. I did everything I could to progress in the business except one thing: I didn’t write much.

Don’t ask me why. It’s kinda stupid. And the thing is, I like to write. So why did I resist?

I think maybe I thought I was better than I really was. I didn’t realize how much you learn about writing by -- writing.

I still have to force myself to write most days. But I’ve finally figured out the secret.

It only took me 10 years.  :)

They're the original Blue Man Group ... It's the 50th birthday of the Smurfs! When I was a kid, I drew lots and lots of Smurfs. I drew a Smurf on my fellow classmates' pocket folders ... either a Smurf or Garfield. I think I can still draw them from memory today. Most kids remember having G.I. Joe's, Barbies, Star Wars figures, I remember having lots and lots of Smurf paraphernalia. My

Adventures in Burrwood Forest
by John Lechner
Candlewick 2007

We are not amused.

This comic masquerading as a graphic novel for the emerging reader set has nothing going for it. There's no real character development attempted, no plot to speak of, and in the end has too many similarities with Smurfs for my comfort. Seriously, a land of burrs living in the forest with one token girl burr and an old papa burr. True, there is no Gargamel character, but that wouldn't have made this better.

The oddest thing is that Lechner clearly has skills as an artist, because his backgrounds are wonderful, but the main characters are little more than jagged circles, a tiny doodle any kid could have created. The comic originated online apparently and Lechner's personal connection with illustrator Peter Reynolds may hold the key as to how this landed in Candlewick's lap.

Why is this in hardcover?

Why is this at all?