How to use this Page

1.  Arrive at the airport ridiculously late and then insist on jumping every queue because your plane is about to leave.  Even better, get a luggage trolley and use it as a battering ram.

2.  Wait until you get to the very front of the queue at the check-in desk and then suddenly remember half a dozen banned items in your carry-on luggage.  Open all your cases and begin re-packing procedures, making sure to spill most of your belongings all over the floor.

3.  Get one of those carry on cases with an extra long extendable handle and be sure to hold it behind you at arm’s length where you can be certain of tripping up the most people.  This is especially effective in the shopping area.

4.  Fill your arms with as many miscellaneous items as you can carry at the duty free shop.  When you get to the cash register spend ages fiddling in your purse/wallet until a major queue has built up and then ask if you can pay in a really obscure currency.  When you receive a negative answer from the cashier, simply say, “Oh, never mind then,” leave all the items on the counter and walk away dragging your over-sized carry-on bag precariously on its 8 foot handle.

5.  On the way to security, stop at Starbucks and order a bucket of whatever coffee suits your fancy.  Then try to take it through security.  When you are refused entry, insist on standing there holding up the queue until you have drunk the entire thing.  After all, you paid for it!

6.  Alternatively, stuff your carry-on bag with as many jumbo-sized bottles of shower gel and shampoo as you can carry.  When security stop you and refuse to let the items on the plane, offer to go to the bathroom and empty some from each bottle down the toilet until they all only have 100ml.  This should get everyone laughing along!

7.  Bring along a mobile phone, ipod with leaky earbuds, hand-held games console and any other potentially noisy electrical gadget you can find in your house.  Then go to the part of the airport where all the frazzled long-haul transfer passengers are trying to get a couple of hours sleep and turn them all on.  If you can listen to a humourous audio book on your headphones and occasionally laugh out loud, not only will it annoy people, it will also make them a little afraid of you, thus ensuring you those coveted empty seats to put all your bags on.

8.  Head purposefully towards every travelator and walk onto them with speed.  Then immediately stand stock still and put your bags down so that nobody can get past you.  At the end of the travelator it is imperative to dither while stepping off the walkway and then immediately stop to extend the handle on your bag, causing a pile up of disgruntled travellers behind you.  Then walk off, oblivious to the carnage.

9.  About ten minutes before your plane is due to board, randomly stand somewhere close to the embarkation point.  This will cause other nervous and sheep-like passengers to stand behind you forming a pointless queue when in reality they could all have stayed in their seats until the flight was actually called.

10.  When boarding the aircraft, make sure to take your time putting things in the overhead lockers while everybody else waits behind you in the tiny aisle.  If possible, change seats at least twice, moving all your belongings each time, and be sure to smash your enormous hard-edged carry-on case into somebody’s laptop bag in order to make it fit into the compartment, thus damaging their screen.  They won’t realise what’s happened until they get to their destination and by that time you’ll be long gone.

The sad thing is that most of these suggestions are drawn from things I’ve really seen at various airports around the world!  Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments below.

Or for some more gentle humour, try these articles by the same author:

Fans Who Love Their Team Too Much

Famous for all the Wrong Reasons