“I am M. Yes, just “M,” you don’t need to know what it stands for. You will never have a reason to get that close to me. I’m one of those girls you probably wouldn’t trust to babysit your offspring. One of those girls who sometimes doesn’t trust herself.”
The chill from the tiles of the bathroom floor bleeds through my wet jeans as my hair drips into my journal. Standing fully clothed under a cold shower when you are pissed off is nothing less than stunning. It breaks the inherent rules of the shower. I don’t mind breaking rules. It’s what I do best.
I think I burst the blood vessels in my eyes just moments ago when I screamed at my stupid, useless therapist in my least favorite room at BCH; The Therapeutic Services Center. I had to get out of there. I couldn’t even breathe let alone verbally dive into the twisted and painful web of the last fifteen years of my life; with an audience, nonetheless. Group therapy is nothing more than spilling your barren heart to a bunch of people who will use your story to make their own sad lives look a little brighter. Well, my sad life could make the chick from ‘Mommy Dearest’ look like she deserves a Mother of the Year nomination. So, talking about it makes my tongue burn.
Here I sit, shivering, cold and tortured on a Monday afternoon. I sometimes don’t even know who I am.
The chill from the tiles of the bathroom floor bleeds through my wet jeans as my hair drips into my journal. Standing fully clothed under a cold shower when you are pissed off is nothing less than stunning. It breaks the inherent rules of the shower. I don’t mind breaking rules. It’s what I do best.
I think I burst the blood vessels in my eyes just moments ago when I screamed at my stupid, useless therapist in my least favorite room at BCH; The Therapeutic Services Center. I had to get out of there. I couldn’t even breathe let alone verbally dive into the twisted and painful web of the last fifteen years of my life; with an audience, nonetheless. Group therapy is nothing more than spilling your barren heart to a bunch of people who will use your story to make their own sad lives look a little brighter. Well, my sad life could make the chick from ‘Mommy Dearest’ look like she deserves a Mother of the Year nomination. So, talking about it makes my tongue burn.
Here I sit, shivering, cold and tortured on a Monday afternoon. I sometimes don’t even know who I am.
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This is the first 248 words of my YA edgy novel about a goth girl lost in her own mind. It's way more in your face than the picture book text I usually write but I channelled a combination of students I have taught over the years and I am in love with this book. It is a tough story but one that needs to be told.
I entered this manuscript in a contest on Brenda Drake's contest.
Feel free to leave your comments.
Peace out, Mamas!
4 Comments on My manuscript is in a contest..., last added: 3/23/2011
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This: “I am M. Yes, just “M,” you don’t need to know what it stands for. You will never have a reason to get that close to me. I’m one of those girls you probably wouldn’t trust to babysit your offspring. One of those girls who sometimes doesn’t trust herself.”
is BRILLIANT. Nicely done!!
This is great, Michelle! Howeve, I think you should reconsider your first paragraphs. I've been seeing on quite a few agent blogs lately that they don't like opening where you introduce yourself. Don't just blurt out information about M., show us instead of telling. Have someone ask her what her real name is and have her give them a snarky response. Show us an argument in which someone tells her she would never be bebysitter material and she shrugs like she couldn't care less. Have people cross the street or look away when they see her.
I think you should just start with the second paragraph, and let the info on the first one show itslef throughout the opening chapters.
But she certainly has voice! I think you have something great in the cooks here!
Agree with the above comment about introductions, because its really about showing what sort of protagonist you have. Since she is a Goth and part of a subculture, she is an outsider and an outsider is defined by what she is outside of.
She is engaging and likable, which is great for YA.
Hi Michelle - Love the MC voice!
The intro in the first paragraph seems to contrived. I'd recommend, as the others said, showing us more about her. The description of standing in the shower was excellent. I felt the cold. =D