Do you ever feel that what you’re chasing, what you desire, is just out of reach? When you think of your desire for your future, and your intentions for yourself, whatever you are working towards, do you ever ask yourself whether you fully expect it to be fulfilled; do you really believe it can happen? Do you believe you are actually ‘good enough’ or that you deserve it - or maybe not quite?
Try to imagine having achieved your desired state. Is it easy? Does it feel natural and right? Or is it difficult? Your deeply held beliefs or the emotional expectations you have may not be the same as your desires and intentions. If there is a gap between your desired goal or intention and your expectation of actually achieving it, this will influence your actions both consciously and subconsciously, because the choices you make and the steps you take will always be driven by your emotions and emotional expectations. The greater the gap, the more your actions will interfere with you achieving your desired intention.
Author and teacher Deepak Chopra says; ‘Within every desire and intention are the mechanics for its fulfilment’. I have seen countless indications of this being true, but I have also learned that it requires the alignment of emotional expectations with the desired intention, and the first step is being able to feel the feeling of the desired intention – fulfilled.
It may seem counterintuitive, but if you can actually generate that feeling, in your body, as if your wish was already fulfilled, you will find that expectation gap gradually decreasing. The more you generate this new 'fulfilled' feeling, eventually integrating it so that it is with you throughout your day, the smaller the gap will become. In essence you are moving from feeling and thinking about the desired result to feeling and thinking from it.
To explore this idea (and how to use the power of managing emotions) further, or for more information, contact us!
It is said that money makes the world go round. I beg to differ. In my observation emotions make the world go round. Human emotions drive everything – from anger or fear-driven acts and the worst hatred induced atrocities, to deeds of unbelievable courage or compassion, and the most divine acts of love. All human behaviour is driven by emotion.
The word EMOTION comes from the Latin e-movere, meaning to move out or through, as in propelling movement, a force set in motion. The originators of the word must have been acutely aware of the dynamic, stirring energy created by human feelings, energy moving through body and brain, constantly shifting, shaping our thoughts, our actions, and our lives. Much like dance moves and dancers shape a ballet or dance piece, although that might seem a lot more orderly and graceful than our emotion-driven behaviour. Or is that necessarily so?
A dance piece or ballet can look organized and seemingly effortless because it is choreographed. But can we really choreograph emotions? Can we choose what we feel and manage our emotions so we are in control of how they move through us, and how they come across to others?Some may argue that this is impossible because emotions are often triggered without our conscious knowledge. However, my experience has been that it is not only possible, but hugely beneficial (and there are plenty of studies supporting this.)
So how do we choose our emotions?
We begin by noticing – paying close attention to what we are feeling and where in our body that feeling registers. The more we take our attention out of our busy minds and connect with our bodies, the more we are likely to notice physical tension from emotions, tensions registered there because our emotions live in our bodies. Such increased awareness gives us early warning signs of unhelpful emotions, which in turn allows for much easier self-management – we can assess whether the indications of a potentially strong emotion are appropriate to the situation, and if not, whether we need to take steps to change how we feel and adopt another perspective. For example, we may feel irritated by several small events in the morning, but with our renewed awareness of the resulting say neck tension, we can take some deep breaths or otherwise release that tension and regain a more balanced perspective, rather than blowing our top in the evening having allowed it to build throughout the day until it has become full blown fury.
This is the beginning of what I refer to as emotion choreography. And like a full-length ballet or dance performance, there are numerous steps that contribute to the mastery of emotional management – and all are extraordinarily satisfying to master, including and especially the interactive ones, for as a species, we are also driven to connect with each other, at a very basic level. We actually have a specific brain circuitry that directs our response to one another’s bodies in motion! Imagine for a moment watching a trapeze artist flying through the air; don’t we all feel the soaring sensation as well as the excitement? When we see a physical fight, don’t we wince at the blows? When we feel someone’s emotional pain, it’s not merely the expression on their face we mirror, but their bodily posture, and the emotional tension they emit. This empathic capacity is something most of us could, if we are honest, manage better. We can actually learn to ‘choreograph’ our emotional responses so we allow less of our own judgment and opinions to interfere with our empathy, with our ability to truly step into someone else’s shoes, making us better able to offer the support that’s actually needed (rather than being driven by our own agenda).
The most powerful of all the steps of the choreography of emotions is the feel-good factor; when we enhance and strengthen our ‘emotional capital’ by fully embracing our positive feelings; the exuberance of sudden inspiration or the peace of a quiet walk, the pleasure we feel when we watch a dancer or athlete move gracefully or our wonder at seeing beauty in nature, the delight of witnessing a child’s first steps, or the feeling of happiness in a loving interaction. If we give ourselves permission to fully relish those pleasurable feelings, savouring them for that little bit longer, enjoying them with our entire body, we strengthen the ‘muscles’ that ultimately give us more of a choice about what we feel, taking crucial steps towards being in charge of our emotional dance, to create ‘choreography’ we will, most likely, review favourably.
A popular saying in the 60’s, ‘Becoming is better than being’ expressed the idea that growth was more desirable than a permanent state. It is a notion whose time has come again – this time around not so much as an ideology but as a result of research - research that I for one, am thrilled to read.
As a young (and very average) student ballet dancer ‘back in the day’, I was fleetingly encouraged by a claim that to be successful required only two percent talent and ninety-eight percent hard work. Unfortunately, my hard work seemed to go unnoticed and I felt increasingly discouraged and timid, gradually withdrawing from situations where my lack of self-confidence might be reinforced. The success I sought eluded me until I finally applied the hard work to the areas in which I was perceived to have ‘talent’. Two different careers later I discovered that I had been raised with a not-so-helpful ‘fixed’ mindset; when talent and abilities are praised and rewarded, and mistakes and efforts that fall short are indicators of lack of ability and to be discouraged or avoided. Conversely, a ‘growth’ mindset -viewing faults and failure as opportunities for growth- is a mindset that, I discovered, not only gradually reveals untapped abilities but opens doors of previously unimagined possibilities.
The terms ‘growth mindset and ‘fixed mindset’ were coined by one of the leading researchers in the field, Professor Carol Dweck at Stanford University, who is also often credited with popularising the ‘Becoming is better than being’ quote. Her research has attracted increasing attention among educators and mental health professionals because her findings show that, rather than focusing on intelligence and innate achievement, it is far more important to reward effort, creative strategies, and perseverance.
This growth mindset is all about ‘becoming’. It views the process; the effort; the ‘journey’; the growth itself as having more value than ‘being’ in the accomplished state. Although we are all inclined to praise intelligence and ability in both ourselves and in our children, research shows that this actually creates a ‘fixed mindset’ resulting in fragile people without the resilience needed to effectively tackle adversity or to persevere in the face of difficulty. With such a mindset, when we feel rejected or disappointed, we immediately think ‘I’m not likeable. I’m not approved of – I’m not a good enough person’, feeling guilt or shame for having done something negative or failed to achieved a goal. However, with a growth mindset we think ‘I am not happy with what I did. It’s inconsistent with my values. How can I better understand it? What can I learn from it? How can I make up for it and improve in the future?’
Dweck is often asked to compare her findings with the ever-popular Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), and her response is particularly interesting. “CBT often says “Don’t think you’re not a smart person because you didn’t get an A. Look at all the other A’s you got – you’re a smart person.” But in the mindset framework, we’re saying “Get out of the smart-person framework entirely, Stop thinking about that the good or bad measures you but rather think of yourself as a work in progress.” CBT asks you to find evidence to challenge the argument, and we’re saying it’s the wrong argument.”
I find this particularly interesting because it validates and supports our work with Applied Emotional Mastery – where we focus on the feeling state and using the management of emotions to help better understand, learn from, and continuously improve – whether it’s in relationships, parenting, managing others or opening our own mind up to more possibilities; in other words to develop a growth mindset.
So, as we approach a new year again, why not start treating your mistakes, and your children’s mistakes, as exciting, interesting, perfect opportunities for learning and growth, and for building resilience. Had that been my mindset as a young dancer, who knows, age aside I might still be prancing around ‘en pointe’!
What does it actually take to operate from a mindful, considered, 'grown-up' place, on a day-to-day basis? With the increasingly popular mindfulness practices, meditation apps, and 'being in the present moment' concepts, all written and talked about wherever we turn, shouldn't we be getting good at it by now? – It all sounds really good, and simple, but sometimes it’s easier to put into words than to put into practice! Especially when we're presented with life’s assorted messes, when the proverbial .... hits the fan and when our buttons are pushed by other people – again and again! It’s not easy, that’s for sure!
But as with anything that’s difficult or 'easier said than done', a few brief guidelines or tips to hang on the fridge can be more practically helpful than the most convincing, eloquently written book or even app.
Short, simple, practical tips can go a long way towards helping us be the mindful, considered person we’d like to be, -in the office, in traffic, at the breakfast table- no matter what others get up to!
Here’s a few such tips I have found to be helpful:
BE
Be in ownership of your emotions. For example, when you feel disturbed or annoyed, label your own feelings rather than people (i.e. ‘I feel frustrated right now.’ rather than ‘You’re so lazy!’)
Be mindful of your own physical needs: Have you slept enough? Are you dehydrated? Hungry? Exhausted? If so, take care of your needs. Once the physical needs have been met, you’ll be better able to manage your emotions.
Be in acknowledgmentwhen your negative emotions aren’t serving you.
Take a Time-Out so you can Take a ‘Time-in’. (A ten-minutes break from a situation, for a few slow breaths and calm self-reflection, can help you self-regulate to problem-solve or at the very least de-escalate the situation.)
DO
Do look for learningand growth in your negative emotions. In the words of my grandmother: ‘Nothing is so bad that it’s not good for something.”
Do respectfully validate other people’s feelings, regardless of what you think of them AND regardless of their age. Nobody's feelings are wrong.
Do place your own agenda aside for just 30 seconds in order to step into someone else’s shoes. What must it feel like to be them right now?
DON’T
Do not play the blame game or ‘send someone on a guilt-trip!’ It never ends well!
Avoid judging or criticizing others. Whenever you can, acknowledge everyone’s unique path and emotional reality – nobody’s reality is the same.
Do not try to control or change others. (It ain’t possible! Honestly!)
Last but not least, make sure you're having some laughter and play in your life! (Have you noticed how often the Dalai Lama is caught on camera laughing?)
I was once invited to give a workshop to a team of educational psychologists. One of them was not happy to be there; ‘I don’t need this,’ she grumbled, ‘I leave my emotions at home!’ I hope by the end of the training she’d had a change of heart. You can’t leave your emotions at home any more than you can leave your head, (much as we all might sometimes wish to!) Of course we would all like to think we can control our emotions, put them on hold, suppress them or even avoid them altogether. But no matter how good we get at this, if our words and actions are not congruent with how we actually feel, we are inauthentic and we risk being perceived as such. Even if you’ve practiced your body language and facial expressions down to a T, even if you have blocked your emotion from your own awareness, you will emanate what you are really feeling – and it’s going to be picked up. This is evidenced by research, both on the heart’s electromagnetic field (see HeartMath.org - Research) and on the brain’s mirror-neuron system using fMRI and other analysis (Siegel 2010), as well as in a plethora of other research studies – not that we need research to know it; I imagine many of you reading this have had personal experiences with this phenomena.
Human beings are like an iceberg that is 90% submerged under water, with only 10% being visible. If a storm comes through from east to west you might be forgiven for believing that the iceberg will move west with the storm. However, if there is an undercurrent going in another direction, the iceberg will move with the current, because the current controls 90% of it. The same is true of us humans. The only difference being that we like to think we can control everything with our 10% and discount the power of our undercurrent – our emotions.
Knowing and being with our true emotions, daring to fully look ‘underneath’ so we can discover what our emotions are telling us, is the work of emotional mastery. It is also, ultimately, to develop the self-regulatory skills that, when we choose to use them, generate a feeling that is aligned with our actions (rather than feigning an emotion or control). We all have the ability to do just that – even in these times of distraction, over-stimulation, anxiety and chaos. Your ability to both understand your emotions and to manage them so you can generate a coherent, centred state when you need to, -to manage that undercurrent- is also a part of human nature and when you use that ability, it will positively affect everyone around you; “your field effect” can give you more authenticity and believability than anything else you do. In all my years of working on myself, and with parents, executives, teachers, management teams, and all those who are not in charge of anyone but themselves, I have found this to be a universal truth.
Suggestion: Post something by your front door to remind yourself of the impact you have – with your words as well as your 'field effect'- as you walk out into the world. Take a deep breath with a long exhale - and smile :-) Throughout your day, check yourself and your feelings in your body: ask yourself Am I congruent?
I used to post a quote by General Lee by my front door; “If you do not enjoy what you’re doing, you will be found out.”
Happy summer everyone!
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In Asian languages, the word for mind is usually the same as the word for heart.
In this time when mindfulness has become a trend so popular it’s just about gone viral, it could be worth considering whether such a linguistic fact may be relevant to the true practice of mindfulness; is it just about simply quieting the mind and being fully present in the moment (as many describe it), or should it also somehow involve the heart? And if the answer is ‘yes’ (as the more serious practitioners have it), what does that look like?
Mindfulness has been around for thousands of years – as a part of the Buddhist religion but also in other forms, and framed in many ways. According to Jon Kabat-Zinn, (the originator of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction MBSR, and responsible for bringing mindfulness to both medical and mainstream popularity) “If you’re not hearing the word heartfulness when you’re hearing the word mindfulness, you’re really not understanding what it’s all about. ……. Mindfulness is pointing at something beyond words, underneath words, underneath thinking.”
So what is underneath words and thinking? What is heartfulness? Some would say it’s the wisdom of the heart, and others would say it is feelings such as love, compassion, and kindness. I would say it’s all of the above and more, for it involves the balanced management of emotions. The heart reflects the emotions we feel, revealed in the patterns created by the heart’s rhythms. When our emotions are brought into our awareness and we learn to manage them so they serve us, our relationships, our life-path and our values, then our heart rhythms will be harmonious - and coherent with a fully present mind. On the other hand, if those emotions are disturbing or unpleasant and unmanaged, so too are the rhythms of the heart. At this point our conscious mind will take a hike up into the busy-ness of our ‘monkey brain’, and mindfulness will no longer happen.
Mind and heart must combine to create the deeper present moment awareness –the mindfulness- that gives us the ability to accept and take pleasure in each moment of work and play, to fully listen to those we dialog with, to deeply appreciate each interaction with loved ones, to savour each morsel we eat and drink, to relish tastes and smells and sights and sounds, delight in musical notes as they reach our ears and in views as we glance upon them, and to surrender to the experience of life, in all it’s glory and messiness. In short, mindfulness need not be a passing fad, or a short-term, fast-acting replacement for pain-killers or anti-depressants, or even the latest way to deal with the stresses and strains of modern or corporate life.
Mindfulness in it’s true form is heartfulness – (it is in the work we do with Applied Emotional Mastery as well as in the work of many of our contemporaries and peers); - it's message is to maximize good and minimize harm, both to oneself and others. It is a daily decision, a way of life, a discipline (in the best sense of the word), that increases awareness and acceptance, insights and wisdom, and that helps us BE fully in-the-moment and (to paraphrase Viktor Frankl) conscious of that space between stimulus and response – where we can pause to make more informed choices - where we can choose to move in the direction of maximizing good.
So even if commercialism takes over and the popularity of mindfulness eventually wanes, the message it has brought and spread, and the heartfulness within it, will surely only have contributed positively to our planet. And (quite fitting for this 'month of the heart') I figure that's good news, however you look at it.
I recently read somewhere “If you want to be happy, drop out of your head and into your life.” It made me think of how most of us spend too much time in our heads, pondering the past, worrying about the future and forgetting to live fully in our current experiences - and appreciate them all, even the unpleasant moments – for how will we grow from them if we don’t know them?
One way to ‘drop into life’ is to write it – write what you’re feeling, thinking, experiencing. There’s nothing like it for capturing those everyday life moments. And now there’s even scientific evidence for the powerful effects writing can have on us!
One study found that writing about emotions and stress decreased the chances of becoming ill or damaged by traumatic events. Participants who wrote about their feelings spent less time in hospital and enjoyed lower blood pressure than their counterparts. In another study, writing about emotions and thoughts showed participants had significantly increased optimism, and improved health and general well being.
If you want to journal but can’t think what to write, try this: Get a small, pocket-sized journal that you can carry around with you. Throughout your day, whenever you have a moment jot down you emotions, whatever you’re feeling at that time. Then notice how your body feels, noting where you might be feeling any tension or tightness. You may find food for thought and even for writing more extensively about later in the day.
Another ‘short-and-sweet’ way to journal is to write down 3 things you can feel appreciation for, right now. Follow that with slowing your breathing and being fully present in your body, for the next ten minutes, feeling that appreciation!
You might also try free-form journal writing - just letting the pen in your hand write whatever comes to you. Regardless of how you approach it, don’t let the simplicity of journaling deceive you into underestimating its significance. Regular journaling –especially writing about feelings – can make a profound difference to your life – emotionally and otherwise. To quote author Madeleine L’Engle
“It was while writing a diary that I discovered how to capture the living moments.”
Have you heard of the hedgehogs’ dilemma? The philosopher Schopenhauer wrote a parable about it more than a century ago. It went something like this: In the wintertime when the cold became almost unbearable, the hedgehogs tried to get close to each other, seeking to huddle together and share each others’ body heat. Unfortunately, as soon as they did, their spines pricked each other, which of course hurt and they recoiled. The cold however, drove them towards one other again but the same thing happened time and time again. Eventually the hedgehogs learned that they were best off maintaining a little distance from each other – in their own space.
Freud quoted this parable in his explorations of human relationships, posing a number of questions including how much intimacy can we as humans actually endure? It’s a good question and one I think many of us grapple with at some time - I know I certainly have! It’s especially interesting –almost paradoxical– in light of the recent findings by neuro scientists that our brains are hard-wired to connect. In fact, the same circuitry that processes pain when we are not connecting (experiencing social rejection for example) is layered right on top of the circuits involved in physical pain. This isn’t surprising when we think of a baby’s need to connect with a parent or caregiver on whom the infant is completely dependent for food, water, shelter and safety. No connection, no survival!
But as we grow and become more able to take care of ourselves, we also experience rejection and loss, social pain as well as social pleasure – somewhat like the hedgehog. Curiously the brain’s circuitry that we use to navigate this, our social life and all relationships, is very different from the circuitry we use for problem solving and logical, coherent thinking. In fact, when one circuit is ‘switched on’ the other is in effect switched off. The more we function from a rational, practical or ‘sensible’ place, the less we are using our social antennae. The more we, for example, focus on solving a problem from a logical reasoning perspective, the more likely we are to distance ourselves from the other person or people around us (even those who could help us solve the problem!) Conversely, the more we focus on relating to and communicating with others, the more we learn to understand how others might be feeling. Interestingly, we may also feel we are neglecting the ‘problems’ and even ‘wasting’ our time. A human dilemma, although maybe not as dramatic or black-and-white as the hedgehog’s :-)Good to be aware of, so we can better know ‘where we are coming from’ (and self-regulate if we decide it’s not appropriate!) Knowledge is power!
Have you noticed how much more time and attention we give negative experiences than positive ones? How long we spend thinking and talking about troubles and stress, compared to how much time we give the good stuff? You may not be surprised to learn that, as humans, we have a bias towards negativity – generally. Our brain is actually wired that way. It is likely that this negativity bias relates to our ability for survival: if you feel threatened, for example by a speeding bus hurtling towards you or a vicious looking animal growling at you, the last thing you’d want to do is take your focus away from it! Whereas, if you’re enjoying a beautiful sunset or a striking flower, your attention will be much more easily distracted. All rather logical really, except we default to this negativity bias much more than we need to! AND we would be better served to give at least equal attention to those feel-good moments. Why? Well, recently neuro-science (research into the workings of the brain) has shown that our ability to access and
sustain good feelings builds the pathways in the brain that we need for resilience - to bounce back from any difficulties or hardships; it is our ability to access and sustain the good feelings (the longer the better) that helps us stay self-managed and behave in the ways we want to, ways that are in accordance with our values; it is this ability for
deepening and savouring the good feelings that helps us access and draw on our most wise and insightful capacity.
SO I invite you to embrace your own ability to generate good feelings, and to give some attention to consciously holding onto them as long as possible today - and tomorrow!
- Relish that feeling of appreciation you have for your loved ones,
- Savour the blue sky on your way to work,
- Delight in your tasty dinner, while you eat and long after,
- Remind yourself to delight in all the good things in your life each time you catch your own reflection.
- Smile. Hold it! It’s good for your brain!
Images courtesy of Stuart Miles and Jesadaphorn/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net"
Have you ever had a friend misinterpret something someone quoted you as saying or respond to a miscommunication, by snubbing you? Instead of speaking to you about it, such a person will stop speaking to you altogether, using their silence as a weapon or perceived punishment for - - - you know not what! Rightly referred to as ‘passive aggression’, this is an experience most people I know have had to struggle with at some time in their lives. For me, the temptation to feel disappointed will be strong, even though I know it is only the result of unmet expectations – and my
unrealistic expectations at that! If I am really honest with myself, I probably know the person well enough to know that this is their modus operandi – and not something I can control. If I let my frustration (with myself) and disappointment linger, it will only lead to resentment, which certainly won’t serve me at all! Letting it go is my best option, and finding the gift (yes, the gift! For instance: what can I appreciate about the new ‘non-relationship’? Or how can I shift into compassion for this person?) is for me, the easiest way to let go. A lifesaver, you might say!
I learned this lesson well, from a teacher in Hawaii many moons ago, who told me he was never disappointed. “Never disappointed?”! I asked incredulously. “Never disappointed because I never have any expectations,” he said.
Very difficult to do – but something to strive for nonetheless! As several of my clients seem to have this issue theses days, and I myself have had it too, I feel inspired to share some more Hawaiian wisdom - the complete seven principles of Huna (the Hawaiian life philosophies), that have meant a great deal to me since I learned them from the same wise teacher.
May they inspire you too!
The world is what you think it is
There are no limits
Energy goes where attention flows
Now is the moment of power
To love is to be happy with
All power comes from within
Effectiveness is the measure of truth
(With thanks to Serge Kahili King)
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Do you find it difficult to keep quiet when you feel the urge to explain yourself? Maybe you’ll recognize yourself in this story,
I know I certainly do!
In a small temple in the mountains, four student monks were practicing Zazen. They agreed amongst themselves to observe seven days of silence. The first day of meditation began auspiciously, but as night began to fall one of the monks started feeling irritated that the lamps were not being lit.
"It was your turn to light the lamps," he complained to one of his fellow students.
The second monk was surprised to hear the first one talk. "In my concentration to maintain silence, I forgot," he explained
"Listen to you two," said the third student, "Why did you talk?""�I am the only one now who has not talked," concluded the fourth.
Most of us find it tough to stay quiet when the need to explain or justify something rears its head. Even when we have promised ourselves to watch out for any compulsion to express whatever we know is right, it just seems impossible to stay quiet! Personally (and with clients) I have tried and tested many things ….. and the following seems to work the best:
Try this: track and note down how much of your day is taken up with explaining yourself. This can be an interesting exercise to do every day, over a week's period.
Then: Whenever you catch yourself explaining or defending yourself, STOP, and take a deep breath. Then take two more slow breaths, focusing your attention away from your thoughts and into the center of your chest.
Then ask yourself, what do I really want to achieve? Is what I am about to say likely to achieve it? Whatever you answer yourself, follow that advice
Then try: breathing slowly and being fully present in your body, throughout the next ten minutes!
However slightly your urge-control increases, whatever your insights, congratulate yourself! You may never know how many people you have impacted in a positive way!
New Year's Resolutions - a tradition we all seem bound by every year - and one which is usually followed by another, equally widely held tradition - breaking those resolutions.
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on 9/9/2013
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War does not determine who is right - only who is left. - Bertrand RussellThere’s a true story about soldiers fighting in the rice fields in Vietnam that illustrates how our perception can be changed by emotional responses to other people and their actions.
American soldiers were on one side of the rice fields and the Viet Cong were on the other, both shooting at each other continuously. Suddenly, out of the blue, a small group of Buddhist monks came walking quietly along a low wall in the midst of the rice-fields, right in the firing line. Slowly and purposefully they walked, one after the other, not looking left or right, as if it was a perfectly normal thing to do. And guess what? Abruptly, all shooting stopped. Soldiers on both sides were so taken aback (and, I would think humbled) by the unexpected sight, that something in their brains shifted and they stopped firing at each other. Once the monks were gone, the shift in their brains stayed that way and one by one they all went back to their respective camps. There was no more shooting that day.
With the focus on war and hostility ever present in most living rooms, coming at us on whatever screen we have switched on - never mind the violence that is perpetrated as a result - I wonder if we will ever have a society without war and violence? I wonder what it would take to permanently shift our brains to a state of peace without force, of purpose without aggression, of care without imposition, of justice without vengeance?
Big, heavy questions – probably not going to be answered any time soon! But if we apply them to ourselves, our homes, workplaces, children and relationships, they suddenly become a little more manageable, don’t you find?
(And Bertrand Russel's quote can be applied to any conflict too!)
Not for the first time, the 'topic of the moment' seems to be happiness! Of all the people discussing it recently, Arianna Huffington offered a particularly succinct view of the main qualities that constitute happiness (on a news program the other day) as including; “....
our capacity to tap into our own wisdom and make good decisions.” She pointed out how many of today’s leaders are clearly unable to do this (:-) fueled as they are by sleep deprivation, exhaustion and burnout; "
Then they make terrible decisions!”
I couldn’t agree more – I see it all the time, don’t you?
How can we have the wonder, joy and human connection so vital for happiness when we are burnt out and our brains are frazzled?
So what to do about it? What can we each do individually to prevent burn-out and become happier? Someone asked me today for a check-list, (of which I have several - as my clients know well :-) However, today I’d like to offer a great list of six habits developed by Researchers at UC Berkeley.
1.
Pay Attention - Be Mindful: When we are mindful our immune systems become stronger and we are less likely to be anxious or aggressive.
2.
Give Thanks: Regular expressions of gratitude promote optimism, improved health, and greater satisfaction with life.
3.
Keep Friends Close: Social connections are key to happiness; make time for those closest to you.
4.
Drop Grudges: When we forgive those who have wronged us, we feel better about ourselves, experience more positive emotions, and feel closer to others.
5.
Practice Kindness: Being kind to others makes us feel good. Altruistic acts light up the same pleasure centres in the brain as food and sex!
6.
Get Moving!: Regular exercise increases self-esteem, reduces anxiety and stress, and may well be the most effective instant happiness booster of all!
Summer is well and truly here – and whether we are on holiday or not, relaxation is on the agenda! The question is, when you relax, do you
really relax? Sitting in the park the other day, enjoying the warm sunshine beaming down from an unusually clear blue sky (unusual at least for London!), my mind was flitting from one thought to another at normal lightning speed, mulling over all the tasks I needed to complete when a small breeze rustled the trees behind me, bringing me into the present. It dawned on me that I wasn’t really relaxing. My shoulders were tense and my jaw was slightly clenched, yet I had come to the park specifically to relax, to allow my body to rest and recover from recent busy activities and pressures. I needed to relax and had no excuse not to, knowing very well how to - never mind knowing the ramifications of
not relaxing. I smiled when I realised that I was now judging myself and creating even more tension. The humour helped and I exhaled, finally releasing the tension in my face, neck and shoulders. Significantly a small child ran past me, giggling to herself as she went.
It is a fact that tension and relaxation cannot co-exist – try tensing your fist and relaxing it simultaneously! Problems arise when we hold onto tension long after the need has passed; for example, have you ever found yourself frowning, clenching your fist or teeth and not even realizing you had been doing it? Aside from letting us know it’s time to let go or relax, this indicates that our body is communicating to us about an emotional reaction or experience we are invariably holding onto. When we take the time to become aware of our own particular tension points, we can discover what they are telling us and respond accordingly. My clenched jaw tells me I am projecting into the future, worrying and not being present. A client tells me her jaw clenches when she is angry, and for yet another it signifies anxiety.
The body is such an awesome information carrier, with it’s own language that can give us huge chunks of knowledge about ourselves and make us increasingly self-aware – which the first and most essential step whether we are wanting to relax, enjoy it fully, or just have much more fun!
If you'd like to join me and my colleagues on line to further explore this subject, and how you can develop more insights and wisdom through emotional awareness,
click here!
Happy Summer!
You are loveable and capable! Innately we all are and we are all born ‘knowing’ this. I see it in the eyes of my beautiful one-year-old granddaughter; she knows she is loveable and she knows she is capable of everything she needs to do at this point in time. It’s glorious to watch – but when I later sit with myself or my clients, I am not quite so thrilled as I observe the self-sabotaging beliefs so many of us have developed, which include believing we are
not loveable, or fearing we are
not capable.
These beliefs are programmed into us, one by one, by well-meaning parents and other adults who tell us to try harder – that it’s not quite good enough, or watch out, you’ll get hurt! Much of the programming is of course necessary for us to survive and to thrive, but too much of it is not. So what to do when you’re a grown-up with such beliefs?
Well, there are many techniques out there that can help us change such limiting beliefs – some more effective than others. For me, the most important factor in any technique is the emotional component; recognizing and addressing that our emotions drive our thinking; that our beliefs are just thoughts and perceptions wrapped in emotions., and therefore the most important thing to focus on is changing the underlying emotion – which starts with knowing what the emotion is. Seems like a ‘duh’ point to make – but it strikes me that it needs to be made, over and over.
We are all moving through life faster and faster, with more and more to do, and ever expanding technology we need to master in order that we can do even more. And the first thing that gets lost in this process is our awareness of, and sensitivity to, our emotions. We have no time, and so we ignore any little niggle or stress and instead forge ahead, either powering through whatever new tasks or challenges present themselves or procrastinating without taking the time to feel and so address why we might be avoiding whatever it is. But the emotions are still there, building up inside us one by one, until there is such a big pile of them – inevitably re-enforcing the fear that we are not really capable, and the belief that we may not be so loveable after all. If this resonates, I say to you as I say to myself, STOP.
Take a moment and check in.
Dare to be still.
Breathe.
Let all that tension go.
Feel the feelings and acknowledge them, no matter how upsetting. Sit with them long enough to allow them to let go of their hold on you – and release any tension they have caused (run, jump up and down, punch a pillow, count 1,2,3, and scream! Or massage your shoulders and neck, or just write…. whatever works for you.) When the tension is released, breathe again, slowly, out.
Then focus for a moment on something you can love and appreciate, like a pet, a flower, a baby, or just being alive. Breathe into it and allow yourself to FEEL the good feeling, in your body.
Then say to yourself “I Am Loveable And Capable”.
A small suggestion: Try writing IALAC on a sticker and post it opposite your toilet seat, that way you’ll be forced to remember it several times a day .............:-)
I like to refer to surfing as a metaphor for managing life-changes, even though I have never surfed! I put it down to all those years living on the island of Kauai – a surfer’s paradise - where every other person I knew was a surfer and most would happily expound on any one of the principles of riding the waves whenever I gave them half a chance. One of those principles that stuck in my memory is ‘pearling’.
Pearling occurs when you don’t reposition yourself to compensate for transitioning from the downhill slope of the wave to flat water. As a result, the surfboard digs vertically down into the bottom of the ocean, and you get pitched into the water! As you come up for air, you may find yourself floundering, anxiously trying to get back up on the board and, if you manage to, paddling furiously in order to catch the next wave that you know is due imminently! This is often called “The Impact Zone”, a ‘zone’ where time is of the essence! If fear and anxiety are allowed to take over, your much-needed focus will be gone with the waves and your next experience could be a wipe-out! I am struck by the parallels to life itself – and two questions emerge:
1. When uninvited change occurs – as it seems to with greater and greater frequency - are we flexible enough to reposition ourselves to compensate for the necessary transition? In other words, are we willing to be adaptable, try something new, stretch our thinking till it surfaces out of the box we have hitherto made ourselves so comfortable in? Can we transcend old behaviours and ride the waves of change with flexibility, or are we sticking with long-established, customary measures that will inevitably pitch us back into the water?
2. Are we anxiously and furiously flailing about, grasping at ‘sea-foam’, our fear of the possibilities ahead paralysing us and keeping us just treading water until the next wave wipes us out?
One thing I know for sure is that managing our emotions is key if we are to be successful at ‘riding these waves’. Although, when something bad seems to come out of left field, or disagreeable change is thrust upon us, it is natural to feel anxiety and even fear, our chances of successfully navigating whatever it is will be in direct proportion to our ability to process and move through these feelings, keeping our ‘emotional brain’ in check and our ‘thinking brain’ switched on: The two ‘brains’ can never be fully active simultaneously! When we are in anxiety or fear, our ‘emotional’ brain takes over and puts us into defense mode, causing, inflexibility, resistance to the unfamiliar, or even panic Short-term thinking and bad decisions are made in this state. Conversely, smart, innovative thinking that will create the new ways of doing things that we probably need, comes from a switched on ‘thinking brain’, which can only happen when we are in an emotional state of centredness; focused yet flexible, willing to reposition, and open to transcendence. ‘Riding the waves’ in this state will minimalize the chances of ‘pearling’ or ‘wiping out’, in fact we may eventually find the ride quite exhilarating! Let's go for that!
Twitter rants, Facebook bullying, political knee-jerk decisions, and reactive behaviour - all driven by out-of-control emotions. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could get a handle on some of this? I wonder how many people are aware of how much out-of-control emotions run our lives? Most people know that emotions are powerful, but I’d go so far as to say they are THE most powerful force we have. They drive everything of significance. And while they are powerful when you are aware of them, emotions wreak havoc when you’re not. Why is this? How come emotions are so powerful that they make us say and do things we later regret? Why can’t we just get a grip?
Well, you cannot always ‘pull yourself together’ (as my mother used to say), because emotions are often triggered without our conscious knowledge, they are literally physical changes that occur in the body when you register signals from your environment which you may or may not be aware of.
A typical scenario might be if you smell something that reminds your subconscious mind of a strong childhood experience, which will rekindle the same emotion you originally had. When this is a positive experience, (i.e. the smell of pastries your mother baked for celebrations) it may trigger the release of dopamine – a ‘feel-good’ hormone that reinforces reward. Conversely, if the association and resulting emotion is negative, (i.e. the whiff of pastries that your mother baked when she left you to cry yourself to sleep as a baby) it will rekindle the feeling of abandonment you felt, as cortisol is released in your conditioned but subconscious stress-response (no matter how illogical this may seem to an adult who doesn’t consciously remember being left in the crib). Changes like these occur instantly and many times a day. Whether you are conscious of them or not, they impact what you think and believe and consequently, how you act.
But these signals from our surroundings need not always involve memory –and sometimes our responses are designed for a purpose. For example when a mother breastfeeds her baby, the stimulation releases oxytocin (often referred to as ‘the bonding hormone) in her breast tissue, which makes her milk flow. Importantly, it changes her emotional state: her anxiety levels drop and she becomes more calm, patient, and able to meet her baby’s needs. Until recently oxytocin was only associated with reproduction, but it has now been also shown to play a far more significant role in our behaviour and all our relationships than previously thought. Dr Paul Zak of Loma Linda University Medical Center in California, has conducted hundreds of studies with oxytocin, worldwide. His research found that Oxytocin is released in all of us when we trust someone or when we feel trusted. It makes us pro-social, more generous, honourable, and even moral! His research has also found that although there is no correlation between happiness and income level, there is a tight correlation between happiness and trust; that living in a society where there is a high level of trust makes people happier.
This is great information indeed! But could it help prevent all the rants, the bullying, and knee-jerk reactions we all so want to see diminish?
I think it could – first and foremost, by making us more self-aware about how the negative, stress-producing emotions impact us. As it turns out, the stress hormones that are released when we experience strong negative emotions actually inhibit the release of Oxytocin, which in turn leads to a lack of empathy and reduced care and concern for others. So now we know that not only do stress-producing, out-of-control emotions reduce our ability to think clearly and compromise our immune system, but they also block Oxytocin, the purpose of which is to increase our ability to connect with, trust and be trusted by or even care about others. This helps us understand even better why we sometimes rant or behave in knee-jerk ways that are defensive, inappropriate, unkind or thoughtless (literally). It also gives us yet another reason to try to be more self-aware and take charge of our previously out-of-control damaging emotions, and is one more argument in favour of practicing generating the ‘feel-good’ factor!
SOME WAYS TO GENERATE OXYTOCIN & THE FEEL-GOOD FACTOR
Smile to the next person you see
Stroke a pet
Give or get a massage
Dance
Create music with others
Appreciate something – anything!
Give someone you care about a nice surprise
Show your appreciation - to anyone!
Phone or write to an old friend or teacher
Forgive someone
Meditate with a focus on appreciation or compassion
Share a meal with a friend
Watch a feel-good movie
Play with the children in your life – face to face
Make someone laugh
Go to the theatre or a concert with a friend
Join a club or activity group
Socialize – in person!
AND
HUG SOMEONE (Paul Zak’s favorite)
To hear Paul Zak's TED talk,
click here
For almost two decades now, I have worked with parents who no longer live together but who recognize and appreciate the importance of shared parenting. A family split makes for an emotional time, and creating a collaborative co-parenting situation is almost impossible to do without some kind of support. Unfortunately too many parents in that situation either cannot afford or do not have access to the counseling or coaching they need. Personally, I have to turn away couples because the need is more than I can handle. Too often I hear “Why aren’t there more people like you doing this work?” or “Only lawyers do what they call mediation, but they don’t address day-to-day parenting issues, or what it actually means to ‘put the children first’!” or “I don’t know how to handle what my child is going through!” The results can get so bad that therapy or even drugs are needed. This is sad, because far too often it doesn’t have to be so – if the parents had a procedure to develop their plan and an agreement; if the parents had a little more knowledge of their child’s (and their own) process; if the parents had just a few more tools to help them handle the challenges.
I have long wanted to find a way to help this situation for more separating parents and their young ones, so you can imagine how thrilled I am to be introducing our first On-Line Course and Coaching Program for that very group of people!
FOREVER PARENTS is a 6-part home-study course with audios, transcripts, family games, check-lists, samples of a co-parenting agreement and a co-parent plan, and six one-to-one coaching opportunities (in a secure space, unlike emails!) and even an e-book! And participants can do it any time they want! Can you tell I’m excited?
Helping divorcing couples over the years, I have seen many manage to get through their split and move into collaborative, shared parenting in ways that work really well and that prevent needless suffering for their children. I feel so blessed to be doing this work, and now –thanks to brilliant technology – I have the opportunity to offer it to everyone who needs it!
If you, or anyone you know is in the process of splitting up with a partner but would like to make shared parenting work, this link gives a special pre-launch offer –
www.theBeingEffect.com
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I am not sure whether it’s because of the winter weather or just life ‘these days’ but I’m increasingly being asked for more ‘quick fix’ ideas to de-stress from work to home. I know I've shared some before, but obviously not enough (:-)
I have found that establishing a ritual, a regular action you take on the way home from work every day to 'switch off' is key.
If you drive, play a specific piece of music and stop at a special place, taking five minutes to just breathe slowly, close your eyes and let the tension go. If you commute by bus or train, make it enjoyable – listen to a book or your favourite music or read a chapter of a novel that is pure pleasure. This may seem obvious to some, but I'm surprised to find how many people read newspapers with gloom and doom stories, (exacerbating any stress) as they travel home.......... not really a good idea to my mind.
When you pull up in front of your door, try to stop for a moment, take three slow breaths and appreciate something, (anything!) allowing yourself to smile before you open the door.
Inside your front door, place a box or basket or shelf where you can park your work (bag, briefcase or even laptop if you dare!) and don’t pick it up again until the next morning!
If you have children, gather around the kitchen table with a nice drink and chat about your day - with all technology switched off. Or find something else special, preferably ‘un-plugged’, that you can do together daily, making it the official start to your evening.
Hope that's helpful! I'd love to get more ideas - so please share if you have any!!!!
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‘What do I want to be when I grow up?” joked a client as he explored the prospect of making his New Years resolutions. (He wasn't actually joking.) By now he has established his resolutions and probably, like most of us, knows -or at least has a sense of- whether he will be achieving them or not. Personally, mine will always be more achievable if they are proactive or positive – as opposed to stopping something, depriving myself, or
not doing something.
This year I decided to create resolutions in 3 categories ….. what I want to BE more of, DO more of and HAVE more of: The first leads naturally to the second which leads naturally to the third.: Being, Doing and Having always work best in that order, and I find myself more easily successful in my ‘resolution quest’. For those who are searching for ‘What do I want to be when I grow up?”, this order of focus forces an exploration that in itself can be a powerful way to begin a new year!
So did my client answer his own question? Well yes, after some self-examination he did. And I believe this quote, which I shared with him, helped some!
“
Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” Howard ThurmanSums up my Being and Doing resolutions for 2013 quite nicely!
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I came across this Charlie Brown cartoon the other day, and once I’d stopped smiling, it got me thinking – about purpose and about having a sense of it. Meditating on this thought I recollected reading somewhere that for us humans a sense of purpose is almost as strong and significant as the need for sex. I wonder if the endless search for happiness preoccupying so many of us is really all about connecting with meaning and a sense of purpose?
I once attended a talk about the significance of purpose, given by Satish Kumar. He challenged us to consider that the Body, Mind, Spirit movement is no longer relevant – because it’s too ego-centric, even narcissistic - all about MY body, MY mind, MY spirit. Point taken! Instead he proposed a new concept; Soul, Soil and Society: the idea of nurturing one’s soul (self-care; living a more balanced life), in order to feel a more responsible, nurturing connection to the planet (soil) and ultimately to understand that we are all linked, made up of the same stuff, and so we had better take care of each other (society). When all is said and done, we will inevitably find that the most gratifying sense of purpose always involves giving and generating love. Satish finished; “I am only here speaking to you because you are here, listening. You are, therefore I am.”
A lovely concept that I invite us all to weave into our celebration this Christmas. May it be a merry one!
Inexplicably linked to gratitude (and Thanksgiving) is, in my humble opinion, generosity.
I recall a story I once heard about generosity, illustrating how difficult it is to actually put qualities such as gratitude and generosity into daily practice. The story was about a priest who was traveling around the farming community he served, visiting his parishioners. One group of farmers was particularly engaging and he spent some time preaching about the virtues of generosity, charity and kindness. Finally he asked them all to imagine they had one more car than they needed. Then he asked them what they would do with the extra car. One of the farmers immediately responded enthusiastically; “I would give it away to someone who needed it.”
“Now that’s what I call charitable!” the priest exclaimed. “And what if you had two houses? What would you do with the second one?”
“I would give the second one to homeless people,” replied the farmer at once eager to please.
“The spirit of generosity indeed!” the priest smiled with approval. “What if you had two chickens, “ he continued, “what would you do?”
The farmer became suddenly serious. “Why I would keep them both!” he retorted.
“Now why would you, who have been so kind-hearted with great things, all of a sudden cease being generous when it comes to a couple of small chickens?” asked the priest
The farmer replied, “Because I
have two chickens!”
Such a great illustration of how we humans can find it so difficult to live according to what we preach – to ‘walk our talk ‘as they say – especially when old emotional fear patterns and self-centredness take over! The thing is when they do, we actually feel uncomfortable, unhappy, because on some level we know we are not living in alignment with our values.
The very good news is that science is repeatedly showing us it’s all in the wiring of the brain – AND we can, by being mindful, actually take charge and change the wiring – be what we really want to be! In the case of the farmer (if he indeed was really as generous as he professed to be) give away that second chicken trusting that ‘what goes around comes around’.
To learn more about coaching and resources that can help ‘change the wiring’, check out www.TheBeingEffect.com
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