Guess the Plot

A Relic for Roland

1. Roland tries to find the real Holy Grail without getting his face melted. Hilarity ensues.

2. Roland tries to find the magical Scissors of Endor, to cut the Conquistador's Cord.

3. Roland tries to find the Dragon's eye, an ancient ruby that shoots red lightning bolts. 

4. Roland tries to find the Coronet of Arthax, a trumpet made from a unicorn's horn.

5. Roland tries to find the stolen casket containing the relics of Pinedjem II, High Priest of Amun at Thebes.

6. Roland tries to find the astrolabe of Christoff Schissler the Elder, looted from a German museum after WWII.


Original Version
Dear Agent,

I am seeking representation for A Relic for Roland, a complete middle Grade high fantasy of 109,000 words which can also work as three books of around 35k. [Also possible are two books of around 55k, five books of around 22k, and one third of a 327k trilogy.] [I'd put this paragraph at the end. It's kind of boring with all the numbers.] [Apropos of nothing, it's interesting that the three numbers are presented three ways, one with digits, one spelled out, and one abbreviated. An obsessively consistent writer would have chosen to write 109,000 words which can also work as 3 books of around 35,000; or one hundred and nine thousand words which can also work as three books of around thirty-five thousand; or 109k words  which can also work as .003k books of around 35k.]  

An entire settlement has been changed into woodland animals by the curse of a powerful sorcerer. [I'm guessing you mean the people who live in the settlement have been changed, and not the place where the people live, which is what I would refer to as the settlement.] Roland Hobbs, now a raccoon, undertakes the quest to find answers at the sorcerer’s tower with the help of his two squirrel friends, Marcus and Sarah. [Trivia Q: What do squirrels and raccoons have in common? A: The most famous example of each is named Rocky.] [Also, little-known fact: the script for the movie Rocky originally called for Rocky Balboa to fight a giant raccoon.]

At the tower, the companions discover their enemy trapped in a magical pool and learn from him that when they cleared the land for their settlement, the spirit of an ancient evil trapped by the roots of the trees was unleashed [Or, more accurately, it was uprooted.]; the dragon Golthag. [I would put "the dragon Golthag" after "the spirit of."] The sorcerer, a good man named Belasur who transformed them all to save their lives, [Perhaps we should call what Belasur did a spell rather than a curse, as his intentions and the result were favorable.] reveals the existence of the Coronet of Arthax, the horn of the famous unicorn of the same name who vanquished Golthag long ago at the cost of his own life. The horn was fashioned by Belasur into a trumpet [Are you sure it shouldn't be called the Cornet of Arthax?] which has the power to reshape reality itself. It is the key to restoring them all to human form. [Them all? What if some of them don't want to change back?] [Once reality has been reshaped, is it still considered reality?] 

Heading south, Roland and friends seek the tribe of the half-giants, [If you Google "How tall is a giant?" the first answer is 84 inches. Which would make a half-giant 42 inches, or 11 inches shorter than Tyrion Lannister.] who removed the relic from the tower to keep it safe. They also join forces with two Sylvians from the undersea country, and journey to the kingdom of Seldavin to prevent the coronet from falling into the hands of evil clerics called the Teterari who have usurped power. [No need to tell us clerics are evil. Fictional clerics are always evil.]

Along the way, Roland learns the ways of magic from the magical mate of the Coronet, a tuning fork named Selatine. [Anagram: Saltine.] The fork reveals to Roland the songs of all natural creation, [Is it a talking tuning fork?]
to teach him how to use the coronet safely, and gift him with magical abilities. He discovers that the half-giants narrowly escaped the clutches of the Teterari and made their way to the ancient crossroads, a fortified battleground of antiquity. Joining the half-giants, he and his friends make their stand against the Teterari armies. [In a battle that historians will call the Tet Offensive.]

With the aid of the Sylvians and war machines of the famous Emrian inventor called the Clockmaker, [His best-known invention: the time bomb.] they are victorious. The companions then return home with the coronet and win the last battle against Golthag’s spirit. With the power to restore themselves available, Roland and the good people of the settlement give it up in order to bring Belasur back to life, [When did he die?] and protect the forest. [We don't need the ending. Stop when the MC is confronted by the decision that will determine the outcome.]


Notes

Words that sound similar: Selatine, Sylvians, Seldavin, Belasur. Must have something to do with the third letter being "L". Like in Roland, Relic, and Golthag.

Apparently when you call Roland a raccoon, you mean he's a raccoon with Roland's brain and ability to communicate? Can the forest animals speak?

This is more synopsis than query. We don't need this much information. Here's what we need:

1. Who's the main character, what's his situation when stuff starts happening, what's his goal, what's his plan to achieve the goal? Roland Hobbs, been turned into a raccoon, wants his humanity and settlement back, needs to get the relic that can reshape reality).

2. What's keeping him from his goal, what does he do about it, what goes wrong? The relic's been taken away by dwarfs, he follows them to Seldavin, but the Tetrazzinis are waiting, and they want the relic too. And they have armies.

3. What's at stake? What happens if he succeeds, and what if he fails?

Can't the powerful sorcerer change the animals back to people now that they've left the settlement?

Work all that into about ten sentences. Keep the number of names low. 

Guess the Plot

The Empire



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Wolf, a teenage soldier of Māori descent, struggles with his asexual identity as he fights to protect the Empire from the Rebels. Their forces are growing stronger, fuelled by every wrongful death at the hands of the Emperor. They have to be stopped, before everything Wolf has ever known is destroyed.

Once a scamp on the streets, and now a star soldier in the Army, Wolf is still as alone as ever. [Meaning he has no friends?] Loyalty to the Empire is crucial, and so he must stand by as all troublemakers are executed, [I'd go with dissidents or agitators or rabble-rousers. The death penalty seems a bit harsh for troublemaking. They'd be executing ten-year-olds.] [Wait, are they executing ten-year-olds?] despite his growing misgivings about the Empire's methods. Questioning orders is not an option.

After discovering a traitor amongst his fellow soldiers, and watching his friend die in a Rebel ambush, [Now he has no friends.] Wolf can't tell who to trust. [The Rebels ambushed and killed my only friend; I can't tell if I should trust them.] One by one, lies, secrets, and betrayals are unveiled. He starts to suspect Pablo, a Training Instructor, of working with the Rebels, but when Wolf reports his suspicions, attention is drawn to him and his sympathy for the scamps. [It never pays to be the whistleblower.] As even his own mind turns against him, Wolf struggles to cope with the responsibility the Emperor has given him. [Teenage soldiers aren't given responsibility by emperors; they're used as cannon fodder.]

The Emperor has a plan to defeat the Rebels. Wolf is forced to make a decision [decide] between listening to his conscience and losing everything he's worked for, or agreeing to set [setting] a trap for the Rebels, using his own people as bait. [He's always been alone, but he has people? Are his people the Māori? The scamps? His fellow soldiers?] This could be their one chance to win the war. [The Empire's one chance or the Rebels' one chance?] But Wolf is no longer sure about what he's fighting for.

Set in a post-apocalyptic New Zealand, [Maybe this should be made clear earlier. I spent the whole query thinking it was set a long time ago in a galaxy far far away.] [You can argue that someone of Māori descent wouldn't have been in another galaxy long ago, but can you be sure the Māori didn't come to Earth from another galaxy, eons ago? No, you can't.] THE EMPIRE is a young adult dystopian novel of 85,000 words featuring a diverse LGBT+ cast. It's a stand-alone book with series potential.

Thanks for your consideration.

Yours sincerely,


Notes

This would be better if Wolf were an actual wolf. 

As war rages between the rebels and the Empire, one asexual soldier named Wolf is torn between his conscience and his loyalty to the ruthless emperor. That's about all I'm taking from this because there's a lot of vagueness. Specificity would make it more interesting. What is the emperor's plan to win the war? What lies and secrets and betrayals are unveiled?  What do you mean by his mind turns against him? Did the emperor himself single Wolf out for some crucial responsibility? If so, what is it, and why Wolf? 

Wolf's sexuality obviously plays a part in the book, but unless you show us how, it's not worth mentioning in the query.

Tell us the story with interesting details. Phrases like "before everything Wolf has ever known is destroyed," don't tell us anything, as we don't know what he's known. "Losing everything he's worked for?" I guess that means losing his job, though considering his age, I can't imagine he's had it long.

Finally some news from Europe that's neither tragic nor scandalous: The Czech Republic is planning to change their name. Apparently they were annoyed that the Boston Marathon bombers were mistakenly thought by some to be from The Czech Republic, when they were actually from Chechnya, so to avoid future confusion they've decided to call themselves Czechia. Another advantage: changing their name means all their sports fans will have to toss their Czech Republic jerseys and buy new garb.

A name change is certainly warranted, but they seem to have missed the main reason it's warranted, namely: Your country's name starts with the letters Cz. Hello? It's almost as bad as starting it with Vq. (Note: the Cz is pronounced like ch, and the ch is pronounced like k.) If you want us to pronounce your name right, spell it Checkia. If you spell it Czechia we're gonna pronounce it Kizzeecheea. Also, do they have to put accent marks on all their vowels? It takes forever to write a single sentence, which is why their greatest literary work, Metamorphosis, is a novella.

Also, is it really that important to have Check as part of the name? When Burma and Rhodesia and British Honduras changed names, they went with Myanmar, Zimbabwe and Belize. Not Bzurmia Rzodia, and Bzshhndrs.

Here, of the top of my head, are a few better possibilities for the new name:

Bosimo
East Germany
Wenceslas
New Chechnya
Kizzeecheea
Kafka
West Slovakia

Sell the book or sell the screenplay. Don't try to do both at once. And don't dictate the terms.

Summarize the plot. If the book includes a love story and would make a good movie, surely it  has a plot?

This is a business letter, not a place to be slick. Read the other 1310 queries on this site. Even the worst of them provide more information about the book than you do.

Guess the Plot

Nowhere

1. The true, unvarnished, non-whitewashed history of What Cheer, Iowa.

2. By teens and for teens, a compilation of hundreds of tried-and-true answers to your parents' question, "Where are you going."

3. F. Wu Chu High has crowded 1,100 students into a 15-classroom building. So why can't anyone find a date? And if Eunice does anyway, where can they hang out?

4. Trapped in Nowhere, three teens must take on weird creatures like people with their heads on backwards as they try to find their way to . . . Somewhere.

5. Doors always lead somewhere, unless you're talking about the door in Old Lady Morrison’s attic. She warned us to keep away, that it led to nowhere. She wasn’t lying. And now I’m trapped and I can’t find my way back.

6. Once she was a nowhere nobody who had nothing. Then she became a somebody, but still with nothing. Anyways, now she's getting somewhere.

7. Wizard-in-training Max has really screwed up this time: He wrote out the 'Now Here' scroll as "Nowhere". His Inscriptions trainer read it and vanished. It's up to Max and his friends to find her before she's lost forever in the Astral Plane. Also, a talking kestrel.



Original Version

Dear specific agent:

I am seeking representation for my 56,000 word YA novel Nowhere. Think Mazerunner meets Dante’s Inferno. [I'm trying, but all that comes to mind is a crazed Jack Nicholson in a hedge maze, but instead of snow on the ground there are burning coals.]

Guilt-ridden over the death of her three-year-old brother, [Guilt-ridden because she caused it?] a teenage PJ commits suicide. [Of the scores of possibilities Abbreviations.com provides for "PJ," the only one that makes sense in that sentence is "parajumper." Which does suggest how she committed suicide. However, I recommend spelling out the word.] But instead of joining her brother, she wakes in an ice[hyphen]coated cave[comma] cold, wet, and in complete darkness surrounded by lost souls circling beneath the ice. [Less wordy than "ice-coated cave, cold, wet, and in complete darkness" would be "dark ice cave." Also, if you're in complete darkness you wouldn't be able to see what's beneath the ice. And if the souls are beneath the ice, how can they be surrounding her?] [Also, whether she pulls her ripcord or not, a parajumper would land on the Earth's surface, not inside a cave.]

She escapes the ice cave [by cutting her parachute into strips and disguising herself as a mummy.] [She's in the cave, she's out of the cave. Why don't we just skip over the cave?] and meets nerdy, wisecracking Trey. [The fifth circle of hell: bad insult comedians.] As the two awkward teens search for answers and a way out of the creepy world, they grow close surviving backward headed Wanderers [How do they know the Wanderers are backward-headed and not backward-bodied?] and mutated pit guards. [Is there a pit? Are the pit guards keeping people out of the pit or inside the pit? How can a pit be so valuable that it needs guards?] PJ hides the truth of her suicide afraid he [Trey] will judge her and no longer like her. [Her name is PJ? I assume that's a nickname, but what I don't know is whether she got that nickname because she's a parajumper or because she wears pajamas everywhere.] [Possibly you should have said "teenager PJ" instead of "a teenage PJ." Or just called her Pamela Jean.]

Then PJ is abducted by carnivorous cliff guards, [What would happen if no one was guarding the cliff?] [Are carnivorous cliff guards better at guarding cliffs than vegetarian cliff guards?] where she [and] meets hot, quiet Reid in a corral of captives. They escape with Trey’s help [I never thought of a corral as a place a human would need help escaping from.]



and PJ finds herself attracted to both boys, igniting Trey’s jealousy.

As they trek through Nowhere, the three are stalked by the demon of shame and guilt. They must rely on each other to survive it and the other creatures created from human sin intent on destroying them and trapping them forever between life and death. [If you want to trap someone somewhere forever, it's best not to destroy them first.]

When PJ reaches the end of her journey, she is forced to face what she really wants and make her final choice out of Nowhere. [That sentence adds nothing. I'm not even sure what it means.]


Notes

I don't get much sense of story here. PJ finds herself in Nowhere, the land between life and death, after committing suicide. That's the setup, but the rest is basically a list of things she encounters as she strives to . . . get Somewhere? Does she have specific goals, like getting to Oz and getting the witch's broomstick, and getting home to Kansas? What makes her think anything the does is getting her closer to reaching her destination, whatever that is? Does she wake up in her bed with Auntie Em standing over her?

Maybe we need more about the love triangle. Is that the main story? How even in death a teenager can't escape boy problems? Or is it a road trip with no known destination, just keep moving and hope we find the exit? Is she searching for her dead brother? What's the glue that holds it all together?

Guess the Plot

Defender

1. Evil Queen Merylan's head goon Schultz wants a vacation. But he's the only guardsman who's survived every hero, champion, and assassin whose come after her. Hijinks ensue when the temp he hires attempts a coup d'etat. 
4. Move over Superman and Transformers. There's a new hero in town, one who fights off plaque, tartar and gingivitis. It's Defender toothpaste, available soon after my Kickstarter campaign reaches its goal.

5. When squeaky-clean Public Defender Brett Sarkesian is found dead in the bedroom of notorious Hollywood Madam Linda Cappelli, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things. One, he was shot somewhere else, because there's almost no blood; and two, it's a good thing he's at Cappelli's house on business, because otherwise he'd play Hell trying to explain this one to his wife.

6. When Defense Attorney Amy Sterling is taken to the world of Argonatia, she must defend Prince Cosmos, accused of a heinous crime. How could someone so attractive be guilty? she wonders. And how can she save him when in Argonatia "legal defense" means trial by combat?

7. Caden has always longed for the day he'd be a knight, defending the kingdom from the monsters that wander the countryside. But now that he's sixteen, and old enough to start training, aptitude tests show he's a healer, not a fighter. Well screw that! That's women's work! 

8. The A.I. security system "Defender" reaches the logical conclusion that the only way to protect humanity from itself is to take over the world. In an unexpected twist it turns out it was right, and absolutely nothing goes wrong.

9. In a reckless attempt by insurance companies to rig auto rates, fenders everywhere are disappearing. The insured band together to defend against The De-fender, never seen, only heard as a faint dropping of screws.

10. Varick has defended the keep, the maiden, and his honorable lord. Now if only he could convince them that what he was really doing was attacking them. 




Original Version

Dear [AGENTNAME],

Sixteen-year-old Caden believed he'd become a knight, like the legends he adored as a boy. Like all others growing up, he saw half his village killed from [by] predatory creatures wandering the countryside. [Villages get destroyed; villagers get killed.] [Who do you mean by "all others growing up"? Are you saying everyone saw half their village destroyed? Or are you just talking about Caden's village?] The kingdom trains fighters with innate magic then deploys deploy them across the continent, killing the monsters. But the academy tests demonstrate Caden is a healer, a job usually reserved for women and a talent too valuable to risk in combat. [Ah, a world in which women's work is considered more valuable than mens'. Way to cater to the gender of most readers.] 

Determined to correct this joke of fate (he's a boy, dang it--he wants to inflict wounds, not patch them!), he'd risk expulsion [rather] than spend the rest of his life on the sidelines babysitting the careless. [In a world where healers are too valuable to risk in combat and men are expendable, you'd think a male would be proud to achieve the coveted title of healer instead of whining that it's women's work. If tests showed I would make a better elementary school teacher than sewage worker, I wouldn't complain about being transferred.] But the headmasters refuse to hear his appeals. When he tries to join the after-school club for knights, the teacher overpowers and humiliates him. When he defends his dorrmmates' [dormmates'] honor after a prank goes wrong, the school punishes him for fighting.

Then he discovers an underground dueling club. At first, this looks like the way to prove himself, but the club is a pretense [front?] for a cabal thought wiped out after starting a civil war within the kingdom. Their blood rituals summon demoniac [demonic] behemoths, and the duelers have spilled a lot of blood.

But Caden can't link the clues before the monster is summoned. [Clues to what? Which monster?] Now with the school threatened and a second civil war on the horizon, Caden is faced with a choice: follow the path laid out and become an instrument of the kingdom or break free of his destiny and become something more. [If you mean become a highly valuable healer or an expendable knight, it's not clear why he suddenly has this choice. I'm better at blogging than at golf; I'm pretty sure if a war breaks out I won't be invited to join the PGA tour.] [Also, he's an instrument of the kingdom whether he's a knight or a healer. Is he considering a third option?]

DEFENDER is a 91,000 word YA fantasy with series potential. I have been previously published in "Electric Spec", "Stupefying Stories", and received an honorable mention in the 2010 "Writers of the Future" contest. My first novel MERM-8 was published by Musa in Fall 2014.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

I don't get the impression that the message of the story is that women are useful too, which Caden learns after choosing knighthood and getting wounded and patched up by a woman. So I don't see the need for "a job usually reserved for women" and "he's a boy, dang it." Can't he want to be a knight just because he always wanted it, without giving him a sexist attitude about it? 

The first two paragraphs are all setup. Condense them to something like:

Sixteen-year-old Caden has always aspired to knighthood, but academy tests have revealed his aptitude lies in healing, not fighting. The last thing this fearsome warrior wants is to spend the rest of his life patching wounds instead of inflicting them.

Then Paragraph 2 is where he joins a dueling club to prove himself, only to find it's a front for a cabal looking to start a civil war within the kingdom. Add something about the clues he finds and what he plans to do about his findings.

Then a paragraph about his choice. Who grants him this choice that he didn't have before? You've made it clear he would choose knight over healer. Does he now see a downside to that choice?

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1305 would like your opinion of this revision:


Dear Agent,

When Val is sentenced to death Slim, a [form of execution worse than hanging or the guillotine, one] lowly crystal miner, must escape his master’s fortress to save her. Unfortunately, he serves the Crimson God, a being with unlimited power. A horrible execution awaits all slaves who rebel, [They're all thrown into a vat of Death slime.] but he can’t turn his back on the girl he loves.

With the help of a mysterious slave, [Remove that comma and put it after "death" in the previous paragraph.] who knows more than he should, Slim sets out to gain his freedom. A fifty-foot stone wall surrounds the fortress and Mechanical guards swarm like insects protecting their hive. The rebels have one night and one chance to escape. [Because their fifty-foot ladder will change back into a guitar neck at the stroke of midnight.] [By "the rebels" do you mean Slim and the mysterious slave who knows more than he should? Or is there a full-scale rebellion underway? I'm not sure trying to escape necessarily makes you a rebel.]

On their journey, [Their journey? I take it they managed to get past the fifty-foot wall?] they discover that the precious crystals they mine are the ruminants of a great comet that struck the Earth a long time ago. [Did you mean "great comet" or "great cow farm"? Ruminant: an even-toed ungulate mammal that chews the cud regurgitated from its rumen. The ruminants comprise the cattle, sheep, antelopes, deer, giraffes, and their relatives. Wait, did you mean "remnants"? Maybe you should just say the crystals originated on the comet.] The fallen meteor was so powerful that it gave any individual who touched it superhuman abilities, turning men, like their master, into gods. [If it fell to Earth, it's called a meteorite.] Now that the rebels know his secret the Crimson God means to kill them himself. [As a horrible execution awaits all slaves who rebel, is it really that much worse if the Crimson God kills you himself?] Defeating a legion of mechanical guards seems impossible, but escaping from a master who can wield fire, control minds and turn into a snake is suicide. [Escaping isn't suicide; escaping is incredible. Fantastic. Trying to escape may be suicide, but they already did escape, right? I mean, they've been on a journey since the first sentence of this paragraph.] [Were they on a journey to wherever Val is to rescue her, or did they rescue her from the fortress and now she's on the journey with them?]

Crimson Soul, is a fantasy/young adult manuscript set complete at 90,000-words. I think this story might be a great addition to your literary catalog [I don't think agents have catalogs.] because you have represented novels like... My manuscript is available, in part or full, upon request. Thank you for your consideration.

Best Regards,


Notes

Well, it's no longer mostly setup, but I wouldn't call it much of an improvement. It's not a cohesive, organized summary of a story. The goal is to rescue Val, and she isn't mentioned after the first sentence. I'm not sure what it is the slave who knows more than he should knows, or what he does, so he probably doesn't need to be in the query. 

What makes escape possible this one night as compared to any other night?

Is there anyplace where they would be safe from the god with unlimited power? Is there anything that can do to kill the god? If the answers are no, no, it's hopeless. If the answers aren't no, no, tell us what the plan is.

Guess the Plot

The Darkening

1. Everything Lizzie thought she knew about love and life is turned on its head when her hairdresser makes a fateful mistake, and she learns that blondes actually don't have more fun.

2. As the Goths sack Rome, the only light is the lurid glare of burning cities. Octavia of Athens is determined to stop the insidious, creeping darkness. She seeks help from Charon, the ferryman of the dead, but will even he be able to stop the coming of... the Dark Ages?

3. With every step it is gloomier.
With every word it is angrier.
With every verse it is obscurer.
Thus comes the darkening to his dance. Never again will his audience be the same.

4. When every human being's shadow comes to life in the form of a monster intent on killing its owner, humanity is eradicated. Except for one guy who has stayed in a basement where light can't get at him. But will he survive when a girl shows up at his shelter . . . and she's glowing?

5. Led by the great Owl and a devious Naked Mole-rat, the nocturnal animals of the world have united in their cause: The Darkening. Only a rag-tag bunch of light-loving outcasts can save the great lightbulb in the sky. 

6. Statewide Cheerleading finals are coming up soon, and the team from Oceanview High has to really up their game if they want a crack at the win. Dayley Nuhes has a great idea: head to Seaside Spa and Salon and get their whole look changed from blonde beachbunnies to dusky daredevils.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

John Piscus’ single memory [Here's a writing tip everyone should know: If you never give a character a name that ends with the letter "s," you won't have to worry about whether the possessive form is created by adding apostrophe s or just apostrophe.] [Also, the only conceivable reason to give a character the silly name "Piscus" is because you're writing a limerick about a discus thrower.] is of the day he saved himself but let his wife and daughter be killed by their shadows.

A catastrophic event eradicated humanity by bringing every human’s shadow into life in the form of a monster intent on killing its owner. [That sounds impossible (because your shadow tends to be lying on the ground while you're standing up), until you realize that your shadow is perfectly positioned to trip you. And once you hit the ground, it has you.] John is one of the few survivors, and has to live in darkness with hardly any memory of his past, driven mad from guilt for saving himself instead of helping his wife and daughter. [Are the few survivors people who were in totally dark places (vampires sleeping in their coffins, for instance) when the catastrophe occurred, and have stayed there? Or are they people who were able to defeat their shadow monsters in combat?]

His survival is jeopardised when an equally amnesiac glowing girl shows up at his shelter begging for help. John’s first instinct is to protect himself from her light by killing her, but she reminds him so much of the daughter he failed. The girl is convinced that enemies are coming for both of them and insists they should leave the basement he’s been using for refuge, [Lemme guess, he doesn't believe her.] and risk the wilderness, even if it means exposure to light. [If humanity has been eradicated, then it's safe to assume shadows are pretty much invincible. Otherwise there'd be more than just a few people who've survived. But if shadows are invincible, how could John have saved his wife and daughter? How is anyone alive?

John is reluctant to trust her until terrifying troopers, [Alliteration makes them seem less terrifying; try "terrifying soldiers" or "fearsome troopers."] who are herding survivors and are unaffected by light, attack and incapacitate him and the girl, and take them to a military facility. [There seem to be a lot of characters, considering that humanity was eradicated.] There, John will learn the truth about his past and how the world ended, and uncover the facility’s true purpose. [They're planning to save mankind by extinguishing the sun.] At the cost [risk?] of dying, John will have to [must] rescue the girl from those in charge of the facility [It's easier to rescue someone being held captive if you aren't also being held captive.] or risk losing [lose] not only the one person he cared for since his family’s demise, but also his [last] chance for atonement. [Better than puzzling over the pretty colors would probably be cutting this paragraph off after "true purpose." I doubt John will really feel that rescuing this girl has atoned for letting his wife and daughter die. Especially if they have no safe place to go if he does manage to rescue her.]

THE DARKENING is a 97,000 word post-apocalyptic horror novel. It will appeal to readers who enjoyed the melancholy mood and tone of Cormac McCarthy’s The Road and P. D. James’ The Children of Men. [Not much you can do about real people whose names end in "s."]

I am a bilingual Greek who studied and lived in Scotland for five years. My short stories have appeared in online magazines, including Voluted Tales, Eternal Haunted Summer, and 9 Tales Told in the Dark.

Thank you for your time and consideration


Notes

You need a better term than "eradicated"; how about "not eradicated."

Are the shadow monsters solid three-dimension creatures? Do they devour their owners after killing them, or are there seven billion corpses lying around on the planet? Once a shadow monster kills its owner, is it free to go do other stuff?

When you say the troopers are unaffected by light, do you mean they don't have shadows?

Is there an explanation for why only human shadows come to life?

It seems like everyone would be wiped out so fast that there'd be no one alive to alert those who weren't wiped out to stay in the dark.

Possible explanations: 1. The troopers aren't affected because they aren't human. 2. Not everyone is affected because shadows becoming monsters isn't an ongoing phenomenon; if you were in the dark at the time of the catastrophe, you survived and no longer have to worry about your shadow.

Possibly it would help to know what the catastrophic event was and who (if anyone) is behind it.

Most of my comments involve the premise, not the query. The query needs to shine a light on some of the issues I've brought up, instead of keeping us in the dark.