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Let’s talk for a moment about why I misfiled my tax extension. Melty Jello brain aside, bad software design almost cost my little family $2,500.
Background:
When I’m not wrestling a one-year-old into tiny shoes, I’m a User Experience Designer. This means I work with software companies to create easy-to-understand interfaces.
It also means that when I screw up my tax extension, I look very carefully at the software path that got me there.
Dramatic Reenactment:
It was April. I needed to file an extension. Like most Bay Area tech nerds, I hate mail. I consider it a personal affront if I have to print out a form, write an address, locate stamps, and put a letter in the whatsit…mailbox…thing. Naturally, my first step was to search irs.gov for “file extension online“.
Problem one: Too many results
The IRS site is too damned helpful. There were 948 results for my search. Many results were press release or blog type articles hinting at the existence of online extension filing, but containing no direct links. I wanted to find one or two good matches. Instead, I found a sea of irrelevance.
Problem two: Too many names
I hopped down a bunny trail for about ten minutes, searching for a feature alternately referred to as “E-file an extension”, “Free file”, “Freefile”, “Free Fillable Forms”, “Free File Fillable Forms”, “Free Federal Extension”, “Form 4868″, “Traditional Free File”, and “IRS e-file”.
Problem three: Inconsistent design
I eventually landed on a modern-looking site that seemed likely. I clicked “Get Started” and wandered through four increasingly less-well-designed pages which jumped from site to site, forcing me to read and parse options despite having already told the system what I wanted.
Problem three: Asshole account requirement
The eventual winner was a page called “Free File Fillable Forms” which required me to create an account and update my Flash plugin. I was already logged in to irs.gov, but that didn’t count. I created “a password that is different than my User ID, between 8 and 32 characters, and contains at least 1 number and 1 symbol”. All the eye-rolling gave me a headache.
Problem four: Misleading email
I received a spammy looking ALL CAPS email telling me my account had been created. I filled out the IRS extension form, which was the easiest part of the process. I submitted, and received another spammy ALL CAPS email saying “Your federal return was successfully transmitted”.
At this point, I fell on the bed and whined to my husband for several minutes about information architecture. Then I fell asleep, secure in the certainty that I had filed an automatic extension. Taxes wouldn’t be bothering us for a few more months, by which time we would certainly be getting more sleep.
Mon
0 Comments on How FreeFile Almost Cost Me Plenty as of 1/1/1900
I’m sending out my novel today. Long ago, when submissions were paper, writers and authors often went through rituals to send out a manuscript for their novel or picture book.
A lucky cat had to sit on the manuscript.
It had to mailed with certain types of stamps.
You kissed the envelope for luck.
IN these days of digital submissions, what is your favorite ritual before hitting the SEND button? Please leave a comment and share your rituals. I need to know what works!
Email is a weird thing. It's different from the old snail-mail letters because it's an almost daily form of communication. And, as many of you know, there are rules to email etiquette, things that those of us who are savvy in email know about and those who aren't, don't. If you don't feel you're up on email etiquette, but are entering a business relationship (with editors and agents), I would suggest you bone up on what you need to know.
While I'm certainly no etiquette maven, here are some mistakes I've seen over the years, and I'm sure many of you see them as well.
1. All caps means you're yelling. Do NOT use all caps or caps lock unless you are truly angry and plan on yelling at your agent or editor. Even if we know you didn't intend to yell at us, it's hard to get your screaming voice out of our head as we're reading.
2. Subject lines are for a subject, not for the entire message. If an author types the entire message in the subject line and not in the email, I can't help but feel I'm being chastised. Like the author was angry and couldn't even reach the actual email space.
3. Speaking of subjects: If possible, make your subject relate to your email. That way, before even opening it I get a glimpse of what you're getting in touch about.
4. If possible avoid using fancy templates. They look great when you're composing your email, but they never seem to translate well in the sending. Basically, they usually just make an email difficult to read. Plain white emails with black, simple type work best for me.
5. Keep the message thread alive. Set up your email so that the message thread (the message you're replying to) remains at the bottom of the email. This is especially helpful with queries so that I know what query you're referring to, but also with client emails so that, if needed, I can take a quick perusal of the conversation.
6. Make sure your professional contacts are not included in chain email, or funny forwards.
7. If you have a spam clearance on your email, make sure to clear people you are expecting replies from. This is especially true of queries.
There are probably more tips that others can think of, but these are the common problems I most often see.
Jessica
29 Comments on Email Etiquette, last added: 6/14/2011
Another reason to avoid email templates is that sometimes the receiving servers strip the pretty graphics out and add them as an attachment -- your email may get deleted without ever being read.
I found your number two interesting. When I was in the corporate world people preferred I put the message in the subject if it was possible. It saved time from opening the email.
I would also add another rule: include salutations on every email. Some people are fine with starting the email right away, but for business emails, one should always address a person.
I also think it helps to have an e-mail address that's your name. When it's initials and numbers, or something only you would know, it gets frustrating.
I'd like to second Anna - it annoys me when people don't take the time to greet me before jumping in to the body of the email. If you're replying to a quick question, no salutation is fine, but otherwise, I just think it's polite to say "Hello Jane," or something first.
Follow the simple rules of grammar and check your spelling. It's hard for me to take anyone seriously as it relates to the business of writing if it's chock full of simple errors.
I didn't LOL but I kind of gasped at the rule about not including professional contacts in funny forwards. I would say that's a no brainer, but I suppose it needs to be said. No email is so funny that it should be sent to your entire contacts list. Ever. In fact most of those aren't even very funny...
I find number 2 to be a serious annoyance in my line of work. I do payroll for a living and it makes me very upset when the person I'm corresponding with can't be bother with putting the original message and replies in the body of the e-mail.
Regarding the message thread, if the topic of the message no longer resembles the subject title, please change the subject title to what it really is. I have received tons of email threads that started out about one thing and ten messages strung together later, the topic has totally flipped to something else. Makes me nuts. An ex-advertising client of mine would do that constantly, then get upset when i couldn't find the message she was referring to. That's part of why she's an ex-client now.
I'm glad you put #5 in there. I typically do that, but sometimes I don't know if I ought to leave all that stuff in there or not, and if it makes me look like some loser/idiot who doesn't know how to delete old emails or something. Hur hur.
I think it's a good idea to make a separate email address strictly for business/writing correspondence, that way you're never getting the wrong email addresses in there or goof and send a stupid forward to your dream agent. I actually have three - one for friends/family, one for business, and one for spam and all the random junk I toss my email to.
You said, "Entire message in subject line? I didn't know one could do that."
I don't think this is what Jessica was referring to, but sometimes at work I'll send a brief message that is a subject only. For example, I might write my boss with the subject, "I'm Sick And Working From Home (EOM)"
If it's not clear, (EOM) means "End Of Message."
Just my $0.03.
Anonymous said, on 6/13/2011 10:01:00 PM
It is very common in the corporate world to put the message in the subject line. I don't like it one bit, but it is done for a reason so I deal with it as needed.
When I can lord it over somebody to do things my way, I do it. When somebody can lord it over me to do things their way, I do it. Most often, it is a draw and we both do what we want. LOL
I searched the web the other day for etiquette about the subject line only because I have an offender in my world. While I *love* hearing it bothers others too, suggesting the EOM will be a great thing.
Great stuff, Jessica! I have one question, the norm these days is to type the title of a book in all caps, would you warn against this as part of the yelling rule? Would you use the old-school quotation marks instead?
Feel free to stop and read old order Mennonite Jeans post on Amish Stories. In this post she talks about pen-pals,what sells for her at the farmers market, and taking relaxing drives in her buggy. only seen in Amish Stories. thanks folks. Richard
If you keep emailing back and forth, the old conversation can get very loooong. Sometimes I cut out the oldest parts and type SNIP so the recipient knows it's been abbreviated. This is especially important for people who type their replies under the old message rather than on top of it....
I believe the standard for e-queries is to place the word Query in the subject line of the e-mail. But what if you are contacting the agent for a second time. An agent passed on my manuscript and was kind enough to tell me exactly what wasn’t working for her. She also mentioned she saw promise in me as a writer and would be open to future projects.
I rewrote, and my manuscript is stronger because of her feedback (it also has a new title). I would like to resubmit and notate her feedback in the body of the e-mail. But what is the best subject line for this kind of query: Re-query, re-submission, submission follow-up, feedback follow up, or am I fretting over the wrong thing? I'm concerned that with the hundreds of other new queries she will be receiving, mine will be placed at the bottom without a subject line that makes reference to a previous connection.
Every agent handles their queries differently so it's hard to know exactly what this particular agent might do. Here's what I do:
All queries need to have either the word "query" or "submission" in the subject line. I have cleared those words from my spam filter and set up a rule in my email program to ensure that not only do they end up in a query folder, but that you receive an automatic reply telling you your query has been received.
I skim through my query folder almost daily just to see what's there. If you are re-querying me I will eventually get to your query, so putting "query" or "submission" is probably the best thing to do. If you want to note that you made revisions, put something like "query for requested revisions" so that your book will stand out, but still clear the spam filters.
What if you get an offer? Most people will email me with the subject line "offer of representation," and honestly, I think most of these clear the filters. By not putting "query" or "submission" those "offer of representation" emails end up in my regular email inbox and stand out a little better. The problem is those pesky spam filters. An email like that could still get stuck, so if you haven't heard from the agent in a day or two after notifying her of an offer, email again with "query offer of representation" in the subject so that you guarantee clearing the spam filters.
Now, all that being said, I don't think that many emails really end up in the spam filters. On the occasion I take the time to look through them, what I typically find is spam. Lots and lots of spam. Rarely do I find a stray email from a client, editor, or author.
Do you know the book, Fortunately by Remy Charlip?* My life has seemed a lot like that book for the last six weeks, especially my website:
Unfortunately, the company that hosts my website had a catastrophic server failure about six weeks ago, which meant no website, blog, or email.
Fortunately, they fixed it in about a week.
Unfortunately, my site and blog were missing pages, my email still didn’t work, and my blog kept disappearing and reappearing.
Fortunately, they let me switch to a new server.
Unfortunately, my blog disappeared for good.
Fortunately, my blog returned about a week later (nobody knows why). And it has a cool new design and background image!
Unfortunately, my email has now disappeared and they don’t know why. (Great timing, since I just gave out a couple hundred postcards and business cards with my email on them at the LA SCBWI conference** this weekend.) Update: email is back up and running!
Fortunately, I have another website for my pen name (Ani Louise), so if you’re trying to email me, please send it to: al (at) anilouise.com. I’m crossing my fingers that my sruble.com email will be back up and running again soon! Update: email is back up and running!
Unfortunately, I have food poisoning and had to stay in LA for an extra day.
Fortunately, the hotel had a room available and I was able to switch my flight. And I’m starting to feel a bit better. Should be able to fly home tomorrow (crossing my fingers).
Catastrophic server failure — those are three scary words. But I’m glad things are looking up and your website is terrific! I had fun checking out your portfolio and project list. Great stuff. Crossing my fingers that your email returns.
stephanie said, on 8/9/2011 5:22:00 PM
Thanks C.K.! I have email again – yay! Unfortunately, I have food poisoning and couldn’t go home today, but I’m starting to feel better, so it’s all good. Fortunately I’ll be able to fly home tomorrow.
C.K. said, on 8/10/2011 1:21:00 PM
Poor you! ‘Food poisoning’ are two more rotten words. I hope you’re feeling much better.
stephanie said, on 8/11/2011 10:02:00 AM
Thanks C.K.! I was well enough to travel yesterday. Still taking it easy with food but I feel better and am happy to be home
Did you miss the VMAs last night? (If so, don’t worry, we’ve got you covered! Katy Perry and Lady Gaga were the big winners of the night — surprise surprise — and of course some of the other usual suspects including Justin Bieber and Britney... Read the rest of this post
David Lee King shares his digital branch’s style guide. A little long, but all recommendations are simple, clearly explained and sensible. Oh look, they spell email just like normal people do, yay! Style guides do more than just help you be consistent, they also set a tone for best practices for people who don’t know as much about the online environment as others. Nice job, David.
1 Comments on I am terribly jealous of the digital branch style guide, last added: 2/13/2009
I am excited to say that both WAKE (paperback) and FADE made the NYT Bestseller lists this week, both at number ten. That's ten weeks for FADE. Pretty cool milestone. Also, FADE made it onto Publishers Weekly's list as well for the second time.
Also exciting? Check out the FUNKY cover for the UK/Australia edition of WAKE. I think it comes out in November!
It was a fun week, no? However, the week was frustrating, too. My email was acting up. Behaving badly. Very naughty. But it appears to be working again. The sad thing is that I lost about a week's worth of fan email. So if you wrote to me through my website form anytime from April 7 - 13, please feel free to write to me again and I'll try to respond as quickly as I can.
If you wrote before April 7 or after April 13, I have your email, I just didn't have a chance to respond yet. I'm running about a month behind. Thanks for being patient.
Let me answer a few of your burning questions now:
1. I have not sold movie rights yet. I don't have any control over making a movie. I write books, Hollywood people make movies. If someone from Hollywood wants to make a WAKE movie, I will be sure to let you know.
2. GONE is the third and final book in the WAKE trilogy. It will come out next spring, likely February or March. I will not post a summary of it until I have one, and then I will. No, I don't know when that will be. :) I will also post the cover when I have it.
3. I have been suddenly inundated with requests for book donations for auctions, charities, library fundraisers, and other worthy causes. I love to donate books. I'm generous and like to help people. However, I am running out of books, money for postage, and time to do mailings and stand in line at the post office. I'm really sorry.
Also, I have to ask you a favor.
If you've written an email to me, and I've written back, I'm probably in your address book. And when you forward your chain email/jokes/etc to your entire address book, you send it to me (and all the other authors you've ever written to). This? Is not fun for us, especially when a lot of you do it. Please don't send us your junk mail. I know you didn't realize you were doing it, and it's okay. But now you know. Thank you for taking me out of your address book! :)
Thanks all!
5 Comments on Let's talk about email, last added: 5/18/2009
Hey Wheezy... love the different look of the UK/Aussie cover! I'd like to get a copy of one if it should ever make its way over to North America or if I should happen to find myself in England one day.
Keep it up, you're on a major roll and *snif* it's amazing that we knew ye way back when 'Wake' was merely a zygote in your mind. :-)
It may seem like this is a self-serving message designed to solicit “good job” replies, but that isn’t my intent. I started the list because I personally wanted help, and that’s exactly what I got. I’ve had 15 years worth of other people solving my problems and giving me useful advice. If there is a balance somewhere keeping track, I’d expect it to be sinking on the side of what I owe you all, not the other way around. Thanks for being here,
Roy
1 Comments on happy fifteenth birthday web4lib, last added: 5/28/2009
So far, January has been a very exciting month! After the holidays, a plethora of great books are arriving from amazon.com, and I have been flying through graphic novels and trades such as Invincible, the Goon, Joe Mad's Ultimates 3, and Jim Lee's Superman run (hey, I am a fan of the last two. I don't care what other think). I also picked up two volumes of Drawn to Life, a series of books showcasing the teaching materials of Disney animator Walt Stanchfield. Its a real "back to roots" type of approach from what I've skimmed so far. And I just finished Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell; its a very interesting read and really inspiring. I recently read Gladwell's Blink, and I also recommend it if you are interested in how you make unconscious decisions. I think both of Gladwell's book have helped me with my previous post about how I am reading up on why we draw, how the brain works for artists, etc.
Wow, when do I have time to work with so many books?!? Well, honestly, I'm sleeping less to fit everything in!
Also, as a holiday treat, I purchased the new imac to replace this slowly eroding G4. Its so cool. Sadly, I have not had time to set everything up on it so I am still working on the ol' battle-axe until I turn in some projects on Monday. So once final art is approved I will allow this sleek new technology to seduce me.
What else is going on? Well, I just started an illustrator collective called Illostop. We are a group of young illustrators with similar interests and goals. Check out our blog featuring art and sketches here. We are also on facebook and twitter if you would like to be updated regularly on new work.
Speaking of blogs, I also want to share fellow illustrator Pete Ryan's blog, nonslick. Pete is a smart conceptual illustrator, and nonslick is a blog where he interviews art ditectors and illustrators. Its definitely a worthwhile place to spend your time!
And now for some art. Here is a new editorial recently completed for Carli at Macworld. The article's focus was using IMAP to link all of your email accounts/locations so that you can access any of your email from anywhere. Whoa, technology. I can't wait for the future beyond 2010. the final art:
And here are the sketches: The article spoke about how one would be able to access desktop email remotely via iphone.
For those who have my old email address filed somewhere, I've changed it to catephoenix (at) gmail (dot) com. The old address will remain viable for a few more weeks. You can also contact me via the 'contact' button above. I've decided to go for an online email account so that I don't feel tied to my broadband provider.
After another pleasant conversation with Virgin Media's call centre, I've decided I'm going to switch providers. I had the audacity to sign up for their wireless router (as advertised) and the cheek to enquire about the installation date so that I could book the day off work. The staff have a knack of turning the most routine question into a nightmare. I shall be glad to have my wings unclipped.
On a cheery note - because I hate frowning me. My new (well old actually, as the gmail account already existed, I just didn't use it) email has cute ninjas. This fact unimpressed my brother who had to suffer my squeals of excitement. You'd think he'd be used to me by now. Plus, I've created a new rejection folder that has no rejections in... Eek! Done it now.
Most excellent things that changing my email has done for me:
1. Cute Ninjas 2. On contacting an editor I had a submission with to advise of email change, I discovered my story was accepted for their publication. Yay! 3. On contacting an editor I've had an acceptance with for about a year, I discovered my story will be in the fall issue. Woot! 4. Cute Ninjas
That is all.
20 Comments on New Email kicks Old Emails Ass, last added: 5/11/2010
Look at you!! Four happy things as opposed to one frowny thing. W00T! Great job on the publications... that fly is starting to bring you good luck. I can feel it. :D
When the kids come in with files from Office 2010 and Mac Office we always have issues. Our machines have Windows XP and Office 2003. How do we cope?
1. Google Docs is your friend. In almost any situation, Google Docs will take a file and open it so that a student can edit, print, save in another format.
2. Teaching students how to save in another format is NOT a waste of time but a time saver when the going gets tough. We prefer Rich Text because that format is available in all the platforms with all the software.
3. Emailing files can help provide evidence that the student had the work, they just can’t open it today. If we get the chance we try to ask them to copy and paste the document into their message, rather than attach it. Then we can copy and paste into our available word processing program or print directly from email.
4. Open Office is important for those students who have a computer but no money for software. Become familiar with it so you can help.
Coping with out of date technology is the fine art of making it work for your patrons. They can struggle to make technology work too, they just don’t obsess about it. They find a way around it. Take their attitude and make it your own.
I’ve been reading with interest the news stories lately about Epsilon. For those of you who don’t know Epsilon is a company that does marketing. Many companies give Epsilon customer lists and Epsilon uses that information to, say, email you about the latest Hilton Honors promotions. Except that there was a data breach and Epsilon lost up to 250 million email addresses
along with information such as who those people were customers of. So, for example, they’d have my email address and the knowledge that I was a Hilton Honors member. So, a lot of people got emails in the last mont from companies saying “Um, be especially on the lookout for phishing attacks” and a lot of people were asking “Why did Epsilon have my email address in the first place, didn’t I sign a privacy policy with Company X?” And the answer is complicated. When you let Hilton Honors use your information to send you marketing information you are, in a way, letting them give the email address to marketing companies.
The reason I care about this at all is two reasons. One, there is a useful analog with libraries and how they handle their email lists of patrons. Obviously patron data is private and comes under whatever privacy laws a state has and whatever policies the library has. But is a library allowed to market to patrons? Or give these lists to peopl to market on the library’s behalf? This was the concern when the public library in Dixon California emailed patrons to let them know about ongoing library renovation plans and asked them to consider making donations. People who are not pleased with the library renovations, the Dixon Carnegie Library Preservation Society, is arguing that the librarian acted improperly when they gave patron email addresses to a consulting company without patron consent. Now let me just state I pretty well side with the library on this one, but it’s sure to be an increasingly contentious topic as libraries have more and more diffrent kinds of patron data to keep private.
And the second reson is just a cautionary tale. Many people with iphones are aware by now that the phone tracks where you go. I mean it has to in order to be a phone, but it stores this data in unencrypted form on both the phone and the synced compueter, forever. This means that anyone with access to a simple open source tool such as this one can make lovely maps like the one above. Good to know, and good to understand. As libraries move more towards mobile applications and mobile awareness generally, understanding how this sort of data works will be an important part of making sure we know how, when and why to keep it private.
5 Comments on privacy and library data: email, IPs and &c., last added: 4/23/2011
I don’t side with the library in California and would be quite upset with any library that used my email or other contact information to fund-raise or otherwise market to me. One of the member libraries in our Consortium has a fairly large and sophisticated marketing department as well as a fund-raising staff.
Neither marketing staff nor fund-raising staff ever use contact information from the integrated library system to contact patrons. This information is solely for contacting patrons to let them know about holds or overdue materials. Patrons must agree separately to be contacted about fund-raising or other marketing materials. As it should be, in my opinion.
jessamyn said, on 4/21/2011 11:22:00 AM
Good point — I think that generally it’s important to delineate what email addresses are going to be used for, but it seems like updates on building projects and requests to help are at least somewhat under the heading of library buisiness.
In my dream world I think I’d be more where you are: that it’s not okay to use email addresses for anything outside of the ILS without express written permission. That said, I’d also rather that libraries were up front about all of this at the point at which they acquired email addresses and for the most part [overgeneralizing but I feel fairly confidently in the ballpark] they’re not, at least in smalltown america. So it seems to me that these are two factions — the preservation people, the library people — who are at odds generally and the email addresses are a bit of a red herring to the larger problem. And, annoyingly for me, I’d rather the old library was saved because I’m traditional like that. This may be a case where I needed to do more background research before I confidently stated which side I was on. Thanks for commenting.
Spencer Smith said, on 4/21/2011 1:07:00 PM
Why not just have an option or check box that asks if it’s ok for hte library to use this information to contact them about library services and programs?
That seems to work for the entire business world. You could put a note on every record to have them accept or decline communications like this the next time they check out. It’s upfront, honest, and a process they are all used to working with.
Privacy and Marketing said, on 4/23/2011 12:39:00 AM
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Head Tale - Saturday Snap – The World’s Most B said, on 4/23/2011 1:14:00 AM
[...] West wrote about this and linked to a small app you can download which can help you visualize what this secret file reveals about [...]
Borders’ CEO Mike Edwardshas written an email to the 41 million members of the Borders Rewards loyalty program. In his note, Edwards promised customers that if they can’t find a desired book in a Borders store, the bookseller will order it and priority ship it free of charge to the customer’s home.
According to AnnArbor.com, this free service will be available until June 12th. The article offered this quote from the email: ”I hope you visit your neighborhood Borders and find that special book that speaks to you personally … It’s our way of showing our appreciation for your continued support and loyalty.”
Currently, Borders continues to struggle to reach an agreement with publishers about future book shipments. As we noted earlier, Edwards emphasized that Borders’ ability to weather the crisis is dependent on the support of publishers. What do you think?
TAMMY 40-something avid Elvis fan and wife of Len LEN 40-something husband of Tammy ELVIS, former big star/singer/performer
THE TIME The present
THE PLACE Jackson’s 7-11 GAS BAR AND DINER
Photos of Elvis cover a large portion of one wall and Elvis songs play non-stop. There is a table with two chairs on one side of the room, while the other side of the room has the usual gas station displays of motor oil, etc.
AT RISE:
TAMMY and LEN are seated at a table, looking around the room
Len (Scrutinizing the surroundings) Um…who recommended this place?
TAMMY (reading small book) The restaurant guide write up says it’s fine dining with a difference
LEN Fine dining if you’re a rat! Did you happen to notice that a cockroach just crawled out of our breadbasket? Must be one that escaped the Chef’s special catch-of-the-day
TAMMY Stop being so negative and take in the atmosphere
LEN You mean the “eau du garbage” coming from the back? Phew!
TAMMY You’re so…provincial in your thinking, sweetheart. Look at all this authentic ‘60’s décor!
LEN More like early condemned. Take a look at this place. Every square inch of wall space is covered with faded Elvis photos and the man’s been dead for how many years?
TAMMY That the beauty of this place! It’s like a shrine devoted to “The King”
LEN Are you saying that this…this garage and one-table-café was the King of Rock and Roll’s eatery of choice? Not!
TAMMY For your information they say he used to eat fried chicken here and sometimes he even entertained diners
LEN Was that before or after he turned into the Goodyear blimp? If I had known we were coming here to eat, I’d have checked to make sure my insurance policy was paid up
TAMMY You know how long I hadda wait to get reservations for this restaurant…
LEN …obviously not long enough…
TAMMY …seven months! If you think I’m going to give up the chance to dine here…
LEN And a fine dining establishment it is – if you’re into salmonella poisoning
TAMMY Get a grip! The waiter is coming to try to act normal, if that’s possible
(the waiter dressed in an Elvis jumpsuit struts over, swinging his hips in a typical Elvis-like walk. He smoothes the sides of his hair with his hands, frequently)
WAITER (swinging his hips between every word) Evening folks’. Need a menu? Uh-huh – oh yeah…
LEN No. We prefer to use ESP to order. Of course we need a menu!
TAMMY Don’t mind my husband – I don’t. Leave the menu and we’ll choose
LEN All these dishes are Elvis songs. “Bee bop a lu-la chicken wings…” The Love Me Tender t-bone looks interesting and it comes with fries and a “I Did It My Way” salad. Look at this. Says here on the menu that all their steaks are aged to perfection. Wonder if they mean that their meat is yesterday’s road kill?
TAMMY Have you considered that your cranial spark plugs have stopped kicking in? I can’t make up my mind – so many choices…
(the waiter comes over to take the order)
LEN Are all those dishes served a la carte?
WAITER (swinging hips) No – on a plate. Uh-huh…
TAMMY Just go and choose something already, will ‘ya?
WAITER Want me to come back, folks? Uh-huh…
LIGHTS DIM
TAMMY Ssshhh! Quiet! The shows is gonna begin
SOUND: GUITAR TWANG
LEN I don’t see why we hav’ta be quiet. Cheez – I can hear the sound of someone pumping gas outside…
(The song from “2001: A Space Odyssey” is heard and the clerk dressed in a mechanic’s uniform on the other side of the room walks in front of the counter holding a hand mic:
CLERK “For you entertainment and plea-sure, the King has entered the building!”
(An over-weight bordering-on-obese man dressed in a white jump suit enters stopping to pose while leaning on a cane. A wide belt hangs well below a sagging stomach; black avaiator glasses covers his eyes and a badly-fitting black wig sits lob-sided towards the front of his head) CLERK “Direct from his engagement at the luxurious Pink Flamingo Laundromat and Bank Drive Thru in Tijuana, Mex-i-co, the management of Jackson’s 7/11 and Diner is pround to present, “the” King of Rock’n’Roll himself, the one – the only – El-vis!”
(A bent over Elvis slowly makes his way to the other side of the room. He stoops over to kiss Len, who pushes him way:
ELVIS “Whoops – sorry. Gotta get my eyes checked
(he whips out a dirty handkerchief, spits on it and cleans his eyes and replaces it in a back pocket)
ELVIS (in a weak squeaky voice) Thank y’all very much! It’s the first time I been back this way goin’ on twenty years…or maybe it’s thirty… Anyway… Good to see y’all ain’t fergetten the King
(whips out his handkerchief again and blows his nose)
ELVIS Guess I ain’t the same Elvis you remember a ways back, huh? But then who is?
(starts coughing and choking. Scantily dresses nurses rush over to pat him on the back
ELVIS See? I still got it but now I don’t know what to do with it! Thank y’all very much… Listen ladies – go see if you can find my extra set of dentures that I left in a steak yesterday.
(starts to choke again and a well-endowed female doctor wearing tight fitting clothing enters, with a stethoscope draped around her neck)
DOCTOR Now Mr. Elvis – honey – you know you gotta take it easy. Your ticker ain’t what it used to be
Elvis (laughing and staring at her breasts) Yeah but ask me if I care. Thank you all very much. And now before the spaceship comes to take me away, I’m gonna sing you a personal favourite of mine…
(Elvis sings the first few lines of “My Way” completely off-key
LEN (starting to get up) Oh fer… We’re not gonna stay and listen to this… The man is obviously senile
(sound of tires squeaking to a stop and the slam of car doors)
ELVIS Uh-oh…they’re coming back…I knew they’d find me… Damn aliens!
(Two male “punkers” i.e. pink/green/purple hair wearing white outfits move on either side of Elvis and take his arms)
MALE 1 C’mon pops. You got another gig at Wilsons Shop-A-Rama…
ELVIS But…but…I ain’t finished my set, yet!
MALE 1 (shaking his head and winking at Len and Tammy)
You don’t wanna be late for your big entrance.
ELVIS Where’s my peanut butter and banana sandwich. I caint sing without it!
MALE 1 Here you are…
(the two men start to lead Elvis off the stage but Elvis stops and addresses the couple)
ELVIS Thank you all very much!
(Elvis walks over, signs a piece of paper and hands it to Len and then exits with the men)
LEN (addressing waiter) That was not “the” Elvis Presley now, was it? You got us here under false pretences. And that’s against the law, y’know!
WAITER The guy is 72 years old. Whad’ya expect? He’s got two hip replacements and a bad knee and his shaking days are behind him. By the way, know that piece of paper he handed you?
LEN I really couldn’t care less about the man’s autograph… In fact this is what I think of you AND your Elvis
(LEN rips up the piece of paper into small pieces)
WAITER You shouldn’t have done that. Uh-uh…
LEN Elvis my a-s-s!
WAITER That piece of paper would’a given you a tank of gas with your meal. Oh well…uh-huh…
(Len throws himself down on the floor picking up the pieces of paper trying to put them together)
LEN A tank of gas is a tank of gas…
VOICE OVER “The King has left the building”
0 Comments on Elvis – The Real Story
By Eleanor Tylbor
CAST OF ... as of 5/16/2007 6:25:00 AM
Many of the literary agents today invite email queries from authors. Some accept only email queries, while others accept only snail mail. Email seems to offer a convenient, economical means of reaching an agent and getting a faster reply, but it has some pitfalls which writers should be aware of. If a writer drafts his query letter in a word processor program, like MS-WORD, and then copies and pastes it into an email, problems can and do occur. This may happen because email does not recognize your word processor's formatting codes. In reviewing many agent blogs and writers' comments, the most common problem is the use of 'smart quotes' by WORD. These are the curly-shape quote marks that also have different shapes at the beginning and end of a quote (most writers recommend turning this feature off in WORD). The email recipient will see smart quotes reproduced as a clump of strange symbols on his end of the transmission. Other WORD formatting that will be lost and replaced by other strange symbols are italics, bolds, and em symbols (conversion of double dashes into a single long dash). To avoid these problems, the writer should save his WORD document as a Text file, then copy and paste from the text file into the email. This should resolve those particular problems. Some writers advised an intermediate step of copying the WORD file into a Notepad, or other Text-editing file, and then copying from there into the email. However, that shouldn't be necessary; copying from a WORD text file should be sufficient.
The next problem occurs if the agent requests sample pages be included after the query, and within the body of the email. Indents and double spacing within the paragraph will be lost when copying and pasting from the WORD manuscript into the email. It appears that the best the writer can do to improve the appearance for the benefit of the agent-reader is to manually insert a blank space between paragraphs. The email format does not allow providing double spacing within paragraphs, as is customary when submitting hardcopy manuscripts.
The situation is a little daunting yet, and has led some agents not to accept email queries, but hopefully things will improve in the future. Hang in there, writers—and agents.
0 Comments on email query tangles as of 1/1/1900
Bruce said, on 6/26/2007 6:00:00 AM
It seems like catching an agent's attention is almost as hard--if not harder--than writing the book itself.
You're right to offer encouragement to hang in there. It's a long road, without any guarantees. But I can't imagine another road that I'd rather follow, can you?
I belong to a few listservs that I never really intend to post to. (Oops, I think I just admitted to lurking.)
But the reason I lurk is to learn...these listservs are mostly made up of librarians/teachers/academicians, who are a lot smarter than me and have a different perspective of literature for young people -- a perspective I find helpful and interesting and informative.
Once in a very great while I'll post privately, if I have a question or comment that I think is pertinent.
So yesterday I sent one of those private posts, suggesting MY book for a particular use for a particular librarian, because I thought MY book fit pretty perfectly with what she was looking for. Still, it felt a little weird because I don't really like to toot my own horn, but it was just one post to one person, so what the heck, right? I was polite; professional. A little humble one-on-one tooting can be a good thing.
So you can guess what happened next.
So how come SOME listservs are set up so that REPLY means your message goes only to the sender, but on other listservs, REPLY goes to everyone? Why doesn't my email program provide an idiot-proof confirmation like it does for deleting messages and such?:
WARNING! Are you SURE you want to send your message to THIS address??
Would you like to be a part of a storytelling conference call that supports you in your use of storytelling with children? If so, then enter your name and email address and you will receive personal invitations to participate in The Art of Storytelling with Children Conference call - most Tuesdays at 8pm Eastern.
Name:
Email:
Share your thoughts on the call, connect with old time storytellers and ask questions to experts in the field.
I will not share or give away your email address.
And don’t forget to subscribe by iTunes or your browser to The Art of Storytelling with Children Podcast so you can get weekly inspirations from Bother Wolf direct to your desktop. Read the info on the right to find out how. It’s free and it’s super simple.
0 Comments on Join the Art of Storytelling with Children Podcast as of 1/1/1990
Would you like to be a part of a storytelling conference call that supports you in your use of storytelling with children? If so, then enter your name and email address and you will receive personal invitations to participate in The Art of Storytelling with Children Conference call - most Tuesdays at 8pm Eastern.
Name:
Email:
Share your thoughts on the call, connect with old time storytellers and ask questions to experts in the field.
I will not share or give away your email address.
And don’t forget to subscribe by iTunes or your browser to The Art of Storytelling with Children Podcast so you can get weekly inspirations from Bother Wolf direct to your desktop. Read the info on the right to find out how. It’s free and it’s super simple.
2 Comments on Join the Art of Storytelling with Children Podcast, last added: 10/9/2008
Press Play to hear this interview that was recorded as a conference panel presentation at the National Storytelling Conference on Friday, August 8th, 2008 at 11 am ET - 2008. The Future of Storytelling Online with Rachel Hedman, Robert Kikuchi-yngojo, Mary Margaret O’Connor, Fred Crowe and Brother Wolf as moderator and panel member. [...]
Brother Wolf said, on 9/19/2008 8:01:00 PM
Thomas Freese writes… I am looking forward to being on Eric’s “Art of Storytelling with Children Podcast” next week, on September 23, 8PM Eastern time. I’ve been a professional storyteller and author of ghost story books for over a decade in addition to my work as an art therapist and licensed professional counselor. Our topic will be “Why tell children scary ghost stories?” I have over a dozen storytelling programs that I perform for schools, libraries, festivals, churches and private parties. And several of those themed programs are ghost stories. I’ve collected both true ghost stories as well as authoring original fiction mysteries. Kids love storytelling and kids really love ghost stories!
I was fascinated with ghost stories since I was a middle school student. In fact, one of my favorite books, Strangely Enough, which I bought at a Scholastic Book Fair, is still in print and still available for kids at school. After reading it and questioning my Mom about real experiences with ghosts she related a tale of an encounter at her Aunt’s farm when out horse riding. I’ve been hooked on ghostly mysteries ever since.
Fast forward to my life in Kentucky where I was a volunteer singer at the historic 200 plus year Shaker village called Pleasant Hill, located near Harrodsburg in Mercer County. During my ten years singing I heard numerous stories of experiences with the Shaker spirits and I decided to take a stand, rescue the fact or folklore that would be lost oral accounts if no one else researched and recorded them. I interviewed over 60 employees and guests starting in 1998 and later (2005) published those first-hand tales in my Shaker Ghost Stories from Pleasant Hill, Kentucky. I found children of all ages fascinated with the stories of spirits who seemed to act very much in character with the once-living Shakers. Folks heard singing, shouting, stomping in the 1820 Meeting House. They saw Shaker-dressed figures on the old village pike.
As I performed my ghost stories program I included some true tales along with the fanciful entertaining fictional tales. I found kids no less interested in the true tales despite some of those seeming a bit less high-impact than fiction stories. I created a number of guitar songs to accompany my tales of witches, ghosts and other creatures. In live performances of mixed ages I noticed children mesmerized by true ghost stories.
In planning discussions with some teachers or librarians I was intrigued to see that some basically requested “the scarier the better” whereas others wanted assurances at least concerning the younger ages, say up to Kindergarten or first grade. I think a number of scary tales can be done successfully and without undue “trauma” at younger ages but the teller’s environment makes a difference. I sing a song to normalize the fear of ghostly stories at the beginning of my program. What I find fascinating also is that whatever the age of the audience, younger children through adult, one can find individuals sitting side by side of the same age where one is wide eyed with participatory “fear” and the other smirks and says, “That’s not scary enough!”
Please join me for this Podcast as I consider the topic with several professional hats, ghost story author, storyteller and professional counselor and therapist. My credentials include BA Psychology, MA Expressive Therapies, LPCC (Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, ATR-BC (Art Therapist Board Certified). In addition, I have worked as a Psychic Counselor and I can tell you that some things kids see are not “just their imagination”! Check out my books, first one mentioned above, and also Fog Swirler and 11 Other Ghost Stories and just released Strange and Wonderful Things: a Collection of Ghost Stories with Special Appearances by Witches and Other Bizarre Creatures. Art_therapist@bellsouth.net
Earlier this school year, I sat in a class listening to the professor talk about how she no longer emails students because "young adults don't read emails anymore." Uh, we don't? As obnoxious as it is to be told what... Read the rest of this post
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0 Comments on 2010: The Future! (?) as of 1/1/1900
Borders’ CEO Mike Edwards 
Great reminders! I know some offenders
Thanks for the reminders! It is always best to keep it simple. This post makes me think of people who snail-mail resumes on scented paper. Seriously?
sj-drum.blogspot.com
Your very right about those caps, but i just try and ignore it. Richard from the Amish settlement of Lebanon,Pa
Another reason to avoid email templates is that sometimes the receiving servers strip the pretty graphics out and add them as an attachment -- your email may get deleted without ever being read.
I found your number two interesting. When I was in the corporate world people preferred I put the message in the subject if it was possible. It saved time from opening the email.
I would also add another rule: include salutations on every email. Some people are fine with starting the email right away, but for business emails, one should always address a person.
I agree, and keep it simple is one of my best rules.
Here's another one: Have something in the subject line. Don't leave it blank. This drives me all kinds of nuts! :)
I also think it helps to have an e-mail address that's your name. When it's initials and numbers, or something only you would know, it gets frustrating.
I'd like to second Anna - it annoys me when people don't take the time to greet me before jumping in to the body of the email. If you're replying to a quick question, no salutation is fine, but otherwise, I just think it's polite to say "Hello Jane," or something first.
And, for the love of God, enough with Lol after every sentence. No one is that funny, and I've stopped laughing since the subject line.
Thank you
Thanks to his blackberry my dad has done the "entire message in subject" thing before. It's not pretty.
I agree with Ryan that you should have a professional email address for at least business purposes. Who's gonna take hotpants911@gmail serious?
Entire message in subject line?
I didn't know one could do that. So I suppose people could send their queries in the subject line...I suppose it's time saving.
I HATE WHEN PEOPLE USE ALL CAPS. It scares me.
also, there is no reason not to use basic capitalization, such as at the beginning of a sentence. this isn't a casual IM with your peeps.
or txt spk. 4 rlz ppl.
Twitter hashtags have no place in an email, either. #beprofessional
Follow the simple rules of grammar and check your spelling. It's hard for me to take anyone seriously as it relates to the business of writing if it's chock full of simple errors.
The free services like AOL include advertising in the body of the email so your email may never reach that agent or editor because of spam filters.
I didn't LOL but I kind of gasped at the rule about not including professional contacts in funny forwards. I would say that's a no brainer, but I suppose it needs to be said. No email is so funny that it should be sent to your entire contacts list. Ever. In fact most of those aren't even very funny...
I find number 2 to be a serious annoyance in my line of work. I do payroll for a living and it makes me very upset when the person I'm corresponding with can't be bother with putting the original message and replies in the body of the e-mail.
Regarding the message thread, if the topic of the message no longer resembles the subject title, please change the subject title to what it really is. I have received tons of email threads that started out about one thing and ten messages strung together later, the topic has totally flipped to something else. Makes me nuts. An ex-advertising client of mine would do that constantly, then get upset when i couldn't find the message she was referring to. That's part of why she's an ex-client now.
I'm glad you put #5 in there. I typically do that, but sometimes I don't know if I ought to leave all that stuff in there or not, and if it makes me look like some loser/idiot who doesn't know how to delete old emails or something. Hur hur.
I think it's a good idea to make a separate email address strictly for business/writing correspondence, that way you're never getting the wrong email addresses in there or goof and send a stupid forward to your dream agent. I actually have three - one for friends/family, one for business, and one for spam and all the random junk I toss my email to.
@Lisa:
You said, "Entire message in subject line? I didn't know one could do that."
I don't think this is what Jessica was referring to, but sometimes at work I'll send a brief message that is a subject only. For example, I might write my boss with the subject, "I'm Sick And Working From Home (EOM)"
If it's not clear, (EOM) means "End Of Message."
Just my $0.03.
It is very common in the corporate world to put the message in the subject line. I don't like it one bit, but it is done for a reason so I deal with it as needed.
When I can lord it over somebody to do things my way, I do it. When somebody can lord it over me to do things their way, I do it. Most often, it is a draw and we both do what we want. LOL
Michael:
If you're sick, you can't be working from home, dear.
I'm afraid I shall have to contact your boss about this. It just won't do.
I searched the web the other day for etiquette about the subject line only because I have an offender in my world. While I *love* hearing it bothers others too, suggesting the EOM will be a great thing.
Great stuff, Jessica! I have one question, the norm these days is to type the title of a book in all caps, would you warn against this as part of the yelling rule? Would you use the old-school quotation marks instead?
Feel free to stop and read old order Mennonite Jeans post on Amish Stories. In this post she talks about pen-pals,what sells for her at the farmers market, and taking relaxing drives in her buggy. only seen in Amish Stories. thanks folks. Richard
If you keep emailing back and forth, the old conversation can get very loooong. Sometimes I cut out the oldest parts and type SNIP so the recipient knows it's been abbreviated. This is especially important for people who type their replies under the old message rather than on top of it....
@Richard:
You know, part of email etiquette is not spamming others.
Just some friendly advice.