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The Very Lazy Ladybug by Isobel Finn & illustrated by Jack Tickle Most ladybugs fly from place to place – but not the Very Lazy Ladybug! She would rather sleep all day and all night. But when she decides it’s time to move to a more comfortable place, she has to find some way to …

Procrastination. We’ve all done it: we’ve come across a challenge and thought “fantastic. I can do that. You know what? I WILL do it. Tomorrow.” Or “Ah… I hate studying. I’m going to start tomorrow though.”

Procrastination is one of the most human characteristics on mother earth and can be directly attributed to the part of the brain called the Procrastinal lobe**. This lobe is only found in humans and indeed in some cases has grown vastly out of proportion. Swelling of this lobe, Procastinitis, leads to a condition that we again derive from Latin: lazinus muchus. This of course translates to modern day English as “bloody laziness”.

However, procrastination is not as easy as you might think. It takes perseverance, sustained effort and a certain diligence to execute it properly.

Firstly, procrastination creates a vacuum in a daily timetable. As any physicist or engineer knows, a vacuum is an area of zero pressure, which sucks things towards it. In order to maintain this time vacuum, you need to be exceptional at building a spacesuit of laziness. In order to do so, you need to be able to perform a talent perfected only by a select few literary genii- talking out of your rear end. For example: “I am going to start studying tomorrow. However, today I am going to start planning to study tomorrow, which is in itself studying.”
As you can see, it takes a truly formidable lattice of bulls**t in order to keep your time vacuum from sucking tasks towards the present moment. If you’ve done nothing by midnight, you know that you’ll have been successful.

The most important thing about being a procrastinator is not to convince others that ‘today’ will be worthwhile: it is to convince yourself. Your average procrastinator will have constructed a veritable matrix of lies and mistruths, culminating in the denial of the unfruitfulness of his or her daily inactivity. This is essential to maintain morale, optimism and any semblance of self-worth.

Finally, for any of you who have studied time-travel, you’ll know all about paradoxes. The procrastinator is no stranger to the paradox, too. He lives every day risking ending the universe by saying “Procrastination? Nah… I’ll leave that till tomorrow”…

And on that grim joke, I’ll finish writing. But I hope you’ll read this and leave a comment. Today.

** - not actually true.