The holiday season is a time for sharing, spreading peace, and promoting goodwill... but it's also a time went tempers fray, people over-indulge and the outright criminal elements of society take advantage of spirit of the season to wreak havoc. Here are five of the most appalling holiday crimes, from opening presents early, right through to Santacide (not really).
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Each year when the nights start growing longer, everyone’s favourite rotund old man emerges from his wintry hideaway in the fastness of the North Pole and dashes around the globe in a red and white blur, delivering presents and generally spreading goodwill to the people of the world. Who can criticise such good intentions?
Despite this noble cause, Father Christmas is running an unconventional operation at best. At worst, the jolly old fool is flagrantly flaunting the law and his reckless behaviour should see him standing before a jury of his peers. Admittedly, it would be a challenge to find eleven other omnipotent, eternally-old, portly men with a penchant for elves.
Read on to find out four shocking laws Santa breaks every year. But be warned; this is just the tip of an iceberg of criminality that dates back centuries!
1) Illegal Surveillance – Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act 2000
Even before the Christmas season rolls around, Santa is actively engaged in full-time surveillance of 1.9 billion children. This scale of intelligence-gathering makes the guys at GCHQ look like children with a magnifying glass. In the course of compiling this colossal “naughty-or-nice” list, Santa probably violates every single privacy law ever created, but he is definitely breaking the Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act. Even if Secretary of State William Hague gave Santa the authorisation required to carry out intrusive surveillance on all the children of the UK, the British government would go weak-at-the-knees at the thought of being complicit in an intelligence scandal set to dwarf Merkel’s phone tap and permanently sour Anglo-global relations!
2) Drink Driving Laws – The Road Traffic Act 1988
Even conceding that Santa’s impressive paunch is due to a not-entirely-human ability to imbibe the massive quantity of mince pies and sherry left-out by eager children around the world, his rosy cheeks betray that while his tolerance is high, he can’t escape the effects of a two-unit-tipple in every single family household in the world. Assuming the world average is three children per family, Santa has to visit 630 million families! Half of the world’s population sadly live in poverty, so we can assume they don’t have the sherry on hand to keep Santa tanked-up during his rounds. Of the 316 million families from economically developed countries, 21 million abstain from alcohol on religious grounds. Taking that into account, that’s 295 million sherries left out for Santa, just shy of 600 million units. If we assume Santa weighs a conservative 240 pounds, that makes his blood alcohol a whopping 7,870,000%! Needless to say, by the time Santa finishes his quota he is most definitely over the limit and if he’s still breathing it’s safe to assume his sleigh flying ability is impaired.
3) Airspace Violations – Chicago Convention on International Civil Aviation 1944
While on his annual jaunt across the globe, Santa and his furry entourage enter the airspace of every single country. Even granting Saint Nick’s North Pole hideout the status of a sovereign state and signing him up to the convention, he only acquires the right to cross the 191 participating states and is obliged to make a landing if requested. There is no evidence of Santa ever touching down at the bequest of country and submitting to a customs search, which is unusual considering the quantity and variety of goods he is known to be carrying. Coupled with the fact that Santa’s definitely entered some questionable airspace during active conflicts and never been sighted or shot down, we can assume the red sleigh must be boasting next-generation stealth camouflage. Those tinkering elves are cleverer than they look!
4) Movement of Livestock – Animal Welfare Act 2006
Either Santa’s reindeer have incredible longevity or he’s running a full-scale reindeer breeding operation up there at the North Pole, as well as presiding over a city-sized workshop full of elves. Now assuming that Saint Nick has been at this game since his reported death in 270AD (when he slipped away to the North Pole and recruited his first elf) he’s been spreading cheer and making merry for 1744 years! A well-cared for reindeer can live as long as 20 years in captivity, which means that Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and Rudolph have died at least 87 times and been repeatedly replaced by reindeers with the same name. A worrying thought!
However, if those reindeer weren’t well-cared for, Santa could be well into a triple-figure reindeer mortality count. The Animal Welfare Act of 2006 states that reindeers undergoing transportation should all be fitted with an ear tag listing their identifying reference number, in accordance with the guidelines stipulated by the BDFA (British Deer Farmers Association). Santa should also be filling out the requisite AML24 document and reporting all movements of his herds to the authorities. As reindeers act as carriers for tuberculosis and ‘foot and mouth’ disease, failure to abide by these rules can pose a significant health risk. With such a laissez-faire attitude to animal welfare, Nick could be at the helm of animal welfare cover-up the likes of which have never been seen… and Rudolph’s red nose is obviously a symptom of infectious bovine rhinotracheitis.
Headline image credit: Santa Claus and Reindeer. Public domain via Pixabay.
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By Georgia Mierswa
Ah, the holidays. A time of leisure to eat, drink, be merry, and read up on the meaning of mistletoe in Scandinavian mythology…
Taken from the Oxford Index’s quick reference overview pages, the descriptions of the wintry-themed words above are not nearly as simplistic as you might think — and even more intriguing are the related subjects you stumble upon through the Index’s recommended links. I’ll never look at a Christmas tree the same way again.
ICE-SKATING
In its simplest form dates back many centuries, [done] with skates made out of animal bones….
→ Sonja Henie (1912 – 1969)
Norwegian figure skater. In 1923 she was Norwegian champion, between 1927 and 1936 she held ten consecutive world champion titles, and between 1928 and 1936 she won three consecutive Olympic gold medals. In 1938 she began to work in Hollywood, in, among others, the film Sun Valley Serenade (1941)…
→ Sun Valley Serenade
… Such was the popularity of the Glenn Miller Band by 1941 that it just had to appear in a film, even if the story was as light as a feather…
YULE
…The name comes from Old English gēol(a) ‘Christmas Day’; compare with Old Norse jól, originally applied to a heathen festival lasting twelve days, later to Christmas…
→ Snorri Sturluson (1178 – 1241)
Icelandic historian and poet. A leading figure of medieval Icelandic literature, he wrote the Younger Edda or Prose Edda and the Heimskringla, a history of the kings of Norway from mythical times to the year 1177…
CHRISTMAS TREE
It is generally assumed that this indisputably German custom was introduced to Britain by Queen Victoria’s husband, Prince Albert, but this is only partly true. The British royal family had had regular Christmas trees since the days of Princess Charlotte of Mecklenberg Strelitz…But it was certainly due to active promotion by Victoria and Albert that the fashion for trees spread so remarkably fast, at least among the better-off…
– a nuclear missile onboard a submarine.
– a control room or cockpit’s panel of indicator lights, green (good) and red (bad).
FATHER CHRISTMAS
– …Gives news of Christ’s birth, and urges his hearers to drink: ‘Buvez bien par toute la compagnie, Make good cheer and be right merry.’
– There were Yule Ridings in York (banned in 1572 for unruliness), where a man impersonating Yule carried cakes and meat through the street.
→ Clement C. Moore (1779 – 1863)
…Professor of Biblical learning and author of the poem popularly known as “’Twas the Night Before Christmas,” published anonymously in the Troy Sentinel (Dec. 23, 1823), widely copied, and reprinted in the author’s Poems (1844). The poem’s proper title is “A Visit from St. Nicholas.”
WASSAIL
– A festive occasion that involves drinking.
– It derives from the Old Norse greeting ves heill, ‘be in good health’.
→ Christmas
… The date was probably chosen to oppose the pagan feast of the Natalis Solis Invicti by a celebration of the birth of the ‘Sun of Righteousness’…
SNOWMAN
(1978) Raymond Briggs’s wordless picturebook uses comic‐strip techniques to depict the relationship between a boy and a snowman who comes alive in the night but melts the next day….
→ Abominable Snowman
A popular name for the yeti, recorded from the early 1920s.
→ Yeti
A large hairy creature resembling a human or bear, said to live in the highest part of the Himalayas…
…comes from Tibetan yeh-teh ‘little manlike animal’.
MISTLETOE
– Traditionally used in England to decorate houses at Christmas, when it is associated with the custom of kissing under the mistletoe.
– In Scandinavian mythology, the shaft which Loki caused the blind Hod to throw at Balder, killing him, was tipped with mistletoe, which was the only plant that could harm him.
– ‘The Mistletoe Bough’ a ballad by Thomas Bayly (1839), which recounts the story of a young bride who during a game hides herself in a chest with a spring-lock and is then trapped there; many years later her skeleton is discovered.
→ Evergreens
A high proportion of the plants important in folk customs are evergreen — a fact which can be seen either in practical or symbolic terms. Folklorists have usually highlighted the latter, suggesting that at winter festivals they represented the unconquered life-force, and at funerals immortality.
GINGERBREAD
Cake or biscuits flavoured with ginger and treacle, often baked in the shape of an animal or person, and glazed.
→ Gingerbread
The gilded scroll work and carving with which the hulls of large ships, particularly men-of-war and East Indiamen of the 15th to 18th centuries, were decorated. ‘To take some of the gilt off the gingerbread’, an act which diminishes the full enjoyment of the whole.
GIFT
– …gifts have importance for tax purposes; if they are sufficiently large they may give rise to charges under inheritance tax if given within seven years prior to death (see potentially exempt transfer).
– A gift is also a disposal for capital gains tax purposes and tax is potentially payable.
– Friends, like kin, could be called upon in any emergency; they could be expected to display solidarity, lend general support, and procure co‐operation.
– Friends were therefore supposed to be alike: a friend was ideally conceived of as one’s ‘other self’.
SNOWFLAKE
The result of the growth of ice crystals in a varied array of shapes. Very low temperatures usually result in small flakes; formation at temperatures near freezing point produces numerous crystals in large flakes.
→ Ice crystal
Frozen water composed of crystalline structures, e.g. needles, dendrites, hexagonal columns, and platelets.
→ Diamond dust
Minute ice crystals that form in extremely cold air. They are so small as to be barely visible and seem to hang suspended, twinkling as they reflect sunlight.
Georgia Mierswa is a marketing assistant at Oxford University Press and reports to the Global Marketing Director for online products. She began working at OUP in September 2011.
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The post A holiday maze appeared first on OUPblog.
Very fun! I
I love your "Books from my library" posts.
Happy Holidays Sergio.
Thank you, Annina! Happy Holidays.