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Erika Wassall, the Jersey Farm Scribe here with…

FULL DISCLOSURE – Dealing with a Rejecting Critique

This past Friday the 31st, on Halloween, I had a fright like no ghost or goblin costume could compare to.

My first page critique of Daddy, What’s A Redneck! (see it here)

The full manuscript is a touching story of a father who finds himself surprisingly stumped on how to explain the history and pride of an important piece of his family’s culture. He explains the actual origin of the term, the ingenuity, fun-loving and family-oriented traditions that mean so much to him. Little Lainey’s excitement grows as she learns not only about a term and a family, but about herself.

Suffice it to say: Liza was not a fan.

My first response was the famous kneejerk: “I’m NEVER writing ANYthing EVER again,” supported by the ever-popular: “What’s the point??” and the sister thought: “What does SHE know anyway?”

To be honest, I clicked off the site, without even reading the critique in full. Said nothing to anyone. Ignored it. Told myself it didn’t matter.

But, I am proud to say that it wasn’t long before I took a deep breath and tried to take a more realistic look at what was happening.

Okay. So an agent had read my work, and not liked it.

Ummm…. that’s NOT new!!! I’ve had agents turn my work down before. Even successful authors get rejected.

I decided I would go back to Kathy’s site and read Liza’s comments in full, THREE TIMES before the NJ SCBWI event the next day.

The first time I read them, they made me angry. I disagreed with EVERY word, and rolled my eyes at LEAST half a dozen times.

“She just doesn’t GET it.”

A few hours passed.

The second read, I saw where she coming from with. I shrugged a few times where I had previously crinkled my nose and shook my head. I reminded myself that while my usual writing is exceedingly kid-centric, this manuscript in particular is not mainstream-minded.

I reminded myself of three things: (1) writing is an art, not a science (2) her critique was for MY benefit, she got nothing out of this (3) as a successful agent, she knows much more than I, (and that’s a fact, not an insult).

The next morning, I read it a third time. This time, I saw real value in her comments. She mentions a lack of motivation. WHY is the little girl asking the question in the first place?

Huh…. I guess that could set the stage a bit better….

She mentions the title not properly representing the story itself, that people may even be insulted and not read it.

My “darling” cried out to me to be saved…. But I LOVE the title… I crafted it with certain connotations, liking the idea of that it was counter-balanced by a story of love and honor.

But … um… HELLO??!!! They have to READ the story to know that. If they see the title and turn away, the power of the irony is useless.

By the time I left for the SCBWI event, I no longer felt that dejected combination of anger and self-doubt. After all, as I’ve said myself, rejections are PROOF that I’m a writer!

I’ll be completely honest that I still do not agree with all of her comments. And that’s okay too. It is an earnest somewhat “issue” driven story, which while not something everyone is looking for, can have its place.

But even the comments I may not fully agree with have given me insight into my writing. Some of them I found may even apply to other manuscripts or projects I’m working on.

This week, when I sat down to write my post, fueled by amazing speakers, and an afternoon of great workshops at the SCBWI craft day, including a chance to see my dream editor Amy Cloud (I just genuinely enjoy her personality), I wrote the opening paragraph to three different articles. None of them worked.

I looked over my notes from the workshops. Nothing felt right.

I looked at Kathy’s site, as I often do, and it hit me. I had a chance to write about dealing with critique in a very unique, painfully honest way.

So a big thank you to Kathy for the opportunity. And a genuinely GIANT thank you to Liza for helping me grow as a writer, and realistically, probably also as a person.

And to you… I give a heart-felt thanks for indulging me by reading my story. It has immeasurably solidified for me the importance of not only accepting but also truly embracing critique in order to allow for growth.

Because you know what? Our manuscripts are worth it.

Erika, what can I say other than thank you for giving us another great post. I think we all have experienced this, so I hope others will take note of how you dealt with the angst of a negative critique and benefit from your reaction and journey.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

Below is a double page spread from A LOVE LETTER FROM GOD that Laura Watson illustrated.

I received a wonderful update note from Laura Watson who was featured on Illustrator Saturday last year. http://kathytemean.wordpress.com/2013/08/10/illustrator-saturday-laura-watson/

Here’s what Laura wrote:

“I wanted to thank you again for the wonderful profile you did on me last fall. It led to at least one awesome job, that I know of, and tons of great exposure. Thank you so much!”

“I have a couple of recent projects that are now printed:

Farm Friends for I See Me! Inc. Personalized Children’s Books (http://www.iseeme.com/my-farm-friends-personalized-book.html#Tab-A-2 ) and A Love Letter from God by P.K. Hallinan (for Ideals Children’s Books.”

“I’ve also been working on projects for Capstone, Orca Books (in Canada) and a couple of self-publishing clients too. This has been my busiest year ever, so far. Just pausing to catch my breath and update my portfolio, etc. this week.”

Laura, congratulations on all your recent successes. I’m so happy I contributed to a good year.

Donna Taylor launch two blogs with week. Thought you might like to check them out. She has some give-a-ways on both blogs that you may like. They end Sunday night at midnight. 

http://writersideup.com and http://2creativitycookbook.com

Agent Rachel Brooks from the L Perkins Agency has agreed to be September’s First Page Critiquer.

Before joining the L. Perkins Agency, Rachel worked as an agent apprentice to Louise Fury. In addition to her industry training, Rachel has a business degree and graduated summa cum laude with a BA in English from Texas A&M University-CC.

WHAT RACHEL LIKES: She is excited about representing all genres of young adult and new adult fiction, as well as adult romance. While she is looking for all sub-genres of romance, she is especially interested in romantic suspense and urban fantasy. She is also on the lookout for fun picture books.

She’s a fan of dual POVs, loves both print and ebooks, and has a soft spot for marketing savvy writers.

Below is the September picture prompt for anyone who is inspired to use it for their first page.

The above illustration was sent in by Anne Belov. She was featured on Illustrator Saturday http://kathytemean.wordpress.com/2012/06/23/illustrator-saturday-anne-belvo/ She works in oils, egg tempera, and works with printmaking.

Here are the submission guidelines for submitting a First Page in April: In the subject line, please write “September First Page Critique” or “September First Page Picture Prompt Critique” and paste the text in the email. Please make sure you include your name, the title of the piece, and whether it is as picture book, middle grade, or young adult, etc. at the top.

Plus attach your first page to the email. Please format using one inch margins and 12 point New Times Roman font – double spaced, no more than 23 lines. Send to: kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com. Remember to also cut and paste it into the body of the e-mail, plus attach it in a Word document.

DEADLINE: September 19th.

RESULTS: September 26th.

You can only send in one first page each month. It can be the same first page each month or a different one, but if you sent it to me last month and it didn’t get chosen, you need to send it again for this month. Of course, it doesn’t have to be the same submission. It can be a first page from a work in process or you can use the picture prompt above.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

CALL FOR ILLUSTRATIONS: Need illustrations for this blog. I would love to show off your illustrations during one of my daily posts. So please submit your illustrations: To kathy (dot) temean (at) gmail (dot) com. Illustrations must be at least 500 pixels wide and include a blurb about yourself that I can use.

Below is the September picture prompt for anyone who is inspired to use it for their first page.

The above illustration was sent in by Anne Belov. She was featured on Illustrator Saturday http://kathytemean.wordpress.com/2012/06/23/illustrator-saturday-anne-belvo/ She works in oils, egg tempera, and works with printmaking.

Here are the submission guidelines for submitting a First Page in April: In the subject line, please write “September First Page Critique” or “September First Page Picture Prompt Critique” and paste the text in the email. Please make sure you include your name, the title of the piece, and whether it is as picture book, middle grade, or young adult, etc. at the top.

Plus attach your first page to the email. Please format using one inch margins and 12 point New Times Roman font – double spaced, no more than 23 lines. Send to: kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com. Remember to also cut and paste it into the body of the e-mail, plus attach it in a Word document.

DEADLINE: September 19th.

RESULTS: September 26th.

You can only send in one first page each month. It can be the same first page each month or a different one, but if you sent it to me last month and it didn’t get chosen, you need to send it again for this month. Of course, it doesn’t have to be the same submission. It can be a first page from a work in process or you can use the picture prompt above.

I will post this months Guest Critiquer next week.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

Cynthia Reeg                          FROM THE GRAVE             Middle Grade Fantasy

Monster Rule #9: A monster’s appearance should incite fear and significant revulsion to scare the socks off mere humans.

FRANK’S TALE

Shocktober 13, Year of the Scrull

Looking through the bus window, I tilted my nose up toward the sky’s “determined drear,” as Ms. Hagmire liked to call it. That was Uggarland—grim, gray, and delightfully desolate. From the bony skeleton trees, to the swampland grasses, to the lurking monsters. My itchy right palm brushed against my perfectly tucked shirt and my much too crisp pant leg. I should be an example of such determined drear, general disarray, and evil intent. Only I wasn’t.

“I saw a bat flying upside down last night,” said Oliver. My mummy friend sat next to me. His unwrapped, wrinkled brown finger skimmed down the page of the tattered book on his lap. “I’m trying to find out what that means.”

“That means trouble,” I muttered. The low rumble of voices from the other eccentric students on our bus seemed to echo the word. Trouble.

“Maybe its antennae were just damaged.” Oliver pointed to bold print on the right hand page.

I shook my head. “No. It means trouble.”

Our special Fiendful Fiends Academy Bus—otherwise referred to as OMO (Odd Monsters Only) bus—lurched to a stop in front of our school. We all climbed out, but as I tilted my nose upward again, I stopped in mid-step.

HERE’S HOLLY:

From the Grave, Middle-grade Fantasy, Cynthia Reeg

I was interested in Oliver and the first-person narrator, and I think it might be smart to start the story off with the dialogue about the bat. It’s important that the reader engage with the characters first, that we connect with them and care, before learning about the scenery of Uggarland. So I suggest moving the scenery further down in the story and pulling back on the detailed descriptions of clothing in order to laser-focus on the two kids. Hook us with them and then take us on a journey.

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Best Chocolate Cake and Other Dramatic Disasters by Julia Maranan – MG Novel 

Things I Am Good At

Field hockey

Music

Science

French

Chess

Baking?

Starting middle school on crutches had been about as bad as it sounds. While I was hobbling around trying to find all my classes after an “unfortunate accident” during field hockey tryouts, everyone else found all their friends and where they fit in. By the time I was back on my own two feet, I was pretty much invisible (except to Angie, who’d been my BFF since, well, forever). And it’s not like I hadn’t been trying things. I just hadn’t found the right thing. But today, that would finally change. I could feel it.

I took another look at the picture of the expertly frosted Best Chocolate Cake our home ec teacher, Mrs. Collins, had projected in the front of the classroom, and my mouth watered.

Baking is a good thing to excel in. I mean, who doesn’t love chocolate cake? People are going to ask me to bake them things all the time! Maybe I can even get extra credit if I bake something amazing. I’ll have to find out what my teachers like before midterm grades are due…

I read through the instructions one more time: grease and flour the pan, mix everything in a bowl, and pour the batter into the pan to bake. This is going to be awesome.

“Do you want to grease the pan, or should I?” I asked my partner, Kate Nichols, who was the second worst person in the room Mrs. Collins could have paired me with.

“I think maybe you should just make your own cake. Over there.” She motioned vaguely to the counter by the sink, purple nail polish sparkling under the fluorescent lights.

“But we’re supposed to work together,” I said.

“But I want my cake to be edible,” she said, and took her pan over to a table.

HERE’S HOLLY:

Best Chocolate Cake, Middle-grade novel, Julia Maranan

I like the idea that the main character wants to find something to make her visible. But those first days of school are not here—those days with her on crutches, left out of all the quick-forming friendships circles. I would like to see them. That way I would make a connection, and I’d be rooting for this girl and her baking skills. Show us the character in her darkest moment, all those friends pairing and bonding while she can’t keep up, that anxiety and pressure, and then you’ll be set up to tell the story. I did like the list at the top! As for baking and home ec, I’m not sure when the story takes place, but in our schools, they don’t offer home ec anymore, sad to say, so make it clear what year the story starts.

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DOGS ON STRIKE! By Rita D. Russell – Picture Book 

All night long, Rufus snored and sniggled in his sleep. He dreamed about his birthday and getting super-duper treats. But when Rufus woke up… he got nothing.

“Not even a birthday card?” asked Dugan.

“Or pupperoni cupcakes?” wondered Nugget.

“Nothing,” said Rufus. “Not even the Happy Birthday song.”

The three mutts mulled over the situation while burying bones in the backyard.

“What’s the world coming to,” they groused, “when a dog gets less love than a mouse?” [Art: Rufus, Dugan,and Nugget watch a man mowing the lawn with his pet mouse peeking from his shirt pocket.]

“No walking in the park.”

“No dancing in the dark.”

“No purple pupsicle treat.”

“No cruising in the front seat.”

Something had to be done.

STRIKE???   [Art: Dogs vote at a meeting of the neighborhood dogs association.]

Rufus strode to the podium and proudly proclaimed, “Today dogs are changing the rules of the game. Our smiles and affection are no longer free. We demand nicer treatment. So until families agree…”

[Art: Families are shocked to discover…]

“No greetings at the door?”

“No footrests on the floor?”

“No herding cows or sheep?”

“No guarding while we sleep?”

“DOGS ON STRIKE!”

The cool cats stayed back. (They were not impressed.)

HERE’S HOLLY:

Dogs on Strike, Picture book, Rita D. Russell

This is a cute concept and I like the idea of turning the dog-people relationship on its head. That said, I don’t know why this dog is surprised that he doesn’t have a birthday celebration. Has he had them in the past? What is the context? If you can figure that out and keep this very simple, with excellent dialogue, you might have a winner. Check out David Ezra Stein’s I’M MY OWN DOG, just published, for a fantastic example of role reversal.

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Carol Foote           FOREVER MAGIC                   Middle Grade

The hint of a whisper.

At first Elena thought it might be trees sighing or a faucet turned on somewhere else in the house. But the sound grew louder, as if coming at her through a long tunnel. She tilted her head to listen just as it burst out, filling the room.

“El-e-naaaaaa…”

Elena almost dropped the pickle jar she was preparing for a science experiment. Her knees wobbled, and she leaned against the kitchen counter.

“El-e-naaaaaa…” The whisper swirled around her. Then it was gone.

She ran to the window and nudged aside the white lace curtains. Outside, her ten-year-old brother Connor was tossing a plastic bag in the air and attacking it with a stick.

“For the king!” Connor cried, slashing at his flimsy opponent. “Victory is ours!”

“Did you call me?” Elena shouted. Her voice sounded high and thin.

“No.” Connor impaled the bag and didn’t even look toward her.

“Did you hear that?”

“Hear what?”

Elena eyed the woods beyond the lawn. Not even a leaf rustled. Gram’s car wasn’t in its usual spot at the top of the long dirt drive. Elena crossed the kitchen and peered into the living room. The solid, stuffed chairs and dark, polished tables sat undisturbed. Only the steady ticking of the grandfather clock broke the stillness. Breathing in the familiar smell of old books and fireplace ashes, Elena forced her shoulders to relax. See? It was nothing.

She returned to her experiment where vapor rose from a tray of dry ice. Like a genie from a lamp. Her hands shook, and she spilled rubbing alcohol as she tried to pour just enough to saturate the black felt she’d glued inside the jar. Tightening the lid, she glanced around the room.

HERE’S HOLLY:

Forever Magic, Middle-grade novel, Carol Foote

I think this is a fantastic opening page! Keep going. I want to know more. But get a better title. Well done.

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Thank you Holly for sharing your time and expertise with us. It is a huge help to read you comments.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

Writer Scam Alert!

The SCBWI put out this alert with writers. Didn’t want you to miss it:

Agents have been writing to us about a new type of “scam” they are seeing: agent middleman services. These are companies that, for a fee, will query agents for you. Agents overwhelming ignore queries from these companies. If you are having trouble getting an agent to represent you, your best plan of attack is to work on your manuscript and research the field. Join a critique group, attend an SCBWI event and make sure you are querying the right agents by searching though the agent directory in The Book. Paying a third party to query for you is not a fast track, it is just a waste of your money. How Not to Seek a Literary Agent: The Perils of “Middleman” Services

Posted by Victoria Strauss for Writer Beware

I know I’ve written about this before. But I’m seeing an increasing number of these kinds of “services,” and they are all worthless.

What am I talking about? Agent middleman services–services that, for a fee, purport to contact agents on your behalf with the aim of snagging representation and, hopefully, a publishing contract.

A particularly egregious example: Bookmarq.net’s Finding a Publisher service. (All errors courtesy of the original.)

Worth reading the full article. Here’s the link:

http://www.victoriastrauss.com/2014/08/12/how-not-to-seek-a-literary-agent-the-perils-of-middleman-services/

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Agent Holly McGhee is our Guest Critiquer for August. Holly McGhee opened Pippin Properties in 1998, after being an executive editor at HarperCollins and has built one of the most prestigious Literary Agencies in the Children’s Book Industry.

Holly says, “At Pippin we embrace every artistic endeavor, from picture books to middle-grade novels, nonfiction, young adult, graphic novels. We don’t follow trends—we encourage our clients to follow their hearts. Our philosophy, the world owes you nothing, you owe the world your best work, hasn’t changed, but as an agency we have evolved to keep pace with our clients.”

Among Holly’s celebrated clients are Kate DiCamillo, David Small, Doreen Cronin, Jandy Nelson, Kathi Appelt, Harry Bliss, Peter H. Reynolds, Sujean Rim, Jon Agee, and Holly’s very own big sister, Alison McGhee. Holly lives with her husband and three children fifteen miles west of the Lincoln Tunnel, and she also writes under the pen name Hallie Durand.

Here are the submission guidelines for submitting a First Page in August:

Please “August First Page Critique” in the subject line. Please make sure you include your name, the title of the piece, and whether it is as picture book, middle grade, or young adult, etc. at the top.

Please attach your first page submission using one inch margins and 12 point font – double spaced, no more than 23 lines to an e-mail and send it to: kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com. Also cut and paste it into the body of the e-mail and then also attach it in a Word document to the email.

DEADLINE: August 21st.

RESULTS: August 29th.

Use inch margins – double space your text – 12 pt. New Times Roman font – no more than 23 lines – paste into body of the email

You can only send in one first page each month. It can be the same first page each month or a different one, but if you sent it to me last month and it didn’t get chosen, you need to send it again using the August’s directions. Of course, it doesn’t have to be the same submission.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

I am very happy to announce that Agent Holly McGhee has agreed to be our Guest Critiquer for August. Holly McGhee opened Pippin Properties in 1998, after being an executive editor at HarperCollins and has built one of the most prestigious Literary Agencies in the Children’s Book Industry.

Holly says, “At Pippin we embrace every artistic endeavor, from picture books to middle-grade novels, nonfiction, young adult, graphic novels. We don’t follow trends—we encourage our clients to follow their hearts. Our philosophy, the world owes you nothing, you owe the world your best work, hasn’t changed, but as an agency we have evolved to keep pace with our clients.”

Among Holly’s celebrated clients are Kate DiCamillo, David Small, Doreen Cronin, Jandy Nelson, Kathi Appelt, Harry Bliss, Peter H. Reynolds, Sujean Rim, Jon Agee, and Holly’s very own big sister, Alison McGhee. Holly lives with her husband and three children fifteen miles west of the Lincoln Tunnel, and she also writes under the pen name Hallie Durand.

Here are the submission guidelines for submitting a First Page in August:

Please “August First Page Critique” in the subject line. Please make sure you include your name, the title of the piece, and whether it is as picture book, middle grade, or young adult, etc. at the top.

Please attach your first page submission using one inch margins and 12 point font – double spaced, no more than 23 lines to an e-mail and send it to: kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com. Also cut and paste it into the body of the e-mail and then also attach it in a Word document to the email.

DEADLINE: August 21st.

RESULTS: August 29th.

Use inch margins – double space your text – 12 pt. New Times Roman font – no more than 23 lines – paste into body of the email

You can only send in one first page each month. It can be the same first page each month or a different one, but if you sent it to me last month and it didn’t get chosen, you need to send it again using the August’s directions. Of course, it doesn’t have to be the same submission.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

This Goldilocks illustration was sent in by Patricia Pinsk. It was done as a paper collage with ink, watercolour, digital textures. Her work includes multi-media drawing, illustration, photography, glass-work, sculpture as well as Web-based graphics for the corporate world. Website: http://www.patriciapinsk.com Twitter: @PatriciaPinsk

Below are the first page critiques done by literary agent, Jenny Bent. We can all learn a lot from what Jenny had to say.

Deena Graves – TERRAZA – Young Adult

Pizza sauce, garlic, and beer did not mix. Not when all three meshed, creating a gag-inducing stench in the faded black fibers of my Perky Pepper T-shirt. Dixie would shoot me dead for sure. The last time I came home from the pizza shop smelling like a garbage disposal, she threatened to hose me down in the front yard before I’d “ever step one soiled foot” into her home.

Shrugging into my fleece jacket, I ignored the stink of my shirt and shoved my dark-framed glasses back up my nose. I scowled down at my beat-up Mongoose and the flat tire forcing me to walk my happy ass home.

“Hey, Luc!” a voice called from behind. I kept walking, stealing a quick glance over my shoulder. Max jogged toward me, holding up the sides of his pants. I snorted. If he didn’t wear them so low, maybe the stupid things would stay up.

“Wait up, man,” he panted, pulling up beside me. “You know bikes were designed to be ridden, right?” Max eyed my flat and sucked in a breath. “Oh.”

“Yeah.” I tossed him the souvenir I’d found wedged in the rubber tread. “And they ride better when the tires aren’t shredded.”

He inspected the chunk of weird black glass about the size of a half-dollar, tossing it from hand to hand. It weighed next to nothing, and no thicker than my pinkie, but its wicked, chiseled edge had almost cut my finger trying to dislodge it. “This was in your tire?”

I nodded. “I bet it was Manager Mike, the douche nugget.” I scowled out at the dark, Edison Square of squat, brick buildings. The stretch of small-town antique shops, specialty clothing stores, and trendy eateries had long since closed for the night. A brisk October wind cut through my fleece jacket.

HERE IS JENNY BENT:

Terraza

Lively voice which is great, I’m seeing too many flat voices in YA contempt these days. Not sure the voice is always completely authentic– “gag-inducing stench” doesn’t feel to me something like a teenaged boy would say. I did like the voice overall however. And line by line the writing is strong here.

I would like to see this author push themselves a little more to write a really “wow” first page. The skill level is there. But I am not sure from reading this that the book is beginning at the right point. I like the hint of mystery that someone sabotaged his bike. But the writer is starting with a conversation, which can be a tricky way to start a book, particularly when the conversation is not necessarily a very interesting or illuminating one.

I would try instead to either start in a place that is a bigger moment for the character or a place with perhaps more emotion for the character.

Alternatively, the author could perhaps have the character show/feel a little more here. What is his mental state as the story opens? We don’t know, beyond annoyed, and I’d like a little more on that. What is his general frame of mind as the story opens? What is he thinking about as he leaves work, is there anything significant on his mind? How does he feel about his friend Max beyond the thought about his pants, I can’t tell. If the author gave us more access to thoughts/feelings, we could get a better sense of him right away. Also, perhaps these two could banter a little more and we could get a sense of their personalities and relationship that way. Right now their conversation isn’t that interesting. It’s there to convey information about the bike, some of which we know already (there’s a flat tire) but it should serve more purpose than that–it should also illuminate character and it should also entertain. And is there a different way he could react to the flat tire? Something funny or unusual that would really intrigue the reader?

And finally, I would love the author push him/herself a little more with the opening line. The opening line to a book should be the best sentence the author has ever written. It doesn’t have to be necessarily super action-packed or dramatic, but it should instantly intrigue, or amuse, or create thought. I fear that this one is a bit of a throw-away.

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Helen Landalf – CLEO – YA novel 

The minute I slither into my sequined tank, Joan starts to disappear. I yank it down to show a little cleavage, slide on my black lace over-the-elbow gloves, and she fades even more. Then I squeeze into a pair of velvet leggings that hug her queen-size thighs, top them off with a flirty skirt, and step into my red stilettos. She’s almost gone.

“Joan,” comes Mom’s voice from outside the bedroom door. “Are you in there, honey?”

Elizabeth Taylor, in her Cleopatra gown and headdress, gazes down at me from the poster above my dresser. Ignore her, she seems to say. You’ve got work to do.

I glance at my phone, but there’s no text from Matt. Grabbing the bottle of foundation, I slather the cold, sweet-smelling liquid along my skin. The little potholes left over from Joan’s acne outbreak back in middle school? Gone. Next comes blush, the soft brush whispering glitter and bone structure onto Joan’s chipmunk cheeks, followed by eyeliner that sweeps into a dramatic V at my temples, adding flair and width to Joan’s squinty eyes. I glance up at the poster again and paint it thick and black, just like Liz’s.

The doorknob wiggles. “Joan?” Mom says.

“Be out in a sec.” I fluff my limp brown hair to create the illusion of fullness and then dim the lights on my makeup mirror. Leaning forward, I suck in my cheeks and survey my work. Not bad. All I need now is a dab of lipstick, and my transformation will be complete.

Just as I’m snatching up the tube of Burgundy Plum, the Lady Gaga ringtone blares from my phone.

“Hi, Matt,” I say. “Hang on, I’m coming.”

HERE IS JENNY BENT:

CLEO:

This is another one with strong writing that could have a stronger opening line. For inspiration, here’s a link to 20 great opening lines in YA fiction:

http://www.epicreads.com/blog/20-amazing-opening-lines-in-ya/

I like the concept here that we are watching someone’s transformation. And there is a great use of physical detail here. But again, as with the last critique, there’s not enough information about this character’s state of mind as this is happening. I want to know more about her and I’m not getting anything about her personality from this–all I’m getting is physical characteristics and perhaps that she is pretty hard on herself about the way she looks.

I love the part where the poster of Elizabeth Taylor seems to talk to her, that gives this a little edge that it really needs. But let me learn more even about this character from her inner thoughts or her dialogue, make every line really work. Maybe she could say something funnier or more interesting to Matt? To her mom? Think something interesting while she is doing this that lets me know something about her or her state of mind while she is doing this? Why does she need to transform? What about transforming makes her feel strong or special? Why does she love Elizabeth Taylor?

I think adding this level of detail and characterization, as well as working on the opening lines, will give this already strong first page some extra added oomph. Remember that you never have much time to hook the reader and focus on making this character as vivid and lively as possible.

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Mieke Zamora-Mackay               SHADOW                                     Young Adult

The hall is buzzing. Not the usual humdrum of the first hour of school. It’s a serious buzzing. Whispers about someone. Murmurs about something that’s happened.

In the woods…

Junkie…

Huffing…

Dead…

These are the words that float above the din.   No one looks my way, but there’s enough space for me to walk through the sea of bodies. I’m used to it. Everyone always walks around me, like I’m encased in some bubble. Protecting their personal space, they’re probably afraid that if they brush up against me, I’ll know everything they keep hidden inside. See into their dark hearts and thoughts, their misdeeds, acts of violence and carnal desires. It comes with being the daughter of a self-proclaimed medium; the local town kook.

The truth is, I don’t know any of their secrets. I don’t see anything they have to hide. Instead, I see spirits, ghosts – lost souls.

I see the part of every person that has left their physical body. Usually, they’re just trying to find their way home, or revisiting a part of their life they wish to say goodbye to. Some just really don’t know what’s happened to them.

I reckon that’s how the fresh one walking in my direction is feeling.

I keep my eyes down low. I don’t want him to catch me looking. He’ll know instantly that I can see him, and that won’t do. Lost spirits are never up to any good. The fact that they don’t have a clue about what’s happened to them in the first place is an indication of that. And this one’s got trouble written all over him.

HERE IS JENNY BENT:

SHADOW

I like this one a lot! The voice is strong, the first line is good and the opening page shows us a lot of information about this person and their place in the world of the school without “telling” us too much. There’s a real attitude to the writing, which I like. I also like that the author sets up the character and tells us about who she is in an interesting way and then starts right into the action. It’s great that she sees this particular dead person and immediately forms an opinion about him that is intriguing to the reader. I want to read more because I want to know more about this ghost and why he’s trouble and what will happen between these two. I also like that the writer starts at a moment of interest in the action–the school is buzzing about something–what is it? And then he/she gives us a lot of information about the character by telling us that she’s an outcast–everyone is buzzing about something, but she wouldn’t know because no one tells her anything. This is a more interesting way of showing us something about her rather than simply telling us that she’s an outcast. There are plenty of question marks to keep us reading but enough information is provided that we don’t feel confused, which is an essential balance.

If the writer wanted to go a little further, she could give us a little more info about the particular state of mind that this character is in as the book opens, or how she feels about the fact that she is an outcast, but overall this is a very strong opening page indeed.

_________________________________________________________

Peter McCleery       THE STAND-IN           Contemporary Middle Grade

Middle-school is a lot like prison. There is a precise routine and schedule overseen by an all-powerful warden (the principal). There are authority figures who roam the halls and enforce strict rules (guards/teachers). You are allotted a certain time and place to eat grub. There’s a Supermax cell block for repeat offenders (detention). There’s even a rec yard and communal showers. And, of course, there is a very specific hierarchy of cliques and social groups among the inmates. You better know who you can trust and who you can’t.

In my line of work, I can’t trust anyone. If this were prison instead of Glenview Middle School I’d be called a Fixer. The guy who runs the black market. I like to think of myself as a businessman. Or entrepreneur, if you want to be fancy about it. I sell things to the inmate-students that make their 3-year stint here a bit more comfortable. At a fair price, of course. In prison, a fixer deals in cigarettes and shivs. Here, I deal in contraband junk food and fake doctor notes. Now, some of these things may or may not be “appropriate” or “legal” per se, but they do fill a need. I provide a valuable service. There is supply. There is demand. And there’s good, ol’ Digby Fisher in between making a little money. Is that so wrong?

The answer is no, by the way.

Shortly after my mom and I moved to Glenview (which should just be called The Affluent Town of Glenview because that’s always how they describe it the newspaper.) I knew I had a good thing. These kids get more allowance money than my mom gets in her paycheck. One day the vending machine went out of order (I had nothing to do with it, I swear! Just a lucky coincidence.) It just so happened that my mom was doing a Costco run that day. I added a few items to the shopping list. Snack-size Doritos, gum, M&Ms. The next day I sat next to the broken vending machine with a backpack full of snacks and sold out before third period. I provided a needed service. In many ways I was a hero. After maintenance fixed the machine

HERE IS JENNY BENT:

THE STAND-IN

I love the idea of this one and this is a good first page in that it has tons of voice and sets up an interesting, resourceful character that the reader will want to spend time with. However, to my ear, the voice was a little older than middle-grade at times, slotting into that awkward 14/15 year old territory, and in the second paragraph maybe even more 16. Examples of places I would loosen the voice are, “precise routine and schedule overseen ” and “a very specific hierarchy of cliques and social groups” – phrases like this feel a little formal for the target market. The age issue might just be because of Digby’s very in-depth knowledge of how a prison runs, even down to knowing the word shiv. It left me wondering whether he knew someone in prison or just watched a lot of old movies. The opening has a journal feel to it, but I would lose the direct talking to the reader halfway down as this can pull you out of the story. I liked some of the examples of the things Digby can source, like doctor’s notes, and the story about how this ‘job’ started was short enough not to feel like too much up front backstory, although I’d hope the present day plot starts on the next page, with the inciting incident following shortly after.
________________________________________________________________

Thank you Jenny for sharing your time and expertise with us. Your advice is invaluable.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

CALL FOR ILLUSTRATIONS: Still need illustrations for the month of April/May. Would love to show off your illustrations during one of my daily posts. So please submit your illustrations: To kathy (dot) temean (at) gmail (dot) com. Illustrations must be at least 500 pixels wide and include a blurb about you that I can use. 

ANYONE HAVE AN EASTER ILLUSTRATION? Would love to use it for Easter.

GUEST CRITIQUER’S for APRIL 2014 – Jenna Pocius and Samantha Bremekamp

JENNA POCIUS, Assistant Editor, Bloomsbury

Jenna Pocius is an Assistant Editor at Bloomsbury who works on everything from picture books to YA. Before joining Bloomsbury, she worked for Abrams BFYR. She has edited numerous books including Dragon’s Extraordinary Egg by Debi Gliori, A Soldier’s Secret by Marissa Moss, and the upcoming Mad Scientist Academy series by Matthew McElligott. She’s most interested in YA with strong voice and emotional depth, and she is particularly interested in contemporary realistic fiction, magic realism, and well-crafted fantasy and science fiction with a contemporary voice. She’s interested in middle grade that is quirky and character-driven, particularly girl-centered stories. And she loves picture books that are poignant and sweet or humorously clever. She is also a sucker for dog stories.

Samantha Bremekamp is starting out as an agent at Corvisiero Literary Agency. She started her career in publishing in 2008, and quickly realized that she preferred working directly with authors from the other side of the industry. She runs critique groups and writing groups for fun, as she also loves to write and help others to fulfill their writing ambitions. She is fully aware of how hard of an industry it really is in this day and age.

Her favorite writing is children’s, middle grade, young adult, and new adult. There is something so pure about each building block of life these book groups represent. Although there may be a difference between a three year old and a 33 year old, maybe, Samantha finds that all of life’s challenges in these age groups really show the potential for amazing growth in a character.

Samantha’s background is in English literature, communications, and Spanish. She really thinks that if a writer is confident and believes in their work, their work will show that without having to showboat to prove it via a pitch.

Follow Samantha on Twitter at @LiterallySmash

Samantha loves reading Children’s, MG, YA, and NA fiction. She is open to any genre within those age groups, but prefers speculative fiction, mystery, and quirky romance.

Below is the April picture prompt for anyone who would like to use it. 

The above illustration was done by Elizabeth Alba. She works in watercolor and gouche. Elizabeth was featured on Illustrator Saturday in March. Here is the link: http://kathytemean.wordpress.com/2014/03/08/illustrator-saturday-elisabeth-alba/

Here are the submission guidelines for submitting a First Page in April: Please “April First Page Critique” or “April First Page Picture Prompt Critique” in the subject line. Please make sure you include your name, the title of the piece, and whether it is as picture book, middle grade, or young adult, etc. at the top.

Please attach your first page submission using one inch margins and 12 point font – double spaced, no more than 23 lines to an e-mail and send it to: kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com. Also cut and paste it into the body of the e-mail and then also attach it in a Word document to the email.

DEADLINE: April 24th.

RESULTS: May 2nd.

Use inch margins – double space your text – 12 pt. New Times Roman font – no more than 23 lines – paste into body of the email

You can only send in one first page each month. It can be the same first page each month or a different one, but if you sent it to me last month and it didn’t get chosen, you need to send it again using the April’s directions. Of course, it doesn’t have to be the same submission. It can be a first page from a work in process or you can use the picture prompt above.

Talk tomorrow,

This fun winter illustration was sent in by Illustrator Tracey Berglund. Don’t miss the snowman in the window. It makes me think of the photo Leeza Hernandez sent me a few weeks ago. Her daughter and her built the smallest snowman I ever saw. They made it small, so they could save it in the freezer. Now that is thinking out-of-box. Tracey was my first featured illustrator on Illustrator Saturday back in June 2010. Here is the link: http://kathytemean.wordpress.com/2010/06/05/tracey-berglund-illustrator-saturday/ I think you can see how much Illustrator Saturday has grown since then.

February was a record month for first page submissions. I did not look at all the submissions to see the percentage of people who did not submit properly. We are close to getting the First Pages correct for the monthly critique, but there are still problems which caused a number of people to be pulled out for critique and then skipped, when I opened their Word document and it was not correct.

I think everyone now understands how to format their manuscript when submitting to an agent or editor, so lets just zero in on how to submit for the monthly critique for this blog. You would only format your page this way when you submit a first page to me. If you are doing a first page for an SCBWI event, then they would probably would want a similar forma, but make sure you check. Why the difference? Because if you use the standard format for a first page, you can not show enough for a good critique.

I know I asked you to cut and paste your text into the email, but I sent the word doc to the editor or agent, so if the Word doc isn’t formatted correctly, I can’t send it. I state a first page can have 23 lines, but that doesn’t mean that every manuscript’s text will work out to 23 lines. Some may only be able to fit 21 lines. The first page, just can not be more than 23 lines. Please do not send more than one page.

You don’t have room to put all your contact information on the page. Just your name, title, and genre at the very top. Then start your text on the next line. The example below from Carol Foote drops one line for her title. This is acceptable, but she could have gotten in the 23rd line if she had put everything across the top. The reason her page was not included in the drawing was due to her submitting it after the deadline.

So as long as you follow the guidelines and the example above, send it in before the deadline, cut and paste the text into the email and attach a Word document of the text, put the required title in the Subject area (I search for the submissions using that title), send it to the email listed, and do not include more than one page, you will be good to go.

Hope this helps. If you submitted a first page and did not have it critiqued, please send it in for review in March. Check back tomorrow to read the four that were critiqued. Next week I will announce our Guest Critiquer for March. Deadline for March is March 21st. Title in the subject area March First Page Critique. Email to: Kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com

Links for more formatting posts:

Novel: http://kathytemean.wordpress.com/2014/02/13/formatting-novel-manuscript-example/

Picture book: http://kathytemean.wordpress.com/2014/02/02/first-page-critiquer-for-february-formatting-mistakes-call-for-illustrations/

Standards: http://kathytemean.wordpress.com/2009/03/16/formatting-your-manuscript/

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

I am so happy to let you know that Zack Clark, Assistant Editor at Scholastic will be September’s Guest Critiquer. He edits mostly middle-grade adventure and fantasy, but also likes fast-paced, plot-driven YA novels.

Zack Clark is an Assistant Editor at Scholastic. He’s an adventure addict, having cut his editorial teeth on the GUARDIANS OF GA’HOOLE series by Kathryn Lasky. He’s also edited the ANIMORPHS relaunch, KILLER SPECIES by Michael P. Spradlin, INFESTATION by Timothy J. Bradley, and was the lead editor for the recently launched SPIRIT ANIMALS multiplatform series, editing the books and writing and editing the online game. He’s had the incredible privilege of working with such authors as Brandon Mull, Katherine Applegate and Michael Grant, Maggie Stiefvater, Garth Nix and Sean Williams, Shannon Hale, and Ben Mikaelsen. His tastes tend toward genre fiction—fantasy, sci-fi, and adventure are all good. Plot-driven narratives with clear hooks will draw him into a world, and rich, conflicted characters will keep him there.

CALL FOR ILLUSTRATIONS: Please remember to send in your illustrations for August. It is a great way to get seen and keep your name out there to get noticed. Send them to Kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail.com with August Illustrations in the subject area. Please submit .jpgs at least 500 pixels wide.

For writers who like having a picture prompt may use the above illustration by Randy Gallegoes for inspiration. Randy was featured on illustrator Saturday August 3rd. http://kathytemean.wordpress.com/2013/08/03/illustrator-saturday-randy-gallegos/

WRITERS Sending in a First Page: Please attach your double spaced, 12 point font, 23 line first page to an e-mail and send it to kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com. Also cut and paste it into the body of the e-mail. Put “September First Page Critique” or “September First Page Picture Prompt Critique” in the subject line. Make sure you have your name on the submission, a title, and indicate the genre.

See Results Next Friday.

The four chosen and their critiques will be posted on September 27th.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

I am so happy to let you know that Zack Clark, Assistant Editor at Scholastic will be September’s Guest Critiquer. He edits mostly middle-grade adventure and fantasy, but also likes fast-paced, plot-driven YA novels.

Zack Clark is an Assistant Editor at Scholastic. He’s an adventure addict, having cut his editorial teeth on the GUARDIANS OF GA’HOOLE series by Kathryn Lasky. He’s also edited the ANIMORPHS relaunch, KILLER SPECIES by Michael P. Spradlin, INFESTATION by Timothy J. Bradley, and was the lead editor for the recently launched SPIRIT ANIMALS multiplatform series, editing the books and writing and editing the online game. He’s had the incredible privilege of working with such authors as Brandon Mull, Katherine Applegate and Michael Grant, Maggie Stiefvater, Garth Nix and Sean Williams, Shannon Hale, and Ben Mikaelsen. His tastes tend toward genre fiction—fantasy, sci-fi, and adventure are all good. Plot-driven narratives with clear hooks will draw him into a world, and rich, conflicted characters will keep him there.

CALL FOR ILLUSTRATIONS: Please remember to send in your illustrations for August. It is a great way to get seen and keep your name out there to get noticed. Send them to Kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail.com with August Illustrations in the subject area. Please submit .jpgs at least 500 pixels wide.

For writers who like having a picture prompt may use the above illustration by Randy Gallegoes for inspiration. Randy was featured on illustrator Saturday August 3rd. http://kathytemean.wordpress.com/2013/08/03/illustrator-saturday-randy-gallegos/

WRITERS Sending in a First Page: Please attach your double spaced, 12 point font, 23 line first page to an e-mail and send it to kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com. Also cut and paste it into the body of the e-mail. Put “September First Page Critique” or “September First Page Picture Prompt Critique” in the subject line. Make sure you have your name on the submission, a title, and indicate the genre.

See Results Next Friday.

The four chosen and their critiques will be posted on September 27th.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

Literary agent Frances Black and media relations executive Debra Caruso have announced the formation of E-Lit Books. The epublishing company is focused on helping issue titles by their clients when they are unable to find acceptable homes with major publishers. “We have so many wonderful authors whose manuscripts are not getting attention from the big publishers, but that doesn’t mean they’re not writing great books,” Black says in the announcement. She adds that the inclusion of “media relations, both social and traditional, will be the ‘it’ factor in our delivery system.”

At Henry Holt, Serena Jones has been promoted to senior editor, while Paul Golob moves over as executive editor while continuing to manage the imprint’s relationship with the New York Times. Both Jones and Golob will report to Gillian Blake.

At Harlequin, Tina James has been promoted to executive editor, Love Inspired.

Jessica Regel has joined Foundry Literary+Media as a domestic agent and Foreign Rights Associate for the agency’s children’s list, further growing Foundry’s Books for Young Readers department. She spent the past 11 years as an agent at Jean V. Naggar Literary Agency.

Shannon Hassan will join Marsal Lyon Literary Agency at the end of August. Previously she was an agent at the Warner Literary Group.

HarperCollins Canada will handle sales and distribution for UK-based children’s publisher Usborne Publishing Ltd.

Rachel Hecht is re-joining Mary Anne Thompson Associates as executive director of Children’s/YA scouting. In addition, the scouting firm has been appointed North American scout for Baltos Lankos in Lithuania, covering the adult market.

CALL FOR ILLUSTRATIONS: Please remember to send in your illustrations for August. It is a great way to get seen and keep your name out there to get noticed. Send them to Kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail.com with August Illustrations in the subject area. Please submit .jpgs at least 500 pixels wide.

For writers who like having a picture prompt may use the above illustration by Randy Gallegoes for inspiration. Randy was featured on illustrator Saturday August 3rd. http://kathytemean.wordpress.com/2013/08/03/illustrator-saturday-randy-gallegos/

I do not have the Guest Critiquer confirmed yet to announce, but you can start sending in your first pages for September’s critique.

WRITERS Sending in a First Page: Please attach your double spaced, 12 point font, 23 line first page to an e-mail and send it to kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com. Also cut and paste it into the body of the e-mail. Put “September First Page Critique” or “September First Page Picture Prompt Critique” in the subject line. Make sure you have your name on the submission, a title, and indicate the genre.

SUBMISSION DEADLINE: September 19th.

The four chosen and their critiques will be posted on September 27th.

Talk Tomorrow,

Kathy

CALL FOR ILLUSTRATIONS: Please remember to send in your illustrations for July. It is a great way to get seen and keep your name out there to get noticed. Send them to Kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail.com. Please submit .jpgs at least 500 pixels wide.

For those writers who enjoy doing the picture prompt for their first page, above is July’s Picture Prompt illustration which was created by John Manders. He was featured on May 25th. Here is the link: http://kathytemean.wordpress.com/2013/05/25/illustrator-saturday-john-manders/

WRITERS Sending in a First Page: Please attach your double spaced, 12 point font, 23 line first page to an e-mail and send it to kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com. Also cut and paste it into the body of the e-mail. Put “June First Page Critique” or “June First Page Picture Prompt Critique” in the subject line. Make sure you have your name on the submission, a title, and indicate the genre. 

SUBMISSION DEADLINE: JULY 18th .

The four chosen and their critiques will be posted on July 26th. I will announce who our Guest Critiquer is next Friday.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

I’d like to thank Anna Olswanger from Liza Dawson Associates for sharing her time and expertise with us this month. Your first page is the first thing anyone sees of your story, so the more we can hone the beginning, the better off we will be in writing a successful book. I know we can all learn from these sessions. Even if it is not your first page, you can make note of the thoughts of an editor or agent after they have critiqued the page.

Here are the four first pages picked this month and Anna’s thoughts:

Hope Grietzer                    The Carousel Keeper                Middle Grade Novel

A parade of green swells rose and sank in the murky water beneath the boat. The deck of the ferry dipped again, and for a moment Sadie felt weightless.

“Just ten more minutes,” she thought, gripping the rail as the ferry climbed the crest of the next swell. A gusty wind tugged at her baseball cap like a passing pickpocket, and Sadie’s hand flew up to protect her cap. She squeezed her eyes shut.

“Bit choppy today,” a voice said.

The steward approached, the ends of his white jacket flapping in the breeze like seagull

wings. Red hair hugged his head, and his ears stuck out like pot handles.

“Anything I can do for you, Miss?”

“Can you send me back to Ohio?” Sadie forced a small grin.

“I would, except I promised your uncle I’d deliver you to the island safe and sound.” He

glanced around the crowded ferry. “Follow me.”

Sadie eased away from the rail. The mischievous deck sank before her sneaker could reach it, and then rose so that her foot smacked it hard.

“Feels like I’m walking on the moon,” she thought, hobbling after the steward.

The man paused and gestured toward a vacant seat. “The ride should be smoother here.”

A mother with a squirmy toddler shifted to make room as Sadie sank onto the bench. Across the aisle, a wiry man in a brown suit coat gave Sadie and the child a nervous glance and tugged his briefcase closer. Sadie gave him her best smile but he scowled back, his thick eyebrows drawing together like a blackbird’s wings.

Sadie wished her brother Jamie was here. He had a knack for making friends. But Sadie

traveled alone, sailing toward Summer Island while her parents flew to Brazil. They broke the

news to her last week.

HERE’S ANNA:

The Carousel Keeper

I would keep reading beyond the first page to find out what life will be like for Sadie on Summer Island. (Will she find a friend? Will she see the steward again? What is her uncle like?)

I do think some minor details are distracting: the image of red hair hugging the steward’s head, for example. What is the point of that detail, or of the detail of his ears sticking out? It feels as though the author may be trying to fill up space. The deck being “mischievous” feels like overwriting, and what is it like to walk on the moon? The reader has been experiencing the choppiness of the ride, so would walking on the moon be “choppy?”

Is there a significance to the bird imagery? The stewards’s white jacket flaps like seagull wings. The man in the brown suit has eyebrows that draw together like a blackbird’s wings. Make it clear if an image is part of a theme. Otherwise, the details seem arbitrary.

The hint of Jamie at the end is nice.

Annina Luck Wildermuth

Ned Bunting, Ghost Spotter & the Ghost with the Hooded Cloak Middle Grade (ages 8 – 12)

Ned was two hours into his watch, crouched behind the old elm at Walnut Hollow graveyard, when he spotted his first ghost of the night.  Of course, he’d seen all kinds of ghosts the week before when he was still in training with his older brother Tom, but this was different. He was alone now.

As his luck would have it though, he could already see that this one was a poor excuse for a ghost. All its potentially distinguishing marks were obscured by a voluminous hooded cloak.

The horse it rode was equally undistinguished, poking its way among the graves, slow as molasses.

How am I supposed to identify this ghost? wondered Ned, starting to worry. As Walnut Hollow’s new ghost spotter, he was supposed to identify and log in all the ghosts who came through the town and make sure that they were obeying the local haunting laws.

He fumbled now to produce Ghosts of the Thirteen Colonies & Their Classification from inside his vest. Satisfied that the horse and rider were making slow progress at best, he thumbed the book’s worn pages, his lantern flickering beside him. Ghosts were portrayed in great detail with identifiable characteristics.  There was General Whitelsby, the angry, old red-coat in his unmistakable British uniform and Abigail, the Quaker in her fancy white neck ruff. The mad horseman from Sleepy Hollow always carried his head under his arm. Ned’s eyes darted to the graveyard, and he groaned inwardly. Nothing.

And then the wind whipped up, blowing through the tree’s branches and whistling its way between the gravestones. It twirled around the ghost and lifted its cloak into the air to reveal a small, cross girl in the frilliest dress Ned had ever seen. She looked straight at him and wailed: “How am I ever going to accomplish my mission, now that I’ve been so rudely unmasked?”

HERE’s ANNA:

Ned Bunting, Ghost Spotter

This first page ends on a nice note of suspense, so I would want to read further, but the first sentence is too long and clunky. Try to clean it up, since that is an editor’s first impression of your manuscript.

It’s not clear why you have the detail that this ghost was a poor excuse. Tom is logging in ghosts and making sure they obey the local haunting laws, so his luck is not that this ghost is a poor excuse, but that it has no distinguishing marks.

The use of a book implies that this is a contemporary story. Is that what you intend, or is the story set in the past? If it’s set in the past, then shouldn’t the book be manuscript pages with handwritten notes?

When Ned’s eyes dart to the graveyard, he groans. If he’s groaning because he still  can’t identity this ghost, then make it clear that he is looking at the ghost, not at the graveyard (in general) to eliminate any confusion.

The last paragraph is perfect.

Liliana Erasmus - Song Of The Sentinel - paranormal middle-grade.

What is father doing here? I told him to stay out of it. This isn’t his battle to fight. His glorious days of vigilance are over. Gone. It’s my turn now. Why doesn’t he get it? He is dead. I am not. And he knows I’m here, I can feel his light shifting closer. His presence. My lantern blows out.

“Go. Away,” I urge him in silence.

I don’t even turn around to look into his empty eyes, or at that ridiculous horse that carries him around, for what? To attract all the hungry creatures in the neighborhood and make my life more miserable than it already is? I have to keep position and here he comes, shimmering behind me like a lighthouse signaling, Look here! You see ‘m? Now suck his life out!

They’re coming. I’m not sure how many this time. Three? Four?

“Father, for God’s sake, leave! Let it be.”

Once again, he backs off, his light dimming and I know he’s further away, but never for long, never too far from danger… from me.

The September wind has fallen, the trees stand breathless, moonlit tombs lie in repose and I still get that paralyzing chill down my spine. The buzzing in my ears is getting louder, it’s growing until it becomes a constant whistle in my head, ticking me off. If I jump now, they’ll know what to do with me. I’m on my own. They are with one, five… eleven, damn! I have to wait for them to stick their tongues into the earth before making any sound. One of them is not sniffing the graves. It’s holding back for some reason, tilting its snout in the air, tail high and stiff, while that foul smell of decay reaches my nose, making me gag. I swallow the sourness without blinking. The furry carcass is staring right at me.

HERE’S ANNA:

Song of the Sentinel

I would probably keep reading this manuscript, but this page is confusing. Here are my concerns:

The narrator speaks in both vernacular and formal language: “stay out of it” and “doesn’t he get it” don’t work with “His glorious days of vigilance are over.”

It also doesn’t make sense for the narrator to say, “he knows I’m here” when it’s the narrator who can feel the father’s presence.

The phrase “my life more miserable than it already is” is vague. The reader needs a hint of what has been going on. Miserable in what way?

Who says “Look here! You see ‘m? Now suck his life out!’ The reader can’t tell.

Who says “They’re coming. I’m not sure how many this time. Three? Four?” Again, the reader can’t tell who is speaking.

What does it mean for tombs to “lie in repose?” It sounds as though the author is trying too hard here to be literary.

What does it mean that the narrator “still” gets that paralyzing chill down his or her spine? Has this happened in the past?

“Ticking me off” sounds too slangy, and too trite.

What does it means to swallow the sourness “without blinking?” What does sight have to do with taste in this instance?

I like the images in the last paragraph, and I especially like the suspenseful last sentence. I would continue reading, but the author should clear up all the confusion on this first page so that an editor will feel that the author is in control of her craft.

Meg Eastman Thompson, THE TRUTH ABOUT JUSTICE. MG/YA novel

Restless as a yellow-jacket at a barbecue, I bounded down the sidewalk to fetch the bread and milk for supper as Mother had ordered, heading for the Piggly Wiggly. I was lonely, missing Effie more than ever. Wondering where she and her family had hidden. Not wanting to believe they’d never come back.

When Missy and I had promised Effie we’d stand by each other no matter what, we’d taken our vows seriously. It hadn’t mattered back then that Effie was colored. We three were true friends. As I passed Liberty High and turned left toward the grocery store, there was not a friend in sight. Most everybody had been sent away, what with the coloreds asking to come to our school.

My next-door neighbor and sometime friend, Missy Pridemoor, and nearly everyone else, was having fun at church camp. I had begged to go, but Daddy insisted I was too old to be a camper. When I’d protested, he made it clear that, three years away from college, I was too young to make my own decisions. As usual Mother stuck by him.

When I was little, she’d always say, “Amelia Justice Queen, your Daddy knows what’s best for you.” But it was 1963 now and I was changing, along with everything else in our country. Even Mother was starting to speak up. When she told Daddy that camp was nothing but a non-stop revival meeting, it got me thinking. I didn’t need to be saved. Nor did I want to waste the end of my summer vacation listening to some preacher baying like an auctioneer. I stopped complaining. At fifteen, going on sixteen, I was smart enough to pick my battles.

Besides, I wanted to enjoy my last days of freedom. I skipped along. Released from their impossible overprotectiveness, which had only grown worse since stopping integration was once again on the school board agenda, I was determined to make the best of my trip to the store.
The Piggly Wiggly’s deep freeze was heavenly. I lingered by the ice cream treats.

HERE’S ANNA:

The Truth About Justice

Although I think this manuscript has potential because of the voice and content, I found the first page so full of exposition (and some of it confusing), that I don’t think I’d continue reading. Look at the first sentence and how long it is—the first page feels a bit like this (stuffed with information).

I don’t understand who the narrator is and what she wants: In the first paragraph, she is lonely for Effie; in the second paragraph, she seems to be missing her friends in general; in the third paragraph, she wants to go to camp; in the fourth paragraph, she decides she doesn’t want to go camp; and in the fifth paragraph, she seems just to want to enjoy her freedom. All of these motivations feel like too much for one page. The narrator has to have one overriding motivation that will take her (and the reader) through that first page—and on through the book.

It’s also confusing that in the third paragraph, the mother sticks by the father, but in the next paragraph she tells the father that the camp is nothing but a non-stop revival meeting.

And, finally, a fifteen-year-old protagonist is a bit too old for a novel that has the feel, at least in this opening page, of a middle grade novel (the narrator skips). If the author could lower the age and focus the narrator’s motivation, she should have a first page that an agent or editor would want to keep reading.

Thank you everyone for participating. Happy revising.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

The above illustration is by John Manders. He was featured on May 25th without his interview. Here is the link to read john’s interview answers that were added this week : http://kathytemean.wordpress.com/2013/05/25/illustrator-saturday-john-manders/

CALL FOR ILLUSTRATIONS: Please remember to send in your illustrations for June. It is a great way to get seen and keep your name out there to get noticed.

Anna Olswanger has agreed to be our Guest Critiquer for June’s First Page. Deadline will be June 18th, so I wanted to give you an early heads up. For those who like the picture prompt, you will find it at the bottom of this post.

Anna Olswanger is a literary agent with Liza Dawson Associates in New York. Anna has been a literary agent since 2005 and has sold to Boyds Mills Press, Marshall Cavendish, Dutton, HarperCollins, McElderry, Pomegranate, and Random House Children’s Books, among other publishers. Specializing in: middle grade and young adult fiction and nonfiction, some adult fiction and nonfiction, children’s illustrated books, and Judaica.

Anna is particularly interested in working with author-illustrators.Anna enjoys discovering new authors and illustrators. She is looking for “voice,” the sound and rhythm of an author that could be no one else’s, and has a special interest in children’s picture books (author-illustrators only), adult nonfiction, Judaica, animal stories, and ghost stories. Contact her at [email protected].

In addition to being an agent, she is the author of the picture book Shlemiel Crooks, a Sydney Taylor Honor Book and a Koret International Jewish Book Award Finalist.

You may have attended some of her workshops, like Why Was My Manuscript Rejected? 3 Agents, 3 Opinions, with two other agents (see www.3LiteraryAgents.com). Writers in the Northeast may also know Anna, because she coorinated the Jewish Children’s Book Writers’ Conference at the 92nd Street Y for many years. In addition, she founded the website http://www.Host-a-Jewish-Book-Author.com

Anna’s own website is www.olswanger.com.

Submission Guidelines for Anna Olswanger:

I only accept email queries (no snail mail queries, please.)

Please insert (cut and paste) the first five pages of your manuscript into the body of your email. (I’m leery of opening attachments from addresses I don’t know.)

Queries to: [email protected]

June’s Picture Prompt illustration was created by Shawna JC Tenney. She was recently featured on Illustrators Saturday. http://kathytemean.wordpress.com/2013/04/20/illustrator-saturday-shawna-jc-tenney/

WRITERS Sending in a First Page: Please attach your double spaced, 12 point font, 23 line first page to an e-mail and send it to kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com. Also cut and paste it into the body of the e-mail. Put “June First Page Critique” or “June First Page Picture Prompt Critique” in the subject line. Make sure you have your name on the submission, a title, and indicate the genre. 

SUBMISSION DEADLINE: JUNE 17th .

The four chosen and their critiques will be posted on June 28th.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

Below are the winners for May’s First Page Critique with MELISSA FAULNER, Editorial Assistant, ABRAMS Books for Young Readers and Amulet.

Hope you enjoy what the winners sent in and reading Melissa’s thoughts on the four.

THE BALLOON FIX (PB)
By Jennifer Ann Reinharz

Willa loved her balloon. The Grand Marshal gave it to her. It was pink, happy and just the right size for her hands. She did not like the long ribbon. It always got in the way.
{Illus. note: So she cut it}

Snip. Snip. Snip. Hiss. The balloon shrunk. Smaller. Smaller. Smaller. Until it looked like a flat, rubber, pancake.

“Mommy, fix it!” she wailed.

“Sweetie, the balloon has a hole. There’s nothing I can do.”

“Daddy, my balloon popped! Fix it!”

“Take a deep breath. I can’t fix it, but I’ll get you a new one.”
Willa took a deep breath.

She opened the junk drawer and found a screwdriver, a pencil, and a purple glue stick. Lining up the tools, she began to sing, “My balloon broke. It’s ok. I’ll fix it.” But the screwdriver pinched, the glue clumped, and the pencil was too thick.
{Illus. note: to plug the hole in the balloon}

So Willa went back to the drawer. This time she found a stack of sticky notes, a bunch of paper clips, and an elastic band. “My balloon broke. It’s ok. I’ll fix it.”

When that didn’t go very well, Willa took another deep breath.
“Help me,” she begged her brother.
{Illustrator note: He is coloring. Crayons are stored in a coffee can}

“Your balloon deflated. You can’t fix it,” he said. “Just do something else.”

Willa spotted his coffee can. It reminded her of the marching band. She dumped the crayons out.

HERE IS MELISSA’S CRITIQUE:

THE BALLOON FIX
Jennifer Ann Reinharz

What a great concept! I think that most children (and their parents) can absolutely relate to having that one object to which they form a swift and lasting attachment, and sadness that follows when it inevitably breaks (or pops as the case may be). What I really liked was Willa’s resourceful attitude, and her conviction that she can fix the balloon—this teaches children creativity, problem solving, and perseverance, even in the face of doubt.

The narrative style here is light and clean, which I think works well. However, I found myself wanting just a bit more detail at times (nothing that would overwhelm the text). For example, it says that the Grand Marshal gave Willa the balloon, but I don’t know that it will be clear to young readers what a Grand Marshal is, and why he/she would have balloons to give away. Additionally, while I like that Willa runs to the junk drawer to fix the balloon herself, it doesn’t feel as though this action logically follows talking to her parents. Her dad mentions he can’t fix it, but perhaps we need to see that moment of decision when Willa decides to fix it herself. I also like the use of her song to create repetition, but, again, this doesn’t feel quite connected to the rest of the story/Willa’s character. Why does she sing this specific song? Does Willa love to sing? I think a lot of these questions could be addressed by developing Willa a bit more as a character. Is she the type of little girl who loves to fix things herself? Is she always tinkering with things? Answering questions like these might also help flesh her out and better highlight her initial decision to trim the ribbon herself.

Overall, this is a good start! I think the author just needs to work to further develop Willa as a character, which will help inform the decisions she’s making and her actions throughout the story.

The Seven League Boots by Joyce McPherson (MG Fiction)

Once upon a time a girl named Madeline lived in the village of Villamyra in the kingdom of Myristica, a peaceful kingdom seldom bothered by ogres or sorcerers or even fairies, though there was a kulack who attended the king in the castle. Madeline lived in the inn with her father, who was the innkeeper. She liked to listen to the tales travelers told of journeys and quests, but in all her ten years she had never been farther than the Myra Bridge at the edge of the village.

One day in late spring, Madeline hugged a basket of laundry as she made her way to the clothes line behind the inn. She imagined she was carrying a treasure chest across a barren waste to ransom a forgotten princess. The castle loomed in the distance. Her arms ached, but it was just a few more steps and she would be there.

At last. She set down the basket with a bump, and the smell of soap wafted upward. She glanced at her treasure and saw only a limp heap of laundry. It was hard to be a treasure hunter while smelling soap. She reached for a dish towel and wondered why nothing ever happened in Myristica.

By the time the first row was hung, a fresh breeze had sprung up and snapped the towels like sails on a ship, or…like flying, she thought. She caught up a rag and held it above her head, then raced as fast as she could, braids whipping behind her, across the yard. “I’m flying like a bird,” she called.

“You don’t look like a bird.”

Madeline glared in the direction of the voice and saw Herbert coming around the corner where the chicken house stood.

“I thought you were helping your dad in the smithy today,” she said.

“He had enough help for one day. Somehow the bellows caught on fire.”

He looked so glum that Madeline instantly forgave him for his first comment.

HERE IS MELISSA’S CRITIQUE:

THE SEVEN LEAGUE BOOTS
Joyce McPherson

What works well about this opening page is that the reader is quickly pulled into the detail and imagery of the story. Madeline is clearly an intriguing character who has spirit and dreams which extend far beyond her seemingly adventure-free life. (Doing laundry is an adventure no one is excited about!) I also really enjoyed the line about the towels snapping in the breeze “like the sails on a ship.” What lovely imagery!

My biggest overall concern, however, is exactly how much information is packed into this first page. While I think it’s good to include a lot of relevant details early on to help establish the reader in the story, a lot of the world-building details here are being “told” to the reader instead of “shown.” If Madeline is our main protagonist, then perhaps it would make more sense learn about the kingdom using her as a lens. Her character has to be able to carry us through an entire novel, so the reader should feel a strong connection with her. For example, since she’s interested in adventure, perhaps as she’s walking with the laundry, she’s also keeping a weathered eye out for ogres or sorcerers who might steal her treasure chest, even though Myristica is a peaceful kingdom seldom bothered by magical creatures, etc. That’s one possibility to organically work in the details about our setting/the world while also learning a bit more about the protagonist. I think that will also help to slow down the pacing a bit, which, even on the first page, feels a bit rushed.

Definitely a strong and intriguing start. I’d definitely flip to page two!

MOUTH OF THE SOUTH by Patricia Nesbitt – MG historical

Fingers of July sunlight snaked through the interlocking foliage overhead and scattered brown diamonds across the lazy waters of Sugar Creek. Patsy and Olivia paddled barefoot, ankle-deep, down the main channel, stopping ever so often to turn over a rock or scoop up petals blown into the water from near-by mimosa trees.

They tucked the feathery mimosa clusters into their hair and behind their ears. Sweat beads still sprinkled their foreheads from the bike ride down Arnold Drive to the creek.

“Does it have to be for two weeks?” whined Olivia. “Why not just one?”
Eleven-year-old Patsy shrugged. “Dunno. Just is, I guess.”

“You’re NOT going to like it, you know.”

“That’s what you keep telling me—for a gazillion times now. But this is Girl Scout Camp, not church camp. It’s bound to be different.”

“ALL camp is the same: bad food, hot cabins—it’s JULY, for crying out loud–, and boring crafts.” Olivia bent over to scratch a chigger bite. “Not to mention the other obnoxious campers whose parents sent them to camp to get rid of them for two weeks. Tell your mom you feel sick and can’t go.”

Patsy turned over a large rock, watched a crawdad wiggle away, and swished her hands in the water to clean off the mud. Olivia isn’t usually such a sour-puss, she thought. I bet she’s worried about something.

“No can do,” said Patsy. “You know how Mom is…Money’s already spent.”
Olivia batted at a low-hanging cluster of leaves. “Besides, Miss Queen of I-Hate-Change, why on earth would you want to spend time away from home with a bunch of total strangers?”

“Well, I’ve been thinking camp might be…,” began Patsy.

“I know an adventure,” finished Olivia. “You’ve said that for weeks. But what if…”

HERE IS MELISSA’S CRITIQUE:

MOUTH OF THE SOUTH
Patricia Nesbitt

I’m a definite sucker for rich imagery and detail, so I really enjoyed this opening paragraph! There’s a sort of tangibility to the prose here that really pulls the reader in, allowing them to immediately sink into the setting. However, it’s a good idea to be vigilant about overdoing it, since an overload of detail can sometimes cause confusion. In the second sentence, for example, it says they paddled barefoot (which makes me think of swimming), but were only ankle-deep in the water? It’s also good to be aware of making sure the details included feel organic and don’t disrupt the flow of the story.

The great thing about this first page is that we really get a strong, immediate sense of the dynamic between Patsy and Olivia and the conflict between them (though it isn’t clear from the first page, obviously, whether Girl Scout Camp will be the focus of the entire novel). These are clearly two girls who have been friends (probably best friends) for a while, and it seems as though we’re being set up to read about a summer during which that dynamic is changing. My concern, though, is that it’s not entirely clear which of the girls is the protagonist of the story. We’re given insight into Patsy’s thoughts (though, I’m always a bit wary of that particular device as it can feel a bit overused), but opening with Olivia’s question threw me a bit. Perhaps it could help to work on developing more of the details through Patsy, if she’s the intended focus.

Additionally, I had a question about the categorization of this as middle grade historical fiction. A lot of the dialog feels very contemporary, especially words like “sour-puss” and “gazillion.” If this is indeed intended as historical fiction the author will definitely want to check certain phrasing to make sure it’s appropriate to the setting.

This is a great start—I’d definitely keep reading.

CALL OF THE CROW by Debbie Emory, middle grade fantasy

The last breath of spring floated in the air as Festy, a bright blue boggart, flew out of the dark forest that stood behind the town library. The moon cast light through the glass walls, giving the books inside a mysterious glow.

A bucktooth hung down either side of Festy’s snout as the small dragon-like creature drew in his widespread wings and crept into the library through the book return slot. He knew exactly where to go.

Once inside the lobby, Festy flung open the double doors as though they weighed no more than his big toe. Blue dust shot out of his tail as he flew to his favorite corner to perch on a polished wooden shelf. He ran his claw across a line of books until he found the familiar worn cover. “There you are,” he said.

He tapped on the front, but the face of the world famous human did not move as it normally did. “William? You there?” Festy said in his British accent.

“Celebration is starting soon.”

The ghost of a dark-haired gentleman floated out of the book. He wore an old-fashioned plush velvet suit with puffy sleeves. The high collar of his white ruffled shirt made it look as if his head sat on a large platter.

“Tis I.” The ghost of William dusted off his clothes before pulling a tall wool hat out of the book. “Shall we join the others? I do hope we haven’t missed the dance of the gnomes. Charming fellows.”

Before the two could leave, Festy heard the slam of the metal flap on the book return slot. His pointy ears stood up straight. “Hear that?” He knew no one in the small southern town of Caryville would be dropping off anything so late at night.

HERE IS MELISSA’S CRITIQUE:

CALL OF THE CROW
Debbie Emory

A very intriguing first page! It’s a wonderfully descriptive opening, that strikes a nice balance between a playful tone and the mystery involved with sneaking into a library at night in order to fetch a book ghost (who I assume is William Shakespeare). This may be something that’s addressed later, but I immediately began to wonder at the mechanics of summoning the ghost of William. Is he the only ghost that can be summoned from the books in the library? If there are others, why aren’t they joining as well? With fantasy, I find it’s good to be very clear about the limitations of the world.

I also think that the use of dialog here is nice, and includes a nice flow of detail that feels very natural. Though, I did wonder about calling attention to Festy’s British accent—if he’s going to be the protagonist of the story, does this need to be drawn to the reader’s attention? Perhaps there’s a more subtle way to do this? Maybe the author could call out William’s more posh accent in relation to Festy’s?

The pacing here also feels just right for a younger middle grade read. There’s a good balance of detail and plot development, and you’ve set some nice conflict at the very end of the first page that definitely has me curious about who just entered the library!

Melissa, wonderful job! I’m excited about meeting you at the June Conference. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and expertise with us. I know it is very appreciated.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

MELISSA FAULNER, Editorial Assistant, ABRAMS Books for Young Readers and Amulet has agreed to share her expertise with us and critique the four winning first pages for us in May.

Melissa was kind enough to answer a few questions I thought you might be interested in reading. Here they are:

1. This is the first time we have had someone from Abrams BFYR. Could you share what makes Abrams different from other publishers?

Abrams is a smaller, boutique publishing house, so we’re able to provide a level of personal attention to authors and illustrators that a lot of larger houses aren’t able to achieve. Because of our size, we don’t really have a “mid-list.” Abrams’ is also deeply rooted in design and art having begun as an art book publisher, so there is a strong visual sensibility to every book we publish.

2. Do the editors at Abrams work as a team or do they chose books independently?

While editors do acquire books individually, we very much work as a team on projects. We have weekly editorial meetings where we discuss potential acquisitions with the entire department before taking them to an acquisitions board meeting. It’s also not unusual for editors to ask other editors to read manuscripts or look over covers just to get a second opinion, or to bounce around ideas.

3. Does Abrams try to stick to a certain ratio or PB, MG, YA, Fiction, and non-fiction with each catalog?

We generally try to have as balanced a list as possible for each season (we have two a year). We’ve always had a very strong non-fiction publishing program in both our Books for Young Readers and Amulet imprints, which is really great since so many publishers are now looking to acquire more non-fiction.

4. What is the ratio of debut authors to published author on your list?

It’s generally a fairly even split, though some seasons it may weigh more heavily in one direction or the other. We’re equally enthusiastic about bringing new talent to Abrams as we are about developing and nurturing our house authors.

5. The industry has been changing quite rapidly, do you think the mid-list authors are finding it harder to stay on the list?

I think at a lot of larger houses, authors are finding that they have to be a stronger advocate for themselves. Most aspiring authors know it’s essential to have built a strong platform before their book has been acquired, but it’s also essential to maintain that engagement and build even after their book has published. It can be daunting, but today, authors are fortunate to have so many avenues of engagement to pursue.

May’s submission deadline will be May 22nd, due to the Memorial Day.

Below is this month’s picture prompt for those of you who like them. This illustration is by Maria Bogade. She was featured on Illustrator Saturday on Feb. 9th 2013 and I missed showing off this illustration. Thought it might provide some inspiration for a story. You do not have to use it. Feel free to submit a first page from a work in progress.

WRITERS Sending in a First Page: Please attach your double spaced, 12 point font, 23 line first page to an e-mail and send it to kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com. Also cut and paste it into the body of the e-mail. Put “May First Page Critique” or “May First Page Picture Prompt Critique” in the subject line. Make sure you have your name on the submission, a title, and indicate the genre. Also let me know if you were able to post of facebook or Tweet. You will get your name in the basket for each time you comment, tweet, or mention on facebook, giving you a better chance of being picked. If you end up doing more things to get additional entries, then e-mail me a note by May 20th. The four chosen and their critiques will be posted on May 31st.

Call for illustrations for May: Thank you to everyone who sent in an illustration for April. There are a couple that I didn’t get up. I promise I will use them in the days to come.

You can send anything, but I am especially looking for illustrations that reflect the month. I hope you will send something for May. This is a good way to get your work seen. Don’t wait, I will post the illustrations as they come in. Please make sure the illustration is at least 500 pixels wide and include a blurb about yourself and a link to see more of your work. Please send it to kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com and put “May Illustration” in the subject box.

IN DOYLETOWN,PA – Tomorrow:

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

MELISSA FAULNER, Editorial Assistant, ABRAMS Books for Young Readers and Amulet has agreed to share her expertise with us and critique the four winning first pages for us in May.

Thank you everyone who sent in something for April. I read them over and each month wish I could pull off getting a critique for each one, but the editors are being very generous with their time, but please know I enjoy reading them. Feel free to resubmit a first page and try again. 

I am looking forward to meeting Melissa at the conference and reading her critiques for May. Next week I will include a short interview with Melissa on Friday. 

May’s submission deadline will be May 22nd, due to the Memorial Day.

Below is this month’s picture prompt for those of  you who like them. This illustration is by Maria Bogade. She was featured on Illustrator Saturday on Feb. 9th 2013 and I missed showing off this illustration. Thought it might provide some inspiration for a story. You do not have to use it. Feel free to submit a first page from a work in progress.

WRITERS Sending in a First Page: Please attach your double spaced, 12 point font, 23 line first page to an e-mail and send it to kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com. Also cut and paste it into the body of the e-mail. Put “May First Page Critique” or “May First Page Picture Prompt Critique” in the subject line. Make sure you have your name on the submission, a title, and indicate the genre. Also let me know if you were able to post of facebook or Tweet. You will get your name in the basket for each time you comment, tweet, or mention on facebook, giving you a better chance of being picked. If you end up doing more things to get additional entries, then e-mail me a note by May 20th. The four chosen and their critiques will be posted on May 31st.

Call for illustrations for May: Thank you to everyone who sent in an illustration for April. There are a couple that I didn’t get up. I promise I will use them in the days to come.

You can send anything, but I am especially looking for illustrations that reflect the month. I hope you will send something for May. This is a good way to get your work seen. Don’t wait, I will post the illustrations as they come in. Please make sure the illustration is at least 500 pixels wide and include a blurb about yourself and a link to see more of your work. Please send it to kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com and put “May Illustration” in the subject box.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

Since registration for the New Jersey SCBWI June Conference is closing April 30th (Here is the link: http://tinyurl.com/ch7sean) I thought I would announce the Guest Critiquer for May.

MELISSA FAULNER, Editorial Assistant, ABRAMS Books for Young Readers and Amulet has agreed to share her expertise with us. I am looking forward to meeting her at the conference and I will be sharing more information about her during May.

Just a heads-up: May’s submission deadline will be May 22nd, due to the Memorial Day.

Here is Melissa’s bio:

Melissa received her B.A. from Sarah Lawrence College with a concentration in Literature and Visual Arts. She worked in Consumer Products and Licensing for Penguin Young Readers Group before coming to ABRAMS, and now works on a variety of children’s books including both fiction and nonfiction picture books and middle grade and YA fiction. She’s the editor for an upcoming Cinderella picture book in Fall 2013, and has worked as part of the editorial team for the upcoming picture books The Twelve Days of New York by award-winning author Tonya Bolden and illustrator Gilbert Ford, the sequel to the award-winning early middle-grade novel Like Pickle Juice on a Cookie by Julie Sternberg, and the adult graphic fairy tale Raven Girl by Audrey Niffenegger.

This is the first time the New Jersey SCBWI Chapter has been able to get anyone from Abrams to come out to one of our conferences, so this presents a big opportunity for the attendees.

MEREDITH MUNDY, Executive Editor, Sterling Children’s Books has agreed to being April’s Guest Critiquer. If you haven’t met Meredith, you can meet her at the New Jersey SCBWI Conference in Princeton, NJ this June. She is a wonderful editor and a lovely person. She knows her stuff.

Meredith Mundy has been with Sterling Children’s Books for 8 years, following 11 years at Dutton Children’s Books. She is nuts about character-centered picture books (recent projects include The Big Bad Wolf Goes on Vacation by Delphine Perret, A Pirate’s Twelve Days of Christmas by Philip Yates, and Ten on the Sled by Kim Norman), but she is also seeking everything from funny, original board books to unforgettable middle grade novels to YA fiction. (No vampires, angels, mermaids, or werewolves, please, and she doesn’t usually acquire historical fiction.) While she enjoys editing nonfiction, she wouldn’t be the right editor for poetry collections or a project geared primarily toward the school and library market.

WRITERS Sending in a First Page: Please attach your double spaced, 12 point font, 23 line first page to an e-mail and send it to kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com. Also cut and paste it into the body of the e-mail. Put “April First Page Critique” or “April First Page Picture Prompt Critique” in the subject line. Make sure you have your name on the submission, a title, and indicate the genre. Also let me know if you were able to post of facebook or Tweet. That will get your name in the basket an additional time, when I am choosing the four pages. If you don’t have either of these, just leave a comment and let me know. If you end up doing more things to get additional entries, then e-mail me a note by April 20th. The four chosen and their critiques will be posted on April 26th.

This first page picture prompt was done by Susan Detwiler. Susan was feature on March 9th. You can use this link http://wp.me/pss2W-6jt to view her artwork.

AUTHORS: If you have a new book coming out and want to be considered for a post, please e-mail me at: Kathy.temean (at) gmail.com

Call for illustrations for April: You can send anything, but I am especially looking for illustrations that reflect the month. I hope you will send something in. Last month, I did not receive very many. This is a good way to get your work seen. Don’t wait, I will post the illustrations as they come in. Please make sure the illustration is at least 500 pixels wide and include a blurb about yourself and a link to see more of your work. Please send it to kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com and put “April Illustration” in the subject box.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

WRITERS Sending in a First Page: Please attach your double spaced, 12 point font, 23 line first page to an e-mail and send it to kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com. Also cut and paste it into the body of the e-mail. Put “March First Page Critique” or “March First Page Picture Prompt Critique” in the subject line. Make sure you have your name on the submission, a title, and indicate the genre. Also let me know which steps you took, so I will know how many times to put your name in the basket. If you end up doing more things to get additional entries, then e-mail me by March 23rd. The four chosen and their critiques will be posted on March 1st.

The above is the First Page Picture Prompt for March. Illustrated by Jen Betton. Jen was featured on illustrator Saturday if you would like to see more of her work. http://wp.me/pss2W-6bk You can also visit her website: www.jenbetton.com or her blog: www.jenbetton.blogspot.com

AUTHORS: If you have a new book coming out and want to be considered for a post, please e-mail me at: Kathy.temean (at) gmail.com

Call for illustrations for March: You can send anything, but I am especially looking for illustrations that reflect the month of March. Last month I did not get many of your illustrations. I hope you will send something in. You do not have to wait, I will post the illustrations as they come in. Please make sure the illustration is at least 500 pixels wide and include a blurb about yourself and a link to see more of your work. Please send it to kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com and put “March Illustration” in the subject box.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

Here are the four winning first pages critiqued by Sr. Editor Jenne Abramowitz from Scholastic:

Raise and Release (contemporary fiction – coming-of-age) by Betty Vanderwielen

“Dad! A raccoon!”

The shoulder belt bit into Lance’s chest as his dad slammed on the brakes. Lance barely registered the car’s swerve, the final jerky stop, his dad’s arm thrust out toward him. His eyes stayed on the grayish-brown creature launched to the side of the road. And something spiraling off into the underbrush, something it had been carrying in its mouth.

Lance held his breath as the raccoon landed and lay still. He watched it push itself upright, stagger, fall, force itself up again, stumble into the woods.

“Are you all right?” his dad’s voice broke through.

“She’s hurt,” Lance said, pulling the seat belt release with one hand, reaching for the door handle with the other.

His dad pulled him back into the seat. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“She’s not dead. But she’s hurt. We have to help her!”

“Don’t be stupid, Lance. You never approach an injured animal. That raccoon would claw your eyes out if you tried to touch it.”

“But, Dad, it’s our fault.”

“My fault!” His dad released Lance’s arm. “It’s not like I tried to hit it. The thing had no business on the road. Put your seat belt back on.”

“She had something in her mouth. A baby I think. It got thrown over there, in that brushy section.” Lance pointed, but his dad’s head was turned the opposite direction looking for oncoming traffic. “Let me go see, Dad. A baby can’t survive without its mother.”

“It’s not a baby. Probably just something it caught for food,” his father answered without turning around. “A deer mouse maybe.”

“But what if it’s a baby raccoon? On Animal Channel they showed a mother raccoon carrying a baby in her mouth like that.”

Jenne’s Response to: Raise and Release by Betty Vanderwielen

Immediately, I can sense the tension between Lance and his father. It’s clear they have very different values when it comes to animal welfare, and I’m guessing this is going to be a cause for major conflict over the course of this manuscript. And it’s also clear that Lance’s father is more deeply engaged with his own inner thoughts than he is with his son’s beliefs or feelings. When Lance wants to take responsibility for this accident, his father immediately reacts in a defensive, aggressive manner. I suspect this book will explore this relationship and how it affects Lance’s choices, which could make for a really interesting emotional narrative.

I do wonder, though, about where this first page initially drops the reader. It can always be exciting to begin a story in the center of the action. But sometimes this doesn’t allow readers to get to know characters well enough before asking them to care about what’s important to them. In this first page, we immediately meet Lance who wants to help the raccoon and her baby and his father who just wants to get out of the situation, and they’re depicted in fairly black and white terms. Lance is on the side of good and right, and his father, who goes as far as calling his son stupid is clearly not. I would have liked to see a bit of non-raccoon-related interaction between Lance and his father before the accident to help show how the dynamics between them are oriented in general rather than just on the topic of animals, and to give the reader a more nuanced sense of each of them so that we are introduced to them as layered three-dimensional characters rather than simpler archetypes.

Additionally, at times the characters narrate action which might be more naturally conveyed to the reader through description. For example, when Lance explains that he thought he saw a baby raccoon thrown into the brush, he’s overly explaining an event that his father may have seen. If the reader were shown Lance observing this instead, the information would be conveyed in a more believable way.

The Art of Being Remmy

(An illustrated, middle grade novel of about 40,000 words)

By Mary Zisk

Miss Krasner, the art teacher, stood so close to my desk, I could smell her lily-of-the-valley perfume mixed with a whiff of cigarette smoke. While she shuffled through my drawings, I watched the red nails on her fingers dance and I bit my lip.

All the eyes of my third grade class were on me, except for my best friend, Debbie, who was busy drawing hearts on a pink piece of paper with a magenta crayon.

Miss Krasner crossed her arms, narrowed her dark Cleopatra-lined eyes, and puckered her lips.

“My, my,” she said and broke into a wide smile. “You’re a regular little Rembrandt, aren’t you?”

Rembrandt? A famous artist?

My pal, Billy, grinned and winked at me.

With a pat on my shoulder, Miss Krasner leaned down and whispered, “I think you have a special spark, Rosella. Don’t lose it.”

A spark. I had a spark.

Miss Krasner didn’t know then that her declaration would lead to my nickname, Remmy. The important thing was that she had stamped me with her seal of approval. I was an Artist with a capital A. It was my dream and then I knew it was also my destiny. Nothing could stop me.

Until last year.

Seventh grade.

1963.

Jenne’s Response to: The Art of Being Remmy by Mary Zisk

There are so many wonderful details in this first page. With her lily and cigarette smell and her dancing red nails, we definitely get a visual image of what the kind of woman Miss Krasner the art teacher is. I do wonder though about the voice of this character. The compliment she pays Rosella has a bit of arch humor to it, and comes off a bit sarcastically to me. Which both made me question what I’d previously thought of this character and also of how I’m supposed to interpret Rosella’s artistic ability. Is she actually talented? Or is she so bad in art class that she’s given an ironic nickname? Details like the smile and the pat on the back the teacher gives Rosella answer these questions, but I’m still left with a conflicted picture of this character. And since she’s being used to set-up reader expectations for how Rosella sees herself, I wonder if it might make more sense to be clearer about all of the details that show us who she is.

I quite like the tone of the writing in this first page. It’s intimate and personal, a bit wistful and full of hints about what’s to come. The last few lines on this page are a great set-up for the drama to come as Rosella aka Remmy’s story unfolds. But the timeline of this piece does confuse me a bit. This initial scene takes place when the character is in third grade and quickly jumps to an allusion to what’s happened later in seventh grade, from the point of view of after events have transpired, all of this transpiring in the past. Which is a lot to sort out. I wonder if it might be clearer to simply begin with the events of seventh grade in 1963 to streamline the reader’s understanding of the setting.

All-in-all, I’d definitely keep reading this manuscript.

MAG-NIF-I-CENT by Betty H. Matthews

It was sunrise in the garden. Willie the caterpillar munched, and crunched and slurped his way across a

crisp hibiscus leaf. He looked up and found himself surrounded by a crowd of BIG eyes. Then he heard a crowd of BIG voices.

They ooh-ed and aah-ed, “It’s outstanding…exquisite in every way.”

The loudest BIG voice gasped, “It is truly magnificent!”

Willie peeked up. It was an orange hibiscus blossom.  Must be nice to be mag-ni-fi-cent…whatever that means,thought Willie.

His friend, Pete, wiggled over.

“Pete, do you know what mag-nif-i-cent means?”

“I don’t have a flea’s idea,” said Pete. “Ask Mrs. Quail.  She knows lots of words.”

Willie wiggled down to the tomato plants.  “Mrs. Quail, I need your help to figure out what mag-nif-i-cent means.”

“Well,” said Mrs. Quail, “it has to do with art.  Look up.  Do you see all of the colors in the morning sky?”

“Yep, I sure do,” said Willie.

“It’s a masterpiece,” said Mrs. Quail. “It’s magnificent.  That’s the perfect word.”

“But I can’t paint a picture like that.  What can I do to be mag-nif-i-cent?”

“Might ask Sylvia Hen. Too-da-loo!”

Willie wiggled to the hen house. “Good morning, Mrs. Hen.”

“Hi, little feller. Whatcha need?”

“I’m looking for MY mag-nif-i-cent. Do you know where to look?

Mrs. Hen looked down at her nest. “I ‘jest’ might be able to help you.”

He heard a little cracking sound and then a whole little chick stepped right out of that shell.

Sylvia Hen clucked and cooed, “My, oh my! Hal-le-lu-jah! If this ain’t magnificent, I don’t know what is.”

Jenne’s Response to: MAG-NIF-I-CENT by Betty H. Matthews

The genre of this first page wasn’t labeled, but based on the young tone, lovely restraint in description, and the well-balanced structure, I’m going to assume this is a picture book manuscript. One of my favorite things about this page is the occasional specificity of language (“Too-da-loo!”)  in dialogue that really brings the characters to life. Sylvia Hen’s southern mothering is an especially nice touch. I do find myself wishing Willie’s voice had that same specificity of language. He’s a bit less fleshed out than many of the other characters we meet here.

I find the premise of this manuscript both sweet and a bit confusing. On the one hand, Willie is going to collect lots of examples of things that can be considered magnificent, and I can already see in Mrs. Quail’s description of art and Sylvia Hen’s brand-new chickadees, that these examples will be charmingly varied in their depictions of big, bold conceptual ideas and small, personal moments. On the other hand, the premise is nestled in Willie’s exploration of what the word “magnificent” means, when it seems clear he already at least knows it’s something wonderful. He doesn’t question what “exquisite” or “outstanding” mean, he recognizes oohs and ahs, and concedes that it must be nice to be magnificent. Which tells me this book is really more about him finding the magnificent in the world around him and in himself than it is an exploration of unfamiliar vocabulary. I think the premise would be more effectively set up if that were clearer for the reader.

Words Can Hurt by Janice Milusich  -  middle grade

The house was dark, but from her room Talia could see the glow of the kitchen light, when she looked down the hallway.  Her stomach knotted. Dad would be home soon.

Mom shuffled a deck of cards. They slapped the kitchen table as she dealt them: king, queen, jack, ten—solitaire. Mom played it every night while she waited.

Dog-earing the page of the book she’d been reading, Talia tucked The Secret Garden under her pillow, and clicked off her light.  Closing her eyes, she pictured a garden full of sweet roses, honeysuckle…  Raising her snub freckled nose, she could almost smell their sweetness.

BAM!  The front door shuddered. Talia snatched at her covers. She shoved her arms to her side and straightened her legs.

Mom turned on the light and crossed the hall.  Talia’s eyes followed her, until she couldn’t see her anymore.

“Why was it locked?” asked Dad.

Mom trailed him across the living room. “Why’re you so late?” She sounded tired.

 “Late—?  Late for what? ” Dad was ready for a fight.  He stopped in the hallway.

Through her lashes Talia saw his back was turned.  Tall, his body all squares and

rectangles, he towered over Mom.  He turned toward Talia’s room. Her leg twitched—that was all it took.

“Talia Maria Keens, come out to the kitchen.”

The only time Dad said all three of her names together was when she’d done something wrong, or he thought she had.

“Talia, I said come out here.”

Jenne’s Response to: Words Can Hurt by Janice Milusich

The tone of this first page is dark and ominous and does a really effective job of drawing the reader in. There are so many fabulous descriptions, from the cards “slapping” the table to the front door “shuddering,” that all fit together to create this really tense scene. I’m wondering what  the history of this family is, and what is going on with Talia’s father to make her and her mother both anticipate his anger so severely. And I’m also wondering what specific incident is driving the confrontation that brewing here. Because of the details chosen to introduce us to Talia (her observant, thoughtful voice and the fact that’s she’s reading a classic novel), she comes across as a quiet, well-behaved girl. So the possibility of wrong-doing, even if only in her father’s eyes, really piques my interest and makes me want to find out more.

The one element that’s not quite working for me here is the way the author’s tried to convey physical descriptions of Talia. The mentions of her “snub freckled nose” and the way she looks up through her lashes feel a bit forced into the scene to help show the reader what she looks like. But I’m not sure these details are necessary in this first moment, and might be better served by introducing them at a more natural point in the story that focuses on self-reflection rather than anxiety directed outward at her family.

I want to thank Jenne for sharing her expertise with us.  It is greatly appreciated. Remember you have a chance to meet Jenne at the New Jersey SCBWI Conference in June.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

In case you missed the announcement on Sunday, I am very excited to announce that Jenne Abramowitz, Senior Editor at Scholastic has agreed to be out Guest Critiquer for February.  She acquires chapter books and middle grade fiction, as well as easy readers. She has worked with a diverse and talented list of authors and illustrators including Marion Dane Bauer, Henry Winkler and Lin Oliver, Frank Remkiewicz, Beth Ain, Pam Muñoz Ryan, Robert Neubecker, and Kevin Sherry.

Before joining Scholastic, Jenne worked at the Sheldon Fogelman Agency and Harlequin. Jenne looks for commercial voices and high-concept plots. She loves mysteries, modern (but not epic) fantasy, adventures, humor, ghost stories, and anything with a really juicy secret.

Jenne will be on the faculty at the New Jersey SCBWI Conference in June and doing critiques. This is a great opportunity to, not only, learn from Jenne, but to get a flavor of what she thinks and help you prepare for the conference.  Registration will open shortly for the conference. Don’t worry about not seeing the information, I will post as soon as registration is open. The New Jersey conference gets writer’s and illustrator from all over the country and many parts of the world.

Deadline for First Page Critique Submission: February 23rd.

WRITERS Sending in a First Page: Please attach your double spaced, 12 point font, 23 line first page to an e-mail and send it to kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com. Also cut and paste it into the body of the e-mail. Put “December First Page Critique” or “February First Page Picture Prompt Critique” in the subject line and send it to me at: Kathy.temean(at)gmail.com and send by February 23rd. Make sure you have your name on the submission, a title, and indicate the genre. Also let me know which steps you took, so I will know how many times to put your name in the basket. The four chosen and their critiques will be posted on March 1st.

The picture prompt for this month is by Lisa Anchin to help inspire a first page for Free Fall Friday or send a first page in progress from a story.  Lisa was featured on Illustrator Saturday on October 27th last year.  Take a look to see more of her great artwork. http://wp.me/pss2W-5yi

AUTHORS: If you have a new book coming out and want to be considered for a post, please e-mail me at: Kathy.temean (at) gmail.com

Call for illustrations for February: You can send anything, but it may not get used for February, unless I have a post that will go with it. I will try to use all illustrations that reflect the month. You do not have to wait, I will post the illustrations as they come in. Please make sure the illustration is at least 500 pixels wide and include a blurb about yourself and a link to see more of your work. Please send it to kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com and put “February Illustration” or “General Illustration” in the subject box.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

Each Month I try to give Writers and Illustrator a chance to be noticed and further their craft. Writers can use the picture prompt below by Lisa Anchin to help inspire their first page for Free Fall Friday or they can submit a first page from something they are currently writing.  Lisa was featured on Illustrator Saturday on October 27th last year.  Take a look to see more of her great artwork.
http://wp.me/pss2W-5yi

WRITERS Sending in a First Page: Please attach your double spaced, 12 point font, 23 line first page to an e-mail and send it to kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com. Also cut and paste it into the body of the e-mail. Put “December First Page Critique” or “February First Page Picture Prompt Critique” in the subject line. Make sure you have your name on the submission, a title, and indicate the genre. Also let me know which steps you took, so I will know how many times to put your name in the basket. If you end up doing more things to get additional entries, then e-mail me by February 23rd. The four chosen and their critiques will be posted on March 1st.

AUTHORS: If you have a new book coming out and want to be considered for a post, please e-mail me at: Kathy.temean (at) gmail.com

Call for illustrations for February: You can send anything, but it may not get used for February, unless I have a post that will go with it. I will try to use all illustrations that reflect the month. You do not have to wait, I will post the illustrations as they come in. Please make sure the illustration is at least 500 pixels wide and include a blurb about yourself and a link to see more of your work. Please send it to kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com and put “February Illustration” or “General Illustration” in the subject box.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

Agent at Sheldon Fogelman Agency has agreed to be our Guest Critiquer for July. Sean works on children’s books for all ages at the Sheldon Fogelman Agency in NYC. His clients include Zachariah O’Hora, Hyewon Yum, Mark Fearing and Hillary Homzie.

He is drawn to flawed, multi-faceted characters with devastatingly concise writing in YA, and boy-friendly mysteries or adventures in MG. In picture books, he looks more for unforgettable characters, off-beat humor, and especially clever endings. He is actively looking for new clients, but he is not currently interested in high fantasy, message-driven stories, historical fiction or query letters that pose too many questions.

Here is the prompt for July:

Brian Bowes was featured this year on Illustrator Saturday. http://kathytemean.wordpress.com/2012/05/12/illustrator-saturday-brian-bowes/ I think all of Brian’s illustrations could tell lots of stories, so I think you will have fun writing for this one. You can see more of Brian’s work by visiting his website: www.studiobowesart.com

WRITERS: Please attach your double spaced, 12 point font, 23 line first page to an e-mail and send it to kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com. Also cut and paste it into the body of the e-mail. Put “July 23rd First Page Prompt” in the subject line.

ILLUSTRATORS: You still have until July 26th to submit an illustration for June. I’m looking for illustrations that are “Out of this world”. I am going to let you interpret that and use your imagination. So show off a little and send it something for July. I will post the illustrations as they come in during the month, but I will definitely post all by July 31st. Please make sure the illustration is at least 500 pixels wide and include a blurb about yourself and a link to see more of your work. Please send it to kathy(dot)temean(at)gmail(dot)com and put “June Illustration” in the subject box.

Hope you submit something.

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

0 Comments on Free Fall Friday – Guest Critiquer Announced as of 1/1/1900

Melissa Sarver, agent at Elizabeth Kaplan Literary Agency is our quest critiquer for May.  She is a graduate of Boston University and brings with her the experience she received by working with several agencies: Waxman Literary Agency, Brick House, and Imprint Agency (now FinePrint).

She looks for contemporary/realistic fiction, both literary and commercial; mysteries; urban fantasy; magical realism, and issue-based stories. She’s drawn to dark tales with brilliant prose and strong voice as well as quirky stories with a fresh sense of humor, and heartbreaking romances. She especially enjoys multicultural stories and similarly emotional stories with dystopian themes. She also considers Middle Grade fiction and Picture Books and you will meet here at the conference next weekend.

Melissa picked four first pages to read from what was submitted in May.  Here they are: 

Marty Preston

Untitled MG for the May 26th prompt.
I didn’t want to dress like a boy for Colonial Day, but I had no choice. Mom was working crazy hours, and couldn’t shop for my outfit until the night before. There was nothing left in my size at Old Navy─that’s where all my friends’ mothers bought colonial dresses for them. So I was stuck wearing soccer socks that I dyed with tea bags, a plain yellow pajama top, and my brother’s baseball pants, cinched at the waist and rolled up to my knees. In 90-degree heat.

“I’m sorry, sweetie. I blew it.” Mom shook her head, mad at herself, when I came downstairs the morning of Colonial Day in my makeshift get-up. “I should’ve ordered something online.”

“It’s okay.” I forced a smile. “It’ll all come together once I put the tricorne hat on at school.”   Of course, the hat would cover the colonial-esque hair ribbon, the only girl item I was wearing.

Things hadn’t been easy since Dad lost his job, so I kept my disappointment to myself. But the truth was, I really wanted one of those frilly white sundresses. Especially because my colonial family included Doug Hollis, the cutest boy in the seventh grade, at least in my opinion. (My best friend Jenna thought Ryan Tapler was the cutest.)

“That doesn’t look as bad as you made it sound.” Jenna whispered, when I took my seat next to hers in homeroom. She had on the exact dress I would’ve liked.

“I feel like a goofball,” I said. “I debated blowing off the theme. But I decided not to be  a party pooper.” Maybe I made the wrong decision. No other girls were dressed like boys.

After the flag salute, we shuffled outside.  First stop, mock trial. Jenna’s fat her played the judge, and her mother was the accused pig thief. “Guilty as charged! To the stocks!” Jenna’s dad said. Everyone laughed and we  lined up to have our photos taken in the pillory.

“Who’s the funny-looking boy in the stockade?” Tony Parisi said, in his usual snide tone.

“Shut up, Parisi,” Doug said. “Even in a boy outfit, Candace is pretty.”

My eyes widened. I planned to shout it from the rooftops later. Doug Hollis thinks I’m pretty.

MELLISA:

I think this is a great introduction to a sweet middle grade novel filled with young romance but also dealing with some very real issues of unemployment and busy working parents trying to make ends meet.  The main character deals with some of these issues in an age-appropriate way by being honestly disappointed but not overly bratty or immature in response.  I’m not sure the dialog works in all places: “blowing off t