Another snippet from "Neighbors."
Following yet another verbal confrontation, Portman has invited Taylor for a friendly drink at the neighborhood bar. Enter Joseph Martini, a customer, who after listening to the pair discuss their views on life and the garden, makes them an offer they decide to accept.
The place is Patty's Place, the bar co-owned by Patty and Portman.
MARTINI
I think I got the big picture. Don't know how'd you feel about this, but would you consider using the services of a mediator?
PORTMAN
Ain't that a person who makes street dividers – what's that gonna do for us?
You'll have to forgive my good friend here, since his vocabulary is somewhat limited. A mediator, dear neighbor, is a person who's not familiar with the parties involved, who listens to two sides of a story and then presents an unbiased opinion. Do you happen to know anyone who could do that for us? I’ve already contacted somebody who knows somebody at City Hall but if you you’ve got someone you could recommend… Of course she or he would have to have some experience with property disputes…
MARTINI
Believe it or not, it so happens that I'm a semi-retired land surveyor by trade, and I've listened to hundreds, maybe thousands, of stories involving issues like yours. I'd be willing to investigate in the way of thanks for your warm welcome here
PORTMAN
Go on! Now you tell me that this ain't fate, Taylor! Here we are in the middle of tryin' to find an answer to our problem and Martini here just happens to drop by for a drink. I mean – what are the odds of that happening, huh?
Indeed. A little too convenient if you ask me
PORTMAN
Chalk it up to fate, is all
I dunno - a supposed stranger shows up out of the blue and…
MARTINI
I can assure you, sir, that this is the first time I've visited this bar. If you'd rather pass on this opportunity…
PORTMAN
Of course he wants to get your legal opinion. Listen Taylor, if Martini here says he made a living settling arguments like ours, then he's the man for the job
MARTINI
I'll need to examine the house plans first…
It's just too convenient for my liking. Do you have anything that says you’re a surveyor?
PORTMAN
Do you ask your trash collector for identification or the local delivery guy? Why should our new friend here, have to prove to you that he is who he says he is? Don't pay no attention to him. The man’s got no manners whatsoever
MARTINI
I understand your suspicions and need to know more about me professionally but I have to tell you that I'm very busy doing contract work. So if you're not interested…
PORTMAN
Hang on a minute – I'm willing to let Martini here study the situation - and I'll even go along with his findings. How's that for blind faith, huh?
The only thing I'll agree to is that he can listen to both sides and offer an opinion, period. Let’s see what he comes up with
PORTMAN
You were the one who threatened to call a land surveyor just this very morning. Well – here he is! Any land surveyor you call in is gonna be a stranger. D'ya want this man to medicate our dispute, or not? We're here to fix fences, not build new ones
You mean mediateour dispute…
PORTMAN
See what I mean? There he goes again. Medicate…mediate…what's a 'c' between friends?
I didn't mean to insult your professional integrity, Mr. Martini
PORTMAN
Well, Ihappen to believe that friends take each other at their word, so I say - let's get on with it! Why don't we drink to…Mr. Martini's -
MARTINI
- Joey -
PORTMAN
- Joey's findings. Line 'em up Miss Patty and lemonade again for you Joey boy? And whatever my neighbor wants here
MARTINI
That's it for me or I'm gonna have to swim outta here. So, how we gonna do this?
PORTMAN
Listen – here's a plan. Why don't we wait 'til early evening, once the sun goes down, when it'll be cooler for you to measure our land. We could hang 'round here for a while and catch the bodacious babes playing volleyball on TV
I haven't agreed to Mr. Martini becoming involved yet
PORTMAN
Of course you have! You wanted a meditator and now you got one! What more could a person ask for?
MARTINI
Sounds good to me. It'll certainly make my job easier waiting until things cool down a bit
PATTY
In more ways than one
PORTMAN
So, it's agreed? We might as well stay here. Patty here will take good care of us
I suppose it can't hurt. As much as I would love to hang here with you guys, my green peppers need staking and my tomato patch needs de-weeding. How 'bout we meet later, say about…seven?
PORTMAN
We won't have to worry about workin' in the dark since my neighbor installed flood lights near his garden, to scare away veggie thieves
It's to discourage a family of groundhogs that steal at night. I don't spend all those hours to have all my stuff eaten by animal
PORTMAN
You do know that you're insultin' me again, Taylor
It's not that I don't appreciate your invitation, but I've got a lot to do around the house. Like I said, we'll meet in my back yard if that's okay with you, Mr. Martini?
MARTINI
Sounds like a plan to me
PORTMAN
Perfect-o-mundo!. Me and Joey...I mean, Mr. Martini will get to know each other better, right guy?
PORTMAN
Then it's settled. We meet at seven on your territory. By the way, I'm out of salad. If 'ya happen to have an extra head or two lyin' around…
Nice meeting you Mr. Martini
PORTMAN
You into beach volleyball, Joey boy? Wait 'til you get a look at those players. Mama mia!
MARTINI
Do they carry volleyball on basic cable?
After switching on the television, PATTY brings over two drinks. TAYLOR
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