Started writing this play a while back and have been slowly - accent on the slowly - adding-to and tweaking the play over time. Recently gave it yet another read and after deep thought and concentration, have finally come to what I believe and hope to be, a good ending. Still not finished, yet, but I've been making progress, which in itself is a good omen. Sometimes omens are all we have to propel us along.
I've shared bits and pieces of it here before but here is the latest incarnation. The cast list will most likely grow slightly. I've adapted it for this blog but the cutting and pasting isn't ideal. Comments welcome.
The story: Sometimes lessons in life come at a cost especially when the cost involves sacrifice on behalf of another.
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Blog: A. PLAYWRIGHT'S RAMBLINGS (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags: comedy-drama, Dead Writes - revised, scene from play, play exerpt, fiction, entertainment, play, playwright, playwriting, Add a tag
By: scriberess,
on 1/23/2015
CAST OF CHARACTERS
CHARLOTTE
'Scuse me…hello'? Could you tell me…? Wait a minute. Don't ignore me. You are so rude!’
Lemme be blunt like the real me: who's the corpse?
What is your problem? A name - that's all I want! It's not a lot to ask. Fine. Suit yourself. I'll find out on my own…creep!
JOSIAH
CHARLOTTE
You could give a person a heart attack sneaking up like that. And I thought I looked bad in this outfit? If you don’t mind me saying, sir, you look like a bad case of indigestion after eating too many Halloween candies. I've been trying to find out what's going on but the guy over there is ignoring me. Some people just don’t have any manners
JOSIAH
CHARLOTTE
JOSIAH
CHARLOTTE
I get it now! This place is one of those new theme clubs and you're the bartender, right? Explains a lot especially the look. So – like - you doing Liberace? That would explain my dress, too. Go figure a funeral parlor would double as a club. So where’s the booze?
JOSIAH
CHARLOTTE
JOSIAH
CHARLOTTE
JOSIAH
CHARLOTTE
JOSIAH
(Aside to mourners): ‘This is a surprise party, right? It's all a big joke. I should have known. Whose birthday is it? 'Ya don't hafta worry 'bout me giving it away! Hello? I’m talking to you all!’
Weird. They're all ignoring me like I wasn’t here or something. Dumb…dumb…dumb. Ignorance, thy name is Charlotte! This is a "for real " funeral. That has'ta be it and this here is a real body in a real coffin! Okay –so – then - why am I here? Must be somebody I knew…
CHARLOTTE
JOSIAH
CHARLOTTE
JOSIAH
CHARLOTTE
JOSIAH
CHARLOTTE
JOSIAH
CHARLOTTE
JOSIAH
CHARLOTTE
JOSIAH
CHARLOTTE
JOSIAH
CHARLOTTE
JOSIAH
CHARLOTTE
(backing away)
JOSIAH
CHARLOTTE
JOSIAH
CHARLOTTE
JOSIAH
JANICE
CHARLOTTE
JOSIAH
CHARLOTTE
JOSIAH
CHARLOTTE
JOSIAH
CHARLOTTE
JOSIAH
CHARLOTTE
- sssh! Talk softer. We're gonna get kicked out and I'll never find out who's in the coffin
MINISTER
'She didn't have any, so move on!'
MINISTER
'Good riddance to bad rubbish!'
MINISTER
MINISTER
CHARLOTTE
MINISTER
CHARLOTTE
JOSIAH
CHARLOTTE
CHARLOTTE
JOSIAH
CHARLOTTE
JOSIAH
CHARLOTTE
JOSIAH
Blog: A. PLAYWRIGHT'S RAMBLINGS (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
JacketFlap tags: death, ghosts, play, melodrama, lost souls, Dead Writes - revised, Add a tag
By: scriberess,
on 9/13/2012
SFX: THUNDER CLAP
JOSIAH
That would be another no-no - a real no-no
FELICIA
Pullleeze! God damn hell…
JOSIAH
(staring up)
‘excuse me Sir – I was just explaining the rules…’
(TO FELICIA)… That “H” word is never mentioned out loud, ever
FELICIA
For your information, words are my bread and butter, so don’t try telling me which one’s I can and can’t use. Hell! Hell! Hell! There! I said and I’m proud to have said it
JOSIAH
(staring upwards)
‘I’m trying Sir – I’m really trying! Yes I know but she’s new at this’
(TO FELICIA) At least consider my cautionary advice?
FELICIA
This is some kind of weird funeral parlor. So many damn rules!
SFX: THUNDER CLAP
FELICIA (cont'd) Can’t do this, can’t do that. Can’t swear - I mean, really, and with all due respect, my words fall on deaf ears in the true sense of the word. Strikes me that you’re familiar with the routine so maybe you can explain. I've been trying to get an angle on how and why I’m here but that that funeral guy over there won’t give me the time of day
JOSIAH
Mr. Postner, the funeral arranger? I can say with absolute certainty that he isn’t even aware of your presence
FELICIA
That’s obvious. It has’ta be this tacky outfit. I don't even own anything like this, so why and how I ended up wearing this rag is beyond me
JOSIAH
I wouldn’t worry too much about these things. In your case it doesn’t make a difference
FELICIA
I don’t want people to think I don’t have anything better. Maybe I should go home and change. Do I have time before the funeral starts?
JOSIAH
Trust me when I tell you that the last thing you should worry about is your clothing choice and as for Mr. Postner here, he’s just doing the job he has to do
FELICIA
Considering it’s his business dealing with dead bodies, the least he could do is be polite and answer me. I’m gonna make sure to tell people not to use this funeral parlor. I bet they charge big bucks, too. Maybe I’ll even write this place up in the paper
JOSIAH
Sad that many people hear the words flow out of my mouth but don't want to listen. Very sad indeed…
FELICIA
Y’know – just an observation but it’s no wonder nobody pays attention to you dressed the way you are. Doesn't exactly inspire confidence especially in this kind of business. I’m getting the impression that you’re connected to this place, am I right? Don't get insulted, mister Josiah person and I'm no fashionista, but have you considered maybe your sparkly outfit is a little over the top for this type of job? Perhaps a dark suit would be a better choice
JOSIAH
Rich and poor, they all end up in the same place…
FELICIA
You're just one happy-crappy guy, aren't you?
JOSIAH
That… person who passed on, she never bothered to reach out to anyone. Lived her entire life satisfying her corporeal needs and her ego
FELICIA
So you do know the corpse. I figured as much. Now how ‘bout sharing that with me so at least it’ll answer why I’m here
JOSIAH
In due time, in due time. So now, have you led an honorable life?
FELICIA
You sound like one of those TV preachers. What’s it your business, anyway, what kind of life I lead?
JOSIAH
I thought being that we’re getting to know each other you wouldn’t mind answering a few of my questions. I’m a very curious person by nature
FELICIA
Some would say nosey. Listen buddy boy – I don’t want to get to know you, got that? I’m here for the funeral and it would be nice to know who in the hell – heck – died. So bug off! Go stand under a Christmas tree or something!
JOSIAH
It wasn’t my intention to offend and if I did, I’m truly sorry. I just wanted to get some sort of idea what type of person you were… I mean, are.
FELICIA
I’m a little up tight with this here situation. So you wanna know about Felicia, huh. I’m not ashamed to say I’m a “been there, done that” kind of female. Isn’t that why we were put on this earth? To experience everything life has to offer?
JOSIAH
To a degree I suppose, but there’s more to it than that. You’re supposed to help your fellow human. If only people would realize when they have the chance that life is not about accumulating riches or… things. What’s important is what a person gives of themselves to make the lives of others happy
FELICIA
A philosophical funeral organizer, too – I am indeed blessed. Shoot! Lemme make this as easy as possible. You gots your users and use-ees. It’s either use or be used and I don’t take no crap from anyone. Ask anyone I work with. They’ll tell you Felicia’s no pushover
JOSIAH
We are all accountable for our actions
FELICIA
I know that I'm gonna be a better person receiving that helpful advice from Mr. Sparkle. Places like this used to give me the creeps whenever I went to a funeral. This one, though, kind of…makes me feel warm. Now don’t get the wrong impression ‘bout me – I’m not one of those funeral groupies or anything that check out the obits for kicks. You know what I mean? People that use funerals as a social occasion? I’m rambling. Maybe it’s a sign that I’m gonna join that corpse soon
JOSIAH
Could be sooner than you think
Female wanders in, stopping every so often to check out the surroundings.
She stares at JOSIAH and smiles at FELICIA
FEMALE
Hi! Nice to see another body here and I mean that in the best sense of course.
FELICIA
It’s about time somebody noticed I’m here!
FEMALE
Know where you’re coming from. Just wish I knew how I ended up here
JOSIAH
But…you shouldn’t be here, my dear. I’m guessing that you’re a friend of Michael?
Man (MICHAEL) dressed entirely in blue with glittering pants rushes in and
places his arm around female’s shoulder
MICHAEL
So there you are! You shouldn’t wander off like that. Come along now…
JOSIAH
You must take better care of your charges, Michael! You’ve been warned about losing your souls. You’ve still got two missing souls unaccounted for wandering the earth. This is not good, Michael!
MICHAEL
I’ve got a search party out looking for them. I mean, what could possibly go wrong with them? After all – they are…
JOSIAH
…better get along now
FEMALE
Nice meeting you. Why can’t I stay and chat with her….
MICHAEL leads female away
FELICIA
Another member of your group, I suppose? So, is this funeral gonna start any time soon? Gotta get back to The Sentinal before those b - bad people steal one of my leads. You seem to know how things are run, here. Can’t you move things along? I mean, those people must have jobs to go back to
JOSIAH
Do any of the mourners look familiar?
FELICIA
FELICIA studies group of mourners
Perhaps… a few strike a familiar chord… Hang on a sec - they're reporters for our newspaper. That must mean I know the stiff in the coffin. Or perhaps you do? Is it… Jack McGrath or Pete Winston? Shoot- tell me it’s not! Don't know how many times I warned them both to slow down, but did they listen? Of course not! What does an old broad like me know
JOSIAH
It's neither one of them
FELICIA
That's a relief 'cause we're the last three old farts left at the paper. We seen 'em come and we seen 'em leave. Some moved on to bigger and better papers and some left in a wooden box. Just like that poor corpse in there
JOSIAH
Don’t worry. You'll know who's in there shortly
FELICIA
This is getting ridiculous! It’s an open coffin for shit’s sake and for some weird reason, I can’t tell whose inside. Take a look at those mourners. A bunch of green kids out of J-school. What do they know about getting a story? People can't write about life without experiencing it and how much could they know at their age? No work ethic. They sit and wait for the phone to ring and take the facts over the phone. Only go after the high profile stories so they can get the byline. Things sure aren’t what they used to be
JOSIAH
The young have to learn the ropes the same way as you did but then they have a lot of time. You certainly experienced life to the fullest, didn't you?
FELICIA
Hey - I didn't need no journalism school to teach me. I had the best teacher - good old trial and error. Made mistakes and paid for them all along the way, but I learned – shit how I learned –
SFX: THUNDER CLAP
JOSIAH
- perhaps another word would be better …
FELICIA
(laughing)
You mean the word, 'shit!' Hey – I shit, you shit, we all shit – that’s nature at work!
JOSIAH
Your sense of humor eludes me
FELICIA
Well ex-cu-sez-moi! They all respect me at The Sentinal, you know. They know better than to cross this old broad. See them newbie reporters using them – whad’ya call them – knee computer crap. Gimme a good, old solid typewriter any day
JOSIAH
You never shared your accumulated knowledge with any of them, Felicia. How come?
FELICIA
You gotta be kidding. Hey – I hadda fight every step of the way to get where I am. Nobody was around to lead me by the hand and that goes for them too. They'll learn the heard way
JOSIAH
There comes a point in one's life when those who go before must pass on their wisdom to others. You obviously never learned that
FELICIA
The only thing I share is bad breath. Just tell me already so I can go home and change out of this outfit
JOSIAH
Somebody you know intimately
FELICIA
That would cover a very long list of guys. Could you gimme a hint, maybe?
JOSIAH
You'll know in due course
FELICIA
All this hush-hush top-secret stuff. If you’re one of those - what do they call them now - grief councilors , I don't need your services. Death doesn't scare me none. No siree. I’m ready to go – not yet of course
JOSIAH
Part of my duties entails helping people through a difficult period of transition. In fact I've never missed a funeral
FELICIA
What does your wife say 'bout you hanging round a funeral parlor day and night…assuming you're married…are you? Married, I mean
JOSIAH
(laughing out loud)
Not quite!
FELICIA
You don't have to kill yourself laughing. It's not such a dumb question. If I was hooked up to someone like you, I'd be wondering about your attraction to a place like this
JOSIAH
I'm sorry. It's not your question that tickles my funny bone. Once all is revealed…well – you'll understand the reason for my amusement soon enough
FELICIA
Is it necessary for you to keep talking in riddles? You keep hinting at…like there's something I should know but don't. I'm getting these flashes…a feeling that our paths have crossed …somewhere. It's like… just out of reach of my consciousness
JOSIAH
We've had a few close encounters in the past, Felicia, but this is the first time we've met one-on-one so to speak
FELICIA
Strikes me that this corpse wasn't too popular in life judging by the few people who showed up to say goodbye. Then again, real friends are hard to come by
JOSIAH
It's actually quite sad. That person believed she –
FELICIA
- so it's a woman -
JOSIAH
As I was saying she assumed she never needed people and in the end, seems that they weren't there for her when she needed them most
Mourner moves to front of room, and stands in front of coffin
FELICIA
'Janice? Hey girl, we were supposed to meet for lunch yesterday! I showed up but where were you?' Janice is my closest friend at the paper
JANICE
JANICE talks to "person" in the coffin
You miserable, lying bitch! At last you made a useful contribution to the world and left it! Good riddance to bad rubbish
FELICIA
‘Is that a way to talk about the dearly departed? Even dead people deserve respect from the living.’ No class but that’s part of who she is and I accept her ‘cause we’re best friends
JANICE touches the coffin and returns to her seat
She's probably pissed 'cause the corpse stole a lead away from her. 'Ya gotta move quickly if 'ya want a byline in our biz. You snooze – you lose. We better take a seat with the rest of them. Looks like everyone from the paper is here so who’s the corpse
FELICIA takes a seat next to JANICE.
ASIDE TO JANICE: You never did have any class, girl.
Turns to the man sitting on the other side of her
Hey Pete-ee! So, how's it goin' with you?
(PETE) ignores FELICIA, talks to the female on his other side
(Cont’d.) Hey - I'm speaking to you. What's with them all, today?
JOSIAH
He can't hear you
FELICIA
Oh please! He hears me all right but he's busy chatting up the new reporter, Chloe Starshine. That guy can't keep his zipper closed around the opposite sex, if you get my drift
JOSIAH
Has it dawned on you, yet, why you're here?
FELICIA
To pay my respects to someone in the print 'biz. What else? You know…I've covered practically every kind of story but I can't ever remember spending the night in a funeral parlor. This is a new one for me and it's about this outfit I'm wearing. I'm assuming I didn't have time to change 'cause I wouldn't be caught dead in this
JOSIAH
(bursts out laughing)
In your state clothes are the last things you should worry about…
FELICIA
I'm happy you find me so amusing. Ssh! I wanna hear the name of the corpse, I mean dearly departed
MINISTER steps behind podium
MINISTER
Friends…
Voice calls out:
'She didn't have any!'
MINISTER
…we are here to bid goodbye to one…
Another voice:
'Good riddance to bad rubbish!'
MINISTER
…a…good reporter and… a good friend and colleague…
FELICIA
At last I'm gonna find out who this mystery person is. Strikes me she sure wasn't liked, but even dead people deserve respect
FELICIA stands up and addresses everyone
'That's no way to speak about the dead, you bunch of parasites. Show some remorse!'
MINISTER
Is there anyone here who has something positive to say, about the departed? A few words would suffice. Surely there must be one person in this entire room that could say a few nice words about the late Felicia Pembrook? Anybody?
FELICIA
I can speak for myself, thank you very much…What's with this "late" crap? What am I late for? A meeting…an interview… I’m sure I checked my agenda…
MINISTER
No one? Then we'll have a quick service for Ms Pembroke and you can all go back to work
FELICIA
Is this guy for real? Let me make this very clear: 'I'm among you, in the flesh! Look at me! I'm sitting right here.'
JOSIAH
I've been trying to tell you…
FELICIA
I know what's going on here. They've all staged this to teach me a lesson. 'Well, it won't work people! I'm on to you all!'
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Blog: A. PLAYWRIGHT'S RAMBLINGS (Login to Add to MyJacketFlap)
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DEAD WRITES
By Eleanor Tylbor
CHARLOTTE PEMBROOK: 50-something; former reporter, deceased
JOSIAH: Heavenly "Spiritual Adviser - Disembodied Souls Division:
MIA STEVENSON: Ambitious young reporter
THE TIME
PRESENT DAY, MORNING
THE PLACE
Anywhere
SETTING: A funeral parlor
AT RISE: A group of people are seated in a funeral chapel, socializing for the most part, while waiting for the service to begin. A coffin is situated on an elevated stand in the middle of the room.
CHARLOTTE PEMBROOK, wearing a diaphanous flowing dress lays next to the coffin. Slowly she sits up, looks around in a confused, slightly stunned state. Touching her arms and body parts, she moves to an upright position and pulls at the material of her dress
FX: SOMBER MUSIC
Really must'a tied one on last night. Weird, though. No hang-over like usual.
Stands upright, moves closer to coffin, straining to see inside. A funeral organizer passes by without acknowledging her presence. She pokes him in the back, to no avail.
He ignores her, focusing on the coffin
Man continues to ignore her
A man, JOSIAH, enters and stands directly behind CHARLOTTE. Dressed entirely in white, he glitters from head to toe
JOSIAH
There's really no need to yell. I can provide you with that information
Startled, she whirls around to face him
You could give a person a heart attack sneaking up like that. And I thought I looked bad in this outfit? If you don’t mind me saying, sir, you look like a bad case of indigestion after eating too many Halloween candies. I've been trying to find out what's going on but the guy over there is ignoring me. Some people just don’t have any manners
JOSIAH
He can't hear you
CHARLOTTE
It’s not like me not to remember some details of the night before but my mind is a complete blank. Not even a few flashes. Nothing
JOSIAH
Not surprising. You’ll get used to it
CHARLOTTE
I get it now! This place is one of those new theme clubs and you're the bartender, right? Explains a lot especially the look. So – like - you doing Liberace? That would explain my dress, too. Go figure a funeral parlor would double as a club. So where’s the booze?
JOSIAH
The one thing I can assure you is that this is not a nightclub. You know…if you really want, Icould tell you who's in that coffin
CHARLOTTE
How would you know that unless… What’s wrong with me? Here's me going on about nothing and you're burying someone who means a lot to you. That’s it, isn’t it? Sometimes I'm so dense. My sympathies.
JOSIAH
You could say I’m related to that dead person. In fact - I'm close with most people that pass through
CHARLOTTE
You work here, then?
JOSIAH
In a way. Death is the human equalizer, don't you think? Everyone is on an equal plane no matter how important your life was or how much money you had or how much power you wielded
CHARLOTTE
I suppose so - can't say I've given it much thought, lately. You wouldn’t happen to know how I ended up here, though, would you?
JOSIAH
Do these mourners strike a familiar chord?
CHARLOTTE glances at the mourners
Vaguely... Hang on a minute! These people work with me!
She strains to see in the coffin again without results
CHARLOTTE
You seem to know a lot about this. Was it Don McGrath or Pete Winston? Don't know how many times I warned them both to slow down, but did they listen? ‘Course not! What does an old broad like me know, right? Burn the candle at both ends and you’re gonna burn your light out, I told them time and time again. Everyone thinks they’re gonna live forever
JOSIAH
It wasn't either one of them
CHARLOTTE
That's a relief 'cause we're the last three old farts left at The Sentinal. Started out together at the same time and we've seen 'em come and we seen 'em leave. Some on to bigger and better and some like this here person, in a wooden box. Things are sure different now. Back when we were in our prime, the only thing we had'da know was a keyboard. Nowadays everything is electronic - cyber this, cyber that. They'll soon find a way to replace us all with computer systems and you know what? Nobody will give a damn
JOSIAH
They'll always be a need for the human touch
CHARLOTTE
Look at 'em all…young kids just out of J-school. What do they know about getting’ a story? How can you write about life if you never experienced it? This really is a real funeral, isn’t it?
JOSIAH
Unfortunately, you are correct
CHARLOTTE
Guess you were a friend of the corpse, then, or related?
JOSIAH
I'm friends with a lot of people. You can say that I help them through a difficult period
CHARLOTTE
So you're one of those - what do they call them - grief councillors? Bet you go to a lotta funerals
JOSIAH
I can honestly say that I've never missed one
CHARLOTTE
Never?
JOSIAH
Never in all the years I've been assigned here
CHARLOTTE
Have we met somewhere before, maybe a long while back? The more I look at you, the more familiar your face seems to me. Wait a minute! It’s so obvious as the nose on my face. You're a new bartender at Pat's watering hole. I'll pay my tab next week, I swear, it's just that I've been running a little short lately…
JOSIAH
We've had a few close encounters in the past, Charlotte, but this is the first time we've met one-on-one. My drinking days are history in the true sense of the word but you seem very caught up with alcoholic beverages
CHARLOTTE
Got it now. You own the new funeral parlor down the block and you're here to scope out the competition
JOSIAH
Not…exactly but you could say I'm in the funeral business since I make a point never to miss any. In fact, funeral parlors are where I first connect with…
CHARLOTTE
(backing away)Hey! You're not one of those slimy creeps who pick up rich, lonely women at funerals. Listen buddy, I'm not rich and certainly not in the market to add a new man in my life. Been there, done that, too many times. Know what I mean?
JOSIAH
(laughing)
You're quite priceless, my dear. Trust me when I say my interest in you is anything but corporeal in nature. You do like games, don't you, with all your questions that I would be glad to answer. There really is no secret
CHARLOTTE
It's my nature to snoop and dig for answers
JOSIAH
You don't have to. I'd be most happy to supply you with the necessary information but if you insist. Have it your way
CHARLOTTE
Strikes me that this corpse wasn't too popular in life judging by the amount of people who showed up here
JOSIAH
It's all quite sad, actually. She believed she never needed people and in the end, seems that people weren't there when she needed them most
Mourner moves to front of room and stands in front of coffin
So the departed is a female. Looky who's here! It’s my friend and co-worker, Janice. Hey girl, we were supposed to meet for lunch yesterday! I showed up but what happened to you?
JANICE
Miserable, lying witch! At last you made a useful contribution to the world and left it! Good riddance to bad rubbish
CHARLOTTE
Is that the way to talk about the dearly departed? Even dead people deserve respect from the living. Your mama never taught you any manners?
JANICE touches the coffin and returns to her seat
(aside to JANICE): ‘Janice? You-hoo! It's me.’
(aside to JOSIAH) I'm not surprised! She was always a grudge holder. We better take a seat…the minister is here
Gives Janice "the finger" while passing her by and sits with others, accompanied by JOSIAH
(Cont’d. CHARLOTTE - aside to male, PETE): ‘Heeeey Pete-eee! So, how things goin' with you? Sorry 'bout that story, but I just couldn't help myself. In fact, I did just that. I'll return the favor in the future. You know how it is in our biz’
(PETE) ignores CHARLOTTE and talks to female on other side
(Cont’d. CHARLOTTE) Still mad at me, huh? See if I care! That’s the last time I share a lead with him, let me tell you
JOSIAH
CHARLOTTE
What are you talking about? Of course he can but he's busy chatting up the new receptionist. Probably still pissed 'cause I stole a lead on the story he was after! Far
be it for me to beg forgiveness. He knows that's the way things work. First come - first served!
JOSIAH
And you certainly helped yourself, a lot, didn't you?
CHARLOTTE
Listen, if something falls into my hands, who am I not to take advantage? I needed a lead and Pete was nice enough to do the legwork for me. We're old friends anyway. He'll come around, won't you sweetie?
JOSIAH
You find a way to justify everything. Has it dawned on you, yet, why you're here and that people are ignoring your presence?
CHARLOTTE
What other reason than to pay my respects to someone in the paper 'biz. Really bugging me, though, how I got here and landed up lying next to a coffin. I've covered practically every kind of story but I can't ever remember spending the night in a funeral parlor. Maybe I was after a story but why is my mind blank?
JOSIAH
Merely a temporary fog that will clear after you -
- sssh! Talk softer. We're gonna get kicked out and I'll never find out who's in the coffin
MINISTER steps behind podium
MINISTER
Friends…
Voice calls out:
'She didn't have any, so move on!'
MINISTER
..we are here to bid goodbye to one…
Another voice:
'Good riddance to bad rubbish!'
MINISTER
…a…good reporter, a good friend and colleague.
CHARLOTTE
This dead person must'a really screwed them over but good, but she – you did say it was a woman? Like I was saying, the dead deserve some respect too.
CHARLOTTE stands up and addresses everyone
'That's no way to speak about the dead, you bunch of parasites. Have some respect!'
MINISTER
Is there anyone here who has something positive to say, about the departed? Surely there must be one person in this entire room that could say a few nice words about the late Charlotte Pembrook?
CHARLOTTE
Excuse me? I can speak for myself, thank you very much… What's with this "late" junk?
MINISTER
No one? Then we'll proceed with the service
CHARLOTTE
What in the hell is he talking about? 'I'm still among you, in the flesh! Look! I’m here’
JOSIAH
Please try to control using the "H" word? I've been trying to tell you that no one can hear you – or see you, either
CHARLOTTE
They're doing it on purpose to teach me a lesson. ‘Well, it won't work people! I'm on to you all!’
CHARLOTTE stands up on chair, waves and screams on top of her lungs
CHARLOTTE
‘Charlotte is here! The old witch is alive and kicking. You can't ignore me forever’
JOSIAH walks to the front of the room and stands behind the coffin
JOSIAH
I'm the only person who can see you, at least for now
CHARLOTTE
Calm down, Charlotte. There’s a very simple explanation for all of this. I’ve had too much too drink and this is just a nightmare. Soon I'm gonna wake up and everything will be like it should. That’s it. A nightmare.
JOSIAH
What’s the last thing you can remember?
CHARLOTTE
Food! I was at The Rib Rack gnawing on a rib. Must’a been a bad rack or something to give me a nightmare like this. Alright – gotta calm down. I’m okay…gotta will myself to wake up…time to wake up now… C’mon body – wake up!
JOSIAH
Come over here and take a peak inside
CHARLOTTE moves slowly to the front of the coffin and peers down. She jumps back
CHARLOTTE
If this is a bad joke, I don't have a good sense of humor, today. Enough is enough, already. I don't know how you did this, Joey or whatever your name is to make a person look just like me. A dummy - it's a dummy, right? Hey - it's been a blast meeting you, but I got things to do, places to go…
Aside to mourners
‘Okay you guys. You pulled off the ultimate practical joke. Got me fair and square. I give in. C'mon – don't be such grudge holders! You know I was only doing what you would'a done in my place’
JOSIAH
It's you in there for real
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DEAD WRITES
(NEW REVISION: 9-13-2012)
Scanning over my files, came accross a newer version of this play. For the record, I've always believed this has potential but for whatever reason (laziness springs to mind), never pursued it. Did some updating and tweaking with the end result posted here. As always, critiques both pro and con always appreciated. If not - enjoy.
"DEAD WRITES"
by Eleanor Tylbor
SCENE I
SETTING: A funeral parlor - Early afternoon
AT RISE: A funeral chapel. A group of people chat between themselves while waiting for the service to begin. A coffin is situated on an elevated stand in the middle of the room
FELICIA PEMBROOK, wearing a diaphanous dress, sits on the floor next to a coffin examining her surroundings. Slowly, she examines her body, touching her dress
LIGHTING: Dim lighting, except for a coffin in the middle of the room, which is spot-lit with a white light.
SOUND: somber organ music.
SETTING: A funeral parlor - Early afternoon
AT RISE: A funeral chapel. A group of people chat between themselves while waiting for the service to begin. A coffin is situated on an elevated stand in the middle of the room
FELICIA PEMBROOK, wearing a diaphanous dress, sits on the floor next to a coffin examining her surroundings. Slowly, she examines her body, touching her dress
LIGHTING: Dim lighting, except for a coffin in the middle of the room, which is spot-lit with a white light.
SOUND: somber organ music.
FELICIA
(cont’d) 'Scuse me…hello'?'
Man continues to ignore her, focusing and fixing the inside of the
coffin
(cont’d) Is this a… for real funeral parlor? Shoot! What’s the matter with me? Duh! This is another of Phil’s dumb jokes. Wait ‘til I get him…
Man continues to ignore her
Don’t bother answering me or anything… Fine – suit yourself. I'll find out on my own!
A male (JOSIAH) enters and stands directly behind FELICIA.
He has white hair, is dressed in a white shirt and matching
white pants that glitter
JOSIAH
Perhaps I could be of assistance?
FELICIA
Whoa! What do we have here? A human Christmas tree ornament
SFX: THUNDER CLAP
JOSIAH
I beg your pardon?
FELICIA
Do you come with sound effects, too?
JOSIAH
A suggestion here and take it for what it’s worth but your choice of words could prove to be problematic
FELICIA
You an agent for the grammar police? Do we know each other?
JOSIAH
Excuse me?
FELICIA
A little nervous are we, when I mention “po-lice”? Perhaps you’ve dealt with them on occasion?
JOSIAH
In my business we deal with all types and police officers are very common in my milieu
FELICIA
Not surprising. You earn your living dressed like… that?
JOSIAH
Sorry?
FELICIA
Wigs? Makeup? Do I have to draw you a picture?
JOSIAH
I’m not sure of what you’re getting at…
FELICIA
You don’t have to be shy with me. I’m very liberal minded when it comes to life style choices. Different strokes for different folks I always say
JOSIAH
You mean what I'm wearing. We all wear white where I come from and this glitter sort-of attached itself to me. Don’t quite know why
FELICIA
Is your family okay with all of this?
JOSIAH
They’re very much aware of my work. In fact they rely almost entirely on my input. I’m an important source of information.
FELICIA
You’re not one of those people who – you know - like to get up close and personal with dead bodies.
JOSIAH
If you’re asking me if I mind being present among those that have passed…
FELICIA
Damn! Do I have to spell it out for you
(cont’d) 'Scuse me…hello'?'
Man continues to ignore her, focusing and fixing the inside of the
coffin
(cont’d) Is this a… for real funeral parlor? Shoot! What’s the matter with me? Duh! This is another of Phil’s dumb jokes. Wait ‘til I get him…
Man continues to ignore her
Don’t bother answering me or anything… Fine – suit yourself. I'll find out on my own!
A male (JOSIAH) enters and stands directly behind FELICIA.
He has white hair, is dressed in a white shirt and matching
white pants that glitter
JOSIAH
Perhaps I could be of assistance?
FELICIA
Whoa! What do we have here? A human Christmas tree ornament
SFX: THUNDER CLAP
JOSIAH
I beg your pardon?
FELICIA
Do you come with sound effects, too?
JOSIAH
A suggestion here and take it for what it’s worth but your choice of words could prove to be problematic
FELICIA
You an agent for the grammar police? Do we know each other?
JOSIAH
Excuse me?
FELICIA
A little nervous are we, when I mention “po-lice”? Perhaps you’ve dealt with them on occasion?
JOSIAH
In my business we deal with all types and police officers are very common in my milieu
FELICIA
Not surprising. You earn your living dressed like… that?
JOSIAH
Sorry?
FELICIA
Wigs? Makeup? Do I have to draw you a picture?
JOSIAH
I’m not sure of what you’re getting at…
FELICIA
You don’t have to be shy with me. I’m very liberal minded when it comes to life style choices. Different strokes for different folks I always say
JOSIAH
You mean what I'm wearing. We all wear white where I come from and this glitter sort-of attached itself to me. Don’t quite know why
FELICIA
Is your family okay with all of this?
JOSIAH
They’re very much aware of my work. In fact they rely almost entirely on my input. I’m an important source of information.
FELICIA
You’re not one of those people who – you know - like to get up close and personal with dead bodies.
JOSIAH
If you’re asking me if I mind being present among those that have passed…
FELICIA
Damn! Do I have to spell it out for you
SFX: THUNDER CLAP
JOSIAH
(staring upward)
'Yes – of course!'
(Cont’d. JOSIAH) Please watch the manner in which you speak. Where I reside that’s one of the words considered an offensive term of reference
JOSIAH
(staring upward)
'Yes – of course!'
(Cont’d. JOSIAH) Please watch the manner in which you speak. Where I reside that’s one of the words considered an offensive term of reference
FELICIA
(glancing upward)
Something with the ceiling? What is it with you and the way I speak? Hell - it’s none of your damned business
(glancing upward)
Something with the ceiling? What is it with you and the way I speak? Hell - it’s none of your damned business
SFX: THUNDER CLAP
JOSIAH
That would be another no-no - a real no-no
FELICIA
Pullleeze! God damn hell…
SFX: THUNDER CLAP
JOSIAH
You must stop! Is it really necessary to use those words?
FELICIA
It’s my mouth and I can choose what comes out of it. Hell, there have been more than words rolling out but I’ll spare you the details…
SFX: THUNDER CLAP
JOSIAH
You must stop! Is it really necessary to use those words?
FELICIA
It’s my mouth and I can choose what comes out of it. Hell, there have been more than words rolling out but I’ll spare you the details…
SFX: THUNDER CLAP
JOSIAH
(staring up)
‘excuse me Sir – I was just explaining the rules…’
(TO FELICIA)… That “H” word is never mentioned out loud, ever
FELICIA
For your information, words are my bread and butter, so don’t try telling me which one’s I can and can’t use. Hell! Hell! Hell! There! I said and I’m proud to have said it
JOSIAH
(staring upwards)
‘I’m trying Sir – I’m really trying! Yes I know but she’s new at this’
(TO FELICIA) At least consider my cautionary advice?
FELICIA
This is some kind of weird funeral parlor. So many damn rules!
SFX: THUNDER CLAP
FELICIA (cont'd) Can’t do this, can’t do that. Can’t swear - I mean, really, and with all due respect, my words fall on deaf ears in the true sense of the word. Strikes me that you’re familiar with the routine so maybe you can explain. I've been trying to get an angle on how and why I’m here but that that funeral guy over there won’t give me the time of day
JOSIAH
Mr. Postner, the funeral arranger? I can say with absolute certainty that he isn’t even aware of your presence
FELICIA
That’s obvious. It has’ta be this tacky outfit. I don't even own anything like this, so why and how I ended up wearing this rag is beyond me
JOSIAH
I wouldn’t worry too much about these things. In your case it doesn’t make a difference
FELICIA
I don’t want people to think I don’t have anything better. Maybe I should go home and change. Do I have time before the funeral starts?
JOSIAH
Trust me when I tell you that the last thing you should worry about is your clothing choice and as for Mr. Postner here, he’s just doing the job he has to do
FELICIA
Considering it’s his business dealing with dead bodies, the least he could do is be polite and answer me. I’m gonna make sure to tell people not to use this funeral parlor. I bet they charge big bucks, too. Maybe I’ll even write this place up in the paper
JOSIAH
Sad that many people hear the words flow out of my mouth but don't want to listen. Very sad indeed…
FELICIA
Y’know – just an observation but it’s no wonder nobody pays attention to you dressed the way you are. Doesn't exactly inspire confidence especially in this kind of business. I’m getting the impression that you’re connected to this place, am I right? Don't get insulted, mister Josiah person and I'm no fashionista, but have you considered maybe your sparkly outfit is a little over the top for this type of job? Perhaps a dark suit would be a better choice
JOSIAH
Rich and poor, they all end up in the same place…
FELICIA
You're just one happy-crappy guy, aren't you?
JOSIAH
That… person who passed on, she never bothered to reach out to anyone. Lived her entire life satisfying her corporeal needs and her ego
FELICIA
So you do know the corpse. I figured as much. Now how ‘bout sharing that with me so at least it’ll answer why I’m here
JOSIAH
In due time, in due time. So now, have you led an honorable life?
FELICIA
You sound like one of those TV preachers. What’s it your business, anyway, what kind of life I lead?
JOSIAH
I thought being that we’re getting to know each other you wouldn’t mind answering a few of my questions. I’m a very curious person by nature
FELICIA
Some would say nosey. Listen buddy boy – I don’t want to get to know you, got that? I’m here for the funeral and it would be nice to know who in the hell – heck – died. So bug off! Go stand under a Christmas tree or something!
JOSIAH
It wasn’t my intention to offend and if I did, I’m truly sorry. I just wanted to get some sort of idea what type of person you were… I mean, are.
FELICIA
I’m a little up tight with this here situation. So you wanna know about Felicia, huh. I’m not ashamed to say I’m a “been there, done that” kind of female. Isn’t that why we were put on this earth? To experience everything life has to offer?
JOSIAH
To a degree I suppose, but there’s more to it than that. You’re supposed to help your fellow human. If only people would realize when they have the chance that life is not about accumulating riches or… things. What’s important is what a person gives of themselves to make the lives of others happy
FELICIA
A philosophical funeral organizer, too – I am indeed blessed. Shoot! Lemme make this as easy as possible. You gots your users and use-ees. It’s either use or be used and I don’t take no crap from anyone. Ask anyone I work with. They’ll tell you Felicia’s no pushover
JOSIAH
We are all accountable for our actions
FELICIA
I know that I'm gonna be a better person receiving that helpful advice from Mr. Sparkle. Places like this used to give me the creeps whenever I went to a funeral. This one, though, kind of…makes me feel warm. Now don’t get the wrong impression ‘bout me – I’m not one of those funeral groupies or anything that check out the obits for kicks. You know what I mean? People that use funerals as a social occasion? I’m rambling. Maybe it’s a sign that I’m gonna join that corpse soon
JOSIAH
Could be sooner than you think
Female wanders in, stopping every so often to check out the surroundings.
She stares at JOSIAH and smiles at FELICIA
FEMALE
Hi! Nice to see another body here and I mean that in the best sense of course.
FELICIA
It’s about time somebody noticed I’m here!
FEMALE
Know where you’re coming from. Just wish I knew how I ended up here
JOSIAH
But…you shouldn’t be here, my dear. I’m guessing that you’re a friend of Michael?
Man (MICHAEL) dressed entirely in blue with glittering pants rushes in and
places his arm around female’s shoulder
MICHAEL
So there you are! You shouldn’t wander off like that. Come along now…
JOSIAH
You must take better care of your charges, Michael! You’ve been warned about losing your souls. You’ve still got two missing souls unaccounted for wandering the earth. This is not good, Michael!
MICHAEL
I’ve got a search party out looking for them. I mean, what could possibly go wrong with them? After all – they are…
JOSIAH
…better get along now
FEMALE
Nice meeting you. Why can’t I stay and chat with her….
MICHAEL leads female away
FELICIA
Another member of your group, I suppose? So, is this funeral gonna start any time soon? Gotta get back to The Sentinal before those b - bad people steal one of my leads. You seem to know how things are run, here. Can’t you move things along? I mean, those people must have jobs to go back to
JOSIAH
Do any of the mourners look familiar?
FELICIA
FELICIA studies group of mourners
Perhaps… a few strike a familiar chord… Hang on a sec - they're reporters for our newspaper. That must mean I know the stiff in the coffin. Or perhaps you do? Is it… Jack McGrath or Pete Winston? Shoot- tell me it’s not! Don't know how many times I warned them both to slow down, but did they listen? Of course not! What does an old broad like me know
JOSIAH
It's neither one of them
FELICIA
That's a relief 'cause we're the last three old farts left at the paper. We seen 'em come and we seen 'em leave. Some moved on to bigger and better papers and some left in a wooden box. Just like that poor corpse in there
JOSIAH
Don’t worry. You'll know who's in there shortly
FELICIA
This is getting ridiculous! It’s an open coffin for shit’s sake and for some weird reason, I can’t tell whose inside. Take a look at those mourners. A bunch of green kids out of J-school. What do they know about getting a story? People can't write about life without experiencing it and how much could they know at their age? No work ethic. They sit and wait for the phone to ring and take the facts over the phone. Only go after the high profile stories so they can get the byline. Things sure aren’t what they used to be
JOSIAH
The young have to learn the ropes the same way as you did but then they have a lot of time. You certainly experienced life to the fullest, didn't you?
FELICIA
Hey - I didn't need no journalism school to teach me. I had the best teacher - good old trial and error. Made mistakes and paid for them all along the way, but I learned – shit how I learned –
SFX: THUNDER CLAP
JOSIAH
- perhaps another word would be better …
FELICIA
(laughing)
You mean the word, 'shit!' Hey – I shit, you shit, we all shit – that’s nature at work!
JOSIAH
Your sense of humor eludes me
FELICIA
Well ex-cu-sez-moi! They all respect me at The Sentinal, you know. They know better than to cross this old broad. See them newbie reporters using them – whad’ya call them – knee computer crap. Gimme a good, old solid typewriter any day
JOSIAH
You never shared your accumulated knowledge with any of them, Felicia. How come?
FELICIA
You gotta be kidding. Hey – I hadda fight every step of the way to get where I am. Nobody was around to lead me by the hand and that goes for them too. They'll learn the heard way
JOSIAH
There comes a point in one's life when those who go before must pass on their wisdom to others. You obviously never learned that
FELICIA
The only thing I share is bad breath. Just tell me already so I can go home and change out of this outfit
JOSIAH
Somebody you know intimately
FELICIA
That would cover a very long list of guys. Could you gimme a hint, maybe?
JOSIAH
You'll know in due course
FELICIA
All this hush-hush top-secret stuff. If you’re one of those - what do they call them now - grief councilors , I don't need your services. Death doesn't scare me none. No siree. I’m ready to go – not yet of course
JOSIAH
Part of my duties entails helping people through a difficult period of transition. In fact I've never missed a funeral
FELICIA
What does your wife say 'bout you hanging round a funeral parlor day and night…assuming you're married…are you? Married, I mean
JOSIAH
(laughing out loud)
Not quite!
FELICIA
You don't have to kill yourself laughing. It's not such a dumb question. If I was hooked up to someone like you, I'd be wondering about your attraction to a place like this
JOSIAH
I'm sorry. It's not your question that tickles my funny bone. Once all is revealed…well – you'll understand the reason for my amusement soon enough
FELICIA
Is it necessary for you to keep talking in riddles? You keep hinting at…like there's something I should know but don't. I'm getting these flashes…a feeling that our paths have crossed …somewhere. It's like… just out of reach of my consciousness
JOSIAH
We've had a few close encounters in the past, Felicia, but this is the first time we've met one-on-one so to speak
FELICIA
Strikes me that this corpse wasn't too popular in life judging by the few people who showed up to say goodbye. Then again, real friends are hard to come by
JOSIAH
It's actually quite sad. That person believed she –
FELICIA
- so it's a woman -
JOSIAH
As I was saying she assumed she never needed people and in the end, seems that they weren't there for her when she needed them most
Mourner moves to front of room, and stands in front of coffin
FELICIA
'Janice? Hey girl, we were supposed to meet for lunch yesterday! I showed up but where were you?' Janice is my closest friend at the paper
JANICE
JANICE talks to "person" in the coffin
You miserable, lying bitch! At last you made a useful contribution to the world and left it! Good riddance to bad rubbish
FELICIA
‘Is that a way to talk about the dearly departed? Even dead people deserve respect from the living.’ No class but that’s part of who she is and I accept her ‘cause we’re best friends
JANICE touches the coffin and returns to her seat
She's probably pissed 'cause the corpse stole a lead away from her. 'Ya gotta move quickly if 'ya want a byline in our biz. You snooze – you lose. We better take a seat with the rest of them. Looks like everyone from the paper is here so who’s the corpse
FELICIA takes a seat next to JANICE.
ASIDE TO JANICE: You never did have any class, girl.
Turns to the man sitting on the other side of her
Hey Pete-ee! So, how's it goin' with you?
(PETE) ignores FELICIA, talks to the female on his other side
(Cont’d.) Hey - I'm speaking to you. What's with them all, today?
JOSIAH
He can't hear you
FELICIA
Oh please! He hears me all right but he's busy chatting up the new reporter, Chloe Starshine. That guy can't keep his zipper closed around the opposite sex, if you get my drift
JOSIAH
Has it dawned on you, yet, why you're here?
FELICIA
To pay my respects to someone in the print 'biz. What else? You know…I've covered practically every kind of story but I can't ever remember spending the night in a funeral parlor. This is a new one for me and it's about this outfit I'm wearing. I'm assuming I didn't have time to change 'cause I wouldn't be caught dead in this
JOSIAH
(bursts out laughing)
In your state clothes are the last things you should worry about…
FELICIA
I'm happy you find me so amusing. Ssh! I wanna hear the name of the corpse, I mean dearly departed
MINISTER steps behind podium
MINISTER
Friends…
Voice calls out:
'She didn't have any!'
MINISTER
…we are here to bid goodbye to one…
Another voice:
'Good riddance to bad rubbish!'
MINISTER
…a…good reporter and… a good friend and colleague…
FELICIA
At last I'm gonna find out who this mystery person is. Strikes me she sure wasn't liked, but even dead people deserve respect
FELICIA stands up and addresses everyone
'That's no way to speak about the dead, you bunch of parasites. Show some remorse!'
MINISTER
Is there anyone here who has something positive to say, about the departed? A few words would suffice. Surely there must be one person in this entire room that could say a few nice words about the late Felicia Pembrook? Anybody?
FELICIA
I can speak for myself, thank you very much…What's with this "late" crap? What am I late for? A meeting…an interview… I’m sure I checked my agenda…
MINISTER
No one? Then we'll have a quick service for Ms Pembroke and you can all go back to work
FELICIA
Is this guy for real? Let me make this very clear: 'I'm among you, in the flesh! Look at me! I'm sitting right here.'
JOSIAH
I've been trying to tell you…
FELICIA
I know what's going on here. They've all staged this to teach me a lesson. 'Well, it won't work people! I'm on to you all!'
FELICIA stands up on chair, waves and screams
FELICIA
Felicia is here among you! The old witch is alive and kicking. You can't ignore me forever
JOSIAH walks to the front of the room, and stands behind the coffin
JOSIAH
I'm the only person who can see – and hear you
FELICIA
You keep saying that and you expect me to believe it? A guy dressed like a Christmas tree ornament?
JOSIAH
Believe it or not – it's the truth. Haven't you wondered why no one has acknowledged your existence? You know as a reporter you have to deal with the facts and the facts here are undeniable. This will probably be a shocker to you but you-are-dead, my dear!
FELICIA
You're one crazy weirdo! This is just another nightmare - it has to be a nightmare. Must'a eaten a bad rack of ribs. All right… I'm willing myself to wake up now…wake-up…wake-up…c'mon body – get up!
JOSIAH
Come over here and take a peak inside
FELICIA looks hesitatingly inside and jumps back
FELICIA
If this is a bad joke, I don't have a good sense of humor, today. Enough is enough, already. I don't know how you did this, making a person look just like me. It's been a blast but I got things to do, places to go…
Aside to mourners
'Okay you guys. You pulled off the ultimate practical joke. Got me fair and square. I give in…'
JOSIAH
It's you in there for real
FELICIA
(laughing lightly)
Who hired you, huh, and how much did they pay to help pull off this prank? Whatever they gave you – I'll double it to get even
JOSIAH
Money is of no significance and it's the real thing - or you're the real thing
FELICIA
Is this one of those dinner theatre productions and I'm playing myself? That's it, right? Please say it is!
JOSIAH
Trust me when I tell you that you are here in spirit only
FELICIA
Oh I got spirit, all right and it comes straight out'ta a bottle of vodka. You don't happen to have a flask on you? I could really use a shot right now
JOSIAH
Go on - check your body out…
FELICIA runs her hand over her body
FELICIA
It's like I'm touching…nothing
JOSIAH
There is no more Felicia Pembroke as you knew her. In fact you don't really have a body at all. It's a transitory illusion so you can accomplish your job
FELICIA
She paces back and forth in a panic
This isn't real - it can't be - I don't want this to be real! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! See – I don’t always swear. When…how did this happen?
JOSIAH
Your passing occurred two days ago. A massive heart attack while eating a Big Mickey Trio. Died with a french-fry stuck in your throat
FELICIA
Didn't somebody try and give me CPR or something?
JOSIAH
The restaurant staff worked on you but it was your time to go, so nothing helped
FELICIA
If I'm - I can't even say the word, never mind accept it - dead like you say, then what am I doing here? Shouldn't I be…you know…in a heavenly place or something? This sure ain't heaven and I don't hear harps playing anywhere
JOSIAH
(laughing)
Only in films, my dear
FELICIA
Why am I still here? I see people…
JOSIAH
…but they can’t see you. Perhaps an introduction is in order now. Officially, my title is Josiah, Spiritual Adviser – Disembodied Souls Division – we call ourselves the SADD people – a little inside joke
FELICIA
Just…Josiah?
JOSIAH
Just…Josiah. No last names
FELICIA
Okay tell me… Josiah, what I'm supposed to do next? Hang around here and haunt this place?
JOSIAH
It's not quite as simple as that. In most cases a person dies and the soul moves on to wherever it's supposed to go. However, we've run into – how do you say down here – a snag in processing your case to its finality
FELICIA
What kind of snag are we talking about? Not major I’m hoping. I still got things to do
JOSIAH
Actually, this is a little embarrassing. The Judgment Assembly - of which I'm a member – is in charge of processing the paper work and can't decide on the fate of your
soul. There’s a split among a few of us as to whether you really belong with the people of light or…the other side
FELICIA
You're on the good side, right? That means the odds are in my favor
JOSIAH
I'm but one person. Some are of the opinion that your choice of lifestyle doesn't warrant
moving on to the next level
Grabbing a sheet of paper floating down
'Thank you!' Let me see here … At their last meeting, it still appears there’s a split amongst the celestial gatekeepers. The score is five for and five against. A veritable tie
FELICIA
I'm being punished for living a full life? Isn't that what humans are supposed to do?
JOSIAH
There is living…and then there is living. Your time here is supposed to be a learning experience but some do go overboard. That's when we encounter problems, like yours
FELICIA
How was I supposed to know what to do with my life? I just did what I figured was good at the time. If I'd known that it would be held against me down the line, I would've…I would've… Know what? I wouldn't have changed one damn thing…
SOUND: thunderclap
JOSIAH
Please! If you value your future, don't ever use that word. Never speak it out loud. In your precarious situation, it's even more essential that you remember
FELICIA
Being that I've never been dead before…
JOSIAH
Actually, you have but this isn't the time or place to discuss these ethereal issues
FELICIA
…and I'm not a by-the-book person at the best of times, so you know I'm gonna make mistakes, especially being a newbie at this and everything
JOSIAH
Please try holding your tongue when choosing your words - what a peculiar expression that is. Does it help to actually hold a tongue physically, to stop from saying certain things?
FELICIA
I mean, I didn't kill anyone. Well…nobody important. So I accidentally ran over a squirrel or two. Okay, it wasn't that accidental…but there are a lot more of them…
JOSIAH
Not an ideal frame of reference
FELICIA
I did get out of the car and move it to the side of the road. That I didn’t leave it there to rot as road kill for passing crows. should count for something.
JOSIAH
That and the others also came up for review by the way. There are some who need convincing that you can be redeemed
FELICIA
I’m begging, give me another chance to make up for all the things I didn't do and all the things I should have done, and all the bad stuff I did. Look – I can change! Let me prove it to all of you and you'll see that I'm worthy of rehabilitation
JOSIAH
Your time here is over as you experienced it
FELICIA
But you said…
JOSIAH
You assumed that life would be the same as before but that's not possible. A temporary soul-free zone has been negotiated on your behalf in the hope that you can improve yourself and your soul. You’ll be a free agent for six months from this day – no more, no less
FELICIA
Drops to her knees and kisses
JOSIAH’s hand
I'm your humble servant! Your willing slave
JOSIAH
No need for that. I hope you mean what you say because you're probably not going to like what I'm about to tell you
FELICIA
(glancing around)
Will you look at that. They've all gone. Two faced sons of a…
JOSIAH
There is one person who remained
FELICIA
It's just that Chloe Starshine, the air head. She doesn't count. Started working for us - I mean The Sentinal last week. Straight out'ta J-school she is. Believes everything anyone tells her
JOSIAH
Do you think she's got potential as a reporter?
FELICIA
Not unless she toughens up. They step all over her and she doesn't even realize it
JOSIAH
What if…somebody took her under her wing and showed her the ropes?
FELICIA
That person would have her work cut out for her, let me tell you! Hang on – you don't mean… Forgetaboutit! No way! Uh-uh!
JOSIAH
If that's your final decision then I better get in touch with the group…
FELICIA
Do they allow blackmail where you come from?
JOSIAH
I'm merely the messenger. I believe I made a joke
FELICIA
So you're not giving me a choice here, are you?
JOSIAH
You still have free will. I'm just explaining how things work
FELICIA
It would take a lot of time and even then, I don't know if she's got what it takes to succeed in this biz
JOSIAH
Then you'll have your work cut out for you. Just keep in mind how you felt when you first started at the paper. How scared you were…how much easier it would have been if somebody had been there to take you by the hand and lead the way
FELICIA
Cheesh – the kid is crying, for heaven's sake. 'Get a grip, girl!'
CHLOE moves to the front of the room. She touches the coffin,
caressing the sides and runs out exiting
JOSIAH
See? There was a person who genuinely cared for you
FELICIA
Go figure and she only knew me for a month. So what comes next?
JOSIAH
She's meeting your co-workers at a bar you frequent. "Down Time" I believe it's called…
FELICIA
…I wish I had a cent for all the bucks in tips I slipped across the counter at that place. I would have been a millionaire for sure. A scotch rocks would suit me fine right now…at least I think I’d like it…I'm not sure anymore
JOSIAH
There's no more need for - how shall I put it - earthly indulgences
FELICIA
But say if I really felt like a drink…
JOSIAH
You'll find your taste buds non-existent
FELICIA
I could indulge, right? And I won't get drunk or hung over?
JOSIAH
Hangovers are a thing of the past as are earthly desires
FELICIA
Listen, do I get to choose a younger body, maybe? That would be a big boost to my ego
JOSIAH
Don't push things
FELICIA
Are we leaving?
JOSIAH
If you'll follow me…
FELICIA
How would I do that, now?
JOSIAH
I keep forgetting that newcomers are earth-bound. Close your eyes …
JOSIAH snaps his fingers and they fade into nothingness
FELICIA
Felicia is here among you! The old witch is alive and kicking. You can't ignore me forever
JOSIAH walks to the front of the room, and stands behind the coffin
JOSIAH
I'm the only person who can see – and hear you
FELICIA
You keep saying that and you expect me to believe it? A guy dressed like a Christmas tree ornament?
JOSIAH
Believe it or not – it's the truth. Haven't you wondered why no one has acknowledged your existence? You know as a reporter you have to deal with the facts and the facts here are undeniable. This will probably be a shocker to you but you-are-dead, my dear!
FELICIA
You're one crazy weirdo! This is just another nightmare - it has to be a nightmare. Must'a eaten a bad rack of ribs. All right… I'm willing myself to wake up now…wake-up…wake-up…c'mon body – get up!
JOSIAH
Come over here and take a peak inside
FELICIA looks hesitatingly inside and jumps back
FELICIA
If this is a bad joke, I don't have a good sense of humor, today. Enough is enough, already. I don't know how you did this, making a person look just like me. It's been a blast but I got things to do, places to go…
Aside to mourners
'Okay you guys. You pulled off the ultimate practical joke. Got me fair and square. I give in…'
JOSIAH
It's you in there for real
FELICIA
(laughing lightly)
Who hired you, huh, and how much did they pay to help pull off this prank? Whatever they gave you – I'll double it to get even
JOSIAH
Money is of no significance and it's the real thing - or you're the real thing
FELICIA
Is this one of those dinner theatre productions and I'm playing myself? That's it, right? Please say it is!
JOSIAH
Trust me when I tell you that you are here in spirit only
FELICIA
Oh I got spirit, all right and it comes straight out'ta a bottle of vodka. You don't happen to have a flask on you? I could really use a shot right now
JOSIAH
Go on - check your body out…
FELICIA runs her hand over her body
FELICIA
It's like I'm touching…nothing
JOSIAH
There is no more Felicia Pembroke as you knew her. In fact you don't really have a body at all. It's a transitory illusion so you can accomplish your job
FELICIA
She paces back and forth in a panic
This isn't real - it can't be - I don't want this to be real! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! See – I don’t always swear. When…how did this happen?
JOSIAH
Your passing occurred two days ago. A massive heart attack while eating a Big Mickey Trio. Died with a french-fry stuck in your throat
FELICIA
Didn't somebody try and give me CPR or something?
JOSIAH
The restaurant staff worked on you but it was your time to go, so nothing helped
FELICIA
If I'm - I can't even say the word, never mind accept it - dead like you say, then what am I doing here? Shouldn't I be…you know…in a heavenly place or something? This sure ain't heaven and I don't hear harps playing anywhere
JOSIAH
(laughing)
Only in films, my dear
FELICIA
Why am I still here? I see people…
JOSIAH
…but they can’t see you. Perhaps an introduction is in order now. Officially, my title is Josiah, Spiritual Adviser – Disembodied Souls Division – we call ourselves the SADD people – a little inside joke
FELICIA
Just…Josiah?
JOSIAH
Just…Josiah. No last names
FELICIA
Okay tell me… Josiah, what I'm supposed to do next? Hang around here and haunt this place?
JOSIAH
It's not quite as simple as that. In most cases a person dies and the soul moves on to wherever it's supposed to go. However, we've run into – how do you say down here – a snag in processing your case to its finality
FELICIA
What kind of snag are we talking about? Not major I’m hoping. I still got things to do
JOSIAH
Actually, this is a little embarrassing. The Judgment Assembly - of which I'm a member – is in charge of processing the paper work and can't decide on the fate of your
soul. There’s a split among a few of us as to whether you really belong with the people of light or…the other side
FELICIA
You're on the good side, right? That means the odds are in my favor
JOSIAH
I'm but one person. Some are of the opinion that your choice of lifestyle doesn't warrant
moving on to the next level
Grabbing a sheet of paper floating down
'Thank you!' Let me see here … At their last meeting, it still appears there’s a split amongst the celestial gatekeepers. The score is five for and five against. A veritable tie
FELICIA
I'm being punished for living a full life? Isn't that what humans are supposed to do?
JOSIAH
There is living…and then there is living. Your time here is supposed to be a learning experience but some do go overboard. That's when we encounter problems, like yours
FELICIA
How was I supposed to know what to do with my life? I just did what I figured was good at the time. If I'd known that it would be held against me down the line, I would've…I would've… Know what? I wouldn't have changed one damn thing…
SOUND: thunderclap
JOSIAH
Please! If you value your future, don't ever use that word. Never speak it out loud. In your precarious situation, it's even more essential that you remember
FELICIA
Being that I've never been dead before…
JOSIAH
Actually, you have but this isn't the time or place to discuss these ethereal issues
FELICIA
…and I'm not a by-the-book person at the best of times, so you know I'm gonna make mistakes, especially being a newbie at this and everything
JOSIAH
Please try holding your tongue when choosing your words - what a peculiar expression that is. Does it help to actually hold a tongue physically, to stop from saying certain things?
FELICIA
I mean, I didn't kill anyone. Well…nobody important. So I accidentally ran over a squirrel or two. Okay, it wasn't that accidental…but there are a lot more of them…
JOSIAH
Not an ideal frame of reference
FELICIA
I did get out of the car and move it to the side of the road. That I didn’t leave it there to rot as road kill for passing crows. should count for something.
JOSIAH
That and the others also came up for review by the way. There are some who need convincing that you can be redeemed
FELICIA
I’m begging, give me another chance to make up for all the things I didn't do and all the things I should have done, and all the bad stuff I did. Look – I can change! Let me prove it to all of you and you'll see that I'm worthy of rehabilitation
JOSIAH
Your time here is over as you experienced it
FELICIA
But you said…
JOSIAH
You assumed that life would be the same as before but that's not possible. A temporary soul-free zone has been negotiated on your behalf in the hope that you can improve yourself and your soul. You’ll be a free agent for six months from this day – no more, no less
FELICIA
Drops to her knees and kisses
JOSIAH’s hand
I'm your humble servant! Your willing slave
JOSIAH
No need for that. I hope you mean what you say because you're probably not going to like what I'm about to tell you
FELICIA
(glancing around)
Will you look at that. They've all gone. Two faced sons of a…
JOSIAH
There is one person who remained
FELICIA
It's just that Chloe Starshine, the air head. She doesn't count. Started working for us - I mean The Sentinal last week. Straight out'ta J-school she is. Believes everything anyone tells her
JOSIAH
Do you think she's got potential as a reporter?
FELICIA
Not unless she toughens up. They step all over her and she doesn't even realize it
JOSIAH
What if…somebody took her under her wing and showed her the ropes?
FELICIA
That person would have her work cut out for her, let me tell you! Hang on – you don't mean… Forgetaboutit! No way! Uh-uh!
JOSIAH
If that's your final decision then I better get in touch with the group…
FELICIA
Do they allow blackmail where you come from?
JOSIAH
I'm merely the messenger. I believe I made a joke
FELICIA
So you're not giving me a choice here, are you?
JOSIAH
You still have free will. I'm just explaining how things work
FELICIA
It would take a lot of time and even then, I don't know if she's got what it takes to succeed in this biz
JOSIAH
Then you'll have your work cut out for you. Just keep in mind how you felt when you first started at the paper. How scared you were…how much easier it would have been if somebody had been there to take you by the hand and lead the way
FELICIA
Cheesh – the kid is crying, for heaven's sake. 'Get a grip, girl!'
CHLOE moves to the front of the room. She touches the coffin,
caressing the sides and runs out exiting
JOSIAH
See? There was a person who genuinely cared for you
FELICIA
Go figure and she only knew me for a month. So what comes next?
JOSIAH
She's meeting your co-workers at a bar you frequent. "Down Time" I believe it's called…
FELICIA
…I wish I had a cent for all the bucks in tips I slipped across the counter at that place. I would have been a millionaire for sure. A scotch rocks would suit me fine right now…at least I think I’d like it…I'm not sure anymore
JOSIAH
There's no more need for - how shall I put it - earthly indulgences
FELICIA
But say if I really felt like a drink…
JOSIAH
You'll find your taste buds non-existent
FELICIA
I could indulge, right? And I won't get drunk or hung over?
JOSIAH
Hangovers are a thing of the past as are earthly desires
FELICIA
Listen, do I get to choose a younger body, maybe? That would be a big boost to my ego
JOSIAH
Don't push things
FELICIA
Are we leaving?
JOSIAH
If you'll follow me…
FELICIA
How would I do that, now?
JOSIAH
I keep forgetting that newcomers are earth-bound. Close your eyes …
JOSIAH snaps his fingers and they fade into nothingness
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