ACORN FARM
A small sampling from a play written as a joint project, which started out as an add-to-the-story writing exercise with bits and pieces added over time. Like most of my plays, it's a comedy but with dramatic overtones. Listed only the three main characters in this snippet.
By Eleanor Tylbor
and
Jeff Slater
CAST OF CHARACTERS
BESS MALONE, 50’s, WidowLEANN WALKER, 17, spoiled niece of Becky
WAYNE SMITH, 60’s, physically-disabled old grouch and owner of dilapidated cabin in the woods
THE TIME
The present. Autumn
AT RISE: Bess enters walking at a fast clip, arms filled with small kitchen equipment. Leann lags behind while attempting to use her cell phone, dragging a suitcase on wheels behind her
BESS
(stopping to glance back at LEANN)
Don’t offer to help or anything. Of course it’s totally understandable. Strain your arms and you won’t be able to iron your hair or whatever you do with it
LEANN
My cell phone’s not working and I forgot to bring a charger. D’ya have one I can borrow?
BESS
Of course! Doesn’t everyone carry a spare phone charger in case a phone goes dead. Just a minute – I’ll check my purse…
LEANN
Good ‘cause I promised Jeremy I’d call him as soon as we arrived. How much longer ‘til we get to where we’re supposed to be? I’m getting hungry
BESS
Forget about touching base with Jeremy. You’re far, far away from civilization and there’s not a hope that your cell phone will work here, anyway
LEANN
I’m sure they’ll be some kind of phone connection at the place we’re staying. Can’t wait to take a hot shower and get out of these grungy clothes. Hey – maybe there’ll be a Jacuzzi, or even an indoor pool
BESS drops the pots and pans at the front door of the cabin
BESS
In these parts? ‘Ya gotta be kidding! Where do you think we’ll be staying? At a five-star hotel?
LEANN
Wha’cha do that for? I mean, let’s get back in the car and get there already
BESS
We’re – here – or there
LEANN
(looking around, panic-stricken)
Tell me this isn’t the place. It’s a joke, right? To teach me a lesson? Of course it is. Nobody in their right mind would stay... here. C’mon – it’s getting dark already and I could fall and break a heel on my new shoes
BESS
Be it ever so humble, kiddo!
LEANN
You-you can’t expect someone like…me to stay…in a place like that. I’ll catch a fatal disease or something
BESS
You wanna knock on the front door or should I?
LEANN
There’s has’ta be a hotel around here. I’ll even stay in a bed-and-breakfast. Maybe if we go back on the main road…
BESS
I didn’t see any buildings for miles around driving up here Look at it this way: it’ll build character and heaven knows you need some of that.
BESS searches the door frame for a doorbell and then knocks
(cont'd) Hello?
Moves back and examines the house from all angles
(cont'd) A palace it ain’t
LEANN
Nobody’s home. Let’s turn around and call whoever from a hotel
LEANN turns around and starts walking
BESS
We’re not going anywhere, unless you feel like hiking through the woods alone in the dark with all those bears and mountain lions out there, not to mention snakes
LEANN
I could borrow your car and go get help.
BESS
Over my dead body you will! I promised your parents that you’re spending the summer with me and that’s exactly what you’re going to do
LEANN
They’re punishing me for dating Jeremy! Think they can keep us apart but they’re wrong. One phone call from me and he’ll rush up here and take me away from all of…this. You’ll see
BESS
Face it, sweetie – there isn’t a cabin or means of communicating with lover boy for miles and miles. From what your parents told me, he drives an old motorcycle and that sure won’t make it up here
LEANN
(starting to cry)
Why are you doing this to me? I’m not the type that can survive without my cell and friends and…
BESS
Believe me, by the time this is over, you’ll thank me for the experience
BESS knocks on the door again
(Cont.d) Why doesn’t he answer? Wha’cha gonna live on, anyway? Love? Baby girl – love don’t pay the rent or buy groceries or pay your cell phone bill. I understand that Jeremy doesn’t have a pot to piss in
LEANN
He has job prospects. Last week he had an interview with a company to demonstrate toys in a shopping mall
BESS
(banging on the door)
Real career move that is. Maybe you can join him and the two of you can spend your lives window shopping. Where the heck is Wayne? Hel-lo? How old are you now, anyway?
LEANN
Seventeen next month and we won’t have to worry ‘bout money ‘cause I’ll be bringing in money too
BESS
You? Work? Wha’cha gonna do? Be a nail polish tester? Look – I haven’t got the patience to fight with you. I’m too tired and getting more frustrated by the minute. ‘Hello! Wayne!’
LEANN
Let’s go back, then. Maybe…maybe the person who lives here went away. I mean, what human being could stay in a dump like this?
BESS
I understand he’s in a wheelchair so he’s gotta be inside. Not the friendly type either, his son told me so we’ll just have to figure another way to get in Maybe…
Lifts a mat in front of the door and picks up key
Why would anyone hide the key to get in here? I can imagine what it’s like on the inside
Opens door
As bad in the inside as it is on the outside…worse
LEANN
Eeee-uuuu! Tell me we’re not sleeping here
BESS
Well sweetness and light, unless there’s a tent tucked away in that designer suitcase of yours, this is home for a while
LEANN
Like…you gotta be joking! There’s no way. I’m calling my parents to come pick me up
BESS
First of all, your parents are on a cruise ship. Second, before they left, your mom and dad insisted that I take you with me to experience real life, so I doubt they’d even spring for bus fare, let alone come rescue you. Might as well give up on getting in touch with the outside world for a while
LEANN
Where I live, they would condemn a place like this. Gross!
BESS
Were you live, maxing your credit card is considered a hardship
LEANN
I figured this was a shelter for people who get lost in a storm or something
BESS
Surprise! A real live person lives here. Go grab that box with the kitchen stuff
LEANN
Darn! I broke a nail and I just had a French manicure yesterday. D’ya have an emery board? I can’t do anything unless I file down this nail. The last thing I need is jagged edges
BESS
Oh no! We wouldn’t want that! Hold on a minute while I look through my suitcases here. Shoot! Must’a left it back on my manicure table A nail file no less… Now move it, girl!
She looks around the room. Dirty dishes cover the surface of the table;
clothes litter the floor and a torn curtain hangs from a broken rod and blackened pots and pans sit on top of the stoveFilth! Absolute filth
SFX: person coughing
WAYNE
(V/O)
Whoever you are, don’t even twitch or blink an eye. I got a shotgun [pointed directly at your heart so’s you might as well start sayin’ your prayers nowBESS
(piling dishes one on top of the other, responding to WAYNE)
And you must be Wayne? Geez – when was the last time you washed these? There’s over an inch of mold growing all over them
WAYNE
At entrance of room in front of open door in a wheelchair with oxygen tank
Attached
I’m warning ‘ya – I’m a crack shot
BESS
Of course you are and I’m Martha Stewart, here to remodel your home. Not a good idea to use a gun ‘specially since yu’re dragging oxygen around with you
WAYNE slowly wheels himself into the room, one hand on wheelchair
control lever and the other holds the shotgun supported under his armpit
WAYNE
You think I don’t know how to use this don’cha, woman? Lemme tell you something lady, this here baby (taps rifle) has seen lots of action over the years. Bagged me plenty of deer in my day and a couple of bears. If you don’t believe me, look up at the wall over there
Glances up at wall displaying mounted bear and dear heads – looks away
BESS
Disgusting! Shooting defenceless creatures that can’t fight back
WAYNE
It was either them or me. I was defending myself
BESS
I bet. That deer looks really vicious. Threatened to nibble your hand, right? If I’m gonna stay here, it’ll all hav’ta gho, along with a lot of other crap you’ve accumulated
WAYNE
Over my dead body!
BESS
The way you look pal that could be sooner than you think. Go back to the other room and let me do my thing
WAYNE
Just who the hell are you, lady, paradin’ yourself in here like you own my place? You answer my ad for a wife? If ‘ya did, you not what I had in mind. Lift your skirt and lemme see your legs…
BESS
Not. Whad’ya think I am? A horse? No – don’t answer that. I don’t know much about guns and don’t take this the wrong way, but one twitch of your trigger finger and your foot is history. God knows you have enough problems without adding missing toes to the list
WAYNE
You’re here to rob me, ain’cha? Heard ‘bout your type. Come on to me all sweet like and then you’ll knock me out and steal everything I own after having your way with me…
BESS
…which adds up to a fat zero. For your information, your son hired me as a housekeeper, so we’d better learn to co-exist with each other. Believe me, if I deidn’t need some extra cash… In fact, I’m gonna get in touch with him and ask for more money, especially since it means living here with the likes of you
WAYNE
(coughing and choking)
Sure. My money-grabbing kid gets word through the grapevine that I’m an helpless old man in a wheelchair and he sees dollar signs floatin’ in front of his eyes! Damn kids – bring ‘em up to be God-fearin’ Americans and then they try to knock you off... Where are my cigarettes...
BESS
You think that your children want to inherit…this? You’re a joke, Wayne! There is no way you're going smoke in my presence so you can forget about your cancer sticks. What else? You can barely talk from coughing, not to mention carrying around an oxygen tank
WAYNE
We'll see about that. Go back and tell my sonny boy, I don’t need nobody’s help and that includes yours. Tell him…I ain’t ready to kick the bucket, yet! Get out’ta here. GET OUT – and take your helper with you. I don't need no old battle-axe tellin' me how t'live my life
Started writing this play a while back and have been slowly - accent on the slowly - adding-to and tweaking the play over time. Recently gave it yet another read and after deep thought and concentration, have finally come to what I believe and hope to be, a good ending. Still not finished, yet, but I've been making progress, which in itself is a good omen. Sometimes omens are all we have to propel us along.
I've shared bits and pieces of it here before but here is the latest incarnation. The cast list will most likely grow slightly. I've adapted it for this blog but the cutting and pasting isn't ideal. Comments welcome.
The story: Sometimes lessons in life come at a cost especially when the cost involves sacrifice on behalf of another.
DEAD WRITES
By Eleanor Tylbor
CAST OF CHARACTERS
CHARLOTTE PEMBROOK: 50-something; former reporter, deceased
JOSIAH: Heavenly "Spiritual Adviser - Disembodied Souls Division:
MIA STEVENSON: Ambitious young reporter
THE TIME
PRESENT DAY, MORNING
THE PLACE
Anywhere
SETTING: A funeral parlor
AT RISE: A group of people are seated in a funeral chapel, socializing for the most part, while waiting for the service to begin. A coffin is situated on an elevated stand in the middle of the room.
CHARLOTTE PEMBROOK, wearing a diaphanous flowing dress lays next to the coffin. Slowly she sits up, looks around in a confused, slightly stunned state. Touching her arms and body parts, she moves to an upright position and pulls at the material of her dress
FX: SOMBER MUSIC
CHARLOTTEReally must'a tied one on last night. Weird, though. No hang-over like usual.
Stands upright, moves closer to coffin, straining to see inside. A funeral organizer passes by without acknowledging her presence. She pokes him in the back, to no avail.
'Scuse me…hello'? Could you tell me…? Wait a minute. Don't ignore me. You are so rude!’He ignores her, focusing on the coffin
Lemme be blunt like the real me: who's the corpse?
Man continues to ignore her
What is your problem? A name - that's all I want! It's not a lot to ask. Fine. Suit yourself. I'll find out on my own…creep! A man, JOSIAH, enters and stands directly behind CHARLOTTE. Dressed entirely in white, he glitters from head to toe
JOSIAH
There's really no need to yell. I can provide you with that information
Startled, she whirls around to face him
CHARLOTTEYou could give a person a heart attack sneaking up like that. And I thought I looked bad in this outfit? If you don’t mind me saying, sir, you look like a bad case of indigestion after eating too many Halloween candies. I've been trying to find out what's going on but the guy over there is ignoring me. Some people just don’t have any manners
JOSIAH
He can't hear you
CHARLOTTE
It’s not like me not to remember some details of the night before but my mind is a complete blank. Not even a few flashes. Nothing
JOSIAH
Not surprising. You’ll get used to it
CHARLOTTE
I get it now! This place is one of those new theme clubs and you're the bartender, right? Explains a lot especially the look. So – like - you doing Liberace? That would explain my dress, too. Go figure a funeral parlor would double as a club. So where’s the booze?
JOSIAH
The one thing I can assure you is that this is not a nightclub. You know…if you really want, Icould tell you who's in that coffin
CHARLOTTE
How would you know that unless… What’s wrong with me? Here's me going on about nothing and you're burying someone who means a lot to you. That’s it, isn’t it? Sometimes I'm so dense. My sympathies.
JOSIAH
You could say I’m related to that dead person. In fact - I'm close with most people that pass through
CHARLOTTE
You work here, then?
JOSIAH
In a way. Death is the human equalizer, don't you think? Everyone is on an equal plane no matter how important your life was or how much money you had or how much power you wielded
CHARLOTTE
I suppose so - can't say I've given it much thought, lately. You wouldn’t happen to know how I ended up here, though, would you?
JOSIAH
Do these mourners strike a familiar chord?
CHARLOTTE glances at the mourners
Vaguely... Hang on a minute! These people work with me!
(Aside to mourners): ‘This is a surprise party, right? It's all a big joke. I should have known. Whose birthday is it? 'Ya don't hafta worry 'bout me giving it away! Hello? I’m talking to you all!’
Weird. They're all ignoring me like I wasn’t here or something. Dumb…dumb…dumb. Ignorance, thy name is Charlotte! This is a "for real " funeral. That has'ta be it and this here is a real body in a real coffin! Okay –so – then - why am I here? Must be somebody I knew…She strains to see in the coffin again without results
CHARLOTTE
You seem to know a lot about this. Was it Don McGrath or Pete Winston? Don't know how many times I warned them both to slow down, but did they listen? ‘Course not! What does an old broad like me know, right? Burn the candle at both ends and you’re gonna burn your light out, I told them time and time again. Everyone thinks they’re gonna live forever
JOSIAH
It wasn't either one of them
CHARLOTTE
That's a relief 'cause we're the last three old farts left at The Sentinal. Started out together at the same time and we've seen 'em come and we seen 'em leave. Some on to bigger and better and some like this here person, in a wooden box. Things are sure different now. Back when we were in our prime, the only thing we had'da know was a keyboard. Nowadays everything is electronic - cyber this, cyber that. They'll soon find a way to replace us all with computer systems and you know what? Nobody will give a damn
JOSIAH
They'll always be a need for the human touch
CHARLOTTE
Look at 'em all…young kids just out of J-school. What do they know about getting’ a story? How can you write about life if you never experienced it? This really is a real funeral, isn’t it?
JOSIAH
Unfortunately, you are correct
CHARLOTTE
Guess you were a friend of the corpse, then, or related?
JOSIAH
I'm friends with a lot of people. You can say that I help them through a difficult period
CHARLOTTE
So you're one of those - what do they call them - grief councillors? Bet you go to a lotta funerals
JOSIAH
I can honestly say that I've never missed one
CHARLOTTE
Never?
JOSIAH
Never in all the years I've been assigned here
CHARLOTTE
Have we met somewhere before, maybe a long while back? The more I look at you, the more familiar your face seems to me. Wait a minute! It’s so obvious as the nose on my face. You're a new bartender at Pat's watering hole. I'll pay my tab next week, I swear, it's just that I've been running a little short lately…
JOSIAH
We've had a few close encounters in the past, Charlotte, but this is the first time we've met one-on-one. My drinking days are history in the true sense of the word but you seem very caught up with alcoholic beverages
CHARLOTTE
Got it now. You own the new funeral parlor down the block and you're here to scope out the competition
JOSIAH
Not…exactly but you could say I'm in the funeral business since I make a point never to miss any. In fact, funeral parlors are where I first connect with…
CHARLOTTE
(backing away)Hey! You're not one of those slimy creeps who pick up rich, lonely women at funerals. Listen buddy, I'm not rich and certainly not in the market to add a new man in my life. Been there, done that, too many times. Know what I mean?
JOSIAH
(laughing)
You're quite priceless, my dear. Trust me when I say my interest in you is anything but corporeal in nature. You do like games, don't you, with all your questions that I would be glad to answer. There really is no secret
CHARLOTTE
It's my nature to snoop and dig for answers
JOSIAH
You don't have to. I'd be most happy to supply you with the necessary information but if you insist. Have it your way
CHARLOTTE
Strikes me that this corpse wasn't too popular in life judging by the amount of people who showed up here
JOSIAH
It's all quite sad, actually. She believed she never needed people and in the end, seems that people weren't there when she needed them most
Mourner moves to front of room and stands in front of coffin
So the departed is a female. Looky who's here! It’s my friend and co-worker, Janice. Hey girl, we were supposed to meet for lunch yesterday! I showed up but what happened to you?
JANICE
Miserable, lying witch! At last you made a useful contribution to the world and left it! Good riddance to bad rubbish
CHARLOTTE
Is that the way to talk about the dearly departed? Even dead people deserve respect from the living. Your mama never taught you any manners?
JANICE touches the coffin and returns to her seat
(aside to JANICE): ‘Janice? You-hoo! It's me.’
(aside to JOSIAH) I'm not surprised! She was always a grudge holder. We better take a seat…the minister is here
Gives Janice "the finger" while passing her by and sits with others, accompanied by JOSIAH
(Cont’d. CHARLOTTE - aside to male, PETE): ‘Heeeey Pete-eee! So, how things goin' with you? Sorry 'bout that story, but I just couldn't help myself. In fact, I did just that. I'll return the favor in the future. You know how it is in our biz’
(PETE) ignores CHARLOTTE and talks to female on other side
(Cont’d. CHARLOTTE) Still mad at me, huh? See if I care! That’s the last time I share a lead with him, let me tell you
JOSIAH
He can't hear you
CHARLOTTE
What are you talking about? Of course he can but he's busy chatting up the new receptionist. Probably still pissed 'cause I stole a lead on the story he was after! Far
be it for me to beg forgiveness. He knows that's the way things work. First come - first served!
JOSIAH
And you certainly helped yourself, a lot, didn't you?
CHARLOTTE
Listen, if something falls into my hands, who am I not to take advantage? I needed a lead and Pete was nice enough to do the legwork for me. We're old friends anyway. He'll come around, won't you sweetie?
JOSIAH
You find a way to justify everything. Has it dawned on you, yet, why you're here and that people are ignoring your presence?
CHARLOTTE
What other reason than to pay my respects to someone in the paper 'biz. Really bugging me, though, how I got here and landed up lying next to a coffin. I've covered practically every kind of story but I can't ever remember spending the night in a funeral parlor. Maybe I was after a story but why is my mind blank?
JOSIAH
Merely a temporary fog that will clear after you -
CHARLOTTE- sssh! Talk softer. We're gonna get kicked out and I'll never find out who's in the coffin
MINISTER steps behind podium
MINISTER
Friends…
Voice calls out:
'She didn't have any, so move on!'
MINISTER
..we are here to bid goodbye to one…
Another voice:
'Good riddance to bad rubbish!'
MINISTER
…a…good reporter, a good friend and colleague.
CHARLOTTE
This dead person must'a really screwed them over but good, but she – you did say it was a woman? Like I was saying, the dead deserve some respect too.
CHARLOTTE stands up and addresses everyone
'That's no way to speak about the dead, you bunch of parasites. Have some respect!'
MINISTER
Is there anyone here who has something positive to say, about the departed? Surely there must be one person in this entire room that could say a few nice words about the late Charlotte Pembrook?
CHARLOTTE
Excuse me? I can speak for myself, thank you very much… What's with this "late" junk?
MINISTER
No one? Then we'll proceed with the service
CHARLOTTE
What in the hell is he talking about? 'I'm still among you, in the flesh! Look! I’m here’
JOSIAH
Please try to control using the "H" word? I've been trying to tell you that no one can hear you – or see you, either
CHARLOTTE
They're doing it on purpose to teach me a lesson. ‘Well, it won't work people! I'm on to you all!’
CHARLOTTE stands up on chair, waves and screams on top of her lungs
CHARLOTTE
‘Charlotte is here! The old witch is alive and kicking. You can't ignore me forever’
JOSIAH walks to the front of the room and stands behind the coffin
JOSIAH
I'm the only person who can see you, at least for now
CHARLOTTE
Calm down, Charlotte. There’s a very simple explanation for all of this. I’ve had too much too drink and this is just a nightmare. Soon I'm gonna wake up and everything will be like it should. That’s it. A nightmare.
JOSIAH
What’s the last thing you can remember?
CHARLOTTE
Food! I was at The Rib Rack gnawing on a rib. Must’a been a bad rack or something to give me a nightmare like this. Alright – gotta calm down. I’m okay…gotta will myself to wake up…time to wake up now… C’mon body – wake up!
JOSIAH
Come over here and take a peak inside
CHARLOTTE moves slowly to the front of the coffin and peers down. She jumps back
CHARLOTTE
If this is a bad joke, I don't have a good sense of humor, today. Enough is enough, already. I don't know how you did this, Joey or whatever your name is to make a person look just like me. A dummy - it's a dummy, right? Hey - it's been a blast meeting you, but I got things to do, places to go…
Aside to mourners
‘Okay you guys. You pulled off the ultimate practical joke. Got me fair and square. I give in. C'mon – don't be such grudge holders! You know I was only doing what you would'a done in my place’
JOSIAH
It's you in there for real
