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So…after two months of worrying about me being on a panel speaking about challenged books in front of 500 people, and then two weeks of anxiety, and then a day of absolute fear right up to (and during) the panel…I “did good”! I knew I had a lot to say–Scars has been challenged at least once formally that I know of, and informally in Meghan cox Gurden’s op-ed. My abusers tried to silence me most of my life; I don’t want to be silenced any more. But actually speaking about it all in front of 500 people live felt pretty scary. I think I spoke well, though–honestly, emotionally, passionately, and intelligently. I still can’t believe I spoke well! It took a while for me to know it–but I started taking it in afterward from the many responses and from people telling me that in so many ways.

I know public speaking is hard for many people, at least at first. It is for me, too. But for me there’s also the added layers of all the abuse training–my abusers repeatedly telling me they’d kill me if I talked (and since they’d murdered other children in front of me I knew they could), and abuse that happened on raised stages (like child porn), and all the years I learned to be silent, quiet, and not speak out, except through my writing and my art. But yesterday I learned that I CAN speak publicly, even to a large group, and it can be okay and even a good experience.

Me speaking, photo taken by Sandi Walden

Some of the time before my panel I felt alone and scared and insecure as the hours stretched on, so I took a breather, and sat in the hallway against the wall. But doing that I felt like I was socially awkward and sticking out, the way I had as a teen. And then who should come by but A.S. King (Everybody Sees the Ants, Please Ignore Vera Dietz)! She sat herself down beside me so easily, and we sat, backs against the wall, talking. Amy was reassuring and understanding, and so down-to-earth. I loved hearing about her own experiences, and just…spending time. Hearing Amy talk about ALAN so enthusiastically made me want to join.

I also got to meet C.J. Bott in person–she recognized me as I passed by, and we talked briefly, and then she sat down for a bit with A.S. King and me. C. J. Bott did a lovely review of Scars, and we’d talked back and forth via email a bit, so it was cool to meet her in person. She’ll be vice president of ALAN next year!

I also talked a bit with Professor Melanie Hundley, who was an incredibly friendly, bright spot in the day, introducing me to other authors and to teachers, pointing out my handouts to others, and just being lovely.

It helped to have such friendly, caring people around!

The whole experience was also made better by my wonderful book publicist Julie Schoerke, picking me up at the airport, taking me to dinner, and then coming the next day to be with me for my panel. I was getting more and more scared the closer it got to my panel, and thankfully Julie arrived about an hour before. She sat on the floor with me i