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ONE DAY, in my early 20's, I was visiting a friend who worked in a pub. It was mid-day - there were a few customers eating sandwiches and having beers, but no other employees. Suddenly, her phone rang. It was a family emergency - she had to leave! She looked around - realized there was nobody to cover her. She tossed me the keys - showed me how to ring the register - and left me to cover the rest of her shift. Well.

This was a beautiful day in the French Quarter of New Orleans. Bars there don't just stand empty - soon enough some tourists came in, and some regulars - a couple of people I kinda knew, but mostly strangers. I'd never worked in a bar or a restaurant, but there I was, suddenly in charge - so what could I do? I had been to theatre school. . . so I acted like a bartender. I chatted. I poured beer. I mixed drinks. The thing is - mostly people ask for either beer, or for things with two ingredients - Jack and Coke. Gin and Tonic. Easy peasy! If something came up I didn't know, I'd turn my back for a minute and cheat with the Mr Boston's book.

When a tap ran out, I called that one "out of order." When the ice ran low, I filled a bucket. When the lemons ran low, I chopped up some more. When somebody asked about food, I scurried back to the kitchen to tell the (surprised, but not easily ruffled) cook.

You've heard the phrase "fake it til you make it" -- well, that applies here. Nobody KNEW I had no clue what I was doing. So I pretended I DID know what I was doing. Not only did I pretend I knew what I was doing - I pretended I was GOOD at what I was doing. And guess what? NOBODY FIGURED IT OUT.

They gave me a job. Somewhere along the way, I actually did learn not only what I was doing, but also, how to be pretty good at it. Soon enough, I was training new bartenders. And I taught them my trick: POUR WITH CONFIDENCE. 

The biggest mistake that most brand-new, totally un-trained bartenders make is . . . they are hesitant. They touch the bottles like they are about to break, and pour like they are pouring into a dainty dolly cup at a children's tea party. When they do that, customers totally pick up on it, even if it is subconsciously. When customers feel like they aren't in good hands, they get skittish. A hesitant or weak bartender will get fewer or lower tips, and they'll certainly have less fun on the job.

So even if you ARE new, pretend like you know what you're doing. Stand up straight. Look customers in the eye and smile. Actively listen to what they are asking for. Grasp the bottle firmly, and pour like you mean it. Give them what they want with a minimum of fluster and a bit of flourish.

I hear what you're asking. "OK well, thanks for the trip down memory lane, weirdo, but what does this have to do with ME?" Well, my little chickadees, the same principle applies to approaching agents.

If you were a bartender, you probably wouldn't introduce yourself to a new patron by crumpling up an old dishrag and throwing it at them, or by creeping up to them and bursting into tears. Those would be BAD INTRODUCTIONS. So. Begin as you mean to go on. When you are approaching an agent - DON'T say "I don't really know how to write a query" or "I don't know how to be a writer" or "I'm not really a writer" or anything of the kind. I get this all the time. Daily. But I mean - hello, this query letter is all I know about you.

If you treat the query letter like a professional introduction that it is, I'll accept it. If you tell me you're a writer, I'll believe you. If you tell me you're "bad at queries" or "not really a writer" or "a clueless newb". . . well, I'll believe that. Is that really what you want me to believe?

Obviously there is such a thing as going overboard. If you say "this book will make your dreams come true!" or "I'm the second coming and a rock star rolled into one!" or "you'll be making a huge mistake if you pass THIS up" or similar . . . well that's just being a big-headed jerk-slash-crazyperson.

Don't be over the top -- but DO be confident and professional, even if you don't exactly FEEL those things. If you can do the wordy equivalent of standing up straight, looking the agent directly in the eyes, smiling, and giving them what they're asking for with a minimum of fluster and a bit of flourish. . . well, you may or may not get an agent this time, but you will both project and get respect.

Pour with confidence and get those tips, babies!

I read a nice blog post the other day that inspired this -- but it is something I say when I give talks all the time:

There's a lot of advice out there for writers. I've read lots of it, I've given some of it... and you might have, too. No advice is "one size fits all." (Not even the advice in this very blog.) But one thing I feel very strongly about is, it is damaging to compare yourself to other writers.  (<--- don't do it! this is advice. sorry.)

Recently a writer I think is terrific said that when she writes faster, she writes better. She's quite successful, so it is tempting to take that to heart and say, "Hm, clearly, if I want to be successful, I HAVE TO WRITE FASTER!  FASTER!!!"  ...until the next successful writer declares that slow and steady wins the race. One writer says that she has to write things out of order, skip from action scene to action scene and fill in the rest later. Then somebody else says they have to write things IN order. One person is a plotter and does a detailed outline before she starts. The next is a "pantser" and the story comes to her in the moment.

If you were to hear all this advice from these expert-fantastic-genius writers, and you were new enough to think advice was all gospel and had to be followed to the letter, you'd likely feel real crappy about yourself pretty darn quick. Because it'd be IMPOSSIBLE to do all those things at once. They contradict each other. It is a recipe for failure and sadness. The only thing that works is to figure out what works for YOU.

It's like dieting. There is NO crazy fad diet that is awesomely good for you, works for 100% of people 100% of the time, and keeps working. If there was, we'd all be "bikini ready" right now. You generally get healthier by eating more good stuff and being as active as you are able to be. "But that is BORING and SLOW" you say! I say, if you try to circumvent it ("Hey! This magazine says I should ONLY EAT BACON from now on and I'll lose weight fast!") -- well it might work in the short term, but in the long run, you will probably be damaging your body.

And let's say you do get healthier: There is no "right" way to look at the end of it. Some people's "healthy" is the body of an Olympian. Personally, my "healthy" is the body of a Yugoslavian peasant woman. Genetics, babe. Neither is wrong. And if I bemoan the fact that even at my healthiest, I'm naturally more "Hammer Throw" than "Uneven Parallel Bars", that is not helping me be as healthy and happy and successful a Hammer-Thrower as I can be. In fact, if I sit at home crying about it instead of practicing, I'll be a TERRIBLE Hammer-Thrower.

Wow that was a long tangent, sorry.

The point I'm making: Just as there is no one way to look, there is NO ONE WAY to write a book. There is NO ONE WAY to get an agent. There is NO ONE WAY to be published. I have personally seen as many paths to publication as I have seen books. All of them different. None of them "right."  There are no guarantees in life, and there sure aren't any in this crazy business, except that everything is subjective, and your path will be your own.

Great writing. Great hook. Kick-ass Query. All of these might help you, and definitely couldn't hurt. But what is "great"? Every single one of the manuscripts I've sold, also had rejections. I know for a fact I'd have turned down a book like DA VINCI CODE, TWILIGHT or 50 SHADES... does that make those books "bad"? No. Just bad for ME. While many would agree with me and pass on these books, many more millions of people do not share my taste at all... and that's a good thing. People liking different things - it's what makes this crazy world go round. If everyone liked the exact things I liked... well I'd be richer, sure... but I'd also be pretty bored.

Perseverance. Being in the right place at the right time. Sheer luck. These factors will likely play a part in your success, too. Author A was writing and actively looking for an agent for ten years. She wrote and queried several manuscripts over that decade. We became friends when I wasn't even an agent yet, just a bookseller. I thought she was terrific. I said, "If I were an agent, I'd rep you!" -- and then, later on, I became an agent, asked her to query me. Everything clicked into place beautifully and I sold two books for her in two weeks.  I know for a fact that this has happened to me with editors as well - - for Author B, I sent a manuscript out for almost a year with nary a bite. I sold a picture book and a chapter book for B, but the novel didn't sell and didn't sell. On the third round, it got snapped up immediately... by somebody who hadn't been an acquiring editor yet when I sent it out the first time. Kismet! It was a perfect match, and the book went on to become an award winner.

And see? Two successes right there in that last paragraph - two VERY different paths! If Author B compared herself to the quick-selling Author A, she might have been miserable for a year... but she didn't. Instead, she kept writing, and I sold different projects for her, and she has had terrific success, in her own timeline, on her own terms. If Author A compared herself to Author B, she might have grimaced about the 10 years and many manuscripts before she even landed an agent... but she didn't. Because she couldn't have had that path. It TOOK the 10 years, and it came together when the manuscript and the timing were both right.

There's a quote that's attributed to Samuel Goldwyn that I like. "The harder I work, the luckier I get." I feel like this applies to writers. LOTS and LOTS of people want to be successful writers... but then they never finish a book. Or they finish, but they never learn to revise. Or they finish it, and revise, but are too scared of rejection to put it out there. 

If you've finished a book? CONGRATULATIONS. You are ahead of MOST of the world. Sure, that doesn't mean it will automatically get published. Still, the harder you work, the luckier you are likely to get.

Pretty much everyone who shares advice is doing so from a good place in their heart. If the advice works for you... awesome. If it makes you feel upset or weirded-out or doesn't work for you -- you're allowed to ignore it!  Take the best, discard the rest.

Ultimately, no matter how much research we do, no matter how many "buddies" we have to ask questions of, we each have our own machete, and we each have to hack out our own path through this jungle. Bring a headlamp!

So I made what might have been a colossal mistake last week and posted my "wish list." 

It was a failure of imagination on my part not to realize the can o' worms that would be opened by this post. For several days I battled tweets, emails, private messages, comments, smoke signals etc, basically saying "OK, you say you don't like ______ -- but what about ______ ????" 

"OK, no paranormal romance - but what if it is mostly realistic but then there are GOBLINS?"  "OK, you don't like books with dead girls... what about dead BOYS?"  "OK, you like horse books... what if they are SEAHORSES?"  "OK, you want a love story, and you like animals, but you didn't mention a combo... what if it is a KANGAROO love story?" 

OMG. You guys. Killin' me.

The "wishlist" is not meant to be "A Comprehensive List of All the Types of Books That Are Good."  

Th wishlist is also not a list of all the books I enjoy reading - this is not a list of all the books that are popular - this is also not a list of what any OTHER agent might be looking for.

The wishlist is merely a SAMPLE of the kinds of books I don't already represent, that I might be especially interested in looking at if somebody out there has written one. 

For example - I didn't talk much about Historical Fiction. I like it fine, but I already represent a lot of it... I am not begging for more, unless it is totally different from what I already have. (I already have Victorian England, Victorian America, Dark Ages Europe, Weimar Republic, 1960's USA...) 

Likewise, I didn't mention fantasy, because I already have LOTS of magical stories on my list. It would have to be pretty special and different to get my attention. That isn't to say that a special, different story that I'll love isn't out there - I'm SURE it is. I just don't consider that a "hole in the list."

Are there types of books that are not on the list that I would also love to see? I am sure there are - but I haven't even imagined them. That is where the fun of going through the submissions comes in -- I love to be surprised by what I fall in love with.

So I give up. For goodness sake, submit whatever you want. Just know that the things on the wishlist have a higher chance of getting close reads and more requested materials... and the things on the No list have an extremely good chance at swift rejection.

The things I never mentioned on either list? Go for it, why the heck not.

Paraphrased from a ton of queries:

* When you already work with an editor, and enjoy them, it is totally appropriate to give them the "first crack" at your new work.  

* When you already work with an editor, and this is a project that they have asked for specifically - a sequel, or another work set in the same world as your first, or they've asked you for a book on a specific topic, for example.

* When the agent or editor has worked with you extensively, and given you tons of specific editorial feedback, and has asked you to revise and indicated that they WANT to read it again, and you have revised the book specifically FOR THEM. Then it is totally appropriate to give an exclusive on that version of the manuscript, for a window of time. But all of those factors have to be in play. And you have to TELL the editor or agent that they have x-number of weeks to look. After that point, you are quite free to send the material to other people. 

While going through some of my childhood stuff on a recent house-move, I found a photo album full of pictures I'd cut out of trashy teen star magazines when I was in elementary school. I remember poring over these rags with my friends, reading them from cover to cover, even the ads in the back.

Draw Tippy the Turtle and you could go to Art School! Find true love by calling this number! Have your fortune told over the phone!

Of course we never FELL for any of them... until... Amazing weight loss tricks & glamour model lessons, and if you order now, FREE French Sunglasses!

Well obviously we wanted this. I mean, hello. We were 10 year old girls, the promise of glamour was catnip to us. But $15.99 or whatever it was was way out of reach. Unless we all put our money together... so we did. And I sent off the form, and the money. And we waited. And waited. And waited. Nothing. NOTHING.

Now, I wasn't a stupid kid. I knew that the "secret" to losing weight was to eat healthy food and do more exercise. I knew that models worked hard, were genetically blessed, and generally older than fifth grade. But... I REALLY REALLY WANTED THOSE GLAMOUR LESSONS. Weeks passed. Nothing. Seeds of doubt were planted in my heart. Months passed. I wrote them a letter. Nothing. I wrote them a FANCY letter on my mom's lawyer stationery.

Finally, one day! Six months later! An envelope! A dirty, thin envelope. With... a crummy, illegible quarter-page flyer in it with some smeary fake "model tips." I was crushed. And bitter. And mostly, just so, so embarrassed. HOW could I have been so dumb? And I'd not only spent my own money, but also had to explain to my friends that I'd lost their money as well. AND DID NOT EVEN HAVE FRENCH SUNGLASSES TO SHOW FOR IT. *woe*

So what does that have to do with you, my doves?

Well, gmail and similar companies have ads which target you based on what your emails are about. Every time I check my gmail, the ads on the sides and top of my email are all about writing and publishing. The thing is... they are all scams. ALL. SCAMS.

I barely notice them. It doesn't register with me, because I am not their target audience. But you... you, my pretty and innocent little writer friends... you who are unpublished but want to be, who can't seem to get the attention of agents and editors, who are maybe even to scared or confused to know how to TRY to get that attention... YOU ARE THEIR TARGET.

And as much as I would like to give each and every one of you some French Sunglasses, I can't.

So here instead are some words of wisdom.

IF IT SEEMS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, it's a scam.

WRITING WELL IS HARD. PUBLISHING IS HARD. THERE IS NO SHORTCUT. Writing takes practice. Lots of practice. Traditional publishing is very competitive, and generally quite time consuming. If somebody is offering you a shortcut, it's a scam.

MONEY FLOWS TO THE WRITER. Agents do NOT get paid until you do. Traditional publishers pay YOU, not vice-versa. While there are totally legit services you can hire to help you edit your book and the like, if somebody is offering to be your "agent" or "publisher" and they say you will be traditionally published, but they want you to write them a check, it's a scam.

"PUBLISH AMERICA" ARE SCAMSTERS.

WHEN IN DOUBT, LOOK IT UP ON PREDITORS & EDITORS. While the website is not infallible and there have been mistakes or instances of miscommunication on there, if an agency or publisher is marked "caution"... do yourself a favor and pay attention. And take a look at their warnings page, more ways to spot a scamster.

These scamsters are CRIMINALS, and they are able to operate because they are