As I write nonfiction books, I carefully consider sentence length and punctuation. Every sentence is crafted in a way that will support the pacing of my (true) story. Does sentence structure and punctuation affect the pacing of the story? Absolutely! How you write the text makes all the difference.
As an example, let’s consider the opening scene from my book,
Fourth Down and Inches:
Concussions and Football’s Make-or-Break Moment
I could have begun this book in countless ways. I chose to begin the book with a young man named Von Gammon because I believe it sets the scene for the whole book. I wanted to pull the reader in by giving them a glimpse into Von’s life. Once I decided to open the book with this young man, there were countless ways I could have written the scene.
Consider the following examples and choose which is more compelling:
EXAMPLE 1
Von Gammon lay down on the grass. He told his brother to stand on his hands. Von was strong and could prove it. He could lift his brother who was six feet six inches tall off the ground. Von was strong and skilled.
OR…
EXAMPLE 2
Von Gammon lay down on the grass and told his brother to stand on his hands. Von was strong, and he could prove it. Then he lifted his brother—all six feet and six inches of him—clear off the ground. And Von wasn’t just strong; he was skilled.
The second example is what appears in the published book. The first example communicates the same information, but doesn’t pull the reader into the story. The difference is in the sentence structure and punctuation.
Just a few sentences later, I write about the moment things changed for Von. Which of the following is more interesting?
EXAMPLE 1
When Von was a sophomore, he played in a football game that took place on October 30. He was on the University of George team and they were playing the University of Virginia. Von’s team was behind by seven points. The other team had control of the ball. Von was a defensive lineman. When the ball was snapped and the play began, the linemen hit each other. Von laid on the field after all the other players walked away.
OR…
EXAMPLE 2
On October 30 of Von’s sophomore year, the Georgia Bulldogs were battling the University of Virginia. They trailed by seven points, and Virginia had the ball. Von took his place on the defensive line. The center snapped the ball. A mass of offensive linemen lurched toward Von, and he met them with equal force.
The play ended in a stack of tangled bodies.
One by one, the Virginia players got up and walked away. Von didn’t.
The second example appears in the published book. Again it isn’t the information that is different; it is how the information is presented that is different.
Why did I begin
Fourth Down and Inches:
Concussions and Football's Make-or-Break Moment
with Von Gammon?
Because Von sustained a concussion and died a few hours later. His death caused many to wonder if football was too dangerous.
The year was 1897.
Carla Killough McClafferty
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My favorite book is Charlotte's Web. I loved it as a third grader, and I love it today. I cannot think of another book that makes laugh, cry and think . . . sometimes in one paragraph. Any book that can do all that for me, over a period of . . . well, a lot of years . . . is my definition of a masterpiece.
E.B. White's seamless writing is a delight to read . . . and hard to pull apart for examination. One thing that struck me as a child, was his use of lists as description. He does it in several places, particularly in describing the contents of Wilbur's slops. My favorite "list"is this one, after Charlotte's first web message.
The Zukerman's driveway was full of cars and trucks from morning till night--Fords and Chevvies and Buick roadmasters and GMC pickups and Plymouths and Studebakers and Packards and DeSotos with gyromatic transmissions and Oldsmobiles with rocket engines and Jeep station wagons and Pontiacs. ---pg. 83-84.
White could have ended the sentence at the word "night", and still had a perfectly serviceable sentence. But, no, he wanted to show the reader how many different kinds of people, through their various vehicles, came to see the wonder of the web.
I am sure E.B. White never gave a thought as to whether he was writing a "timeless" story to be read sixty years later in a world without Studebakers, Packards and DeSotos. Even reading it for the first time in the early 1960's. those cars were as dead as the dodo for me. That small detail never bothered me. What struck me was White specificity in using those brand names. Without knowing what it was called, I was introduced to the concept of specific writing.
While revising, I spend hours and hours picking over my word selection. Rather like Forrest Gump and his box of chocolates, ("you never know what you'll get") I never know how a specific noun, verb, adjective and occasionally, an adverb is going to feel in a sentence. I insert the word, and read the sentence out loud. Often, a word that sounded just fine in my head, tastes like a lemon cream center when spoken.
I hate lemon cream chocolates.
Unlike, Forrest, who was perfectly content to let life surprise him, I punch holes in my words, looking for the one with the maple fudge center.
I love maple fudge chocolates.
The perfect word, that specific detail, will melt slowly and sweetly on my tongue, like my favorite candy. Looking for that one word--the one that can describe that moment, that emotion, that person--is the reason I write so slowly. I can select, "chew" and reject words for hours on end. As Mark Twain said "The difference between the right words and the wrong word, is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug."
When I have bitten into my nineteenth lemon cream, sometimes I use the listing method, writing down all the possibilities I can think of. Sometimes, I end up using the entire list, as White did. More often, listing frees my mind to produce that one word. For instance, in my picture book, Surprise Soup, I stalled out in the scene in which Kevie actually makes soup. I don't cook. Period. I couldn't list cooking techniques or tools. I could, however, list the sounds of cooking, since that is as close as I get to a kitchen. Listing sounds -- splishety splash, chippety chop, scrubbety scrub-- got me back on track.
In writing, finding that maple fudge chocolate is everything.
4 Comments on Writing Is Like a Box of Chocolates, last added: 8/24/2010
MA,
Every time I read CHARLOTTE'S WEB, I learn something new about the craft of writing. I guess I'm due to read it again, because when I read the end of your second paragraph: "after Charlotte's first web message," my first thought was, "When did Charlotte use the Internet?" :-)
Great post. I am going to have to pick up Charlotte's Web again. I love the idea of making lists like that. I'm going to try it.
As I'm revising my latest ms, I've become more aware than ever of how important individual words are in getting the details right. I also make lists of words or descriptions as I revise, it's a great strategy!
I like the list idea. There are several spots in my story where I could incorporate it. But first I'm going to the store because for some reason I'm craving chocolate. There goes my diet. Pam Matar