was one of the more controversial Page Critiques in our history.
Some people loved the first line, and were confused and a tad horrified I suggested removing it.
Now, part of my reaction was undoubtedly completely subjective and was inevitably influenced by my own personal taste and should be taken with huge heapings of salt. Because I definitely understand that quite a few people love openings like this first line in question. They want to be hit with something clever and pithy and thought provoking, and it makes them want to read more. That's totally fine! Honestly. Knowing what you like is an incredibly important step.
My own feeling is that while pithy, high concept opening lines often show a great deal of promise, they can sometimes enter a zone where they feel like a grape that has yet to be plucked. A really tasty apple in a pie that hasn't yet gone in the oven. In other words: A great start, but not yet baked into the story.
Speaking generally, when there's a pithy first line that stands alone and is wholly separate from the next paragraph and the flow of the story, they can sometimes feel more like a tag line than the start a novel. They advertise the plot and premise and the author's cleverness, but it's not really the beginning of the story. The hand of the author can feel a bit too present.
In order for a pithy or clever first line to work for me, the most important thing is that
. It's not a non sequitor, it's not out of step with what the main character is thinking or feeling at that moment, it doesn't just exist for the sake of being clever, it doesn't feel forced. There's a reason that we are getting that first line at the time we're getting it. What follows that first line builds off that thought rather than leaving it dangling there as a teaser.
first line. "
" It doesn't get much more high concept and catchy than that. But what follows is the
for that line: "Miles stared at the words, black in their clean lines against the white of the paper. First time to write the truth. He put the pen back to the pad.
Jeff didn't just leave that first line dangling, it's woven into the narrative. There's a reason we're getting it there, and it all builds together in such a way that the line sucks us into the story rather than leaving us wondering what happened to that line.
I often compare openings to a trust fall. If you're going to execute a very daring maneuver with the opening, it's so so necessary to catch the reader afterward. And the way to do that is not just by wowing the reader with an opening (though that's undoubtedly a great start), but by integrating that cleverness into the flow of the story.
Build off that cleverness. Take that idea and then dial it up a notch by weaving it into the narrative. When it's an integral part of the story and feels perfectly natural, the idea will be that much better.
Thanks again to darylsedore for bravely offering the page. I think this is an interesting high concept beginning, and the page is able to build a suspenseful tone, which I enjoyed. The "bring hammer" part of the premonition was a great touch, and I really want to know why she's under that bridge.
My concerns with this page have to do with the opening lines and with the overall polish.
I'm honestly not quite sure whether the opening rhetorical questions are meant to be taglines or whether they're intended to be the first lines of the manuscript. As someone who doesn't care for queries beginning with rhetorical questions, I'm afraid I'm not usually a fan of them kicking off novels either. I would suggest cutting the two lines and letting the mystery build on its own - "Sarah Roberts looked at her watch again" is a perfectly fine opening line.
And in terms of overall polish, I'm afraid I just didn't feel that the writing was smooth, and I was tripped up by some awkward phrasing and confusing descriptions, which are below in the redline. Lack of precision was the main culprit, and there were places where I thought a better word choice could have been more effective.
With more polish I think the reader will be more engaged as the plot unfolds.
REDLINE
Title: The Precog
Genre: Thriller
Word Count: 250
Would someone die today? Would she be able to save whomever it is she’s supposed to save? Confused by this opening
Sarah Roberts looked at her watch again.
10:15am.
Three minutes until the premonition came true.
This was the fifth one she chose to act on. She’d had seven in the last six months. The first two were neglected Passive voice. She didn’t know was happening then a tad awkward, and a word missing - it took me a little while to realize "then" meant when she was first receiving the premonitions. But now, she followed her notebook details "notebook details" the right word choice? exactly as they were written. Sarah didn’t question the cryptic words. Fear played a role, but confidence won didn't quite understand this - fear played a role in what and confidence won what? If she doesn't question the words, what does she fear?.
She reached back and found a few stray hairs above the nape of her neck. She massaged them until they were firmly in the grip of her fingers "massaged" the right word choice? do we need this sentence? . Then she tugged them out. She closed her eyes and leaned back on the dirty cement. The slight pain that oozed over her skin soothed her does pain "ooze"?, calming the nerves.
Vehicles crossing the bridge above came to her didn't quite understand "came to her". She made a mental note that the next time she had to hover under a bridge waiting for whatever was supposed to happen she would bring a pillow to sit on. The hard cement ground she inhabited angled toward a small river at forty-five degrees. It was hard cement. The grass on either side looked more comfortable, but the message was specific. If there was anything Sarah knew, it was to follow the messages with absolute precision.
Thinking of the message, she recited it in her head; Sit directly in the middle, under the St. Elizabeth Bridge. At 10:18am. Bring hammer great detail.
I'm back in the office after attending a lovely wedding in Amish country, who I don't suppose are big readers of this blog. Ah well. What they lose in Bachelor references they gain in lack of Bachelor references.
Time for Monday's page critique! Refresher on how this works:
- If you're interested in submitting a page for a future critique, enter it in this thread in the Forums (and be sure and check out the directions in the first post).
- I use a random number generator to select the winning critique.
- Please please please remember the sandwich rule when offering your thoughts: positive, very very constructive thoughts, positive. I mean it. Err on the side of being nice.
As of this posting there were 383 posts in the thread, and the number that the good machine at random.org gave me was..........
192!
Congrats to susanivt, whose page is below.
I'll be back in a bit with my critique.
Title: Hope
Genre: Romance (paranormal)
Kathryn knew she would have a bad day when she woke up to the rumble of the snowplow. Sure enough, his whine announced the Doberman's launch onto her bed. Amid the unpredictable impacts of his paws, Kathryn flailed beneath the blankets in an attempt to get away. Misjudging the size of her new bed, she spread her arms as she slid over the edge. She managed to grip the flannel sheet and execute an impressive flip onto the floor.
Thump!
"Damn it, Dargo! It's just a snowplow for Pete's sake!"
Jumping off the bed, Dargo crouched next to her. His quivering bulk against her side dissolved her anger.
"It's okay, boy. Nothing's going to hurt you." Bending her arm at an odd angle, she stroked his chest and sighed into the carpet. He pressed his cold nose onto her bare leg and she rolled sideways, driving her elbow into the leg of her nightstand.
"Ouch!"
Her cherry nightstand could withstand the tremor, but she couldn't say the same for the item upon it. Looking up, she saw the large display of her alarm clock read 5:14 as it tipped over the edge, hitting her in the forehead.
"God, I hate Mondays."
An hour later, Kathryn stomped her boots in the lobby of Cameron IT Consulting. Leaving a trail of snow, she squeaked along the floor toward the security desk. Chuckling, the guard covered his mouth and turned away.
"Steve, I don't even want to hear it." Kathryn frowned,
Thanks so much to susanivt for offering her page! I think this opening has a nice spirit to it, and I think it does a good job of kicking off the novel with a whimsical tone and a good sense of character. While beginning with someone waking up is a bit of a standard trope, I nevertheless appreciate that this page doesn't try to do too much and instead just introduces us to the character.
My main concern about this opening is that the writing feels a bit stilted to me.
Stilted writing is a very common pratfall, and I think of it as a combination of three symptoms: 1) imprecision, 2) overly complicated phrasing, 3) the Yoda Effect.
What is the Yoda Effect? Well, I'm sure there's a proper grammar name for it, but it's basically when the verb and subject are reversed in confusing fashion. ("Judge me by my size, do you?", "Impossible to see the future is.") The Yoda Effect creeps into this page in a few places ("his whine announced the Doberman's launch" "Jumping off the bed, Dargo crouched next to her" "His quivering bulk against her side dissolved her anger."), and I think the sentences would read much more smoothly if they were reversed. ("she heard her Doberman's whine before he launched himself on the bed" "Dargo jumped off the bed and crouched next to her" "Her anger dissolved when she felt his quivering bulk against her side")
The result of the combined stilted symptoms is that this page never quite got into a rhythm for me and I didn't always believe the action. While I'm all for physical humor, I just don't know that more is gained by describing her fall with every single action in its parts rather than a more streamlined description. I tend to think that "and she fell off the bed in a heap" works better than "Kathryn flailed beneath the blankets in an attempt to get away. Misjudging the size of her new bed, she spread her arms as she slid over the edge. She managed to grip the flannel sheet and execute an impressive flip onto the floor."
I think this page could work with some polish and I would think about whether a less standard opening could better show this character in her element and possibly introduce some conflict, but it's clear that the author has a strong sense of character and that's an important step.
REDLINE
Kathryn knew she would have a bad day when she woke up to the rumble of the snowplow. Sure enough, his whine I first read this as the whine of the snowplow and wondered why the snowplow was a "he" before I eventually realized it was the dog's whine announced the Doberman's seems odd to me to refer to the dog as "the Doberman" rather than "her Doberman" - this is her pet, right? launch onto her bed see Yoda Effect above. Amid the unpredictable impacts should be "impact" of his paws, Kathryn flailed beneath the blankets in an attempt to get away. Misjudging the size of her new bed, she spread her arms as she slid over the edge. She managed to grip the flannel sheet and execute an impressive flip onto the floor.
Thump! do we need the sound effect?
"Damn it, Dargo! It's just a snowplow for Pete's sake!" May be a personal/geographic response, but I didn't believe the "for Pete's sake" - it seems like something a much older character would say.
Jumping off the bed, Dargo crouched next to her Yoda. His quivering bulk against her side dissolved her anger Yoda.
"It's okay, boy. Nothing's going to hurt you." Bending her arm at an odd angle necessary detail?, she stroked his chest and sighed into the carpet. He pressed his cold nose onto her bare leg and she rolled sideways, driving her elbow into the leg of her nightstand.
"Ouch!"
Her cherry nightstand could withstand t
Don't let any San Franciscans trick you -- yes, San Francisco is having the coldest summer in fifty years, yes, San Franciscans will complain like the dickens and act like it's the apocalypse with a side of brimstone, but press us and we will reveal that no, we don't want to trade with your heat wave, thankyouverymuch. The complaints are a ruse. You've been warned.
Now then! Page Critique Monday!
Refresher on how this works:
- If you're interested in submitting a page for a future critique, enter it in this thread in the Forums (and be sure and check out the directions in the first post).
- I use a random number generator to select the winning critique.
- Please please please remember the sandwich rule when offering your thoughts: positive, very very constructive thoughts, positive. I mean it. Err on the side of being nice.
As of this posting there were 410 posts in the thread, and the number that the good machine at random.org gave me was..........
59!
Congrats to Petronella, whose page is below.
Thistledown: Genesis
Genre: Science Fiction
Chapter 1: Jay’s Story: Birth
I became aware when the first of my six brains activated. At the same time, the Library, a vast fount of knowledge, linked to my newly activated brain. One of the many librarians allowed me access to but a tiny part of the vast database. Inspite of the small size of the area, I delighted in all the knowledge I found there. Into my dark, silent world came light in a rainbow of colours, and sounds in a range of tones. I learned of other things I needed to know about when the day came for me to leave the gestation tank in which my body took form. It would be a long time before that would happen. In the meanwhile, I played in my part of the library.
Moments before my birth, the second of my brains activated. This one governed movement, both automatic and volitional. Others of my kind would guide my automatic motions, and later teach me to undertake the volitional movements, which would be with me for the rest of my existence.
I waited, impatient to be born. After an indeterminate period of time, the top of the tank slid aside and a blurry red-lit world revealed itself. Two pairs of hands helped me to a standing position. The owners of the hands wiped the clear birth fluids from my body, making certain most the the jelly-like substance fell back into the tank.
Thanks very much to Petronella for offering today's page, which instantly had me wishing that I had six brains, one of which would be plugged into a vast library. Um. When can I sign up for the surgery and do I need to bring my own Novocaine?
Honestly though, it's a very compelling premise and I'm curious about where this character will be taking their six brains. However, I had some concerns about the prose in this page, and there are two main culprits: imprecision and overstuffed sentences.
An overstuffed sentence happens when a writer tries to pack too much into a sentence in convoluted fashion, making it difficult for the intent of the sentence to come through and to follow it becomes an exercise in re-reading the sentence while making the sentence clearer in our brains so we can understand the overstuffed sentence, which is the point of reading.
Basically: overstuffed sentences tend to go off in unexpected directions (one clause doesn't lead directly to the next) and/or are filled with superfluous detail that obfuscates rather than clarifies.
There are two overstuffed sentences in this page ("I learned of other things I needed to know about when the day came for me to leave the gestation tank in which my body took form." and "Others of my kind would guide my automatic motions, and later teach me to undertake the volitional movements, which would be with me for the rest of my existence.") that would benefit from having superfluous detail removed or otherwise clarified (see below in the redline).
And in terms of precision, there was phrasing that didn't quite connote what the author intended and some grammar/spelling errors that tripped me up.
If this paragraph were smoother, the visceral experience of a character slowly becoming conscious with multiple brains would be more immediate and gripping.
REDLINE
Thistledown: Genesis
Genre: Science Fiction
Chapter 1: Jay’s Story: Birth
I became aware when the first of my six brains activated. At the same time "At the same time" doesn't really connote "simultaneously" for me, which is how it's intended here. It's more commonly used to mean "However," so I had to re-read it when I realized it was intended to mean "simultaneously", the Library, a vast fount of knowledge, linked to my newly activated brain. One of the many librarians allowed me access to but a tiny part of the vast database. In_spite of the small size of the area I find this confusing - is it a physical area? We don't normally think of electronic databases in terms of physical space , I delighted in all the knowledge I found there . Into my dark, silent world came light in a rainbow of colours, and sounds in a range of tones. I learned of other about the things I needed would need to know about when the day came for me to leave the gestation tank in which my body took form. It would be a long time before that would happen this feels confusing since it's in first person/past tense and presumably the narrator would know how long it took. Maybe just say "I spent X days/months/years in that state?. In the meanwhile, I played in my part of the library.
Moments before my birth, the second of my brains activated. This one governed movement, both automatic and volitional. Others of my kind would guide my automatic motions, and later teach me to undertake the volitional movements, which would be with me for the rest of my existence. This feels like it should come later - do we need to know this now?
I waited, impatient to be born. After an indeterminate period of time Reads
Monday! In a further further-attempt to make the blog more navigable, I've gone back and updated the post labels so that hopefully they are a bit more comprehensive, and I will try to continue to be good about that.
See, watch this. Monkeys. Now I shall tag the post monkeys! Also every post is better when monkeys are mentioned.
On to the page critique!
Refresher on how this works:
- If you're interested in submitting a page for a future critique, enter it in this thread in the Forums (and be sure and check out the directions in the first post).
- I use a random number generator to select the winning critique.
- Please please please remember the sandwich rule when offering your thoughts: positive, very very constructive thoughts, positive. I mean it. Err on the side of being nice.
As of this posting there were 434 posts in the thread, and the number that the good machine at random.org gave me was..........
353!
Congrats to WilliamMJones, whose page is below:
Title: I'm a Nobody
Genre: YA Fantasy
250 Words
Hide.
I obeyed the voice in my head without question. The classroom door opened easily despite being locked. I closed it silently and turned to the dark room. Moments later the sound of footsteps came from the hall. They were fast and sharp. They grew closer, until they were just outside the room, and then they began to fade. I breathed a sigh of relief, knowing I had almost been caught trespassing.
It was nearing midnight, and the school’s security system was working, but I felt no urgency to leave. The cameras had not detected this person. “Someone else can do it too?” I asked.
Follow.
I obeyed, throwing open the door and chasing the source of the footsteps through the dark halls.
I knew that hearing voices meant someone was crazy, and obeying the voices without question made them dangerous. But I wasn’t crazy or dangerous. The voices in my head were always right. I didn’t know what that made me.
If this person was like me, I would get an answer.
I followed the source of the footsteps through the school, past the main office and into a hall full of dull green lockers. I thought I knew where the person was going, though I couldn’t be sure. After two more turns and a walking through a short hall past a security camera, they were in front of a door. It looked like every other door in the school, with an oversized steel doorknob and peeling red paint.
Thanks very much to the intrepid WilliamJJones for offering his page for critique! Random.org has been very good to Mr. Jones lately as he was also randomly selected to be a participant in Be An Agent for a Day II. Now if he would just buy a lottery ticket for me we should be all set.
This is a solid page and it's hard not to be struck by the essential question: is the voice in the protagonist's head their own or someone else's? Who is this mysterious other person? Where are the voices leading the protagonist? There's some good mystery here that will keep the reader wanting to find out what happens next.
This page gets off on solid footing and I think it works reasonably well as is, but aside from the usual tightening-up edits, I have one sneaking worry about it: vagueness.
It's so difficult to build mystery in an opening. There's a very tricky balance between giving the reader what they need to know to understand the mystery vs. leaving some questions unanswered so it's mysterious vs. holding out on the reader by leaving out too many details, and I feel like this page may tilt just a bit too much to the latter. The (very) rough rule of thumb about building mystery, especially with first person narratives, is that the reader should see/know roughly what the narrator see/knows. When a first person narrator isn't letting the reader in on what they know they risk feeling like the author is holding out on them.
There are moments in this page that feel like the author is cheating a bit with a first person perspective (e.g. "The cameras had not detected this person." - how does the protagonist know this?), and there were other times when it felt like the protagonist was unnecessarily withholding detail from the reader. The mechanics of this: "The classroom door opened easily despite being locked." go unexplained (though perhaps will come later). This: "If this person was like me, I would get an answer" will have the reader saying "like what?" "what answer?" And this: "I thought I knew where the person was going" had me saying, "Well, why can't I know where the protagonist is guessing this person is going?" One or two of these on their own would probably be fine and contribute to a sense of mystery. Add them up together and the reader might feel like the narrator is being overly coy.
The last point I'd make on vagueness is that while the narrator seems to be aware that they are listening to voices in their head, aside from casually wondering if they're going crazy the character seemed oddly ambivalent about the voices, and I wasn't sure I fully believed that - if you were aware of the voices in your head wouldn't you be scared/awed/trying to get rid of them/something by them? And I was similarly confused by how nervous/apprehensive the protagonist is. While he/she quickly hides and breathes a sigh of relief when he/she isn't caught, he/she then feels no urgency to leave. So is this character scared or not? Why would they nearly escape and then feel no urgency to leave?
Overall, while I think this page is already in a reasonably good place, I feel like it would be just a bit stronger if the reader were let a bit more inside the protagonist's head and that just a bit more personality and emotion were infused into this opening.
REDLINE:
Title: I'm a Nobody
Genre: YA Fantasy
250 Words
Hide.
I obeyed the voice in my head without question. The classroom door opened easily despite being locked I was confused by this - at first in a good way, but then as the mysteries accumulated I started feeling a bit held out on. I closed it silently and turned to the dark room. Moments later the sound of footsteps came from the hall. They were fast and sharp. They grew
Thissssssssss Weeeeeeek... InPublishing
Page Critique Friday is alive and well!! It's happening over in the Forums. You do not need to register in the Forums to check out the Page Critique thread, but you will have to register if you'd like to leave a comment. To register, just click here and it should be quite self-explanatory. Other than that it's the same as before, so stop on by.
Lots and lots of news this week, so let's get started.
First up, the most comprehensive review I have ever seen about the relative environmental benefits of e-books vs. paper books was published by Slate's The Green Lantern. The winner? E-books on every count, provided you read more than 18 books on an iPad and 23 books on a Kindle. Even on chemicals/metals, often cited as a problem with e-readers, the Green Lantern judged the side-effects of producing ink more harmful than the metals that go into e-readers. Worth a read.
Random House and agent Andrew Wylie have settled their standoff over the rights to backlist e-book titles that Wylie had announced would be exclusively published by Amazon. In the end, Random House and Wylie came to terms, and the e-books will be published by Random House after all. Word this morning is that Wylie and Penguin are negotiating as well. Bloomsbury publisher Peter Ginna has a great analysis of some of the implications. While early reports tended to characterize this as a "win" for Random House, Ginna points out that it really depends on the deal that was struck (and the ones yet to be struck).
In further e-book news, PWxyz spotted a good explanation from Wired about the economics of e-book pricing, another e-book domino has fallen as Laura Lippman's brand new bestseller is selling more e-books than hardcovers, there's a color e-reader called the Literati coming, the Wall Street Journal took a look at the reading habits of e-book readers (hint: they read more), Seth Godin made some publishing waves as he said in an interview that he will no longer publish the traditional way (citing the frustration of the long wait and filters of traditional publishing), and oh yeah, the NY Times had an article about digital devices and learning and attention spans but I've already ohmigod how awesome was Project Runway last night????
And yeah yeah news news, what about e-books and author revenue? Well, Mike Shatzkin has a really great post explaining how the royalty ma
It's Monday, which means it's time for our regular feature: WHAT IN THE WORLD HAPPENED ON LOST IT'S EVERYTHING I CAN DO TO AVOID A SPOILER RIGHT NOW MONDAYS!!! Oh. I mean Page Critique Monday. Which will occasionally be Query Critique Monday, One Sentence/One Paragraph/Two Paragraph Pitch Critique Monday, Synopsis Critique Monday, and Insert Other Kind of Monday.
A reminder of the rules (please read before posting because the first eligible comment will get the critique):
1. The first person to enter a 250 word excerpt from the beginning of their novel in the comment section will win the critique. Please also tell us the title and genre.
2. I will update the post with the excerpt, unedited, so we can all read and form our opinions.
3. I will later update the post again with the excerpt now featuring my redlines, thoughts, comments, drawrings, emoticons, and assorted other marginalia (but really only redlines, thoughts, and comments)
4. Feel free to add your own two cents, but remember the sandwich method: positive, extremely polite constructive criticism (and I mean it), positive. I've decreed you need to read and heed this creed or I'll proceed to make you bleed. Indeed.
To the island! Or whatever it was!
UPDATE #1: THE EXCERPT
Here is the page. I'll be back later with my critique.
Secrets of the Moon Fox
Fantasy/Suspence
Arriving home, Liska noticed instantly, even before she got to the door, that someone was already inside. Living alone, and being mildly anti-social, this was neither expected nor desired. Now, was whoever was inside looking for Liska or ‘Anna’?
She analyzed the place silently. There was no outward proof to back up her suspicions. The door was still shut, and apparently locked, the windows were shaded just as she had left them, but instinct, deep animal instinct warned her. Her den had been invaded. But by whom and why?
A college dorm room is not known for being overly secure. This dorm, built in the same mold of a motel, was even less so. Absolutely anyone could walk onto the campus, pick or force the sub-standard lock, and waltz in. Yes, she was on the second floor, which made random break-ins a touch less likely, but it wasn’t impossible. This didn’t feel random, though.
It could be a thief or an attacker that was focused on her or her current ‘safe’ persona. If that was the case, it would be wise to have Liska ready, even if not immediately apparent. On the other hand, it could be something logical and harmless, like the RA doing an inspection or leaving a note; or maintenance or the bug exterminator she had been warned would come by sometimes. Those would definitely be ‘Anna’ visitors. It could be a family member waiting for her; to deliver a message, or test her. Or both.
Page critique! Page critique! My kingdom for a page critique!!!
Actually it's free.
You all know how this works at this point, but slightly changed rules:
1. The first person to enter a 250 word excerpt from the beginning of their novel in the comment section will win the critique. Please also tell us the title and genre.
2. I will update the post with the excerpt, unedited, so we can all read and form our opinions.
3. Instead of updating the post later with my thoughts and comments, this time around I'm going to put my thoughts and comments in a new post. This will hopefully make it easier to keep track of if you're reading in a feed reader
4. Feel free to add your own two cents, but remember the sandwich method: positive, extremely polite constructive criticism (and I mean it), positive. I've decreed you need to read and heed this creed or I'll proceed to make you bleed. Indeed.
UPDATE: THE EXCERPT!
Thanks very much to the Screaming Guppy for sharing:
Title: Hound in Blood and Black
Genre: dystopian fiction
Part 1
The first time I met Kumari, she smelled of gunmetal, blood and death. Her purpose, through chance and circumstance, became to save my life.
I hated her.
Chapter 1
Last tank of gas, she thought as the engine spit out a black cloud before picking the Jeep back up to speed. It meant one thing: last chance to make a catch. Last chance to eat, drink. To win.
Last chance to stay alive.
“Harder!” Kumari screamed over the howl of the battered engine. It revved as Bastion punched the gas pedal, dust and pebbles spraying the old army Jeep in a peppered graffiti. Driven by the wind, coarse bits of the world clawed her cheeks and scratched the surface of her shades. She adjusted the bandana across the lower half of her face.
Despite the murky air she saw her quarry, clear against the horizon.
“Left!” she shouted. The Jeep veered hard to the side, tires skidding and jumping over the rocky desert. Kumari caught herself with a hard foot to the wheel well, keeping her balance in check while the vehicle sped across the plain. Her prey, a humanoid, stumbled as the Jeep cut in front of its path. “Damn it, Bastion. Don’t run it over!”
The Jeep jerked again, this time to the right, spewing more broken earth into the sky. Bastion yelled something back at her, but his words were stolen by the wind.
Her throat was dry. Only daybreak, and already hot as hell.
Thanks so much to Chuck H for offering his page for critique!
As many have noted in the comments section, this page has an engaging start, and there's strong writing here. It manages to be both languid (two guys sitting on the porch) and tense (discussing tough questions), there's an interesting dynamic between the characters, and it opens some questions that we want to know more about. Nice work, Chuck!
Other than some smoothing out (more about that in the redline), I have just one main point of concern, which has to do with the opening.
There was something that wasn't quite working for me with the opening line, and I just couldn't figure out what it was. There's nothing technically wrong with it, it's catchy, it's intriguing on its own.... but there was something that felt just a bit off. And I couldn't put my finger on it.
Then I realized: it's not the first line that's the problem! Instead, it's actually the second line that threw me.
As I've discussed in past page critiques, starting off in provocative fashion (e.g. with catchy dialogue or rug-pulling/just kidding moment or something otherwise provocative etc.) is one of those trust-fall moments between a writer and reader. The hand of the author shines through in these types of openings. Yes, a provocative opening can help pull in the reader by making them want to find out what the writer is going to do, but the flashiness and artifice can make it difficult for the reader to immediately forget the presence of the author and immerse themselves in the book. So it's very necessary to quickly catch the reader so they feel as if they're in sure hands.
And unfortunately, in this case the second sentence drops the reader in the proverbial trust fall. It feels a bit stilted ("as I contemplated my companion who was staring out"), a bit redundant (the narrator both "thought about" and"contemplated"), and contradictory (the "as" in the sentence makes it seem like he's thinking about both the question and the questioner simultaneously, which isn't really how thinking works). It didn't make me believe in the character's voice, and I just don't know that it delivers on the promise of the first line. As a reader it put me on edge.
The consequence: because I didn't believe the second line, all of a sudden it didn't seem plausible to me that this character would fixate on his companion's appearance when faced with that question, even though the detail in the third sentence is good and even though there's nothing wrong with a pause or a character observing another character in this situation. It's just that the second sentence made me disbelieve this character's reaction.
After that moment the page flows fine and it recovers. But when you're starting in catchy fashion, it's so important to make sure that what follows the catchy part is just as strong, if not stronger than the opening. Otherwise the reader is going to feel dropped and it undermines the trust that is so important to establish in the beginning of a novel.
All the same, I think this page is in very good shape and think it just needs a few tweaks.
THE REDLINE
TITLE: Old Farts
GENRE: Mystery/Suspense
Chapter One
“Have you ever killed anyone?”
I thought about that one for a while as I contemplated my companion who was staring out across the valley. Joe was about my age—somewhere in the neighborhood of sixty—compact, wiry with a full head of gray hair speckled here and there with dark spots. I thought to myself that, with his dark complexion and that nose, he must have had some Indian ancestry. Excuse me, Native American. Evidently my contemplation had gone on too long Not necessary. Show it through the other character interrupting.
“Well, have you?” This bit of dialogue didn't feel natural to me. Do people really say, "Well, have you?" when they're impatient? Would
Congrats to Spain and Octopus Paul for their respective victories in the World Cup! Spain's passing was impressive, but let's face it, Octopus Paul is a living legend.
Time for Monday's page critique! Refresher on how this works:
- If you're interested in submitting a page for a future critique, enter it in this thread in the Forums.
- I use a random number generator to select the winning critique.
- Please please please remember the sandwich rule when offering your thoughts: positive, very very constructive thoughts, positive. I mean it. Err on the side of being nice.
As of this posting there were 252 posts in the thread, and the number that the good machine at random.org gave me was..........
7! Congrats to Cameron Chapman, whose page is below.
I'll be back in a bit with my critique.
TITLE: Something in the End
GENRE: Women's Fiction
248 words
Cass walked closer to the rocky Newfoundland shoreline to take more photos. Everything around her was worth shooting. Even the rusted boats had a certain rough charm; every mark on their hulls told stories in some language Cass couldn’t understand.
She walked out onto a deserted pier and continued snapping photos. Gulls circled overhead as fishermen started unloading lobster and crab from crates stored on their decks or below. Cass was thankful for her telephoto lens, allowing her to take photos from a safe distance. She wasn’t sure if the locals would see her presence there as an imposition.
“This is private property.”
The gruff voice behind her caused Cass to jump. She turned and saw a man strolling down the pier toward her. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” she called back, struggling to keep her voice even. As he neared she could see he wasn’t very old, maybe ten years older than she was, with dark hair and a few days worth of beard.
“No harm. Just letting you know.”
“I’ll go,” she said as he came closer. He was tall, broad-shouldered, with a square jaw, visible despite his short beard.
“Stay and keep shooting if you’d like. Makes no difference to me.” He walked past her and climbed down a short ladder to a boat below. Cass watched, intrigued. She had the urge to take his picture but wasn’t sure if he’d mind. Something she couldn’t quite put her finger on stopped her from asking.
Over the course of these various page critiques I have been occasionally accused of over-tinkering and impossible-to-please, and so it pleases me to have an entrant where I don't have too many suggestions!
I think this page is in strong shape, and I like this especially: it takes its time and lets the setting unfold. It doesn't try to be overly shocking or clever or try to pull the rug out from under us. It's just a well-written, confident opening.
And that is perfectly fine.
Now, I wouldn't be myself if I didn't have SOME suggestions, which are below. Overall I thought there might be a bit more room for giving more of a hint of Cass' personality and mindset (I'm not quite sure why she's so jumpy), and there were some sentences I'd rejigger to improve the flow. I also think there's room to give the man a bit more personality by giving a sense of why he gruffly sneaks up on her with "This is Private Property" but then doesn't seem to care that she's there.
But overall I think this page is in a good place. Well done.
TITLE: Something in the End
GENRE: Women's Fiction
248 words
Cass walked closer to the rocky Newfoundland shoreline to take more photos. Everything around her was worth shooting. Even the rusted boats had a certain rough charm; every mark on their hulls told stories in some language Cass couldn’t understand I like this a lot and think it gives nice insight into her personality, but I find the semi-colon a little awkward and wonder if it would work better broken up into two sentences.
She walked out onto a deserted pier and continued snapping photos No need to mention taking photos twice in the same paragraph. Gulls circled overhead as fishermen started unloading lobster and crab from crates stored on their decks or below. Cass was thankful for her telephoto lens, allowing her to take photos from a safe distance. She wasn’t sure if the locals would see her presence there as an imposition. Maybe more of a hint of personality or explanation here? Without more context it's tough to know why she's so nervous. Is she just nervous being a tourist?
“This is private property.”
The gruff voice behind her caused Cass to jump "caused Cass to jump" feels a little awkward. Maybe just "made Cass jump?" or "Cass jumped when she heard the gruff voice behind her?". She turned and saw a man strolling down the pier toward her. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” she called back, struggling to keep her voice even. As he neared she could see he wasn’t very old, maybe ten years older than she was, with dark hair and a few days worth of beard some other description here (I suggest moving the beard description below).
“No harm. Just letting you know.”
“I’ll go,” she said as he came closer. He was tall, broad-shouldered, with a square jaw, visible despite his short beard through a few days worth of beard (no need to mention the beard twice).
“Stay and keep shooting if you’d like. Makes no difference to me. If he doesn't care why did he gruffly say it's private property? Should there be a hint of softening when he sees he made her nervous? It could give more of a sense of his personality, even if he's a minor character” He walked past her and climbed down a short ladder to a boat below. Cass watched, intrigued already apparent. She had the urge to take his picture but wasn’t sure if he’d mind. Something she couldn’t quite put her finger on stopped her from asking.
Time for Monday's page critique! Refresher on how this works:
- If you're interested in submitting a page for a future critique, enter it in this thread in the Forums (and be sure and check out the directions in the first post).
- I use a random number generator to select the winning critique.
- Please please please remember the sandwich rule when offering your thoughts: positive, very very constructive thoughts, positive. I mean it. Err on the side of being nice.
As of this posting there were 347 posts in the thread, and the number that the good machine at random.org gave me was..........
10!
Congrats to darylsedore, whose page is below.
I'll be back in a bit with my critique.
Title: The Precog
Genre: Thriller
Word Count: 250
Would someone die today? Would she be able to save whomever it is she’s supposed to save?
Sarah Roberts looked at her watch again.
10:15am.
Three minutes until the premonition came true.
This was the fifth one she chose to act on. She’d had seven in the last six months. The first two were neglected. She didn’t know was happening then. But now, she followed her notebook details exactly as they were written. Sarah didn’t question the cryptic words. Fear played a role, but confidence won.
She reached back and found a few stray hairs above the nape of her neck. She massaged them until they were firmly in the grip of her fingers. Then she tugged them out. She closed her eyes and leaned back on the dirty cement. The slight pain that oozed over her skin soothed her, calming the nerves.
Vehicles crossing the bridge above came to her. She made a mental note that the next time she had to hover under a bridge waiting for whatever was supposed to happen she would bring a pillow to sit on. The ground she inhabited angled toward a small river at forty-five degrees. It was hard cement. The grass on either side looked more comfortable, but the message was specific. If there was anything Sarah knew, it was to follow the messages with absolute precision.
Thinking of the message, she recited it in her head; Sit directly in the middle, under the St. Elizabeth Bridge. At 10:18am. Bring hammer.
I always learn so much! Thank you. :)
I generally think prologues are unnecessary, but I have to admit that this one is pretty perfect. It's super short, and it's so shocking that it really puts you in the right frame of mind for the rest of the story.
I love these so much. Thanks for bringing it back ;)
I concur. I think one of the problems of everyone advertising the need for a great "hook" is that writers feel the need to overwhelm the reader. Big, bigger, biggest! Great hooks can be the little things that intrigue the reader and lead them to the big things.
I actually really enjoyed the prologue and thought it could be very effective if reworded a bit. Here's the original:
The first cut was not intended to kill.
But it was effective. Imagine the paper cut you get on your finger – but seven inches long and to the bone – across your forehead. And it’s the middle of the night and you’re bound and gagged. And you know there’s more coming . .
I think the first line makes a better last line because of its inherent dramatic question. I agree about the paper cut analogy being a little confusing. When I think of a gash like that, I think of BLOOD. I had a tiny nick in my scalp once, and it spurted blood for thirty minutes before we could get to the ER. So a seven inch cut? Yeah. I think blood.
If you want to keep the prologue, here's my little idea. :)
Imagine a seven inch gash across your forehead. Hairline to hairline with you bound, gagged, powerless to stop it. Through flesh to bone. The slice of the blade drops the red velvet curtain of blood.
The first cut wasn't meant to kill.
Intriguing beginning -- congrats on getting your page reviewed!
I like that it isn't over writerly or flowery. It is succinct and spare and that is refreshing. I also think we get a fairly good sense of character. The guy--he's kinda old school. Driving his Lincoln, admiring the young women, drinking at the bar. And he knows just where that bar is.
I'm not a big fan of the prologue either. It feels like it is there just to hook me and instead just confuses me. I think the writer sets up the book enough with the first page. There's an inherent sense of mystery and foreboding.
My needs as a reader are to get more details (like Nathan said) and less redundancy. He thinks she looks good from up front and behind and fine up close. I know he thinks she's hot, what about her makes her fine? Or maybe something like "he wasn't disappointed when he got a good look at her face." Except better than that, but I hope you know what I mean. Does he pick her up because she's fine or does he often pick up hitchhikers? Is he the main character? A good guy or a bad guy--I think we need some hints.
I would keep reading. It has my interest.
Thanks for doing this, Nathan!
I don't like the prologue - uck! (But then I don't like violence . . ;)
All the same, it gives me such a sinking feeling when I then read he picks up a female hitchhiker. If the story IS this man then abuses her, then I think I would rather not find out that is his intention until later - have no clue, just have the suspense. If it is someone ELSE who does the cutting (to whoever) then I guess it works as a red herring - but I still think it would work better leaving the reader wondering more what happens to whom.
You do a great job of introducing the town and the bar with a few key descriptive words; I'd like to see you do the same for Jim and Vicki. If Vicki's a scuffed up waif or a free spirit with a backpack and a tan. If Jim's a fit 50-year-old who's going to try to score with her, or if he's a seventy-something retiree just enjoying the company of a pretty girl while he's got it.
The prologue is omniscient, second person. Brief, yes, but a prologue is always a foreshadow, and a foreshadow, but its existence, always author intrusion.
The opening grafs are predominately passive. Much tell, little show, and consequently, as others point out, a cagey tease, where the writer is attempting to lure in a reader. Not wholly ineffective, but the reader's too conscious of being lured, thus resistant to it and moderately unsatisfied by it.
It's a start and could be a strong one with editing input, but playing fair with the reader is a writer's job one. Fiction is a contract between story and reader, not writer and reader.
I agree with everything Nathan said. And I think the prologue did more harm than good.
Also, if she were hitchhiking, she would generally be standing or walking backwards, facing traffic. How you present her here means a lot. A pretty girl might have the confidence she'll be picked up without ever having to walk. You have her walking with her back to traffic.
The part I like best is the creepy little part of him making a u-turn. He went out of his way and that's kind of spooky. I'm hooked.
I also like the spare writing style, and the subtle creepiness after the prologue is intriguing. I would like a few more select details. As the other readers and Nathan suggested: I'd like something to indicate how they sized each up, and what went on in the car. Was that really her name, did he suspect she was lying? I'm also not sure how to place him; is he a creep? off-duty cop? a few minor details could help here--did she brush off some ashes off the sat. Was he regular at the bar etc. great start! (and thanks for bringing this feature back; its fun!)
I could take or leave the prologue, but I did feel the beginning of chapter 1 is well written. I'm giving the author the benefit of the doubt by thinking hitch-hiker girl does this a lot and never hesitates. That's her style. But I would like for Jim to call her on it.
I don't like the google maps driving directions. That shut me down, as did the play by play list of actions.
Some of those actions can work if they tie directly to the character. Going into the bar and choosing stools can be effective if there's an emotional connection, a memory, a desire, something that binds us to the character whose story we're about to read. I want to care about the people I'm reading about and at least pretend that they're real. :)
I like the prologue and agree that it sets us up for the kind of story we're in for. I went back and started without it and...though I like the first chapter beginning and the writing is good, I probably wouldn't read on without the prologue. Sets up the suspense nicely. Though I'm sure there are lots of ways of doing that without it--and they are used here--I think it's more a matter of personal taste.
I also like the succintness and lack of unnecessary detail at the beginning of chapter one. It keeps the suspense up for me.
I might want to know his reasoning for going in with her--just the obvious one, I'd imagine--but did he have to justify it to himself? Is this normal behavior for him? I'm thinking, Yeah, from the swiftness with which he turned to pick her up, it's normal. Thing is, me wanting to know more about him and his seemingly heedless, perhaps oddball choices (hers as well) is what keeps me reading. :)
I might play with the POV in the prologue. I see the need for the distance and like it and the prologue all in all...maybe it's more the word choice. There's a necessary distance...s'thing...
I love Jim's thoughts: natural. Seamlessly done.
Briar Patch = :)
I really like this opening and would read on. Nicely done. Thanks for sharing.
Am I the only one ancient enough to remember that TV commercial (I don't remember what product it was for) from the late 60s/early 70s that began, "The closer he got, the better she looked" ? That's the first thing I thought of when I read this.
Other than that, I found it intriguing.
I liked the prologue. I would leave it. It kept me reading. With the prologue I think the hitchhiker is dangerous somehow. Without it i just thik she is full of herself and a little annoying with her one sentence she utters. Thos opening doesnt work without the prologue for me.
I agree that there should be some thoughhts and interactions in the car and maybe a short description of what she looks like, although i could pretty much imagine the fine looking blonde.
I have to say that I like the prologue. Perhaps the phrase "Imagine the paper cut you get on your finger" could be removed, but the rest could be kept with a couple of minor word changes. It makes me want to keep on reading.
I like the prologue. Got my attention right away. I'd like to see the paper cut to the finger shortened to a paper cut across the forehead. The prologue keeps me guessing. Is it the guy who is a creep, picking up women in the night, who cuts her, or is the woman the psycho who goes after the driver? They both lack better judgement. Great for the story though. Love the suspense. Would like to see more details. More description, more inner dialogue. I couldn't shake the feeling that the woman is just a ghost. Especially when she doesn't order anything at the bar. The lack of upfront details, however, does keep me guessing. It leaves the door wide open for the writer to weave more information in slowly, keeping the reader glued for more detail.
I'm so glad you brought this back!
I see nothing wrong with prologues if they aren't too long. I had a well-known writer (during a crit appt at a conference) suggest to me that I add a prologue.
What I see in this story is a May-December connection: older man sees cute chick hitchhiking. That alone sets up certain expectations that may or may not be true. (as you say, Nathan, many things could happen from such a beginning).
I'm intrigued as to which way it will go and I'd like to know more about HIS intentions.
Thanks for offering your page for critique, coloradokid.
Are you bringing these back as a regular feature, Nathan?
Hi, Coloradokid,
Thanks for having the guts to submit your opening for comments.
Not sure about the prolog. Maybe just the one sentence. "The first cut was not intended to kill." I like that. Says it all. Passive voice is good. Attempt to keep distance. Because, although 3rd person, you're inside the killer's head, aren't you?
I like the way you throw us right into the action, without bogging things down with description & backstory.
Certain things nagged at me.
1. "As soon as he could..." The action needs clarification I guess. Was he searching for a u-turn? Did he know where it was? Did it take forever to come up? After making the turn, did he speed up, slow down? And, by the way, I know you're not supposed to open with weather, but was he squinting through rain or was moonlight lighting the landscape beyond his headlights?
2. "hot outside...cool inside." I finally realized that the shift of POV was bugging me. Although 3rd person, the rest is his POV. Just this one sentence is hers. Either omit, or maybe expand to a short pgh. Perhaps addressing what someone mentioned about hitchikers: No one was going to pick her up. She tucked her thumb inside her jeans pocket(?), turned around and quickened her step. Heard car or saw glare of headlights, blah blah blah whatever. Cool air.
3. Name. Vikki Thomas. What's wrong with that? Oh, I know. Chick doesn't usually give full name to guy she doesn't know. But maybe she has a reason. Did she really introduce herself, without waiting for him to make a move? As others have said, I think this introduction needs to be clarified. A little dialog here maybe.
This beginning sets the scene really well, with action.
I like your point, Nathan, about patience. I agree the writer rushes. Details of their presence in the car together could build tension effectively, as well as anchor the reader. I agree it's a missed opportunity.
Also, because the author rushes, he ends up telling, rather than showing. Telling the reader that "Jim was attracted to her" is so much less fun than showing the reader that he couldn't look away from the soft skin of her bare shoulders.
On the plus side, the writer does set up a mystery very effectively. Who is the good guy? The bad guy? What will happen? This is a great hook, and I felt compelled as a reader to read on and find out what happened!
I agree he also sets up an atmosphere that could easily turn creepy.
In terms of the prologue, I agree with you, Nathan, although I'd want to see it in the context of the whole book. It seems to me it gives away ALOT of information. Danger could be conveyed through atmosphere and description in the opening chapter, I'm not sure revealing an entire plot point is needed, but it's hard to know without reading the whole book.
The POV change in the prologue - where the narrator is talking to the reader - telling them to imagine things - also didn't work for me.
But overall an intriging start, with a good voice and compelling story.
I too enjoyed the first line of the chapter. It made me chuckle to myself, because it a realistic thought that I think most men could identify with.
Nathan did a thorough job with the critique. I think the conversation that could take place en route to the Briar Patch could replace some of the directional scenery description. Is this whole section important to move the plot forward? "Highway 71, which within the city limits was named Barksdale Boulevard. They passed the West Gate of Barksdale Air Force Base to the right. A few blocks further, and a block past Airline Drive" It is very specific information that may or may not interest the reader.
I am curious to know why the hitch hiker requested the Briar Patch but then didn't order a drink. Good mystery there. =)
Glad you're bringing this back, Nathan. Thank you.
I agree that there is inherent suspense in the scene. You are definitely left wondering about what will happen. Is Jim a serial killer?
I do have some problems with it. For one thing, if Jim is meant to be a good guy, then I don't think the beginning works because I don't find him likeable. The reason is: the only thing he notices about this girl is that she's blond and good-looking. The fact that nothing else is on his mind feels sexist to me and I just can't like him. If on the other hand, he's meant to be an anti-hero or what-have-you than his minimalistic observations may fit very well with a sociopath.
Also, I was unable to suspend my disbelief that this good-looking girl would ask for a ride to a bar. Hitchhiking is dangerous and wouldn't she only do it if she was in trouble? Who hitch hikes to a bar?
The prologue essentially said, "Imagine a trivial little paper cut except it is really deadly serious and nothing at all like a paper cut." I never think about paper cuts when anything more serious happens.
So, I'm voting with the rest to nix it.
Agree that the prologue should go -- it sounds very artificial in contrast to the first chapter, which has a more natural voice. It can sometimes be suspenseful to know that something bad is going to happen and watch it coming, but it's often more effective to leave the reader guessing.
Also wanted to second the comment that it's perhaps not wholly realistic for a young attractive woman to be hitchiking to a bar, and especially for her to hop into a car driven by a lone man without a second thought. There may be reasons for it that make themselves clear as your story unfolds, but if so I'd try to establish more of that up front -- she could show some hesitancy and be reassured by the driver, or hop into the car and thank him profusely because her car broke down and she's been stuck by the road for an hour, etc.