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This week Kelly and JJ live-critique five queries submitted for review. Thank you to everyone who sent us their queries! We would love nothing more than to be able to provide personalized critique to each and every one of you, but unfortunately we don’t have all the time in the world.

Show Notes

• We received about 15 queries, so we picked five that we thought demonstrated a breadth of concerns.
• Across the board, we saw a lot of telling, not showing.
• We also saw queries that told us “My book is about [insert theme here].” That’s all fine, but it’s necessary in a query, and it’s wasting space. The story is more important than what the book is about.
• Specifics always make us care more. Don’t be afraid to give us specific details. Vagueness is confusing, not enticing.

Query #1

According to your profile you are actively seeking children’s books that feature “adorakble” protagonists, and I think my story picturebook, TITLE, fits the kind of text you hope to market. My intent for the book is to broaden children’s exposure to music and encourage mixing different styles, while developing a sense of empathy. Each book in the TITLE series would include a brief history of the instruments featured alongside a bar of simple music that could be played with a recorder. The nonfiction and interactive elements would especially appeal to gifted elementary readers.

What happens when you’re the Captain of the Watch’s son returning home from a summer at Hero Camp, but you never mastered Highly Stylized Defenestration? Billy McDougal knows he doesn’t have what it takes to follow in the footsteps of his father and brothers, who are already considered heroes in the community. All of this changes when he finds an old bugle in the attic. His best friend, Claire Annette, encourages him to harness its power to help protect the town of Crescendo from a series of attacks by wild beasts who are in thrall to a mysterious figure with an enchanted Theremin. TITLE stories are set to feature a cast of multicultural characters who each represent different genres of music, from strings and percussion to beatboxing, and use their talents to protect their hometown from a mysterious and vengeful villain. One of my overarching themes is that “villains” are typically only lashing out after having been hurt themselves. The antagonist of the series, Leo, believes himself to be a hero avenging his sister, a musical prodigy who was left deaf after an accident. She is unaware of Leo’s actions and the climax of the series involves her mediating an alliance between her brother and the band.

I have a BA in creative writing from SCHOOL and have been teaching Language Arts for nearly a decade. During the summer I am an instructor at NAME OF CENTER where I work with gifted fourth and fifth graders in the Writing Workshop: Modern Fantasy course. I have seen firsthand how kids can channel their energy into creative outlets, and the results are amazing. I think Billy’s story can inspire the next generation and inform them of music’s historical relevance with hands-on application.

Thank you very much for your time and I hope you enjoy my submission!

Query #2

When Nora’s research leads her to a secret world of time travel, she becomes a marked woman and experiences a love that could change the past and destroy the present. Her story is TITLE, a 76,000-word contemporary fantasy. 

When Nora travels to France to dig deeper into her late mother’s time travel theories, she meets Henri, a man who claims to be a twelfth-century prince and the man she knows will one day become King Henry II of England.

Henri’s struggle for the throne brings him to the twenty-first century to find a relic from a 900-year-old shipwreck, recently recovered from the bottom of the English Channel. Nora joins his quest, thrilled to find living proof of time travel and eager to uncover more details about her mother’s research. But in her growing attraction to the prince, Nora ignores important signs that Henri is not being completely honest with her.

Helping Henri sets Nora firmly in the crosshairs of a dangerous group, the Guardians, who will stop at nothing to prevent time travel. Nora and Henri race across France to find the relic that will secure Henri’s kingdom before the Guardians silence them forever. When the Guardians finally abduct her and expose Henri’s lies, a shattered Nora realizes that her decision to trust him and ultimately love him could change the past and the present.   

TITLE combines historical intrigue in the spirit of Anne Forstier’s The Lost Sisterhood with the lighthearted romantic feel of Lauren Willig’s Pink Carnation series. This novel, along with most of my writing, is inspired by the piles of research I did for my Master of Arts in History. My short stories have been finalists for the Thomas Wolfe Fiction Prize and the Writer’s Workshop Fiction Contest and have been published in online literary magazines and several small press anthologies, including Copperfield Review. I live in Charlotte, NC, where I’m plotting more adventures for Nora and spinning non-magical historical tales.

The first [insert number] of pages are pasted below, and the complete manuscript is available upon request. Thank you so much for reading, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Query #3

Dear [Agent],

Yesterday, Jordan’s biggest fear was being outed as genderqueer. Today, he’s trying to stop the world’s largest video game company from becoming the next Big Brother before they kill him and his friends.

Jordan and his two gaming partners just won tickets for Cruise Con, a convention-at-sea hosted by the company that produces their favorite MMORPG. All they have to do is beta test a new game world with the other contest winners. But after the trial, an anonymous gamer tells them they missed something, and threatens their families if they don’t find it. Jordan wants to go to the police, but cops won’t reach the ship in time, and the security officers on board may not be trustworthy.

Then another curious gamer is killed, and Jordan and his friends get caught in a race to expose a lethal technology hidden in the game’s code before the tech is used against them.

TITLE is a 62,000-word young adult thriller with LGBTQ characters that will appeal to fans of Ernest Cline and Cory Doctorow’s Little Brother.

I have a B.A. in Classics from SCHOOL and an M.S. in library and information sciences from the OTHER SCHOOL. When not writing, I work as a public librarian, connecting readers with books they will love.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Query #4

Dear __________,

Eleven-year-old twins Seamus and Grady lead a life most boys can only dream of. They have rich, doting parents who never scold them, chuckle when they play hooky from school and give them whatever they want. They accidentally find out why. Turns out, they’re not Americans – heck, they’re not even human. They are twenty-first century, ex-pat leprechauns soon to possess awesome powers … if they can acquire a pot of gold each.

Unfortunately, pots of gold don’t come easy in their hometown of Boston, so they have to look elsewhere. The twins end up in Africa with an ancient map and a plan to find the lost treasure of Prester John, a mighty king who stashed his loot somewhere in Ethiopia. No quest comes without peril and standing in their way is the undead spirit of a giant African chief who guards the hoard and believes that by sacrificing the boys, he can return to the world of the living … and rule it. Can the twins outsmart a wily specter plus a few other sundry obstacles, acquire their pot of gold and live to ride the rainbow back home?

TITLE is my debut novel. It is a 45,000-word fun adventure aimed at children aged 9-12. It will appeal to readers who enjoy imaginative and fast-paced action books. With a hefty dollop of magic, of course.

I have a BA in Journalism SCHOOL in Montreal and work as a freelance writer to support my creative writing addiction. As per your submission guidelines, I am attaching a synopsis of my story and my manuscript.

Thank you for your time and consideration and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Query #5

The Crummett siblings have each adapted their lives to fit within the oppressive boundaries of their parents’ expectations. Whether it’s for money, approval, respect, or love, all the children have manipulated their lives conform to the family standards. But when Olive, the youngest and most beloved sister, ends up pregnant outside of wedlock and dares to be happy about it everything changes. Seeing Olive boldly step outside the shadow of their parents ridged expectations forces each of the siblings to question the fundamental motivations on which they have built their lives. This new perspective sends them each on their own unique journey.  

Olive’s closest sister, Sam, goes through a heartrending non-surgical abortion the day before she finds out about Olive’s pregnancy and now has to negotiate an emotional landscape scattered with the question “what if.” The oldest brother, William, a gay man whose parents refer to his long-time partner as his “black friend,” realizes that the only thing holding him back from fully engaging in life is fear of his parents’ disapproval. The oldest “perfect daughter,” Vivian, reignites a relationship she’d sabotaged with too much drinking and unexamined anger over events from her past. And the youngest sibling, twenty-one-year-old Mark, responds in typical fashion by pretending not to give a shit while actually feeling even more disgruntled with and disconnected from his siblings than before.

During this tumultuous time, a new family dynamic begins to take shape: bonds are formed between once distant siblings, close relationships are put to the test, and Mark’s bitter resentment towards his siblings turns dangerous. When the siblings find themselves face to face for the first time since Olive’s announcement tensions run high, and a final act of selfish rage sets off a series of events which end in a tragedy that threatens to destroy them all.

The Crummett siblings live up and down the West Coast in Portland, San Francisco, and Los Angeles, but their lives are intimately woven together as the point of view shifts from one sibling to the next after each phone call or in-person interaction between siblings. This flow of perspective creates the experience of a natural sibling dynamic while also giving readers the opportunity to learn about each character through their own thoughts as well as the observations and judgments of their siblings.

TITLE  is upmarket women’s fiction and is complete at 100,300 words.

What We’re Reading

• Lady Midnight by Cassandra Clare
• Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo (PubCrawl alum!)

What We’re Working On

• Kelly and JJ aren’t working on creative projects at the moment.

Off Menu Recommendations

• Black Mirror

That’s all for this week! Next week we’ll return to our Publishing 201 series with SALES CONFERENCE. Thanks for listening!

This week Kelly and JJ go into a little more detail about how to write a query: what works, what doesn’t work, the who, the what, the where, and the whys. Also, have a query you want to have critiqued? Email us!

Show Notes

• Browse all of PubCrawl’s posts on querying: Query Tips, Querying, and Querypalooza!
• Our previous podcast episode about Querying and Representation
• JJ has laid out “formulas” for copy before
• More about Inciting Incidents (which we also discussed in our first NaNoWriMo episode)
• JJ’s query for Wintersong (then called The Goblin King)
• Our episode about the High Concept Pitch

Tips for Best Query Practices

• Emotional distance from your work is best (we know this is hard!)
• Don’t go too broad; the more specific the better
• You don’t need to include absolutely everything about your book in your query—just enough to entice the agent into wanting more
• The shorter, the better: sweet spot is 250 to 400 words
• Let your story speak for itself; don’t talk about your book (show, don’t tell!)
• Try to limit the number of characters you’re naming in your query (they generally say no more than 3): the protagonist, the antagonist, major ancillary character
• Also, you may write a flawless query, but the agent may still pass because it’s simply not their taste

The “Formula”

SETUP: A brief “laying of the scene”: setting, premise, etc. The “status quo”, as it were.
INCITING INCIDENT: A disruption of the status quo (e.g. a stranger comes to town)
CONSEQUENCES OF INCITING INCIDENT: How the world has changed after the Inciting Incident
THE MOMENT THE PROTAGONIST BECOMES PERSONALLY INVOLVED: What it says on the tin

The SETUP but when INCITING INCIDENT happens CONSEQUENCES OF INCITING INCIDENT occur, so then THE PROTAGONIST BECOMES PERSONALLY INVOLVED.

All of this together gets across what the stakes are, and that’s what generates tension and interest in a story.

What We’re Reading/Books Discussed

• Challenger Deep by Neal Shusterman
• Salvage and Sound by Alexandra Duncan
• Morning Star by Pierce Brown
• Tell the Wind and Fire by Sarah Rees Brennan
• Assassin’s Heart by Sarah Ahiers
• Scripted by Maya Rock

Off Menu Recommendations

Lots of other podcasts this week!

• Limetown
• Lore by Aaron Mahnke
• The first season of Serial

Oh, and this is the DVD box set of Hart to Hart with JJ’s high school on the cover. And if you have not seen Legally Blonde, we suggest you rectify that immediately.

What We’re Working On

• Kelly has been giving classes at The Loft about contracts, so if you’re in the Twin Cities area, you should check it out!
• JJ is still working on mental health, but still thinking about writing

That’s all for this week! Next week, in continuation of our Publishing 201 series, we will giving an overview of SUBRIGHTS. 

Hey all, Hannah here! Last week, I spoke in depth about how to summarize your novel for a query. The month before, I gave some tips on little ways to take yours to the next level. Today, I’m going to go into a bit more depth about some of the larger mistakes I often see that might give agents a reason to reject a query.

This is a hard truth: many agents receive hundreds of queries a week, and yours will, someday, be among them. When an agent reads so many queries every day (if they are lucky enough to find the time among all of their other responsibilities), it sometimes becomes easier to find reasons to reject a query, rather than reasons not to.

The number biggest reason a query gets rejected, aside from simply not fitting an agent’s list or tastes? A query that betrays poor to no research. So without further ado, here are some mistakes I regularly see that tell me a querier has jumped the gun.

Mistake: Telling instead of showing.

Yes, this is true in queries as well as fiction. Every so often I’ll see a query that has a very short summary, often even more like a logline, detailing the very broad plot points of the story, followed by many paragraphs explaining character motivation and themes.

For example:

When a girl and a boy are thrust into an emotional situation, they are forced to confront the realities of friendship and go on a search for the meaning of life.

I wanted to write this book because the themes of lost love and identity speak to me, and, as someone who has experienced a terrible breakup, I felt I was the best person to tell this story. Michelle and Tony are best friends but I wanted to drive an emotional wedge between them in the form of a third love interest.

Etc.

This tendency comes from not knowing how to summarize your story. Rather than over-explaining to the point of confusion, the story is under-explained to the point of being too broad. Anyone who still doubts their ability to summarize their novel well should check out last week’s post for guidance. Because an agent should be able to tell quite clearly from the stakes you outline in the summary what your character’s motivations are.

Mistake: Explaining this is the first book you’ve written/that it’s recently completed OR calling this your debut/yourself a debut writer

This is a mistake because it highlights you as possibly inexperienced whether you are or want to be framed that way. It isn’t pertinent information – it changes nothing about your story, how you summarize your story, or anything within your bio. The only thing it does is tell me that there’s a possibility you haven’t done your research.

There is no need to point out if this is your first book or your fiftieth. Let the work speak for itself.

Mistake: Confusing “personalizing your query” for “restating the submission page on the website”

This actually a very easy mistake to make. We often see advice that suggests personalizing a query by telling the agent why you chose him or her. This shows the agent that you didn’t just mass email your query – you took time and put thought into who you contacted.

But what I often see instead of “I noticed quirky, adventurous middle grade on your #MSWL, and felt my manuscript fit the bill”, is: “I went to your website and saw that you are looking for thrillers and upmarket fiction and romance and that you enjoy working with new authors. Therefore I am emailing you.”

Here’s the thing: the agent knows what’s on the website. Don’t waste valuable query space repeating it. That space should be for you and your story. And if you don’t have something more specific to personalize with, that’s okay! If you chose the agent based on what the website says he or she wants, just start with your hook and go from there.

Mistake: Naming more than three characters.

A long, confusing summary often gets that way when too many characters are named in a query. The moment you name a character is the moment you tell a reader that character is important. Perhaps you have more than one main character – maybe you have five, or seven! It doesn’t matter. Pick your most important character, the one whose struggle your book is ultimately about, and focus your query on him or her. After that, only name those who absolutely must be named in relation to the summary. If you can help it, try not to name more than three characters. The person reading your query will (hopefully) be far less confused.

One of the things I struggled with when querying was exactly this problem – knowing who to name and who to leave out. But trust me: it can be done.

Mistake: Using bad comp titles.

This one is actually really hard to get right, in my opinion, and if you aren’t entirely certain, just don’t use them. Do they help? Only if they’re spot on.

Using books that are huge sellers/extremely well-loved is generally a no-no. Why? Because comparing yourself to J.K. Rowling or Suzanne Collins or Stephen King goes back to the haughty or poorly researched issue. It’s much safer to use titles that do/have done well enough and are known, but not so huge that you look arrogant or ignorant of other good books. It’s also generally best to use something more current – more than a couple years old and they begin to lose relevance.

See? Told you it was tough.

Another question I sometimes get: can a querier use TV shows or films as comp titles? The answer is…yes and no. Tread lightly here. I wouldn’t use more than one TV/film comp title, and if you do, it’s often helpful to balance it with a book title. Lots of agents feel differently in this category – some hate when queriers use TV/film titles, and some really like it. If you aren’t sure, do your research. Check out an agent’s twitter, interviews they have done, etc. If there are no answers to be found and you aren’t 110% certain of the titles you’ve chosen? Skip them. This is another area where it’s best to err on the side of caution.

It’s true that there are writers who make mistakes like these and still get agents. All of publishing is subjective – what bothers one agent may not bother another. The format one agent loves, another might hate. But being informed and well-researched shows in a query, no matter who you’re querying. And that is far more valuable than you realize.

Once again, I hope this has been useful. Good luck to everyone in their querying endeavors!

Hey guys! Hannah here. Last month, I posted some tips on little ways to take your query out of the blah zone. JJ and Kelly also posted an awesome podcast on the query process.

When giving query advice, a lot of us take for granted that you’ll know what we mean when we tell you a query must have a short synopsis of your story. We also take for granted that you’ll figure out how to do this in 300 words or fewer. I’d like to talk a bit more about what goes into creating a good, cohesive summary that will entice an agent to read more in just a few paragraphs.

You’ve probably seen a lot of advice that tells you a good query is comprised of a hook followed by a summary of your story, ending with a bio and a few sentences on why you chose the agent you are querying. Structurally, this is sound. But when you have a sprawling epic with many perspectives, or even a quietly complex contemporary, it can be tough to know how best to distill your story into a summary that makes sense.

What I usually see in the slush is this: a summary that goes over many of the big points in the plot but rushes through due to lack of page space and direction. The agent reading might miss key plot points, or have no idea what that made-up word is. Maybe the summary began too deep into the story, and the agent is confused by the list of events. These questions are distracting for a query reader, and can bring them out of a query quick.

So how do you summarize your novel and do it well? We have a tendency to think we must somehow shove the entire plot into this tiny space. But that isn’t actually the case. The best summaries (even the sprawling, epic ones) contain these: your inciting incident, your main conflict, the plan, and the stakes.

Before we get into the summary, let’s talk about the hook. There are two reasons why your hook is so important. Number one: It’s the hook! Okay, that one is obvious. It’s designed to give agents a peak into your character that entices them into reading more. Number two: if done well, it should help you cut huge swaths of fluff from your summary.

A good hook tells us about the character and the conflict in one go. I’m taking this example of a hook from Erin Bowman’s post Querying: The Do’s and Don’ts (thanks, Erin!), to show you what I mean:

Gray Weathersby is counting down the days until his eighteenth birthday with dread, for in the primitive and isolated town of Claysoot, a boy’s eighteenth is marked not by celebration, but by  his disappearance.

We know who the main character is, we know something personal about him when the book opens, and we know what his conflict is going to be. I’m intrigued to keep reading.

Next: What is an inciting incident? This is that moment when the status quo is no more, and the character is forced to take action. This is a step I often see skipped in queries, resulting in a strangely disjointed summary.

Figure out what the inciting moment is for your character, and tell us about it. For example, a precious jewel is stolen from a museum—this is the catalyst for the Private Eye to enter the picture and solve the mystery. Or, your protagonists loses her job and instead of applying elsewhere, chooses to fulfill a dream and travel the world. Tell me about the moment when everything your character thought she knew is turned on its head.

Now that your character has been called to action, tell us what needs to be accomplished. This is where you flesh out your conflict. We don’t need each and every detail; just enough to show us what the protagonist must overcome. The P.I. must now solve the mystery of the stolen diamond—but a nefarious gang will stop at nothing, including murder, to prevent it from happening. And, the more the P.I. digs, the more he unearths about a political conspiracy (give some detail on that conspiracy) attached to the diamond theft. The World Traveler has all of her money stolen in a foreign country. The hostel where she was staying burns down with all of her worldly possessions. Maybe she, too, stumbles into a political conflict she knows nothing about.

So what are your characters going to do about it? They have decisions to make. These decisions are informed by the stakes. For a lowly P.I., getting in the middle of a nefarious gang AND a political conspiracy might not be worth it. So tell me why he gets involved anyway. Is he blackmailed? Does he have a personal tie to a person or plan within the gang or the conspiracy? Tell us why he MUST solve the murder, and what is at stake for him if he doesn’t. For the World Traveler who has lost everything, tell us how she plans to get home, what she must sacrifice to do it, and what happens if she fails. Is her father dying back home? Is her sister getting married? Is her house set for demolition? Why is it important for her to overcome this conflict?

A note on fantasy: it’s very tempting to try and give all the backstory about the world, its magical systems, its government, or its religion. These are things you’ve worked hard on – your story is not the same without these elements. But if character IS story (and it is), then the most important thing is to make us understand your character’s struggle at the most basic level. Leave the made-up words and the complicated hierarchies out of the query.

When you look at the summary in this way, you can see that even sprawling epics can be broken down into short summaries. These components make up the heart of the story, and that’s what an agent wants to see in a query.

I hope this has been useful! If anyone is interested in a Part Three, let me know below!

Show Notes

• The Art of Writing Copy (and further query tips)
• Publishers Marketplace
• Query Tracker
• Agent Query
• Manuscript Wishlist (and the accompanying hashtag #mswl on Twitter)
• Verla Kay Blueboards
• Preditors & Editors
• Chuck Sambuchino’s Guide to Literary Agents

What We’re Working On

Kelly’s sourdough bread!

My first sourdough ever, and made with my own starter! If all goes well tomorrow there will be bread. #feedthebitch

A photo posted by Kelly Van Sant (@bookishchick) on Sep 16, 2015 at 9:24am PDT

Sourdough! I’m not thrilled with the baking method I followed, so I’m excited to make the next boule with a few tweaks. But it’s sour and its bread and I made it! #feedthebitch A photo posted by Kelly Van Sant (@bookishchick) on Sep 17, 2015 at 10:41am PDT

JJ’s Whiskey-Drinking Chair

Who knew reupholstering an armchair would be so messy? Finally got this sucker stripped down.

A photo posted by JJ (@sjaejones) on Jan 17, 2015 at 5:38pm PST

It probably wasn’t my smartest idea to reupholster an armchair without first learning how. #jjsdiy A photo posted by JJ (@sjaejones) on Jan 24, 2015 at 11:12am PST

Okay. After replacing a broken needle and after a few more test stitches, I THINK I’m ready to tackle the real thing (armchair cushion cover.) I think. *gulp*

A photo posted by JJ (@sjaejones) on Sep 12, 2015 at 3:35pm PDT

I’ve sewn a zipper! I’ve sewn it BACKWARD. And now to rip these stitches out… #undomesticgoddess A photo posted by JJ (@sjaejones) on Sep 14, 2015 at 4:43pm PDT

First sewing machine project complete! Cushion of armchair re-covered. I EVEN DID THE ZIPPER. I only had to rip out stitches 5 times… #undomesticgoddess

A photo posted by JJ (@sjaejones) on Sep 14, 2015 at 7:25pm PDT

Finished whiskey drinking chair! #undomesticgoddess A photo posted by JJ (@sjaejones) on Sep 21, 2015 at 3:59pm PDT

What We’re Reading

JJ’s Reads

• Sorcerer to the Crown by Zen Cho
• Red Rising by Pierce Brown (audio)
• Golden Son by Pierce Brown
• Queen of Shadows by Sarah J. Maas (audio)

Kelly’s Reads

• Beauty Queens by Libba Bray
• Serpentine by Cindy Pon

It’s the Libba Bray Fangirl Hour! A Great and Terrible Beauty, Rebel Angels, The Sweet Far Thing, Going Bovine, The Diviners, and The Lair of Dreams discussed in addition to Beauty Queens. (As well as Libba’s grocery lists. JJ is an enormous fan, if you can’t tell.)

Other Recommendations

• Dusted by Story Wonk (a critical analysis of Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
• Tanz der Vampire (German-language musical by Jim Steinman¹)

Totale Finsternis

It’s TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART sung by Vicomte de Chagny and an ingenue named Sarah as a VAMPIRE LOVE DUET. I mean, c’mon.

It’s All Coming Back to Me Now (as performed by Jeremy Jordan)

That’s it for this week! Next week, we’ll be discussing SUBMISSIONS AND ACQUISITIONS. As always, if you have any questions or comments, sound off in the comments, or ask us on Tumblr!

Guys. Queries are hard. This is an undisputed fact of the agent-acquiring process. These days a lot of agents ask for the first 5-30 pages of your manuscript when you query, because it’s so much easier to tell if a story is good by reading, well, the actual story. But the query is the hook—the bait that gets the agent past that first page and into your story.

I read queries on the daily. A lot of them. As a literary assistant, it’s one of my many responsibilities. I need to be able to tell, just from that one page, if your book is something the agent and I will want to read. I need to see just how I would pitch it to an editor. And I need to see that you know your stuff. Have you done your research? Or did you scribble off a quick note and hit SEND ALL?

The queries that stand out are either very good, or very bad. But there are a lot of queries that get stuck in the middle—that strange wasteland of almost-there, but just not quite. Chances are, a lot of you are in that boat. Most of us, even those who have agents, have written blah query letters. And I know PubCrawlers are smart. You have done your research, much of it on this very website. I don’t need to tell you not to send attachments, or not to write your bio in the third person. I don’t need to tell you not to call your manuscript a future bestseller, the most unique piece of fiction ever written, a story that will apply to all of the audiences that ever existed!

So I’m not going to talk about the basics. You guys KNOW the basics. I’m going to talk about those little things that maybe don’t seem problematic at first glance. But fixing these can go a long way toward helping the viability of your query overall

1. Don’t start your letter with all the details about how you came to write this book.

Writing is exciting. How you came to be a writer is exciting. The fact that it’s your first, or second, or millionth novel ever is exciting. But they are most exciting to you—in a query, these things clog up your first paragraph and waste valuable space. Before he or she has ever met you or read your work, an agent doesn’t care how you got started writing. As much as it matters to you (and it does matter!), it’s best to leave it out. It will not change how he or she feels about your story.

2. Be careful creating “atmosphere” before launching into your hook.

It can feel gimmicky. Unless your setting is basically a character itself, it’s best to stay away from this method. For example:

Castle Pelimere is deep and dark, inhabited by angry spirits and on the verge of certain doom. For a hundred years it has stood, and now, thanks to the Everlasting Nothing that has circled its walls for centuries, it is all about to come crashing down.

Jody Brody is a teenage pickpocket with no other skills and no other prospects. When Castle Pelimere needs a hero, Jody steps up to the plate.

I know, I know—this is a very obvious example. But it serves the point—character is story, and when I’m scanning through queries, I’m more interested in Jody Brody the pickpocket than the plight of Castle Pelimere.

3. Don’t relate two unrelated ideas in your hook.

You would be shocked how often I see this. Shocked, I tell you. An example:

Marty Schmarty is not your typical jock—he’s been taking ballet since before he could walk, and he’s better than half the girls in his class. But when he’s offered a football scholarship to his dream school, he learns what it really means to be part of a team.

Again, another extreme example. But writing a good hook is a huge part of the battle when it comes to queries. A good hook can make me perk up and pay attention. In this case, the writer has written something that “sounds hooky” and “adds character”. It makes me pay attention—then has no pay-off. Marty’s a pro at ballet, and this is set up as a key quality—then is not mentioned again.

4. Be confident…to a point.

There is nothing wrong with being proud of the story you wrote. It takes a huge amount of confidence to query a book (we’re all writers here, we can admit this). But it’s not up to you to decide whether your writing is of the same caliber as authors you have emulated or been inspired by, or if it’s beautifully lyrical or powerful and gritty—that is for your readers, and that includes any agents you are querying, to decide.

5. Be wary of the false choice.

Technically, a false choice refers to a situation where two choices are given as the only possible option—even though more choices may be viable. In this case, I’m using to describe it as a situation given in a query, wherein a character has what appear to be two choices—but only one of those choices is actually viable. Still with me?

Okay, so you’ve laid out your hook, given a short synopsis, and now it’s time to present the dramatic question. Your character must do x or y. But when you present a false choice, it becomes clear right away which path your character will and must choose. At first glance, it isn’t always clear you’ve presented a false choice. For example:

Jake must choose between saving the woman he loves from the mob and escaping to the Bahamas, or turning himself in and confessing to his crimes, even if it means her death.

Maybe turning himself in might be the right thing to do, but unless this is a morality play, the choice here is not actually black and white. When questions like this are presented at the end of a query, I can’t help but roll my eyes—I know what Jake is going to do. He’s going to choose the Bahamas. And if he doesn’t, then you need to do a fantastic job of setting up the why within your query. Again, the above is extreme example, but I encourage you to take a look at the stakes in your own query and find out whether what you’ve presented is a real dilemma, or a false choice. I want the questions you present to make me go, “MUST READ AND FIND OUT THE ANSWER!”

So the gist of these suggestions comes out to: Make me want to read your book. Seriously, give me no other option. You wrote a whole book. You know how to put words together on a page—this is just a different kind of writing. One that forces you to think about how to condense what you’ve written, and lay it out in a way that is tight and enticing. I promise you—it is doable. It’s hard, it’s often confusing, and sometimes it can take multiple drafts to get right. But it can be done!

I hope this is useful, and I wish everyone who is currently writing their query, Good Luck!

Hi, guys! Erin here.

Last month I asked what we could do to make PubCrawl a better, stronger, more useful resource for our readers. Over a hundred fifty of you took the time to fill out our survey and give us some feedback. We’re still in the process of sifting through all your comments and implementing changes, but in the meantime, as a thank you for sharing your thoughts, I want to offer up a query giveaway.

One trend that was immediately apparent in our survey was that we still have a lot of aspiring writers reading Pub Crawl, so posts on craft, querying, and breaking into the industry are always welcome. With that in mind, here’s a quick recap on queries.

DO:

• DO personalize your query. (“I saw on on twitter you’re looking for X and thought you might like…”)
• DO keep it around 250-250 words.
• DO be professional and succinct.
• DO include your bio and relevant references, such as major literary awards or writing organization memberships. (It’s okay if you don’t have any. I didn’t! Just sign off with your name, address, phone/email)
• DO mention genre, word count, and (if applicable) comp titles.
• DO polish the query until it shines. Every word should be necessary and purposeful.
• DO proof it carefully (several times!) and read it aloud before sending. You only have one chance at a first impression.

DON’T:

• DON’T tell the agent how great the book is. Let the query speak for itself.
• DON’T open with hypothetical questions, use first person narration, or experiment with other unique approaches.
• DON’T spell out the ending. That’s for a synopsis. The query should be the premise and hook. (Read the flap copy of your favorite books for inspiration.)
• DON’T submit to multiple agents within the same agency at once. (If agent #1 passes, then you can query agent #2 at that agency. Unless they have a “no from one means no from all” policy.)
• DON’T give up. Remember that every published writer has been through rejection—every last one—and it only takes one “yes.”

Basic Query Format

In my opinion, Nathan Bransford still has the best “fill in the blanks” query worksheet. It looks like this:

Dear [Agent name],

I chose to submit to you because of your wonderful taste in [genre], and because you [personalized tidbit about agent].

[protagonist name] is a [description of protagonist] living in [setting]. But when [complicating incident], [protagonist name] must [protagonist’s quest] and [verb] [villain] in order to [protagonist’s goal].

[title] is a [word count] work of [genre]. I am the author of [author’s credits (optional)], and this is my first novel.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Best wishes,
[your name]

For reference, here’s my query for Taken (then titled The Laicos Project), which landed me my agent in 2011. Please note there are a few slight Taken spoilers ahead.

Dear Sara Crowe,

Happy New Year! I read on your Publishers Marketplace profile that you are seeking strong, original new voices, and given your representation of a variety of  YA subgenres, I thought you might enjoy my YA science fiction thriller THE LAICOS PROJECT.

Gray Weathersby is counting down the days until his eighteenth birthday with dread, for in the primitive and isolated town of Claysoot, a boy’s eighteenth is marked not by celebration, but by his disappearance. When his older brother meets this mysterious fate, vanishing in the phenomenon the villagers have come to call the Heist, Gray begins to question everything about the place he’s called home. It all feels wrong: The Wall that no one can cross without dying, the Council leaders and their secrets, the nature of the Heist itself.

Desperate for answers, Gray climbs the Wall. But Emma follows him. Emma, who Gray has admired since the day he first stole a wooden toy from her hands as a child. The two are surprised to find a modern city beyond their Wall, not to mention the Franconian Order—a mysterious group of black-suited soldiers that hold the two hostage and then call for Gray’s execution. Running for his life, Gray takes to the forests. These woods are rumored to hold hostile Rebels amongst their trees, violent civilians banding together in opposition of the Order. But the Rebels also have answers. Answers Gray has long searched for, and answers he may soon wish he never unearthed.

THE LAICOS PROJECT tells the tale of a boy caught in events far greater than himself, as in Philip Reeve’s MORTAL ENGINES, and I believe it will appeal to readers who enjoyed the fast-paced and mysterious elements of James Dashner’s THE MAZE RUNNER. Complete at 83,000 words, THE LAICOS PROJECT is the first in a trilogy, although it also works as a stand-alone.

Thank you, in advance, for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Erin Bowman
[contact info redacted]

This comes in at 325 words total and looking back on it now, I think it could be streamlined a bit farther. Even still, you can see that my query follows the basic intro > premise + hook > summary format.

Please keep in mind that like every aspect of writing, there are always reasons to break rules, but I do think it’s especially risky with queries. The query is a tool. Agents receive hundreds of them a week. Going outside the box is unlikely to make you stand out to an agent in a good way. What will make you stand out is a professional, well-polished query with a fantastic hook and some killer sample pages to back you up.

Getting back to that giveaway I promised you…
As a thank you for helping us out with our survey, I’m giving away three query crits to Pub Crawl readers! Simply fill out the widget below for a chance to win. I’ll draw winners a week from today.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

If there’s one thing I’m asked over and over again, it’s How do you write a good query? Because there is an endless array of blogs and workshops (and even some posts here at PubCrawl) dedicated to just this very topic, I am sometimes baffled by how often I receive this question.

But at other times, I understand. Querying is the first step in the traditional publishing process, the first step in getting your work in front of professionals. It’s also one of the few steps in the entire process over which you have (a modicum of) control. So naturally writers stress about this, wanting to get it right, wanting to get it perfect, unsure of whose advice they should take, etc.

All right, if you want me to add my voice to the chorus of people dispensing query tips, I can certainly oblige. But be forewarned: my advice will be a combination of practical tips and a tiny bit of emotional counseling by way of tough love.

1. You don’t have to write a “perfect” query letter.

Repeat after me: There is no such thing as a perfect query letter. Repeat it until you believe it, or at least until you trick yourself into believing it’s true. Because it is. When I first started in publishing, I interned at Writers House, where one of my duties included going through the slush everyday. I learned very quickly during my time as slushmonkey that it didn’t matter if a query was too long, too short, too anything: what mattered was whether or not the writer got to the heart of their story as quickly and engagingly as possible. All else was moot.

2. No amount of “getting it right” will salvage an uninteresting premise or an oversaturated market.

One of the myths I had to unlearn once I graduated from school was that following the “rules” would earn me my just rewards. I was a straight-A student my entire life, not because I was smart, but because I knew how to follow rules. Querying is not like this. Business is not like this. You do not earn points for showing your work. If you got a wrong answer on an algebra problem, it didn’t matter if you showed every step of your calculation if the underlying formula was wrong.

This is probably the hardest truth to accept and come to terms with for most writers. That maybe the book they’ve worked on for so long is simply not a viable manuscript from a business standpoint. Writing is an art, publishing is a business, and sometimes your book just doesn’t encompass both.

3. Treat your query letter like a resume cover letter.

Continuing in the “publishing is a business” vein, if a completed manuscript is your resume, then your query is what gets the attention of HR department. Don’t be clever, don’t be smart, don’t be “quirky” or “wacky” or “out-of-the-box.” In my first post-college job, I was explicitly told personality might have mattered in school, but not here. (Ouch.) In the same way hiring managers don’t care about antics, only qualifications, an agent only cares about a good story, not querying trickery.

4. Keep it short and sweet.

Ideally, your query should be about 250 to 400 words, not including your bio and any introductory statements. Why? Because 250 to 400 words is just long enough to expand upon a pitch without going into details. 250 to 400 words is also the average length of the copy you find on the backs of books in stores. I’ve written more about copy here, including a handy “formula” you can follow when assembling your query. The point is to entice, not explain. If you have to explain why your book is interesting or different, then maybe have a long, hard think about why you feel compelled to do so. The query should stand alone.

5. Target your book to the correct audience.

I don’t necessarily mean that you should target the agents who would be interested in your work (although that’s certainly something you should do). What I mean by the “correct audience” is a bit complicated: it’s a combination of agent taste, market, and reader sensibility. Basically, you must know which section of the bookstore your book would be in, or in our digital day and age, what “tags” your book will have. Specificity is good. Comparative titles are good, and the more specific the better. Do not target your book to the audience of Harry Potter, Twilight, or The Hunger Games because that’s too general to be of any use.

And lastly, just to show you that query letters don’t have to be perfect, I present to you a query letter for my forthcoming novel (the title is still a work-in-progress). Including the salutation and bio, it is under 350 words.

Dear [Agent]:

Beware the goblin men and the wares they sell.

All her life, nineteen-year-old Liesl has heard tales of the beautiful, mysterious Goblin King. He is the Lord of Mischief, the Ruler Underground, and the muse around which her music is composed. Yet, as Liesl helps shoulder the burden of running her family’s inn, her dreams of composition and childish fancies about the Goblin King must be set aside in favor of more practical concerns.

But if Liesl has forgotten the Underground, the Underground has not forgotten her. When her sister Käthe is taken by the goblins, Liesl journeys to their realm to rescue her and return her to the world above. The Goblin King agrees to let Käthe go—for a price. The life of a maiden must be given to the land, in accordance with the old laws. A life for a life, he says. Without sacrifice, nothing good can grow. Without death, there can be no rebirth. In exchange for her sister’s freedom, Liesl offers her hand in marriage to the Goblin King. He accepts.

Down in the Underground, Liesl discovers that the Goblin King still inspires her—musically, physically, emotionally. Yet even as her talent blossoms, Liesl’s life is slowly fading away, the price she paid for becoming the Goblin King’s bride. As the two of them grow closer, they must learn just what it is they are each willing to sacrifice: her life, her music, or the end of the world.

Inspired by the movies Labyrinth and Amadeus, The Goblin King is a gothic romance in the vein of Robin McKinley’s Beauty, Martine Leavitt’s Keturah and Lord Death, and Juliet Marillier’s Heart’s Blood.

Before moving down to North Carolina, I worked as an editor at St. Martin’s Press, where I worked with Dan Weiss on developing New Adult, as well as reading and acquiring YA. I am also a member of Pub(lishing) Crawl, where I blog about the writing and editing process.

There you have it. As you can see, it ain’t perfect, original, or even that great. But what it did is get the job done, and really, that’s all you can ask of a query letter.

What about you? Any tips or suggestions for writing good queries? What are your favourite resources for query-writing help?

This cute little piggy was sent in by Sylvia Liu. Sylvia was selected the 2013 New Voices Award winner by Lee and Low Books and my debut picture book, A MORNING WITH GONG GONG, is scheduled to be published in Fall 2015. She is part of the 2013 Nevada SCBWI Mentor Program and being mentored in illustration by Caldecott-winner David Diaz.

TIPS:

1. Always address your query to a specific person.

2. Make sure you mention the title of your book in third  paragraph.

3. Mention the word count and genre of your book in third paragraph.    

Note: Novels should be 80,000 to 100,000 words. Young adult novels can be significantly less: 40,000-60,000 words. Insert word count and genre at the end of your first “hook” paragraph.

If your novel is 200,000 words – Cut before you query.  No one wants an overweight manuscript. AgentQuery reports unless your manuscript is a historical family saga or an epic science fiction battle, agents hit DELETE on proposed first-time novel over 110,000-120,000 words.

4. Share the reason why you are querying this particular agent. Let the agent know that you have researched them and have a reason for choosing them for representation.

5.  Have someone you know check for typos and grammar mistakes. It is very easy when e-mailing a query letter to click the send button before throughly checking your text.  Writers seem to be in the mode to triple check everything when they snail mail their queries, but since we send so many personal e-mails without closely checking every word, that “Send” button can be easily clicked.  The mistake snail mailing query writers make is forgetting to include their contact information – something you don’t need to include with an e-mail. I know that sounds crazy, but I have seen it when writers have sent me submissions for editors and agents.

Need to see an ACTUAL query letter before you’ll know how to write one? Here is the query letter Author (at the time agent) Nathan Bransford:

Dear Ms. Drayton,

As a young literary agent with Curtis Brown Ltd. I have long admired Inkwell, as well as your strong track record. To paraphrase Douglas Adams, if you searched for a book that was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike THE BOOK THIEF (which I absolutely loved), you might just have JACOB WONDERBAR AND THE COSMIC SPACE KAPOW, a middle-grade-and-up science fiction novel that I just completed. Still fun! But no one dies – Mr. Death would be lonely.

Jacob Wonderbar has been the bane of every substitute teacher at Magellan Middle School ever since his dad moved away from home. He never would have survived without his best friend Dexter, even if he is a little timid, and his cute-but-tough friend Sarah Daisy, who is chronically overscheduled. But when the trio meets a mysterious man in silver one night they trade a corn dog for his sassy spaceship and blast off into the great unknown. That is, until they break the universe in a giant space kapow and a nefarious space buccaneer named Mick Cracken maroons Jacob and Dexter on a tiny planet that smells like burp breath. The friends have to work together to make it back to their little street where the houses look the same, even as Earth seems farther and farther away.

JACOB WONDERBAR AND THE COSMIC SPACE KAPOW is 50,000 words and stands alone, but I have ideas for a series, including titles such as JACOB WONDERBAR FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNIVERSE and JACOB WONDERBAR AND THE VACATIONING ALIENS FROM ANOTHER PLANET. I’m the author of an eponymous agenting and writing blog.

I’d be thrilled if you would consider WONDERBAR for representation, and a few other agents are considering simultaneously. Thanks very much, and hope to talk to you soon.

Nathan Bransford

Here are a few other places to look:

Nathan Bransford dissects a really good query letter and extoll its virtues.

Click Here to Visit Galleycat. They have 23 Agent Query Letters That Actually Worked.

Nonfiction writers don’t need to have a completed manuscript.  They only need a proposal before seeking representation from an agent. Here’s are books and places to help with writing a proposal:

• “How to Write a Non-Fiction Proposal” Former literary agent, Nathan Bransford.
• Agent Sharlene Martin’s book, Publish Your Nonfiction Book: Strategies for Learning the Industry, Selling Your Book, and Building a Successful Career By Sharlene Martin and Anthony Flacco
• How to Write a Book Proposal, 4th Edition By Michael Larsen

Talk tomorrow,

Kathy

As of last night, I have finally finished all of the query critiques! I may or may not have had a glass of wine to celebrate (okay, I totally did). If you sent me a query during the open submission time and haven't received a critique, please let me know. I read some wonderful queries and had a blast. Since people told me they found it so helpful, I think I'll add in some on-going query critique opportunities. Last week, I discussed a few query tips and after finishing the critiques, I thought of a few more to add. Again, these examples are my own, so no actual query excerpts are contained here.

1) Keep it simple. You want to include the hook and main characters (generally 2 or 3 characters) in your query. Of course your book will have subplots and numerous side characters, but adding these elements into a query can make it confusing and overwhelming. The same goes for fantasy lingo if it's an alternate world with made-up vocabulary. Keep it to a few, relevant terms and save the rest of it for the book. Your goal is to give just enough info to make the agent want more.


2) Get someone who hasn't read your book to read your query. Don't get me wrong, I think your beta readers/critique partners can give great feedback on your query (my crit partners gave fabulous advice), but it's also helpful to have a fresh pair of eyes look at it. Someone who has read your book might miss something in your query because they already "know the entire story." Someone who does a cold query read without having read your book can easily detect if something is confusing or needs more emphasis.

3) Don't lose your voice. Several people told me that multiple people had critiqued their query and they'd taken it apart so many times that they weren't sure if the query even made sense anymore. One of the drawbacks of multiple beta readers is that everyone has their own suggestions and opinions. It's wonderful to have helpful writer friends, but make sure to keep your own stamp on the query. You want the voice of your novel to shine through, not a mish-mash of other voices. Just like with your manuscript, if more than one person gives you the same feedback, then you should pay attention to it. If not, see what resonates with you and let the rest of it go. One "voice" tip that I've heard is helpful is to write your query in first person, then change it to third person, present.


That's it for now. To those who sent their queries, best of luck with querying and don't give up!

As of last night, I have finally finished all of the query critiques! I may or may not have had a glass of wine to celebrate (okay, I totally did). If you sent me a query during the open submission time and haven't received a critique, please let me know. I read some wonderful queries and had a blast. Since people told me they found it so helpful, I think I'll add in some on-going query critique opportunities. Last week, I discussed a few query tips and after finishing the critiques, I thought of a few more to add. Again, these examples are my own, so no actual query excerpts are contained here.

1) Keep it simple. You want to include the hook and main characters (generally 2 or 3 characters) in your query. Of course your book will have subplots and numerous side characters, but adding these elements into a query can make it confusing and overwhelming. The same goes for fantasy lingo if it's an alternate world with made-up vocabulary. Keep it to a few, relevant terms and save the rest of it for the book. Your goal is to give just enough info to make the agent want more.

2) Get someone who hasn't read your book to read your query. Don't get me wrong, I think your beta readers/critique partners can give great feedback on your query (my crit partners gave fabulous advice), but it's also helpful to have a fresh pair of eyes look at it. Someone who has read your book might miss something in your query because they already "know the entire story." Someone who does a cold query read without having read your book can easily detect if something is confusing or needs more emphasis.

3) Don't lose your voice. Several people told me that multiple people had critiqued their query and they'd taken it apart so many times that they weren't sure if the query even made sense anymore. One of the drawbacks of multiple beta readers is that everyone has their own suggestions and opinions. It's wonderful to have helpful writer friends, but make sure to keep your own stamp on the query. You want the voice of your novel to shine through, not a mish-mash of other voices. Just like with your manuscript, if more than one person gives you the same feedback, then you should pay attention to it. If not, see what resonates with you and let the rest of it go. One "voice" tip that I've heard is helpful is to write your query in first person, then change it to third person, present.

That's it for now. To those who sent their queries, best of luck with querying and don't give up!