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This flashback is in honor of the recently discovered Beezlebufo or Devil Toad, a prehistoric frog the size of a bowling ball which (according to Scientific American) may have eaten baby dinosaurs.

Note: Word on Capitol Hill is that Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA) will be calling in the Beelzebufo to testify on possible use of human growth hormone... which is only slightly more ridiculous than Congress wasting taxpayer time and money on Roger Clemens and cheating in the NFL.




27 June 2007

Author/Illustrator: Steve Breen

This is the first picture book for Breen, the Pulitzer Prize winning cartoonist. With the story of Stick, a headstrong young frog who likes to do things on his own, Breen displays an impressive sense of humor and comic timing. One day, when Stick shoots his tongue out to catch a dragonfly, he gets carried away (literally) and embarks on a wild airborne adventure. Through a series of surprising developments, Stick excitedly explores the wild world... but will he ever make it back home?

Stick is merely the latest in a long and celebrated line of frog explorers. Indeed, nature's first true explorers were the frog's distant ancesters, those intrepid souls who first ventured out of the primordial ooze: the early amphibians. Frogs are direct descendants of those brave few who left the comforts of their homes to explore the unknown lands above the surface of the water. It's almost as if wanderlust is genetically encoded in frog DNA.

Young Stick also owes much to the most persistent explorer in frog history... an adventurer whose exploits are so well-known that he is known simply as: Frogger. Before Frogger, the frog population had to be content with life around the dank world of the pond. But Frogger yearned for more, he want to stretch the boundaries of his world and boldly go where no frog had gone before.

While people still wonder why the chicken crossed the road, no one questions the Frogger's motives. Frogger did not set out to conquer the world, he set out to conquer himself. Despite frequent setbacks and increasingly dangerous traffic, he refused to quit until he crossed every street that he came across. His indomitable spirit would not be denied... he would either succeed or get flattened in the process.



Left: An 18th Century Tapestry depicting The Wondrous Adventures of Frogger: Explorer Extraordinaire.





Other notable amphibious explorers:


Mr. Toad: Not content with life at Toad Hall, our hero follows Dante's lead and explores the depths of Hell. This harrowing journey is well documented in his memoirs: Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.



Kermit: Perhaps the most famous frog in history, Kermit was the ultimate explorer, blazing trails and opening doors at a prolific clip. He first burst onto the scene as the first frog in space ("One small hop for frogs, one giant leap for frogkind.").

Returning to a hero's welcome, Kermit leveraged his newfound fame into a legendary career in film and television. After conquering the entertainment world and winning every award possible, Kermit begins to feel that familiar itch to touch the void of the unknown... it was not in his nature to be content. So he set out to explore what he believed to be the frog's final frontier: Politics.

Stealing a page from the GOP playbook (which turned the celebrity of Reagan, Schwarzenegger, and possibly Fred Thompson into political gold), the Green Party convinces Kermit to make a run for the presidency. Kermit immediately accepts the challenge. In the first in a series of shrewd moves, Kermit selects his longtime advisor Fozzy Bear to be his running mate (Fozzy's down-to-earth charm and folksy humor polls extremely well down South).

Despite a spirited campaign, Kermit's bid for the highest office in the land eventually falls short (though, being a third party candidate in America, they never really stood much of a chance anyways). While he may have lost the election, Kermit once again wins our hearts when he ends his concession speech with a tearful rendition of "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Who knows, perhaps young Stick will go down in history as the next great frog explorer. But if so, it should be noted that he did not do it alone... he was standing on the shoulders of giants.

Author: Neil Numberman
Illustrator: Paulette Bogan

This is a silly story about chickens who are bored of eating the normal barnyard fare and look to spice things up a little bit. Coincidentally, this is also the name of the survival manual for graduating fraternity brothers titled Chicks and Salsa: How to Score with the Ladies in the Big City.

As you'll see in the following excerpt, there are some surprising similarities between the two books.

(Disclaimer: the views expressed in the excerpt below do not necessarily reflect those of the Bottom Shelf.)

RULE #1: LEARN TO SALSA


by Brother Shoehorn (Sigma Alpha Pi) and Brother Moosedroppings (Omega Delta Delta)






Trust us bro. We know you're gonna to feel silly swinging your hips around the dance floor. We know you'd rather be bangin' your backwards baseball cap to some Dave Matthews or the Beastie Boys (who f****in rule!). But trust us dude, it will be well worth your time.

Once you find yourself in the city and away from the comfort of your boys on frat row, you will inevitably find yourself in a club with latin music of some sort. There you will see all kind of bizarre things. You'll see the oldest man there dancing with the blazinest chick in the club. Or worse, some four-eyed doofus pulling a Kucinich* and sashaying across the floor with some hottie. You will ask yourself, "What the?! What is going on here? Have I entered some kind of twilight zone where generic good looks, trust funds, and chugging ability mean nothing anymore?!"



*Pulling a Kucinich: Being with someone who is obviously waaaaaaaaay out of your league.







Don't panic. No need to get your Dockers in a bunch. What's happening is what we like to call the Chicks and Salsa Phenomenon. (Inside Tip: Now that you're in the real world, don't call them chicks. You have to call them "ladies" if you want to get anywhere)... anyways, the problem is that these ladies are in the city and they want to spice up their lives a little bit. Which means that they'll dance with any goof who knows how to salsa. They're tired of the tried and true bars where we are most comfortable. Those home-away-from-homes where we can do boat races or clear off a table for an impromptu game of beer pong. Those bars where we can comfortably stand in one place rhythmically nodding our heads to some righteous tunes.

So, if you know what's good for you... wait, hold on a sec, what are you doing still reading? Reading is for losers! Take our word for it and go sign up for a salsa class now! It will make you a man amongst bros. You can be that dude that's dancing with a chick--i mean, lady--who is out of your league. And don't worry, the salsa only needs to be used for the first month of dating or so, then you can go back to being your awesome fratastic self. Now close this book and get back out there! With any luck, even you can pull a Kucinich of your own!

The Construction of Meaning and the Self De(con)struction of Identity: A Hippo-Critical Analysis of Jeff Newman's Hippo! No, Rhino!
Rosco P. Hargrove (Class of 2010)
English 421: Re-Introduction to Literary Criticism
Professor F. R. Zismer
Final Paper
Submitted on: December 22, 2007

Plot Summary

A mischievous zookeeper decides to have some fun and puts a sign that reads "Hippo" in front of the Rhino pen. This seemingly harmless bit of mischief wreaks havoc on the rhino's psyche as passersby continually refer to the rhino as "hippo". The rhino desperately tries to correct them, but to no avail. It isn't until a little boy comes along that things change. The child sees what's going on and changes the sign back to rhino. The book ends with the zookeeper continuing his mischievous ways by putting up a new sign that reads, "Porcupin-o".

Part I: Hippo! No, Rhino! Structuralism! No, Poststructuralism!

Newman's sparse use of language is deceptive. While he uses few words in his narrative, he manages to reveal deeper linguistic issues by drawing together some of the fundamental issues and conflicts in literary criticism.

As a starting point, the basic conflict in Hippo! No, Rhino! is clearly a re-creation of the tension between the structuralist and post-structuralist schools of thought. Newman's Hippo! No, Rhino! situation is an intriguing thought exercise which forces us to reconsider a fundamental question: Where does meaning come from?

Is it from the zookeeper (filling the archetypal role of trickster-god) who creates meaning by labeling the rhino as "hippo"? Or is his semantic subversion just a silly prank?

Is it the people reading the sign who give birth to meaning by creating the link between the sign ("hippo") to the signified (the rhino)? Or are they merely dimwitted automatons who will believe anything they read?

Is there even any meaning to begin with? Who are we (or the rhino) to say that "rhino" is the correct label? Isn't the polyphonic spree of letters and sounds that make up r-h-i-n-o ultimately as arbitrary as h-i-p-p-o?

Part II: Pedagogy of the Zoopressed

If we continue to peel away layers of this onion, we eventually find ourselves alone with the tear-jerkingly tragic figure of the "rhino".

(Note: Though it is awkward, I will refer to the rhino using the pronoun "it" because Newman's text does not indicate whether the rhino is male or female.)

(Full disclosure: Upon first reading, I subconsciously assumed that the rhino was a male, which tipped my hand as an unwitting co-conspirator in the phallocentricity embedded in our male-dominated society. I would like to assure you, professor, that based on last semester's readings on feminist theory and gynocritic analysis, I am sufficiently ashamed.)

Why is the rhino a tragic figure? Not only because it is helplessly tormented by the powerful zookeeper... that is but a minor offense. The true tragedy reveals itself with further examination of the sociolinguistic context of the rhino's self-identification.

The word "rhino," being of English (Anglo-Saxon) origin is obviously not the rhino's native tongue. Yet the rhino has come to identify itself as a "rhino," as evidenced by the psychological distress caused by the hippo sign. This self-identification through the language of his oppressor (and yes, he is oppressed... he is, after all, held captive and put on display) is one of major symptoms of oppression that is revealed by postcolonial theory.

The fact that the rhino clings so passionately and desperately to the name bestowed upon him by his captors, demonstrates the powerful role that language plays in perpetuating the inequalities of established social hierarchy. Not only does he accept his given name, he challenges anyone who dare disrupt the sanctity of his moniker. How can the rhino truly free itself from oppression if it lives, breathes, and thinks in the language of its oppressor?

This also sheds new light on the character of the child. As I mentioned in the plot summary, toward the end of the book a young child comes to the rescue, changing the hippo sign back to rhino.

Upon first reading, the child appears as a saviour figure who sympathetically changes the sign to ease the "rhino's" mind. The child's innocence allows him to see beyond the ridiculous sign and recognize the psychological harm being done to the rhino. And yet...

...and yet, perhaps it is not that simple. By reverting the sign (the linguistic tool of oppression), isn't the child merely reinforcing the domination of the status quo and strengthening the establishment's vice-like grip on society? The child may have acted to ease the rhino's mind but (despite the child's benelovent intentions), in actuality he played an active role in relegating the beast to an eternity of tranquil captivity. He did not rescue the rhino, he merely made his cage stronger.

Part III: Freedom Isn't Free or All Signs Point to "No"

Newman's stimulating text leaves the reader (at least this reader) with a final burning question... Who holds the key to the rhino's freedom?

The optimist's answer would be that the key to freedom lies with the rhino itself. Unfortunately, to quote Karl Marx, "Religion is the opium of the masses and optimism is the ecstasy tablet of the self-delusional." So no, the rhino does not hold the key to his own freedom.

The real answer is much simpler and much more sobering. The key to freedom lies with: the zookeeper. (Seriously, it's on the big key ring that's clipped to his belt buckle.)

This does not bode well for the rhino. At the end of the book, the zookeeper puts up a new sign next to the rhino that reads, "Porcupin-o". In doing so, this sadistic trickster god is assuring us that the rhino's nightmare is not over... and that no amount of lit crit is going to save him from an eternity in this semiotic purgatory. The helpless rhino (like the rest of us) is forever caught in that desolate place between meaning and just plain mean.

Author/Illustrator: Eric Carle

A young boy loses his cat and travels the wide world to find it. Poor kid. If any of you have lost a pet, you know the kind of pain this little boy is going through... no fun at all.

Luckily, scientists in South Korea have been hard at work on this problem and last week, they finally made a breakthrough with... GLOW IN THE DARK KITTIES!!!



On Tuesday, a team of scientists from Gyeongsang National University announced that they successfully cloned cats that glow in the dark when passed under ultraviolet light. They caution that this does not completely solve the problem of missing pets, but the advance is significant and monumental.... significantly creepy and monumentally disturbing.

So, have I seen your cat?

Yes I have... and it is scaring the crap out of me.

Punkfarmspace: How Social Networking is Transforming Fandom
by Cluck Roosterman

On Monday I wrote about how Punk Farm is quietly undermining the oppressive foundation of the corporate music industry. And while it is true that the creative force of the band is the engine that drives this movement, the deeper reality is that without their fans, Punk Farm would be stuck in neutral. Any great movement, needs a critical mass of support in order to gain the necessary momentum towards lasting social change.

So, does Punk Farm must have a critical mass of fans?

You have no idea.

As I followed the band on the road, I was struck by the hysteria that greeted us at each site. As a rock historian, I haven't seen a group of fans identify this closely with a band since the Phishheads of the early 90s... and before that, the Deadheads who followed the Grateful Dead all over the world. I couldn't wrap my chicken little head around this... how did a small underground farm band gain such a loyal and downright obsessive fanbase? How did the Punk Farm Nation come into being, let alone reach such a feverish pitch?

The answer was simple: Social Networking.

We are in the Age of MySpace and Facebook, an age where an army of similarly-minded people are but a few clicks away. Whereas before it could take years for an upstart band to gain any sort of traction, today you are just a cool website or a hipster doofus music video away from superstardom. People can debate the positives and the negatives of this evolution of human interaction, but there is no debating this: Social Networking is a force to be reckoned with.

The Punk Farm Nation started out with a few loyal fans but spread like wildfire with the launching of Punkfarmspace, a an on-line community where fans could convene to discuss their favorite thing: the music of Punk Farm.

This has had a revolutionary effect on the very nature of fandom. No longer are fans just anonymous faces in a crowd of adoring and screaming Beatlemaniacs. Through the power of these social networks, fans are no longer just observers, they shape the destiny of their favorite band by engaging in what is being dubbed "participatory fanhood."

But that's enough from me. I could go on for days, but rather than listen to me describe the Punk Farm Nation, I decided to do what any intrepid reporter would do and go straight to the source. So while Punk Farm was on stage, I waded through the crowds and interviewed some of the citizens of growing Punk Farm Nation. Here's a sample of what I found.

Fan 1: Isaiah (Colorado)

CR: As a Punk Farm uber-fan, do you ever worry that your adoration will undermine the punk rock spirit of the band? Is popularity at odds with punk rock?



Isaiah: N'aaaah. I wouldn't say. It's more of a movement than anything. As long as the dudes and dudettes of PF don't let all that love go to their heads, they'll be fine. They've been rocking the underground scene for so long now, if a little success goes their way, that's cool. As long as they keep true to their spirit and they continue to share that spirit with others, it's all good.


Fan 2: Shep (Wisconsin)

CR: Describe the experience of hearing Punk Farm for the first time. What is it about Punk Farm that appeals to you?






Shep: Oh man, oh man - I was there! I was there at one of their very first shows in Wisconsin. It blew my mind, shattered my sense of reality. I've seen every Punk Farm show since. And what appeals to me... What doesn't? The drumming, the bass....all the chicken feed you can eat!


Fan 3: Jesi (Texas)

CR: Has listening to Punk Farm had any effect on your relationship with your farmer?





Jesi: OMG - I like totally snuck out of the barn with my BFF to see the show when they were in town. The farmer caught us when we were trying to sneak back in and he made us do all this extra work. So yeah, it put a strain on us and now he has trust issues, but like - it's Punk Farm. I saw them live! I touched Pig, I took a picture with him! That's stuff I'll be telling my grandkids!

(Note: In this author's opinion, Jesi is definitely the frontrunner to win Pig's portrait in the Punk Farm Raffle. She's got #1 Pig Fan written all over her... literally. Seriously, I think she took a magic marker and wrote "#1 Pig Fan" all over her arms and hooves.)


Fan 4: Jerome (Maine)

CR: Is Punk Farm better recorded or live?





Jerome: Oh man, it's no comparison. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love PF's tracks and the sound that they are able to achieve in the studio, it's like putting a genie in a bottle, but you just can't fully replicate the experience in a recording. Seeing PF live is so wicked cool and I highly suggest it to any animal who may be reading this right now. You get to get your groove on with like minded individuals and just soak in the rock!


Fan 5: Tammy (Florida)

CR: If you could choose another band/artist for Punk Farm to collaborate with, which band/artist would that be?




Tammy: I listen to a lot of obscure bands, some stuff from overseas, so I'd love to see PF take a route less taken. What about Puffy Amiyumi? That would becool. Though they wouldn't understand each other. Or maybe the Groovie Ghoulies? I don't know. I just think it would be cool to see a collaboration no one would expect!

...and that's just the tip of the iceberg. Go to Punkfarmspace and you'll see that the Punk Farm Nation extends far beyond the fences of any barnyard, beyond any artificial boundaries... in fact, if I've learned anything on this long strange trip, it's this: Once the rock gets rolling, it cannot be stopped.

-CR

Cluck Roosterman is a renowned rock critic and best-selling author os Sex, Drugs, & Chicken Feed and Last One is a Rotten Egg: The Merciful Death of Glamrock. His newest book, Dark Meat Only: The Resurgence of Goth Culture will be released in the Spring.

Is Punk Farm the World's Most Dangerous Band?
by Cluck Roosterman



Cluck Roosterman here, reporting from the road with Punk Farm. I'm crammed into the back of the Rock Van, pecking away at my laptop. It's been a long strange trip. We started in Maine, zipped down I-91 to Miami, journeyed west to Texas and then finished the tour in Colorado. It's been a whirlwind to say the least. I don't want to go into detail, so I'll just say one thing about Sheep's driving: I'm glad I brought a large supply of Dramamine.

But I'm not here to tell you about life on the road. That was well chronicled in Punk Farm on Tour. My job as a reporter is to dig deeper and offer the broader cultural analysis that you don't hear at the water cooler or slop trough. So what don't you know about Punk Farm? How about this:

Punk Farm is the most dangerous band in the world.

This is not just overzealous reporter's hyperbole. It is a fact. Punk Farm strikes fear in the hearts of record executives everywhere. If you listen closely, you can hear them shaking in their designer Italian boots. Here's why.

A few months ago, the powerhouse band Radiohead made headlines by releasing their album, In Rainbows directly through their website, effectively cutting out all middle men (and/or middle women). They offered it essentially for free, allowing their fans to decide how much they wanted to pay (if at all). The gamble paid off and the band made a tidy profit off this revolutionary brand of optional capitalism. The press hailed it as a breakthrough in the struggle between artists and the exploitative music industry. The times, they are a'changin'.

However, Radiohead was not the first band to strike a blow against the corporate fat cats. Punk Farm had been releasing their music for free on their website for over a year now. Well before Radiohead shocked the mainstream media, Punk Farm rattled the nerves of record executives across the nation. It was such a shock to the music industry that legendary record mogul David Geffen released a cryptic memo in 2006 which simply read "Punk Farm must be stopped."

Last week I called up my good friend Naomi Klein, author of the anti-corporate No Logo and the anti-evil The Disaster Doctrine. She told me that she considered Punk Farm to be "the first truly anti-corporate band in the world. Most bands claim to be revolutionary, but they are really just amped-up collections of false bravado and simplistically inflammatory lyrics. Every band at heart is slave to their sales numbers. By releasing their music for free, Punk Farm broke free from those shackles and haven't looked back. Without the burden of financial compensation, they are free to create art in its purest form. Because they are not beholden to 'the man' is why they are the only band that can truly 'stick it to the man'. 'The Man' in this case being the corporate music industry... and Farmer Joe."

I was intrigued by this, so on our way from Colorado back to the farm (a trip made in record time... again, a big shout out to the makers of Dramamine), I took a minute to ask the band about their status as the most dangerous band in the world.



CR: Whose idea was it to release your music for free?

SHEEP: It was pretty much a mutual decision. I mean, we didn't really have any contacts at any record labels and we were picking up a decent Wi-Fi signal from one of our neighbors....so we just went with it.

COW: We wanted to get our music out there, you know? What is music worth if it doesn't have ears to listen to it?

CR: Did Radiohead contact you for advice before they released their album? Do you think Radiohead's new strategy has the potential to revolutionize the music industry?

GOAT: Thom Yorke and I are tight. We email. He wrote one day and was all, "Hey Goat, are you cool with us doing this?" And I was all like, "Whatever dude, whatever floats your boat." So Radiohead put their stuff out for free and got massive publicity for it.

CHICKEN: It might revolutionize the industry, but who knows? It sure is a nice thought, though.



CR: Aren't you the least bit tempted to go corporate and cash in on your popularity? Just imagine what you could do with those millions of dollars...

PIG: There are millions of dollars in CD sales? Seriously? Man, maybe we should see about...

SHEEP: Pig, come on man. Don't be so naive. There are millions of dollars to be made, but for the corporate big wigs. Not us little livestock.

CR: Since the animals are the ones that do all the real work, does Farmer Joe share any of his agricultural profits with you?

PIG: No, all we get is some stacks of hay and feed. Not even good feed, how about something with some spice to it? A little kick, a little something!

CR: I hear that you are raffling off original artwork this week. What will the money be used for?

SHEEP: Yes, this is true. We sat for portraits by artist Jarrett Krosoczka. The money raised is going to go to two places. Most of the money will go to this non-profit group called the Central Massachusetts Arts Assembly. This is a group that is important to our man Scott Cambot, and he produced our latest tracks. Another part of the money will go to paying for the costs of recording the music and to the people who make our songs possible. People like Scott, Thom, and Erik who tune our instruments and stuff.

CR: Whose painting do you think will raise the most money? Doesn't this have the potential to create tension between you all? Is there any behind the scenes betting going on between the band to see who can drum up the most interest?




PIG: Mine!












SHEEP: Oh, here we go!











COW: I don't know, I wouldn't underestimate the popularity of Goat.











GOAT: Oh shucks, I'm totally blushing, dude.










CHICKEN: People like chickens, don't they? I hope someone tries to win mine. Oh.....what if they don't? Oh....







PIG: I don't think it will cause any tension between us. Just as long as people understand that I will get the most tickets sold....

COW: Well, I don't plan on advocating, but if people would like to help boost my self-esteem...so be it!

CHICKEN: I'm not going to get any sleep all week....


To buy tickets for a chance to win one of these original band portraits (the ones pictured above), go to the Punk Farm Raffle website. And remember, rock memorabilia is a great investment. Clapton sold one of his guitars for $959,500 and he wasn't half the guitarist that Pig is. With the dollar being as weak as it is, this may be the last worthwhile investment opportunity of the decade.

As for who will raise the most money... based on my time with the band, the safe bet is for Pig to rake in the most cash, but I'm inclined to agree with Cow. My money is on Goat as the silent-but-deadly dark horse candidate.

Okay, that's it for now. If I don't stop typing now, I'm going to get sick all over the backseat of the Rock Van. For the rest of the Punk Farm Interview series, check out the BSB archives. And be sure to check back in on Wednesday for Part 2 in which I explore the social networking phenomenon known as punkfarmspace.

Until then: Rock on, Rock off, I don't care. As long as there is Rock involved.

-CR

Wednesday morning, the world was shocked to hear that Mickey Mouse, Tweety Bird, Donald and Daisy Duck were summoned to a court in Italy to testify in regards to their involvement in an international counterfeiting scheme (for the full story, go here). The much beloved quartet had been operating with Italian aliases (Topolino, Titty, Paperino, and Paperina) and had been under surveillance by Italian Intelligence for months now.

In a statement released on Wednesday morning, the lawyer representing the Italian government said, "The epic failure of Euro-Disney was a devastating financial blow for all of us, but that is no excuse for resorting to a life of crime. No one has been found guilty yet, but the evidence is overwhelming. Rest assured, we will get to the bottom of this."

Even Italian president Giorgio Napolitano, weighed in on the controversy, saying that "This should makes us all wonder just how much of the 'Magic' Kingdom is actually magic, and how much is counterfeit. In 1982, our fellow European Jean Baudrillard wrote an essay called Disneyworld Company, in which he pointed out that Disney was 'the grand initiator of the imaginary as virtual reality.' Today, this seems quite prescient. At the time, I dismissed this as typical French philosophical foolishness. If I had known that all Baudrillard's talk about hyper-reality and simulacra was really about counterfeiting schemes and international crime syndicates, I wouldn't have written him off as just another namby-pamby fluffhead."

Needless to say, the news has sent shockwaves all over the world. We will keep you updated as the situation continues to develop.

Given the intensity of today's DVD Special Features, it's no surprise that we never get to them all. And to be honest, as enlightening as the Director's Commentary may be, most people rarely take the time to sit through it. So, as a special service, I've transcribed a portion of the Director's Commentary from the Limited Collector's Edition of Ratatouille that I thought you'd find particularly enlightening. Enjoy!



Scene: Remy Cooks the Soup
Time: 00:23:32 - 00:34:46
Commentary by: Brad Bird (Director, Writer) and John Lasseter (Executive Producer)

Bird: This might be my favorite scene. It really gets to the epitomizes one of the driving forces behind the plot, and that is the transcendent nature of art. How one can just get swept up in the divine process of creation, whether it be cooking, painting, or animating. Here Remy delays his escape, literally putting his life on the line, in order to satisfy his artistic impulse. It's really quite beautiful.

Lasseter: I couldn't agree more. As artists, we all know that risk is an essential component to all great art. Without risk, there is no reward.

Bird: And this project in and of itself was a huge risk. I mean, the idea of creating an entire movie around a rat in the kitchen... and cooking no less! You don't know how many people thought we were totally nuts. Though to be honest, we weren't exactly treading new ground here. Rodents have been at the heart of children's entertainment for generations.

Lasseter: And because of the Disney connection, people always assume that Remy was a descendent of Mickey Mouse...

Bird: Yeah, that's the first thing people always ask me. But, to be honest, while I was putting the script together, I didn't consider Mickey to be a good role model for the Remy character. For me, as great as Mickey was, he was always a creation… never the creator. He was the product of Walt Disney's imagination, but the character himself lacked imagination… I always found him to be kind of bland... the likeable straight man in a world of fantastically complex characters. To find a suitable ancestor for Remy, I had to draw upon a character who felt the same creative impulse. I found just the guy in another beloved rodent: Leo Lionni’s Frederick.



Lasseter: When Brad told me this, I nearly fell out of my chair, because Frederick was one of my childhood favorites. You all know the story, a band of mice prepares for the harsh winter, but one of them, Frederick, collects words and colors instead of food. At first, everyone thinks he's lazy, but when winter comes and they are out of food, Frederick's artistic vision inspires them and keeps them warm for the duration of the summer. Inspiration and imagination warms the body and soul and the power of art triumphs over circumstance.

Bird: Right.... so as you can see, Remy and Frederick have a lot in common. They really are cut from the same cloth. They both start out as outcasts because of their artistic tendencies. They both want to elevate themselves from the mundane through their art. However, I was always a little bothered by Frederick because I kept thinking, couldn't he have collected words and colors while lending a hand? I mean, there had to be some kind of balance between indulging in your art and the basic necessity of gathering food. I couldn't shake the feeling that despite his triumph at the end, he was still kind of a freeloader.

Lasseter: Brad, I never thought I'd say this, but you're starting to sound like a Republican.

Bird: Stop it. You know what I mean. Yes, art is important, but so is sustaining one's livelihood. I mean, hadn't Frederick ever heard of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs?!

Lasseter: Brad, you're digressing again. Let's get back on track, or we'll have to cut this from the final DVD.

Bird: Right. So, in order reconcile the basic need for food and the transcendent need for art, I had the brilliant idea to make food his art! It was quite an elegant solution, if I do say so myself.

Lasseter: Plus, with the current pop culture obsession with the culinary arts, food made the movie very marketable. I mean just look at the popularity of the Food Network, Top Chef, Iron Chef, Swedish Chef, etc. This was an idea that came at the perfect time. But that's the producer in me talking.

Bird: Yeah, the producer in you also forced me to put in that ill-conceived romance between Linguini and Collete. That one still stings... I mean, who in their right mind would believe that the tough-as-nails Collete would ever fall in love with the hapless Linguini? Suspension of disbelief can only take the audience so far.

Lasseter: Yeah, yeah, I didn't hear you complaining when Ratatouille was sitting at the top of the box officeas the checks were rolling in. I know the movie industry and I know our audience. People want some love sprinkled into every story... it's like putting hot sauce on your burrito, it just spices it up a bit.

Bird: Now who's digressing? Back to my point, if you take Frederick and compare it to Ratatouille, you'll start to see more parallels. The scene where Remy helps his cousin Emile visualize taste pays homage to the scene where he Frederick helps his friends visualize the colors of spring. And instead winter, I chose to embody the impending threat of death in the chilly and crypt-like character of the food critic, Anton Ego.

Lasseter: And as all us in the entertainment business know, a critic's chilly reception is much deadlier than the coldest winter.

Bird: Yeah, luckily, we haven't had to deal with much of that because we only make awesome movies.

Lasseter: Yeah, we rock.

Bird: But just like Frederick's art triumphs over winter, Remy's art melts the heart of Anton Ego and his perpetual winter of discontent. And in both the book and the film, the skeptical peers find inspiration in the wake of their talented friend/son. Oh, and even the name Linguini pays homage to the great children's author... I wonder if the audience caught that. Lin-gui-ni, Li-o-nni...

Lasseter: I didn't even catch that until now!

Bird: I know, cool isn't it? High five!

[Bird and Lasseter "high five".]

Bird: Ooo! Ooo! This next scene is great too, where Linguini and Remy first communicate down by the river. There are just so many layers of complexity embedded in their interaction. To really increase the tension, I incorporated aspects of Freud's Theories of Externalization as well as the Jungian Conception of Synchronicity...

Lasseter: Oh wait--did you hear that?

Bird: Hear what?

Lasseter: That sound... I think... I think it's the sound of our audience falling asleep.

Bird: Or... maybe... it's the sound of me feeding you a knuckle sandwich!

Lasseter: Bring it on, Birdman!

Bird: You asked for it... I hope you're hungry!

---end of transcript---

[The following is a partial transcript from the presentation, "From the Belly of the Beast: The Metaphysical in Children's Literature". The presentation discussed Kevin Sherry's I'm the Biggest Thing in the Ocean and was part of the 28th Annual Conference on Comparative Children's Literature hosted by the University of Florida's Center for Children's Literature and Culture. Per their request, the speakers names have been removed from the record.]

Speaker 1: It is my contention that Sherry's Giant Squid represents a modernized heroic ideal. For those of you unfamiliar with the story, it opens with a giant squid proudly proclaiming that he is, in fact, big. He then proceeds on a tour of the ocean, pointing out that he is bigger than clams, those fish, these fish, that shark, etc., etc. In a sudden twist of fate, the squid is swallowed up by a blue whale. Rather than be defeated by this unforeseen turn of events, the squid bravely exclaims, "I am the biggest thing in this whale!" We should all be so strong of character. This unwavering optimism in the face of overwhelming adversity is the only heroic response to the uncertainty of the human condition. To stare death, doubt, and obsurity in the eye and proclaim, "I am!" That is the modern definition of heroism.

Speaker 2: Pardon my French, but Bulls--t! This is exactly the kind of wanderlusting and daydreamy wimpering that is watering down today's intellectual landscape. The giant squid is no hero, he is the anti-hero, indicative of all that is fundamentally wrong with the human condition. The story starts out innocently enough, with the squid asserting that he is "big". Okay, fine. Unfortunately, he is not content to leave it at that. He is compelled to go through the ocean lording his size over the other beings unfortunate enough to cross his path. The squid's need to demean others in order to assert his dominance highlights is the one of the tragic flaws of humanity. Our species-wide insecurity leads to a compulsive need to establish/impose social hierarchy, often through the use of force. This is why our historical record is no more than an unending parade of war and death. It is why the pursuit of any kind of utopian ideal is ultimately an exercise in futility.

Speaker 1: I believe my esteemed colleague is suffering from the "Glass is Half Empty" Syndrome. [crowd laughter] Now if--

Speaker 2: The glass is not half empty! My whole point is that there is no glass! We have created the myth of a divine "glass" that holds existence together, but the sad truth is that there is nothing there. The glass is an illusion that we have created for ourselves in order to go on with our sad and pathetic lives. We are afraid to face the fact that, without a glass, we are just a sad puddle of coincidence just waiting for someone to come by and clean up the mess.

Speaker 1: Are you finished? If you'll allow me to continue, Ladies and gentlemen, [Speaker 2]'s brand of pessimistic logic is exactly why we need a hero like the Giant Squid. Once swallowed by the whale, the Squid does not surrender, he merely takes a moment to compose himself, makes the best of the situation, and maintains his triumphant spirit. If you, [Speaker 2] were faced with that same situation, perhaps you would lay down your arms, proclaim the futility of it all, and resign yourself to float, adrift in a cess pool of your agnosticism and solipsistic self pity... but where is the heroism in that? No, the heroic response is to scream defiantly into the echo chamber of the heavens, if for no other reason than to hear the reaffirming sound of your own voice calling back to you. Optimism may be a grand illusion, but it is our best weapon against existential futility and tragic resignation.

Speaker 2: Do you really buy this junk? This squid is not a modern day hero, he is a modern day Don Quixote, a self-delusional, albeit endearing, nincompoop whose flawed logic only leads to his own destruction. Did you ever wonder why he was swallowed by the whale? It was karmic retribution for his own hubris. And how does he respond to this divine slice of humble pie? It barely phases him. He is incapable of learning his lesson or any lesson for that matter. He merely readjusts the terms of success in order to suit his needs. This is the kind of moral relativism that undermines the most sacred treasures of our humanity: our sense of right and wrong. In fact, you know who the squid reminds me of? One George--

Speaker 1: Oh please, let's not go down that road...

Speaker 2: W. Bush! Like our misguided squid, George W. Bush follows his path of perceived greatness, his self-proclaimed largesse dragging the country, nay the world, on his imperial march into the quagmire that is this neverending misadventure in Iraq. And faced with adversity, he merely changes the rules of the game as he goes along. First, we invaded because we had to get rid of WMDs. When those were nowhere to be found, he declared Iraq to be an exercise in sowing the seeds of democracy in the Middle East. When that turned out to be a failure, he lowers his bar for success yet again, redefining success as a decrease in the number of daily car bombs. Can't you see people?! I am the walrus, George Bush is the squid!

Speaker 1: I think we're just about out of time. I'd like to thank everyone for coming and--

Speaker 2: I'm not done yet! You can try to silence me, but you can't silence the truth! What are you afraid of, [Speaker 1]? What, were you a member of Skull and Bones in college with Bush?

Speaker 1: I think that's quite enough. Security, can you please help [Speaker 2] to his seat?

Speaker 2: The squid is the tragic figure of our times! We must learn from his mistakes! We are not the biggest thing in the ocean! Excuse me, what are you doing? Are you arresting me? What are you arresting me for? Is everybody watching this? Hey, get your hands off me, what are you doing? What's going on? We are not the biggest thing in this whale! We are--what, are you arresting me?! What did I do? Help! Help! Help! Are you kidding me? I am the biggest thing at this convention! Get away from me!

Speaker 1: Folks, Folks, I think if we all just calm down, this situation [unintelligible].

Speaker 2: Help! Help! What did I do? What did I do? Hey, don't tase me, bro! I am the biggest thing in the OWWWWWW!!!! OWWWWWWWW!!!! OWWWWWWW!!!! What did I do...? What did I do...?

--end of transcript--

[For a video clip of this presentation, click here. For a complete transcript of the discussion or any other forums during the 28th Annual Conference on Comparative Children's Literature, or to send presentation proposals for next year's conference, email [email protected].]

Note: For the record, despite Speaker 2's opinion, we at Bottom Shelf Books loved this book. In fact, we walked around the apartment shouting, "I'M THE BIGGEST THING IN THE OCEAN!" for about a month after reading it.

Authors: Peter Parnell and Justin Richardson
Illustrator: Henry Cole

In this charming book, two penguins at the New York Central Park Zoo fall in love and start a family. The twist? The two penguins are both dudes! And Tango Makes Three is based on the true story of Roy and Silo, two male penguins who become inseparable and, with the help of a progressive zookeeper, become the first same-sex couple at the zoo. This unique relationship soon makes them a featured attraction as they challenge the American public's perceptions of gender relations.

So what's next for this celebrity family? Well, having captured the imagination of animal lovers everywhere, Roy and Silo decide to leverage their newfound fame and request a transfer to the world-renowned San Diego Zoo. Not only will they get greater exposure at their posh new digs, but they will be able to live in a city that has unexpectedly found itself on cutting edge of gay rights. Last week Jerry Sanders, mayor of the overwhelmingly conservative San Diego, came out in support of gay marriage in a surprising and heartfelt announcement (see below).



Mayor Sanders is sure to encounter some backlash, but hopefully his gutsy announcement will set the example for other politicians. And who knows? If he can effectively utilize the adorable And Tango Makes Three crew to provide some much-needed P.R. support, he might even make it to the next election.

Library Controversy Note: Of course a children's book about a same-sex couple will stir some controversy. When it first came out, many concerned parents took issue with the penguins' rainbow connection and tried to shield their children from its unconventional portrayal of love. Most offended localities tried to ban the book, but in Missouri, parents had the bright idea to have the book moved to the school library's non-fiction section.

Close-minded? Perhaps.
Politically savvy? Most definitely.

Whereas other parents went through official channels to get rid of the book and ran into legal difficulties, Missouri circumvented the system by burying it in the non-fiction section of the library... which is like hiding candy in the vegetable drawer. What kid is ever going to look for it there? Whether or not you agree with their stance on homosexuality, you have to give them some props for their kooky ingenuity.

Though this plan may backfire... now that And Tango Makes Three is in the non-fiction section, penguin homosexuality is officially a fact and will be used as a reference book for elementary school research projects on penguins all over Missouri. The Show Me State will never look at penguins the same again.

Author: Ann McGovern
Illustrator: Simms Taback

Peter thinks his house is too noisy, so he goes to the local wise man to complain. The wise man suggests that he get a cow. Predictably, the cow makes things even noisier. Peter continues to go back to the wise man, who continues to suggest that he get yet another animal. Soon Peter's house is filled with noisy beasts and is louder than ever.

Peter makes one final visit to this so-called wise man. This time, the wise man suggests that Peter get rid of all the animals. Peters does so and suddenly his house seems peaceful and quiet.

Aha! The wise man's tactic is revealed: Instead of decreasing the noise level, he recommended a temporary sonic escalation so that when the house is returned to its original noise level, it will seem quiet... and Peter will quit his whining and be content with the status quo.

Does this sound at all familiar?

It should, because the Bush administration employed the exact same strategy in an attempt to quiet a disgruntled Congress.

Last November, a newly elected Democratic Congress was clamoring for troop withdrawals in Iraq. How did the President respond? Instead of reducing troops, he called for a surge in troops. Wha?!

Then just last week, following the highly-anticipated testimony of General David Patraeus, Bush made an announcement to the county. He was finally going to begin withdrawing troops in Iraq. This would restore troop numbers to (you guessed it) pre-surge levels.

Tricky bastard! Not only that, but he was bold enough to add that "the way forward I have described tonight makes it possible for the first time in years, for people who have been on opposite sides of this difficult debate to come together."

Nice try, but it will take a lot more than this political sleight-of-hand to fool anyone. Congress saw right through this ploy. Senator Carl Levin immediately made a statement saying that "[President Bush's Plan] creates and provides an illusion of change in an effort to take the wind out of the sails of those of us who want to truly change course in Iraq."

Bush's Too Much Noise strategy isn't going to work because unlike him, we are not idiots. Also, Washington D.C. is gearing up for a presidential election. Which means Karl Rove will win Miss Teen USA before Bush gets members of Congress to stop talking.

If there's one lesson we can all take with us to the grave, it's that in our nation's capital there there will always be too Much NOISE!

Author: Giles Andreae
Illustrator: David Wojtowycz

I have to admit that I was somewhat disappointed when I read this book. Not for what the book is (a fun and colorful collection of jungle poetry), but for what the book is not. Because of the title, I was hoping that it was an illustrated account of THE Rumble in the Jungle, the epic 1974 boxing match between Muhammad Ali and George Foreman that took place in Zaire.

Alas, it was not to be. Which is a shame, because with his unique lyrical stylings and cocky sense of humor, Ali would be the perfect candidate to author a children's book. Unfortunately, since Ali hasn't picked up the pen, we'll have to settle for George Foreman's silly book: Let George Do It!



Author: George Foreman and Fran Manushkin
Illustrator: Whitney Martin

George Foreman has five sons and they are all named George. Not George Junior, George III, or even Curious George... just George. The story follows the crazy mishaps that result from the logistical nightmare of having an entire house of Georges. (Apparently, the original George was so blinded by his crippling megalomania that didn't foresee this being a problem.)

With this picture book, George Foreman's transformation is complete. If you remember him from his boxing days (or if you watch the documentary When We Were Kings), George Foreman was quite possibly the scariest man alive. His sheer size and grizzly scowl were enough to give me the willies even though 3 decades and a television screen separate me from his devastating ham-sized fists.

And now? He is the grinning goofball of George Foreman Grills and a children's book author. Talk about reinventing yourself. Ali may have won the fight on that balmy night in 1974, but give Foreman credit for picking himself up off the mat and infomercialing his way back into our hearts.


Conspiracy Theory Note: Have you ever noticed the eerie similarity between the design aesthetic of the George Foreman Grill...



...and Apple laptops?



Apple's departure from the standard small black laptop design to the refreshingly sleek look launched sales into the stratosphere as they became the hip choice for a generation that defines themselves by their computer use. It is now impossible to go into any coffeeshop or college campus without the ubiquitous glare of the glowing Apple logo. I had always assumed that the aesthetic similarity to the simple and clean design of the Foreman grill was just a coincidence... until I stumbled upon this:



The George Foreman iGrill

"The iGrill is an indoor/outdoor electric grill/roaster with a built-in dock to play your favorite grillin' tunes from your iPod or other MP3 player."







There is only one possible explanation for the release of this absurdity: Foreman was threatening to sue Apple CEO Steve Jobs for stealing his design and they agreed upon an out-of-court settlement. In exchange for dropping the lawsuit, Apple would outfit the Foreman grill for iPod compatibility... despite the fact that no one in their right minds would buy this ridiculous contraption. (Even Sharper Image, the Mecca of Craptastically Useless Gadgets, doesn't carry it.)

Now if they really wanted to make it a worthwhile product and take it to the next level, they could rig the iGrill so that the grease pan (a.k.a. reservoir of fat drippings) connects directly to some kind of biodiesel conversion devise so that you could charge your iPod using the discarded fat from your porkchops.

Now that, my friends, is a tangible step towards a better tomorrow. Who's going to fix the environment? Let George Do It!

Author: Sam McBratney
Illustrator: Anita Jeram

This classic is one of those quietly perfect books, a true masterpiece where the tone, pacing, and illustrations hit the right note each time. In it, Little Nutbrown Hare and Big Nutbrown Hare go back and forth telling the other one how much they love eachother, playfully trying to outdo the other.

Little Nutbrown Hare uses his arms, legs, toes, and whatever else he has at his disposal (i.e. "I love you as high as I can reach,"). It is the nature of love that we use whatever we can find to demonstrate it. For those of us who are artistically inclined, it may come in the form of a painting or a drawing. Or if you fancy yourself a writer, then maybe you'd write a beautiful love poem.

Or if you happen to be one of the greatest rock guitarists to ever live, I guess you'd write an immortal song. Check out this unbelievable story I read in The Week:

Pattie Boyd (left) inspired two rock 'n' roll legends to create their most beautiful music. In 1969, her husband, George Harrison, wrote his biggest hit, "Something," for her. A year later, their good friend Eric Clapton drew her aside. "He played me the most powerful, moving song I had ever heard," Boyd tells the London Daily Mail, "It was 'Layla,' about a man who fall hopelessly in love with a woman who loves him but is unavailable. He played it to me two or three times, all the while watching my face intently for my reaction. My first thought was, 'Oh God, everyone's going to know this is about me.'"

Boyd had rebuffed Clapton, but he kept trying, and told Harrison, "Man, I'm in love with your wife." One night, Clapton arrived at Harrison's house drunk, and the two men decided to fight over Boyd--with music. "George handed him a guitar and an amp, as an 18th-century gentleman might have handed his rival a sword, and for two hours, without a word, they dueled. The air was electric and the music exciting."

Wow. Can someone PLEASE build a time machine now? If only to go back and record that epic guitar duel between the two drunken masters and post it on YouTube for the rest of us to see, it would be worth it.

Oh and how does the story end? Well... you know that lyric from Something that goes:

Somewhere in her smile she knows
That I don't need no other lover

Apparently her smile doesn't know shit, because "A year later, Boyd left Harrison when she realized he was sleeping with Ringo Starr's wife. She wound up in Clapton's arms."

At first I was going to accuse Harrison of lyrical misrepresentation, but then I realized that he didn't actually lie. Check the lyric again: I don't need no other lover... I'll be damned! That cunning linguist tricked us all with a double negative! (If he doesn't need no other lover... that means that he does need an other lover... right?)

Moral of the story: It's time to stop guessing how much they love you and time to go back and check all your old love letters for grammatical loopholes before you find yourself in for some hard day's nights.

by Cluck Roosterman

In April, Bottom Shelf Books wrote a review of Punk Farm... a review that was admittedly based mostly on rumors, hearsay, and conjecture. In an attempt to get to the truth, they sent their most awesome rock critic (me) out to track down the elusive Punk Farm and get the band's side of the story. I found them at their barn in Wisconsin prepping for their upcoming tour. Here is a partial transcript from the upcoming article, Barn Burning: A Conversation with Punk Farm.



(Cluck Roosterman is a renowned rock critic and best-selling author of Sex, Drugs, & Chicken Feed and Last One is a Rotten Egg: The Merciful Death of Glamrock. This is his first time interviewing Punk Farm.)



CR: Does the band's newfound fame leave you any time to do the normal everyday things that an animal does? Do you ever miss the simplicity of your pre-fame days?

SHEEP: Do I miss coming out of the barn at midnight without all of the flashing lights – yeah, sometimes. But do I want to put down my microphone? No way!
GOAT: You know what is an animal supposed to do anyhow? It’s all just society’s way of trying to hold us back.
COW: I want to make art, not just give milk. Fame is the trade off. It’s the sacrifice we make as artists.
CHICKEN: Look, if I wanted to live my life laying eggs, I wouldn’t be in this band.

CR: A recent article in SPIN Magazine said that your most recent concert "blew the roof off the barn." Was that just a figure of speech or did the roof actually get blown off? If it was, who is going to pay for the damages?

PIG: Oh man! That was a crazy show! Just outside of Wheatland…
SHEEP: It was Kenosha.
PIG: Right, Kenosha. Anyways, yeah it was nuts!
COW: There was so much rock, just so much ROCK, the pressure sent the roof flying!
[At this point, a horse in a suit enters the room and whispers in Sheep’s ear.]
SHEEP: Actually, our lawyer has advised us not to discuss details of this event. Next question, please.


Left: The Infamous Kenosha Concert. Police have yet to locate the roof of the barn. Eyewitnesses last claim to have seen it somewhere over Des Moines.




CR: How has Farmer Joe reacted to your success? Do you see him as a threat to your career, or does he merely provide fuel for the fire that rages within Punk Farm?

SHEEP: Whoa, whoa whoa, WHOA! Keep it down! Farmer Joe doesn’t know a thing and that’s how we intend to keep it.
GOAT: Yeah man, don’t blow up our spot!
SHEEP: Farmer Joe has been very good to us. He feeds us, he provides a place for us to play…he shovels our poop…
PIG: Yeah, but Farmer Joe also expects us to work. He has very high expectations of us and sometimes I feel like we’re never good enough for him. I mean how can we work when we rock all night long? I think the guy needs to chill.
CHICKEN: If Farmer Joe ever found out we were even giving this interview, he’d be so mad. And he’s a pretty even guy, but I don’t want to send him over the edge, ya know?
COW: It would be like his whole world would just come crashing down around him. We’re all he’s got.
SHEEP: So I guess it’s a catch 22. In many ways, yeah he is a bit of a threat to our career. He would shut down this Punk Farm party so quickly.

CR: As Punk Farm prepares to go on tour, is there any worry that leaving the farm will be detrimental to the band's creative flow?

SHEEP: Sure, there will always be that fear. We need to continue to write, but we also need to get out there and play for our fans. This is going to be an important tour for us. It’s our first.
PIG: I can’t wait to get out there and meet some of the fans in person!
GOAT: I’m pretty psyched to see the country. I’ve never been outside of Wisconsin before.
CHICKEN: There’s so much at stake. What if no one likes our new music? What if I mess up when I’m playing the keyboards?! This whole tour thing stresses me out!

CR: What do you see in Punk Farm's future?

COW: Rock, rock, and then more rock.

CR: Do you think it is possible to have mainstream success and maintain true to your punk roots?

[Everyone looks to Sheep]

SHEEP: I’ll take this one. Yes. We decided early on that if success came before the rock, then that was it. Punk Farm would cease to exist. So Punk Farm will always exist as an entity that will remain true to its punk roots. If we had a million dollars in the bank and we didn’t need to live on this farm, if farm animals were allowed to open up bank accounts in the first place, we would still maintain the attitude of - we love to rock, we’re here to rock, now get out of the way so we can rock. Sure, there will be haters. There will always be haters.
PIG: Let them hate, let us rock.
SHEEP: Exactly.
PIG: You go whine in the corner, I’m plugging in my amp.
SHEEP: Yup.
PIG: It’s like, go crying all you want, hate, hate, hate, I’ll be playing my guitar so hard, I won’t even care.
SHEEP: OK, I think they get it.


"...Punk Farm will always exist as an entity that will remain true to its punk roots... we love to rock, we’re here to rock, now get out of the way so we can rock."




TO BE CONTINUED: Check back on Wednesday, when we get up close and personal with your favorite banyard rebels with some one-on-one questions.


----------------------------------------------

A big thanks to Punk Farm and their publicist, Jarrett Krosoczka (left) for letting us backstage for this interview. Be on the lookout for Punk Farm On Tour, which comes out in October and the Punk Farm rockumentary that is being produced by Dreamworks. Critics are already raving, saying that "What Ratatouille did for food, Punk Farm will do for music. Prepare to be blown away."


You can read more about Punk Farm and download their music at their website, or you can visit them at work in Studio JJK.

Author/Illustrator: Adam Relf

An adorable little fox wants a friend, so he decides to go out and catch one. His mother quickly corrects him and tells him that you don't catch friends, you make friends.

The fox takes this literally and goes out and builds a friend out of an apple and some sticks. Unfortunately, his apple-headed friend is incredibly boring and doesn't play well with others. Soon a few other animals from the forest show up and they all decide to help the fox make a friend. By the end, in the process of making friends, they have inadvertently become friends. Awww... In lesser hands, this could have been extremely cheezy, but Relf's illustrations are so soul squeezingly adorable, that it works really well.

Relf's book also works because it is a rather astute commentary on the difficulty of forging friendships. Indeed, it is rare for people to directly say "Hey, let's be friends." The more common method is to engage in an activity through which social relations and friendships are built... just as Fox and his buddies build a relationship while working on a project together, most people today make friends through activities such as happy hours, book clubs, or sports.

Sports are a great way to make friends (especially for guys who are typically less comfortable with their emotions) because it allows for the development of camraderie and emotionally significant relationships through a socially acceptable venue. Strong friendships are developed on the playing field and emotional barriers are slowly broken down. (Where else do guys pat eachother on the butt without a second thought?) The sports world creates a useful context upon which friendships can be cultivated and eventually thrive off the field as well.

Sports is such a powerful unifying force that it can extend well beyond the realm of individual friendships and into the global politics. The most startling example is the Iraqi national soccer team, who recently beat Saudi Arabia to win the Asia Cup. This victory prompted throngs of Iraqi citizens to take to the streets in celebration. Shiites and Sunnis rejoiced together, chanting "One Iraq!"

From Harper's: "Sport brings us together while the heads of everything in Baghdad can't bring us together for five years," said one reveler. "If the Iraqi football team ruled us, peace would spread in our home."


Indeed, it appears that where diplomacy and military occupation have failed, soccer has triumphed. Sport may prove to be the best hope yet for quelling the tragic sectarian violence that has been consuming Iraqi cities for years now.

Seizing this unprecented momentum, President Bush finally heeds the country's call for a change of strategy in Iraq and commissioned the conservative think tank, The Heritage Foundation, to produce the following top secret policy initiative:
















The report, called "A Kick in the Balls: Soccer as a Strategy For Ending the Conflict in Iraq" is an attempt to capitalize on the transcendent power of sport as a means of redeveloping a sense of national pride and peaceful coexistence between warring factions in Iraq. The report, which will be delivered to the President early next week includes the following recommendations:



1) Replace the Department of Defense with the Major League Soccer All-Star team.








2) Cut off all ties with new British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and announce that all diplomatic relations with Great Britain will now go through David Beckham.





3) Preemptively commute the sentence of NBA official Tim Donaghy (who is under investigation for rigging games). Put him in charge of officiating for all future soccer matches to ensure that Iraq will always emerge victorious.




4) Pressure the international community to name Pele as the new Secretary General of the United Nations.







5) Appoint Brandi Chastain as the successor to Tony Snow for the position of White House Press Secretary. If anyone questions the president's latest strategy, she will be instructed to take off her top as a diversion. If that doesn't work, she will kick Helen Thomas in the face and shout, "Anybody else want some?!"








6) Request that French president Nicolas Sarkozy lend the services of soccer legend Zinedane Zidane to the Iraq War so that he can serve as a one man army to secure Anbar province.





Surprisingly, this drastic new strategy will garner support in both political parties. Democrats will support the initiative because shifting from a military based occupation to a soccer based occupation will allow them to bring our troops home sooner rather than later (and reverse their sinking standing in the public opinion polls).

Republicans and the White House will support the plan because no one in the United States really pays attention to soccer, so interest in Iraq will quickly evaporate. The less attention on the war, the better off the Republican Party. Soon (to the delight of the embattled Bush administration), CNN will stop covering it all together and the only place you will be able to get updates on the war will be ESPN Deportes.

Mission Accomplished? GOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!

Note: This strategy will not bring an immediate end to all violence. During this past week's celebration, 4 people were killed by celebratory gun fire (which tragically, is a low casualty rate in present-day Iraq). A key component to the success of this plan will be providing the Iraqi population with free bottles of celebratory champagne so that the worst injuries will be limited to the occasional cork to temple.

Author/Illustrator: Nick Bruel

A young kangaroo emerges from her mother's pouch to learn how to hop. She watches as her mother and friends demonstrate by bouncing all over the place, but every time she tries she ends up flat on her tail. Finally, someone tells her to empty her pouch. The little kangaroo proceeds to pull out a treasure trove of kid goodies. No wonder she couldn't get off the ground! Once she is free from the weight of her childhood toys, she gives it one more shot and... BOING!

This is a very cute book, but its message is a little outdated. Yes, it used to be true that you needed to shed your childhood baggage before you could make the leap into adulthood... but no more. In today's consumer driven society, there is an entire market dedicated to accomodating the wants and needs of kidtastic adults.

A few pieces of evidence:
-Age of the average video game player: mid 30s
-Last week's top grossing movies were: 1) Harry Potter, 2) Transformers, and 3) Ratatouille (a.k.a. Picture of the Year)
-The World Adult Kickball Association



And that's just the tip of the iceberg. So, as you can see, there is no longer any need to empty your pouch of the trappings of childhood. By all means, take it all with you!

From a sociological standpoint, this makes complete sense. We grew up as the first generation whose childhood was completely oversaturated by commercials. Previous generations were exposed to advertising, but nothing like the ruthless onslaught of brand name bullying that was Saturday Morning Cartoons.

Madison Avenue unleashed an unholy army led by the Trix Rabbit, Zack the Lego Maniac, and the Mario Brothers, cold-blooded mercenaries who easily conquered us and turned us into the most maleable and market-friendly generation of all time. The message that they left us with was an almost zen-like mantra of Gimme Gimme Gimme.

Apparently, the message was so powerful that, not only do we still want (need) to buy stuff, we still want to buy almost the exact same stuff that we did as when we were young. And true to their word, the market is providing us with tons of junk on which to spend our money. Hey, why should kids get to have all the fun?

This redefinition of adulthood is a phenomenon that is described in excruciatingly pithy detail by the controversial new book, Welcome to Neverland: How the Free Market Raised Us To Be a Generation of Peter Pansies.

Keep in mind, I am not disparaging anyone for "not growing up." As someone who spends his spare time writing about picture books, I'm the last one to pass judgement. As they say, people who live in glass houses should not throw stones.

...which I always thought was a pretty silly saying--I mean, who the heck lives in a glass house? Then I saw this picture of a celebrated "postmodern" house designed by the famous architect Philip Johnson in 1949:













Well I'll be damned. So yeah, I guess they're right. If you happen to be unlucky enough to live in this ridiculous glass house (in New Canaan, Connecticut of all places), it would not be a good idea to throw stones. Unless it's to throw them at the guy who had the brilliant idea to build your house with glass walls. In which case, throw away. I won't judge you.

Author/Illustrator: Jonathan Allen

"I'm Not Cute" is a charmingly simple tale that also serves as a diagnosis of an unfortunate symptom of the life of a child television or movie star. As with many child stars, the baby owl struggles to convince the public that is not just a cute face. This is what is commonly known as the "I'm Note Cute!" Syndrome. There are several possible paths open to the baby owl. Below are the historically most likely scenarios.

Scenario 1: Never manage to break the suffocating mold of childhood fame and eventually disappear into the misty hills of obscurity.


Exhibit A: Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Sorry, Simba. The Circle of Life for a child star is painfully unforgiving.




Scenario 2: Burn out in a blaze of glory, never to fully recover.


Exhibit B: Corey Feldman
Last spotted on VH-1s The Surreal Life. It doesn't get any lower.



Scenario 3: Temporarily fade from the limelight only to reemerge and go on to have a successful career as an adult.


Exhibit C: Alyssa Milano
a.k.a. The boyhood crush that keeps on giving.





Scenario 4: Manage to survive the spectacular flame-out, and then (after years of rehab) rise from the ashes to reclaim stardom with a vengeance.


Exhibit D: Drew Barrymore
Went from snorting cocaine at 13 to Ambassador Against Hunger for the United Nations World Food Programme at 31. Not bad.



While Barrymore's recent nomination as U.N. Ambassador is impressive, she is not the first child star to succeed in the political realm. That distinction belongs to the mother of all child stars: Shirley Temple Black, who went from a life as an international childhood sensation to a distinguished career in international politics.



From the Good Ship Lollipop...







... to serving as the U.S. Ambassador to Czechoslovakia during the Velvet Revolution (which, by the way, was hands down the coolest name for a revolution ever).



As these stars prove, the "I'm Not Cute" Syndrome is not fatal... but it is life-threatening and can have crippling long term side effects if you're not careful. So if hear "cha-ching!" everytime you look at your adorable offspring, just take a minute and consider the tragic fate of the kids from Different Strokes... that should at least slow down the money train long enough for you to jump off before it's too late.


What are we talkin' bout, Willis? We're talking about the exploitation of children leading to irreparable psychological damage with sometimes tragic consequences, that's what we're talkin' bout.





Tricky Dicks Note: (Warning--juvenile and crass pun ahead.)

Slate just featured an article about recently released Nixon documents. Within those documents, there was a memo revealing that our former president dealt with the opposite of the "I'm Not Cute" Syndrome. He struggled with what doctors refer to as the "I'm Not a Cold and Heartless Bastard" Syndrome. You can read the article and the original memo here, but here's a taste:

Nixon complained that "average voters" regarded RN as "an efficient, crafty, cold, machine." To help correct this common misconception, Nixon cited "warm items" (Page 3) such as "the calls that I make to people when they are sick, even though they no longer mean anything to anybody" (Page 4). "I called some mothers and wives of men that had been killed in Vietnam," he added, helpfully.

Because he was Nixon, he resented somewhat the social imperative that the president be courteous. "[W]e have gone far beyond any previous president … in breaking our backs to be nicey-nice to the Cabinet, staff and the Congress … around Christmastime," Nixon groused (Page 3). "I have treated them like dignified human beings and not like dirt under my feet" (Page 4), he continued.

Ahh... there's nothing like an efficiently calculating memorandum to your staffers to help convince the American public that you aren't efficient or calculating. Now, I just can't wait until three decades down the road when we finally get to see some of Vice President Dick Cheney's secret files (if they still exist).

Just think, given all the ridiculousness that's been coming out about the ultra-secretive Vice President's office lately... if that's the stuff we do get to see, just imagine what bizarre and delicious treats he's hiding from us in those unmarked drawers and file cabinets!

Word is that Comedy Central is already planning to bring John Stewart and Stephen Colbert out of retirement for just that occasion. The special will be called:

The Daily Show Reunion Special 2037
Inside Cheney's Drawers: The Dick We Never Knew

If you have TiVo... set it now.

Author/Illustrator: Mary Ann Fraser

I.Q., the class pet, decides to join in on the school's Health Month. Determined to show how fit he can be, I.Q. develops an awesome fitness plan that makes Richard Simmons look like a pudgy hobbit in short shorts. (Oh wait...)

I.Q. is a great spokesperson for fitness and does an admirable job trying to stem the rising tide of childhood obesity. Unfortunately, inspiring though he may be, it is going to take more than a doggedly determined mouse to get today's kids to change their poor nutritional habits and increasingly sedentary lifestyles.

If we are truly committed to getting kids in shape, we’re going to have to think outside the box and adjust to the times. In fact, our greatest hope in the battle against childhood obesity comes from the last place you would expect: video games.

Video games are often considered one of the culprits responsible for our decrease in physical activity and deteriorating health. And it’s true, sitting around twiddling your thumbs while staring at a television screen isn't going to do much for your cardiovascular system. However, it is much too late to cut video games out of the equation. So what can we do? Simple. Harness the powerful appeal of the Nintendo and trick kids into being more active. Enter the Nintendo Wii.

The Wii is an innovative new game system that incorporates actual movement into the control system--instead of just pushing buttons, the game actually requires that you get up and move. This interface gets us off the couch, engages more muscles, and gives our poor worn-out thumbs a much-needed rest.

This is not the video game industry’s first attempt to merge with the physical realm. In the mid 90s, Nintendo introduced the Powerpad, but unfortunately it never really caught on… probably because it was really just a poorly conceived rip-off of Twister (without the crossover appeal of being a drunken party game for grown-ups).

Physical video games didn't truly break into the mainstream until the success of Dance Dance Revolution, a maniacally paced game that allowed nerds to turn their video game obsession into crowd-pleasing and sometimes awe-inspiring displays of goofiness. It also took a lot of jumping around, which was great for the cardiovascular system and your quads.

With the recently released Wii being one of the most sought after items on the market, it is only a matter of time before the video game industry is in a full blown arms race for physically challenging game systems… producing video games that are a viable form of exercise. And just like that, the extra pounds will come flying off and obesity will be a thing of the past. Problem solved.

As the technology advances, the games will become more and more lifelike. At which point, thirsty for the most realistic experience possible (and addicted to the endorphin high that comes with actual physical activity), gamers will have no choice but to unplug and go outside in order to experience the ultimate in wireless entertainment.

...unfortunately, it had been much too long since we'd all left our living rooms. Having been neglected for so long, reality has been hijacked! An all-powerful monarch named King Bowser is now ruling the planet with his vast army of Goombas patrolling the land. But there is still hope. Luckily, you've been training for this your whole life

Author/Illustrator: Mo Willems

"Oooooh! A hot dog! Yummy! Yummy! Yummy!"

Uh oh. This is not good.

As Willems (the Hemingway of children's entertainment) showed us in Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus!, our loveable pigeon is famous for his lack of restraint. In order to keep the Pigeon's covetous ways under control, Willems famously broke down the 3rd wall to put YOU in charge of keeping the pigeon from getting behind the wheel. You proved to be more than up to the task... but your job is not done.

Now that the pigeon has gotten his first taste of a devilishly delectable hot dog, you are going to be called back into duty for Willem's next book: Don't Let the Pigeon Enter Nathan's Famous International Hot Dog Eating Competition!

Pigeon's lack of self restraint is most likely indicative of an addictive personality. This insatiable quality coupled with his quirky appetites would make Pigeon a formidable foe for defending champion Joey Chestnut and Japanese superstar Takeru Kobayashi.


Left: America Back On Top of the Food Chain
Joey Chestnut's recent victory over Kobayashi is simultaneously being hailed in the media as a sign of the preeminent gluttony of American culture and as our greatest international triumph since World War II. USA! USA! USA!


It is up to you to stop the Pigeon for his own good. Life on the competetive eating circuit is no picnic (Pun intended. I apologize.) Traveling from county to county, gorging yourself on hotdogs, boiled eggs, and sea urchin ice cream may sound like heaven on earth, but it quickly becomes a living nightmare. Ask any professional eating veteran and they will tell you that gastronomic glory is not worth the price of admission.

Plus, as a hot dog fan myself, the concept of a hot dog eating competition displays a disturbing lack of respect for food. The point of food is nourishment, the joy of a hot dog in savoring each bite... not scarfing down as many as possible to the point of vomitting or hospitalization. And who the heck dips their hot dog buns in water?! These people obviously do not love hot dogs, they love the fame and the glory. And it makes me sick.

Pigeon found a hot dog and it is the greatest thing in the world. Keeping him out of the hot dog eating competition may deprive him of the perverse fame of victory, but it will preserve his love of food and his innocence... if you are a real friend, you will stop him at all costs.

So if you see him about to eat another hot dog, do the right thing. Take it away from him and... give it to me! Me! Give It To ME!!!

It's the right thing to do.

I swear.

Yummy! Yummy! Yummy! Gimee! Gimee! Gimee!!!

Author: Alec Sillifant
Illustrator: Mike Spoor

After decades of silence, Sillifant finally takes it upon himself to pick up the torch and continue the story that began with George Orwell's Animal Farm. When we left the Animal Farm last, it was under the corrupt rule of Napoleon the pig's Stalin-esque regime. The pigs in power had begun to wear clothes and had become virtually indistinguishable from their authoritarian human counterparts. Having departed from their socialist roots, the farms adopts the philosophy of "All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others."

Farmer Ham is a direct descendent of Napoleon the Pig. Having inherited the farm from his lineage of revolutionary ancestors, he now rules his domain with an iron fist and is known for his ruthless tactics. Indeed, an underground newspaper gave him the name Farmer Ham because of his willingness to brutally eliminate any opposition, even cannibalistically disposing of those within his closest inner circle. Ironically, he liked the name and (after destroying the newspaper and imprisoning its employees), he proudly adopted it as his own and referred to himself as Farmer Ham from that day forward. It was the perfect name... the kind of perverse moniker that inspires the fear necessary to maintain order and give revolutionaries reason to pause.

The original Animal Farm was a thinly veiled story about the Soviet Union that warned against the dangers of totalitarian government and the inevitable cycle of corruption that comes hand in hand with power. ("When it comes to revolutionaries, trust only the sad ones. The enthusiastic ones are the oppressors of tommorrow." -William Vollman) This newest installment reminds us that no power is absolute--that there will always be challengers to the throne and that power is a luxury that must be maintained with meticulous precision. To illustrate this point, Sillifant presents Farmer Ham's totalitarian regime with a familiar nuisance: anarchists.

Represented by a gaggle of unruly crows, Farmer Ham's government is challenged by a band of rowdy nihilists who refuse to bow down to his authority. This dangerous here is obvious, as a few successful rebels can infect an otherwise submissive populace, and the next thing you know, you have a revolution on your hands. Farmer Ham knows that he must act quickly and decisively to quell the uprising. To do so, he recruits and trains an elite force of brutes known as the Scarecrow, a shadowy arm of law enforcement that has imperial permission to use whatever tactics they deem necessary. With the terrifying Scarecrow patrolling the fields, the dangerous anarchist element is quickly scattered to the winds.

So Farmer Ham's reign of terror lives another day... but how long can he maintain his stranglehold on the farm before he is toppled from his lofty perch? Today it's anarchist crows, tomorrow it may be socialist moles sprouting up from the ground, or capitalist pigs preaching their free market mumbo jumbo... no, it is only a matter of time before someone rises up against the oppressive Farmer Ham and decides that it's time to bring home the bacon.

And on his farm he had a coup, ee ii, ee ii, oooooooooo...

Author/Illustrator: Steve Breen

This is the first picture book for Breen, the Pulitzer Prize winning cartoonist. With the story of Stick, a headstrong young frog who likes to do things on his own, Breen displays an impressive sense of humor and comic timing. One day, when Stick shoots his tongue out to catch a dragonfly, he gets carried away (literally) and embarks on a wild airborne adventure. Through a series of surprising developments, Stick excitedly explores the wild world... but will he ever make it back home?

Stick is merely the latest in a long and celebrated line of frog explorers. Indeed, nature's first true explorers were the frog's distant ancesters, those intrepid souls who first ventured out of the primordial ooze: the early amphibians. Frogs are direct descendants of those brave few who left the comforts of their homes to explore the unknown lands above the surface of the water. It's almost as if wanderlust is genetically encoded in frog DNA.

Young Stick also owes much to the most persistent explorer in frog history... an adventurer whose exploits are so well-known that he is known simply as: Frogger. Before Frogger, the frog population had to be content with life around the dank world of the pond. But Frogger yearned for more, he want to stretch the boundaries of his world and boldly go where no frog had gone before.

While people still wonder why the chicken crossed the road, no one questions the Frogger's motives. Frogger did not set out to conquer the world, he set out to conquer himself. Despite frequent setbacks and increasingly dangerous traffic, he refused to quit until he crossed every street that he came across. His indomitable spirit would not be denied... he would either succeed or get flattened in the process.



Left: An 18th Century Tapestry depicting The Wondrous Adventures of Frogger: Explorer Extraordinaire.





Other notable amphibious explorers:


Mr. Toad: Not content with life at Toad Hall, our hero follows Dante's lead and explores the depths of Hell. This harrowing journey is well documented in his memoirs: Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.



Kermit: Perhaps the most famous frog in history, Kermit was the ultimate explorer, blazing trails and opening doors at a prolific clip. He first burst onto the scene as the first frog in space ("One small hop for frogs, one giant leap for frogkind.").

Returning to a hero's welcome, Kermit leveraged his newfound fame into a legendary career in film and television. After co

Author: Judi Barrett
Illustrator: Ron Barrett

From the same warped minds that brought you Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, comes this cantankerous manifesto about the ridiculousness of animals wearing clothes. My favorite example is the moose getting thwarted by a pair of suspenders.

Animals wearing clothing is always a strange proposition, especially in the world of cartoons. This was at the heart of one of the most confounding questions of childhood--what is known as The Goofy and Pluto Paradox.

I'm sure you are all familiar with this: Goofy and Pluto are both dogs. Goofy, however, always wears clothes and walks and talks like a human, while Pluto is a more traditional dog who can only bark and saunters around in his birthday suit. Yet they both exist in the same world... how can this be? As a child, you are expected to suspend disbelief and take for granted that within the same world, one dog could be an autonomous being, while the other is a mouse's pet. Though I must admit that I don't ever remember Goofy and Pluto appearing in the same cartoon. The animators at Disney must have known that the idea of Goofy taking Pluto out for a walk was too much to ask, even of children.

When exploring the "Magical World of Disney," you find a common thread that begins to explain the difference between the more human animals from the less human. That common thread is clothing. Disney has built a strange mythology in which clothes act as the catylyst that unleashes the anthropomorphic potential in animals. (Apparently, instead of eating an apple from the Tree of Knowledge, all you have to do is buy a pair of slacks from Banana Republic.) In the Magic Kingdom, it really is the clothes that make the man. I mean, there is no way Pluto would walk around barking on all fours if they allowed him to put on a sweater vest and some Dockers.

A Few More Examples:

Chip N' Dale: In the early days, these two are a couple of mischievous chipmunks who have human characteristics, but are still very much animals. They don't talk, they just chatter in a way that seems vaguely human. They also do not wear any clothes.



It isn't until they start wearing clothes that they become Chip N' Dale: Rescue Rangers! Sporting fancy new duds, these mischievous chipmunks become fully humanoid and start their own detective agency.

And there is no way that they would solve crime without clothes... like Adam & Eve after putting on that first fig leaf, they are too much too self-conscious now. Once they've put on their first article of clothing, there's no turning back. They would be ashamed to go au natural, so they will be forced to wear clothes forever. (Somewhere, the snakes that run the fashion industry are laughing and rolling around in their piles of money.)

(Note: Further evidence can be found in the dehumanizing quality of Chippendales, an organization dedicated to men taking their clothes off and turning them into objects. )


Donald Duck: The humanizing power of clothing can also explain the trials of the tragicomic Donald Duck. Perhaps his debilitating speech impediment and inability to control his emotions can be attributed to the fact that he only wears a sailor top and no pants (though, to be fair, he's not the first sailor to be caught without any pants on). Maybe he cannot fully master the human art of conversation until he becomes fully-clothed. (It should be noted that Mickey wears a shorts but no shirt. So he technically not fully clothed either. But this is a much more conventional practice among humans. So there is no conflict there.)

Which bring up another question: How come Donald Duck never wore pants... but he would wear a bathing suit? What gives?! Where is the logic in that?! Rumors are that Finland, apparently fed up with Donald's antics, banned the Duck in 1977, citing indecent exposure. So... nudity is fine, but partial nudity is indecent. Apparently, Finnish laws are as confounding as the laws that govern the Magic Kingdom.

Plagiarism Disclaimer: It seems inevitable that a discussion about Donald Duck's lack of pants takes place in a Kevin Smith movie. It has to have been a side conversation in Clerks or Clerks II, but I don't know for sure. If you know of any such conversation, I'd appreciate the reference... and a copy of the DVD sent to my home.

A Quick For Your Consideration Note:

Consider the relationships of these four characters...



Does this sound vaguely familiar to you? Now check out the relationships between the characters below:



Uncanny, isn't it? Bizarro Jerry, meet Bizarro Mickey.

Author/Illustrator: Alexandra Day

Considered a modern classic, this is the story of a mother who goes out to run some errands and leaves her baby in the care of the dog, Carl. While she is out, Carl and the baby have all kinds of forbidden fun, like sliding down laundry chutes, swimming in the fish tank, and eating junk food. Carl then bathes the baby and puts it back to crib and the mom is none the wiser.

Good natured fun? We'll see who's laughing when Child Protective Services comes knocking at the door. I mean, honestly, who leaves their baby's life in the hands of a rottweiller? I don't care how "good" he is, he doesn't have opposable thumbs!

Alternate (Jaded, Pessimistic) Interpretations of Good Dog, Carl

The Cool Uncle Carl Interpretation: Carl is like the fun uncle who doesn't have to shoulder any of the responsibilities of child-rearing, but gets to come in and spoil the child with his free-wheeling and anti-establishment ways. This curries favor with the child while simultaneously undermining the parents' authority. It all starts innocently enough with laundry chute adventures and junk food... but by the time the baby grows to be a teenager, don't be surprised to find Good Ol' Carl buying the kid cigarettes and beer behind the parents' backs.

The Lady and the Tramp Interpretation: Carl misses being the center of attention. Before the baby came along, he was the apple of this family's eye. Now he is merely a supporting cast member, with the baby taking the lead. Desperate to regain the spotlight, Carl decides that he must eliminate the competition. Left alone, he throws the baby down the laundry chute and into the basement, tries to drown it in the fish tank, and even attempts to poison it with obscene amounts of junk food. Fortunately for the family, Carl does not have the fine-tuned skills of a highly trained assassin (again, no thumbs). His attempts are woefully unsuccessful. Knowing that the mother will be home at any minute, he quickly washes the baby, wiping off any fingerprints and destroying all evidence of wrong-doing. The mother doesn't suspect a thing. Perfect. Now all Carl needs is patience as he plots his next move and waits for the family to turn its back... so he can get rid of that damn baby once and for all.

Author: Roald Dahl

One of my childhood favorites is coming to the big screen and in spectacular fashion. Wes Anderson (director of Rushmore and The Royal Tenenbaums) is teaming up with the stop-animation guru Henry Selick (The Nightmare Before Christmas) to bring Fantastic Mr. Fox to a theater near you. As if that wasn't enough, George Clooney and Kate Blanchett have already signed on as the voices for Mr. and Mrs. Fox. Fantastic indeed! It'll be interesting to see Roald Dahl filtered through Anderson's quirky lens. Question is... how will Mr. Fox look in a beret?

Side Note: Anderson has a history of resurrecting the stagnant careers of veteran actors, rescuing them from the twilight of Hollywood obscurity. In Rushmore, Anderson allows Bill Murray to reinvent himself by playing a petty but endearing middle-aged man who battles a high school student for the affections of a moderately attractive elementary school teacher. In The Royal Tenenbaums, Anderson breathes life back into Gene Hackman's career, giving him the role of a deeply flawed patriarch seeking redemption.

Who will be the next fading star to be graced by Anderson's rejuvenating touch? I'm hoping that it is Chevy Chase, who has been in a steady downward spiral since Caddyshack (not counting his brief resurgence in Three Amigos!). I foresee him displaying a subtle grace as the conflicted farmer who reluctantly matches wits with the clever Mr. Fox by day, but spends his nights reading Samuel Beckett by candlelight and listening to Elliot Smith b-sides.

I'm not rooting for Chevy Chase because I'm a particularly huge fan. I'm rooting for Chevy Chase because I'm afraid that if he doesn't land the part, he will sink into a deep depression and botox himself into oblivion... or worse, host National Bingo Night on ABC.

B-I-N-G-Oh dear lord, is that really the best idea for a show you could come up with?