Yes, very much so. It appeals to my geek side. Vacationing on the planets sounds cool.

Yes I would love to read this. It has me curious, is she dreaming this while asleep or actually going to visit the planets? I can imagine already the pictures for this story, very colourful in hues of blue, not all but most, and rollerblading on the rings of saturn makes this a very fun story and pleasurable to the eye.... yes I would love to read this, hopefully soon. (just my thoughts)

Yes! I expect a signed copy when you get it published. ;).

Wow! Now that is a pitch. I love it and the premise. Can't wait to read it.

Yes! The pitch was succinct, clear and intriguing. The storyline is unusual and I sure want to know how the plane-trip turns out. Well done, Jennifer.

Ooooo, Jennifer's pitch sounds awesome! I'd definitely read it. What kid (and adult!) wouldn't want to take a vacation like that? :)

Thanks so much for your comment, Randy!

Thanks, Diane!

That's the kind of attitude I like :)

Love your brevity comment, you are too funny!
That pitch is wonderful and puts my space story to shame. It sounds fantastic. The only thing I would say is I can't see much of a story problem to fix. Does something bad happen that she can't do those things?

Well, Catherine, I realize that I do have a tendency to run on and craw way too many things into a post, so I was very proud of myself for keeping it short today. It will probably never happen again :)

Great pitch! I'd read it! It sounds like a funny vacation!I guess she won't visit Pluto. Poor Pluto. Poor, poor Pluto. :(

Erik

I know! Doesn't it sound fun?!

You're funny! Poor Pluto indeed! :)

Thanks for the comment, Joanna :)

As rare as the leap day lol :)

Yes! So true! I didn't even think of that :)














Catherine Johnson (unregistered) wrote, in response to Susanna Leonard Hill:

As rare as the leap day lol :)


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I like the concept for sure, though as Catherine said, I wonder if the pitch needs a mention of the conflict.

That was my thought, too! They will be needing new planet books without poor Pluto. :(
And yes, I'd read this. It sounds fun.

Jennifer, I think this sounds like a great story. What caught my eye is "planets" + rollerblading on Saturn's rings. Teachers would use this book in teaching about space for young kids. For the pitch though, perhaps you need to tell a little more...what's the inciting incident or the thing that causes a problem? (if it's that kind of a story) Again, this sounds like a fun adventure!

Thanks so much for visiting, Tina, and for your helpful comment!

Thank you for those kind words and very helpful advice Tina.

Thanks Renee I really appreciate your insight!

No, she's not going there lol. Thanks for the kind words Eric!

Yes. I would. The last part of the question left me a little disappointed, but maybe that's how Rose will be on this vacation. Just my impression. Very brief Susannah. :)

Thank you so much Rachel ;)

Thanks for all your help Catherine. It looks like everyone see the same problem with my pitch which is great. Now, I know where to fix it. :)

Hey Susanna, I was a little surprised too! I think it's neat this is your 29th on the 29th. Thanks again for having my on today, it's been a great big help so far!

Aw, shucks thanks Laura! That made my day :)

Rena, you're too kind. Thanks girl :)

Thank you Joanna! That's wonderful to hear.

Thank you Diane. I loved hearing what you had to say about the colors.

So glad it does Randy. Thanks for the kind words.

Thank you Stacy. I appreciate your help!

Thank you Stacy, I appreciate your help :)

With all the space buffs in my house, we would definitely read this book. Having read the manuscript (lucky me!) I would mention that her challenge is to find the perfect vacation spot in the solar system or among the planets (something like that). Also, I'm not sure "will her trip be nothing like she dreamed" adds very much. Maybe you could add a third example from the text instead?

I know! Wasn't I just? :)

So great to have thoughts from someone who has actually read it! Thanks, Kirsten!

You are most welcome! i'm so glad if you're finding it helpful! :)

Great, thank so much for your thoughts on it Kirsten! I'll see what would fix better.

Yes, Jennifer...your pitch entices me to read more! I'd love to know what it's like to skateboard on the rings of Saturn, and wonder what those other adventures would be. It keeps me guessing. Talk about a never-to-be-forgotten vacation...don't forget the camera (or is it an iPhone now?)!

So glad to hear you would. Thank you for your kind words Jarm!

Definitely would read this. Outer space adventure...great stuff.

Thank you so much!

*does a happy dance*
Yay, Jennifer! Yes, I'd totally read this. I know my boys love all things outer space, so it'd be a hit in our home. Bravo!
I miiiiight try adding a bit more tension to the pitch, though. What's the cataclysmic issue? I'm sure it's a great one!

You're sweet Bethany, so glad you liked it :) Thank you for the very helpful advice!

I love this! Very excited to read it to my planet-loving 3yo. Here's the question that popped out at me: I couldn't tell if this was going to be pure fantasy (i.e. that she COULD rollerskate on the rings) or if the ending question "nothing like she thought" meant that she was going to learn facts about the planets and NOT be able to do things like that...I'd love a little hint as to which direction the book is taking..pure fantasy, some fantasy (I'm assuming there's a little bit if she's traveling to all the planets) mixed with science, or more science. Good luck!

Yes, I would read it. The best part is I want to know more. At first I was bothered because taking a vacation to space doesn't seem natural (Is she from the future? Is this a dream?) But then I decided I like it just the way it is. You shouldn't answer all your readers' questions in the pitch. The rest of your query letter can address the other things word count, fantasy vs. realism, etc. Your pitch is just the hook and you hooked it.

Wow, that was really nice to hear Hannah. Thanks for your perspective on it.

Great advice Wendy. Thank you so much for your input.

It's a good concept, but I'd love to understand more about what the conflict is in the story. It's hard to get a sense of the story arc from the pitch.

That said, the idea of a vacation in space is awesome and one my kiddos would love.

Thank you Julie for your very helpful opinion.

Yes!!!! That sounds like a great adventure story, even those things don't happen in the end.

Yes. I would read. Has a lot of kid appeal in my opinion.

Yes...I have felt sorry for Pluto for years. He really got ripped off. All those years...being "one of the guys" and then being demoted to a dwarf planet. Not fair! Not fair at all!

Thank you Penny! :)

Thanks so much Stina!

Yes, I would definitely read it. I love books about outer space. I'm wondering if the ending should be a little more specific, what was she dreaming would happen or what conflict might arise?

I like it :) Rilla would definitely want to read this book :) esp with her middle name in it lol.. but I really do love the sounds of this pitch :)

Thank you for your kind comments Denise!

Thanks for the helpful tips Jennifer :)

yes, I would read it! sounds like fun.

Great job Jen, I have to say I have the scoop on the story too. You're going to love it. :)

My gut instinct is a yes, but that's immediately followed by the question of, "is there something that could possibly cause things not to go as she'd dreamed?" If so, what is that thing?

How nice that Jen gets the whole-hearted support of her critique group - speaks well of the story :)

Thanks for your help Angela!!

Thanks so much Darshana

Thank you Cheryl :)

Yes I'd read it. I'd have to know if she was able to rollerblade on the rings of Saturn. Such a creative idea!
Catherine Denton

Yes! It sounds exciting and different. I want to skate on the rings of Saturn!

Hi Jennifer - I'm with Wendy on this one. I love the idea, but couldn't tell if the story will be a rollicking fantasy or a lesson about "real life" on the planets. That said, either way could work! Good luck with this...:)

I am overwhelmed by your succinctness, Susanna. Cute pitch, Jennifer! I like the specifics.

I know! I marveled myself! :)

Yes, I would, but am biased as I have already! I would like to make 2 comments though, that would deter me from picking it up based on the pitch alone: The first sentence is somewhat flat (maybe substitute 'visit' with a more active verb?) and the word 'nothing' in the second sentence brings negativity (pick it up with something like 'exactly')

Jennifer -- I am sorry but I do not have anything to add beyond what has been mentioned already. But, I do want to commend you for putting your pitch/idea out there for everyone to critique. Good luck with this idea!

Thanks so much Eric!

Thank you Vicki

Very helpful advice Julie! Thanks so much!!

Great advice, thanks Dede

Thanks for your kind words Catherine

Thanks so much Coleen

I'm just loving the phrase: hitherto unheard of brevity! Fantastic!

As for the pitch- I love the idea of visiting planets and exploring what might be out there- especially for kids. (We were at the museum of air and space last week and there's a lot to marvel over in that place) The pitch itself needs a little more drama and excitement, so while I like the concept, based on the pitch alone I'm a maybe. Add a little more adventure and I'm in!
A2ZMommy and What’s In Between

Well, it was brief (for me) and hitherto unheard of (and probably never to be heard of again) so it seemed apt :) Thanks you for your helpful comments for Jennifer!

Thank you Tracy, I really appreciate your helpful advice