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I had a good rant the other day about expecting more from people in regards to how things are handled, including their own responsibility, and being decent and fair with other people. We expect companies we deal with to act ethically and to listen to their customers’ concerns. We expect the authority we go to for help to listen to us and be honest. We expect the law and the judicial system to be fair and unbiased. We expect when we ask things from God we’ve been dreaming for, that good things will come, not horrible, ghastly things.

And then we are deeply disappointed.

I have clarity on a BIG LESSON. You shouldn’t expect something different from people or systems who are very dysfunctional and have no desire to learn, grow or change. My problem has been that I expected a different result, whether from a messed-up phone company who isn’t interested in what customers want or need, the judicial system who looks the other way when people lie and are dishonest in the courtroom, or a dysfunctional church that isn’t interested in the real concerns of the congregants.

But you know what? It felt too easy to fall into hopeless mode and swim around in depression and powerlessness.

You can expect more. Not from the same dysfunctional system. No, expect more however it comes. I expect more from God. I expect more miracles. I expect more support. I expect more help. I expect more from my life and better people in it. When my life doesn’t work or things are awful, instead of being stuck there, I expect better. I expect that God wants me to be happy and have what I need. Because without that expectation, we have nothing at all, and then we have our power taken away from us from all those dysfunctional people and systems who don’t listen or care.

And one more thing…

I will say this now and then I’m finally moving forward because it’s out of me and MY VOICE IS HEARD.

1. Judge Cele Hancock of Yavapai County, I witnessed you blacken records or prosecution did and you allowed it that would support the defendant’s story so you silenced his voice and took away his power. This is a fact. In your courtroom, I witnessed several people in the prosecution lied on the stand repeatedly and there is evidence to that fact that you refused to look at. I saw this. I witnessed this. I know this. Not lies or made it. I have evidence. You know they lied, and you don’t care, or you justified it. You based your decisions on their testimony. You believed things that weren’t factual but expected from others facts and evidence. If it was my courtroom, and there was that accusation, I would at least want to look into it. You will continue to look the other way and allow your own emotional bias, issues and emotions get in the way and many, many people will suffer and have their lives stripped from them.

2. Adult Probation in Yavapai County, I witnessed you lying, avoiding, covering up and treating people horribly and getting away with it. You constantly broke the law and didn’t have ethics, and yet you represented the law. You live with these facts and dishonesty everyday. It’s your karma now. I can’t imagine what quality of life you have knowing this. You will continue to abuse the abusers with no resolve. Who is worse?

3. Verde Valley Guidance Clinic, you were well aware we were dealing with a child who had a personality disorder and more serious mental illness because the records I was mysteriously not allowed to see, read you were watching for an AXIS 2 illness early on but neglected to mention it to the parents. When we wanted another psych evaluation, or thought this, you denied us and dismissed it. You also ignored and didn’t listen to my voice and my concerns. You will most likely continue to take in serious cases you can’t handle and then when things fall apart, deny it or do damage control, rather then refer them out to qualified professionals.

3. DES in Colorado, we told you we were first time parents and what we could handle, and you knew there were serious issues but you had no problem adopting the child out. You will do it again I am sure just to get the kids out the door. You did us a disservice but you did nothing to assist the child and her life.

Unless these organizations learn, grow, and change the cycles of dysfunction they will continue over and over. I wanted to educate them, but that doesn’t work! All we have are our voices even though they want to stifle them, so we need to speak out and speak up.

And we can expect more…be able to see dysfunctional systems quicker, move away from them, and move towards healthier support.

Sometimes, things may be hopeless and you need to grieve. When Sarah got sick, I knew in my gut, this wasn’t something I could heal in anyway. She was very old after all, and the diagnosis was bad. It was time. You can feel that energy of endings, and you just submit to it.

Then there’s the miracles.

Whenever my friends are facing hopeless situations, I tell them about Cowboy Dave.

Years ago, during the time everyone had crazy adjustable mortgages, when the housing crisis occurred, we were faced with the challenge of selling our beloved home. We’d be there for four years, and truly loved it, but we felt stuck in an ever-expanding payment that was growing unreasonable. To make matters worst, my husband quit a job he truly enjoyed, but he had to make a tough decision, because he was being treated so horribly and unfairly at work, he felt he had no choice.

We went through what most folks had to go through–the awful feeling of threatening letters coming in the mail, and the overwhelming worry about losing our home. We decided to try and sell our home and went through two different realtors. Things were getting closer and closer to the wire where we were running out of time and the house would be in foreclosure.

Help arrived! A couple came to the door and handed us brochures. With smooth-butter voices they promised to take the house off our hands and hand us $10,000 to run away and start a new life. My head ached at the time, like it does when negativity is sqirming around me. I protested.

The wife’s smile turned into a straight line, and her fists gripped the couch. Her husband turned on his bully button. “You have no choice!” he yelled. He explained they were the only option and we were crazy to turn down this deal. “This is reality and how things are. You’ll walk away with nothing,” he shouted at us.

When they left, we felt bullied and destroyed. It was like a huge hole grew into the ground and we fell right down into it.

And I then got weird guidance.

We were to expect more. Expect miracles. We called the bully couple back and told them no. We were throwing ourselves into the mercy of God and the Universe. It was crazy and illogical.

Two days later, we got a phone call from the realtor. A man wanted to check out the house.

Cowboy Dave, we later affectionately called him, was another realtor from a different company. He was a little old man with a big cowboy hat and a smile that lit up the room. He let his buyer in and then explained to us that this man was given a long list of houses to consider and he pointed to ours. “This is the house I want,” he had said. He lovingly went room to room and the air popped with his excitement. We waited in anticipation for his decision.

Only a few days later, we got his offer. We made over $80,000 in our sale. This was at a time when the house crisis just began, and houses were not selling, much less for the asking price.

When I am feeling like a situation is looking beyond hopeless, I ask myself if it has that ending energy and I need to acquiesce and accept, or do I need to ask and wait for a Cowboy Dave moment.

I am learning…

Happy to report that since I expressed my upset on Social Media with how I had been treated with Customer Service at Verizon, I received a phonecall from Verizon trying to remedy the problem! Ed, my new customer service rep, was in contrast, very kind and helpful. He explained to me that he tries to put himself in the customer’s shoes and how he/she would see things. I attracted another empath! Unlike the first rep who was very shaming and assumed I did something “wrong,” he was very understanding. He corrected the problem.

This whole experience has shown me how far I’ve come in how I want to be treated in the world. A part of me would get lost in that shame space even if I had done nothing wrong, so I probably accepted that behavior in the past. (Perhaps because as a sensitive, I am very over-responsible.)

The Bad Little Girl Syndrome

I remember a year ago or so taking Emma to the old veterinarian who was excellent in knowledge but known for her cold approach. She shamed me for going to another veterinarian and even the holistic vet prior to her. She frowned at me and said kangaroo dog food would be the only food option we had and if I didn’t take her suggestion I was “wrong.” And then I was shamed at the reception counter when I complained of the extra charges that were added that I was unaware of.

I went home that day feeling like the little girl who forgot to do her chores and was punished. I had one hell of a migraine that night.

My entire adoptive parenting experience was about dealing with folks who didn’t hear me and shamed me for what they felt I “should have” done. I was treated horribly by the child, and most everyone involved, and that’s an understatement.

But obviously something huge had shifted this time around.

I found the new veterinarian and when Sarah was gravely ill, I had TWO wonderful veterinarians (including her holistic vet) aiding her in her care and HEARING me. I was told “you are doing a great job.” I had all the support on all levels I needed to take care of her in the end.

Big chunks of my life broke away where I wasn’t getting my needs met or heard. I broke away from organizations that didn’t hear me at all.  This time around when I ask for help or assistance, it’s there and it’s excellent support.

I attracted a part time job I love to do that feeds me in every way and I’m told “Just keep doing what you are doing. We love it.” What a change!

You won’t go backwards

And then there was Ed to show me this. Some folks say that the Universe gives you tests. In this case, I got a little taste of what I used to experience. I needed to stand my ground and ask for the new energy where I am now comfortable living at, and by doing so, it gave me confidence I won’t have to have those negative experiences anymore now that I had the new game plan or map for how I want my life to be like.

(screenshot from Leonie Dawson’s amazing website you need to check out)

Leonie, I just love your energy and your site. You are so filled with energy and magic and you always sound like you are having a party we all need to be a part of.

I am not a Leonie.

Here’s the thing. When I read one of Leonie’s posts and see her site, I think, “I need to do my marketing LIKE THAT.” I need to have that cute sign up form and be so smooth in my marketing, and and and…

I now have a headache. I have that feeling you get when you have a dentist appointment later in the day. I’m not an extrovert. I can be very social but there’s a difference. If I had my choice I’d probably spend most of my days in an art cave surrounded by forest and fairies and dogs just creating stuff. I have moments where I don’t even want to be near people. It’s too exhausting.

But that little voice persists. That’s how you do your marketing!

No. That’s the wrong shoes for me.

I need do everything in a way that works for me and IS me. I’m a sensitive, and an introvert and I love one-on-one connections and networking. I overwhelm with too much of anything.

But, Ronni! Everything I read about marketing says I need to do X and B and have podcasts, and….

If that works for you, I say go for it! The biggest lesson I am learning is that things should be simple, with everything. They need to flow. And flowing is different for every person.

But that voice in my head persisted. So, I did what I do–be the detective. I found evidence. Even Leonie Dawson, who started her blog in 2004, was way different and took awhile to find her shoes. You can check out her earlier 2004 blog posts on her blog.

You need time to find your own shoes.

After years and years of trying on different shoes and growing out of some, I feel I am finding the things that are easy for me and are fun that match. And hopefully, you are too. Keep doing those things. And remember to just be you.

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Anger is a good, healthy thing. It let’s you know when things are not right in your world.

Yesterday I had a pissy attack. I don’t usually care much for Twitter but it proved to be an excellent way to discharge my anger and frustration. I figured although I have over 400 followers, most of which are folks who don’t give a hoot what I do and who I am, that I was safe and could dump on my feed comfortably. It did seem to help.

Today I have some clarity. Do you ever notice that if you have one of those days, usually there’s a theme lesson that is happening. I was super angry at Verizon. This isn’t the first time my needs were ignored and I found myself with a huge overage bill that I did try to rectify but since I had upgraded online the new plan was in effect “incorrectly” so I had an extra $70.00 tacked on my bill. Not cool. I have a real problem with corporations that have different rules that don’t make much sense and don’t hear the individual. They did not earn my money nor they deserve that amount.

I was also very upset when I heard news of a situation with a former friend that was another “everyone is all happy and smiling but underneath is massive dysfunction that I can see but they won’t even talk about.” It’s the old Oleander experience I have lived with in the past. Everything is just fine, just drink the Coolaid. My usual response with both these situations is to want to scream and educate and show everyone, Hey! There’s a problem here. I want to warn people so they aren’t hurt! And I’ve lived in too many situations where I felt like I was in the middle of one of those horror movies where you are the only one seeing the evil alien behind the mask who is trying to take over Earth for destruction and no one believes you, because the alien looks just fine.

With the second situation, unfortunately, it’s not my problem. If someone’s lesson is to deal with an unhealthy individual, I can’t interfere. Unfortunately, in time, they will find that out–the mask will fall off. With Verizon, I could continue to try to convince them that there is an issue and jump up and down or I can…find a new phone company.

I often wrote about my problem with finding a good veterinarian and that situation finally shifted. I found a very kind one that will listen and is reasonable after kissing many toads that didn’t hear me or were very shaming. I guess when I look back at that situation when I was in it, I felt stuck in that endless cycle of discomfort until I got super pissy and realized I deserved to have what I needed and wanted. I didn’t have to play that dance anymore.

If my phone company doesn’t hear me I can look for one that will and that fits my needs. I don’t want to pay for a Share Everything Plan to save money when it’s just one phone!

And that toxic friend–obviously, I was in the middle of the lesson thinking I didn’t deserve more, and at the first signs of creepy behavior and red flags I should have ran the other way. Far away. Maybe that’s what I’m really upset about now. And that means no arguing, no trying to show or point out the alien in the mask, no trying to fix, or worse, heal them.

I still am fighting the urge to put up billboards for folks to stay away from certain organizations. So I finally learned that important lesson in that playing field. And some folks are still there–in school, so I need to have compassion, and not take away their schoolyard.

Spaces available in several classes. To see the catalog and sign up, go here.

Messages arrive in interesting ways…

The library had a ten cent book sale! They are demolishing the discount book building to build a brand new library building. There wasn’t much left when I arrived, but I was very attracted to this workbook immediately.

I flipped to this page.

Development of creative thinking? Elf language and create elf food? This is my kind of book.

I had goosebumps…looking at this fun book I felt back on path after getting a little knocked off. I remembered, Oh yeah. THIS IS what I love to do. Make learning fun. Engage the imagination. Drawings with stories. Maybe it was elf magic. But it gets weirder…

Last night I had a dream. I was moving out stuff from a room. I remarked how I didn’t have much furniture to move, only boxes. Inside a box I found a paper lantern. I thought in the dream, I didn’t know I had this. I forgot. I wrote in my journal the next morning:

Japanese Lantern

Here I was in the 10 cent store with few books to choose from and I had this book in my hands — the elf workbook, and on page 160 there was the exact paper lantern I held in my hands in the dream. Interesting, eh?

what I DO like – my Girls

We are all trying to “find” ourselves underneath the masks, the mud, the shoulds…

I am discovering… that a very strong voice inside of me is emerging. It’s vocal right now, and it’s loud.

We all have that voice. It’s our soul, sometimes whispering, sometimes screaming. And screaming can be through our bodies’ cries of illness or  through the complaints from our rebellious spirit.

I am discovering…that there are a lot of things I should like that I really don’t like, and I’m tired of saying I like it. Perhaps you can relate. In no particular order here’s a small list:

1. I should like Twitter, but I don’t. It’s like a fast-moving escalator with everyone screaming at once with no real connection to each other. Sometimes, there is a voice that comes through the madness you can hear but it’s like finding someone waving in a crowd in an airport. That’s too much work to find them. I also hate new followers that already have 300,000 followers and don’t give a crap who I am or what I do. 
2. Many vegetables. I eat broccoli, but it doesn’t taste great. I only like green beans that come in the can and have salt in them. I do like salads because you can add all kinds of yummy things to them and they are interesting visually.
3. Being friendly to people I don’t like. I have come to the conclusion from age and experience that you don’t need to be nice to mean or jerky people. They don’t understand it and they don’t appreciate it. Often, being nice is an invitation for them to take advantage of you.
4. Cleaning.
5. Parties. I HATE small talk. I bore easily which is probably not a good trait. I like to talk about things in depth or hear people’s stories.
6. Okay, I don’t like hearing stories about health issues. Really don’t like that. I am visual and empathic so I don’t need to hear about your last stay in the hospital where they cut into your stomach and ripped out all the bloody parts.
7. Insensitive sensitive people. These folks may not be truly sensitive, or maybe they are and they become so hardened to protect themselves they have become the insensitive people who say ridiculously insensitive stuff that comes out of their mouths like projectile vomit.
8. Surrender. It’s probably the definition I don’t like that is incorrect. And there’s lots attached to it including TRUST, but when you’ve trusted and it went horribly wrong, it’s super hard to do. Goes along with the one line I hate more than anything, “God only gives you what you can handle.” Bull poopy. The biggest bull poopy I’ve ever read. Then you feel guilty you are strong.
9. I always bitch about this. I was even thinking about making a weekly post of spiritual sayings I found that don’t really say anything, or worse, are unrealistic. They usually fall into the category of “don’t worry and just be calm and at peace even though your house is on fire,” or “think and be like a monk even though you have bills to pay and a ton of responsibilities.”
10. And finally, I’m supposed to like Facebook Biz pages…

I bitched the other day here about Facebook and ended up in the New York Times Small Business page “freeing myself from Facebook”. I think my rebellious, inner spirit called out to the rebellious spirit of the writer of that page. It was an interesting nod from the Universe/God that it’s okay for me to object to things I “should” like because everyone else says I should like it. It’s even okay to be negative! Wow, what a spiritual concept! It’s freeing. It’s empowering. Because by doing so, you walk your own path, and you learn who you are under all the mud.

We are vulnerable when we create

When we create anything, whether a piece of writing, a crayoned drawing or succulent dish, we are vulnerable. We reveal a little part of ourselves that was tucked safely away. As we grow stronger, we are able to bring even more and more of our creations into the world. What helps the most is having Validating Souls surrounding us. These folks mirror our worth back to us and support us when we stumble and step into potholes. They remind us who we really are under the costumes of what and who we think we should be.

Those potholes are the opposite of Validating Souls. They come in the form of people. They aren’t bad people by far, just different species then you. It’s like you came from the tribe of Ookie Dookies who all loved music and liked to write and were round and short. Some time long ago you wandered off from the tribe to find berries and got lost. You were found and taken in by the Ipsy Lipsies. They loved and cared for you but still look at you like you are a little strange because you aren’t into science and math and have long arms and legs. This whole other tribe doesn’t even think like you — their vision and perception have a whole other view because they wear very different glasses to see through — big red, solid frames with angular curves.

It’s hard for a sensitive person to not feel rejected when their Ipsy Lipsie tribe comes to visit and looks at you like you have three heads. They just can’t see you, not with those glasses that they wear, and that’s hard not to take it personally when you feel everything so deeply. You just want to feel accepted and that you belong.

The other day I sent out Episode 3 into the world of my web show. Those web shows are a part of me that have long been forgotten and want to be heard. I ran into an old acquaintance the other day. I sent her the link to my show that is on my new video Tumblr blog. On that blog, I share all my video creations, my sketches and my process. So far, I only share other folks’ videos there if I am truly inspired and out of all the blog posts so far, I only shared one. She wrote back thanking me profusely for sharing the link–she loved the video I posted, the video I didn’t create! My stomach fell to the floor. There wasn’t one comment about my work. I was back to being that little girl being raised by Ipsy Lipsies who had blended into the wallpaper and wasn’t seen.

To the rescue, was a few members of my Ookie Dookies. They heard my distress call from far away and came swarming in. “Loved the bird drawings, they are perfect,” my beautiful friends said. “I love your way with story.” They saw what I saw and showered me with shared visions. They speak my language.

I will remember this whenever I step into those potholes and fall deep in for several days. I will call out my distress call for my tribe. And of course, I will keep creating as I continue to grow strong.

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I love to share what I’ve learned through story that usually has some whimsical illustrations or two. If you like my writing, consider taking one of my written classes, or buying my books. You can see my story studio here.

EPISODE 2:  a story, NEW, about possibilities being born. Featured product involving fairies. And, creative idea involving visual journaling goals.

and for something fun…What I Learned from the Movies…

I’m a big movie fan and from watching lots of movies I’ve learned a great deal. There does seem to be distinct differences between the movie world and ours.

1. If you are being chased by a homicidal maniac, do not trip and fall. If you do fall, do not just lie there and shake, get the %$# up and run away even faster. 
2. If you ever hear scary music playing in the background, know that something bad is going to happen or someone who is evil or the “bad guy” just entered your picture. (Wouldn’t that be amazingly great if we were warned like that?)
3. Everything that is playing out in your life right now is like one big story. Look at the connections and the symbolism/metaphors to figure out what’s really going on.
4. Some folks are really just catalysts or bit players in your life, even plot devices, to create big action that creates big change in the end.
5. We can ask for happy endings or at least work towards them.
6. Some folks are just here to play the villains this time around. Be free to say BOOOOOO when they are around.
7. Popcorn really does make the stories in your life look more interesting. At least it tastes really good.
8. Your life might start out sad and upsetting, have lots of trauma and crisis in the middle, but in the end it all makes sense in some way (or at least makes a good movie).
9. In movie world, everyone is more productive. Unfortunately, in real life everyone has to stop and take a pee or needs to eat a few times a day. I can’t imagine Harrison Ford stopping in the middle of being chased by an enormous ball to ask where the nearest bathroom is, and in some movies, you wonder if the main character ever eats at all.
10. And in that movie world, everyone can go to sleep and wake up with their makeup on. I find this fascinating because the times I did this, I rashed out and looked quite wonky in the morning.

There you have it. Movies are very helpful in giving us a better perspective of our lives, and provide at the very least, a gratefulness that we can eat real food.

image: Dreamstime.com 

I grew up with the “don’t feel thats.”

To this day, I can see my mom on her death bed — her frail, ill body and her turbaned head, sitting next to me as we chatted. And it was the memory that still stands out of that one vulnerable moment when I courageously told her, “I don’t want you to die.” In which she answered back very angrily, “Don’t say that. You’re upsetting me,” and the talking stopped. I never did get to discuss those feelings with her, which looking back, would have probably really eased my grief process that lasted a very long time, but she wasn’t able to. Instead, I felt shame that day for bringing up my feelings.

where do they come from?

Whether it’s childhood beliefs, religious upbringing or acquired thoughts the “don’t feel thats” aren’t about you. You’ve hit a nerve with your expression of pain, that someone else doesn’t want to see or maybe isn’t ready to see.

Many “new age” beliefs tout only feeling positive thoughts to attract positive experiences, but where then, do the negative thoughts go? I know where they go.

I had learned the “don’t feel thats” early on in my life way before that day with my mom. It was safer not to feel, so a stomach or a head ache would have to express it for me instead. I was the queen of repression until I was fourteen years old and the wave of tears couldn’t be held back, erupting, when I saw my beagle dog brother collapse on the floor from kidney disease. But don’t worry, after that, I neatly put all those emotional ducks back in a row inside of me again and it wasn’t until early adulthood they reemerged as panic attacks. Those waves of ducks turned into full-blown hurricanes at that point who wanted freedom.

what you need now

Now, I am not an advocate for getting stuck in emotional states and living there. My beloved grandmother loved to live in resentment. If you slighted her, you were crossed off her list for most of eternity. But from my own experience lately, I’ve noticed that traumatic experiences do have leftover symptoms. Those stubborn feelings can’t be neatly packed away, and they reemerge at odd times like a bad case of hiccups. Thought you were over that big loss but here you are standing in Aisle 3 in Walmart crying over the frozen pancakes because they remind you of family morning breakfasts that are now gone. These wounds are still in there like little annoying paper cuts that poke and prod and they hold messages of what you need now.

I’ll be honest, I still hate emotions. I’d rather hang out in my analytic brain where there’s set order. But if I want to feel good and balanced, I need to “FEEL THAT.” Those emotions and expression may come out as petty, selfish, messy, or socially incorrect, but that’s not my problem to solve, as long as I’m not hurting anyone else. They are MINE to experience and to get to know so I CAN get to the other side. The alternative is that panic attack or the stomach ache that grows into something much, much louder, which is very possible, what my mom experienced.

Leotards vs. Tutus: rebuilding me

I recently took a ballet class. Now it’s been years since I’ve been near a ballet bar. Dancing was one of my first loves growing up. I have fond memories of my Mom driving my sister and I to the Robin Hood School of Dance from the age of five way into the self-conscious teenage time of existence.

Listening to the melodic piano music for the first time the other day, I almost burst into tears but I held them back. My body wanted to move and stretch and my legs remembered how to point and hold long balance positions. And it hurt, a lot, because I was out of practice, but it felt good at the same time. And on my way out, I caught a quick look at the mirror and I felt years of disordered-thinking flood back to me, and I was knocked out of my perfect balance hold.

School has a dress code so I reluctantly ordered two standard issue black leotards and I grumbled and thought again about the reflection I caught of my hips that had spread out from sitting on my butt for months and eating on the go working to earn my Graduate certification.  I was eye to eye with that teenage me.

I was a good dancer then which gave me pride. But I did not have a dancer’s body by a long shot. I am tiny and curvy not long and lean. And what was curves felt like fat then. My dance teacher did something stupid. He actually had a talk with my mom telling her to “work on my weight.” Ugh. What ensued after that was a lot of eating disorder thinking–I took it as a challenge to see how thin and tiny I could get. Luckily, a wiser part of me finally intervened and I was able to stop the madness. Many girls are not so lucky.

That’s what flooded into my face when I saw that dance mirror, and the anger came out at those f$#^ing leotards. The next dance class I slept through it. Inner teen was pissed and rebelling and making itself loudly known. You see, I’m a 40-something woman now, and I like my curves and my juicy pieces. I like being “woman-like.”  I saw a photo of me taken a few years back when my life sucked and fell apart and my face was gaunt, and I remember then, I couldn’t get thin enough for my taste. When that line of thinking shows up it’s not health, it’s moving away from me.

And with this experience, I realize I am rebuilding my relationship to myself. The mirror-critic chatter in my head started in those crucial years in that leotard. I was being taught from that dance teacher how to compare, contrast, and rip apart. This was education aimed the wrong way. How many of us have had this training in the classroom, at home, in the school playground? Who does it serve? The dance teacher?  I was taught to incorporate a running stream of dialogue in my head that needs to be overhauled and reprogrammed to “woman-like.”

I’m sending the leotards back and ordering a tutu. My inner teen wants one. Not to hide behind, but because Tutus fit around your hips and celebrate them. 

photo credit: State Library of New South Wales collection

In addition to my site here and my portfolio site, I wanted to create a blog for just my little videos, my new little passion. Making videos was introduced during my Full Sail experience, and I was hooked. What a great way to tell a story!

I could tell the trees’ stories.

And talk teach about how cool flower essences are, because Nature is, well, seriously cool.

I can even count birds with my dog girl.

I can even make commentaries or make movies for other people and their businesses!

Check out my video blog here and be sure to sign up for updates to watch new videos.

Looking at 2012, I keep quite a few notebooks and art journals. I’ve been spending the day perusing them and looking back at the year. Here’s my top 10′s.

Top 10 Annoyances in 2012 that Kept Me Off Path

1. Loud music from the neighbors. As I write this my poor hearing impaired neighbor is blaring his music so loud I can dance to the pounding. I think we should all pinch in and buy him a hearing aid, don’t you?
2. Negative or Mean People. The Ann Coulters of the world are the schoolyard bullies who just grew older.
3. False Gurus.
4. Boxed-in thinking: “That’s just the way it’s done,” realistic thinking that is just negative, rigid point of views that exclude people and wasting my energy getting pissed about it.
5. Maya prophecies and portals opening over Sedona.
6. Politics that give people reasons to separate.
7. The past. Mine really, really sucked those last five years. I have no desire to relive any of it anymore.
8. Bad support and bad experts.
9. False hopes.
10. Dog poop and Sarah wandering.

Top 10 “Fabulousnesses” in 2012 which Kept Me On Path

1. Music (not my neighbor’s), especially Bruno Mars’ MOONSHINE and Anthony Mazzella’s REMEMBER THE DREAM.
2. Real support from fabulous friends in person and online. Finally.
3. My girls and boys. I adore you all and your fuzzy bodies. You are my life preservers.
4. Letters from Bill screaming growth, learning and tenderness.
5. Full Sail Certification Program was such an enormous gift to me in so many ways.
6. Emails how my books, classes, or writing/art has helped or inspired others. Bliss.
7. My MAC computer. How did I go without one for so long?
8. Making videos.
9. Nature. Always.

What I leave behind willingly

SOCIOPATHS, BEING THE SCAPEGOAT, HEAVY, OTHER PEOPLE’S FEARS, OLD LESSONS LEARNED, POOR SUPPORT CREATING CARRYING, UNDERVALUING, BAD MATCHES, HIDING, FLIGHTY, ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL, ORGANIZED RELIGION THAT HURTS, SH, MONEY SHAME.

Your turn…How about you?

I just checked out this video made on the messages of 2012. There was a big conference in Sedona recently I missed because I didn’t have patience for. Watching this video gave me some big realizations.  I trusted my empath radar as I watched.

What was disappointing is some of the leaders I previously liked I wasn’t resonating with their messages and I’ll tell you why.

I want to feel EXPANSIVE, and the opposite of boxed in. I want to feel HOPEFUL.

I don’t know about you but whatever is going on in my life, I want to feel EXPANSIVE, and the opposite of boxed in. I want to feel HOPEFUL. I don’t want feel powerless victim, ever. When I am in that space, I shut down. As an empath, my greatest gift is trusting how I feel to guide me to my right radio dial of what is good for me and what is not so great for me. I listened to one speaker  and it didn’t matter what words were being said, I felt like that awful feeling in my stomach and I felt hide under the bed fearful. His words didn’t ring true inside of me.

I listened to the Swami, who by the way, resonates more to upbeat, fairy energy — and I felt good! I love the idea of laughing and feeling empowered. Hello! Who the heck doesn’t? And I really didn’t resonate to the channeled messages which basically said all the things I all ready knew. Why would I think a dead person or spirit would be more wiser or connected to wisdom/the divine then all of the rest of us? Aren’t we all able to tap into that?

What I hope we are moving more into, new age terms aside which are starting to not resonate with me, is going more into our own guidance and sense of what works or resonates with ourselves. We’re becoming guru-less. I see that with every person who takes a class or buys my book. They are accepting themselves and finding their own answers. Woo Hoo! Isn’t that goal?

You decide…watch the video and feel. Each spiritual teacher is talking from their own perspective and seeing through their own lens on life. And who you resonate with or hear simply matches how you see things.

I had to get off Facebook for awhile…

After the tragedy of the elementary school shooting, I couldn’t even bear to feel. But it was the nonsense that followed that I couldn’t let into my system anymore.

I’m going through a disillusionment period, which I think most of us are. Spiritual leaders I used to admire I am looking at with a new eye. Everyone is fighting over politics, issues and now gun control. Many of my own buttons and wounds were pushed because I do understand very much how someone can come into your life with untreated mental illness and destroy everything, so I am sure, I am feeling that backlash. And all the 2012 channelings and spiritual teachers talking of how on the 21st it will be a new dawn and we will be enlightened, etc., started to really piss me off with its lack of real information. It felt like it was all pulling back the curtains and revealing the wizard pulling a bunch of strings.

Is the darkness getting darker and fighting because we are bringing in so much light? Ask anyone who has been through trauma in their life and they will tell you they’ve seen darkness and it’s been around a long, long time. 9/11 happened quite a long time ago and destroyed many people’s lives. When I really thought about it, I saw a clearer picture. What if instead, many of us are waking up? That means we are getting it, seeing it, and instead mindlessly accepting all this madness we are speaking up and speaking out. And we were the silent few, so lots of folks want us to be silent again.

One of my favorite movies is Pleasantville. It’s about a fictional television town that is exposed to real people and starts to wake up. They are all in black and white and they become “in color.” That’s us. There’s always been corrupt politicians, democrat vs. republican fighting, traditional vs. non-traditional thinking and values, and evil vs. good. It’s the yin and the yang. If we wanted all good we would have stayed with God in heaven where it was all flowers and light and endless cupcakes. We miss that terribly. But we agreed to come down here to earth to experience that dichotomy. Call it the ego or the personality, but it’s a big part of being human and we need to accept that. When you are in a body it comes with the territory. It goes along with having to pee and eat. We wanted to learn and boy, are we ever. Probably a little more than we intended, so we are feeling rather uncomfortable.

So, no, the darkness isn’t getting darker, we’re just exposing it and bringing it out from under the table. We’re talking about it. We’re trying to heal it. We’re trying to bring in more balance. I like the idea that bringing in more light is about bringing in more knowledge and awareness. We’re being educated. And the spiritual leaders? They are trying to define it: like the rest of us, most are just trying to find an explanation for the madness and for things that don’t make any sense at all in this crazy earth plane.

*And empaths, limit your news exposure. You don’t need to tune in and carry the pain of the families in the tragedy. It’s too much for even one person to bear.

*Check out the book WHEN BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE by Harold Kushner

I’ve had my phone number now for several years. So when I started to receive calls from several health insurance companies, a car dealership and a job service asking for Mr. Barnes, I was rather confused. Turns out the man used my number on several online forms. Perhaps, he’s dyslexic and switches numbers around and his number is close to mine. Maybe he’s out to get me. Or, many, many moons ago my phone number was his and he still uses it because he doesn’t want anyone to know his new number. Any way you slice it, these kind of calls were annoying to put it mildly.

Today I graduate from Full Sail’s Graduate Certificate program in EMDT and I couldn’t be more proud. To celebrate, I have changed my phone number. I will be very selective who I share that number with this time around. No mentioning online or handing out business cards. If folks want to find me, they can find me right here and use my email. I’m online all the time anyways.

Good bye Mr. Barnes. I hope one day you find that health insurance you seem to seek. You have taught me assertiveness as I told off callers. You taught me patience as calls sporadically came in whenever you decided to have fun filling out forms online. You taught me tolerance for irritations and interruptions. You might have even give me an outlet to let off steam. I have learned my lessons. Your work is done here.

For anyone who has ever felt not enough:

New short film:

If you’d like to donate for my video-making fund:  DONATE HERE

Share if you want…your Not Enough experiences. Better yet, your More Than Enough experiences below in the comments.

Screening of The Lesson of the Blue Tree will be here 12/12! Bring your virtual popcorn and enjoy!

Loyal to others vs. Loyal to self

One of the toughest things about being an empath is you go out of your way to not hurt anyone else’s feelings. Maybe it’s a selfish thing; if that person hurts, you feel it. But it’s also from a place of compassion. You understand pain. You would never purposely inflict it. I recently was in an argument. It might very well have been my fault and I over-reacted. I had taken an email forward personally that lamented about the dangers of technology because I am going to school specifically for technology. It was one of those ill-timed emails that just happens. But like most incidents in life, the argument illuminated a bigger issue I needed to look at. During the argument, I was quick to create harmony, please, discount what I was feeling, and apologize first. I often took this role/stance as a sensitive child. Several days later after the argument, I still had a lingering unease I’m dealing with. I created peace but I stifled my voice rather than be abandoned. I didn’t want to be the bad guy or the outcast among the crowd.

This is a big shift I am making here, seeing this. Little kids please themselves so easily. But I think little empaths never had that luxury. We’d always be tuned into what others needed and were feeling. We wanted that harmony around us.

I have a problem with a certain kind of authority. I’ll give in just to please, rather than be “naughty.” I’ve decided to treat my one dog’s chronic problem holistically which has proven the more successful route. We are seeing a holistic veterinarian who hears and respects my intuition. Wow, an amazing concept! Because I haven’t returned to my conventional vet, I feel like that little shamed kid who didn’t do her homework. This pattern has become so ingrained in my emotional landscape.

Throughout my life, other people have had no problem putting themselves first. When my husband didn’t want to go to a party or an event, he’d just say no, dig his heels in and that was it. I admired his resolve that I didn’t have. I had too many “what ifs” in my head of who would be disappointed with me.

And there’s the issue. Growing up, we were never yelled at. We were disciplined with the threat of disappointment, which later felt like rejection. I can still feel that sting whenever I displease authority.

It’s time to rewire my thinking. Does any action I do please and serve me? And that’s the best and highest me. That little girl inside is terrified of being left alone. She’s the one that is scared to have a disagreeing voice. I have this vision of me being left alone in a cave to fend for myself. But in my desire to please everyone else, I’ve managed to abandon me. I’m the one who put me in that cave.

I’m the one  who put me in that cave. 

And that little girl’s perspective that if someone is angry with me they will abandon me? Some will, then that’s not really a relationship of substance or depth, if you aren’t able to communicate feelings with each other. And aren’t those relationships reflecting back the miscommunication I am having with myself?

Hey self! What serves you? What pleases you? What do you need right now? 

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from YOUR TURTLE SHELL (Coming early 2013)

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Check out the How to Survive the Holidays eBook under the BOOKS and WHAT’S NEW section

Friday starts a new session of the Fairy Online School. We always have fun and I love sharing what I’ve learned with folks so they have lots of tools and feel empowered. This year I’ve learned so much about marketing and there seems to be lots of formulas zooming around, that to me, have actually gotten me turned off from most marketing I receive. I tried some of that and I didn’t enjoy it, and it didn’t work for my tribe. All that type of marketing actually exhausted me, taking away from my creativity. So instead, I will do the Ronni method. (Okay, to be fair, I did make that funky trailer, but that was fun to make.) Classes start Friday and if you are interested and you really feel you can benefit right now with what is being offered, do sign up. I’d love to work with and assist you, and I know you will have fun. There’s a two payment option, and Paypal Bill Me Later for most classes, and many are very affordable under $60.00.

And for the many on small budgets, I offer my new TREAT SHOP, where you can pick up a tool or two for under $20.00 that can really help while still supporting the writer/artist to be able to eat..hey, that’s me! I love win-win situations.

I could bug you via email over and over until the day school starts, but I had one organization do that to me and it felt like Mom nagging me to do the dishes. Hmmm…not so much.

Look forward to working with the new students and fairy blessings to you,

Ronni

Gather up the virtual popcorn (the best kind, no calories) and check out the Trailer for Fairy Online School. The Winter One Session starts on Friday. If this doesn’t entice you, this ain’t for you. Have fun and enjoy and of course, reserve your space in class! Tell a friend.

helps you with transitions….

Antsyness

Many of my friends and students, and including myself, are finding ourselves in a transition period. You’ve cleaned and cleared out a ton of old beliefs, and other past garbage/roles that didn’t suit you, so naturally, you will feel like a different you. A different you usually translates, on the smaller scale, into a growing dislike for your current clothes, the pattern on your couch or even your haircolor. On a larger scale, you might be looking at who you hang out with, the career you chose, or the place you live. There’s an antsyness afoot!

Following antsyness can be a panic/now what? phase. This is a time of screaming at God and your Guides and the feeling you are standing over a cliff with no parachute. Not a fun place to be. But, it can also be an exciting time of exploration.

We all want to get there fast 

I think we are being asked to explore what we want instead by making baby steps forward into our new world.

We’re not being asked to rush forward blindly.

Sarah, my 15+ beagle girl, is a great teacher. At this point, she’s very blind and has some balance issues but tends to zip around the house very fast bumping into walls, furniture and other things. It’s tough to listen to and it has to hurts. “Slow it down,” I tell her. “Go slow around the corners. Feel the furniture around you. There’s no need to rush. You’ll get there.”

Recognize True Guidance

I was looking through all my notebooks the other day. I have tons and tons of diaries/notebooks I keep for future writing. Diaries are great for keeping track of good ideas and guidance you receive when asking for help. The best guidance, meaning the truest and most helpful to me, was not when I sat down in meditation, but the isolated ideas or thoughts that came through in the course of the day. I’d be standing over the sink doing the dreaded dishwashing and I’d hear some great insight on my current dilemma as I reached for more soap. It’s easy to trust it’s not your own thoughts bombarding you when your mind is focused on something as banal as dishwashing.

I’d also have some whispers from my heart that when were reoccurring were very accurate. My first thought to go back to school came as a whisper. It grew until it was a gnawing push. Then it felt like such a strong drive that if I didn’t sign up for this program I’m in, I’d feel a deep sadness and regret.

Don’t Go Backwards

Going backwards to the old roles or where it didn’t fit at this point in the transition can be super-tempting, even if it was very uncomfortable. The past at least has dirt underneath your feet you can trust and know vs. a path you aren’t sure will be there. If you head that way you are going to feel it, usually physically (headaches, stomachaches, etc.) If you do press forward on the old path, you will also feel a deeper sense of antsiness. You feel  ”the crankiness.” There’s a complete lack of patience or tolerance for what you dealt with before when you handled it with a smoldering, inner repression. Now you can’t do that one thing you really didn’t want to do. Your inner wise self will sabotage circumstances so you can’t. You may even get in trouble telling people what you really think as it just comes tumbling out with thought. Just recognize this stage when you are in it, to avoid further new damage.

And always go back to what I told Sarah, “Go slow around the corners. Feel the furniture around you. There’s no need to rush. You’ll get there.”