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Self publishing children's books.
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Gerald Hawksley here!
I have stopped sulking now, and will be announcing some new books shortly!
I just have to catch up on some stuff I said I would do for other people, and then hopefully I will have a long stretch of time to work on my own efforts.
Otto Fishblanket sends his regards, and he, too, will have some new books available soon.
I really should set up some sort of mailing list, but I am extraordinarily badly organized.
Otto here again!
Piddles the Penguin has rocketed to the Number One spot in Kindle Store , Books , Fiction , Children's Fiction , Literature , Humourous (Free books, that is) on Amazon.co.uk.
Over twenty people have downloaded my book!
Oh, rats, it's gone down to Number Two, now.
This means I have failed as an International Bestselling Author, and must lay down my pen.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE FREE BOOK WHILE YOU CAN ON AMAZON.COMCLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE FREE BOOK WHILE YOU CAN ON AMAZON.CO.UKAnd here is a picture from said sad failure of a book:
What ho! Otto here!CLICK HERE TO VIEW ON AMAZON.COMCLICK HERE TO VIEW ON AMAZON.CO.UK
Here is my new bestselling work of children's literature!
It is about a penguin called Piddles who widdles everywhere.
"Brilliant!" I hear you say, wondering why no-one has penned such a tome before. That is why I am a Bestselling Author and International Poet and you are not. (Statistically speaking it is very unlikely another Bestselling Author and International Poet is reading this. But if you are actually a Bestselling Author and International Poet, I apologize.)
It will be free, of course, for a short period, purely out of the goodness of my heart, on Monday and Tuesday. Probably this coming Monday and Tuesday, the 28th and 29th of January. But as it is only 99 cents, or 77 pence, why not buy it anyway? You can always return it if you don't like it!
Click on this rather shakily drawn cover image to view the thing on Amazon.com, or click on the links underneath!
I have decided my next bestselling book will be about penguins. Or, rather, one penguin in particular.
I am putting the chickens to one side for the moment.
As you were.
Happy New Year!
Otto Fishblanket here!
Gerald Hawksley is living on his nerves at the moment, and requests to be left in peace until he has finished the last of his Christmas chocolates.
Meanwhile, I am taking to being a bestselling famous author like nobody's business.
Stinky Santa got up to number seven hundred and something out of all Kindle books on Amazon.co.uk!
How do I follow up such rip-roaring success, you might ask?
Well, I was thinking of writing a best-selling book about chickens, as I think I mentioned previously.
But then I got to thinking about penguins as well.
You can see my dilemma.
Write about both, you might say!
This has crossed my mind. But which would be the most best-selleringest? Which do I turn my recently discovered best-selling author's brain to first?
You can see this is not a job to be envied. This decision will take much staring out of the window at the cows in the field.
You will, of course, be the first to be informed when I have made my choice.
A BIG THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS BOUGHT OUR BOOKS IN 2012!
We really appreciate your support, and hope you have a cracking Christmas and a splendiferous New Year!
All the best from me, Gerald Hawksley
(and me, Otto Fishblanket!)
Well, what do you know?
(Fishblanket poking his ugly mug in again, here)
Stinky Santa is back up to Number 5 in Kindle Store > Books > Fiction > Children's Fiction > Literature > Humourous on Amazon.co.uk!
I'll get them to put the goldplating back on the Rolls.
This turning out to be a rollercoaster ride! A goldplated rollercoaster ride!
Who'd have thought that I would be such an outstanding success as an author!
I have sold 154 books since publication at the start of December on Amazon.co.uk! That is £40.04, if my calculations are correct. I wouldn't have believed it if you had said that I could earn that much from my literary efforts. I am astounded! It is a shame it will all end come December 25th. But in the meantime I can bask in the glorious knowledge that I am a Number 5 (in my category on amazon.co.uk) bestselling author.
I'd better get on with my chickens book pronto!
Fishblanket reporting back!
The Hobbit film was ok. Lots of ugly creatures and lots of noisy fighting.
My Stinky Santa free promotional giveaway day was a bit of a Curate's Egg .
I have gained more five star reviews (in the USA - eight 5 star reviews now!) but I have
(obviously, I suppose, as I have had a day with no sales) slid down the bestseller charts.
From a high of Number 5 before I started free day down to Number 17 (in children's fiction literature humourous, UK).
So hopes of buying Mrs Fishblanket a Christmas present are fading fast, and I have asked for the goldplating to be removed from my Rolls Royce (I can always get it goldplated again later, if my fortunes improve).
(I didn't know there was a Mrs Fishblanket - GH)
Not many people do.
(But she doesn't live with us in the castle - GH)
Aah! Doesn't she?
(You mean you have a secret wife stowed away in the castle? - GH)
Anyway. I digress. I need more people to buy my Stinky Santa book. Preferably before Christmas.
Oh, PS. I had written my new book about chickens. But it wasn't good enough, so I have torn it up and started again. My muse visited me last night with a new chicken book idea, anyway. I usually wake up about 3 a.m. worrying about stuff, and that's, coincidentally, when my muse pops into my head.
Well. Another day, another update from Otto Fishblanket's publishing empire!
I have again exceeded my own expectations. I am now having my Rolls Royce goldplated.
Stinky Santa has sailed past the 100 sold mark on amazon.co.uk, and I am sitting on a great big pile of stinky cash! (£29.90, if you really want to know)
To celebrate this milestone in my self-publishing success, I will be offering an early Christmas gift!
Tomorrow, Monday 17th December, for one day only, Stinky Santa will be free!
Grab it while you can! (Unless you have already bought it - in which case, persuade someone else to grab it!)
Save 77p (or 99 cents)! It won't be offered for free again until next Christmas!
No news on my chickens book yet. I am awaiting a visitation from my Muse. That is how it works. I am merely a conduit.
There will be no update from me tomorrow, as I am going to the cinema with Mousington and Lord Treacle to see the new Hobbit film.
Click on the cover to be whisked off to Stinky Santa's home on Amazon.com!
Six 5 star reviews so far on Amazon.com! (Plus two 4 star and one 1 star)
Three 5 star reviews on Amazon.co.uk!
|Stinky Santa Christmas ebook for kids! |
CLICK HERE TO VIEW ON AMAZON.COMCLICK HERE TO VIEW ON AMAZON.CO.UK
Well, after a little wobble I am going from strength to strength!
Hopefully this will give some inspiration to struggling poets and artists out there. (Well, struggling poets, anyway.)
I am (or rather Stinky Santa is) number 6 in the category thingummyjig > wotsit > and the rest > humourous on Amazon.co.uk.
And I am rapidly approaching a self-publishing milestone. Yes, I have sold 94 books so far this month!!!! Nearly 100!!!!!
That is £24.44 in cold hard cash!!!!
So help me out, I just need to sell another 6 books to reach 100! Then perhaps Amazon will send me a certificate or something.
Don't worry - I shall keep updating you on my bestseller progress right up to Christmas day!
I have decided, after much soul searching and many sleepless nights, that my next book will be about CHICKENS.
****END OF NEWSFLASH****
PS. And a big thank you to whomsoever bought my book.
PPS. And a big thank you to those who bought stuff from Amazon.com after clicking any of the Amazon links on this blog. (If you are thinking of buying anything whatsoever from Amazon, if you visit Amazon via the links on this blog and then purchase something within 24 hours, Gerald Hawksley gets a small percentage of the final price because he is an Amazon affiliate! At no cost to you! No obligation, of course.)
Perhaps you would like to treat yourself or a loved one to this, perhaps:
6.15 CT Fancy Yellow and Pink Diamond Diamond Ring (FYCU 4.02ct, RD 0.67ct, Pink 0.57ct, FYRD 0.89ct)
Or maybe this. Mind you there is only one left in stock at the moment, so you had better hurry: Cyclone 4006 - Ultra High Pressure Hard Surface Cleaner, 40,000 psi water with Full Recovery
Hello, Fishblanket here, with latest update!
Well, Stinky Santa is still Number 7 in humourous children's literature bestseller list on Amazon.co.uk!
Have now sold 74 copies this month!!!
That means £19.24 in my pocket!!!
Am wondering whether to up my price from 77 pence to 99 pence. But perhaps that is being too greedy.
But looks like I am going to beat my target!!! I may upgrade my target to £2 a day!
Perhaps a bit ambitious. Maybe £1.50 a day. That would mean £37.50 by December 25th!!
It gives me goosebumps even thinking about it!!!
That would mean I could buy Mrs Fishblanket a Christmas present!!
Here is a picture from Stinky Santa!
|Hello from Stinky Santa!|
Well. Fishblanket here with latest bestsellerdom update, as promised.
I have dropped out of the top 100 children's ebooks on amazon.co.uk. That was short lived. Grrrr!
But I am number 7 in Kindle Store > blah > blah > etc> humourous.
Have now sold 66 copies, though. which equals £17.16. Hoorah, anyway!
That means so far I am meeting my target of £1 per day sales!!!
PS. More updates to come (hopefully).
What a day!
Stinky Santa is now Number 85 out of all children's ebooks on Amazon.co.uk!
What will tomorrow bring?
For inspiration, I shall let you into some of the mindboggling numbers involved. It certainly beats working for a living!
As of this moment, since publication on December 1st, Stinky Santa has sold 46 copies on Amazon.co.uk!
That means, as my royalty on each book sold is 26 pence, so far this month I have cleared £11.96!
My target for December 25th is to make £25, or £1 a day. So spread the word, and help me out, won't you?
What happens after December 25th, I don't know. Probably not much demand for a Christmas book. I shall have to write another book. Perhaps a Valentine's Day title?
I will update you on my progress.
If you are wondering what has happened to Gerald Hawksley, he is eating biscuits and sulking. Jealous of my success, I suppose.
Here is an update on my previous post.
I'm ordering my Rolls Royce now!
PS. I bet Walliams is gutted, because my book hasn't got many words in it, and his has got tons. And he paid for a proper illustrator, too, so his book hasn't got rubbish illustrations either. Tee hee!
|I am a genius bestselling author, so there!|
Just to share my mad, crazy as stinky stinkpants news! What a giddy life I am now leading. I don't know why I didn't think of becoming an author before!
My authorial debut Stinky Santa is racing up the charts like nobody's business. If you go to Amazon.co.uk and find your way to Kindle Store > Books > Fiction > Children's Fiction > Literature > Humourous you will see! I am now cuddling up to David Walliams in the UK bestsellers chart! See the screenshot below!
I know! I can't believe it either!
I have now made a whole £8 from UK sales! Goodness knows what that Walliams chap must be raking in! I would have thought he would have made at least £20 by now, if not more!
|Look at me! I'm a bestselling author!|
Here is an interview with Otto Fishblanket, author of Stinky Santa.
Gerald Hawksley (me): Hello, Otto.
GH: How are you today?
Otto: Very well, thank you for asking.
GH: I see your Stinky Santa book is doing very well. A lot of people are downloading it for free.
Otto: Yes. I must say I am pleased and surprised at the number of people that are downloading my book for free. I have had some nice reviews.
GH: And you had a one star review, too. They said they didn't like it that you were mean about Santa.
Otto: Yes. Although I did not mean to court controversy.
GH: What is your favourite sort of cake?
Otto: My favourite cake is Battenberg.
GH: Oh. I find that a bit sickly. I am not that fond of marzipan. I am partial to a nice Victoria sponge.
Otto: I know. A bit too partial, if you ask me.
GH: What is it like being a famous author? Are you going to give up your part-time cheese-mongering business?
Otto: I think the cheese-mongering can be put on the back-burner for the time being.
GH: Are you going to write any more books?
Otto: I am going to write 50 more books next year.
GH: That is a lot of books.
Otto: I am very talented.
GH: Can I illustrate them? If I give you some Battenberg cakes?
Otto: I'll think about it.
GH: I rode a bicycle once. Have you ever done anything exciting?
Otto: My whole life has been a rollercoaster of thrills and derring-do.
GH: What can you see out of your window?
Otto: I can see a field with cows in it.
GH: Do you like trains?
Otto: I once lived on a train for a whole year.
GH: But now you live in a castle?
GH: With me and Mousington and Lord Treacle.
Otto: Yes. You can see the field with cows in it, too.
Otto: Shall we go and have some cake?
GH: Yes. Thank you for the interview. It was very informative. I'm sure your fans will appreciate it.
Otto: I'm sure they will.
Fishblanket here - never mind Happy Hat Day, Stinky Santa Christmas ebook is going free again!
Stink Santa is FREEEEEEEEEEE! today and tomorrow!
Hoorah for Stinky Santa!
Hoorah for FREE CHRISTMAS EBOOKS FOR CHILDREN!!!!!!
CLICK HERE TO VIEW ON AMAZON.COMCLICK HERE TO VIEW ON AMAZON.CO.UK
Well, thank you everyone what bought my book!
I hope you enjoyed it! I will write more soon!
I have to put it free again now, because that is what authors do nowadays.
Amazon has somewhat changed the landscape as far as us self-publishing types are concerned.
I am still trying to work it out, but I think I have grasped what they are up to, particularly as far as children's ebooks are concerned.
In the meantime, here is another picture from Stinky Santa, and the book is free tomorrow and Saturday, the 7th and 8th of December!
CLICK HERE TO VIEW ON AMAZON.COMCLICK HERE TO VIEW ON AMAZON.CO.UK
|Stinky Santa in bed with his stinky dog and his stinky cat|
Here is stinky Santa's cat, Tiddles
|Stinky Santa's cat, Tiddles|
The worst thing about Tiddles, I think,
is when Tiddles widdles in the sink.
Here is a picture of stinky Santa's dog.
|Stinky Santa's stinky dog|
He has been out in the rain, so he is extra stinky.
|A Christmas cake for Santa!|
From Jake Bakes Cakes
Here is a smelly Christmas Elf from Stinky Santa, my new Christmas book!
|A smelly Christmas elf says "Hi!"|
I am Stinky Santa
I stink like mouldy cheese
I have a smelly beard
And spots upon my knees
|Hello, I am Stinky Santa!|
Stinky Santa, a very smelly Christmas ebook for children. Only 99 cents!!!CLICK HERE TO VIEW ON AMAZON.COMCLICK HERE TO VIEW ON AMAZON.CO.UK
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Otto Fishblanket here again!
Here is another "illustration" from my new Christmas book!
It's a fine life being an author, I have decided.
Obviously I don't need the money or the fame, as I have both of those in abundance already.
It is more the satisfaction of knowing millions of people will be reading my books, and having their lives made the better for it.
Merry Christmas! And do download my book while it is free.
When it has finished being free it will only cost you 99 cents anyway, and if I you purchase enough of them I might even buy Hawksley a mince pie for his efforts at illustrating it. Seasonal spirit, and all that.
Anyway, as promised here is the picture of Santa in the bath:
|Stinky Santa in the bath|