So, today, I was trying to imagine what a bunch of children's authors writing porn might be like. Yes, yes, I get bored easily and have to find ways to amuse myself. I live in Maine after all and it's snowing and the highlight of my day is watching a barge pull dredge drudge up the river and out to sea.
I figure, if I scare everyone right now, I'll alienate my two readers that are out there. Yeah, that's you mom!
The Children's Writers’ Sex Book Collaborative Workshop
Attempt No. 1
The Great Published One with Movie Rights optioned out to Disney said, “Let’s write a sex book.”
The others said okay-dokey.
“A collaborative sex book?” giggled He-Who-Writes Choose-Your-Own-Adventure-Books. “How perfect.”
“Very smart. Come on, let’s start,” said She-Who-Always-Rhymes.
“Yay!” said the rest, clapping their hands and whipping out their laptops. “Yay! Yay! Yay!”
They sat and they sat and they sat some more and then the one with the Newbery Honor Book who sings opera and likes to write things about large amphibians eating taco pizza raised his hands with the elongated fingers and said, “Um, has anyone actually ever copulated?”
“If anyone here has ever actually gotten jiggy with it, please raise their hand,” said the Great Published One trying to be hip and respond to the younger demographic.
No one raised their hands.
Attempt No. 2
On the next day, after a very exciting night, She Who Writes in Rhymes (about little people lost in big woods with scary bears) came into the workshop holding Newberry Man’s hand and said with a satisfied smile on her face, “I’m ready, Freddy. I’ve tossed out my teddy.”
“Hee. Hee. Hee,” said He-With-A-Newberry.
She punched him in the arm and giggled. He punched her back and began tickling at which point She-Of-Many-Peaceful-Picture-Books yelled, “No violence!”
Everyone stopped giggling and got down to work.
“How about, ‘If you give a man a penis…chances are …he’s going to use it,” said the Great Published One.
“Oohh…I like it,” said Newberry Man.
“No! How about… ‘I think I can. I think I can. I think I can,’” said Great Published One.
“Even better!” said Rhyming Girl laughing hysterically. “That was him, last night, that was him… to the letter!”
“Not very funny!” Newberry Man pulled on his duck boots and stomped out of the room.
“Now you’ve done it,” said Peaceful Picture Books. "You have injured his already fragile ego, adding to the negative vibratory essence of the world."
“I only meant it in a good way,” said Rhyming Girl, still snorting. “It might not have been his day.”
The Great Published One giggled, smached his hands together and said, "She said, 'vibratory.' Did you hear her? She said, 'vibratory.'"
Attempt No. 3
“Here, I’ve got it,” said Newberry Man in clear operatic well-modulated tones. “Once upon a time there was a homosapien male of the species who was attending to his natural hormone-induced needs when he came upon a strange female homosapien who preferred to wear baggy wool sweaters covered with cat fur and hairballs rather than interesting lingerie items. Being desperate, he didn’t care. ‘Let’s copulate!’ He said. She agreed and they trounced off to a pasture where overcome with the impeding actual fulfillment of his desires, he began to fixate upon various aspects of his performance, thus creating an almost untenable situation…”
The writer/illustrator stood up, “That’s not a very exciting visual, dude. Let’s go down some B-52 shots.”
Attempt No. 4
The Great Published One looked upon the masses before him and sighed, “How about this?”
He proceeded to read from his IBook screen.
“Let’s have a sex party.
A real sex party.
Big sex. Little sex.
Black sex. White sex. Yellow sex. Green sex.
Lots and lots of sex going to a sex party. A real sex party.”
The laptops were silent and then there was a hearty round of applause and then She of Peaceful Picture Books said, “Perhaps the use of colors as descriptive adjectives might in fact be discriminatory in nature…Or maybe you are leaving some colors out as an example of your own white-dominated schema. Why not red sex? Why not blue sex? Why not rainbow colored sex?”
The Great Published One threw his IBook at her and said, “Let’s call it a day and go do some research.”
“Yay!” said the masses of children’s book writers. “Yay! Yay! Yay!”
Attempt No. 5
“I think, perhaps, we have been going about this all wrong,” said Newbery Honor. “Instead of worrying about the text, why don’t we start off with a title? Any suggestions?”
“Make Way for Orgasms,” suggested Rhyming Girl. “Orgasms… orgasms.. .What rhymes with orgasms! Oh! Intense Spasms!”
“Too obvious.” Great Published One pondered, “How about Charlotte’s Website?”
“I know!” Newberry Man pointed in the air emphatically to make sure everyone was paying attention. “Bi-curious George!”
Rhyming Girl nodded, “Perfect.”
“Time for research?” asked the Great Published One.
“Yay!” said the authors. “Yay! Yay! Yay!”
Here it is...my first ever live journal entry. For some reason, it's actually more frightening than the first page of a new story. Maybe that's because someone other than my adviser might actually read this. Hey. Three people is a big audience for me.