Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

Rebecca sends the first chapter for These Two Seas, a YA romance.  Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.

“As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end, Amen,” Amelia muttered, as she climbed the last steps to the top floor of St. Paul Central High School. She shifted the load of textbooks in her arms and started down the corridor. “Hail Mary, full of --”

The washroom door opened. Two young women came out: shop girls, judging by their matching sailor blouses, in night school to pick up some office skills. They stared at Amelia as they walked by. She smiled and nodded. They giggled. Fine. They could make themselves popular by crowing about the teacher who talked to herself.

Praying looked eccentric; she’d admit that. Back in her student teaching days, nothing short of divine assistance could have gotten her to stand before a room full of strangers and pretend to know what she was doing. Two years on, she no longer fought the urge to run every time she approached a classroom, but the ritual had stuck.

… now and at the hour of our death, Amen. Outside Room 305, she paused again. A middle-aged man in a gray suit stopped and made a short, stiff bow.

“May I help you?” he said.

“Would you mind getting the door?”

He grabbed the knob and stepped back. As she went in, he pulled a slip of paper from his jacket pocket and glanced at it.

Nope

Good, crisp writing, a clear voice, an immediate scene—but, for me, not much in the way of tension. There really aren’t any story questions of any significance on the first page. The man who opens the door for her doesn’t figure into the story in the first chapter. I read through it, but found mostly backstory and a portrayal of her life. Toward the end was backstory on a love affair, but that didn’t lead to anything happening to Amelia in this chapter that made her do anything other than go to bed that evening. I think this is well-written throat-clearing, and you need to start later, at the point where the story begins. This isn’t it. On the other hand, there wasn’t really anything to pick in the writing, that’s fine.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

As an independent editor of book manuscripts, I feel compelled to say I think Ray Rhamey's "Flogging the Quill" is the best how-to book I've read about writing since I was assigned Strunk & White's "Elements of Style" in freshman journalism class 50 years ago. Especially useful for writers of fiction and memoir. I'm urging all my authors to get it.”   Frank Zoretich

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

In addition to editing and writing, I do book design, too, both covers and interiors. I've worked for a small publishing company for a couple of years, and the occasional independent author comes along. Here are the latest of the latter.

Hookernomics is a title suggested by an FTQ reader (whose name I've lost) is non-fiction, ebook-only cover. It's about the business of sex, and I thought the art of a red light worked pretty well for catching attention and lending subtext.

Collected Works is a private book, not available for sale, and at the far end of the spectrum from the first book. It is a book of poetry published in memory of my client's mother. I learned that she had, long ago, kept poems in what she called her "lavendar box," and that was the thought that led to this cover. It's a hard-cover book, and the cover is a "dust cover" with flaps on the inside.

It was a very short book--there weren't a lot of poems--and many of the poems were about one page long. So the interior design for Collected Works uses spreads, graphics, and white space to display her art.

Lastly, a lively, funny "food memoir" by a Jewish author. What else but Kosher Sutra would do? The art I found foreshadows the book nicely--lively, fun, and food (there are some delicious-sounding recipes in it).

Samples of other full cover designs are here.

For what it's worth,

Ray

Tweet

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

I'm off to do my Killer First Page workshop at Write on the River in Wenatchee this weekend. It should be an interesting session--34 people submitted first pages. Even though the workshop is a little over 2 hours long, we'll have to go through them at a rate of about every 4 minutes. It'll be a true immersion. I'm looking forward to it.

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

Laura sends the first chapter for Yellow Bike, a YA romance.  

“I just don’t see why you couldn’t make it work,” Violet rasps. She pours Jell-o with the precision of someone measuring liquid explosives. Her long plastic fingernails shine red, white, and blue, the commemorative paint chipping from last week’s holiday.

I smile and sigh. “It wasn’t my call, Vi,” I say. “I was all for making it work. He was not.” I spin the stool around and clunk another roll of silverware into the bucket on the counter. The brunch rush is over- two couples linger over coffee. Both are Violet’s tables. “’We’re in high school,’ remember? ‘We’re not married.’” I laugh but it still smarts a little. I re-adjust my apron and start on my next silverware roll.

“Plus, he has a crooked smile,” pipes in Fannie’s voice from the grill. She pokes her rosy, round face into the pass-through window. “He’s a charmer for sure, but you can’t trust a boy with a crooked smile.”

“Exactly! Thank you, Fannie. See that, Vi? Crooked smile.”

“What was wrong with that boy from last week?” Violet has found her one true love- Rex, her husband of twenty years- so now she and Fannie are determined to find mine.

“He was…” He was covered in ATV-thrown dirt and he called me ‘Babe.’ And I think he was thirty. He tipped 78 cents. “He was… something else.”

The concept of personal matchmakers is pleasing in theory. In practice, it’s turned out to (snip)

Nope

I like the writing and the voice, and that we’re starting with a real scene. The banter is well done. The only things missing from the story list above are story questions and tension. Oh, there’s the question of whether or not she will eventually succeed in romance, but that’s hardly compelling at this point. The dialogue delivers backstory in a fun way, but it’s still backstory, and thus set-up.

In the chapter, a handsome couple of guys her age come in and she waits on them. One is drop-dead handsome. The twist at the very end of the chapter that would have gotten me to keep turning the page is that she discovers that he is deaf. That promises complications and a social issue to deal with. If there was a way to get that on the first page, it would be a strong opening. We would all be wondering how she was going to handle that, a good story question.

I will admit that I’m not the target reader, and this opening might engage a female YA audience just fine—but getting tension and a story question on the page would be so much stronger. Brief technical notes:

“I just don’t see why you couldn’t make it work,” Violet rasps. She pours Jell-o Jell-O with the precision of someone measuring liquid explosives. Her long plastic fingernails shine red, white, and blue, the commemorative paint chipping from last week’s holiday. What is she pouring the Jell-O into? It turns out into serving glasses on a tray. Give us the whole picture.

I smile and sigh. “It wasn’t my call, Vi,” I say. “I was all for making it work. He was not.” I spin the stool around and clunk another roll of silverware into the bucket on the counter. The brunch rush is over- two couples linger over coffee. Both are Violet’s tables. “’We’re in high school,’ remember? ‘We’re not married.’” I laugh but it still smarts a little. I re-adjust my apron and start on my next silverware roll. The last sentence really doesn’t contribute. Save it for tension. Also, I wasn’t sure what a “roll of silverware” was, but I did get “silverware roll” as silverware rolled up in a napkin. This detail could be clearer.

“Plus, he has a crooked smile,” pipes in Fannie’s voice from the grill. She pokes her rosy, round face into the pass-through window. “He’s a charmer for sure, but you can’t trust a boy with a crooked smile.”

“Exactly! Thank you, Fannie. See that, Vi? Crooked smile.”

“What was wrong with that boy from last week?” Violet has found her one true love--Rex, her husband of twenty years--so now she and Fannie are determined to find mine.

“He was…” He was covered in ATV-thrown dirt and he called me ‘Babe.’ And I think he was thirty. He tipped 78 seventy-eight cents. “He was… something else.” The style publishers use is “Chicago,” in which numbers under 100 are generally spelled out. While this dialogue does go to character—her taste in boys—it’s about someone who isn’t in the story. Why not make it someone who is?

The concept of personal matchmakers is pleasing in theory. In practice, it’s turned out to (snip)

I’d give up the fun details and description to get a serious story question on the page.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“I'm a writer want-to-be working on my first novel. I've read four creative writing books and I think that Ray's book has been the most helpful and easiest to understand.”   HMS

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

Shannon sends the first chapter for The League, a fantasy.  

The sky was an indulgent blue, broken only by garlands of delicate clouds. But the hulk blocking the cobbled road stopped her dead. The midday sun behind the man crowned his fair head with a ring of light while shadows masked the features of his face. Where the hell did he come from? The field of gnarled oaks to her left or the fence thick with ivy on her right? Either could easily conceal a man. She should have paid better attention. Anna licked her lips and side-stepped toward the split-rail fence. The man mirrored her movement like a misshapen shadow. When she loped left, he ducked along and emitted a grating chuckle as if they were playing an innocent game of keep away.

Acorns dropped and bounced along the grassy knolls, harmonizing with the creek’s gurgle and the high-pitched chicka-dee-dee-dee-fee-bee from the birds in the shrubs. Needling chills slithered along her spine despite the warmth of the sage-scented valley. The dagger pressed against the small of her back. All she had to do was slip a hand along her waist and there’d be one less marauder roaming the hills. A breeze swirled between them and the strangers’ hair waived around like those sea anemones in her father’s musty books. Her own strands escaped her hat and batted her cheeks and eyes. “Outta my way, you stupid thing.” She flicked her hair and squinted to size-up her impassible threat.

Yes

I liked the voice and a conflict has been set up, plus a little mystery as to who the man is. I could do with a little less of the descriptive stuff on the first page, though, and there were some errors. Notes:

The sky was an indulgent blue, broken only by garlands of delicate clouds. But the hulk blocking the cobbled road stopped her dead. The midday sun behind the man crowned his fair head with a ring of light while shadows masked the features of his face. Where the hell did he come from? The field of gnarled oaks to her left or the fence thick with ivy on her right? Either could easily conceal a man. She should have paid better attention. Anna licked her lips and side-stepped toward the split-rail fence. The man mirrored her movement like a misshapen shadow. When she loped left, he ducked along and emitted a grating chuckle as if they were playing an innocent game of keep away. While I don’t mind starting the occasional sentence with “but” or “and,” it needs to tie into the previous sentence, and I don’t see the relationship here. Also, "hulk" is a bit non-specific. I didn't picture a person at first, I thought it was some kind of object.

Acorns dropped and bounced along the grassy knolls, harmonizing with the creek’s gurgle and the high-pitched chicka-dee-dee-dee-fee-bee from the birds in the shrubs. Needling chills slithered along her spine despite the warmth of the sage-scented valley. The dagger pressed against the small of her back. All she had to do was slip a hand along her waist and there’d be one less marauder roaming the hills. A breeze swirled between them and the strangers’ stranger’s hair waived waved around like those sea anemones in her father’s musty books. Her own strands escaped her hat and batted her cheeks and eyes. “Outta my way, you stupid thing.” She flicked her hair and squinted to size-up size up her impassible threat. The first sentence in this paragraph is long enough and  unrelated enough to the action to stop the momentum for me. You’ve initiated a conflict, get on with it.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“If you're thinking of writing a novel, put this one in your shopping cart and read it before you start. 'Flogging the Quill' is filled with advice on improving your writing and story telling, but the difference is numerous examples showing you what works and what doesn't. A bonus near the end is ten 'workouts.' These are samples of writing for you to review, critique, and edit. 'Flogging the Quill' is that rare how-to book that tells you what to do, shows you how to do it, and then gives homework to develop your writing and revising skills.”   Anderson

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Self-published novelist R.L. Mathewson initially published Playing for Keeps on Smashwords with a plain blue and white cover, but saw a significant sales spike in the iBookstore once she added a steamy Shutterstock photo to her cover

Smashwords founder Mark Coker had this to say:

“The new covers caught the readers eye and it helped clear up any confusion they may have had about the books. The new cover along with the price helped the books sell. I would say that you should avoid covers that cause confusion, are horrible to look at, too plain, or too over the top. You don’t need to spend a lot of money to get a good cover, but you do need something that can help draw attention to your book and intrigue someone to take a chance on your work.”

For what it's worth.

Ray

Tweet

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

In addition to editing and writing, I do book design, too. I've worked for a small publishing company for a couple of years, and the occasional independent author comes along. Here are the latest of the latter.

Hookernomics is a title suggested by an FTQ reader (whose name I've lost) is non-fiction, ebook-only cover. It's about the business of sex, and I thought the art of a red light worked pretty well for catching attention and lending subtext.

Collected Works is a private book, not available for sale, and at the far end of the spectrum from the first book. It is a book of poetry published in memory of my client's mother. I learned that she had, long ago, kept poems in what she called her "lavendar box," and that was the thought that led to this cover. It's a hard-cover book, and the cover is a "dust cover" with flaps on the inside.

It was a very short book--there weren't a lot of poems--and many of the poems were about one page long. So the interior design for Collected Works uses spreads, graphics, and white space to display her art.

Lastly, a lively, funny "food memoir" by a Jewish author. What else but Kosher Sutra would do? The art I found foreshadows the book nicely--lively, fun, and food (there are some delicious-sounding recipes in it).

For what it's worth,

Ray

Tweet

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

Charles sends the first chapter for Long Walk Home.  

Operation: Iraqi Freedom. Day: 565. Time: 0912.

From a bench inside a corrugated steel shack, Polk watched as dozens of Iraqi civilians marched behind a roll of barbed concertina wire. They waved handmade signs and banners, and screamed inaudible curses to the US-led occupation while dressed like rejects from a Gap commercial.

Hardy and Baker had squeezed onto the bench on either side of him. In the physical prime of their lives, they had amassed thick muscles across their arms, chests, and shoulders. “That hajji looks exactly like Osama bin Laden,” said Baker, as he chugged from a bottle of Gatorade. “I should shoot him out of principle.”

“Every day for the past week he’s worn the same gay man purse on his shoulder,” said Hardy. A cigarette dangled from his lips.

“We’ll have to ask Rimjob how to say ‘gay man purse’ in German,” said Polk. The other guys laughed.

A watch beeped.

“Fuck.” He removed his ballistic goggles and wiped a bandana across his face. “I can’t wait to get the fuck out of here.”

“I hate to admit this, but I miss my family,” said Baker.

Nope 

While this scene feels very authentic, what’s happening here? Guys talk. They’re in a war, so of course there is jeopardy somewhere, but there’s none specific to this scene. The writing is good, and I like the voice.

I looked through later pages and have put together material that I think would have gotten me to turn the page with a “what happens next” question in my mind. One nitpick: the following narrative includes a word I’d never seen, “Ogaf.” I Googled it and one reference was to an acronym that means “Old guys and friends.” Another was also for an acronym, but this meant “Opérations groupées d'aménagement fon.” Neither made sense to me. The point: if you use words a reader is unlikely to know, define it in context.

So what do you think of this as an opening?

Dozens of Iraqi civilians marched behind a roll of barbed concertina wire in Ameriya Square, a busy Baghdad traffic circle subdivided by concrete t-walls and sand filled mesh barriers. They waved handmade signs and banners, and screamed inaudible curses to the US-led occupation.

Polk gripped his rifle, nestled the stock into the crook of his elbow, and held it in front of his chest. “Eight hours,” he said. “Bullshit.” He sighed, and stepped into the blazing sun.

He rejoined the perimeter of troops who paced the wire barrier. He stood five feet away, his rifle at the ready, his finger rested above the trigger, and the safety off, as he began to scan the growing crowd for weapons or hidden explosives.

Eight more hours; fucking bullshit.

“Allahu Akbar!”

Someone hidden in the crowd had shouted. Polk raised his arm as hajjis pushed against the wire. “Hold position!” he said. “Ogaf!”

“Allahu Akbar!”

Polk felt his stomach turn cold.

A flash -- light, heat, noise. Something punched him in the chest. His head spun, he smacked the ground, a bolt of lightning shocked his tailbone. A few sounds registered: yelling, screaming, screeching tires.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“A wealth of advice backed up by numerous examples and explanations. Ray doesn't just give you the "rules" of writing, but also gives you an understanding of why you shouldn't break the rules . . . and examples of times when it's a good idea to break them. Ray's book deals with storytelling, description, dialogue, techniques, words to avoid, and workouts that help writers to understand how to critique their work and others. He also delves into how to hook your readers and make them care about your story and its character through building tension, raising story questions, perfecting your narrative voice, writing with clarity, setting the scene, and developing your characters. This book is well worth the price of admission.”   Joseph

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Friend of the blog Tony DiMeo sent a link to In a post titled Something Has to Happen by author Alexandra Sokoloff.  She offers choice observations, insights, and tips on what’s needed in your novel’s opening to keep the reader reading. You’ve heard much of this from me, but I thought a fresh perspective might help.

Although her blog is titled Screenwriter Tips and she is the author of Screenwriting Tips for Authors (and Screenwriters), Alex is also the Thriller Award-winning and Bram Stoker, Anthony, and Black Quill Award-nominated author of supernatural thrillers and other fiction.

In reading through a bunch of thriller ebooks, Alex noted this:

There was something I was noticing in book after book that I started and then discarded last night that was just a structural error that could so easily have been fixed to - I think - increase the number of people who would want to keep reading. It's pretty simple, really.

I couldn't figure out what the book was about.

Or why I should care, either.

Sound familiar? She notes the following (there’s a lot more about each item on her post, this is just a  listing of the things she discusses):

Reading a bunch of first chapters in a row points out a lot of common errors, actually. 

1. Inexperienced writers almost inevitably START THEIR STORIES IN THE WRONG PLACE.
2. NEVER MIND THE FUCKING BACKSTORY!!!!!
3. IDENTIFY THE SENSATION AND EXPERIENCE YOU WANT TO EVOKE IN YOUR READER – AND THEN MAKE SURE YOU’RE EVOKING IT.
4. USE ALL SIX SENSES.

5. SHOW, DON’T TELL.
6. DETAIL THE INTERNAL DRIVES OF YOUR CHARACTER AND SET THE GENRE.

You may find her discussion useful. I did.

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“Flogging the Quill teaches true lessons about different aspects of writing, but in a way that is at once humorous and informative rather than a dry statement of facts. There are plentiful examples all throughout the book, as well as a place to practice what you've learned. In all, I highly recommend this book for people wanting to begin writing, or those who simply wish to learn how to improve their craft.”   Arwen

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

Alyssa sends the first chapter for The Twice and Future King, a YA novel. 

When I met Isabeau, I thought it was just another ordinary day. Though I suppose you can say that about any day that unexpectedly rips your life apart.

The last bell had rung, and I was trying to figure out my homework schedule as I walked across the parking lot. I couldn't decide if I should study for my chemistry test before, during, or after writing that 5-page paper about Macbeth and doing those 45 trig problems and…there she was. Leaning against my junker of a car, and tapping her fingers rhythmically on the hood. The sun painted the waves in her burnt red hair with streaks of gold, and her clothes – jeans and a sleeveless high-necked shirt – showed off her athletic figure.

My first thought? Wow, she's gorgeous. I never said it was a brilliant thought, just that it was my first one. I cleared my throat. "C-Can I help you?" Lame, I admit, but I didn't have a lot of experience talking to beautiful girls. Or any girls, really.

Her eyes locked onto mine with an electric jolt. They weren't blue or green or hazel or brown or violet – they were all of those at once, encircling her pupils with slivers of color that spiraled into her soul. "What did they call you?"

My brain did a double-check. Yep, it had heard her right. "Excuse me? What did who call me?"

"Your parents." There was the slightest of pauses between the words – barely a hairs-(snip)

Almost

The voice is very inviting. Its confidence suggests that I’m in the hands of a good storyteller. The protagonist was immediately likeable to me as well. There’s a story question raised—what will happen between this guy and this girl—but so what? There’s not much energy or intensity or “size” to the story question. It’s on the ordinary side. She’s beautiful, but that doesn’t do it for me.

But the rest of the chapter was charming and continued to raise the level of that story question and add others. But how to get that first page turned?

Well, I’ve cobbled together some things and below is a roughed-out alternative. To make room, I decided that some things just weren’t important enough for the first page:

• The foreshadowing first paragraph, an attempt to create enough tension to get me to turn the page. I’d rather be swept into the story than told about what’s coming.
• The laundry list of things he has to study. While that paragraph is great for setting the scene and characterizing, it can be shorter.
• The extensive description of the girl didn’t seem all needed to me.

So below is some of the current first page trimmed down and an attempt to raise the intensity of the story question through the use of characterization rather than events. To be fair to the way the chapter is written, it seemed harsh to try to jam an action story question onto the first page, but I found the girl’s character to be quite compelling, so this is a try to crank up the interest via her. See what you think.

The last bell had rung, and I was trying to figure out my homework schedule as I walked across the parking lot. Should I study for my chemistry test before, during, or after writing that five-page Macbeth paper. or…and there she was. Leaning against my junker of a car, tapping her fingers on the hood. The sun painted the waves in her burnt red hair with streaks of gold.

"C-Can I help you?" Lame, I admit, but I didn't have a lot of experience talking to beautiful girls. Or any girls, really.

Her eyes locked onto mine with an electric jolt. They weren't blue or green or hazel or brown or violet—they were all of those at once, encircling her pupils with slivers of color that spiraled into her soul. "You don't look like a Christopher Smith."

What? I shrugged. “Yeah, I get that a lot. My father's American, but my mother's Japanese. I know I take after her side, but—"

She held up her hand. "Not what I meant. I know from my research on twenty-first century America that its melting pot culture allowed for people of differing ethnic appearances to have names of seemingly divergent derivation. I was referring to the names themselves: Christopher, from the Greek name Christophoros, combining Christos or Christ with phero, meaning to bear or carry. Thus, 'bearing Christ.' Then you have Smith, deriving from the word smitan, meaning 'to smite,' implying the original name applied to a soldier and not an ironworker (snip)

Now, that’s an unusual character, and I wanted to know what she was up to. Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“Being a first timer to the confusing and sometimes frustrating world of writing, I can't live without this book. I wish I had purchased it before beginning my novel, but practice makes perfect and I am getting plenty of it. BUY THIS BOOK . . . it's worth the investment!”   imzf

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

Colleen sends the first chapter for The Opposite of Magic.

She didn't do anything more exotic than hit send on an email, for God's sake, but every pixel on the screen wobbled and came to rest off-kilter. The computer was cursed. Either that or she was, and all things considered, she hoped it was the PC. It refused to restart, so Emily dialed tech support—three times in one day, a personal record—and punched in her ID.

When Alexander Hartgrave stomped into her sort-of office fifteen minutes later, she had to bite her lip to keep from laughing at his expression.

"You're a menace," he said, scowl deepening.

"I'm telling you, it's not my fault."

He threw up his hands. "It most certainly is."

"Just replace the thing—"

"Dr. Daggett, the day you get another computer to torture is a day I'm no longer working here."

A much-anticipated day.

"Get back," Hartgrave said, like a threat, and put a protective arm around her PC tower. He glared at the screen. Then he tapped three keys, and the reboot window that wouldn't appear for her popped up for him as if nothing were wrong. He clicked "restart." It worked.

No one could make her feel idiotic the way he could. Of all the bad things about her job, the (snip)

Nope

Clearly the writing is good, and the voice confident and likeable. There is a touch of conflict, but it’s quickly resolved. So what happens here? A computer malfunctions and then is fixed. The protagonist is left with nothing more significant to deal with than feeling idiotic. For me, there was no tension, no story questions raised, and no trouble ahead for her.

This page and most of the chapter is set-up that introduces us to the character and the goings on of her life at the place she works. There isn’t much of a clue to the story until the end, when a mysterious man invades the basement where her office is and she finds him in a secret room, hovering 15 feet off the floor.

Colleen submitted her chapter a couple of years ago, and the verdict was the same. At that time I cobbled together an alternative opening from her text, which is below. Would it get you to turn the page?

Emily liked to think she was clear-sighted about her faults. Excessive curiosity, for instance. Now, though, rummaging through her new office for a makeshift weapon should she need to defend herself, she realized she had missed a flaw. She'd grown up, earned her degrees and landed a university teaching job, but she had never overcome the childish desire for adventure. Well, flaw or not, this was the closest life had come to providing an adventure. Grasping a three-hole punch because its name sounded dangerous, she set off to search the basement of the Humanities Building for the intruder.

An empty stone passageway stretched ahead, deeply shadowed. Bare-bulb fixtures clung to the ceiling, casting small islands of light. Empty torch brackets dotted the walls.

One corridor after another proved empty, save for a lecture room filled by age-browned boxes heavy with dust. She picked her way around the entire level and found nobody. But she had definitely heard a thud.

Then she noticed a nearly invisible door -- made of the same stone as the wall, it was set apart only by a tiny doorknob. The knob was warm to the touch, smooth as glass, faintly vibrating under her fingers. She yanked on it and the door burst open to reveal a cavernous room.

Someone was inside. Someone wearing a wide-brimmed hat.

And hovering twenty feet above the floor.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“As an aspiring author in the Internet age, I thought there was enough information out there in the blogosphere to provide me with everything I needed for my arsenal. Boy, was I wrong. I wish that I had purchased Flogging the Quill months ago. Had I bought the book when I first learned about it, I'm confident it would have saved me a tremendous amount of time and effort in the crafting, writing, and rewriting of my first novel.”   Shannon

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

For writers in the Pacific Northwest, I want to mention that I'm doing my Crafting a Killer First Page workshop at the 2013 Write on the River Conference in Wenatchee, Washington on May 18.

This is a good group run by top-knotch writers and well worth your while. I'd love to see you there.

It's only about 3 weeks away so, if you're interested, check it out soon.

Best,

Ray

Chuck Sambuchino of Writer’s Digest had a recent post on Writer Unboxed titled What NOT to Do When Beginning Your Novel: Advice from Literary Agents.

VOICE

“I know this may sound obvious, but too much ‘telling’ vs. ‘showing’ in the first chapter is a definite warning sign for me. The first chapter should present a compelling scene, not a road map for the rest of the book. The goal is to make the reader curious about your characters, fill their heads with questions that must be answered, not fill them in on exactly where, when, who and how.”
- Emily Sylvan Kim, Prospect Agency

PROLOGUES

“Prologues are usually a lazy way to give back-story chunks to the reader and can be handled with more finesse throughout the story. Damn the prologue, full speed ahead!”

- Laurie McLean, Foreword Literary

EXPOSITION/DESCRIPTION

 “The [adjective] [adjective] sun rose in the [adjective] [adjective] sky, shedding its [adjective] light across the [adjective] [adjective] [adjective] land.”
- Chip MacGregor, MacGregor Literary

CHARACTERS AND BACKSTORY

 “Many writers express the character’s backstory before they get to the plot. Good writers will go back and cut that stuff out and get right to the plot. The character’s backstory stays with them—it’s in their DNA.”
- Adam Chromy, Movable Type Management

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“As an aspiring author in the Internet age, I thought there was enough information out there in the blogosphere to provide me with everything I needed for my arsenal. Boy, was I wrong. I wish that I had purchased Flogging the Quill months ago. Had I bought the book when I first learned about it, I'm confident it would have saved me a tremendous amount of time and effort in the crafting, writing, and rewriting of my first novel.”   Shannon

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

Natalia sends the first chapter for Rush In, a YA novel.  

“Judge, get down here please. We need you,” says the teacher.

I drum my fingers on my thigh. I’m not known for joining in, but I'll do this, for Carrie. And this will cheer up Mum no end. I amble through the auditorium, script in hand.

Carrie's eyes are evasive; her body language signals she wants no kind of intimacy, scripted or real. Hell, she’s extremely cute. Her taste in some things, like boyfriends, is questionable, but Jason’s been sin binned off stage for crimes against English Lit class and I’m the leading man now. If I really were Darcy I’d want this Elizabeth.

“My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you,” I say. I would not have put it that way in private, but that sentiment and the way I feel about her are in the same ball-park. It makes Carrie blush. She's either a brilliant actor, or I am, or something else is going on. There is nothing but the two of us.

It’s over. The teacher comes to her senses first by immaturely jumping up and down. “That's what I'm talking about—” Our classmates go mad, stomping, cheering, drowning her out. Score. Judge 1 – Jason 0.

Carrie’s still glowing. Taking her hand, I fleetingly press her slim fingers, arguably still in character. She snatches away a moment too late, though her puzzled eyes betray her staying locked on mine. I think we have lift-off.

Yep.

The voice is charming, the writing good, and I wanted to see what happens for Judge. One caution: using “Judge” for a first name is problematic if it’s not clear. When I first read this dialog I thought an actual judge was being spoken to. It’s certainly possible for a judge to do something in a classroom. Maybe have the character open with something like this: The teacher calls my name. “Judge, get down here, please. We need you.” With something like that it’s perfectly clear yet only takes two more words. All in all, nice work. Notes:

“Judge, get down here please. We need you,” says the teacher. As noted, make the name clear.

I drum my fingers on my thigh. I’m not known for joining in, but I'll do this for Carrie. And this it will cheer up Mum no end. I amble through the auditorium, script in hand. Change made to avoid echo of “this”

Carrie's eyes are evasive; her body language signals she wants no kind of intimacy, scripted or real. Hell, she’s extremely cute. Her taste in some things, like boyfriends, is questionable, but Jason’s been sin-binned off stage for crimes against English Lit class and I’m the leading man now. If I really were Darcy, I’d want this Elizabeth. I think it would be better if you show the body language. For example: ... Carrie’s eyes are evasive; she looks stiff as she turns away from me. She wants no kind of intimacy, scripted or real.

On the stage, I say, “My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.” I say. I would not have put it that way in private, but that sentiment and the way I feel about her are in the same ballpark ball-park. It makes Carrie blush. She's either a brilliant actor, or I am, or something else is going on. There is nothing but the two of us. I added a little “staging” to help the reader see the flow of action. How about a little more of Carrie? Does she gaze into his eyes or look at him in any way, perhaps surprised? I found the “two of us” sentence a little hard to easily parse. Thoughtstarter: If feels as if there is only the two of us.

It’s over. The teacher comes to her senses first by immaturely jumping up and down. “That's what I'm talking about—” Our classmates go mad, stomping, cheering, drowning her out. Score. Judge 1 – Jason 0.

Carrie’s still glowing. Taking her hand, I fleetingly press her slim fingers, arguably still in character. She snatches away a moment too late, though her puzzled eyes betray her staying when they stay locked on mine. I think we have lift-off.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

I am not a fan of most writing books because they all seem to say the same things. "Show, don't tell." "Create believable characters." "Keep your plot interesting." Rhamey doesn't just tell you what to do, he shows you with concrete examples and a humorous touch. I learned more from this book than I have from all the other books on writing I've read so far combined.    Writing Mom

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

Frankie sends a new first chapter for The Musubi Murder.  

I turned my new desk fan up another notch, blowing papers every which way. The official word was that the climate control in the College of Commerce building was “undergoing repairs,” but no one believed that. Running the air conditioning costs a lot of money, and we’d just had another round of budget cuts.

Focus on the positive, I told myself as I straightened the papers back into neat stacks. Two thirds of my Intro to Business Management students hadn’t cheated on their first assignment. Anyway, I had already sent the academic conduct reports to Bill Vogel, our new dean. It was in his hands now.

The top item in my inbox was an email from one of my students—or, rather, someone who was apparently registered in one of my classes. I had yet to meet him in person.

Hey proffeser, I need to make up the assignment I missed. I couldn’t get the textbook cuz the bookstore is sold out. Thx, Joshua

The bookstore still had plenty of my assigned textbooks in stock, and I had placed copies on reserve in the library as well. I considered a number of replies, but my better angels prevailed and I wrote simply,

Dear Joshua,

Please refer to the course syllabus for the policy on late work.  

Nope

Frankie continues to have an appealing voice and good writing. And, for this reader, a lack of tension--I can't think of a single story question that's raised in this page. More than that, there’s nothing that seems related to a murder here. Nor is there in the rest of the chapter. It does a good job of immersing us in this teacher’s life as she deals with an unethical dean and cheating students, but none of that is what the story is (I think) about—a murder. For me, it’s all well-done throat-clearing. I suggest finding the place where the teacher is first involved with the murder, make sure that her involvement causes a problem with serious consequences for her, and start there.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“I'm a rank newbie with just my first draft under my belt and a bad case of "Now what?" I've read many books on writing and editing, but Flogging the Quill is the first to give me hope that I may indeed be able to whip my creation into a novel-like shape. I especially recommend it for NaNoWriMo. FTQ makes an excellent read in December after the chaos of November fades. Ray shows you, very clearly and with humor, what needs to happen after 'The End.'”    Elizabeth

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

I've been invited back to do two workshops at the San Miguel Writers' Conference in Mexico next year, and they asked if I'd like to create a new one to do along with my Crafting a Killer First Page workshop. You betcha!

I'll base it on the storytelling section in my book. Here's the "outline" with the chapter titles, and each title is linked to an online post of the chapter.

How to grab your reader on page one:

• Story as River
• Start with kitty-cats in action

How to bait your hooks with tension:

• It takes story questions to turn pages
• Tension in your first sentence
• Four ways to create tension
• Chapter Endings

How to create characters readers connect with:

• An engine named desire
• Creating the care factor
• Create a really good bad guy
• Haunt Characters for stronger storytelling

How about helping me out with the title for the workshop? In the poll below are 4 alternatives PLUS the option to enter a suggestion.

Thanks in advance for your help.

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

Christopher sends the first chapter of Spiders.

The spider was huge. Black and thick-legged and evil. Okay, maybe not evil. It was just a house spider, after all. But as it hung there inverted on the miniature moonscape of the ceiling directly over his face, Spencer Waterman felt a rising sense of panic. He hated to admit it, but there it was: the tightening of the stomach, the urge to bolt from the couch right now, before that thing let go and plummeted downward, eight hairy legs outspread, to land in the middle of his face.

Spencer knew such a scenario wasn’t likely. He had observed countless spiders navigate countless ceilings and he had never seen a single one lose its grip. Ever. But still, it could hap­pen. It certainly fell within the realm of possibility.

And this particular spider was just sitting there, directly overhead, as though it had just now realized it was too big to have any business crawling upside down across a ceiling. Because it was big. Even from something like nine feet away, lying there with his infant son BeeBee asleep on his chest, Spencer could see that the spider was unusually robust. The kind you could definitely feel if it was running across your naked arm or leg.

Or face.

He couldn’t take it anymore. The goddamn spider just wouldn’t move. Spencer was sure it was going to drop onto him at any moment, and knowing this he never took his eyes off it as (snip)

Yes, but . . .

Good voice, immediate tension, story questions—all things that got me to turn the page.Not knowing more about the story, here’s the “but”--with a title of Spiders it seems like something more about spiders will be forthcoming, but  the rest of the chapter lets the tension ooze out until there was none left. Spencer gets off the couch, catches the spider and turns it loose in a shed, and the chapter ends with him feeding his baby and then going to sleep with no hint of story to come. Notes:

The spider was huge. Black and thick-legged and evil. Okay, maybe not evil. It was just a house spider, after all. But as it hung there inverted on the miniature moonscape of the ceiling directly over his face, Spencer Waterman felt a rising sense of panic. He hated to admit it, but there it was: the tightening of the stomach, the urge to bolt from the couch right now, before that thing let go and plummeted downward, eight hairy legs outspread, to land in the middle of his face. I’ll nit-pick. “Huge” is a conclusion word that doesn’t really describe the size of the spider. It does successfully communicate the character’s feelings about it, but the reader doesn’t know the reality. It would be easy enough to give the reader a size—since he eventually catches the spider in a jar, I suspect that its body was no larger than, let’s say, a nickel. I’ll quibble a little about the phrase “directly over his face”—that said to me that the spider was very close to his face, yet it turns out that it’s about 9 feet away. These are quibbles because I have to say that the writing in this opening paragraph did a fine job of creating mood and tension.

Spencer knew such a scenario wasn’t likely. He had observed countless spiders navigate countless ceilings and he had never seen a single one lose its grip. Ever. But still, it could hap­pen. It certainly fell within the realm of possibility.

And this particular spider was just sitting there, directly overhead, as though it had just now realized it was too big to have any business crawling upside down across a ceiling. Because it was big. Even from something like nine feet away, lying there with his infant son BeeBee asleep on his chest, Spencer could see that the spider was unusually robust. The kind you could definitely feel if it was running across your naked arm or leg. Once again, a conclusion word (big) with nothing to give us a good image of the spider. At first I was imagining something as big as a tarantula, which truly is huge. But a house spider? I guess I’m feeling a little let down by the rest of the chapter, which not only didn’t pay off the spider but consisted of a fair amount of backstory. A story about spiders failed to show up.

Or face.

He couldn’t take it anymore. The goddamn spider just wouldn’t move. Spencer was sure it was going to drop onto him at any moment, and knowing this he never took his eyes off it as (snip)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

As an independent editor of book manuscripts, I feel compelled to say I think Ray Rhamey's "Flogging the Quill" is the best how-to book I've read about writing since I was assigned Strunk & White's "Elements of Style" in freshman journalism class 50 years ago. Especially useful for writers of fiction and memoir. I'm urging all my authors to get it.”   Frank Zoretich

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

My monthly Flog a Pro post on Writer Unboxed is here. Take a look, give a vote.

Ray

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

Tony sends a revision of the first chapter of Lights Out (previous submission here).

The Fenway Park crowd stirred. Third day of the season and the taunting had already begun. A chorus of boos, forty-thousand strong, rained down on him but Danny didn’t hear any of it. He’d learned to tune it all out years ago. He rolled the baseball in his palm and stroked the raised seams. The fingers on his pitching hand were turning blue. The cold numbness returned. Danny focused his attention solely on his manager. He pounded the ball into his glove and retreated down the back side of the mound as Coley trudged up the hill. Danny hadn’t told him about the pain yet. Didn’t plan to. “Had a hard time getting loose, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“You lied to me.” Coley squirted tobacco juice through pursed lips, crossed his arms, and planted himself between Danny and home plate. “Again.”

“I’m throwing strikes.”

Lines creased between Coley’s eyebrows. “Three innings, six hits, two walks, four runs?”

“I’m pitching better than my numbers.”

“Unbelievable.” Coley shook his head, plucked a wad of tobacco from his bottom lip, and flicked it to the ground. “This is Kansas City all over again.”

Danny slipped his hand into his back pocket and juggled sunflower seeds until he found the talisman that the Haitian had given him. “This is nothing like Kansas City.” 

“You got nothing on the fastball.” Coley thumped Danny’s chest. “You knew you were (snip)

Nope

I think Tony’s writing is good, I like the voice, and this opens with an immediate scene that has tension and conflict in it. In fact, it’s much the same as last time Tony sent it. Maybe I’m just less charitable this morning, but, despite the things I like about it, I didn’t turn the page this time, and I know why. Lack of stakes, of serious consequences.

While it’s clear that Danny might be pulled from the game, there’s nothing to indicate that it would be anything more than something that happens to pitchers all the time. They have a bad day, but they’ll be back.

No so here. As it turns out, if he can’t succeed in this game he’ll be sent to the minors, and that means he can’t pay for his daughter to get medical treatment that could save her life. There’s a lot riding on him staying in the game—but there’s no hint of that here, and that’s what cost Tony a page turn.

There’s a supernatural element to this story that used to be on the first page, and it was the page-turner element in the first submission. If the tension can be strong enough here, maybe he can still get to that element to crank up the interest on following pages.

I think this is a case of starting the story too soon. There’s a fair amount of backstory and set-up in the chapter, but we do manage to learn of what’s at stake. I urge Tony to look for a starting point that's after this chapter.

But I know that's hard for a writer to do. So, if you want to keep some of the good stuff in the first chapter, I’ve cobbled together pieces from the chapter to see if there’s a stronger opening page. It’s rough, but what do you think of this?

The Fenway Park crowd stirred. A chorus of boos, forty-thousand strong, rained down on Danny, but he tuned it out. The fingers on his pitching hand were turning blue. The cold numbness had returned. He pounded the ball into his glove and retreated down the back side of the mound as the manager trudged up the hill.

Coley squirted tobacco juice through pursed lips and beckoned for the ball. “You’re done. Gimmie it.”

“You’re making a mistake.”

“You’ve been in this game a long time.” Coley planted himself between Danny and home plate. “It’s a business,” he said. “You know how it works.”

 “I do,” he said. “And I know what’s waiting for me.” His hand was ice cold and clammy—not good. “This ain’t a Kevin Costner movie. There’s no happy ending here.

 “I’ll be sent down to Triple-A and a seven-hundred-dollar paycheck. I’ll be waiting for a call back up to the show that’s never gonna come.”

Coley said, “I know you’re worried about your little girl, but I got twenty-four other guys I’m responsible for. I gotta make decisions based on the good of the team, not one man.”

Danny shook his head. “There’s a new treatment . . . my option gets picked up she has a fighting chance.” He gripped the ball, his fingertips dug into the cowhide. “Leave me in."

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“I'm a writer want-to-be working on my first novel. I've read four creative writing books and I think that Ray's book has been the most helpful and easiest to understand.”   HMS

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

Irene sends the first chapter of A Sari for Miriam.

My family is well traveled. So when the offer came to go to India for three months, I wasn’t fazed at all. It was just what I wanted, but surprisingly my family objected quite strongly. But here I am, on my way six weeks later. Two airports, Miami and Paris, twenty-two hours of flying, and the pilot is finally making his announcement. "Fasten your seat belts.” I jump at the sound. “We will be on the ground in about ten minutes." Here I go. Again. Just diving in and figuring out how later. I obey the pilot's orders and pull my blanket tightly around me. The flight's been cold. I lean back to shut my eyes and take some deep, calming breaths.

"Don't be nervous. Landings aren't so bad."

I open my eyes to my neighbor's voice. He hasn't spoken a word the whole trip. “Oh no, I'm not nervous about landing. I love to fly."

“So what is it?”

I don’t think I’d ask a stranger that question. "For the first time in my life, I'm about to land in India. I'm going to be here for three months. And I'm not…

"That's a lot of sight-seeing."

If you would let me finish my sentence. "I'm not a tourist."

"So you'll be working."

"I'll be teaching and I've never taught before. Truthfully? I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Nope

Good, clean writing and a likeable voice with an immediate scene . . . but there wasn’t any tension for this reader. Oh, the character has tension, but with no stakes or consequences as a result of landing in India, there wasn’t any in me. This read so authentically I’m still not sure if it’s a memoir or fiction. The first chapter can be summed up pretty much as person arrives in strange, exotic environment and is often uncomfortable and stressed how well she will do in a teaching job. That’s about it.

There’s plenty of exposition and backstory, but not a lot happens, and there’s no sign of anything that might truly trouble the character—in other words, a strong story question that ought to be here whether it’s a memoir or not. Also, the person she speaks to on the plane doesn’t figure into the remainder of the chapter, so I guess the conversation is just a nice way to deliver some information about the trip. Instead, give me something to worry about other than landing in a strange country. The writing is fine, so I don’t have any editorial notes to offer.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“As an aspiring author in the Internet age, I thought there was enough information out there in the blogosphere to provide me with everything I needed for my arsenal. Boy, was I wrong. I wish that I had purchased Flogging the Quill months ago. Had I bought the book when I first learned about it, I'm confident it would have saved me a tremendous amount of time and effort in the crafting, writing, and rewriting of my first novel.”   Shannon

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

There is an often reflexive opinion “out there” that opening a story with a dream is not a good thing to do. Ever.

I’d rather subscribe to the “no rules” rule—there are no rules in writing fiction if what you write works to engage the reader and tell the story. I’ve read dream openings that failed miserably—primarily because they went on for a long time and seemed to be the real story, and then came a rug-pull.

And I’ve seen some that worked just fine. There’s a poll after this:

I offer here the opening page from my novel, We the Enemy. The first few lines are a dream. The dream is slowly revealed through the course of the novel and relates directly to the character’s inner conflict.

I don't have a poll for this opening page, but please comment if you have a thought.

Words came from Jake, but he couldn’t make them out because they were muddied and slow, as if made of molasses.

The woman frowned at him. She pulled the child in and said underwater words that made no sense. The look on her face was angry. Wild.

A nasty mechanical buzz blasted him—his alarm clock yelling at him. Jake groped and turned it off, then realized that he was holding his breath, his jaws clenched.

Why?

As he did every morning, he turned to a snapshot in a plain black frame on his nightstand—Amy in her favorite flowery party dress, forever five years old. He touched the tiny silver crucifix hanging from the frame by its chain. Amy wore it in the picture.

Why could he see her face in the photo but not in his memory? The crucifix glittered, and he couldn’t look at her picture any more.

He swung out of bed and his foot came down on an empty wine bottle. God, his head hurt—the price of self-medication. He scowled at all the damn sunshine coming in the window.

Should he blow off his meeting with the attorney general of the Unites States? After she’d come all the way to Chicago so she could keep the meeting secret? Should he stiff a (snip)

How do you feel about opening a story with a dream? You can make more than one response.

Ray

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© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Came across an excellent post of Writer Unboxed today about common opening-page mistakes, done with humor and insight. Check it out here.

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

Christina sends the first chapter of Mother Mona.

On the airplane from LA to Alaska, Mona locked herself in the bathroom, leaned her head against the cool plastic wall, and cried.

When the flight attendant knocked the second time, Mona put her head next to the door and said, “I’m fine.” To the woman in the mirror, pale and shaking, she whispered it again. “I’m fine ...” 

Making her way back to her seat, Mona kept her eyes on the floor between the aisles, her head down, her hand tentatively touching every other seatback for support. Back in her seat, she pulled her carry-on from underneath the chair in front of her, and held it with both arms. Then she unzipped it and touched the little stuffed dog inside. With her hand on its neck, she fell asleep.

At the Anchorage Airport, Mona almost gave the black stuffed dog away to the little Native child in the stroller. The child had been watching her with a quiet intensity that had unnerved her, as she sat at the gate moving her fingers tightly through the curled polyester fur.

The dog was ridiculously soft, a little lap-sized, lifelike thing, with glossy black eyes and grey-tinted whiskers. Waiting to board, she had taken it out of her carry-on; a distraction. A talisman, of sorts. It was to be a get-well gift, a peace offering. But perhaps Beth wouldn’t want it. Perhaps it evoked a memory better forgotten. It was a pathetic gesture.

Nope.

The writing is clean although, for me, there’s some overwriting here too. We open with an immediate scene and a clear sense of a character in distress—but I didn’t find much tension. About the only story questions raised are why does Mona feel so low and whether or not Beth will like the gift. Nothing of any particular import seems likely to happen. I think this is another case of starting the story too soon. The rest of the chapter was exposition and backstory, primarily. I think you need to start when Mona is wherever she’s going and something happens to knock her life into a spin. Notes:

On the airplane from LA to Alaska, Mona locked herself in the bathroom, leaned her head against the cool plastic wall, and cried. Engages me with the character right away, a good thing, and raises a story question.

When the flight attendant knocked the second time, Mona put her head next to the door and said, “I’m fine.” To the woman in the mirror, pale and shaking, she whispered, it again. “I’m fine ...”  No need to tells that she says it again when you immediately show us that she does.

Making her way back to her seat, Mona kept her eyes on the floor between the aisles, her head down, her hand tentatively touching every other seatback for support. Back in her seat, she pulled her carry-on from underneath the chair in front of her, and held it with both arms. Then she unzipped it, and touched the little stuffed dog inside. With her hand on its neck, she fell asleep. I felt that the detail cut was detail that didn’t advance the story.

At the Anchorage Airport, Mona almost gave the black stuffed dog away to a the little Native child in a the stroller. The child had been watching her with a quiet intensity that had unnerved her, as she sat at the gate moving her fingers tightly through the curled polyester fur.

The dog was ridiculously soft, a little lap-sized, lifelike thing, with glossy black eyes and grey-tinted whiskers. Waiting to board, she had taken it out of her carry-on; a distraction. A talisman, of sorts. It was to be a get-well gift, a peace offering. But perhaps Beth wouldn’t want it. Perhaps it evoked a memory better forgotten. It was a pathetic gesture. Again, more detail/backstory that didn’t, for me, contribute to story.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“As an aspiring author in the Internet age, I thought there was enough information out there in the blogosphere to provide me with everything I needed for my arsenal. Boy, was I wrong. I wish that I had purchased Flogging the Quill months ago. Had I bought the book when I first learned about it, I'm confident it would have saved me a tremendous amount of time and effort in the crafting, writing, and rewriting of my first novel.”   Shannon

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Here's what I thought was the money quote from Lisa Cron's post on Writer Unboxed about "What is a Natural Storyteller?" She is the author of Wired for Story.

When we tell stories we innately know that it’s not the beauty of our language, our great metaphors, or our ability to render realistic dialogue that stokes our listener’s curiosity, but the story itself. We know that she’ll only care if there’s a clear problem unfolding.

Check out the post, it's a good read.

For what it's worth.

Ray

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

A sends a short story, Mukti.

At dusk, when sunlight was fading, I decided the time was right.

My parents had gone to the coffee shop for a snack after a tiring day of playing tourists in a place we’d visited every summer since I was a child.

Alone in the hotel room, I sat at the window marveling at an expanse of green meadows veiled in the liquid shadows of snow-capped mountains and a setting sun. I watched the kites that dotted the skies, the shepherds calling to their herd, rose-cheeked women hurrying home in their woolen kimonos carrying bamboo baskets filled with bright red apples on their backs.

As I watched the world winding down, I realized, tomorrow would be my last shot at this. The thought had cropped up in my mind many times, but now it had taken over my entire being — a walk through the mountains that would wash away the evil and ugliness that filled every thought, every dream.

It was down to the final detail — timing. Vanish into the blazing rays of the rising sun, or the peaceful glow of the setting one?

Life had taught me that being in the right place at the right time or the other way round could change everything.

The evening was soothing, more feminine.

No.

There’s some nice writing here, a voice I like, but the challenge on FtQ is to compel a page turn. While there are hints that there is trouble ahead, there wasn’t enough in terms of what the character’s goal or need is, or what the stakes are. I scanned the story for a different opening, and learned that this takes place in Tibet and Mumbai. And it involves an arranged marriage and a rape. Aspects of those things on the first page might have helped. However, I suspect this is one of those that some will disagree with me on. Notes:

At dusk, when sunlight was fading, I decided the time was right. The time for what? When you’re in a close third-person point of view, it’s not really kosher to hold back things the character knows. In this case, it’s time for her suicide.

My parents had gone to the coffee shop for a snack after a tiring day of playing tourists in a place we’d visited every summer since I was a child. Where is the place? Later I learned that it was Tibet. An exotic location would have helped with the interest factor.

Alone in the hotel room, I sat at the window marveling and marveled at an expanse of green meadows veiled in the liquid shadows of snow-capped mountains and a setting sun. I watched the kites that dotted the skies, the shepherds calling to their herd, rose-cheeked women hurrying home in their woolen kimonos carrying bamboo baskets filled with bright red apples on their backs.  Nicely done description.

As I watched the world winding down, I realized, tomorrow would be my last shot at this. The thought had cropped up in my mind many times, but now it had taken over my entire being — a walk through the mountains that would wash away the evil and ugliness that filled every thought, every dream. Last shot at what? And what is the evil and ugliness? I understand you’re trying to tease us into the story, but I’d like to have a little substance to make the tease mean something to me.

It was down to the final detail — timing. Vanish into the blazing rays of the rising sun, or the peaceful glow of the setting one? Still unclear. “Vanish” could mean to run away or, as it turns out in this case, to die. Vague, it seems to me, is the enemy of tension.

Life had taught me that being in the right place at the right time or the other way ’round could change everything. Another hint to what happens later, but, since we don’t have a clue to what the change was, this lacked power for this reader.

The evening was soothing, more feminine.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“Flogging the Quill teaches true lessons about different aspects of writing, but in a way that is at once humorous and informative rather than a dry statement of facts. There are plentiful examples all throughout the book, as well as a place to practice what you've learned. In all, I highly recommend this book for people wanting to begin writing, or those who simply wish to learn how to improve their craft.”   Arwen

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

I'm just starting the edit of a manuscript, and the author thoughtfully asked me before sending it if I wanted all of the novel in a single file--she had it as individual chapters. I said YES!

Which leads me to this post, a reprise of a chapter from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells that you may find helpful.

First, keep the entire book manuscript in one electronic file—it’s a huge time-saver. I know writers who use a separate file on their computer for each chapter of their book. Each of my novels is in one file—the whole thing. It would drive me nuts to have to open up, let’s say, a file for chapter 9 in order to check on information I needed for a scene in chapter 22—for example, maybe I need to make sure where I stashed a clue back in chapter 9 that now needs to be discovered in 22.

A file-per-chapter writer friend didn’t see how I could do it. The key is using bookmarks to navigate quickly and easily around a complete novel manuscript.

With the Microsoft Word and WordPerfect Bookmark tools, wherever you are in a manuscript you can insert a bookmark and easily come back to it from any other place in the manuscript. I used it frequently in putting this book together to jump from where I was writing to a previous section to check on something in another section. I’d insert the letter “a” as a bookmark where I was, go to where I needed to go, and then just use the bookmark to hop back. I use “a” because it comes up at the top of the bookmark list. And you can use it over and over—when I needed to do the same thing further on in the manuscript, the “a” was at the top of the list and it was simple to just select it, click “insert,” and have the “a” bookmark located in the new place.

Another use for bookmarks is when you’re deep into rewriting or polishing your book and it’s time to hang up your brain for the night, your eyes having become loose in their sockets. If you’re on, let’s say, line 16 on page 174 out of 263, the quick way to return to that exact spot is insert a bookmark—the letter “a” will do, or perhaps “here,” or whatever is easiest—save the file, and shut down. Next day, you can return to the exact spot you left off with a couple of keystrokes.

In Word you click Insert; click Bookmark; type in a letter or word in the Bookmark name box, then click the Add button. For some reason, you can’t use words separated by spaces—which leads me to sometimes insert bookmarks such as “describebarn” or “describe-barn” so I’ll know what it’s about. In WordPerfect, you click Tools, then Bookmark, then Create, which lets you type in a name and say OK.

When you next open your document, to go to a bookmark you type control+g (PC) or apple+g (Mac), select Bookmark in the dialogue box that pops up, select the bookmark you want (there’s a little arrow button to show a list of all bookmarks), click okay, and you’re there.

Many uses

Let’s say that you’re really struggling with a passage, or maybe just chugging through the narrative, laying track, and you know what you’ve just written will need more thought. You can bookmark it and move on, knowing you can return with ease. Using bookmarks, I will revisit material that needs honing a number of times until I’m satisfied with it. With a bookmark, it’s easy to go back and keep at it; without a bookmark, I suspect it would get far fewer visits and less thought.

Here’s another one: deep into the umpteenth rewrite of a novel, it came to me that I needed to add a key visual and emotional element to a character’s scenes in several places in the story. First, I inserted bookmarks at each scene where the new material was to be added (necklace1, necklace2, necklace3, etc.). Later, I jumped easily from one spot to another to make sure I had kept things consistent yet varied and had done all I needed to make the new material blend with the old. Because my first drafts tend to be on the lean side, bookmarking those additional bits of narrative enabled me to visit them after they’d cooled a little to see if they needed more work.

Because you can give each bookmark a different handle, another handy use is the ability to check back to important passages. This is especially useful for continuity checks. Let’s say that early in the novel you created a detailed description of a room, and the things in that room are important to your story when they come up again. Put a bookmark there (“the-murder” or “crimescene” or some such) and it’s easy to refer back and keep later references to that place accurate. This could be darned handy for clues in a mystery novel.

Bookmark the first page of each chapter to hop to one instantly. If you know you had Heather shoot the green bunny in chapter 4 but can’t quite remember the sequence of events when you’re referring to the shooting in chapter 16, it’s easy to check.

Marking a passage for later use or change is another bookmark use. In one of my novels, I planned to move the description I’d written for a character to an earlier chapter during the rewrite. I bookmarked that passage so that when I got to the new description point in the rewrite, I could jump there, cut the description from its page, then jump back to where I was (because I inserted a “here” bookmark before I left that point) and paste it in. No hunting, no searching for keyword strings, etc.

For what it’s worth

Ray

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“A wealth of advice backed up by numerous examples and explanations. Ray doesn't just give you the "rules" of writing, but also gives you an understanding of why you shouldn't break the rules . . . and examples of times when it's a good idea to break them. Ray's book deals with storytelling, description, dialogue, techniques, words to avoid, and workouts that help writers to understand how to critique their work and others. He also delves into how to hook your readers and make them care about your story and its character through building tension, raising story questions, perfecting your narrative voice, writing with clarity, setting the scene, and developing your characters. This book is well worth the price of admission.”   Joseph