Not that i do not know, but seeing the number of years on the right column of this blog just compounded my feeling of tiredness...almost 8 'known' years....what else do you want me to do God?
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I dreamt that an artist whose works i admire came over to my house to do some of his own paintings. we let him occupy the basement (funny thing is, in reality, there's no such thing as 'basement' here in Malaysian houses) i wanted to approach him, to ask if he can teach me, but i was too shy. instead of talking, i will find excuses to go down to the basement to see his painting process. Not sure how but out of the blue my nephews were with me as well and i had to entertain them down there at the basement. the interior changed to a corner of my own house corner years ago, where i have all the badly done paintings displayed on a cabinet. As i was entertaining my nephews, i suddenly remembered the artist and turned around. he was there sitting very quietly, looking at me, deep in thought. Although he didn't seemed to mind our presence, i apologized for our intrusion. As we were exiting, i was overwhelmed by regret, that why have i not thought of removing my own paintings before his arrival. Well, i guess i must really want a right mentor or formal trainings in art. I've never dreamt of any painting artist until now. While I continue my search, i will have to bear with the traffic congestions every morning and every night. But if the destination is to the place of a great painter who can also teach well to learn under him/her, i'm willing to go through 2 hours of bad traffic per journey everyday.
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The last painting experiment for 2012. oil on plywood. ......... My only hope for 2013...to be able to survive from doing what i dislike. how i wish to learn under a great painter..... Read the rest of this post
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the 11-year-old girl at the cancer ward... Eyes and jaw cancer, just had an operation on the other eye...she's blind on both eyes now... smiling and listening attentively throughout our little Christmas cheer, how i wish to hug her, but unfortunately we are not allowed to do so... She has such a beautiful smile, so brave in facing all that has fallen onto her small frail body. My friend the therapist, the one who initiated this little do for the kids with cancer, later shared that this 11 year old girl had cancer on her left eye when she was still very little. Her right eye, eventually received the same fate. The little girl told her mother not to let them take away her right eye...but alas...it has to be taken away... God bless her mother, who is always by her side...taking care of her, loving her, not neglecting her. Unlike the husband, who left the family after knowing his daughter has cancer.
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I've always wanted to draw Jesus, but never did for reasons that could only be known between He and I. It was this evening, without thinking much, hesitant still at first, but it was very brief, and there, the very first sketch of Him. The other is my left hand that has been given to me. My hands....my sight...I thank God for them. I've been really dissapointed by many setbacks, especially in my quest to bring my limited skills to the next level. I've prepared mentally and called/emailed...even sketched a drawing, ready for admission submission. but in the end, nothing was sent because after much calculation on the finances and number of years required, my goal is too far and too impossible for me. everytime when i'm near, something will be pulled away from me, letting me fall, having to pick myself up again and again and again and again....how many 'and again' do i still have? I do not know what is the meaning of all these. i think i'll never will. I am at a stage, which i'm not unfamiliar with, that i do not know what am i doing anymore. what is the purpose of drawing/painting/sketching when all will lead me to continuous disappointments....
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charcoal drawing, digitally coloured. ...................................... my dream is unreachable...
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charcoal on paper larger than 24" x 18"
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another sketch of reality... i was very tired last night, but there was an urge to capture this tiredness, this physical tiredness. The eyes, i hope i've captured the essence. it has been such a struggle for me to find what i'm supposed to do in painting. apart from skills limitation, there are a whole lot of areas that i need to overcome. it isn't easy, that poem comes first before the skills...
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the faces are imaginary, the eyes are not, my subject is the eyes, the window to one's soul, not only to mine, but to others as well, the faces are only there to accomodate my main subject...
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life is not meaningless but what is meaningful is far and few in between ..... i've received my fair share of material rewards: money, titles, recognition in form of words, etc... but i've never felt so empty... my recent disappointment made 'hope' even more distant than before they are but all - momentary happiness. Once again, i'm being reminded that, what truly matters to me are my family, friends, a free mind to paint, a free heart to appreciate what i still have in life. Most importantly, i wanted a growing faith. i hope my family and friends will understand when in future i choose to do what i feel is the right thing to do....as i'm typing this, even i doubt my judgement on what is really 'right' after what had happened. i may be poorer i may seemed intellectually less competent compared to what i'm still doing now or what i've done in the past. but i will not mind, if my family and close friends understand and still accept me in whatever situation i'm in. How very true...it is not simple to be simple. it takes a lot to find that happiness is simplicity....
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oil on canvas pad ...... ...maybe it's really not worth staying on....it is ironic, that a place that i've always wanted to work in could make me feel this way...within such a short time...what is wrong?
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i came back Friday night from the gallery, feeling worn out (physically). and a little upset over an issue. felt the strong need to record my thoughts in some form, about how i felt in certain situations when at the Gallery or during the solo opening exhibitions of artists. this is titled: Are You Really Here For Art? sepia tone pencil, 2b pencil and red colour pencil on sketchbook. .......
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self portrait in progress oil on wood ..........
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a painting does tell a story, but sometimes, an untouched canvas/surface tells even more.... ..... the beginning stage of another self portrait...oil on wood....
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still work in progress.. no ears and body yet.. maybe i will not continue with this it is a failure.. i have not been able to focus and i kept making mistakes..
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mom hasn't been well. dad needs taking care of. nobody is around. caring words are aplenty... should at least be thankful for that... please give me enough of energy and will power to make them happy...
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instead of reaching for the oils, i decided to just simply sketch with colour pencils today...
it has been a long time since i last did anything like this...
.......
i have finally found the right person to replace me in the office - i think. and i hope my boss will like her too. that she will work well and will not give up easily.
soon, i'll be drifting again....
how can a drifter ever be settled?
this passion of mine...it's like falling in love with the wrong guy....like the old fashion lyrics: if loving you is wrong then i don't want to be right again...or something like that (gosh, what's wrong with me today)
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i was tidying up my room the other day and thought i might as well rearrange the items in my drawers.
Many forgotten items were found, well kept in different boxes...and among the letters, postcards, gifts, i found a piece of my past:
i remember doing this, many years ago
the poem was from an old book, the words so resonate with how i felt at that time, i could not help but copy it.
it is funny, how feelings change with time
i suppose it wasn't love
for love is supposed to last
..........
the layers i have put around the pain of your going are thin
i walk softly through life, adding thickness each day
a thought or a feeling of you cracks the surface,
a call to you shatters it all
i spend that night in death
and spin the first layer of life with the sunrise
.........
i am so glad i could now smile while reading this
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oil sketch, digitalized. (i hate to digitalize...)
........
i wish to have a place to go
for a daily sesssion of painting
a place where a model could pose
and under natural lighting
with enough of fresh air circulating...
........
i haven't been able to paint lately
only sketches but no paintings...
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though imagined, i hope the eyes were able to convey the luminosity that i wanted to achieve...
....
i've been painting in the toilet and really...i do feel like moving back to my own place....but is it worth it? just for the sake of having a larger and private place to paint?
not that i really mind the toilet space, but it's the lack of fresh air circulating...
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.......
oil on board, still a work in progress...this will take much longer than expected
........
today will be my third day at the gallery.
it used to be the gallery that i've wanted to work in
many years ago, and now, five years later, i'm finally here.
i've given up a good job, good salary, good bosses and friends to look for that path that will lead me to what i wanted to become....
not that i'm not happy,
but i do hope someday, instead of working at the desk of the gallery,
my paintings will be hung there on the walls.
i must remind myself every now and then,
especially when caught up in the background works of art exhibitions,
the reason for joining an art gallery
and to not stray from that and to continue with improving my own paintings...
as always,a lot of 'what ifs' in my mind
what if i become unhappy here?
what if i cannot get along with the owner?
what if after this, instead of feeding my passion by working here, it will be wiped out? like how it was like for me when i joined an advertising company when i first started work?
ah...i think too much...
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Yes! Finally someone writes about distant.
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