EE, boys care about cars from the age of two. Probably before that, but they're not able to express themselves clearly.

I agree that this is too wordy. I also found the story hard to follow and the sentences a bit convoluted. Shorter, simpler sentences would make the point better.

Example:

He loves the song and reveals that he will dedicate it to Meredith, whom he loves from afar.

could be simplified to

He likes the song, but wants to dedicate it to his crush, Meredith.

What 14-year-old boys talk to other 14-year-old boys about is a subject best left to those who've been 14-year-old boys.

Is Meredith mean? One instance of letting down a friend in order to ingratiate herself with a bunch of popular girls isn't necessarily a lifestyle choice.

This sounds like it could be fun, but I agree, there's not much story revealed. What are the secrets? How humiliating are they? In essence, I can't gauge the level of betrayal.

Why is it so hard for Kate to reveal her infatuation? And, does she ever? If so, what's the result? If not, what holds her back?

If the boys are interested enough that Kate feels compelled to dress down, why is she so reluctant to strut for Brandon? Not that I'm advocating it, it just seems like a character inconsistency based on the query. I mean, she's bold enough to jump in with the boys...but not to confess an attraction?

I've been around lots of 14 y/o boys. Most of then seem pretty eager to encounter a girl who is interested. I've not known many to discuss cars at any length, however, X-box discussions can go on for DAYS.

Dear Author
What the others said - her dilemma is buried somewhere in that query. Spell it our more celarly!

I'm guessing that your MC's prob is that she's worked so hard to be one of the boys that she's reached the lamented 'just good friends' status with her crush, and needs to back off and reassert herself as a girl, but at the cost of losing her boy-pals. If so, this needs to be clarified.

And as EE said, the 'boys are better friends than girls' theme needs to be toned down.

Maybe boys just suit her personality better? Maybe she misses her friend and is too proud to make the first move back? Friendships at that age are pretty intense. As I remember, a matter of life or death. She would be grieving the loss. I think the query needs more emotional tension.

I have a hard time believing 14-year-old guys wouldn't have any sexual tension with this girl who is interested in the same things they are and is fun to hang out with (and, I assume, not completely unattractive). I've heard many guys talk about falling into the dreaded 'just friends' category, but that's been almost exclusively males attracted to their female friends, not vice-versa. Maybe if she'd grown up with them their whole lives so she felt more like a sister or a cousin, but as it's written... to me it reads more like a plot device than what I've seen with teens.

And maybe this is different regionally, but all the teens I worked with said "guys," not "boys" -- trying to talk to fifteen-year-old girls about "cute boys" rather than "hot guys" was a sure sign that like you so totally don't get it.

My advice would be to focus on people liking everyone except the person who would like them back (MC to Brandon, Brandon to Meredith, Meredith to...). And then...other plot stuff happens too, right? Even for younger YA it doesn't seem enough story to carry a whole book.

Good luck!

This is not at all my genre, so take all this with a pound of salt.

I would like to know what secrets Meredith blabbed. How devastating is it to Kate that the girls' clique knows her secrets? Is she shunned by all the girls now? Presumably whatever the secrets are, it's not something that the boys care about.

Seems like Kate has more in common with the boys, or is it all an act and she longs to be girly?

Good luck with this.

Aww! Looks like EE's getting some luv! Three queries today! Yea!

I think this version is better. Still a bit wordy, but the story is starting to come through. Consider narrowing it down to just the essentials:

"Every five hundred years the Phoenix is reborn, a new body, a new soul, and in need of a new guardian. Young immortal Gwyn has obsessed over her red opal necklace, a strange gem she received from her parents on her sixteenth birthday. She never suspected it was the actual egg from which the Phoenix would hatch.

"By the time she figures out the truth about the necklace, it’s too late. She has already given away the necklace to a dhampir named Nolan, and now the Phoenix is in the household of an evil vampire. As an egg, the Phoenix is vulnerable to true death. True death will begin an unending solar eclipse, allowing vampires to hunt day and night. Gwyn must save the Phoenix or the chaos of the night will engulf the world."

That's 135 words. So you have about 100 words left to tell us how Gwyn actually intends to get the necklace back.

I'd recast that third paragraph as the opening paragraph. That would start the entire query with The Phoenix being reborn and Gwynn being a griffin and whatever a Dhaimpir is... Then I would go to teh fact that Gwynn gave the necklace to Nolan, the son of a vampire who abuses him ...

A big problem I have is trying to ascertain if this is set in the real world or in a created world. "Playing the part of a human" is the source of that puzzle.

Gwynn has to have memories of a thousand lifetimes past (at least that) and she's acting like a 17 year old in puppy love with class rings and boy friends. And a necklace with a red opal on it might not be what a boy wears unless I've missed a whole lot of teen rebellion in the past few years.

If the griffin guardian is reborn without those memories and there is the possibility that the guardianship can be transferred to another, then why have an immortal?

I agree with Anon. Cut the verbiage. And use the extra space to add some voice. Right now it is terribly dry. The stakes are: the end of all human life on earth, and that's pretty shattering stuff. So why does the query sound less interesting than a cereal box?

Really, I can't quite buy that her parent's give her something as important as a Phoenix egg--which she must protect or the world is doomed--and neglect to tell her it's importance. My sweet 16 gift was a gold bracelet, of no consequence, and my mom went on at length telling me how precious a child is and to protect my value...(born-again Christian...)

So, as devices have it, vampires are incredibly persuasive sorts. You may want to have your MC coerced into giving away that odd necklace... It adds tension and makes her look less like a stereotypically-dippy teen girl.

Does Gwyn die when the Phoenix is reborn? Because unless she's going to die, I can't figure out why she's having trouble with her guardianship. Seems like it should be kick-ass. Immortal, powerful, trusted with the world's energy source, and yet she's mooning over a guy so much she gives it all away. Not very inspiring, on this side of the page.

I still have an issue with the science part of this. Last query said the sun would be extinguished, and minions rightly pointed out that all life (i.e., vampire groceries) would also die.

An eclipse is not world-wide. You must be in the fairly small (geographically speaking) umbral shadow (sun directly overhead) to experience a "total eclipse."

So the vamps may still need that jet, to follow the night and/or the moving eclipsed bit of earth. I'd rather just sleep during the day, but I hate air travel.

I feel the revision's only disguising its plot holes a bit better--but most of the issues commented on from the original query are still there.

1) How is Gwyn immortal yet also have birthdays--will she keep getting older forever? That would be a cruel fate. Or, why is she only 17? --or is she 300 but looks 17? Why does an immortal being CARE about pretending to be human--especially because, assuming the dhampire she's in love with is also immortal, she doesn't even seem to associate with humans. Maybe if she'd fallen in love with a human, lived with a human family and didn't want to be immortal because she knew that would mean leaving all her loved ones behind, that would be some motivation... but as it is I just don't get the logic of this world.

2) I echo the others' comments that Gwyn sounds too passive.

3) And I STILL don't understand why the vampire would want to bring death to the entire world by blotting out sunlight when that would eventually kill him too--or condemn him to eternal starvation. Surely your villain can't be such an idiot he doesn't realize this? Is this a suicidal vampire? What's the difference between a vampire and a dhampire?

Don't be discouraged--keep working on it, keep revising. But if I saw this in a bookstore with your query as a blurb, all these questions would make me put this right back down. And I like paranormal fiction. Good luck.

What I love about this whole process is getting feedback from people who don't know the story, just like an agent. Ok, so a couple points and questions I have for ya'll. Gwyn is only 17, and I see how my wording has made it confusing(pretended for so long...) She is immortal and the story is about her having to buck up and be responsible at such a young age(considering she'll live forever). Yes, she childishly doesn't want to be responsible seeing as her parents let her believe the "norm" for gryphons which is they don't become guardians until much later in life. They wanted ber to enjoy childhood for as long as possible. Gryphons are naturally protective which is why they didn't warn her about the necklace. They gave it to her at 16 because they knew she would become the guardian as a teenager. On to the sun... I agree setting the sun forever is too far out there, but I chose a "permanent" and full eclipse because there would still be enough light to grow things. I know that a full eclipse isn't actually seen that way everywhere on earth but I'm taking some liberties. I felt that it was ok to stretch the rules because I'm already stretching them in that I'm adding creatures, that dont actually exist, to this world; as well as the fact that I'm adding immortality to the world, which also doesn't exist unless you're a Christian and still yet one doesn't live "forever" on earth. So, is it really wrong to stretch the science? Is this just a reader/writer/editor preference? Also, now that you guys have some background to the story, any more ideas/suggestions? Thanks for your help! Author

Author-

I did read your last comment. I think you're going to have to find a way to gloss over the reason that Gwyn doesn't know what the necklace is, because the necklace is so important, I don't believe the parents didn't tell her what it was and caution her to never let it out of her sight.

You will need a "close enough" scientific reason for the sunlight not getting to earth anymore. For example: Space dust and debris from an asteroid that exploded close to earth is blocking the sun's rays from getting to earth. Iffy, but may be possible. Don't use a solar eclipse if you don't know how they work.

An example: Gary Larson drew a cartoon in which a male mosquito comes home after a long day of spreading malaria. He got of flood of letters from scientists saying that it is the female mosquito that bites people. What they didn't point out was that mosquitos don't live in houses, wear clothes, speak English, etc.

I don't believe the story Dracula, but the only part that really feels "off" to me is the part where several men give blood transfusions to Mina without knowing their blood types. I buy the vampires, but I don't buy medical impossibility.

So you can be sure that even if your book has fantasy elements you can't get away with messing up basic scientific truths like how the sun works.

You can stretch the science all you like. What you can't stretch too far is reader credulity. If they don't believe it, you lose. What readers here are telling you is they don't believe it.

Extinguishing sunlight is one of those unreal things that can't be glossed over. Come up with a way to rescue it--maybe it's a temporary phenomenon. Maybe it can be turned off and on again, leading to periodic blackouts wherein enormous populations go missing due to vampire feasts...IDK, it's your story, but fantastic elements aside, the story can't be so out-there that no one can relate.

With the necklace, I could relate MORE to an irresponsible kid stealing mom's precious necklace and it getting stolen/damaged than "here honey, this necklace (which is terribly important to all life on earth surviving but I'll skip telling you that part for you own good) is for you to, um, wear."
Yes, the first scenario is cliched, but the second is unreasonably foolish and too hard to accept logically.

Protective parents would have kept the necklace, IMHO.

Further, I have a problem with weak female protags. She may be rebellious, but that is NOT how she sounds. To my ear, Gwyn sounds whiney. And, pampered. At 17 I'd expect a bit more gumption--especially since she knows she's due to begin earth-protecting soon. Show us who Gwyn really is, and why we should spend time with her.

Maybe instead of a scientific reason for the eternal night, such as an eclipse, you can have a supernatural reason, like a curse of darkness. That way you can set your own rules for how it works.

I feel your pain, author, about needing to get basic science right even in an alternate world! Readers will accept magic toasters and flux capacitors, but describe a turtle as an amphibian and you'll lose the respect of every reader who knows differently. Logical? Maybe not, but there it is.

What about a magick shroud of darkness enveloping the earth, to block out sunlight? I'd accept that over a giant eclipse (which implies a giant object other than the moon between earth and sun).

Why do vampires want to hunt day and night? You can drink only so much blood before you feel sated and need to take a nap. If you're drinking blood day and night you'll be so fat you can't get off the ground when you turn into a bat. Is it just lack of sunlight that vampires need? Because they could hunt in the daytime if they didn't go outdoors, like if they lived in a movie theater or a subway station.

"The Dome," one of the works in Steven Millhauser's Dangerous Laughter suggests another possible solution. If you don't have the book, you can hear the pice read by Alec Baldwin by going to http://thisisaweblog.com/2009/06/28/the-dome-by-steven-millhauser/

Re: the eclipse
You can adjust the type of solar eclipse to suit your story. It doesn’t have to be a traditional eclipse, it can be a type of eclipse that makes it safe for vampires to come out anytime they want, like UV blockers or SPF. Call it a Blood Sun or fairy-veil or something like that.

Re: Gwyn
We need more motivation from Gwyn – not the situational response but her inner motivation. For instance, she can be against the idea of being an immortal/gryphon because it’s tearing her parents apart and she feels responsible. If she declines the job, maybe they can stay one happy family.
You’ll need to clarify how old she is. If ageless, then maybe this is the first time she’s been inclined to fall in love and isn’t handling as well as someone her age should. Or if this is truly her 17th year on earth, dealing with the impending responsibilities may make her feel like rebelling.

Re: the opal
It’s possible that NOBODY knows it’s a phoenix egg. If her parents inherited it, or perhaps it was a gift from old Aunt Millie instead and Millie is the one to tell her, “Surprise! You’re immortal! And a Guardian! Now, where is that necklace I gave you?”
This story sounds great. Keep working at it.

Why do vampires want to hunt day and night? You can drink only so much blood before you feel sated and need to take a nap. If you're drinking blood day and night you'll be so fat you can't get off the ground when you turn into a bat. Is it just lack of sunlight that vampires need? Because they could hunt in the daytime if they didn't go outdoors, like if they lived in a movie theater or a subway station.

"The Dome," one of the works in Steven Millhauser's Dangerous Laughter suggests another possible solution. If you don't have the book, you can hear the piece read by Alec Baldwin by going to http://thisisaweblog.com/2009/06/28/the-dome-by-steven-millhauser/

This story sounds like it has a lot of potential, but you need to sharpen it. I would definitely read it if it clipped along with elegance and verve. You wrote 59,000 words. Your query should reflect it. The query seems almost longer than the book. A few sentences should sum it up.

Although you have written about creatures of fantasy they should still be logical. Every world has its rules. Imagine your characters with hearts and souls. They have limits and desires, and they need to rest sometimes. I read somewhere once that angels are allowed to smoke weed in heaven, but it has to be approved by Michael. See, rules.

Here's my tuppence, and I am next in the queue to be butchered so feel free to retaliate.

Strong points below from your query that attracted me (this is not a suggestion of how to restructure your query, that is your job, you are the author, figure it out).

Every five hundred years the Phoenix is reborn, a new body, a new soul, and in need of a new guardian.
Phoenix is in the household of an evil vampire (so they can also be good in your world. So when they're hunting day and night are there good ones who will protect humans etc?)
Seventeen year old Gwyn, an immortal gryphon with a predestined guardianship, has a red opal necklace. (ok, so that's where you got the title).
So now we now what's up. What are her choices?
She gave her necklace to Nolan, her crush. This is how the evil vampire got it. So her choices would be to forgive Nolan and get him to help her get it back, or ignore him and get the necklace on her own before the Phoenix hatches.
Please also sum up in a few words what a dhampir is. Or maybe don't even go there, you can explain that in your book. Nolan could just be her lover in the query.
Please leave Brandt out of your query, he/she sounds like a chronic masturbator.
As an egg, the Phoenix is vulnerable to true death.
Sum this up in one sentence:
True death will begin an unending solar eclipse, allowing vampires to hunt day and night. Gwyn must save the Phoenix before she even accepts her guardianship, or she will not have a chance to decide because the chaos of the night will engulf the world.

You should focus on Gwyn, Nolan, the Phoenix, and the end of the world in your query, nothing else.

Okay, I'm very late in commenting on this, so I don't know if the author will even see it... and even if she* does, she's probably drastically revising her query anyway, so this is likely to be irrelevant. But on the off chance that it does help... I just wanted to point out a few minor grammatical errors to fix in the query.

*(I'm aware that the author may be male, but I quickly got tired of writing "he or she" so I decided to assume one or the other. Apologies if I guessed wrong.)

"a dhampir who's troubled family life" -- "whose", not "who's"

"frustrations and confusion crescendos" -- should be "crescendo", not "crescendos"; the subject "frustrations and confusion" is plural.

"Gwyn's focus must pin point to deciding..." -- First of all, "pinpoint" is one word. Second, that's not what it means; "Gwyn's focus must pinpoint" doesn't make sense. Maybe drop the "pinpoint" and try just "Gwyn must focus on deciding..."

Also, while it's not ungrammatical, per se, the first sentence is really unwieldy. I'd split it into two: "Seventeen year old Gwyn has been playing the part of human for so long, she has denied who and what she really is, an immortal gryphon. But with immortality comes responsibility, a predestined guardianship that will consume her like fire."

While I'm at it: "Her new neighbor, Brandt, has an uncanny interest in herself." Kind of makes it sound like Brandt is female and extremely self-absorbed, which I'm guessing isn't what you meant (though I think that may be what gave CavalierdeNuit above the masturbation overtones). To make it less ambiguous, maybe "Her new neighbor, Brandt, has an uncanny interest in Gwyn herself." (Though since Brandt's only mentioned in that one sentence, it's not clear why he's important, and he's probably best left out of the query anyway.)

So much better! I love the opening line. Cut the comma after societies in 2nd sentence. 3rd sentence trim to: In Silasta they are...

There's lots of trimming to do, and the tense change in the midst of the second paragraph cuts the momentum.

How old is Jovan?

It seems Darfri should be capitalized, and Councillor should not.

One plot hole that needs to be addressed: why doesn't Jovan simply help with the food prep? Then no one could poison Tain...

Writer, this reads like an encyclopedia article.

Your first line is okay except that you don't follow up on it. It's a bait-and-switch.

Then the second paragraph goes into Britannica mode. Don't tell us how tasters are viewed-- not in some societies, and not in this one. If Jovan's our hero, tell us what challenge he faces and what he does to try to overcome it and why that doesn't work. No further details about other characters are required.

Also, try to cut down on the number of unfamiliar words and names, at least in the query.

EE, I do wonder if people are querying less these days due to the ease of self-publishing.

"Jovan must find a way to balance the fate of the city he has always loved--and the life of his only real friend--with his sympathies for the rebellion. Finding the traitor becomes more than just preserving his life and honour, but his chance for a future he never knew he wanted."

But what does Jovan actually do?

Your first line works well. It got my attention.

The rest is boring.

Anyway, it isn't competing sufficiently with other things that are demanding my brain cells right now. I will focus, though, so I can tell you what I think.

Things I noticed:

Make your sentences shorter. Don't start them with clauses: "Raised to value honour above all else," or "Investigating the secretive Councillors,..."

Consider this:

"Jovan, WHOSE anxiety AND compulsions made him an outsider AMONG his peers, found order AND peace IN his uncle’s intensive tutelage IN their family art OF poison proofing, AND an unlikely friend IN the Heir, Tain."

Here you're just stringing together a bunch of clauses and phrases with prepositions and conjunctions to make a sentence.

Here you do it again: "Duty AND friendship compel Jovan TO protect Tain, BUT the traitor is armed WITH a poison OUTSIDE Jovan's extensive knowledge, AND Tain is struggling TO adjust TO the new dynamics OF their relationship."

And again: "Jovan must find a way TO balance the fate OF the city he has always loved--AND the life OF his only real friend--WITH his sympathies FOR the rebellion."

Did you realize you were doing this?

Try writing a sentence with a core structure and sticking as close to that structure as possible. If it gets too long, make two or more sentences.

For instance:

"Jovan, whose anxiety and compulsions made him an outsider among his peers, found order and peace in his uncle’s intensive tutelage in their family art of poison proofing, and an unlikely friend in the Heir, Tain."

The subject: Jovan.

What about him? 1. He has anxieties and compulsions. 2. These make him an outsider among his peers. 3. His uncle teaches him their family art. 4. Jovan finds order and peace in said teaching. 4. Jovan has found an unlikely friend. 5. Said friend is the Heir, Tain.

This is at least 3 too many things.

A sentence should be ABOUT something, not just cramming in as much info as you can.

Author here.

In this version I was trying to address the comments from last time round - in particular, the role of a poison taster (AlaskaRavenclaw, if you look at the previous comments you'll see why I included the info in the second para), and more specifics about the main 2 conflicts. (IMHO, you asked what Jovan does...I don't know how much more information I could get in there about how he finds the traitor without it turning into a synopsis. It's already too long).

AA, yes, the sentences are dragging on a bit. Hazard of trying to get all the information in. Any suggestions about what parts you don't need to know, taking into account the questions I got with the first version? Any help would be appreciated. I've been looking at this now for several months and it's doing my head in!

I'll chme in and agree that the first line is excellent, but the rest is a let-down.

I had a read of the previous version of the query and the comments, and I can see your dilemma. You were trying to show how a food taster trainee had the opportunity to become an heir's bff. I think you could delete the line starting "in some societies..." and explain that Jovan was training to do a skilled and valued role when uncle died, then move on to the crux of the story, which seems to be his sympathies for the rebels in conflict with his loyalty to his friend, the new king.

Then illustrate his internal conflict with specifics, ie, what is at stake. For example, he knows of a pending attack on the palace courtesy of his darfri girlfriend, but will he betray her confidence and warn the heir, or risk being hung as a traitor himself. Or something.

We don't need to know anything that's not about Jovan and the challenge he faces.

And we need some Voice.

Don't think in terms of what to cram in and what to reluctantly leave out. Think it terms of enticing the reader to want to read more. Period.

To shorted, concentrate on the main conflict and the main character.

Keep sentence one.

All you really need from paragraph 2 is an explanation of the first sentence. Trash P2S1 but use the word noble in mentioning Jovan’s line. Don’t mention Tain – save him for the book. Drop P2S3 (“Jovan … Tain”.) Tighten P2S4 to about ten words. Drop last sentence of P2.

Bust the description down to something between 60 and 100 words. Then add intrigue and voice.

Okay. I see what the problem is here.

Looking back on your first query, I see that a lot of people (including me) said you needed to be more specific. So, you took that and ran with it. That's fine.

But there's something that you missed. A lot of people (including me) also said that they didn't care about the characters and that it didn't seem to be interesting enough.

So, all you've really done is add more elements to a subject many of us already pointed out we're not really that interested in.

Instead: Make it interesting first, then see if it needs any details added to clear up any really major confusion. You've done this backwards.

As Alaska said: FIRST it has to catch the reader's attention, make that person want to know what happens. Don't forget that is your goal.

Start over. You NEED:

A sympathetic protag with with an honorable goal. A time frame in which this goal must be achieved. A seemingly insurmountable obstacle. Decisions with serious consequences. Choices which require giving something up to gain something else. Important and personal stakes hinging on success or the right choice made.

If you have that, that's what the query needs to have in it.

I would start something like this:

Jovan was seven years old the first time his uncle poisoned him.

Jovan finds order and peace in their family art of poison proofing. His uncle prepares him for the day when he would take up the role of proofer and put another person’s life before his own with every meal. Then his uncle fails to detect a new poison and dies alongside Silasta's ruler, and Jovan’s carefully managed world falls apart.

This gives us sympathy with the main character. It is one boy's personal tragedy.

We have to care about one person first. Then we can start to care about what happens to his family, friends, city, and race.

I would care more about Jovan if he was more closely connected to the darfri cause. Is there a reason he wants to help the darfi rebellion other than that he's a nice guy? I suppose resolving the rebellion would keep his prince safe... but so would escaping the city and leaving it all behind.

For example... maybe his family secretly used expendable darfri to test their poisons on, and that's how his family has such an extensive poison knowledge. Or maybe he discovers his family are actually darfri who pretended to be good Silastans when they saw the opportunity. Or maybe, for a more subtle connection, he's now much more sympathetic to the downtrodden darfri since his family's been treated like trash after his uncle failed. Whatever.

We all know many real-life examples of injustice. Some things we ignore. Some things we follow on the news. Some things we may donate to or even choose a profession that helps victims of that injustice... few people put their lives in danger to join a rebellion when there is little at stake FOR THEM.

This disconnect, as it seems to me right now, is why I'd put this book back down if I'd picked it up in a bookstore--so I hope my comments help. Good luck with the query rewrite!

Move the first paragraph to the end of the query.

Does the Dravoi become the unparalleled force of destruction? Or, does Sabria? It's not clear if Sabria is partially changed by this experience or through her interactions with NightShade. I think a reader hearing about a talking black cat will assume extraordinary abilities--tell us if it is more than verbal skill that is critical to the plot, otherwise skip it.

How will Sabria gain the power of a panther? From the alchemist's spell, or is this innate? Be more direct with the information. Let us know if Sabria likes this change, or if she is developing a plan to a. Control her new nature, or b. Reverse this new change. I could imagine a slave being cool with being a mystic panther...easily.

The Velpheron paragraph can be trimmed. Also, how much royal blood does she need? Couldn't she have gotten a sip whilst Prince Valium was incapacitated? Why is it that she has to kill him if he decides not to help her? I mean, most logical folk will do pretty much anything to avoid being killed...make this seem like a plausible choice.

Maybe it's only me--and I put all sorts of quirky things in letters to be sure--but I'd cut the stuff about your cat approving the MS. It gives off a "crazy cat lady" vibe that gave me a bit of a turn when I read it.

On the whole, I thought this effort was better than the first, but it still could use work.

Writer, this query suffers from Passive Protagonist Syndrome. There's too much of things happening to Sabria-- stuff's attacking her in her sleep, she becomes the cat's keeper accidentally-- and too little of her taking action.

Things to leave out:

-The sequels. It's hard enough to sell one book. "Stand-alone with series potential" is the current phrase.

-Why you wrote the book.

Things to leave in only with extreme caution:

-The seven articles for Farming. They will neither help nor hinder your query. If you do leave 'em in, omit the description of the mag.

-Velpheron's age, esp. in newspaper style.

"Since you [fill in action here]..." should be used only in cases where it is super-sincere; eg the agent represents an author whom you adore.

(But here's the thing: She may have represented an author whom you adore... until six weeks ago, when they had a bitter quarrel and broke up, and the agent now spits whenever she hears the author's name. This latter development will not turn up in a Google search. Unless someone has been a very indiscreet Twitterer.)

This query could do with some post hoc, propter hoc. This happens, therefore someone has to do that, and because they do that (or they don't) we get this happening, and so on. At the moment we seem to have a series of largely unconnected events.

Sabria's wandering around after escaping the Dravoi then decides to fall in with Velpheron. Why? I suspect most women in her situation would keep well away from strange men.

If she sees him in danger and realises she can help but doesn't think she should because that puts her in danger, you have conflict. If she finds him wounded and delirious, and thinks she should help him, but knows it'll imperil her escape, and she's trying to decide whether to help him anyway, you have conflict. If she thinks he's her master in disguise, or the Dravoi in disguise, or...well, you get the idea.

Or you have a Shrek situation. She helps him as a woman and he attacks her when she's a cat, or, yanno, vice versa.

I don't even follow para 3. The only way she can get some of his blood without his co-operation is to kill him? How inept.

Okay, I seem to have strayed from critiquing the query into critiquing the novel. If it actually does make more sense than this query conveys, you need to fix the query. If not, fix the novel.

You should know that the name "Night Shade" is not giving the sff community warm fuzzies right now.

https://www.google.com/search?hl=en&gl=us&tbm=nws&q=night+shade+books

Move the first paragraph to the end and cut the "my cat approved this" stuff out.

There is a lot of room to cut.

My vote is to combine both Velpheron paragraphs and ditch the flowery stuff. Make this about Sabria. She meets V on her travels. She finds him intriguing and is desperate to hide her new pantherness. It's cool, cuz he's got a secret, too. Then he goes and gets captured, so she's gotta unleash her nature to save her new love.

Now, why is it that she'd have to kill Prince V to get his blood? Seems like he'd offer it up willingly if it saves his life in the process...so make this make sense.

It's better than the first attempt, keep on working!

Well, you can't go right with names anyway. I was thinking that "sabría" was the conditional of the verb "saber", but google tells me it's also an Arabic first name.

It's "Velpheron" that's more worrisome, though, because I can't remember it. Google's not much help there:

"Velpheron's Capsule was destroyed, 03/14/13 20:14:10 - Killboards ..."

WTF is a Killboard? Never mind, I'd rather not know.

Whereas Alaska thinks it suffers from passive protag syndrome – likely it does -- I think it suffers from synopsis cancer. It’s too much a synopsis and not enough query. To see clean SF query, look at Query Shark #242.

What is the main conflict here? It’s not clear which conflict is the main conflict. It still suffers from too much detail. Here are a few things:

- Don’t need to know ages unless it’s YA.
- Don’t need to know how Sabria is to be sacrificed.
- Don’t need to know that her security is shattered, just that she flees.
- How she becomes a lycanthrope is of interest, but not a lot of details.
- Don’t need to know the prince has a secret. Everybody in novels has a secret.

Try doing the query in under 100 words. It makes you focus.

"to subsume Sabria’s essence and become an unparalleled force of destruction." Dontcha hate it when that happens?

Seriously, I don't know what this means.

"Sabria meets and decides to travel with Velpheron (25)."
What happened to the first 24 Velpherons? :) No, really, how does one just decide to travel with a person of higher rank? Wouldn't that be the Nobleman's decision?

"His easy confidence as he teaches Sabria courtly etiquette enthralls her."

Since when do princes teach underlings courtly etiquette? They have servants for that. They have servants for everything.

"when she uses that power to rescue Velpheron from the enemies who took him captive."

When was he taken captive?

"Only the blood of a royal can save her."

There are ways to get someone's blood without killing that person.

I think all of the elements are here, they just need to be clarified, and tied together in a more logical order like Buffy suggested: something happens, causing something else to happen, etc.

Hi Author,

I'd lose the entire first paragraph - you can say in the last para that it's high fantasy, and I'm not sure why you need to say the bit about new and altered mythical creatures (especially as I wouldn't know, reading that, whether you meant that you've altered mythical creatures from our myths in your world, or you mean that the creatures have been altered by some force in your world... do you see what I mean? Also, how can something be a NEW mythical creature? Mythical doesn't just mean made up).

Character's new name is much better, though it does make me think of Garth Nix's Sabriel books, especially as they featured a black talking cat...

I'm not sure why the character's ages appear there, but then, I've seen a few comments recently where commenters seem overly focussed on their ages, so maybe that's why! Am I the only one who doesn't care how old characters are at the query stage? I mean, I assume you'd mention if they were really young or really old, otherwise I'll assume 'adult' and be fine with that.

As others have said, a bit of tightening would help. Lose excess words. Do we have to know the cat is black? She's already sounding pretty extraordinary without you adding the extra dose of extraordinary, but maybe that's just me.

A bit more clarity on a few parts would help, too. Who becomes the unparalleled force of destruction - the spirit or the master? Does Sabria gain the second form because she became the cat's Keeper? Is Sabria really just after the prince's friendship (I am seldom enthralled by my friends).

I may be in the minority here but I like the bit about your housecat. A bit of humor doesn't go amiss and really, if they've gotten that far in the letter, that's not going to stop them reading your pages if they like the sound of your story. So I say keep it!

Good luck - post another version if you want to have another go. (I know it must be frustrating, since I think I remember you saying before that you'd been working on the query for a year!). You are getting there, this version is a big improvement.

Hellooo! It's NOT sci-fi. And I read that QS query. And I know the protag can seem too passive; I restarted the entire book to fix that. I read from a good source that including the characters' ages was an ok thing to do, as it eliminated all confusion on that account. I read the first Sabriel book, and I don't remember ANY cat, black, talking, or otherwise. Sabria is based on my cat's name, Sabre. I like the way it sounds, it has 3 syllables, and is shorter.
Glad you guys like it better. I decided not to care what it sounded like, because EVERYTHING sounds like something else.

Thanks Anon, about the housecat bit. I thought it might be cute, especially to any agent that has or likes cats, and bring across that I live with and love and study cats. And most agents I've researched don't seem to mind if you obliquely mention your pets. To me, it's the most important part of the bio, as it gives me reality cred regarding cats. I don't watch them from afar; I LIVE with them and meow at them and pretend I am one of them. So yeah, catlike bits very realistic.

I'm stumped on whether to mention the articles. I've been told to mention if I've published ANYTHING AT ALL; then again, to me, my ability to publish non-fiction articles has nothing to do with my skill at full-length fantasy novels. So does it help, or not? It at least means I've submitted, followed directions, and worked with an editor before, so...

If I knew Velpheron had already been used--apparently in some kind of forum role-playing game--I wouldn't have picked it, but I'm tired of changing names. Makes me feel indecisive.

Oh, and guys? This is not a stand-alone-with-series potential. This is a book I broke into 3 parts, because I originally had the story at 190,000 words. By breaking it into 3 books, I realized I could actually have MORE room to write. This is not a trilogy -- which is three sequential books, usually having a time-lapse between them -- but more like LOTR, which was one story broken into three volumes. So I have to mention that there's more.

Ok, new, much shorter (215 words) body of the query. Any better?

Sabria has long served a powerful alchemist in relative comfort. Then her master chooses her as a vessel for the Dravoi -- a malevolent spirit that, once enfleshed, will become an unparalleled force of destruction. Sabria runs away with a shapeshifting cat, and while saving her life, becomes a shifter herself. At the new moon, Sabria will become a panther, and may not be able to return to human form.

Sabria meets Velpheron in the wilderness. Though she hardly knows the noble, she likes him, and her new instincts urge her to trust him. All seems well until Sabria’s new bestial nature comes to the fore. She fears what will happen when the shift takes hold of her, and fights it to the last minute -- but when Velpheron’s enemies take him captive, she uses her power to rescue him.

Since Velpheron was unconscious at the time, Sabria thinks to keep both his friendship and her secret. Then her recurrent nightmares become too frightening to ignore. The Dravoi is still a danger to her, attacking Sabria in her sleep and slowly devouring her essence. Only with Velpheron’s fully willing help can Sabria defeat it -- but if she can’t control her bestial bloodlust, she might well kill the one person who can save her.

My God, Author, that's so much better!! I'm super impressed you changed it that quickly and that well.

Now I feel a bit silly - I must be getting confused between books (I must reread the Sabriel ones, clearly, as for some reason I thought there was a familiar in the form of a black cat in them). Sorry about that.

Anyway, this version is clear and punchy and I would definitely read this book, so I think you're onto a winner. Well done.

It's much better. The conflict is clear. The main character is sympathetic. She faces high risk choices and takes action.

Were I an agent or editor, I would at least read a few pages.

It looks better. But it's still just one thing happening after another, with no rhyme or reason.

Here is what I'm getting:

Sabria was doing okay, working for her master, when suddenly one day he chose her to be the vessel for this evil being of unparalleled destruction. I don't know why, except maybe his other servant was sick that day. So she ran away with a shapeshifting cat, because-well, she likes cats.

She saved the cat's life from this huge dog, then she became a shapeshifter herself, because that's just what happens when you save the life of a shapeshifting cat. Then she finds out that she'll become a panther at the new moon, and may not be able to become human again. Well, she MAY be able too but may NOT. She's not quite sure how all this works yet.

Then she runs into Velpheron and decides to trust him because he's handsome. Apparently he likes her too. She uses her new special powers to rescue him from some enemies he has (for some reason) that conveniently show up just in time to be defeated by Sabria. Velpheron is conveniently knocked unconscious and misses the whole thing. He wakes up and never asks where his enemies went or why they conveniently disappeared. Maybe he has amnesia about that.

Anyway, this is great for Sabria, because she really likes him and doesn't want him to know she's a shapeshifter, but it's going to be pretty hard to keep it a secret since the demon thing starts acting up and he's the only one in the entire world who can help her.

Meanwhile, the original talking, shapeshifting cat has disappeared. It's probably joined a circus.

I'm being facetious here, but I'm serious in saying there seems to be no structure.

Well, seeing the tone that I'm going to be answered in, I don't think I'll make any more suggestions.

Others may feel differently. Clearly Anonymous does.

AlaskaRavenclaw: I just take the view that it's best to approach these things with a thick skin, even as a commenter! Happy to cut Shadow a bit of slack - he/she has been working on this a long time and we all know this stuff isn't easy, so getting a bit touchy isn't all that surprising. No offense taken on my part. :)

I don't see what having a thick skin has to do with it. If someone specifically asks for advice and then behaves rudely if you give it, you aren't required to put yourself through that for them again. You weren't required to do anything for them in the first place.

Author, I'd pay very close attention to AA's comments. AA hit the nail on the head.

Does she become a shape-shifter BECAUSE of the Dravoi spirit within her? Does she happen on Velpheron in the forest because he was actually out hunting this evil shapeshifter he'd heard about? Are Velpheron's enemies working for Sabria's master, who's been searching for her this whole time?

In a tightly knit plot, nothing is coincidence.

AA - I didn't say anyone had to do anything at all. Alaska commented that I 'obviously felt differently' - I was just pointing out that I didn't take offence at the writer getting defensive in the circumstances...that's where the thick skin comes in. I didn't take the tone as a rudeness so much as a bit of frustration. *shrug* Alaska's perfectly entitled to stop commenting if he/she wants.

Anonymous, I'm not 100% on the Sabriel thing, but since I'm so into talking black cats, I think it would have made more of an impression...unless it just didn't feel like a main charrie. You could still be right.

Oh, dear. Alaska, I'm sorry if I sounded mean. It just seems like NO ONE likes anything about any of my queries, ever. These two, even if tentative, positive reactions make me think I'm getting close. I've been working on the story since early 2010, if not 2009 (it's all so fuzzy) and the query for at least a year. (Not to mention the other shredded query on here for The Accursed.) It was frustration. I type faster than my common courtesy can keep up.

Um, yes, talking cat disappears from the query, because she's mostly supportive in the book from then on. Trying to streamline. See, someone told me before to leave out the bit about the prince being exiled -- which at least explained why he had enemies and hinted who they might be. (The rest of the royal family, specifically, his conniving uncle.)

Sabria's master chose her for the sacrifice because the summoning requires that something dear be given up, and she was the closest thing he had to something he cared about. (She was a VERY good assistant.) He did it then and not before, because it had to be on an equinox that was also a full moon. But I don't see how I could quickly and succinctly work any of that into the query.

Sabria chose to go with Velpheron because she'd seen him at her master's house. He inquired after some alchemy services but decided against it after realizing it would require killing people to accomplish. Sabria, fascinated by the first person she'd ever met who put virtue over self-interest, seized the chance to with him when they met outside the city.

Sabria saves the cat's life while escaping through the sewage tunnel. Just touching a NightPanther makes you its Keeper, and furthermore, the cat scratched her during the rescue. (Alternative to vampire bite.) Fate sealed.

Oh, and Velpheron's evil uncle does hire Sabria's evil master at some point, but it had nothing to do with bringing S & V together.

Now that you know the details, just //how// do you guys suggest working any of it into the query? How much is even necessary?

You're right, Kelsey -- no coincidences. I assure you the book is not as wacky as the query sounds...

Sorry I fell off the courtesy wagon, things were just really getting to me. This is why I hardly ever comment on the other queries -- a do-unto-others sort of thing.

I'll try to be veeery nice from now on. Promise.

Hi author,

I took a stab at re-writing your query to address some of the missing links. It's definitely not perfect and some details I made up, but hopefully this might help you see what I mean when I suggest that your subplots should matter to each other and one thing result as a consequence of the other.

---

Sabria has faithfully served the alchemist who saved her from the streets for over ten years. But he lusts for power and tricks Sabria into becoming a vessel for the Dravoi spirit, which would become an unparalleled force of destruction.

Sabria breaks out of her master's control before the transformation is complete and escapes with the help of a shapeshifting cat. To help fight the Dravoi, the cat’s long-time nemesis, it offers Sabria its own magic: shifting into a powerful panther at will. But Sabria cannot know how the two magicks will mix inside her—and accepting might mean becoming a jungle beast forever.

Sabria retreats to the wilderness to subdue her new bestial nature away from innocents. But there she meets on-the-run Velpheron, the one customer she ever saw stand up to her master. As they get closer, Sabria is increasingly desperate to keep her condition from him until she can find a cure, even while she wakes up from Dravoi nightmares far from camp with deer’s blood dripping from her teeth. But when Velpheron’s enemies take him captive she risks losing control and uses her shapeshifting to free him.

While they manage to escape, Velpheron’s enemies, in league with Sabria’s master, reveal they’ve captured his family and give him and Sabria three days to turn themselves in. In three days the moon will be full, and Sabria’s powers at their strongest—but now she’s discovered the one thing that can destroy the Dravoi consuming her. Only Velpheron can give Sabria what she needs, but if she can’t control her bloodlust, she might well kill the one person who can save her.

Interesting, Kelsey. I never even thought of having the Dravoi be NightShade's longstanding enemy. There's really no reason why I can't tweak around what NightPanthers really are and what they do (like hunt/hate rogue spirits)

And I never thought of the Dravoi's marking touch affecting the shapeshifting power. I have a lot to think about now. Thanks a bunch!

You wouldn't by any chance want to trade emails...?

I think Kelsey's rewrite is pretty good! It sounds pretty interesting to me.

On the Sabriel note - there is most definitely a talking cat - I think Mogget, from memory? - but he may be white, not black. It certainly struck in my mind when I saw talking cat & the similar first same though.

Hey author, sure--shoot me an email at k23097 at gmail dot com. And just remember any changes you make should feel right for the story *you* want to tell.

[Just for EE--I'm shamelessly using you as an intermediary here, so if this isn't the kind of thing you do, I get it. Thanks.]

Yes, "Sabriel" features Mogget, a shape-shifting demon servant bound in the form of a white cat. Great character, but it didn't come to mind while reading your query. Don't stress too much about that particular similarity.

Thanks, Anon :)

Wow.
Would winning that first word critique auction improve the chances of an agent moving on to sentence 2?

While the tweets are funny, I feel rather sad about people querying HR.

Ouch. I'd like to know the thought process behind the rejections, as some of these lines (like the ventriloquist school) sound pretty good.

There is no thought process. There was no rejection. There is no Hannah Rogers.

Now I'm spooked. I dont remember ever submitting even the openng word of a novel to Hannah, and yet the entire ex-opening line to a narrative appeared there, beside my initials.

But something I will admit to - the actual first 150 or so were resoundly shredded by EE and minions about eighteen months ago (for which I was grateful).

Surely no one starts a query with the salutation:

"Pardon Me Sir Or Madam"
or
"To Whom It May Concern"
or
"Dear Agent To Be"

I wonder how you, EE, deal with Hannah queries...
Form reject, no reply, or tell the authors about the hoax?

No reply.

Interestingly, I just went to Preditors and Editors, and discovered that Hannah is listed there. At least she doesn't have a $ next to her agency. But it IS described as "A literary agency." The description would probably include "spoof" or "lampoon" or "parody" or "satire" if anyone there had actually been to the site.

I can't even fathom how far this prank went. To get listed on P&E! Does no one read the site?!

The first time I read it I thought you'd graduated from simply 'evil' to downright diabolical...

Dave Kuzminski(sp?), AKA P&E, works with things submitted to him. He usually doesn't investigate until there's a complaint. He asks people to report broken links and such.

My confusion is about whether the romance triangle is the plot, or getting back the necklace is the plot. If it's the romance, add romance to the genre and show why it matters that she's fallen for the wrong person. If it's getting back the necklace, add in how the situation escalates to make it seem impossible she'll ever get it back.

Letting the sun set for ever is not a choice, so simply reword it as a consequence: She's got to [put this in terms the reader will understand] or the sun will set for the last time.

You get wordy in the last para out of nerves (I do this too). Take out the qualifiers and it makes the same points, only more strongly and elegantly. "Thank you for your time. Guardian of the Phoenix stands alone, but has series potential."

Is Gwennie being immortal important to the plot? It would be nice if you tied that in.

I can see how it might be hard to pretend to be human when you're 117 and still look 17 (and are doomed endlessly to repeat high school). But how hard it is when you are 17? What are the differences between you and other 17-year-olds? What sets Gwyn apart from her (apparent) peer group and makes her life difficult? Putting some hints about that in the query might make it more interesting.

Also, EE makes a vital point about Gwyn's predecessor. If she was also immortal, then what happened to her? Did she reach 1117, the age of retirement? Why has Gwyn been thrown into her role as guardian without warning or training?

Who gives a kid a necklace that holds the key to all human existence then lets them casually give it away? Maybe if Gwyn had been tricked out of it by Nolan, or his father, that would make more sense.

But then none of this really matters, because her dilemma at the end isn't one. End all human existence or look after a necklace? That's a CHOICE?

You'd need to come up with some amazingly dreadful consequence of taking on the role of guardian for that to be a dilemma. Like, yanno, she's convinced she'll make a mess of it and end all of human existence. Otherwise the choice is so obvious we're all wasting our time even considering it might be one.

There are some problems with the set-up here.

See, life on our planet depends on the sun. No sun means no critters with closed circulatory systems (humans or whatever) and hence no vampire-chow. Without the sun, vamps are sunk.

But long before the sun ceases to burn in the, if you want to be terracentric, sky, it will heat up, expand, and incinerate the earth. There will be a hot time in the old town, for vamps et al.

If you're setting a story in our world, then you need to obey the rules by which our world operates. If it's something like the Discworld where science is being bent all outta shape, you need to make that clear. (And you need to write so brilliantly that everyone will forgive you.)

Also, beware the dreaded Idiot Plot. (Sorry; I didn't invent the term.) Key symptoms of the IP here: Someone gave a child a necklace that could destroy the world. Antagonist thinks they can survive the destruction of the sun. Protagonist has to choose whether to save the world or not.

"I want to sincerely thank you for your time." ...So, what's stopping you?

As it stands, the query just makes me wonder whose idea this was: "Let's make the light of the sun depend on one single artefact-- how about a necklace. Then, we'll give it to a child who doesn't even know what it is. What could possibly go wrong?"

The sun is a bit important for things other than daylight, isn't it? Primarily keeping Earth from spinning off into space? How can the sun failing to rise lead to anything but immediate cessation of all life everywhere?

Hi Author,
EE's given you great notes. Most of your query is confusing and awkward as is. The phrase "but I have the desire for it to become a series" is particularly clunky. I hope, on re-reading, you can see why.

Wouldn't the whole world quickly die without sunlight? You really need to address this. I can't take this plot seriously if the manuscript breezes over this MAJOR plot hole as lightly as it does in the query. If eternal night does equal death to everything, then Gwyn's choice at the end is a false choice: she can refuse to be the Guardian and die, or she can save the world and live. Sure, it's maybe not what she wanted to do with her life, but no reader is going to believe she will choose to let the world (and herself) die in darkness--and without the belief that is IS a choice, all the dramatic tension is gone.

Don't be discouraged but keep at it. Read the archives, and not just a few. Good luck revising.

Left to its own devices the sun will eventually incinerate the Earth, but destroying the necklace obviously turns it off like a light switch. Maybe the vampire can turn it back on when it gets cold. Maybe he just uses the necklace to give us longer nights and shorter days.

Of course the sun's gravity would still exist, even if it stopped burning, so we wouldn't spin off into space, but we might wish we could, as we'd need to go spinning off into space if the sun stopped burning, in hopes of finding a star that isburning, (at which point our cryogenically frozen bodies can be awakened) and that the necklace won't be so powerful in our new solar system, or at least won't be entrusted by an idiot to a child.

Smart vampires would get a 747 than can travel at the speed the Earth rotates, and use it to stay on the dark side of the Earth. A full passenger load would provide a year's worth of food. Refueling stops would require catching up with the night every so often, so they'd have to time it right, or carry their coffins on board in case they got stuck in daylight occasionally.

I guess my biggest problem with this query (apart from the previous comments which are valid and on-point) is Gwyn isn't much of a guardian. It sounds like she gave up her guardianship early, and didn't even realize it. If she's heroic in the story, she doesn't come across as such in the query.

One other thing. When you revise this query, round your word count to the nearest thousand. As with including the words "fiction novel" putting the exact word count in the query is a giant red flag.

I found the Gwyn's motivation a bit confusing. Why won't she protect the sun? Or does she hate all life?

And EE, I'm assuming 'I gave her my Tonka truck' is a euphemism.

:D

Are interesting trades considered?
I've got Jon Voight's pencil rescued from the tragic fire that claimed his Le Baron.
Or, how 'bout Anthony Quinn's t-shirt?

I wish I could make my eyes shoot out evil death rays when I look at some of the work my 6th grade students hand in.

Unfortunately, I can't just read the first sentence and then toss it in the trash.

Damn, I'm in the market for a left foot.
Got Too many right foots...

Hahahahahahahahahaha!

:)

Though you should put the plot hole one up for real auction :)

I'll take a Plot Hole Filling Bulldozer, please, with a side of Winning Proposals.

But they're all soooo good....I can't decide!

Errr... I wasn't aware that agents commonly published anthologies, anyway. That's usually only after you're famous, or someone who IS famous invites you to join their anthology. And all the 'plots' you mentioned sound boring...

Sorry, but yeah. Also not the way to query them even if they AREN'T boring. And that first sentence is a wreck of subject-number disagreement.

Slushpile!

Unchosen continuations:


Still, he was a ripe old bastard telling me to get in the ring with the scrawny kid. In my prime I could have taken him, sure. But now? With the colostomy bag strapped to my paunch and the stitches not even set it was courting death's kiss to set foot on the canvas.

--Veronica Rundell


Like an idiot, I got into the ring. The kid gave me a funny look, smiled, and came over.

That's when I saw his ears. Little bastard was an elf, and he wasn't 16--no, more like 116. And he saw I'd seen.

Next thing I know, I'm flat on my back, the 'kid' is smirking, and I hear him say, "We're coming to retake our home."

Shit.

--Khazar-khum


I looked up again at the boy practicing, his rhythm still precise. This could be the break I'd been looking for. This kid really had potential. Better than my own feckless, waste-of-air offspring, probably sitting home in front of my computer now when he should be in school, his own hands a blur, fappity-fap, fap-fap, fappity-fap...

--Anon.


"Okay." I took off my sweater and climbed into the ring. This kid might have timing, but he wouldn't last against a former heavyweight's punch.

The kid adjusted his gloves, turned around, and stopped.

"Mich--Michelle?" I stammered.

My ex flattened me with a right hook.

Over by the bag, Coach was laughing.

--Khazar-khum

The speed bag wouldn't be in the ring, would it?

113 pounds would be super flyweight.

Not clear (to me) what anything in the last paragraph means.

First in order is congratulations on 1000 new openings. That's quite an accomplishment. The comments have helped.

I like all of the continuations. There's some great ideas in them.

Suffice to say that the narrator is going to get in the rings with the kid. That's the entire first scene. After that, my writing is blocked thanks to taxes and I've got to prep food for Easter.

Oh my god, it's the end of an era. THE END OF AN ERA, YOU GUYS.

(I am genuinely getting nostalgic here.)

Congrats on 1000!!! Every novel opening of mine that's ever gone anywhere, I workshopped here first. Thank you.

I don't have a lot to add, critique-wise. The final paragraph confused me as well. Everything else, I loved.

Am quite tickled by the fact that I could pick out the authors of both the opening and the continuation before I read the names. You both have a very distinct voice (Dave, I've probably told you that 1800 times).

I would read on.

Once again, EE, congrats! And thank you.

Hi there! I, too am glad to have had a chance to put my openings out there. Thanks for suffering them...

As for this opening, I was really intrigued. Liked the flow and would read on.

Couple quick things: I was confused about the speed bag being in the ring. That seemed off.

Also, as for the end-exchange, I wasn't sure if the 40 gal/min was a reference to heart rate--it seemed so, but perhaps not. If you are alluding to heart rate, I was really confused--and perhaps that's because Coach isn't human. I assumed he was. But no human heart sends blood through the body at 40 gal/min. The working human heart range is 5-30 liters/minute. 5 l/min at rest, which is where the coach would be. Maybe the boxer would be 25 l/min--heavy exercise. Anyone who might hit 40 l/min (olympic sprinters) wouldn't maintain it long. It results in extreme angina and the person usually must stop exercise due to both heart and lung pain....
(This likely wouldn't bother someone who doesn't know much about physiology, but I'd imagine sci-fi readers could be savvy.)

And, the continuation was outstanding.

Yea 1000!
Sorry to see this end...

Yes, the end of an era of Openings.
A number of years ago when I got free time and turned my attention to writing fiction rather than chemical engineering and related subjects, I searched and found websites that would help. First was Miss Snark, Second was EE. There were five or six more.
EE is the only one still operating or blogging or giving advice... He's survived where others have gone away. I hope the queries continue for a few more years. The advice is sound and honest.
As for the New Openings, I have EE's books. I've sent more than a mere few in those thousand and some are published, some have been forsaken.
Thank you.

Now about opening 1000 --

That last paragraph is what happens when a writer tries to shove too much information into too few words. I know I always say "cut, cut, cut" but there is a minimum number of words required to get ideas and plot lines across. The narrator is an orphan just like the kid they are watching. The Coach took the narrator in and made him a man. There's a father/son relationship there that I've messed up in the previous discussion between them. Fixing those last three paragraphs is going to take a half a day. (After Easter)

I have another one of those over-detailed distractions in the 93 pounds and flyweight. I spent two hours studying weight classes and creating my scrawny boxer. So I put in all that detail.
But I don't need it. i can see that now that I've been forced to set the story aside for to work on my Taxes.
What the paragraph should say is the Coach expressing his frustration that the Boxing Commissioners won't give the Kid a match because he's too small. That sets up the Kid for an offer the narrator is going to make. It also says that the reader has come into the scene after some other discussion between the Coach and the Narrator. The Coach seems to understand without explanation. However, the coach won't ask the Kid on behalf of the narrator.

And that is enough to pack into what amounts to about 300 words.

And that's what I do when I edit my own work. Analyze, chop, rearrange, restore, work the dialog both internal and external. Add some pizzaz and fix tone problems.

And I will miss these little sessions. These Openings force me to be better.

Thanks so very much once again.

:-(

Sighhhh....the last opening and continuation.

Thank you so very much, Evil Editor, for the lovely twists and turns.

I've had a few of my openings posted here, and benefitted from the critiques and have always had a great laugh with the continuations. I admit to only submitting a very small number of continuations...just not my forte...but really enjoying reading the weird and wonderful places other minions took their words to. you guys rock.

I'd love to see which openings and continuations were your personal favourites, EE, are you going to post a top 10 all time greats?

10 out of 1000? Someday, maybe, but I'd have trouble narrowing it down to 100. Of course most of my favorites are collected in the 3 Novel Deviations books, available in the Evil Editor store, or by outbidding everyone else in the Brenda Novak auction, which begins May 1.

Well done, EE

I've read quite a few great openings on here. 1000, wow

Unchosen continuation:


But, of course, that was impossible. The second she sat at the gargantuan table she fell headlong into the cavernous cereal bowl and nearly drowned.

Nearly, because the girl with the green dreadlocks tossed her a vine of hair with which to tug herself to freedom.

Geez, thought Lina, college sucks.

--Veronica Rundell

p1: "cut off" makes me think they're in vehicles. "Chaos" and "pandemonium" aren't both needed. It's not so chaotic that people are constantly colliding, so she probably wouldn't consider a collision inevitable.

P2: strangers with metal pins sounds alien. But the sights, smells and sounds of a cafeteria doesn't strike as something that would feel alien, even to a small-town person. Not crazy about the Star Trek reference or She smiled to herself.

P3. The first and last sentences are okay, but what comes between them has nothing to do with getting lunch. Also, a town of 3000 people wouldn't be the size of a football stadium. I'd expect 50 to 100 people in that space, if they live in houses. Does the town consist of a couple high-rise apartment buildings?

Cut this to two paragraphs, one showing she's overwhelmed by the people going every which way, and one showing she tries to escape by finding a quiet corner in the cafeteria.

Third sentence: "its" not "it's".

Or should I say, it's not "it's".

In analyzing why I wouldn't read further, what I'm coming up with is that a character who's this freaked out by the experience of eating lunch in a cafeteria is probably not someone I'd want to spend a lot of time with. Coming from a small town-- I come from a considerably smaller one-- does not seem like a good enough reason. If she's an actual alien, okay, maybe.

Maybe if you did a bit more showing and less telling, or spent less time on the alienation, it would work better. Something interesting needs to happen.

Also, a town of 3000 people wouldn't be the size of a football stadium. I'd expect 50 to 100 people in that space, if they live in houses. Does the town consist of a couple high-rise apartment buildings?

Funnily, that would be a good description of the town of Whittier, Alaska. One great grey deteriorating Cold War era highrise housing almost the entire town population and, at least when I visited, the post office and store. Depressing as hell, and mind you that's by Alaskan standards.

In fact, it's celebrated in song:

There's really nothing ****tier
Than waking up in Whittier...

(Since I was there, I understand they've built a road to the town, and it may be less depressing now. If so I apologize to any offended Whittierites.)

At the end of this excerpt, this is what I know about Lina: she is from a small, unnamed town attending a gigantic unnamed university, holding a tray of generic comfort food. And, she doesn’t want to bump into anyone.

How come dreadlocks are dreadlocks but facial piercings are “metal pins decorating their faces”?

I don't understand why this scene is so overwhelming for the MC. She applied the university. She should have understood a bit of the scale of the place. This anxiety doesn't seem 'anxious' it seems snarky and feels overblown.

Also, word choice feels off. Why 'university campus residency' instead of the more familiar (and economical) 'dorm'. It feels like you are using ten words when three will do, and that's hurting both voice and pacing.

Many people are upset by crouds, but would a college freshman be hoping to 'blend' or would she be looking to make a friend? It's my experience (as a student and a former college teacher) that people are looking to connect, not disconnect. It's overwhelming in an exciting way--more often than not.

If this were mine, I'd chop it down to a few sentences like this:

A girl with green dreadlocks and piercings cut in front ot her at the cafeteria. Lina hesitated. The noise, strangers, a flaring grill burning fat, no friendly smiles, overwhelmed.

Everything was industrial size. The university football stadium was larger than her home town. The university campus residency had a larger population than the 3000 she had come from. Hopefully, she could find a quiet corner.

Now this begs for someone to come in and either be very nice or very rude as a following sentence. Something like:
"Out of the way, squint, or we'll all starve."

Or maybe a bad pickup line:
"What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this besides not eating?"

Or possibly:
"I wouldn't have the barbecue if I were you, one of the horses died yesterday."

Something interesting, something outrageous, something to inspire the reader.

Seems to me it would make more sense, if she's going to think about tv shows or movies, to think about ones related to the experience she's going through. There've been goodness knows how many set on college campuses. She could tag a girl as Buffy or try to separate the jocks from the frat boys or whatever.

As it stands, this is very distancing. You're not inviting the reader into Lina's head but rather describing her from outside.

Constant repetion.

"Everything felt alien to Lina." "Everything was so foreign and industrial size." "Lina was out of her element and was overwhelmed."

In three short paragraphs you state Lina's feeling of alienation explicitly three times, and imply it many more times.

In case you don't believe that this is obnoxious:

Paul drove the pick-up slowly along the dirt road. "Here Rufus! Here boy!" Rob was calling out the window.

Paul was worried. Rufus, their dog, had run away three days ago and hadn't been seen since.

The postal truck pulled up and Mr. Jerney, the mailman, called, "You folks all right?"

Rob shouted, "We're looking for Rufus!"

Mr. Jerney scratched his head. "Your dog? He missing?"

"Yes," Paul said. "He ran away three days ago and we haven't seen him since."

"Is that a fact?" Mr. Jerney said, looking up and down the road. "Well, I'll keep my eyes peeled."

"Thank you, Mr. Jerney," Paul said. "Since he's been missing for three days, we're starting to get a little worried."

The older man smiled sympathetically. "Now, don't you worry son," he said to Rob,"he's bound to come back.
"Well, I'd better be getting along. Got mail to deliver, you know." He waved as he pulled away.

"Mr. Jerney sure is a nice mailman," Rod said.

"He sure is," his father returned. "It's just too bad he hasn't seen Rufus, our dog who's been missing for three days."

It's always nice when authors provide samples of their own mistakes to aid newbies.

I don't mind that Lina feels overwhelmed walking into her new college cafeteria--but I agree you should show more, tell less and make it clearer exactly what is frieking her out.

As Veronica pointed out, since she (presumably) chose to attend this college, I'd find it more believable if she wanted to connect with people, but didn't know where to begin (rather than wanting to eat in a quiet corner by herself right off the bat.)

What else differentiates her from the other students than just being from a small town? Did she miss all the get-to-know-you stuff in the first week and now everyone's in their own clique? Does she dress preppy and everyone else is hardcore hippy? I remember the first time I walked into a new school in a new country where I was only beginning to grasp the new language, and that was scary as hell.

Trim the fat, focus, and I also agree with Dave and Alaska that something funny/outrageous happening soon would help. I can sympathize with a character feeling overwhelmed if there's a good reason--but only for a while. They also need to do interesting things.

I didn't relate to this character at all, and I went from a rural town of 800 to a University of 35,000. I was often uncomfortable with the size of everything and felt very "other" for the first few weeks, but never to this overwhelming extent.

The repetition of the "alien" theme and her not really describing things in normal language actually did make me think she was an alien or was a human at an alien university, but in the later paragraphs, it seems that's not the case.

It's confusing and much too dramatic for what seems to be a mundane situation.

A big congratulations.

These are always great to read. Congrats Robin!

Congratulations.

Grats Robin.

Congrats Robin!!!!

Congratulations! Love the success stories!

Congrats!

Khool! Khongrats! Lovely news.

Congratulations. I'm going to read some of it now...

Liked the sample pages! Stormy is definitely sympathetic. Good job.

Thank you all!

This place rocks!

Congratulations!

Yayyy so awesome! Congrats!!

Unchosen continuation:


And, what was MORE amazing? How every time I looked into her hypnotic, kaleidoscope eyes I had the overwhelming urge to punch myself in the face.

Yeah.

Turns out the sadistic witch had a thing for humiliating ordinary guys like me.

So, as it turned out, she was EXACTLY like all the other beautiful girls.

--Veronica Rundell

This starts out like New Beginning #6:

http://evileditor.blogspot.com/2006/07/new-beginning-6.html


There's too much ordinary. We get it. Your examples of ordinariness are general. It would be better if you specified what your part-time job and make of car were, rather than call them ordinary, but even so, there's no need to keep driving home the same point, especially when the point is that you are dullsville. We want to read about extraordinary people, so get to the extraordinary part before we give up on you.

And get rid of Well, like I said, they were pretty amazing.

I like the premise - ordinary guy connects with extraordinary girl, but the writing is repetitious (e.g., "what a look it was" followed by "Well, like I said, they were pretty amazing").

Suggest ditching the first paragraph -- unnecessary and difficult to get through, with all the "wasn'ts" and "would'ves". Maybe even the second para - a main character telling me how ordinary he is doesn't entice me to read on. Show us he's ordinary, don't just say so in a paragraph.

EEditor:

Thanks for the advice! I haven't done a novel in first person before, and the opening has definitely been the hardest part for me (past this point - once the extraordinary kicks in - has been a blast to write...if only I can get my reader there)

If I cut the second paragraphs completely and the last line, then first 200 becomes:

I wasn't what most people would've called "extraordinary." Scratch that – I wasn't what anyone would've called "extraordinary." Actually, I doubt they would've called me anything – they would've had to notice me first.

And extraordinary things never – I mean NEVER – happened to me.

Until the day I met her.

Yeah, like so many things, it all started with a girl. A beautiful girl. The kind of beautiful that would never look twice at a guy like me.

But this girl did.

And what a look it was. Her eyes weren't blue or green or hazel or brown or violet – they were all of those at once, encircling her pupils with slivers of color that spiraled inward to pour their brilliant hues into her soul.

It wasn't the most auspicious of "first-meets," I'll admit. I had just finished my last class of the day and was trying to figure out my homework schedule as I walked across the parking lot. Should I work on the inane Spanish project Ms. McDuffy had just handed me before, during, or after studying for my chemistry test and writing a 5-page paper on the symbolism in Macbeth and doing 45 trig problems and …there she was.

I'm so with EE. Too much of him being "ordinary."

Take these three sentences:
Until the day I met her.
Yeah, like so many things, it all started with a girl. A beautiful girl. The kind of beautiful that would never look twice at a guy like me.

I'd rather read these fewer words.
Until the day when she entered my life, a girl I thought wouldn't give me a look."

If that was the third paragraph, you might get away with the excesses of the first two paragraphs. I like the tone of the narrator. He sounds like the talkative kids I know who aren't sullen, uncommunicative lumps with electronic devices in their fingers, but the waterfall/fountain of wildly and unending teen angst when asked a question.
However, it works in a novel in staccato bursts rather than the real life endless and quite mind-numbing internal conversations of teens.

So trim it. Keep the tone (it's fun). and remember, the girl makes him extraordinary. Use that word and the word "ordinary" sparingly. And one more thing: give the reader a hint as what is to come. . .

It might be an idea to give a hint as to why Amazing Girl looks at Joe Ordinary beyond 'because the author said so'.

I submitted my (2nd) revised opening last night before the additional comments went up - just to let you know I wasn't ignoring the minions' suggestion to add some foreshadowing :-)

In its current, revised form, does it seem like enough, or do you think some hints and nudges would spice it up?

Okay, I wish there was a way to edit posts that aren't posted yet (is that allowed/done at all?), but I would love to have this opening looked at instead of the 2nd one I sent yesterday (before the additional comments went up).

Here it is:

I remember the very first thought that went through my mind when I met Isabeau in my high school's parking lot: Hey, there's a pretty girl leaning on my car. I never said it was a brilliant thought, just that it was my first one.

Other thoughts came in time – like Why are we playing Putt Putt? And, What the---you just beat those guys up! And especially, Dude, you kidnapped me!

But that was later. First thoughts first. I had finished my last class of the day and was trying to figure out my homework schedule as I walked to my car. Should I study for my chemistry test before, during, or after writing a 5-page paper on the symbolism in Macbeth and doing 45 trig problems and…there she was. Leaning against my car, bouncing it just enough to make the shocks squeak, and tapping her fingers rhythmically on the hood. The sun painted the waves in her burnt red hair with streaks of gold, and her clothes – jeans and a sleeveless high-necked shirt – showed off her athletic figure.

I cleared my throat. "C-Can I help you?" Not the best line I've ever had, but, sadly, not the worst either.

I would cut this down to something like:

School's out for the day and as I walk to my car I'm thinking Should I study for my chemistry test before, during, or after writing the 5-page paper on symbolism in Macbeth and doing the 45 trig problems? And I see her.

She's leaning against my car, tapping her fingers rhythmically on the hood. The sun paints waves in her burnt red hair with streaks of gold, and her clothes – jeans and a sleeveless high-necked shirt – show off her athletic figure.

I clear my throat. "Can I help you?" Lame, but better than most of my opening lines.



As for the present tense, it depends on whether it'll work for the whole book, and whether it makes you uncomfortable.

Sounds like a fun read. I think it could still be tightened. Prune. Would he really think "there's a pretty girl leaning on my car?" or would he think "Damn. She's smokin'!" You can help us see this better, so SHOW it.
The homework quandary: shorten. Don't waste valuable real estate with this pedestrian stuff and get us to the interaction w/Isabeau faster.
Openings are hard. They kill you. Finish writing the whole thing then go back and revise the beginning. And then do it again, twenty more times. Move sentences around and see if that pushes the scene forward faster (it will) or sharpens the voice.
Also, one thing you've lost here is the underdog mystique you had going in the first drafts. Seemed as though this was a big character issue that is now lacking.

Stop. Just stop. Stop rewriting it to try to please the minions and take a step back.

Hemingway was the only author who could do that kind of repetition successfully. And he had a helluva time with it.

Lots of people attempt it. You know, the "on the last morning of Joe Dobbs life he got his usual coffee and his usual bagel at his usual place with his usual waitress." And on and on. It doesn't come across as style; it comes across as precious at best and pretentious at worst.

Bu6 if you have to use it, use it sparingly before someone throws your ordinary loser into the ordinary trash.

You get your reader to the extraordinary by starting there.

A few years back EE used to post openings. This opening (the original) had the feel to me of I LOVE YOU, BETH COOPER by Larry Doyle. I bought the book as a gift and then discovered it was pimpled with "F" bombs and the kid's Mother would have killed me had I given it. It's kind of a panicked and manic narrative.

I Love You, Beth Cooper
By LARRY DOYLE

Denis Cooverman was sweating more than usual, and he usually sweat quite a bit.

For once, he was not the only one. The temperature in the gymnasium was 123 degrees; four people had been carried out and were presumed dead. They were not in fact dead, but it was preferable to think of them that way, slightly worse off, than contemplate the unbearable reality that Alicia Mitchell's ninety-two-year-old Nana, Steph Wu's overly kimonoed Aunt Kiko and Jacob Beber's roly-poly parents were currently enjoying cool drinks in the teacher's lounge with the air-conditioning set at 65 degrees.

Ed Munsch sat high in the bleachers, between his wife and a woman who smelled like boiled potatoes. Potatoes that had gone bad and then been boiled. Boiled green potatoes. Ed thought he might vomit, with any luck.

Anyone could see he was not a well man. His left hand trembled on his knee, his eyes slowly rolled, spiraling upward; he was about to let out the exact moan Mrs. Beber had just before she escaped when his wife told him to cut it out. "You're not leaving," she said.

"I'm dying," Ed countered.

"Even dead," said his wife, at ease with the concept. "For chrissakes, your only son is graduating from high school. It's not like he's going to graduate from anything else."

Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial the Sullen Girl sang, wringing fresh bitterness from the already alkaline lyrics, her wispy quaver approximating a consumptive canary with love trouble and money problems.

Unchosen continuation:


"Why do you think, asshole?" he hissed. "She's the best goddamned beard in this shithole town."

As usual, he was right. That's why he's my Alpha Male.

--Khazar-khum

At least drop the first sentence. Better yet, cut Rob and open:

My cell buzzes; the screen says "Unknown Caller." I'm sure it’s Jessie, my stalker, but instead of letting it go to Voicemail, I foolishly answer.


Another possibility: start somewhere else, as this scene isn't tempting me to read more about any of these people.

I'm confused -- too many names. I also read "Je. Sus." as 'Je. Suis.' and thought the speaker had switched to French!

Had to read the first para twice before getting (I think) that Rob is heading out to meet Mary E, whom Dave thinks is beneath Rob's alpha male status.

Hey Veronica! Great voice here :) (Even though, admittedly, I feel bad for Mary Elizabeth.) I only had a few small nits:

First, Dave's response to "Fuck you" doesn't seem appropriate. (i.e. "Fuck you." "I'm trying.") More accurate might be: "Fuck you, Dave, " Rob snaps. "Knock it off."

Then we see immediately that the "I try" is in response to the knock it off, not the "Fuck you."

Got hung up on "Je. Sus." I kept reading it as misspelled french (Je. Suis.) Don't ask me why. Maybe "Je-sus." would work better (for me, anyway.)

Since the main part of the story is in present tense, I don't think you need "He'd been shit-faced..." For me it might flow smoother as, "But he was shit faced. And Jake has zero standards." (Unless Jake's dead now--that could account for the past tense in "had zero standards."

Again, I'm being nit-picky. This is very engaging voice. Love the continuations. Khazar's made me giggly.

I've been trying to figure out how this sort of thing will be marketed. It's obviously some sort of testosterone laden, profanity spiced, boys-will-be-boys kind of beer-fueled frat party style hijinks story, a la The Hangover. So, a book series entitled "Books For Straight Guys In Their Twenties" moght be a good presentation.

I'd definitely make sure the cover looks like those 70's comedy movies like Animal House.

If your going to do this at all, I'd totally go overboard with it. Naughty pictures should end up on the internet for all the world to see, guys should lie to their girlfriends about their other girlfriends, and things should end up in orifices they're not supposed to be in. See what you can get away with. I sense you could have a lucrative thing here if you can throw all caution, and taste, to the wind.

Very few stories can have a protagonist so awful that they can't redeemed in the reader's eyes by the end of the book.

This isn't a good opening for a story. It's like three day old road kill, something we know exists and never want to see.

BUt let's forget about all that. Who are in this opening?

Dave the narrator (1), who's being stalked by Jessie (2_, and his buddy Rob (3) who is disgusted with Dave (1) who thinks it's fun to tease Rob (3) that Jake (4) tagged Mary Elizabeth (5).

Five people in 200 words? Way too many for the average reader.

I'm with EE. Make the opening about Dave's conversation with Jessie or his/her reasons for their spat. Relationship angsts can hold a story together. There's many popular boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love, fall out of love, fight like cats and dogs and then find love stories out there with all sorts of window dressing settings and main plots.

I can't follow some of this. For starters, I have no idea what Dave's trying to do. Fuck Rob was my first thought, but probably that's just me. Eventually I realised he was trying to stop laughing. Perhaps you could clue the reader in to that earlier.

Then I wondered why Rob was checking Dave's phone. And why Rob does nothing to stop him.

You could probably start earlier so we know why Dave's laughing, at least. Why is this scene the start of your novel, though? Nothing much seems to be happening.

Veronica,

Two problems:

“Mary Elizabeth? … zero standards.” – This is a distraction and what is it doing in the middle of a paragraph about the MC and Rob?

One of the editors I’ve read recommends most conversations tags be a simple “X said”. He said that others act as a break in action – I’m paraphrasing from memory. These are a problem if that is true:
- he hisses - and is it Jake or Rob?
- he mutters
- I demand

‘“Fuck you, Dave,” Rob snaps.’ Is okay because it adds tension and I know Rob’s not being funny.

I converted a lot of my conversation tags because of this. Maybe EE could comment on conversation tags.

Could and did in Q & A 134 (http://evileditor.blogspot.com/2008/02/q-134-say-what.html)

Of course, searching seven years of blog posts to find the topic you want is tiresome, which is why most of the Q & A posts have been collected in volumes 1 and 2 of Why You Don't Get Published.

The 'average reader'--whoever they may be--has obviously never attempted Tolstoy, then. The problem isn't a surfeit of names; it's a lack of clarity and of any sense of a story beginning.

Thanks all! This piece is actually chapter two of a novel told in alternating first person--but it is the first scene in Dave's POV and comes after the female POV character has just been helped by Dave who she believes to be a "hero".

Dave isn't--but he does become one. He's been wingman to a "player" (Rob) for some time and is unsatisfied in that role. Jessie is a girl Dave hurt (recently and unintentionally) and the guilt is eating him alive.

I know I need to work on both dialogue tags and odd caps. Thanks Chelsea for the suggestions. I will also work on the character soup.

I loved the continuations...Dave's closet does contain some contraband, but not of the living variety.

Thanks again for your comments. I really appreciate the fresh perspectives.

The first paragraph has a light-hearted feel. Siddi says 'forget it!' to shaving her head, and enjoys hijinks instead. It doesn't fit with the subsequent description of pregnancy, slums, fleeing, and baby sacrifice .

The family is outraged, the priestess is mad, and the Naturalists are subversive -- but Siddi seems merely inconvenienced by it all (e.g., she 'really doesn't need more attention'). To me, Siddi comes across as a self-centered airhead (what's that reality show about teen moms?). I'm more interested in Arka, based on this query.

I, too, wonder about the audience, because the title and premise scream Fantasy (to me) and the MC's age is problematic given the very mature themes.

EE's right that parents won't want their darlings reading about a loose priestess who's also pregnant and interested in taking down the religious dogma of the society. There are dozens of blogs written by authors, agents and editors who specify the norms and conventions of YA writing--and how even the most tepid of sex scenes can be taboo. And, THIS story has at least five hot button issues in the query alone. It is bound to agitate the "decency" meters if it is intended for the YA market.

As to the structure of the query: a lot happens to Sid, but don't sense her voice, and there's no hook. What is the most serious problem she faces, and pick that as the focus. To me, it seems guarding her unintended pregnancy is the main issue. I'd build the query on that.

Also, was this a pregnancy from a beloved, or an oh-no no idea who's the baby daddy? Because, if the former, this could go Romance...

Best of luck.
(Disclosure: I give my teenaged son YA books with sex, drugs, and all that to read...he finds them boring. So one can never predict how the audience will receive it.)

I'd read any of those GTPs.

You'll probably only benefit by making it less starkly clear that the book has an Agenda. Ways to do this include: portraying your mad priestess less cartoonishly, showing the Naturalists with a goal more specific and immediate than killing god with science, and giving the priestesses a reason to suspect a virgin birth other than that the mother wasn't supposed to have been schtupping anyone.

From the query, I don't understand the need to have two viewpoint characters.

After the promising first paragraph, I don't see Siddi making choices or being proactive, just reacting to immediate threats. If she continues directing her own life, show that.

Is Arka really Kraa in disguise? I wonder because it's an anagram.

Was your protagonist dropped on her head as a baby? Chastity? Forget it! Death sentence? What death sentence? Oh, *that* death sentence....

I suggest making Arka the protagonist instead. She just wants to wait out her five years of nothing very much but her dearest and also most stupid friend from infant school/younger sister/whatever insists on running around getting into trouble.

Siddi could at least do something that doesn't involve bringing a death sentence down on herself, or running away at the slightest hitch.

Woah, tough audience to please, here. Never realized that the minions could sting more sharply than their evil master, but clearly not the case.

Thanks, Veronica for the tip about making it a Romance - I could skew the query that way.

Yep, Siddi is as self centered as most teens are. So if that's how she comes across - great! And she makes mistakes as fifteen year olds do. She has no choice but to live in the temple but is determined to cut corners and break rules whenever she can.

Part of her temple duties are to visit the poor, and it so happens she can have a rendezvous with her beau in that part of town, so she takes advantage. I didn't want her to be a Tess of the D'Urberville type person who gets punished for a rape-pregnancy. I prefer her to own her mistakes. But she didn't think it could happen on the first time.

I should reword the query to make Sid seem more proactive. In the narrative, Arka is the over-awed bestie who gets swept along in her friend's wake, but everybody here seems to think she's the sensible one. Ah, well.

Also, if my infant was being threatened by powerful people, I'd probably want to lie low and get as far away from them as possible, instead of being thrust into the limelight as the figurehead of a movement. I really wouldn't call that "running away at the slightest hitch", but as some of you seem to think it is, I'll have to tweak the query yet again.

anybody got ideas?

This is an "idiot plot." None of this could happen if all the characters involved weren't idiots.

The teen protag is stupid. She gets pregnant knowing it will mean her death? Please. It would be one thing if she actually fell in love with somebody, but just for fun? And she only has to stay at the temple five years, not the rest of her life. It just doesn't warrant that type of rebellion.

Then she falls in with these naturalists, who are really dumb. They decide the best way to draw attention to their cause is to take a newborn baby that's targeted for assasination and parade it in front of everybody? It makes no sense.

"...the priestesses believe her pregnancy to be a miracle, and a blood sacrifice of the baby will transform the goddess Kraa from a minor deity to the top of the pantheon, in accordance with prophesy."

This is an extremely contrived reason for the priestess to come after the baby. It isn't very believable.

Don't be a lazy writer. Characters have to have believable motivations. If the Protag got to be around seventeen and actually fell in love with someone she met in the slums while earnestly trying to do her job there, I could believe that. Then, if she accidentally got pregnant, I could buy that.

Suppose she decided to confess the whole thing, only to find out that the priestesses believed it was a miracle. Being young and facing a death sentence, she lets them believe it. But then when she realizes they want to sacrifice her baby, she runs away to the naturalists, and they hide her and the baby. She has to stop running at some point, though.

Also, it would make more sense if the priestess had an agenda to fool the gullible public into thinking she was a goddess instead of actually believing all that stuff herself. Making the main villain a cartoony madwoman isn't helping the story. It reads too much like a longer, more adult-oriented Scooby Doo episode and that isn't good.

I'll buy that she doesn't believe she can get pregnant the first time. I won't buy that she thinks it's worth risking death to find out. And honestly, a man who's prepared to have her take that risk? Not a romantic hero.

Also, she's let out of the temple with no chaperone? Umm. Women raised with strict sexual codes tend to obey them, especially as they're usually surrounded by people making sure they do.

Maybe you need to look at the worldbuilding again, because the freedom she's given jars with the whole enforced celibacy angle.

No abortion in this world?

It would be nice to see something in the query about her owning her mistakes. Runnning away is not owning. Also, the plan at the end is not owning, either. Owning would be standing up and trying to convince people that their laws on celibacy and temple service are wrong.

All that said, I don't find this too tricksy for YA. If abortion was introduced as an option, THEN it might be.

Yep, Siddi is as self centered as most teens are. So if that's how she comes across - great!

Mm, not quite.

To a grown-up, it's quite clear that most teenagers are self-centered. To teenagers, though, what they are is uniquely, catastrophically misunderstood.

So your target readership doesn't want to read about a protag who is self-centered.

I don't agree with Buffy on two points. One is that no girls risk sex under penalty of death; in our real world, a few do, and those are the ones I'd rather read about anyway. Second is the idea that abortion might knock this out of YA. It wouldn't; modern YA is more about the growing-up journey than any maturity rating.

I do largely agree with her and everyone else, though. I thought this bit was telling:

Also, if my infant was being threatened by powerful people, I'd probably want to lie low and get as far away from them as possible, instead of being thrust into the limelight as the figurehead of a movement. I really wouldn't call that "running away at the slightest hitch", but as some of you seem to think it is, I'll have to tweak the query yet again.

This is the third time she's fled in one query. That's a lot of fleeing. The thing is, most readers expect a protagonist to stop laying low and start fighting back by then, if not sooner. Protags gotta protag. If she does, please tell us, because otherwise it's a flee-fest* up in here.

Either way, the thing to keep in mind is that we can only judge your story as presented in your query, so for every time we say "your story --" mentally replace it with "your query makes it sound like your story --". It's just annoying to keep typing out.

*Flee circus? Flee market? I'll work on that one.

150 makes good points. I don't read much YA so mostly my observations about abortion are based on how rarely it ever appears in fiction of *any* kind. Except of course when the woman changes her mind or is punished in some way afterwards. It seems to be a 'no go' area all of its little own.

Cider House Rules...

I second Buffy about the fact that a teen priestess isn't going to be allowed to go minister in the slums without a chaperone. The young Mormon missionaries around here can't even go into the house of a respectable middle-aged single woman without an elder present. This is just to avoid the appearance of evil. And when they do go, they double up (to keep each other honest, I guess).

I also second Alaska. Most teens wouldn't want to read about a self-centered and apparently pretty dumb protag. There are a lot of self-centered and airheaded adults out there, too, but that doesn't mean they'd want to read a story with a protag like that.

In fact, if this is what you think of teens in general, you probably shouldn't be writing about them. It's like being a children's author and writing a book called "Levi, The Obnoxious, Whiny, Snot-Nosed Little Brat." Well, you could write it, but who would publish it?

Wanted to run this query by two of my sons--for an audience take on the topic... (For reference, one is 16 and the other 10)

So, I began with the title, and the 16 y/o interrupted: "Wait a second. Did you just say Virgins of Crotch?" This caused considerable hilarity with the 10 y/o choking on his drink and water/snot rocketing out of his nose.

After we cleaned up the mess and I got back to reading the query they agreed. The girl's weak. She does too much fleeing.

Most valuable advice from this totally random sampling: Beware people thinking the book is called Virgins of Crotch and shelving it in Erotica...

Also, if my infant was being threatened by powerful people, I'd probably want to lie low and get as far away from them as possible, instead of being thrust into the limelight as the figurehead of a movement.

See, I think that's the problem right there. You want your protagonist to do the safe and sensible thing.

Readers, on the other hand, want protagonists to protag. To take risks. To do the right and dangerous thing.

Suppose they don't want to use the infant as the figurehead of a movement- which doesn't make any sense anyway- and want to use Sid instead. That would make sense. A priestess who left the church and was able to state why clearly is better than an infant who, for all people know, is just a normal infant.

Then Sid could be conflicted. On the one hand, this is a new family. They are taking care of herself and her baby. She really wants to do as they ask.

On the other hand, it's bad to put her baby in the spotlight. Despite all the people around, they aren't very powerful people, and she doesn't want to do anything that would hurt the baby.

One thing she can't do here is run away from the problem. Alone, she and the baby are sitting ducks and she doesn't have experience with survival in the outdoors anyway, having been groomed for the temple.

Having characters conflicted, make painful decisions, and face difficult truths is what makes them realistic and interesting.

Yay! Congrats.

Congratulations, hope you get published. Let us know when.

Hey, terrific. Good luck!

Congratulations, Ann. Good luck with the next step!

No, I like the query the way it is. All the dumbassery is right up front so nobody has to waste their time.

Oy. 'Righteous prejudice' to one is 'bigotry' to another. I'd lose that phrase forthwith. Also, dump the census stat and send this through the spell/grammar check twice. And once more for good measure.

There's no such thing as a system of characters. And, there's a wealth of literature that addresses interracial/cross-cultural relationships--hundreds of books on a simple genre search--so the angle isn't unique or lacking.

This query preaches at me, and that sucks because I love the concept. Good students find each other at college and fall 'in like' despite cultural differences--a solid storyline that could be interesting with the right twists. Plus, Basque is exotic, and I can imagine the hilarity when poor Seth gets his first bite of pickled tongue.

The title (either of them) too many wrong ways to take it. Be more specific.

Please tell us more of the plot. For example, why is Seth's mom so anti-other? Does Seth live at home still?
I mean, kids often pick schools that will be too far for commuting just to get away from their nosy parents...so I wonder why Seth's mom has a role here.

Real world alert-lots of LGBT kids come out at school, when they are FAR away from parents who might disapprove. And, when mommy and daddy call they pretend all is 'normal'. I could imagine Seth acting the same way if he truly likes Lina, yet fears his mom's bad opinion.

If the racial tension is so high, I question why Seth chooses to get involved with Lina at all. Seems as if she wouldn't be his 'type'. For a character who is all about black-pride, Lina's not a logical choice for Seth. You need to make this sound plausible.

Best of luck.

If one in ten American couples are interracial (and I'm surprised it's that low), then it stands to reason that the topic of interracial luv is rather humdrum, so your story needs something more to carry it.

Obama actually makes quite a fuss about his Irish heritage.

A book where racial tensions exist because black people are too prideful and prejudiced against white people is not what I'd call authentic. Evil Editor is being nice in suggesting you hide all that, so the agent doesn't know it until they pick up the book. But they're still going to find out when they pick up the book.

Lina might need a different surname as 'Gilchrist' originates in Scotland, not the Basque region.

IS Seth's Mom a child of the Black Power movement? If she is, and that's how it sounds, then Seth will have to work mighty hard to get over what she inculcated in him.

Now, why a Basque girl? That's a pretty small group, even in California. Or is this based on real events?

If that's the case, say so.

First I was thinking "It must be Literary-- those don't have to make sense."

Then I was thinking "Oh, it's Christian fiction-- those don't have to make sense either."

But in the end, it turned out it just didn't make sense.

"I never thought of every personal interaction as yet another opportunity to kill someone, but in a way it is so true."

It takes an uncommon mind to think of these things.

Oh gravy. There was no genre mentioned but it seemed to be (unfortunately) a thinly-veiled memoir... Yikes!

Memorable to me as the only time I ever wrote a decent GTP.

I think you are trying too hard with the music and confusing the reader but don't go throw those themes out. They are good and give the opening body (and soul)... Sorry, I couldn't resist that.

Rather than throw the lyrics out, why don't you begin with that last paragraph?

Everybody has secret. Big Ones, little ones, dirty ones. Devin in mine not because he shares my bed but because he sleeps next to me, several nights a week.

And then you can work in why she wants him near but is satisfied without the sex and to do that use the music. I wouldn't use the title and lyricist like "Stand by me". I think that the way to worked Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry" into the text. She can say that even if she begs him for that "moondance, that romance with you, my love" People will know the lyric you mean.

Devin's presence sings to April. It's all so one-sided romantic and torch song-ish. That is the musical equivalent of what you are writing, I think.

Unchosen coontinuations:


But I don't answer.

Devin gets up. He's careful to pull the sheets over me, so my body won't get dry. That sunscreen oil keeps my skin a little moist, at least for now.

Devin plants a kiss on my head. I want to kiss him back, but I can't. That's one of the things that sucks about being dead. Just think, I tell myself, how great life would be--if Devin hadn't killed me.

Devin leaves. Maybe tonight, when he comes back, he'll bring me flowers. For my birthday.

--Khazar-khum


* * *

[Voice Over:]

There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call "The Friend Zone".

doo da doo da, doo da doo da...

--Anon.

Everyone's familiar with Stand by Me and Moondance, so no need to tell us the singers' names. (Anyone who isn't familiar with the songs probably isn't familiar with the singers either.) As for the quote, the scent of your skin lingers on me now, this is sung about someone who isn't currently in the singer's bed, in fact someone who may never again be in her bed, so it may not be analogous to the situation in which Devin is in April's bed. Of course she notices the scent of his skin when he's curled around her.

I don't think Jake and Charlie belong in the opening.

Thanks for the feedback. It's tricky knowing what is too much/not enough. Abandonment and the healing power of music are major themes--particularly as experienced by April.

The continuations--all humorous--opened my eyes to the possibilities in this scene. So, thanks for those, too!

Hey Veronica. I really loved this! I wouldn't change almost anything, but I do think the "I've known Devin since I was five" paragraph can be woven in later, unless the fact that he's eighteen is significant.

Also, would you consider doing "not-so-dirty secret," since the significance is they're not sleeping together?

Otherwise, loved this! Would totally read on! :)