All the way to the wilds of Hawaii. My contracts are Fed Exed and I dutifully sign them where the little pastic arrows are stuck. I pretend to read them then I mail them off.
Money then appears miraculously in my bank account.
It is magic.
For a while I thought it was elves and fairies but then I went to New York and met everyone.
They are real people.
How cool is that?

Next question -- do we have to move to Hawaii to write compelling works like "The Lottery" and get the elves and fairies mucking around in our bank accounts?

Voice recognition software has come a long way; this writer could also read the work aloud into the computer...

...although the process of typing a handwritten draft in oneself is a GREAT opportunity for the first revision, one I wouldn't miss.

This person types for pay ... and needs to be told that there are people out there who type for pay? Oy.

*gives a sheepish look in the direction of her Latin dictionaries*

Writer's Digest (in spite of all my issues about their full-page ads for the pay-to-publish industry) has lists of ads in the back for people who type manuscripts. The rates vary, but will usually run a couple of bucks per page.

Some scanning programs are able to recognize handwritten words and transcribe them into typed Word documents. Do your research, you might be able to find one of these beauties. You could write to your heart's content and have your spouse-creature feed the pages whilst you cook. Best wishes!

Would KY object if there are squirrel ghosts ?

If you can't type your book without injuring yourself, then you'll have to manage your schedule or find some other means ... but unfortunately, your health is not something that the agents will be prepared to break that important a rule for. Unfamiliar handwriting is just not that easy to read - especially for a whole book's worth of material: eighty thousand words or more in handwriting is enough to give anyone a headache, even if the handwriting is perfectly nice.

I fear it's a contest between your sore hands and the agent's sore eyes, and agents being only human, it's their own pain that will carry the day.

Let's hope you sell the book for millions and can quit the transcription job, but in the meantime, don't give yourself such bad RSI that you can't even hold a pen, and good luck in finding a solution.

Just out of idle curiosity, do you really think that writing a dozen or so fulls by hand is easier than typing it all up once?

Elektra, I was wondering that, too!

If you've worked your way up to ice at night, that pain in your hands is not just typist's cramp; it's repetitive strain injury, of which carpal tunnel is the best known but surprisingly the least-common form for writers. You need a diagnosis and treatment before you end up with the inability to work full time. The Irving J. Selikoff Clinic at Mt. Sinai in New York is particularly good. Any physical therapist or chiropractor trained in Active Release Technique can also probably do a world of good (you can find one by going to the Active Release Technique website). You might drop in on an RSI (repetitive stress syndrome) support group; these are people who tend to do to a lot of research about their condition. Sorry to be alarmist, but ice is not a treatment, and nerve damage doesn't go away if you keep hitting your fingertips against a keyboard without changing anything else. The good news is you often CAN reverse it.

Suck it up and/or bite the bullet, dear writer.

No one gets out of this one.

Try hammering your million words of drek and first three novels out on a K-Mart portable with white out and carbons the way I did. You'll regard the click of a keyboard as music for the rest of your life.

This is the silliest question, I've read to date. I can't believe this wasn't a nitwit alert here. Come on! You type other people's work for a living and think it is ok to find someone out there who is going to take your handwritten manscript to print? WTF?!

As the poster of this question, I have a few details that I left out that may answer some comments.

I'm poor. I can't afford to pay anybody else for anything. I can't afford any extra software. All my money goes to basic daily survival.

Beacause of how many hours a day I spend typing, writing by hand is actually a relief, especially with this fantastic fountain pen I received as a gift. Also, I can't spend more than half an hour writing a day anyway.

I do the best I can with the situation at hand (pun intended). I was mourning the by-gone days of when all manuscripts were handwritten and wanted to see if there was any other choice besides getting a new job.

Sigh. It's hard being a nitwit...

Then again, there's that hand written submission by Frank McCourt that ended up in the hands of the legendary Molly Friedrich.

I wouldn't risk it. The odds are stacked against you.

I was going to suggest taking a vacation to type up your ms, but since you can barely pay the bills working full-blast, that option's probably out.

Any kind-hearted friends/family members who'd be willing to help you out?

Any chance of getting a new job with better pay and less typing?

Have you tried give-away organisations like Freecycle? If you keep your eyes on them, you might be able to get hold of a free scanner or some software, which might save your poor suffering hands. Or possibly some hand braces, which will support your hands while you type, and reduce the damage.

Do read up about RSI and do the exercises; I know more than one person who's got it, and one of them literally became unable to hold a book open. Full-blown RSI is awful. You need to take care of yourself.

Beg or borrow, sweet-talk friends into typing for you, copy-type with two fingers, but don't risk disabling yourself. You want to be able to keep writing for a very long time.

On the plus side, many people believe that there are artistic advantages to writing out a first draft longhand, so maybe some good will come of this early disadvantage.

Oh, and I don't know if it works this way in the States, but in the UK you can often get cheaper treatment for things like RSI if you go to an osteopath's or physiotherapist's training college and let the students work on you under supervision. Hopefully things won't get that bad, but just in case they do, it's a way to save money...

OP, get out of the victim mode and into solutions. You're working doing transcriptions all day but you call yourself poor. Go ask for a raise or get a better job. Are you missing the irony that you type for a living but say you can't afford to pay someone to type your manuscript? What about a trade?

If you are in pain, the best thing that could happen to you is you realize this may not be the best job for you. Your health is everything.

a lot of RSI experts don't like to see wrist braces worn while typing; it's just propping up weak muscles instead of strengthening them. for the same reason they often don't like wrist rests: ideally one should be strong enough to hold up one's own arms and keep the wrists in neutral position. better to get into the gym and strengthen the arm and back muscles, plus abs, for posture. try wearing wrist braces while you sleep -- often that helps a great deal. there's a lot of difference of opinion in this field, obviously. feel better! Oh--if you have trouble holding books or turning pages (yeah, it can get that bad), any doctor or physical therapist can certify you to get free books on tape from the Braille Library. Amazing.

For people who have wrist pain while typing, I always recommend two things that have helped me a lot.

(1) Buy a split (ergonomic) keyboard. They're not that expensive, and they'll put your hands into a much more comfortable position.

(2) Learn Dvorak, an alternate typing method. You can set your existing QWERTY keyboard for Dvorak input and switch back and forth at will. Sure, it takes work to learn a new layout, but not all that much work. It took me 15 minutes a day for a month or two, while typing QWERTY most of the rest of the time; you can do it in weeks if you switch cold turkey.

I used to get sore wrists all the time, even with the split keyboard. Not anymore!

Interesting response. My agent very specifically wanted me to keep writing while he was trying to sell the first book and to send the next one along as soon as it was finished and so on.

At one point, before the first sale he had four of my novels out with various editors. Now, with four sold (only 1 from that intial 4), he's got five out along with five proposals--I write more than one book a year.

My agent's reasoning (as I understand it) is that he's repping not just this or that book, but helping me to build a career to both of our benefits which means multiple books sold sooner rather than later and that more books out is going to do that faster.

Miss Snark's method seems to be quite different (I'm sure she has excellent reasons) and I'd be interested in hearing the thinking behind it.

Would you consider a novel and a non-fiction proposal two wildly different animals?
I currently have both with my brand new agent and was wondering what kind of game plan to expect.

Go. Jesse Dayton is worth the twenty bucks alone, but with the proceeds going to a good cause yo have no excuse. Unless you are like me and live some eleven or twelve hundred miles from NYC.

I'm impressed that it's being operated so that 100% of the proceeds goes to the cause.

Too often there are disclaimers that only 100-x% of the proceeds are going to the cause. When that happens, I can't help but wonder just how much profit is being made on someone's hardship.

Like I said, I'm impressed that it isn't the case here, that people are willing to donate their time and resources freely to generate money for the cause. So, to echo the sentiments, please go and attend if you're in the area. Celebrate the good we learned about too late.

Oh wow. God bless him, his family and loved ones.

What a terrible thing. All too often, we take our law officers for granted....

Oh, what an awful thing for those two officers and their families and friends. Such a horrible tragedy. :( The one positive I can see in the situation is that they kept the gunman occupied long enough that he couldn't take any other civilians' lives before other officers made it to the scene. I hope they raise a lot of money at this tribute!

OK, Miss Snark, I'll bite. Like most of the aspiring wannabe writers here, I have a few other time-sucking obligations in my life, like husband, children, day job, dog, etc. I'm darn proud when I can crank out a chapter in the wee hours and not end up face-first on my keyboard during my day job. I've avoided finding new blogs to read, and starting my own, because I know if I ever want to finish this novel I'd damn well better have my butt in the chair writing.

It just seems that starting a blog has "time suck" written all over it.

OK, I read your blog. But that's it... really. Honest.

I don't have a blog. I don't have a web site. I figure if I'm lucky enough to get published one day, creating a web site will be top of my list. But to worry about it now seems akin to obsessing about cover art for my unfinished book. Cart before horse and all that.

Please send reassurance that a web presence is OK to ignore for now and just get the damn book done.

get the damn book done.
You're exactly right.

your dog is most important.

That's a nice bunch of links. thanks.

And as for a blog - lots of time and requires laser-like focus.

"Dear Diary, today I ate and brushed my teeth ane yelled at the dog for doodoo'ing in the house" is way, way, way, way, way, way, way too mundane. Nobody cares about mundane stuff.

IMHO, if you’re just writing a blog to gain a big audience, you may be disappointed. There are many really good writers out there blogging with very little readership.

If you’re going to blog, do it for you. Do it because you have something to say. Do it because it helps you to be disciplined. Do it to promote your book and your ideas.

I try to write a little something in my blog everyday because it forces me to be creative and keep writing. I also try to read other blogs as often as possible because they give me good ideas and insights.

Blog for yourself. If your blog is really good, people will find it.

You know, you're not helping us write if you keep giving us great blogs to visit ...

(Course, in this spirit of this site, one can also say that if you're spending time blogging when you should be writing, maybe you should reconsider this profession.)

If you decide to start a blog, I'd suggest practicing on an anonymous site for a while until you get the hang of it.

Blogging was pure torture for me the first few months. It's almost second nature now and a nice break when I need it during the day.

I agree with froggy. Time-suck.

This is the only blog I read with regularity. I often don't comment because by the time I read (west coast) others have already said what I'd have said anyway, so why be redundant? But I read every word.

The only reason I made a blog is so I can comment here. Still, it was fun to post a couple of things. I hope that doesn't count against me in the big, bad publishing world. The first thing I posted was a photo of my most fabulous dog, who is ten times the size of Killer Yap but would probably let KY run his show anyway.

I started my blog for the LA Times Pressmen.
It's been a great experience. But from the start, I knew who was going to be reading it --which included newspaper editors & writers--so I couldn't exactly just moan about the state of my hair, or the fact that Miss Snark has stolen George right out from under my stilleto-clad feet.

So yes, I agree. Don't start one unless you have something to say. The best blogs have a 'voice,' even if it's a multi-topic one.

And no, blogging is not writing our books, which has to come first. Blogging comes way down on the list after paying my bills online and googling My Antonio.

In the informative blog, the guest blogger says this below, which is contrary to my own experience. Say it ain't so, Miss Snark!


In far too many cases these days, a ms that isn’t formatted properly according to the publisher’s own unique, esoteric style guide risks rejection for that sin alone. And most of the time they won’t tell you ahead of the game what they do want!

Doesn’t matter how great the story. Doesn’t matter how vivid the writing, how compelling the characters. Wrong line spacing—Phfttt! Wrong font or font size—Phfttt! One space between sentences when they want two, or two spaces when they want one—Phfttt!

PS. to my previous comment: I know weird fonts and colors scream for the clue gun, but if the blog post author was being tongue in cheek about the rest, I sure couldn't spot his styloglossus in his buccinator. I mean, come on now, a ms. can be rejected for having two periods after the spaces--er, too much gin and not enough tonic (it's sunset in the tropics here)--two spaces after the period?

(PS The gin was consumed out of dire frustration after an hour at not getting Internet Explorer 6 to work in opening my very rarely used Blogger account in order to change my user name --I had to download Firefox, which works like a charm)

May I add one piece of advice for those considering starting a blog for promotional purposes?

Be nice.

Blogs are too often used as steam vents, and unless that is central to your theme (a la Miss Snark's), it's going to put some people off. I'm not talking about the occasional rant. If your online personality is incessantly abrasive or plaintive, you'd do better to let your books sell themselves.

I've bought books from Neil Gaiman and Adrienne Kress based solely on their blogs. I just can't support a curmudgeon.

Queen Snark speaks wisdom. I especially liked this paragraph:

'Starting a blog just cause you've heard it's a good idea is the wrong starting point. The right starting point is do you have anything to say, and do you have enough of it to say one new thing every day for a year.'

We all have our strengths and weaknesses. I suggest starting your blog. It's free and easy. Give it at least a month. If you use Blogger (this one here that Miss Snark uses,) there's a wonderful article in the Help section entitled 'Promoting Your Blog.' Do what it says. The most important thing is to blog every day. If you don't enjoy it, your writing will be less-than-stellar and your readership will show it. Delete the blog. No big deal. However, if you do enjoy it, keep blogging! Even if your readership doesn't show it at first, keep blogging because sometimes it takes a couple of months for people to find out about you. Best of luck.

Oh, here's an excellent example of a blog:
pkwood.blogspot.com

One thing I found interesting about those blogs you listed, Miss Snark, was that of the five, only ONE had its RSS feed turned on.

If your feed isn't on, folks, you're losing readers. I'd have probably added three of those blogs to my reader list -- but they won't let me. Their loss.

A dead blog is not a plus.

But is it a minus? Also, what if your blog is not about writing, and hardly ever mentions your writing? I ask because I have a non-writing blog that has been sadly neglected for the last few months, and I'd hate to think that its existence is a drag on my prospects.

I agree with many of the above posters that blogging is a big fat time-suck.

So is writing a novel.

In both cases, the odds against finding readership are long, and the chance of any celebrity or financial remuneration is infintesimal.

The advantage of a blog is that you can gain readers on your own, one by one, avoiding gatekeepers like agents and editors.

The disadvantage is that you must find readers on your own, one by one, and it's an incredibly time consuming process.

I think they're both ridiculous pursuits, and a waste of time if you're not dedicated and passionate. But if you are, then I'd say go for it. Just don't delude yourself too much about the odds for success.

Recently my friends and I sat down and talked about this whole issue of blogging. None of them had ever blogged before, and I know a bit about the beast. They wanted to know how much time it took up.

There's a fair amount of technical detail, such as learning about RSS feeds, widgets, links, embedding video etc. But it's not rocket science and just perusing the really good blogs, you can find out a lot. Log into Technorati, and pull up a few.

And that's on top of figuring out what you have to say, and who your readers are going to be.

So it's like anything else. Consistency is the key. Once you've got it all figured out, have a routine, it'll take less time.

(Much Aloha kimber an for the props!)
I really had to think about this before I commented. Feeling a bit isolated here in Hawaii, I started reading blogs to get to know other writers, authors and for publishing information (especially Miss Snark's blog). When I became educated about the community and wanted to start making comments AND felt I had something substantive to contribute I started blogging.
I thought long and hard about why.
Yes, it sucks time IF you are not disciplined. It is NOT a replacement for adding to your current WIP.
Yes, it can provide writing prompts and increase networking opportunities if used rationally.
I think blogging authors are able to make a great connection to their readers.
My personality is quite outgoing I enjoy meeting people both in person and in cyberspace.
I was a teacher for years and enjoy being a resource.
Blogging provides an outlet for me to help other writers -- to provide support -- give them a glimpse into the world of a soon-to-be debut author.
It is also satisfying and keeps me grounded.
As long as I have readers and commenters I will blog.
Thank you for this question -- it's a good one.

I've been blogging since before the word "blog" was coined. No kidding. I started in mid-1997. Back in the day, "personal" blogs / journals were all that existed -- the worst were of the "what my cat and I did today" variety, and the best were full of wonderful slice-of-life essays.

But honestly? I think the best thing to happen to blogging was the compartmentalization of it. I am petering out on my personal / "general interest" blog -- the idea to "write about whatever" worked for a while, but these days when I sit down to blog and realize I could write about my family, politics, my job, a NYT article I read yesterday, a movie I saw, the novel I'm writing, etc. ... I get a little agoraphobic. I read mostly topical blogs these days, and I have an idea for one of my own. I'm really excited about it, and while it'll take some time to get off the ground, I can already tell that the posts will be easier to write, and, since it'll be a local-interest blog, I'll have much clearer publicity targets than my current "all about me" website does.

Lately I've realized that much of Miss Snark's query / hook advice can apply to blogs:

FOCUS your blog. Try to compose a one-sentence hook for it. Look for fresh angles. "An accountant turned ex-pat turned porn store clerk shares his experiences and memories" would warrant a read. But so would "Bus Buddies: an admin assistant's reflections and speculations on the people who sit next to her on the crosstown bus." "Just the ramblings of a bored 20something meandering through life" is not fresh. You can write that for your friends, but don't expect many strangers to find it and stick around as loyal readers. Then again, with blogs as with novels, good writing trumps all! So if you're a bored 20something who can write circles around all the other bored 20somethings, by all means do it.

Worn-Out Blogger S.

I have only been reading Miss Snark for about a week, but its' quickly becoming my favorite.

My blog is mostly cut and pastes of things I find funny. Doesn't showcase my writing that way, but not much of a timesuck either

Hmm. "Passion." Crabby, you might just have something there.

I started my blog for the same reason Orion stated: to feel less isolated. Rural Oklahoma might as well be on an island.

My blog's year anniversary is May 8 (mostlyfluff.wordpress.com). It has been the catalyst for many exciting changes in my life, the result being that this blog reflects more who I was than who I am.

I met people, and gained confidence and knowledge, I never would have without it.

I vote for starting your blog.

"If your online personality is incessantly abrasive or plaintive, you'd do better to let your books sell themselves."

This can't be repeated often enough, and it applies not only to blogs, but to book-related forums, email lists, etc. I am constantly amazed at the things published authors write under their real names, and how tone-deaf some of are - apparently being able to write a well-received novel doesn't mean you have any idea how snotty and curt you sound in conversational posts.

If you post somewhere regularly, your true personality will come through. Make sure it's not one that makes 95% of the people who interact with you say, "I swear I will never read her books because she is such a raving bitch to everyone."

RSS feed?
If I see a blog I like I just add them to my favourites list.
But then I'm primitive.

My mother has told me my writing has gone to "shit" on my blog and that I should just focus on my second novel instead of keeping the blog. But I love blogging, and love the connection I have with the readers, some who have become friends in cyber and real life.

Some editors and agents have found my blog, and I think it has helped me get some notice, but if you're a good writer, I don't think you necessarily need a blog. It's just a fun way to communicate with others, and also to get the word out about your work.

And I've been doing it for 2-1/2 years so I guess I'd say it's kind of a habit now.

Every day!? Every DAY??? I guess I have more work to do. At least I get one or two comments on each post, and it's only two months old, but there's hope.

Uh, and yes... I'm writing, too.

Holy jeez, these word verifications are sucking the life outta me: jdqwggpw (ick)

Many thanks for so many stellar opinions. I will give the idea of the blog some serious consideration. I have plenty of time on my hands so the 'time-suck' aspect is not a big deal. I am currently stalled on the second book in the series so maintaining the blog may actually be the right spur to continue. And 'doing it right' may help instill some discipline. At the very least it may be a worthwhile experiment, as the very least I will produce is some writing on the subject matter of the stories.

Not to change the subject or anything, but today is Mr. Spongeworthy's birthday. George Clooney is 46 :~)

...

I didn't start blogging to plug a novel; I started because I had a head full of stuff that didn't fit into a novel or my bedside journal.

In the year and a half since then, amazing things have happened! I've become part of several networks of interesting people and yes, many of them are writers. Some are published, or soon to be, and some are right where I am. This is encouragement to me.

It's also a huge ego stroke when I feel like the worst writer in the world, but ten people comment just because my words and photos affected them in some way.

Of course, ego stroking does not get novels written. But it does help offset the rejections.

Two pieces of advice if anybody cares:
-discipline. Blogging really is a time suck. I have to really rein myself in and not get stuck here.

-remember the duration of your words. Anything we write here can be thrown back at us years later. Don't believe me? Google your own blogger name. I've found mine in bizarre places. And it sticks around. Soooo....be accountable for all that you type. Ask yourself if this will embarrass you later.

(Having said that I make self-embarrassment an art form...)

I've been blogging since last August and I've come up with some (very) basic rules for blogging:

1. Write well.
2. Say something.
3. Mix it up.

(Elaborated upon in the link above.)

You may want to try blogging with a few friends.

I read two or three blogs a day that are each written by a group of authors. There are 4 or 5 in a group, and they take turns blogging, and comment on each other's blogs. There are also guest bloggers on these sites.

Try: The Goddess Blogs, Riding With The Top Down, or Squawk Radio for an idea of what I mean. They are all by Romance Writers, but the blog entries are full of variety.

One advantage of blogging if you end up writing full-time is that it can, assuming people read it, be a way of keeping yourself from getting too lonely. People comment, you get regulars, it's the cyber equivalent of an office water cooler. (And like an office water cooler, you should definitely not spend all day hanging around there when you should be working.) But in the time between your partner coming home and your friends leaving work so you can phone them, the odd virtual tea-break to see what people have commented can be nice.

Also want to agree with everyone who says 'be nice'. What you say on your blog will follow you round forever. You never know when the movie director you've slagged off might be interested in buying the rights to your novel, or the critic you've had a go at gets to review you - or, indeed, the critic you didn't realise was married to the best friend of the author you've just called a talentless idiot. (No, I'm not speaking from experience, because I don't slag people off.) Nobody likes a sourpuss unless they're incredibly witty - and bile isn't particularly funny - and it's best not to make gratuitous enemies.

My blog sucks. I only ever use it to go on about stuff that I think will bore the people on the forums I post to. This makes me want to delete it.

I started a blog to see if I was any good at it. The jury's still out on that, and since I'm not published yet (except for a story in an anthology), it doesn't matter much if I don't follow the "rules" (such as posting every day). I figure it's my semi-private playground at this point; folks can wander by and watch me dig in the sandbox if they want, but mostly I'm doing this for me.

The main thing is not to let it interfere with my main job--writing a novel--which is why I don't sweat it when I don't post for a week or a month.

When I get a contract, that may change, but for now, I'm not trying to do anything other than have fun with it.

Initially it would have taken a great deal of luck for someone to find out I even had a blog. Now, the thing is connected to too many things. I paused after reading this post and, thanks to this awareness driven by Miss Snark, decided I should at least fill in my profile to deflect at least some presumptions. I change nothing of course.

Blogging is a major time suck. Try not to get caught up in the high school popularity contest, or hung up on your stats. If you want a lot of readers, expect to visit a lot of writers. Set aside five to eight hours a day to read Miss Snark, all the other pro's blogs worth reading, plus those of all the people you'll be adding to your blog roll. The more readers you have, the more time you'll need to devote to it. You'll go read their posts and comment, then they'll come read yours and comment, at which time you must acknowledge each one individually by commenting to their comment. Lord forbid a real conversation gets going, you may never have time to see your family again, and your dog will forget who you are. (This schedule does not include private e-mails to which you will also need to reply (Set aside a few more hours).

Sell your X-Box, lay sod over your garden, put your knitting needles in the attic. Blogging will be your new hobby. Say goodbye to your real time friends. You won't be seeing them any more.

Try to come up with a truly clever and unique name for yourself and your blog. I can tell you from experience there are about fifteen other "Southern Writers" out there. I often see them on Absolute Write and other forums, and wonder if people confuse us for each other.

Be prepared for people you never dreamed would find your blog to find it: the nosy neighbor who knows everyone's business, the estranged relative you haven't spoken to for years, the old high school friend with whom you parted ways because you realized how different your values were. Forget that you've been writing for the public, and expect to feel as if your privacy has been violated. Second guess everything you've ever posted. And remember not to feed the trolls.

Blogging is a relationship with a long term commitment and lots of ups and downs. A handful of people will stay on the road and travel with you. Most won't. Be grateful for those who do, and say thank you. Be surprised when you learn you have friends you didn't know you had. Friends will get you through times of no posts better than posts will get you through times of no friends.

Blog for a couple years until you absolutely must stop to put your life back in order. Start all over again when you have a book to promote.

btw, I write paranormal, too, so I'd definitely check out your blog. Good luck with it!

And still, almost no one "heard" crabby's message.

No one has mentioned another benefit writers can get from their blogs . . . feedback and stories for subsequent books.

My own blog has led me to several ideas that will appear in my next work.

I started my blog a year and a half ago. I used to find the whole idea kind of crazy.

It has been one of the best decisions I've made. I have "met" people from all over the world. Blogging helps with discipline. I write 5 days a week on the blog and 7 days a week on my ms.

I have found some great writer, food, and Italy blogs. I do agree it can be a time suck if you don't put a limit on reading/writing blogs.

The people at FIREDOGLAKE, a political blog, have posted criteria for a starting and maintaining a blog.

Forget their politics. This is good advice for everyone who wants to have a big, successful blog:

http://www.firedoglake.com/2007/05/10/7-tips-to-build-a-blog-community/

Ah Miss Snark speaks the truth again (you should add this to your labels). I think this is one of the contributory reasons for so many lacklustre second novels. When I got a book deal, I worked hard at not going back to try to fix the old stuff that hadn't sold because, if I was being totally honest with myself, it wasn't good enough. Literary band aid is see through.

It's always tempting, but I think one of the reasons for second novels seeming less good than first is because they're not second at all - they were dragged out from under the bed and dusted off.

I'd be very worried if I didn't think that my novels weren't getting better with each one. So why publish something less than the best I can do, even if my agent and editor think it's 'good enough'?

And as a writer, I wrote that then, not now: publishing it would be like insisting on putting my High School poetry in my current collection.

Emma

Sure, I have about twenty other books I've written, but...I never tried to sell them! I was too busy living life and I knew the publication process would require a lot more emotional fortitude than I had before now.

That's not really a backlist. Or I should say, I've always heard "backlist" used to refer to previously published novels, usually now out of print.

The unpublished novels are the contents of the author's trunk!

So when you say the record is six reads, is that the minimum or the maximum?

Well...I queried my first book and my third but not two or four. I plan on rewriting number one.
"Thar's gold in them thar hills!"
Ya may just have to dig it out!
Second novels.
OK... MAKE me nervous!
Yikes!
All I can think about is number one.

Number two haunts you in your sleep. It tracks you in the night. It ruins your every waking minute. Everything they say is true, sorry...

Upside is you end up researching much more deeply into ways to publicise your first, you find new and exciting outlets for your creativity, your house gets really clean and tidy, you discover how to code in html and dig up hidden corners of the internet you might never have seen else...

Good luck :-)

Thanks for saying you've sold books you didn't love. I knew it was done, but not many agents own up to this.

I never assumed that so many second novels were weak because they were actually earlier novels. I'd expect most agents to reject those crappy novels-from-the-drawer just as Miss Snark usually does.

I always thought it was because the pressure to produce a follow-up forces many first-timers to knock out the new book in half or a third of the time they spent writing, revising, and polishing the first one.

The only deadline for your first book is the one you impose on yourself. Once you're published, that's not true for no. 2, unless no. 1 was such a huge hit that you can take your sweet time (e.g., Donna Tartt).

Just one more reason to get started on no. 2 *while* you're trying to find an agent for no. 1.

"And I've sold books I didn't love."

Thank you for this sentence! Don't we all have to do this at least once in a while.

And then you have Gustave Flaubert who wrote his first version of "The Temptation of St Anthony" in 1849, reworked it off and on as he wrote other great novels like "Mme Bovary" and "A Sentimental Education", and finally published the final version of "Anthony" in 1874. But then this is the Flaubert book that practically no one has read. I know I haven't, and I'm a fan; hell, I've even read "Bouvard and Pecuchet" twice.

The odd truth is that authors tend not to be the best judges of their own work, past or present. All you can do is put it out there and see if anyone digs it.

Oh, and adding my tiny voice to the great chorus of joy: welcome back Miss Snark! Hope you had a lovely vacation.

I admit I'm curious about those books you sold and didn't love. Were they part of a package deal? Maybe lost a bet? Or did it to win a bet? Did you find yourself obligated for other reasons?

wait, hold the phone! I thought writers couldn't "hire" or "fire" agents. just being a literal pain in the ass. haha! can't kick me - I'm in Japan!

Christine

"...publicise your first, you find new and exciting outlets for your creativity, your house gets really clean and tidy, you discover how to code in html and dig up hidden corners of the internet you might never have seen else..."

I find this true even before the first has sold. My agent has been shopping my first novel, and I wake each day, intending to focus on writing book number 2, but progress is slow and I'm easily distracted.

I've been thinking that second novels aren't as good simply because they are more difficult to write.

On the flip side, I don't think there's anything wrong with having your agent take a look at your earlier works, as long as you're willing to take "this blows chunks" for an answer.

Reminds me of the times when you hear about writers "unpublished novels" after they die.

Sometimes you wonder why the texts were never published and most times, I understand why they were never published.

Not all of writer’s books are good. Some should stay in the drawer or closet forever.

John Fowles's first published novel ('The Collector') was actually the third he wrote, and he later published his first-written novel ('The Magus') to great acclaim, so sometimes it works.
Or, it works, but only if you're John Fowles. Who most people aren't.

I could count the number of writers I know that THINK they have a number of "solid, decent titles that didn't find homes because the market turned or they just weren't breakout enough."

It would take me a long time, but I could count them.

It wouldn't take nearly as long to count the ones who are right.

Now that person can write!! ha ha Loved it.

You can only throw a right hook if you're left handed.You can have a right cross.
The default boxing term is a left hook. (Followed by a straight right.)

Isn't it amazing we have to worry about the simple courtesy of saying thank you?

Thank you, Queen Snark.
;)

I have discovered that chocolate and macadamia nuts are never rejected.
One thing I might add.
Do not forget assistants. They are invaluable. Those people who answer the phone? Who take messages? The guys in the mailroom?
These are the cogs in any well-greased literary agents office -- especially a large one.
And mom is right. SAY thank you.
Often.

Oh - darn. I thought the most appropriate way to say thanks was to send 10,000 pages of my old novels that I haven't been able to sell yet to them in hope of the agent breathing them new life. Guess THAT's one thank you package that won't be treasured forever? :p

My long-suffering agent of 11 years is a goddess.

I have sent flowers to say thank you for special sales. (I have done this to thank editors, too.)

She works hard, and I am not the ideal client. Every so often I let her know how much I appreciate her efforts.

But bottom line: this is a business like any other. We get along very well, but always keep things on a professional level.

Mutual respect and a pro 'tude is the best way to go.

I really like my agent, in addition to being happy with her work for me. I've sent her two gifts--one when she had a personal loss in her life, one when one of my books was released that meant a great deal to me. The first gift was a little stuffed bear, the second, flowers.

Both times, I received a sincere thank you--she seemed very happy. I send her a cute card now and then, just to say hi, and I send her thank you cards when each book comes out or when I sign contracts for new books. I never send food or alcohol gifts to agents/editors (I'm all too aware of food allergies from my own life), and I will never send anything huge or unwieldy.

Most of all, though, I make sure she knows I appreciate the work she does and the deals she gets me. I also make sure my editor knows I appreciate her work, and her assistant and the publicist. Not just good business, but good manners--they work hard and it's amazing how little recognition some of them get.

Yasmine

At the point when I was offered a contract, I sent an email to the agent questioning some aspects of the contract, and the last one was "do you prefer chocolate chip cookies, or belgian chocolate?"

He replied, "Chocolate, if you please."

By serendipity, the signed contract and the box of chocolate arrived on the same day, which also happened to be agent's spouse's birthday. And there was much happiness.

(http://www.burdickchocolate.com/ is awesome, btw.)

Saying 'thank you' to ingratiate yourself and manipulate someone is sucking up; saying 'thank you' because you appreciate someone's hard work is just being nice. And niceness is never misplaced.

I have sent my agent AND her assistant gift baskets filled with epicurian snackie goodies. I have also sent them both some pretty wonderful bath and body luxuries from a very high end store. All were appreciated. :)

Hey, look who's back! Quicker and wittier than ever; looks like the vacation refreshed the parts everyday life doesn't reach.

What a hoot! Thanks.

Heh. I printed that one.

Some rants need to come with warnings:

"Please put down all food and beverages before reading."

I shall now have to take a break before completing the rest of today's posts in order to Windex™ my computer screen.

So true, Miss Snark.

Gay, it's always good to have such warnings in book reviews around the Blogosphere too. My favorite is "Put down your drink and sit on a towel!"

You haven't lived until you've had lemonade shooting out your nose, yanno.

Props to Killer Yap for learning Catalan! I heard it's difficult to pick up.

And thanks Miss Snark for your usual good advice. If I ever manage to get published, your words of wisdom will be invaluable.

-Bitter

p.s. Glad you're back, hope you managed to schedule some R&R amongst all that housekeeping you did!

All I can say is that for me, discovering this blog has kinda sorta in a way CHANGED MY LIFE!!!!

I have found a network of writers (some published, some not) who fascinate me and inspire me and most of all make me accountable. If I'm going to count myself among them, I better get my butt in gear and get working.

"whose findings tell us what we already know." Now there's a real hooker. I'm going to spend prime time pretending it's all so original.

Ouch, lemonade out the nose sounds a bit rough on the membranes. Cheerios are really a rush, especially if you can learn to aim.

I'd have trashed that email just for the mixed languages that the nitwit used in the closing.

It's "Avec amour" (French), "Con amor" (Spanish) or "Con amore" (Italian).

Note to KY: "Amb amor" in Catalan. Only why are you learning any language that contains "cat"?

Thank you, Miss Snark.

There's been some discussion around our house as to what constituted 'useful' time online, and whether a reasonable amount of time spent in a quality forum could be justified.

But even my non-writing husband knows better than to cross words with your Snarkliness, so that particular argument has now been ruled in my favor.

I am once again in your debt.

aw jeez, I thought I was the only one who got that special email. You mean he con amours us all? That fink.

Actually, I needed a beverage warning for the poorly-written, overly-exuberant spam.

Of course, I hate romance novels, so it was all the funnier to me. Like reading publicity for hardware brochures; I don't like those, either, and I find the fact that anyone does amusing.

Remember, when you "10:00pm fall asleep in bower of rose petal" you wake up in a bed of thorns.

Love the exquisite suspense, making him/her read all the way to the end for the answer, post-shellacking

Wow! If I was you, I'd just be grateful I got a request for a partial from Miss Bent in the first place! Regardless of the outcome or response time. After reading her requirements for submission, I concluded an unpublished author didn't stand a chance.

Damn. Not even a full hour for Oprah after she flew all that way.

THAT is clout.

Wow. Gee, Miss Bent's day sounds better than mine! I wanna be an agent!

Just a bit inflated. A bit.

Think she could use an apprentice?

YESSS, YOU'RE BACK!

Oh, my. Two comments in one day, but my mother taught me the importance of saying thank you and I have been silent for a LONG time, so what the heck...

My daughter is graduating from high school, and in addition to the indispensable (and impersonal) computer, this will be the perfect gift. It says "I love you" in a way few other gifts can, and, I hope, will come in handy when she's living in the dorm.

(Maybe I should buy one for myself, too--to help me cope with the empty nest...)

As far as I know ALL 18 year olds have a lot to learn about life. In fact, a lot of 48 year olds still have a lot to learn about life. Why not just be happy for her and give her something nice? Graduates usually have a lot of packing and deciding to do. A crisp $20 bill in a nice card is always welcome. $100 if you're family.

Pam Houston's Cowboys Are My Weakness.

A lot of wisdom in that slim volume.

Hope the Gin in the Caymans was good for you, Snark. Glad to see you back.

When my nephew graduated from high school a few years ago, I put a copy of the Worst Case Scenario Survival Guide for college students in with the check. He liked both gifts.

When I graduated from high school, my cousin gave me a copy of Jonathan Livingston Seagull with a note about how it was important to him when he was younger.

I don't remember most of the other gifts I recieved (well, except the furby that I got from my crazy aunt), but that one is still special to me. Not so much for the story itself, but because he passed on something that helped him through hard times.

See, we even check up on you when you're not really here.

:)

Miss Snark, we've really missed you. So glad I checked tonight, just in case! I guess you missed us too, just couldn't resist posting, huh? Always good to hear about a new nitwit.

Some of us were suffering from worse withdrawal symptoms than others, and the impatient have been rewarded. Hurray!

You're back!!! I'm so GLAD.

Lol. Glad I'm not the only one, Lisa!

"Will you be at the book expo in late May?"

Just look for the poodle with a machine gun.

(I send writers to your blog all the time, but perhaps I should start explaining to them WHY.)

I want to see some Miss Snark burning some query letters. I want to see photos of her sharp heels grinned the ash into the dirty pavement. Thats what i want to see.

Oh god. I tell my students to come here all the time. I hope none of them end up nitwittering out.

Good to see you back your snarkiness.

Hurray, you posted. :)

She's back!

Hahahaha

Hey... wait a minute. That was my email...

LOL! Hey, Miss Snark, you're back two days early. Great, cause we missed ya! :*)

Oh thank dog you're back. I tried, I really did, I tried to amuse myself with a Snarkian attempt. But I don't drink gin and that proved to be a stumbling block. So, would you have recommended confetti or glitter?

;)

Dear Miss Snark,

Will you be at the Goat Show in ***** on the 31st? Wanna read my new novel? It's about Goat-Girls gone wild. ... No no no! Not that kind of wild! Sheesh!

They get .... are you readin' ANY of this? ... lost in the big woods when The Princess goes frolikin' after some cute ...

I have to go now. Apparently I need a bath. Goats hate baths. If i trott of now, she won't catch me for most of the day ...

Tell KY hi and tell him I had a great time at The Beach. Oh, I still have fifi's phone number if he's sure he wants it. I suppose female French Poodles are nice, but there's nothing like a French Alpine!

Okay, gotta run. I'll call you from Moe's sometime tomorrow, assuming I escape the bath. I'm heading for the coast!

Best,

William E. Goat, III

Good to see you back in the blogosphere, Miss Snark. I suppose you've heard that your man Clooney has made TIME magazine's 100 Most Influential People in the World? Surely this great news compensates somewhat for the nitwittery ever haunting your doorstep.

Heh, I can hear you now: I won't be back until the 5th...EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE NITWIT POST OMG.

Because some snarks just can't wait.

Sigh. I am ALWAYS recommending that new writers check out your site for tips. That poor sucker could have been me.

I suppose this happens to all writers. The second anyone gets published (in fact, with me, the second an article appeared about the book), you start getting emails that say something like: "I haven't read your book yet, but I probably will. I am thinking of writing a book and can you tell me how to get it published and run a national marketing campaign for it?"

And of course, I say, "Why there are EXCELLENT websites that explain so much about the publishing industry. Why don't you check out Miss Snark, for example?" And pass the buck.

So now I feel guilty.

Welcome back.

Shortest week ever! I am most glad! Welcome home Miss Snark!

Now that I know you'll be at the BEA I am going to keep an extra close watch on any and all agents in spiky heels with Killer Yaps. Hmm . . . maybe I'll hire a private detective to up my chances . . .

Miss Snark, I have this great idea for a romance fantasy urban western that involves a duck, a six-shooter and a harem of old maids. Also, a bull in a casket. Tell you what, you write 'em, I'll come up with the ideas, and we'll split the take. We'll make tons of money, honey, and the dog can have a share, too--

Oh, crap. I recommend your blog all the time. In fact, I've often stated on the AW boards in response to writers' questions: "Miss Snark says this. Miss Snark says that. Go look at Miss Snark."

I've never said "Miss Snark should be your agent" -- not even as a joke. Still... from now on, I shall do as Simon Haynes suggests, and explain why I recommend that one visit Miss Snark...

You're early.

I know how opposed you are to profiteering, but maybe you could come up with a nice Miss Snark board game so that we may amuse ourselves in your absence.

I'm still hopeful for action figures and t-shirts.

Welcome back!

I agree with laura f. Once you become published, some people want you to do all the work for them. One guy came up to me at a writer's conference, pen in hand, and asked me for the name and address of my agent. I had never even met this guy (but I'll bet he was pumped with a great book idea that would rival Harry Potter).

I should have sent him to Snarkville. Next time, I will!

I think its amusing that so many of us are here, on a blog that's still supposed to be dark for a couple more days, instead of tending to our own manuscripts or blogs or lives.

I'm glad I'm not the only one with a slight case of Snarkaholism.

Such a lovely devotion of snarklings; all gathered to worship our WTF goddess.
If you click your stilettos three times and murmur, "There's no place like home," do you magically arrive back in NY or does a bottle of gin naturally appear in your hand?

I've been a loyal lurker for months now. Glad you're back... I couldn't stay away either... I checked every day just to make sure... who needs drugs when you have snark?

Has anyone seen or heard from George Clooney during Miss Snark's absence? HmmMmmm...

I always wonder why people [we] blog and then I read the comments after the posting!
[Not that I would in any wish to infer that your words of wisdom...]
Cheers

Oh, I'm so glad you're back! I was starting to get the shakes...

-Bitter

Adrienne, you are aware, sand doute, that the formidable Miss S probably attends these events in frumpy flats, with a cat carrier firmly in hand? She didn't just fall off the recycled paper truck yesterday, yanno...

T2

She's back...

And two days early, even!

WooHoo!

You're back early! Thank dog! The shakes were getting really bad, but they're abating now.

Sand doute?
Is that what you put in a French cat's litter box?

(Sorry, KY, for the mention of "c-a-t.") (Well, on second thought, not so much.)

WB!

Janny

About bloody time! Abandon us again, and you'd better give KY an uzi! Geeeesh, the noive!

Yowza. I clicked over here out of habit, and would ya just look at this supposed-to-be-dark place. Looks like Night of the Jonesing Snarklings.

Glad you're back, Ms. S.!

I've just noticed your site. What's it about, then? Who are you anyway?

Count Curly Wee,

Miss Snark's Site is dedicated to the dissemination of information about plumbing. We're all technical writers here.

If you notice, Miss Snark had something called a crap-o-meter a while back. That was a dedication to one of our industry's heroes, Thomas Crapper.

Thomas Crapper was born in the early 1800s. He invented a lot of useful plumbing things. He lived in England. Thomas Crapper holds patents for various drains, pipes, and manhole covers.

Hope this clears things up.

Cheers,

Which goes a lot toward explaining Miss Snark's attraction to Travis McGee***.



***bonus points for anyone getting the sideways joke.

This was a damn long week. SO glad you're back!

Great... now that Wiper's song is stuck in my head:

"You better watch out/You better beware

They’re coming from all sides of the country/Yeah, you better beware

Return of the rat/Return of the Rat/Return of the Rat

Oh no! No! No!"

You know, I checked here today hoping there was some sign of life...

Glad you're back, Miss Snark! I miss the reading.

Hope KY had a good time too!

Aaaaaaah. Relief. So glad you're back. Hope you got a much deserved rest.sopnd

Because of his houseboat, the Busted Flush.

Sorry! I may have recommended your blog to a few people. So this might be my fault. On occasion when I pitty some poor soul who tried to find an agent on some spot on Craig's List or elsewhere, I try to send them some advice and will often point them toward your website.

Of course, I meant for them to read the blog. But, what can one do? ;)

Sand doute was a typo. It was early and I hadn't had my caffeine overdose yet.

Besides, I'm allowed typos 'cause I don't speak French.

T2

Speaking of typos, I just noticed I called Miss Snark "Ms."! I hope she didn't notice. Hey, is that a stiletto lodged in my forehead?

Dag! Now what will I do every morning as the coffee kicks in?

Hope this means Miss Snark is having fun in the upcoming days.

ohhh, I miss you already, Miss Snark! and I know that this comment is worthless because you won't see it for a week but I have to post it anyway.

I love your blog!!!

That first sight of Coney Island got to you, huh? A great vacation spot. Have a lovely time and Happy Cinco de Mayo Day when you return.

Take two Miss Snark, and frolic with KY in the park. You deserve it.

We'll miss you.

Have a great break!

Good for you. Everybody needs a break. Even you.

I'm feeling distinctly twitchy. Must be all that caffeine making it into my blood stream, instead of spewing on my keyboard in Snark-related laughter.

Ten things to keep you busy while Miss Snark is away

10. Clean out the lint in your belly button.

9. Rewrite your crap-o-meter hook again, patching the holes the clue gun made.

8. Clean you monitor of all laughter induced flying liquids.

7. Order a faster internet connection so that Miss Snark will be back quicker.

6. Check the site everyday to make sure Miss Snark didn't come back early.

5. Buy more Yap treats.

4. Clean the bathtub. The gin tastes better that way.

3. Make a "Welcome Back" logo to post in the comments section when the mighty one returns.

2. Help your nitwit friend write a great question for Miss Snark.

and the number one best time killing suggestion...

1. Actually do some writing...

Ouch! Shit! Damn! Ow! Ow! Ow! My toe!

Shhh! Be quiet stupid, they’ll hear you.

We don’t have to be quiet, Snark and Yapp are gone. Why else would we risk stealing the gin and the Clooney stuff?

Oh, who cares? I just want to see her stiletto collection anyway.

Here, throw this hose out the window so we can attach the gin storage to the tanker truck outside. Not the whole hose you idiot! Geez! Do I have to do everything?

(Five minutes later)

Okay, you can turn on the pump now. Where the hell are you? Would you quit playing in the slush pile! Get out here; we have work to do!

I’m hungry. Let’s see what she has in the fridge.

Wow! Ice cubes, olives and drawers full of take out menus.

Check the cupboards.

Nothing but old manuscripts. Here’s one Snark wrote. “The Mysterious Deaths of All the World’s Models”. Must be another of her erotic, romance, mystery, paranormal, thriller, fantasies about Clooney. No wonder she’s an agent.

What’s that noise?

It’s just the pump. The gin’s been drained. Have you gathered up all the Clooney stuff?

Yeah. The moving van is full. Her apartment looks strangely empty doesn’t it?

Okay. Nothing left here for us. Let’s go. And, take off those stilettos!

Shouldn’t we leave her some kind of note to taunt her?

Nah! She’ll assume it was EE and Lazar. She’ll never suspect the squirrels!

I find I check this pathologically each day. Even though I am told there will be no comments.
It's that pesky variable reinforcement.
There just MIGHT be one...

I'm going through old postings, trying to recapture that snarky feeling. How is everyone else coping?

Also going through some of EE's older postings. Found one with a riddle:

What do you call it when someone's both a snarkling and a minion?

Blogamy

That was worth a snort laugh!

Have fun, Miss Snark! Will you be posting vacation pics?

I hear Rabbitania is nice this time of year.

Seize the day...err..week! LOL Best wishes to you for a beautiful break.

Only 4? Is that a new record?

Oh, looks like she hasn't gotten to mine yet. It's printed on light lavender, single-spaced and spritzed with White Shoulders. Also included my hairdresser's review of the gripping, erotic, adventure, paranormal, historical romance with some light ménage, until it becomes heavy ménage, novel. I’m sure you’ll be asking for the full so I included that too. I expect a call back Monday, you’ll have the whole weekend to enjoy it. Happy reading Miss Snark.

Only four servings? Ah, today is a lovely carb-free day.

Well, neener neener, Snarkfulness is definitely having a positive effect on me. I just got another request for pages today with my Snark-sharpened (snarkened?) query. Whoo! Request number NINE in two weeks, baby!! Go Snark!

What, no fiction novels?
No wafting of second-hand smoke from the paper?
No thoughtful enclosures like chocolate (melted), cookies (smashed) or vouchers (expired)?
Glitter-wielders of the writing world, where have you gone?

Check on the lavender-coloured paper, but don't forget the glittery unicorn sprinklies.

Um...you need a break from the 212, girl. Your lips froth up when someone comments it was nice to talk to you? Chill with a better gin, darlin'. Your advice is usually good. On that one you're...starting to remind us of Richard Nixon...

And another (scary?) thought is that those of us who are still in dogged pursuit of an agent are actually able to offer solid advice to greener, just-starting-the-process writers, who will hopefully end up with sharper, more effective queries than their predecessors.

That, and the fact that I keep getting requests for more material, keeps me encouraged on a daily basis.

As I've said before, you really do make a difference.

Anonymous 2, you're having reading comprehension difficulty. The issue is that the 'nice to talk to you' reminded her that the idiot phoned, which is a huge gaffe.

If you don't know why agents might not want to hear from every unpublished writer who wants to send a query, you need to read more.

I would like to ask for help with my query letter. I fear it is somewhat a mess.


Hello,
I am Shelundra Santiago, and I would like to introduce you to THE MYTHICAL CREATURES OF MILSHEM. The MYTHICAL CREATURES OF MILSHEM is a fantasy story, which has a word count of 75,401. I started working on this story in 2004, and it really has been a treat. I am a first time writer. I have an Associates Degree from Columbia College, here in Savannah, and I am working on my Bachelors in Psychology.

My story takes place in a small town in the land of Milshem that happens to be divided by a mythical mist. As Jade, Kale and his sister start out on a journey to another land, they encounter a half-dark elf named Alters and his comrade Malic. After Malic, and Alters return to Pallory Docks they are ready to start life in the new town of Klovenstein, until they find out that many of the inhabitants of Milshem have disappeared on the journey to this new land, which they now embark upon. After being sucked into another reality Kaleen, Kale, and Jade are told that they will have to restore the evil that a druid has caused upon the land. They will have to merge with Malic and Alters in order to remove the druid. In order for everything to heal, the mist has to make it to the land of Ubav, the home of the druid. However, due to the evil black magic that the druid has placed over the waters West of Milshem nothing can reach Ubav. Yet, if Milshem is to restore, the group will have to reach Ubav to end the evil druid’s hold on the land.

I wish to gain representation for my novel. The MYTHICAL CREATURES OF MILSHEM is now completed, and I am looking forward to the next stage. Thank you for your time, and I hope you have a nice day.

*shakes head*

A tale too true, being repeated at the end of bus lines, on airplanes, at stop lights while drivers honk the horn behind you across the nation.

When will it end?

Outside observer: It won't end. This is the beginning. The real deluge starts August 2nd when EVERYBODY can get this novel.

Oh.

My.

God.

You are a lucky, lucky woman, Miss Snark.

If I were a better person I'd run a writing contest and make this the prize.

Of course, I'm not nice so we don't have to worry about it.

(that cackle of evil laughter is KY agreeing)

I am so jealous - all these ARCs floating around, and Pat doesn't send one to France!

Put yours in a life-boat and toss it out to see with my address on it please, Miss Snark! The book looks wonderful, and Pat is such a sweetie!

~scandalized~
Give it away?
It's a keeper!

I can't wait to read it either--best part about this is it's written by a fellow sea dog.

Coulda been worse! I forgot to feed my kids for three straight days while reading Lottery. Welcome to the club, Miss Snark. Hope you had GPS to get back to the 212. Even I, newbie extraordinaire can sniff a best seller when I read it. And because of my kids' situation, it affected me personally too. Slam dunk, Pat Wood. Slam dunk. Congrats. And - Pat is one of the most generous souls I've ever met. I wish her all the success in the world.

Patricia Wood is the lucky one here.

...

I'm so jealous! This looks like the kind of book I will totally love.

:)

I"m saving up my pennies now so I can buy it in August!

So what's the big deal? Why is everyone salivating over some book I've never heard of?

Gee, I don't know what all those numbers mean (all Alaskans use dogsleds, yanno), but I'd know that book cover anywhere!!!

"some book I've never heard of"
You will, Clueless, you will.

Coney Island? You should have stopped by, finished the book at my place, and then I could have gotten your copy.

Not that I am equating myself with that writer, but causing a slush pile reader to miss her subway stop home was how I got my first multi-book contract.

I tell neos "If you want to sell your book, make sure your words will distract a jaded and tired reader from a subway full of muggers."

Wow.

You have an ARC of Lottery.

If I wasn't already prostrated with the chocolates, fan and gin pail, this alone would be good reason.

There's nothing like reading a good book, especially if you are trying to learn to write one.

obviously clueless, I share your befuddlement. I don't know who this is, or why anyone cares, but the plot seems like a cliche to me. "Forrest Gump" meets, well, every other story you've read about Joe Ordinary hitting the jackpot only to find (cue "Lost" music) that there's a price to even the most uncomplicated of windfalls...

But maybe it's all in the execution.

That's wonderful!
My writing group is her first "beta group readers." Now isn't that nice? She and her publicist came up with that name. We feel like fish!

Question for the High Snarkness:
Once we read it, what do you think they want? A group opinion or individual ones or both?

I LOVE this book!

obviously clueless and anonymus:

pkwood.blogspot.com

Copy that into your browser and click 'go'. Everything will make much more sense.

O. C., just because you haven't heard of it, doesn't mean its not great.

And Anonymus, for starters, it is all in the execution. And Pat is the most sincere person you will ever meet, guarenteed. You know what else? Everything does have its price, even the 'most uncomplicated of windfalls'.

And, if nothing else, both of you should realize that if MISS SNARK tells you its good, it probably is. That's why she's gettin' the big bucks to find bestsellers.

Well, obviously clueless and anon, if your book was featured on the front cover and leading pages of the Putman 2007 catalog, you'd understand.

And no, the Putman catalog aint' about mini-golf accessories.

Way to go, Pat! People at AW are thrilled for you. :D

This is one of those books you just keep hearing about all over the place and can't wait to read. It's contagious.

The 808 is six hours earlier than the 212.
I just got up.
Holy Debut Author Batman!
ARCs are the first opportunity to see how readers (and the industry) will respond to your book.
I am gratified.
I am overjoyed.
But.
Some people will like it and be profoundly affected.
And some won't and consider it derivative.
That's the way of the world.
So, as my character Perry would say,
"That's Okay."

Whoa-hoooooo! Amazing how some people can't WAIT to shit on someone else's parade. Unreal. Kick ass and take names, Pat!

If I were a better person I'd run a writing contest and make this the prize.

I vote you send it on to the first client you signed this year.

Congratulations, Orion! I remember that book cover well, and I can't wait to get a copy.

I am, right now, starting an SBS(Sanctioned by Snark) journal. I can't keep track of all these unbelievable, unavailable recommendations. Thanks!

Miss Snark, you delightfully un-snarky creature, I think you've just sold about ten thousand copies of Ms. Wood's book. Good for her and good for you.

Go, Pat. You got Snark-Clooneyness to read your book. How cool is that? I cannot wait to read LOTTERY, because, as you know, Pat, I work with the mentally challenged population and cannot wait to share this book with my cooworkers! :*)

PS: Pat Wood is a regular (under a username) at one of the writing forums to which I post. We have followed her progress and are now delighting in her (well-deserved) success.

If you just read the sample pages on her blogspot, you'll see why this is such a great book - it's all in the writing.

I was one of the lucky ones to receive an ARC copy in the mail today for winning a contest over at Ms. Wood's lil' blog. I am ecstatic that I will be able to begin reading it this weekend.

Ironically enough, the contest was "the best comeback for those who say something less than gracious when they hear of your career or aspirations as a writer." My comeback (gleaned from my children) was the winner.

I think, Pat, it fits in this situation, too...

When I want your opinion, I'll squish your little head.

Rock on, Pat. Rock on.

Patricia, you rock!!

And hey -- you're at less than 100 days now. I'm still pacing with 311 days to go. :)

Miss Snark, I'd say you are a wonderful person to plug this book (I can't wait to read it), but instead, I'll call you evil for tempting us.

'Holy Debut Author Batman!' The koala rolls on the floor with the giggles.

Congratulations! Looks like this is a stunner!

Thank goodness I didn't have this ARC until after I got home from my travels. I'd have missed my flight connections! Can't wait to dive in this weekend, Pat, and I might just buy some lottery tickets before I start. Looking forward to this debut as much as my fellow Debutantes' debuts!

(Reading the excerpt on Patricia's website...)

But...but...why did it stop?? I turned the page, and there was no more text. :(

Congratulations, Patricia!!

When I want your opinion, I'll squish your little head.

I'm embroidering that on a gin cozy.

As a displaced New Yorker, let it be said that you don't have to tell one of us the train ended up in Coney Island. The phrase "get off the fucking train" tells us the anecdote is set in New York.

Incidentally, when I lived in midtown Manhattan you could stay on the train forever. Lots of bums slept on the trains. The trains were noisy but a lot warmer than grates in the sidewalk.

Then the reform mayors came along and the Old New York we all loved so much became no more than a fond memory.

I wanted to go back until I found out Disney had opened an place in Times Square. Then I knew the City had died spiritually.

Miss Snark rides the B train! Me too! (You know, when I'm in the 212.) Now I'm going to get all weird and peeky every time I see a chic woman in stilettos reading an ARC. Or a manuscript. Can't be more than, what? Thirty, forty thou of those, right?

Do anyone else just want to steal that cover art? Congrats again!!!

"And some won't and consider it derivative."

I dunno. Is it? Once it's sold it doesn't matter. Copies going to cash register do.

Oh come on...Coney Island is nowhere near 516.

I'm pretty sure you can see the 516 from Coney Island.

I have an ARC of LOTTERY and this is what happened to me (true story):

- Stayed up VERY late (3 am) reading a book that I probably shouldn't have started in the first place, given a very demanding schedule I was going to have the next day. At one point I was nursing my baby while reading with a flashlight.

- Finally had to go to sleep because (1) the flashlight ran out of battery, (2) I was trapped beneath a sleeping baby, and (3) I had to get up in 4 hours for a photo shoot.

- Got up in four hours for the photo shoot, took a shower, blow dried my hair while holding the hair dryer and brush in one hand and LOTTERY in the other.

- In the car to the photo shoot, with my nice clothes and make-up on, I finish reading LOTTERY. I actually had tears in my eyes and had to fan my eyes to keep from ruining my makeup.

- The result? Other than my husband ordering me NOT to cry (“You can cry all you want AFTER …”), I was in the best mood. THE BEST. Because LOTTERY is the goddamned best book (ode to Gram) I have read in years. LOTTERY (and Patricia Wood - if you haven't met her, you should) are the reason people read (and write).

Hope this clears up any misunderstanding or confusion surrounding Pat and her amazing novel, LOTTERY.

P.S. I'm assuming they treated Pat like a god when she went to NY. Aside from this book being honest-to-goodness bestseller material (you know you're in trouble when you're hooked by her "Letter to the Reader"), it’s going to make Penguin a lot of money. If they gave her an advance of $1m or less, they got off cheap.

P.P.S. I am never giving up my copy of LOTTERY.

Nicely written, MS!

And the best part in all of this is sensing the author's joy in the journey: her every post is full of wonder and gratitude and presence.

I often miss my stop on the metro when I'm writing -- today again, in fact. Can't say it happens much (if at all) when I'm reading. I like the idea of it though. Must be a heck of a good read. Well done Pat Wood. And thanks, Miss Snark, for the tip off.

Don't waste your bookmarks on this one, Snarklings. You will not be putting LOTTERY down long enough to need a placeholder. And if you want to know how good this book is going to make you feel, go buy lunch for all your friends.

BELIEVE THE BUZZ. It's that good.

(But no, I'm not sharing, either!)

I clicked on the "Miss Snark Sets Her Hair on Fire" in hopes of finding other instances of hair flamage, but alas, this is the first -- I'm sure not the last.

This doesn't appear to be a joke. So just in case MS wasn't clear enough... no. The only thing non-standard about this procedure was that it occurred with merciful speed.

You should thank the agent for his/her efficiency. But only in your head. If you sent an email, the agent might harbor the false hope that you wish to be friends.

oh, she's finally gone and done it.

Maybe agents complain about false hope every time they get an interesting query or first chapter and the ms turns out to be weak.

I think I would mostly be thankful I hadn't spent an ink cartridge on printing hard copy.

There is feedback, though, in a way. There was something good in the query, and less good in whatever can be read in three hours. The author has a starting point to start picking things apart, if picking proves necessary.

Too bad you can't give us the Agent's house. Submit, get a request for full, receive a polite rejection, and all in four hours: wow, what a ride. Sign me up for a ticket on that express. :)

If this happened to me, I'd work hard on the first chapter (and probably the rest of it) because it would appear to me that the agent read a few pages and thought it sucked.

That, or she thought you were someone famous, got the manuscript and said, "Oh this isn't DAN BROWN, it's DANIEL P. BROWN."

I caused MS to create an entirely new category?! Wow. Just, wow. In my defense, the aim of the question was not really in the ballpark of what I "deserve" from an agent as a writer, and the whole "false hope" wording was pretty unfortunate...

What I was mainly asking about was what I should think about a full ms rejection that took merely hours; there was part of me that defensively wondered "how much did you read and what was so wrong with it that it caused you to immediately fling it from your presence?"

Maggie, it goes back to the first Crapometer.
I merely made her want to stand on a chair and scream.

Anonymous Original Querent--

Most manuscripts get rejceted in a matter of minutes. There's just usually a couple of weeks or months where the manuscript is taking up space in the agent's or editor's office while other tasks are taking priority.

Count yourself lucky that this agent had a spare moment to read your sub right then. Or maybe your pitch is so incredible that they had to drop everything and read your ms right away. Or possibly your pitch indicated that your book might be exactly what the agent recently heard her favorite editor was looking for, but then the manuscript itself wasn't quite right.

There are a lot of possibilities. A uber-fast response is rare, but not odd. The bell curve has pointy bits at both ends.

I think I'm going to yell at the next person who calls me for "getting my hopes up"

--Elektra, who has a full out to an agent and is praying for The Call.
Word veri: ucofxgcu Does this seem unnecessarily long to anyone else? For that matter, does the word 'unnecessarily' seem unnecessarily long to anyone else?

Anonymous, it's like going fishing, and getting a huge bite; but just as you clear the big bugger out of the water, the hook dislodges. Just think to yourself what a great ride, bait the hook again, and throw the line right back in the water. :)

What I was mainly asking about was what I should think about a full ms rejection that took merely hours; there was part of me that defensively wondered "how much did you read and what was so wrong with it that it caused you to immediately fling it from your presence?"

An agent doesn't have to read the full ms--or even the first 25 pages--to know the story isn't right for them.

anon:

Agents don't hold on to a manuscript for months because they're thinking about it--they hold on to it for months because they haven't gotten to it yet. This one just happened to give you your fifteen minutes of attention within three hours because you were on top of the stack. That's all.

Thanks so much for your feedback, everyone. What a tough biz! I've submitted my first 10 pages to an editorial service, so hopefully that'll give me some good feedback for how to improve my first impressions.

In retrospect, it does seem better to have gotten the bad news over with. Although, it would've been fun to hang onto the glow of "I have a full out there!" for a few days longer. :)

You guys are great. Thanks!

I wonder if First Agent thought, "Hey, this looks a lot like a book Second Agent just signed. Maybe I should pass it along." Second agent sees the query and thinks, "Oh, no, are two people querying the same book?" Asks for full, just to be sure. Finds out book is similar but not the same to one Second Agent currently represents. Sends "no" letter.

Bernita, that's not bad - I live most of my life in that condition.

At the risk of second-guessing N, it sounds as if he wants to publish his own book but needs other books to make it more like he's founding a small company than like he's self-publishing. That's not a good environment for your work, because it's only there for make-weight.

I wouldn't recommend this. You don't say whether either you or he have attempted to find agents and/or publishers, but giving your work to someone who hasn't read it isn't treating the work right. You've put a lot of time and effort into your book, and you want it to be produced by somebody who cares about it.

Certainly don't cut it down. Cut it if it's too long to read well, but not to fit a bill. That suggests make-weight again.

If N seriously wants to start a micro-press, he's going to have to rearrange his priorities, pick works he actually likes and print them in a way that suits the content rather than a fixed page extent. Otherwise it'll be a bad micro-press, and won't legitimise either your work or his own. He won't benefit long-term.

If you give him a work you care about, you'll be putting your baby in careless hands; if you give him a work you don't care about, it'll make his micro-press look bad. Really, if you have a work you think is good enough to see print, why not hold out for something better? And if he wants to found a micro-press, shouldn't he do it properly?

Personally, I'd thank him very much but tell him that your works are holding out for Publisher Charming and want to stay pure until that special day. It probably wouldn't do you any harm if you didn't claim it as a publishing credit, but N should probably re-think his business plan, for his own sake as well as yours - and till that day, I'd steer clear.

Of course publishing is for free, he doesn't need to add that. The thing is. If N doesn't know manuscript format, how do you know he knows how to format, print or sell it?

Don't do it unless you know he has the skills to help your manuscript.

You're not required to toss him a bone, no matter how friendly you are with each other.

My novel is about Bertusolethian O'Neil, the Half-Squirrel/Half-Poodle farmdogsquirrel, who has mysterious parentage and eventually takes up with a cooking wench who carries him around in a burlap sack between swordfights. While wielding his ten-pound sword and joking with his pet dwarf, he makes a lot of quips like, "Talk to the paw!" and "I wouldn't trade you for a pint of Snausage-flavored mead, babycakes."

So, uh, NO, my novel is NOT a LOTR rip-off.

And my word verf even gave me the perfect pen name: Tukiau.

JRR Tukiau.

33. Is your name Robert Jordan and you lied like a dog to get this far?

Darn. I fail.

Maybe it's what I learned--mead is not beer?

#56 - "Does anybody in your novel fight for two hours straight in full plate armor, then ride a horse for four hours, then delicately make love to a willing barmaid all in the same day?"

Sure. Doesn't everyone?

When I was 14, I slammed down my copy of the Sword of Shannara in disgust -- and I was obsessed with Tolkien and I played D&D (I was 14, okay? deal with it). Once again I recall why I don't like Eragon (although it is impressively done for a teenager) and why I stopped reading Xanth stuff.
Miss Snark, I will understand if this is too slanderous and you don't allow it to be posted.

Weight of the sword?

Along with the hay baler, people need to know when doorknobs were invented, if they want to write faux-medieval fare.

You learned about the true weight of swords, of course. Either that or it's not OK in some circles to re-write Tokien for the umpteenth time.

But instead of "rip-of tip-offs," why didn't the editors give us a list of "rip-off piss-offs"?

aww man. My book failed the test. Two questions wrong.

I'll start burning my copies ASAP.

I am laughing my swords off right now..

That was FUN!
Now I get to purge my stories of all those elements. arghh!
The wages of sin are ;)
thanks.

I don't know the date of the invention of a hay-baler - but since my protagonist never comes within a mile of a field of hay (mostly tromping around forests), it doesn't seem to be a fatal flaw.

Does unknown heir to the throne count if the heir isn't chosen by blood?

*pfft!* My first chapter is the size of the Manhattan White AND Yellow Pages combined. Amateurs.

Oh, I just about DIED when I read the Robert Jordan one . . . a friend recommended Jordan to me. Too late, I found out said friend played D & D or Elvenquest or Magicrune or whatever the hell they call those online games for people who wish they were fairies with unpronouncable names and big jugs.

Ms. Snark learned mead is not gin, or there are only 87 universal plots and folks love to read those plots again and again. gjb

well, since everyone knows mead is a honey-based alcoholic beverage, I'm going to guess that Miss Snark's new knowledge is the bit about stew. Since she subsists entirely on gin, she cannot be expected to know how many hours it takes to make stew.

You learned that someone has an even worse slushpile than yours?

I learend that in a fantasy world feudalism might well work differently to how it really worked and that the hay baler may or not have been invented at all.

In other words, don't confuse history with fantasy.

Very, very funny! I have to admit I'm relieved: not guilty on all counts except #37, but it's a good Catholic name.
I had my share of mead back in the day when I used to frequent medeival events, but I've lost touch with the local brewers guild. It's not vastly different than beer.

I guess the stew thing, too, since everyone knows Miss Snark uses her kitchen exclusively to store gin, ice, and take-out menus.

The mead I've had is pretty different from beer, though...since there's no barley or hops in it at all and it is rather sweet and full-bodied.

LMAO!! Bless him, my husband loves fantasy novels where absolutely nothing happens for the first 50 pages. I don't know how he does it. I'd forward him the link, but I don't think he'd find it funny.

(Frosted Flakes and milk comes off keyboards, right?)

They forgot my favorite:

Does your big evil live in a wasteland (often the frozen north) just waiting for the right moment to take over the world?

You need to quit reading so many queries/ARCs and catch up on your Googling, Ms. Snark. That ol' quiz has been around the block more times than Granny. ;)

Oh, goodness. Mine isn't even fantasy (I prefer to think of it as patronized history--something I strictly avoid mentioning in query letters, or at all, really) and I commit numbers:

5, 9, [*counts out Po-ly-dec-tes on her fingers*] 37, and 50

Haha! I only have one of those, and it's not something that comes out and completely changes everything. It's never answered, just suspected!

Umm... If you answered yes to a couple of questions, but you did it as deliberate satire on the novels who do it without thinking, do you still fail? What if your wizard is forgetful, but so is the rest of the population of the novel? What if everyone over four feet tall also only exists for comic relief? What if your female warrior is happier with a sword than a frying pan, but is also a damned good gardener and a great dancer? What if she tries too hard to embody feminist ideals and screws up relationships by being oversensitive? Does trying to cast a fireball spell count if it a: doesn't succeed and, b: Causes unexpected destruction and almost hideously injures innocent people?
Fantasy lover and satirist. I fail, but I beg for dispensation...

I wish I'd seen number 35 three years ago . . .

Fortunately the offending manuscript is finished and hidden under the bed, where it rightfully belongs, and will never again see the light of day. That should probably be the fate of all first fantasy novels.

Sooooo Miss Snark, what did you learn?

sword weight

One thing I don't like about "don't do" lists like this is that they, snarkily (no pun intended), attempt to assert, point by point, that there is nothing in the universe anyone can do to write a "insert genre here" novel.

What incredible chutzpah.

It's nothing less than a statement of, "The business will only publish something that does not resemble anything else ever done in history."

It's patently false, since all Fantasy publishers are currently printing books that resemble past works and all of the 50 elements in the list appear somewhere in those books! This includes books by new authors.

Any prospective author who quit writing based on this list definitely wasn't cut out to be a writer.

Tolkien did things that resembled things done in existing stories going back millennia. Asserting that anyone who uses any similar plot or character element that ever appeared somewhere in LotR in their own book is "ripping" Tolkien is ridiculous.

No, Terry Brooks' The Sword of Shanara did not rip off Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings.

No, Terry Goodkind's Wizard's First Rule did not rip off Terry Brooks' The Sword of Shanara.

Frankly, all claims of "ripping off" make me roll my eyes, because almost all of these claims are false.

"51. Do you ever use the term 'mana' in your novel."

Earlier in the list it snarks at invented names for characters, and then encourages authors to abandon the use of a word that is nearly a universal standard for magical power? Shall we all switch to using vis/viz, instead? Oops, no, no, we're ripping Ars Magica, now! Oh me! Oh my!

Shall we just say "magical power" for all attempts to describe the energy behind magic (even though a society may call it something other than magic because, unlike in the real world, supernatural powers actually work in the novel's fictional milieu)?

What, are they recommending the creation of neologisms that no one has ever heard of before? Shall it be Galkazookia, or some similar nonsense then?

Or perhaps all reference to magic should be deleted. Hey, we can dispense will all of Fantasy that way. Quite convenient. All novels redacted under this brave new standard can be submitted under the banner of historical fiction in an alternate universe.

The second to last question was:

"74. Is your book basically a rip-off of The Lord of the Rings?"

The last question should have been:

"75. Was this list a piece of general humor poking fun at Fantasy cliches seen too often in the slush pile?"

I would like to be able to yes to that, but the header paragraph calling for people to abandon their work based on this list dispells that notion as far as I am conerned.

Yes, it sounds like they'll be able to keep holding on to your rights forever. If you have any hopes for the future whatsoever, don't do this. It might not be enforcable, since contracts with terms that never expire often aren't, but it's still not worth the risk. Besides, you'd have to get a lawyer, wasting money and time, to be let out.

WHAT!
"In perpetuity" means exactly that.
I hate to curse but Y#$#@**#@ !
That phrase means that after you friggen DIE, they retain rights to print and make money from your story.

Since forever is longer than the universe has been around (14 or so billion years). I think this is a bad idea.
Get a lawyer who understands publishing contracts BEFORE you sign.

My single investment mistake of $2000 (when I didn't talk to a lawyer) cost me $30,000.00 and ten years of legal and financial grief. So don't sign a contract like that and get an agent or lawyer to advise you.

They say the rights remain with the author. In other words, selling to them doesn't mean you can't sell to someone else. They just need the rights they ask to keep the book in print. How could they publish a POD if they don't retain the right to do so?

Should they reword it? Call it reprint rights. Set a reversion limit based on sales?

Basically, my question is: What is the right way for them to do it without violating the author's rights when they print the book x years from now

Thanks Miss Snark for the answer. My spider sense starting tingling when I read that as well, but am not experienced enough with publishing to know exactly why that was wrong. I haven't signed (or even submitted) anything yet, so no worries there. Thanks again!

I've seen other places say that too. Of course then in they continue on to say some thing like "on a non-exclusive basis" which would mean they can keep printing it for as long as they want, but after the exclusive is up you can sell is as a reprint. I checked these guidelines and they DO NOT say this. So yes, because it's not there you're giving your story away forever. And for $20 or a copy of the POD.

Someone in the comments here pointed out that the story remains the property of the author, which is true. but just that they don't specify an exclusive/non exclusive time period means not only you can translate it the way you did, they can too.

I once signed a contract that gave my story away until the book was out of print. But I get royalties off it as long as it is in print, so I'm okay with that. always watch what rights the market is grabbing ad for how long.

When I hit an illegible website I just highlight the text and copy/paste it into a word processor to read in good old black-on-white.

I suspect the original querier knew how to do that, but they were keen to demonstrate their superior webskilz.

Unfortunately they're trying to sell a book, not web design services.

Well if I could read a damned frickin' word on this blog, maybe I'd be able to comment...

Heck- just try another browser. IE isn't the only one, and not every browser reads a page the same way.
Firefox, Netscape and Opera just to name a few.

Also, there's a difference between trying to make helpful suggestions and patronising little power-plays like 'just don't cut it' and 'heaven only knows...' That's just rude. Does this person actually want to get published? Or do they just want to cock a snook at Agent World?

I don't like fonts on a dark background either, but manners is manners.

What should you say in return?

"Dear X:

I am sorry to inform you that you have failed our Test. Periodically we make our website unreadable in an attempt to see just how much silliness writers will take. Had you passed the test (by performing the simple act of highlighting the text with your mouse), you would have found a code guaranteeing you a full read and critique. Alas, you did not do this.

Your suspicions are correct--we here at (agency) do our best to mess with people. Our "no-read, no-read" policy also ensures we receive the lowest possible ratio of submissions which interest us. We feel this is good business, and strive to find more ways to deliberately confuse and alienate people.

Unless this is Thursday, in which case you should just check your web browser before assuming we'd actually approve an unreadable website, about which you're the only person to complain."

Or just send a standard form rejection. :-)

I'd put it in pink font on a turquoise background.

(hehe my word verif is "jrkey"

The truth comes out - it's KY who's in charge of the site. No wonder it's straight-forward. Simplicity and lack of deceit; poodles are philosophers.

As for the complainer, a simple "Your message does not meet our needs at this time" should do it.

Oy vey--further proof that there's nothing common about sense...

They may be nice, but whoever thought "I'd Like to Buy a Bowel: Ostomy A to Z" was a cute title needs to ... I dunno, stay the hell away from me, at the very least.

There's no official new word for vanity publishing of the type that doesn't lie to you, like Lulu and a few others.

I can understand why such enterprises would shy away from a word like "vanity" but technically, that's still what they are, at least until one of the newfangled words they've invented catches on and becomes the new standard.

If the prices are sky-high, be sure to check it out even more. Sky-high prices are a warning sign.

I've seen all kinds of labels for these ventures: Publish on demand Book on demand; print on demand; but miss snark is correct on the model: pay to play=vanity. It's printing, not publishing.

I often wish I hadn't printed two nonfiction books this way back when it was free, and I saw that-- A Random House Venture--label somehow had an air of legitimacy, if only at a farm league level.

As "Emily" Editor at said big publisher later told me in response to a slushpile submission: "There's no farm league for publishing. There's only publishing, and we don't care where it comes from if we like it."

That worked for me. I play the game under the rules of the game, not some personal version.

Miss Snark,

I read you only for the snark, as I'm not interested in actually writing books...

I have to tell you that I'm from Minnesota and we have plenty of room for an expert in snarky such as yourself... sure, us snarky peopel have to hide behind a thin veil of "Minnesota nice" -- but, the snarky club is large and we welcome newmembers.

Priceless. Thank you for the laugh today.

:)

You've got no worries Ms. Snark, as long as you're younger than 82... You ARE younger than 82, aren't you? :-)

It's only a short drive to Hummelstown from my place, Miss Snark. Want me to slither on over there and steal her walker? :D

You need to take away Grandmother Snark's internet access before she ends up in trouble.

Now that is funny. The woman can write.
Helen

Y'know, it's about time someone did a remake of "Harold and Maude", and our boy George may just be the man for the job. But who could ever play the the Ruth Gordon part? Talk about "sui generis".

Miss Snark, I'm warning you. All of these entertaining web tidbits only tell me that you're spending too much time titillating us and not enough time doing the stuff that pays the bills and buys Killer Yapp his doggy sex dolls.

That was hysterical! This woman is fabulous. I hope Clooney pays her a visit - even if it's just for tea!

Thanks for sharing!

That's a good writer.

Always remember and never forget: When words fail, grade on a curve.

Love prevails. Be afraid. Be very, very afraid. :-)

Even if Miss Snark isn't younger than 82. (which I doubt) She could still take her. :D

Great. There goes another three hours of writing time reading those archives.

But thank you. Too funny.

miss snark, you should gauge out that b***h's eyes with the stillettoed heel of your shoe.

but don't forget to duck when she swings her steel cane at you.

Damn.....sick her...your stiletto's can take her on! get her girl.. get her!

You know, I always tell people that in my humble opinion good writing starts with voice and character.

I always have a hard time explaining just what I mean.

I think I'll just direct them to this piece.

This was brilliant writing!

Mae West once said that twenty goes into eighty easier than eighty goes into twenty.

Your rival apparently hopes that George agrees.

Makes me wonder what I'll be thinking about when I'm 82.

Thanks for the giggle this morning.

And the thing is, you know, he probably would, too.

How can we make her dream come true? Only thing is, we need to work fast....

Too funny, but I've said it before and I'll say again, George is mine, mine, mine!

*bookbabie stamps her little feet and pouts*

In the immortal words of "South Pacific", "you've got to have a dream, if you don't have a dream, how you gonna make a dream come true?"
--RLR :-)

I'd say Miss Snark is in danger of losing her man.

Just this morning I happened to catch a scene from the old Roseanne show - the one with George Clooney playing the part of 'Booker' (Roseanne's supervisor). Gorgeous.

It's been a while, but that was worth the visit.

Younger than 82?

Hmm. Am I the only one who, despite knowing logically that Miss Snark is Fabulousness Personified, still pictures her as Joey's agent (Estelle?) in Friends?

"Hmm. Am I the only one who, despite knowing logically that Miss Snark is Fabulousness Personified, still pictures her as Joey's agent (Estelle?) in Friends?"

No: me too! And naked?

Thanks for sharing!

For a little more detail of the editor's side, see:
http://nielsenhayden.com/makinglight/archives/004641.html

I can tell she's smart and that she is very good at her job.

Thanks for sharing this. She seems so nice and approachable. A lot of people in the publishing world, actually, seem to be unusually thoughtful and considerate and friendly. So I always get annoyed when rejected writers go on rants about the "clueless jerks" and "idiots" who couldn't appreciate their masterpieces.

Poor girl, though--she's going to be getting a lot more mail to sort through now.

Ugh, I can never go to YouTube without losing at least half an hour to watching cool looking videos. Thanks Miss snark (but yes, red pens are the best thing about editing LOL.)

does anyone know if one can get transcripts for you tube vids?

I had the good fortune to meet Alison at the UWMadison Writers Conference a couple of years ago. What a gem! She is approachable, professional, and really loves the books and authors Bleak House represents.

It's important to understand what she said about querying them with the right type of project. They have a distinct list.

Gosh... she looks about my age :D This makes me feel better about my chances to be an editor ;)

Also, I loved English class too.

A friend (Word Vixen) sent me to your site and this clip, and I'm glad she did. I enjoyed watching this piece. I've always wondered what the slush pile looks like!

Amazing... and she's a local! Will try and make the reading at the Hammer.

That was f'ing epic.

Very clever. And amusing!

I have NEVER seen anything like that ANYWHERE. What a funny, original way to promote your book!!

pretty funny and clever.

i'm also intrigued enough to wanna read her book.

Clever enough to make me read through the whole website.

Nicely creative.

yes! brilliant! but if it spawns inferior offspring, it's a pity.

*sigh*

I saw this. I have already (sort of) conquered my jealousy. I love the idea - it's a fun site!

(wish I'd thought of it first... grumble...)

This is the most brilliant website I've seen in a long time. I am going to buy both yellow and pink and color coordinate as often as possible. Love this. Thanks for sharing.

Wonderfully clever! I hope this doesn't encourage the 82 year old nudist to write on his parchment scroll.

Kim Stagliano

I love this, too. It's very clever. It reminds me of Amy Sedaris's I LIKE YOU.

I would actually buy her book based on her hysterical website.

Okay...that was good.

It's ingenious as well as funny.

That is awesomely hilarious! My co-workers are staring at me, wondering why I'm laughing at my desk...

This is so funny I'm crying - especially when the gas came on.

Ran across the link on another blog (advertising for peanuts) and posted it to a publishing list. Several people loved it, as here, but several others (people supposedly interested in good ideas for promoting books) ranted about how awful a site it is and how much they hate it. Well, obviously those folks aren't part of the target audience for the site. But it was an interesting reaction, nonetheless.

That was so cute and clever. I read the whole site. The Buy link cracked me up.

This was really funny!! I wonder if the creative querier got any ideas about stoves!

I didn't know Dave Eggers was still about. After HWOSG, I thought he was off doing some online magazine work or something.

Sounds like a great book!

Cheers

friggin brilliant.

wow. I knew your link would lead to this before I clicked on it. ESP!

That was hilarious, and brilliant. Props to her.

oh that was fantastic, and definitly memerable to...I do not think I have laughed as hard for a long time.

Heck I want to read that book now.

She has my undying respect for owning clothes in so many colors.

LMAO. That was great!

Did anyone read the review in O magazine? They liked this book a lot. But nowhere in the review does it say that Miranda July is so funny! Who knew?

Brilliant. Might even get to the Serpentine Gallery in June on the strength of that.

Man, she is brilliant. Almost makes me feel like packin it up right here and now!

Almost.

I must own her book

Yes, but she misspelled recommendations!

ARGH!

But, oh just f'ing brilliant. Really. I'll buy her book because of this.

I wonder if the dishwasher feels left out...

I liked the black page representing the overnight, then breakfast.

I can't color coordinate, as all of my clothing is black, but I still thought the site was funny as all get out. Now I have to feature it on MY blog, meaning that she's only getting further rewarded for writing on the walls . . .

Bloody hilarious & oh so creative! I wish it had been me that thought of that.

Heh. I love her. You all should definitely check out her movie "Me and You and Everyone We Know" if you haven't seen it already. Quirky and sweet.

Very funny, this is one of a kind. She has a very unique idea on how to promote her book.

No wonder this post got a lot of comments.

If you want to see Miranda July in action, so to speak, rent the movie "Me and You and Everyone We Know." She wrote/directed/starred in it. Her creativity knows no bounds.

Thanks to Snarky and Miranda for the gift of this brilliantly creative and FUNNY presentation. Yes, I have reserved the book at Powells, and I can't wait to read it. Every minute July spent on creating the website was worth it--hope nothing got burned in the process.

Damn good! She's even got the timing perfect as you move through the site.

Count me in for a copy.

I wonder how many thrift stores she visited for some of those clothes. Did you notice how - uh -- "retro" some of the styles and materials were? That was nearly as funny as the whole write-on-appliances bit to me!

I loved this too. Really enjoyed it.

Over on Buzz, Balls and Hype, however, MJ Rose thought that the title and author weren't presented memorably enough. That is, you remember how much you enjoyed the promo, but later can't bring the name of the book or author to mind.

That reminded me of a great Superbowl commercial years ago--herding cats. It was awesome. But I have NO IDEA what product it was for. Even an hour later, trying to describe it to someone else, I had no idea.

Anyway, some of the comments here have admitted to reserving this book/intending to buy it, so obviously it's working, at least to an extent. But I like MJ Rose and agree with her to an extent too. A trick to remember either the title or author would have been a good addition.

Anyway, here's the link:
http://mjroseblog.typepad.com/buzz_balls_hype/2007/04/but_what_was_th.html

Never seen the top of a fridge so clean!! It's amazing and clever...

That is the best f-ing author site i have ever seen!